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Nana loves taking photos. She loves how it’s able to capture a moment in a single frame in time, how those moments could last forever within it. That the people in those photos would remain the same forever within it; capturing those smiles, those shining eyes full of passion- the raging brightness of everyone with just a click, a moment forever frozen still, where hearts were never broken and dreams were never shattered.
She’s afraid of change, of the uncertainty of tomorrow, the anxiety of moving forward especially those around her as she feels left behind, always clinging to something of the past, of how she wished to have stayed in that moment instead of being forced to take another step. How she wishes to stay in one single frame forever.
And how that frame is the 99th Seisho Festival Starlight performance. The stage where she has first felt the blindness of everything and everyone, where she feels those close to her heart have shined so much, how their blinding smiles and gleaming eyes are enough to make her heart full, of how everyone looks to be living the best of their lives within those moments.
Of how she felt so needed, of how she’s one of the reasons that made this happen. And wants to keep it- treasure it, have it frozen forever, that moment and that feeling with everyone.
And she did, she got her wish.
She can have that moment- no, not only that, to have the entire year be reran as much as she wants to, to indulge into the feeling she got on that stage with everyone.
Everyone.
Nana sometimes think of how selfish this can be, that she’s preventing everyone from moving forward but she tries to tell herself this is the right thing, she’s not only doing this to herself but for everyone too.
Everyone.
Being the top star doesn’t mean a thing to her, not when it’s at the cost of those smiles, those passion within their eyes- the shine of her dear friends.
Her repeat performance is for them always. To have everything frozen, for her friends to be the same they are as always, no sadness, no despair, no one losing something so precious, this is for them.
And come with those repeat performances are so many firsts.
To think with everything repeating means to be doing the exact same thing again and again, but no, there’s still surprises left with each repeat.
Especially with a certain purple-haired girl that has stolen her heart from the very beginning.
Hoshimi Junna.
When Nana first met Junna at the dorms, in their original timeline, the day before the first day of classes starts as first years in Seisho Academy, she thought the girl to be so stiff, looks to be so calculating and so meticulous with every move she makes that when she first spoke to Nana, the blonde felt as if it was a robot talking to her, and when Nana urges Junna to call her by her first name, the emerald eyed beauty refuses to.
It breaks her heart, to have this beautiful girl looking so scared, so afraid, and looking so unsure with everything, that it became Nana’s goal to coax the girl out of her shell because Nana sees something within her, something so bright, something so blinding that’s being kept away somehow and Nana wants to break it free.
It was hard, the first few days Junna was stiff as ever, sometimes completely ignoring Nana’s efforts to befriend her, Nana remembers of how it hurts, to be ignored like that but she didn’t give up, not when Nana can now see Junna’s face almost cracking to form a smile but the girl would bite her lip to prevent herself from doing so (and all it does is make Nana’s heart stop beating for a second), not when everytime Nana offers her a different kind of banana meal and desserts everyday, or when Nana stays up late at night just to write encouragements on Junna’s sticky notes all over the girl's desk, to pretend to still be sleeping by the time the purple-haired girl wakes up and sees those words plastered all over and Nana could see the girl’s emerald eyes sparkling.
But there was that night, after coming home late from buying supplies for her next “make Junna smile meal”, she was by the door, about to turn the knob when she hears a sob inside, the painful cry of the girl whose voice she only heard with so much stiffness and coldness, to to let out such raw emotions that it felt like Nana’s whole world crashed.
Not thinking twice anymore, she opened the door quickly and rushed to the girl’s side.
Junna was on her bed, legs folded up to her chest, with her arms wrapped around it and head buried on her knees, shaking so much, and Nana figures the girl was trying to be discreet as possible but is failing to do so because all that’s coming out from her is a painful cry.
Nana doesn’t know what to do, and she does what her instinct told her to, she climbed on Junna’s bed, sitting down behind her and wrapping her arms around the crying girl while resting her head on the girl’s back.
She felt Junna go still, Nana was expecting for the girl to shout at her, to yell at her to leave her alone, but all Nana was received was even a louder cry from the girl.
So Nana just holds her, listening to the girl cry, to her heart beat, to the breath she takes, to Junna spilling suddenly everything.
Of how her parents opposed her coming to this school, to becoming a part of the theater because it was childish, there’s no future with it, and how she’s wasting her brain for something only those who have no career within the field of sciences choose to.
Of how she’s so weak.
Of how she stood up to herself for the first time in her life.
How she’s unable to come back home until she can prove them wrong.
Nana’s heart aches as she listens, that tears are now flowing from her eyes too, she can’t help it, she feels like she’s able to feel what Junna’s feeling. The hurt, the anger, the sadness, and the terrifying situation she’s in, Nana feels like she can feel all of it and she wants nothing but to burden herself with what Junna is feeling, take it all from her, dump it to her instead, so the beautiful girl in her arms wouldn’t be so broken anymore.
