Chapter Text
"Another please" came the drunken call from the end of the counter, followed by the bang of the whiskey glass hitting the bar. M'Gann rolled her eyes and walked to Alex.
"I think you've had enough, and if you keep hitting the bar like that, you'll smash one of those glasses and I'll charge you for it."
Alex snorted, "Fine."
"You should go home, Alex. Do you want me to call Kara?"
"No! What I want is another whiskey."
M'Gann shook her head, "Sorry Alex, but you've had way too much already. Drinking isn't the answer."
Alex glared at M'Gann. "Who made you my mother?"
M'Gann sighed. "Are you coming here every night incase she comes in?"
"Who?"
"Maggie, of course. She was the one who first brought you and your friends here. And since you've broken up you've been in here every night. It's what it looks like to me."
"I come here because people leave me alone, and the booze is cheap."
"Bartenders are usually a good outlet for figuring things out, you know. You can talk to me... if you want."
"Maybe another time" replied Alex. "I might as well call it a night if you won't serve me any more."
"You have to look after yourself, Alex."
"I know" answered Alex quietly.
M'Gann watched Alex for a few seconds, before she started wiping down the bar. Alex caught a glimpse of a book sticking out her apron. She pointed to it, "What's that?"
M'Gann looked to where Alex was pointing and pulled the book out, "I got it from the book exchange near the park. I've never really been a big reader but it's something to help me pass the time, and they have some good books down there. It's all donations. You put a book in, you take a book out." She looked at Alex, "Maybe you should try it, don't you pass it on your way home?"
Alex shrugged, "Never noticed."
"Maybe you should pay more attention, you might find something you like in there. Something to distract you from your thoughts for a little while. It works for me."
"I might just do that. Thanks, M'Gann."
Alex got up off her bar stool and left the bar. She pulled up the collar of her leather jacket and zipped it up, surprised at how cold it'd gotten outside.
When she got nearer to the park she paid more attention to her surroundings and noticed a red metal unit on this sidewalk near the park entrance. An amateur looking poster attached to it had "Book Exchange" scrawled in coloured pencil. She'd never paid much attention to it before and just thought it was some school project or something in the neighbourhood. But M'Gann was right; inside it housed lots of books. It seemed like they just trusted you to donate one and take one, returning it when you were finished.
Alex noted the names of some of the covers; there seemed to be a wide range of genres.
Reluctant to go back to her empty apartment, she scanned the books, stopping at one. The Surgeonby Tess Gerritsen. The book as the UK edition, and on the cover was the back of a naked woman on a cold slab, her back looking unnatural somehow. He knows exactly where it hurts…said the text. And underneath the author and book name, Introducing Detective Jane Rizzoli. Alex knew that name. She'd watched that show; the combination of medicine and crime appealing to her, but she’d never read any of the books it was based on. Now, here it was, right in front of her.
She read that this was the first of many books in the Rizzoli and Islesseries. She flicked through the pages, noticing someone had highlighted some sentences. She stopped at one highlight, The most intimate feeling people can share is neither love nor hate, but pain. Alex swallowed, glancing around her before returning to the book. Something made her want to read it, but she didn't have a book to replace it with.
Her mind started to fill with thoughts... Who had highlighted that sentence? Was someone else going through a breakup like she was? Did someone find solace in the pages of this book?
She walked to the nearby bench and sat down, surprised by the coldness of it.
As she opened the cover and began to read, she felt as though the pages were sobering her up somewhat, supplying a little comfort somehow, despite the darkness illustrated on it’s cover. She moved slightly on the bench, settling into it as she became engrossed in the words, in the world away from her own, away from her thoughts and her pain.
Despite the clear indication of death on the cover, Alex found herself lost inside the world of Boston Homicide and forgot her thoughts for a while, the book providing her with some sort of comfort within her sea of pain.
~~~
Alex was jolted from the book by someone talking to her.
"Excuse me, miss?"
Alex looked up when she became aware the lady was talking to her.
"Are you okay? You look like you've been crying, and you must be freezing. It's so chilly tonight. Can I call someone to take you home?"
Alex shook her head, wiping tears from her face that she never knew were there, noticing as she did so, how cold her hands were. She looked at the book and realised she'd read about 60 pages. She must have been sitting there for a while.
"Sorry" she muttered to the lady. "What time is it?"
The woman looked at her watch, "Almost midnight."
"Jesus" replied Alex, causing the lady to laugh and hold out a hand.
"I'm Sam" she greeted.
Alex took her hand and shook it, "Alex."
"Your hands are freezing, Alex. I have a blanket in my car which is parked just over there. Would you let me get it for you?"
She nodded and watched as Sam walked to her car. She looked down at the book, folding the corner of the page over before closing it. That was when it struck her that she’d not actually thought about Maggie all the time she was reading.
She was interrupted from her thoughts by the warmth of a blanket being wrapped around her and the movement of the wooden slats as Sam took a seat next to her. Her eyes were drawn to the closed book in Alex’s hands. She pointed to the cover. "So, how are you liking the book? It didn't make me cry when I read it."
Alex let out a small laugh. "I don't know where those came from. Well, I do, but I don't know what the book did to bring them."
"I haven't seen you around here before. Do you use the book exchange much?"
Alex put her book in her lap and pulled the blanket tighter around herself, the chill in her bones starting to diminish. "No. I didn't even know it was here. Someone told me about it tonight, and I guess I just got lost for a while."
"An escape from whoever made you cry?" Sam asked, softly, noticing as she did so, a slight change in Alex’s posture.
"What makes you assume I'm crying over someone?"
