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tyler loves smiles.
there isn't anything particularly spectacular about them, really. nothing too extraordinary, besides the fact that they have this weird thing about them that brights up a room upon their arrival or fills your heart up with this strange, foreign thing that tyler could never place his finger on exactly.
and there are all sort of smiles in the world. there's the smile of your proud mother as you step up to the podium on your graduation day, and the celebratory holy cow bro. are you for real? so this is actually happening? grins from your best friend mark when you sell out shows outside of your home state.
and then there are the whole way round type of smiles, the one that shows up in all sorts of and every situation. the ones that reach from the folds in the corners of your eyes to the tips of your sharp teeth to the backwards tilt of your head. the ones that make tyler's heart forget how to beat and make his belly feel all weird.
the joshua dun kind of smiles.
now, tyler isn't gay.
that's what he's been trying to convince mark of every since all three of them hung out at a taco bell for the first time in a while at mark caught onto tyler's heart eyes for josh.
"he just has a nice smile," tyler stressed. "that's it. i just really like his smile."
mark had just shrugged at him. "whatever you say, dude."
"i'm not gay, mark."
"why, would it be a bad thing for you to be?"
tyler opened and closed his mouth.
"i just-" he huffed, turning away from mark. "well, i mean, it wouldn't be. of course. it's just that i'm not gay. he has a nice smile and i appreciate that. mark, stop laughing. dude," tyler grumbled, throwing his head back onto the spinning chair.
josh is always completely oblivious to the affects he had on poor tyler. he laughs enthusiastically at all of tyler's jokes, beats the crap out of his drums just as well in-front of 20 as he did in-front of 200, just the way tyler likes it. he know's how much tyler hates physical contact, so if tyler ever felt down, at stops he goes out to grab him a red bull and his favorite order at taco bell (josh knows it by heart, and even with his severe anxiety, never fails to get it exactly right every time) and brings it back onto the van to enjoy with tyler. just to grace him company, give him presence, keep him grounded. josh just knows what tyler needs and tyler hates just how much he loves it.
"hey, tyler?" josh whispered one night. it was nearly summer and the van was cramped and stuffy and hot and tyler never got any sleep during these times. he was completely awake and answered almost immediately, "hey josh, what's up?"
josh had taken a moment to respond after that, and tyler didn't press him.
"do you- do you think i'm any good at this whole drumming thing?"
tyler sat up on his side. he accidentally kicked michael softly in the nose, and he held still while he waited for their friend to settle back down into sleep.
"of course i do, josh," he whispered, genuinely astonished. "why else would i have wanted you to be my drummer that night of the bar?"
tyler couldn't see josh's face but he could hear his smile when he replied, "because you had no others members left willing to take up the job?"
tyler cracked a smile back into the darkness. he hoped josh could hear it, too. "touche, man."
"hey, tyler?" josh mumbled again after a minute of silence.
"hey, josh."
"come outside with me? the van's really hot and we can be quiet."
without hesitation, tyler hummed a sure, dude, and helped josh step over the unmoving bodies of their van buddies.
it was much cooler outside of the van, and there were a few stars out for the first time in a while. a streetlight a few paces away from the bench they sat on illuminated the dark for him. tyler was glad for this. it meant he'd get a chance to actually see josh's smile again.
funny how he never got tired of seeing his smile. usually, positivity was difficult for tyler to maintain. it was tiring, and succumbing to his dark, saddening thoughts was much less work (and ultimately made the best songs).
but it was never like that when it came to josh.
there was really nothing funny about it, but tyler chuckled softly anyways.
josh's head lifted. he already had a ghost of a smile gracing his face, and tyler could feel his heart lifting in his chest. "what's so funny?"
"no, s'nothing," tyler murmured. josh's hair tickled as he settled his head onto his shoulders and into the crook of tyler's neck. "nothing."
josh hummed a bit. "tyler?"
"yes, josh?"
"things are picking up from here, you know? like, we've had this dream for the longest time. there's gonna be record labels at this next show. there's gonna be cameras, and people, so many people. an entire sold out arena. just for us." he yawned quietly, draping an arm around tyler. tyler hoped josh wouldn't notice how fast his pulse was beating under his touch. "and now we're about to start living it, we're gonna start sharing this dream together, man. isn't that- isn't that sick?" he mumbled. tyler could tell he was falling asleep, and it made his heart flutter in ways he most certainly did not ask for.