Because Hoshimi Junna is everything, and Daiba Nana wants the girl to see that for herself.
“You’re so brave Hoshimi-san, so strong”, Nana closes her eyes tight, hot tears falling down, holding the shaking girl tighter.
“There’s so much within you that I wish you could see, you’re shining so bright but at the same time it’s not even the full you yet, there’s so much more, and one day you’ll let everyone see that, you’ll let everyone know how much brighter you can be, and you’d prove them all wrong”, Junna starts to breathe slowly, not shaking anymore, Nana could now only hear sniffles, and she wants nothing more than to face her and wipes the tears stain on her face.
“You’re so amazing Hoshimi-san”, Nana says with all her heart and how she wishes her tone was able to capture what she’s feeling, how she meant every single word of it.
Junna pulls away from Nana’s embrace wiping her eyes as she does, the blonde thinking as if it’s her cue to leave, she’s about to get up but then Junna turns around and Nana is captured with the emerald eyes that was once clouded by so many emotions, turning even brighter now, all Nana could do is sit still in awe.
“Thank you Nana”, Junna smiles softly at Nana, her dimples showing, and her cheeks may still have tears stain on them, her eyes maybe red from all the crying but Nana swears, she’s in front of the most beautiful girl she has ever laid eyes on.
Nana feels like her heart is about to leap out of her chest, her entire body feels like it’s been electrified it’s all from seeing Junna smile from the first time, hearing her name being uttered by the girl for the first time, Nana feels like flying.
“Call me Junna from now on too.”
That was the first time Junna smiled at Nana, the first time Junna said her name, the first time Junna left a piece of her to Nana, the first time Nana was able to call her Junna-chan.
So many firsts in one night.
A memory that is always embedded on her mind because it was the first out of all the firsts.
So during her first repeat, being thrown back into the middle of the class, not sure what is happening, she asks Junna and when she sees the girl to look so shaken to the core by having Nana call her as “Junna-chan” and when Junna called her by her last name, something inside her just broke.
“Oh.”
It's the day before Junna’s breakdown from the original timeline.
But on that repeat, that night didn’t happen.
Nana thought if doing the same thing again would mean it’d turn out like how it was originally but it didn’t.
There’s still things that changes.
Mostly little things, but still, there’s changes.
But it didn’t deter her, she continued what she still did for Junna as she did on the original time, she had another firsts with the smile, with their names.
And in this repeat, Junna seems to be shining more.
Nana loves the sight of it.
And in this first repeat was the start of another firsts too, the first time she tasted Junna’s lips on her.
It was the night before the start of their second year.
It was so late in the night, they’re both anticipating for the festival and the show tomorrow, Nana can’t wait to do it all over again, to be on that stage again, to be blinded by everyone’s shine again.
She looks to her side to see if Junna is asleep, to her surprise, the girl is looking at her too. Nana giggles as she stands up to lie down next to Junna.
It’s something they have done before, even in the original time, it wasn’t unusual for them, for the girl always seems to have nightmares and Nana is able to calm Junna down everytime, and sometimes, Junna would be the one to ask for Nana to sleep next to her, the blonde is grateful because she doesn’t want to impose because their cuddle sessions eases Nana too and it’d be a peaceful night for the both of them.
She didn’t expect anything to happen during that night, simply brushing it off like how it always was during the original timeline, but then, Junna keeps talking during that night, there’s twinkle in her eyes, one would think there’s stars behind it, she talks of all the things she wants to do, of how much she wants to improve not only for her sake but for others too and it’d always include Nana somehow.
Junna talks about starlight and how she wants the both of them to be the lead someday; she talks about dance and how she thinks she’s awful at it but with Nana leading her and suddenly her feet were born to dance; she talks about music and how Nana’s voice is the one that stands out the most for her and how she aims to be at her level someday- to have a beautiful duet together; she talks about graduation, how scary it is to be outside of these four walls someday, afraid at the thought of waking up and Nana isn’t there to greet her, losing connection with all of their friends one day.
“It’s inevitable”, Junna says, “it’s bound to happen someday as sad that may be, but we just try to push forward hm? Let’s all do our best for now”, she smiles, eyes closed, as if she wasn’t just talking about her fears earlier.
Nana just stares at her, her lips forming an ‘o’, her heart constricting at the thought of all of those, her eyes become hot all of a sudden, she blinks a few times, her fist clenching, trying to get a hold of herself.
I can win the revue again and again and all of those things won’t happen at all Junna-chan.