"I don't know. I can usually read people pretty well and you look to me like you're hurting. I think you've maybe had a drink... or several going by the strong scent of bourbon I can smell when you talk..."
She was interrupted by Alex scoffing, but she dismissed it and carried on.
"So, you sat in the bar until they stopped serving you or it closed, found out about this place, and tried to forget the world you live in and replace it with another for a little while."
Alex let out a breath through her nose. "Wow. That's... concise."
"Am I close?"
"Scarily so" replied Alex.
"Would you like to talk about it? I'm a good listener."
Alex shook her head, "Not really. It's late. I should probably head home and have a warm shower."
"That sounds like a good plan. Can I drive you home? Or can I call someone for you?"
"I can walk."
"No. I'm not gonna let you walk home. I want to make sure you get there."
"I'm perfectly capable of walking, Sam. And you don't even know me."
"You seem like a nice person, Alex. I'm just trying to help out. I couldn't sleep at night if I knew I'd left someone outside to stagger back home in the freezing cold."
Alex stood up from the bench and turned to face Sam, raising the book she was holding, "Look, Sam, I don't have a book to exchange for this, so I figured I couldn't take it away. I either could read a bit of it or put it back. And once I had read a few pages I was stuck. I didn't realise it'd be so addictive, and I lost track of time. That’s all that you see happening here."
Sam’s eyes glinted in the street lights as she looked up at Alex. "How about we do a deal? I brought a book here tonight to exchange for something else. So, let’s say that book was an exchange for your one, and you can take Rizzoli home, where it's warmer. How does that sound?"
"It sounds unfair, because you don't get a book out of it."
Sam shrugged, "It's okay. I couldn't sleep so I ended up reading and I finished the whole thing. I think you could use a book more than me tonight." She stood up. "I'm driving you home. I won't take no for an answer."
"You're bossy, do you know that?"
"Oh yeah. It's one of my many qualities. Plus, you still have my blanket."
Alex shrugged the blanket off her shoulders and held it out, "Do you want it back right now?"
Sam chuckled, "Of course not, I want you to wrap yourself in it until you’re warm."
They walked to Sam's car and Alex got into the passenger side.
"Okay, where do you stay?"
Alex told Sam the address and looked out the window during the whole drive. However, as Sam parked the car Alex felt a shift in herself. She didn’t know if it was because of the drink, or because Sam seemed like someone she could talk to, but Alex suddenly felt the need to share a bit of her pain with someone. And it seemed like right now, Sam was that person.
"Her name was Maggie."
She’d spoken softly, almost to herself, just as Sam was pulling the car key out of the ignition.
Sam looked over, her face portraying a slight surprise at Alex’s sentence. "Ah, so you WERE crying over someone. I knew it." She smiled this small smile that just seemed to make her eyes shine and Alex couldn't prevent herself from smiling back. It was in the moment that Sam stepped out of the car and closed her door that Alex realised she was beautiful.
"What happened?" she asked, after she’d walked round the car and opened the passenger door for Alex.
Alex froze momentarily, letting go of her previous thought and returning herself to the present. "I wanted kids."
"And Maggie didn't?" asked Sam.
Alex shook her head sadly. They walked in silence into the building and into the elevator.
"I loved her so much. And now there's just this empty space… and an empty apartment."
The lift door opened onto Alex's floor, and Alex walked over to her door. "This is me" she announced, folding up the blanket and handing it back to Sam. "Thanks for the lift."
"No problem, but I want to make sure you get in safe."
"My door is right here" explained Alex, pointing to her door.
"I know. But you need to drink some water, and I don't know if you will do that if I leave."
Alex sighed, "You're a hard person to get rid of."
"I won't stay long, I need to get back to my daughter" explained Sam.
Alex's eyes widened, "You have a daughter?"
Sam nodded, "Yep. Ruby. It's just me and her."
"Sorry" said Alex.
"Don't be. She's my world" replied Sam, walking over to the kitchen and trying the cupboard doors to find a large glass before filling it up with water, and taking it over to Alex who was now sitting on her couch.
"Drink this" ordered Sam, handing her the glass before sitting on the table in front of Alex.
"Make yourself at home, why don’t you" stated Alex.
Sam huffed, "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers."
Alex shook her head and took a sip of her water.
"I hate feeling like this" she said after a few minutes.
Sam focused on Alex but stayed quiet to see if she would say more. She was wary of the fact that Alex wasn’t looking at her, she was looking elsewhere, and Sam was sure only part of her was truly here, the rest was lost in her thoughts. It was best, she thought, to let Alex talk without interruptions.
"She was everything to me. We were going to get married. But we wanted different things. What I felt for her, I've never felt that before. I don't know how to move on from this."
Sam reached out a hand and placed it on Alex's knee, causing Alex’s eyes to look there, before she looked at her glass of water and re-entered her thought space.
"She made me be true to myself, and now there's just this hole."
"It'll get easier" said Sam.
"How?" asked Alex, finally looking at Sam. "When?"
"It just does. Eventually."
Alex nodded, before looking away and sitting in silence.
She spoke quietly. "Thanks for bringing me home. I'll get another book for the exchange."
Sam nodded, realising the conversation was over. Alex had shared all she was willing to. "Okay. It's a good book, that one" she said, standing from the desk.
"Did you highlight it?" Alex blurted out, looking up at Sam.
Sam shook her head, just as Alex let out a yawn.
"I think someone needs some sleep, and that hot shower you mentioned. I'll get home to Ruby. Take care, Alex. Maybe I’ll see you around."
Alex nodded, before Sam got up and let herself out.