"so sick, dude," he breathed.
"i am your drummer, right?" josh spoke back up after a few minutes, startling tyler, who'd thought he was asleep. "that's what you said. we're going to do this, right tyler? we're going to do this together?"
tyler's stomach was twisting so severely he felt as if he would be sick. "of course, josh. you're my drummer, and i'm your singer-front-man-thing. always. we're in this together."
josh's lips turned up into a smile against tyler's skin. "good."
they sat in a comfortable silence for a minute, tyler well awake under the moons glare, waiting his brain out until he felt josh's body slowly relax against his own, and his breathing become more timed and even. minutes turning into hours turning into a morning where tyler was woken up by a cramping neck and michael blowing air aggressively in his face and first met by mark's whatever you say, dude.
"i'm not gay," tyler grumbled, as he gently untangled josh's arms from around his torso. "i can't help it. he has a really nice smile."
"who has a nice smile?" josh said sleepily, woken regardless of tyler's chivalrous consideration. his voice was raspy with the drowsy dust the moon sprinkles down on his captives and tyler had to restrain himself from swallowing out loud. and he didn't even have to look over at mark to know what his dumb face was saying.
tyler isn't gay. he wasn't gay then, and he certainly isn't gay now.
he had met a beautiful girl at his brother's wedding. it has been about a year since they had signed to a record label, and jenna (but josh?) was there to celebrate it with him. she had the sweetest blond hair and the purest heart and the gentlest smile ever.
(josh's hair was a soft, soft cotton candy, his heart could melt on your tongue and settle deep into your veins, his smile was a gentle pump pump, pump pump among the broken roads in tyler's heart.)
he liked jenna a lot. he took her out on dates, to run up and down the streets of the cities they've traveled on tour, to his favorite forests where he found the most peace of mind (josh). he sung his songs for her, strumming the little ukulele that (josh) had helped him pick out. it felt weird singing them to her (only because she wasn't josh) and he knew that jenna didn't understand the complexity of tyler's brain but she was willing to listen to him and take all the broken pieces of his brain as he emptied them into her hands, and he liked her for that.
he liked jenna.
(not josh.)
mark never stopped with the looks, though. whether they took trains or airplanes or buses or vans tyler's body would find a way to land itself around josh. it wasn't intentional. it wasn't his fault. he would always wander mindlessly, or enter a room completely captivated in his mind and josh will be there and pull him out and just one hey man, check out this sweet video i found on youtube, and tyler's body would just plop itself as close as bros can get without it being gay.
cause if tyler was anything-
(and he was many things-)
if tyler was anything it was anything but not straight.
and it was not tyler's fault.
but mark never vocalized his amusement and if jenna noticed at all she seemed fairly indifferent, so tyer decided he didn't entirely mind his body doing what it was for the moment.
*
it was only a couple months later. he came to the knowledge that apparently, he wasn't the only who appreciated josh's smile.
josh told tyler the news during one of their bro-dates to taco bell. they had just finished a heated debate on the existence of aliens, and tyler was just in the middle of swallowing the last bit of taco in his mouth, when: "hey, dude, i met the nicest girl a while back, and we've been like, getting really close, and we're- we're dating now! isn't that sweet? now jenna doesn't have to share you with me any longer."
josh had that big smile on his face, the whole way round ones (those were only reserved for him) and tyler had plastered on a humongous grin, breathing out a shaky laugh.
"dude! man, when did you two meet, since when has this been going on without my knowledge?" he mocked (but not really) hurt, dramatically sprawling a hand to his heart. and maybe he really was just being dramatic, cause it was like he could feel the thump thump, thump thump fading out right through his palm.
"it hasn't been that long," josh grinned back. "only a month or so, i think. i didn't know we'd become so close and hit it off so well, so i didn't see any need to tell you about her. but turns out we did, and she's the sweetest person ever and i'm sure you'll love her, dude!"
i love you, tyler's heartbeat screamed. i love you! and we've been close for years and we hit it off so well and that's supposed to be me and i love you.
"if she's anything as sweet as you, i'm sure i will," tyler strained through his teeth, forcing the corners of his mouth up into a smile. "i'm happy for you dude."
the taco bell had a bathroom tucked away in a small corner. tyler found himself inside one of the tiny stalls, emptying out his stomach into the toilet. he was an idiot. what the hell was he doing? tyler loved jenna.
tyler loved josh.
his body gave way on the grimy floor of the stall, and he felt just as disgusting so he made no move to get up.
tyler loved josh.
he felt his stomach lurch again, and he heat rose behind his eyelids.
he hated himself. he truly did.