She feels Junna shift, turning to her side, facing Nana and suddenly, the blonde is trapped with the purple-haired girl’s gaze, and Nana… Nana feels like falling.
“But you know, I still hope that no matter what, you’d always be there.”
Nana stills herself, forcing a smile and with a cheery tone to not let Junna know that there’s a storm brewing inside of he but there’s also conviction behind it- a promise, “Of course Junna-chan! You don’t ever have to worry about something like that, I’m here, always.”
Junna giggles, moving closer to Nana, slinging over an arm to Nana’s stomach, “I knew you’d say something like that, thank you.”
It was unexpected.
The both of them, even Junna, wasn’t prepared for it, or even knew what she was doing.
Nana suddenly felt something soft on her lips, she feels as if time stopped, and everything around goes still, even Junna, and before Nana could react, to return back what Junna did, the purple-haired girl recovers and she pulls away, removing herself from Junna, she tries to move farther but bumps her to the wall behind her instead.
Nana sits up, her first instinct to make sure the girl is okay but Junna just looks at her, mortified, her face the reddest she has ever seen, more than when they first slept together on Junna’s bed.
And Nana wishes she can take a photo of Junna right now (even if it won’t stay on her phone later on).
Nana giggles, “Junna-chan you’re so cute.”
Junna blushes even harder, “W-w-what are you saying?!” she sputters.
“Your face is so red!”
“W-w-well that’s because you!” Junna suddenly points a finger to Nana.
The blonde tilts her head to the side, brows furrowing, “me?”
Junna looks like she’s about to combust but then just sighs, looking defeated, “are you not angry about that?”
Nana falls back on the bed and laughs, “you really are so cute Junna-chan.”
She hears a “hmph” and feels a pillow hit her side.
“Stop it Nana”, Junna grumbles.
Nana sees the girl pouting, and that feeling… the feeling of falling into something…plummeting into an abyss, that there’s no end and she just falls and falls but somehow, she’s not afraid of it.
Not afraid of how maybe the end would just be something hard, something she’d be unable to come back from.
(Not when she knows, she really can make it endless.)
Nana snaps out of her thoughts when she feels a tug on the hem of her shirt. Her eyes darts to Junna and she sees the girl looking down, a bright hue of red painting her cheeks again.
She looks unsure, scared, that Nana’s afraid she may have gone back to how she was back then but.
“Can I?” she sees Junna swallow, their eyes meeting again and Nana grips the sheets of the bed, “Can I kiss you again?”
Nana just nods.
Junna moves towards her, her hands reaches for Nana’s face, caressing the blonde’s cheeks and Nana feels her heart beat go faster and faster with every touch, she feels her senses being so heightened with the sensation of Junna’s soft touch more so than it ever did during a revue, she mistakes of looking back to Junna’s eyes, because she feels it, the feeling of helplessness under it, sinking and yielding under its piercing gaze, she feels small, but at the same time, she feels so… she feels like a flame that has gone out of control, burning and burning and-
Junna’s eyes closed and next thing Nana knew, she feels soft, wet lips on her, and so she closes her eyes, letting herself get lost to Junna, evoking sensations she never thought she’d feel, and so, she kisses Junna back, hard, with so much emotion, hoping the girl could feel all the things she’s feeling through it.
Hoping Junna would know what she’s doing to Nana.
It was her first kiss, during the first repeat, this never happened on the original one and she doesn’t know why, what she had done different but she’s thankful for it, that she was given this in this timeline.
And now, with every repeat, Nana would always wonder, how that “first kiss” would go, of who’s going to make the move first, and with every repeat, where she wakes up in the middle of the class, Junna’s beautiful emerald eyes is the first thing she’d see, she thinks of how she’s falling so so hard from it already, everytime, but the girl holding Nana’s heart doesn’t feel the same way yet, and how those eyes don’t know her yet.
It hurts Nana, but, she shakes her head, telling herself her rerun performance must be done, she’s not doing this just for herself, but for everyone- for Junna too.
She’s had so many firsts with Junna but she’d be only one to remember it (she gets scared sometimes that what if she slips something up from the previous timeline that would break everything).
Sometimes she’d make a game out of it, whether in this timeline it’d be Junna to make the move or her, and if it’s Junna, Nana’s heart is so delighted, but then there’d be those times when Nana would bet on Junna making the move first for so long that nothing really happens, it’s one of those repeats that’s too painful, too sad.
Nana doesn’t know how many times she has done this, of how many times she’s been repeating, there’s thousands of memories stored in her now- so many wonderful firsts. The first time Junna calls her by her name, the first time Junna holds her hand, the first time sleeps next to her, the first time Junna kisses her, the first time Junna said those three words to her, and so many other firsts in many different timelines.
And each one of those firsts will always be special to her.