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Being aware of the fact that he had put on some weight did nothing to stop the comments about it hurting.
Dan was stood leaning against the doorpost, one foot on the bathroom tiles and one on the hallway floor. The apartment was dark around him, lit up only by the dim screen of his phone in his hand. He had rolled out of bed to tiptoe to the toilet fifteen minutes ago now but was still not back. Comment after comment about his weight flashed by under his thumb, alternated with the occasional tweet from someone telling other fans to stop talking about it, as Dan might see it. Their attempts were no use.
He had started sleeping with a shirt on again. If Phil had noticed he hadn’t said anything, and Dan was glad of it because he had no idea what he would respond if he did.
Lifting up the hem of his shirt he turned his phone around and pointed the light source at his stomach. Almost immediately he turned it away again, half from disgust and half from annoyance with himself. He didn’t want to care about his weight, knowing fully well that it was just his new medication doing this, and he needed those pills. Needed them more than he needed to be thin.
The dumbest part was that this wasn't the first night he had found himself caught reading strangers’ opinions on his body instead of sleeping. The night before he had slipped into bed after Phil had already fallen asleep and had lay awake curled on his side to stop the lit-up phone screen from waking his boyfriend up. There were so many comments that the hundreds he had read last night had already disappeared and had been replaced by hundreds of new ones, all saying essentially the same thing. And yet, he couldn’t stop reading them.
Knowing he would be here a while, he sank down onto the floor and pulled his knees into his chest, leaning on them with his chin. The wall was cold against his back, sending a shiver down his spine despite the thin shirt between him and the bricks.
He had just sunk back into his daze when he heard the patter of bare feet on linoleum. His head shot up, but he was too late to do something about the sight Phil was about to walk in on. The two men made eye contact and despite the darkness Dan could see Phil squinting at him, “what are you doing here?” He asked, voice barely above a whisper.
Dan couldn’t even think of an excuse. Tears pricked behind his eyes and goddamn if he was going to cry right now. Over this. He just shrugged and moved over a little when Phil sat down next to him. For a minute or so they read those hurtful words together, somehow stronger now that they weren’t dealing with them alone. Then Phil looked over and said, in that same soft voice, “is this what’s been keeping you up?”
Dan nodded, throat too closed up to form any words.
“Reading these doesn’t do anything.” He reached for the phone and Dan let him take it. “I understand why you care and why it bothers you, but this won’t change anything. Those comments will be there whether you read them or not, and really, there’s no point to reading them.” He grinned at himself, “I’m not being very coherent, I’m tired.”
“You’re right,” Dan whispered, “I know the only person I’m bothering with this is myself, but I just can’t stop.”
“Well,” Phil said, getting to his feet and offering Dan his hand, “seems like the best way to get you to stop reading those dumb comments is taking your phone off you. At least for now. We’re going to sleep, and your phone is going on my side of the bed.”
“Who gave you the authority?” Dan joked, following his boyfriend back to their room. He watched as Phil put both their phones in the drawer of his bedside table before getting under the sheets.
“You know whose opinion matters?” Phil asked. He was speaking quietly as their faces were close together, foreheads almost touching.
“Yours?” Dan guessed.
“No,” Phil said. He laughed, “maybe mine too. But that’s not who I mean.”
“Mine?”
“Exactly. Your opinion matters. Unless it’s negative, in which case it doesn’t matter either.”
“If mine doesn’t even matter anymore, then no one’s opinion matters.”
“My opinion will count for the both of us, because I, for one, love your body.” Phil’s hands moved to touch Dan’s sides, slipping under his shirt. Dan shivered but didn’t resist. “It’s working hard to make those pills work and to make you feel stronger. I appreciate that a lot, so I will respect this body no matter what it looks like. The fact that it just so happens to look gorgeous is just a plus.”
“You’re being sappy.” Dan said weakly. He was smiling though, and miraculously, he was starting to feel better. He felt Phil shrug and then press a kiss to Dan’s nose.
“Go back to sleep, okay? We can talk about this in the morning if you want to.”
After this, Dan didn’t think he needed to. Maybe he needed to cuddle about it, though, as they were doing now. He shuffled a little closer to press his body against his boyfriend’s and sighed contently as Phil’s arms came up to wrap around him.
It was a wholly impractical position to fall asleep in, but they both needed this. Needed the comfort of the other close to them. Phil’s hand slowly traced up and down Dan’s back as he fell asleep.