*
jenna and josh's new girlfriend hit off. maybe even better than jenna had with tyler. he wanted to be bothered by it, but he wasn't feeling much of anything lately.
things were picking up for the band, too. more people starting showing up for shows, they starting selling out more and bigger arenas, attracting more people and their fan base was truly starting to expand larger than they had even anticipated on one of their endless late-night talks, and tyler had been writing and writing and writing.
he wrote songs about his sleep, his nightmares, his own stupid head that had such a tight grip on his heart and at this point tyler hardly wanted it to let him go. having a place behind the wheel was so terrifying, so tiring, so he gladly let his destructive thoughts take over. he sat in the backseat of his drive through life, through concerts for fans who's screams echoed in his brain when he couldn't sleep at night, and wrote until his fingers would cramp over, 'till his eyes would seep through the sockets in his skull and the world around him was burning, everything was falling apart around him but he stayed in place, writing lyric after lyric and and chorus after chorus and song after stupid song.
and he tried to hate josh. he tried to dump all his internal torture onto the smiley boy, he really did. who exactly does he think he is, to be all the way across the country in l.a., going out and laughing and smiling with somebody that wasn't tyler?
you don't own him, you idiot, tyler kicked himself in his head. you don't own him; you never did.
tyler's pencil broke on his journal from pressure, and he slammed the book shut and flung it across the room.
"he's not gay, tyler," he spoke out loud to himself. he hated how shaky his voice was. when had he become this weak?
"he's not gay, and neither are you."
he had also tried giving the seat in the back of the car a rest by leaning his head back to fall into another dreamless sleep, but his door creaked open and mark peeked his head in.
"hey, buddy. i just, uh," he shut the door behind him nervously. "is this okay?" he asked. at tylers stiff nod, he continued, "i just wanted to check up on you. you've been holing yourself in your room a lot lately and- alright, look tyler. maybe you're right. maybe you aren't gay. but that doesn't make it wrong for you to love josh the way you do. not all men who like men have to label themselves with anything. it's alright to just like him," mark rushed out before tyler could interrupt. "i know how much you care about him, and burying yourself inside here all week isn't going to do anything about it. dating isn't permanent, ty-guy. let's go out for some taco's, yeah?"
tyler thought about that for a while. it was a fresh release from the suffocating car he'd trapped himself in for the weeks before that, and he let himself take it all in, during a karaoke at some random bar with mark and jenna cheering him on in the crowd, at a taco bell they stopped by to stuff their faces in, at a gas station where they loaded with chocolate bars. he had been dreading this self-confrontation, but he appreciated mark for grounding him this time.
what was jenna to tyler, anyways? he did love her, that was no lie. but maybe it just wasn't in the way he was trying for, the way that would corrupt his heart and exile all feelings he had for his bandmate, but that obviously was not working, and it wrenched at his heart at the possibility that he had been using jenna this entire time as a sort of rebound, even if for a relationship that never happened in the first place.
"and i think i love him," tyer murmured, sat at the dining room table across from jenna. "i think i'm- i'm in love with him. and i'm sorry jenna. he just makes me really happy, for some stupid reason. his smile is hands down the most gorgeous thing i have ever seen and his eyes always get so small and tiny when he laughs and he laughs so much with me and he makes me feel safe and i dont know why and i'm trying to hate it jenna i tried to hate it but i can't and it makes me want to- it makes me want to scream i'm so sorry jenna i'm so so sorry-"
he was quieted by a pair of warm, understanding arms gently wrapping around his thin frame. it was such a nice change from feeling so cold and lonely for so long, and so what if tyler loathed physical contact, and so what if he let himself cry hard into jenna's neck.
"i know, tyler. i always knew, and i can see the way you need him, the things he can do for you that neither i, nor anybody else ever could. i get it. i understand."
tyler sniffled, pulling back slightly. "so what now?" he whispered.
jenna shrugged gently. "i mean, i'm guessing that that was you breaking up with me," she pulled a weak playful smile, but her eyes were saddened, and tyler could see it clear as day and it burrowed away into an ever-growing file in his brain labeled "guilt and other things you can never manage to do right."
"will you stay with us on tour, though? please, jenna? i know it's a lot to ask, but you've become such an important part of this family, and i'd- we'd all hate to see you go."
she shook her head, no longer looking tyler straight in the eye. "i- i can't do that, tyler." she untangled herself from his arms, and rose from the dining table. "i think i'm gonna head back to ohio from here, grab the next plane there or something," she exhaled shakily. tyler's gut wrenched, and he leaned his head back onto the chair, whispering, "fuck, jenna. i'm so- im so, so sorry."
she was quiet for a moment, before speaking up, softly. "i love you, tyler. thank you for everything." she left the room, and tyler's eyes bored holes into the face of the door way where she last stood.
he played extra hard that night. his feet were bruised from jumping and stomping and running running running and his hands hurt from gripping the mike too hard and his throat felt thick and stuffy and the screams he hurled across the arena tore all the soul from his body. he avoided josh's smiling eyes the entire ride back to the hotel.
*
tyler found josh curled on his hotel bed not even two weeks later, eyes boring right through the episode of x-files playing before him. he didn't look up as tyler entered the room.
"josh? hey man, you doing okay?" tyler spoke, tentatively. josh's gaze flickered over to where he stood at the door, then settled right back on the show before him.
"yeah, i'm good."
tyler crossed the room, and crouched down, right in the way of josh's view of the tv. "no, man. you definitely aren't good."
josh seemed to deflate entirely, smiling eyes dull and mouth down turned. refusing to look him in the eye. "please, tyler. please leave."
tyler looked at him for a few heartbeats, and then he pushed himself up and left the room. he came bak five minutes later with a bowl of oreos and bottled milk, and settled himself on the bed right next to josh. without saying a word, josh threw open the blanket he had wrapped around himself, shuffling over so tyler could fit inside. tyer set the bowl of oreos before him, and let josh rest his head against his shoulder. and if he felt the small shudders or caught sight of the silent tears, tyler didn't say anything about it.
they had a crowd of 20,000 tonight, and tyler could hear the roar of their dedicated fan, could feel it vibrate through his bones, pumping the blood in his veins. through the rush in his ears, he caught josh's (sad, anxious, violent) eyes across the room.
josh took his turn at playing extra hard that night. he broke a total of three (and a half) drumsticks before the show even ended. they had one song left before their closing song when tyler stepped up to the mic, holding a hand up to signal josh before he could slam a foot down on the peddle that would begin to play the backing tracks.
"how are you guys doing tonight, we all good?" he began, the familiar roar rising up again before he could finish the sentence. "i think we have enough time to slip in just one special song tonight, don't you?" he could feel the eyes of the stage managers burning in his back, but he pressed on firmly. "i wrote this one for him."
he brushed his fingers across the small instrument, before strumming out a familiar pattern that had the crowd up in flames once more.
"wise men say, only fools rush in..."
*
josh found tyler cowering away in small dressing room after the show. tyler had made a break for it after the last bow on stage, muttering something about bathrooms and feeling a bit sick. the latter wasn't a lie, but he maneuvered his way to the farthest end of the backstage venue as he was permitted, and let himself reflect on the poor decisions he made. he hadn't heard josh enter the room, and he nearly jumped out of his skin when the light switched on.
"hey, man," josh said, softly. he was removing his red suit, and swiping warily at the small bit of running eye paint down his nose. he had a large, red bruise on his lower arm, and tyler's eyes decided to follow it instead of looking josh directly in the eyes.
"we should be leaving in like, fifteen minutes. we've got a re-positioned meet and greet a few blocks down..." josh trailed off as tyler crossed the room to meet him where he stood. josh stumbled a step back, but tyler only reached out to take his wounded arm in his hand, examining the wound. josh already had wide eyes on him when he looked up to meet his gaze.
"were you ever going to get this checked?" tyler murmured, turning his arms over in his hand. "it looks pretty bad, josh."
josh ignored his question. "what was that tonight? the manager had a word with me after the show, because you ran off so quick the second the lights turned on."
tyler breathed a laugh. "take my hand, take my whole life too, dude."
josh heaved a sigh, but he finally returned the smile (and oh gosh, tyler didn't even realize how much he had missed that smile). "cause i can't help-" he trailed off, eyes dropping to tyler's lingering hand on his arm. tyler dropped his grip (josh's arms were so warm?) and moved around josh towards the door. jesus christ, he could both feel and hear his heart pounding in his chest. "we should go, man. don't wanna keep all our angry crew waiting."
*
tyler isn't gay, but he might love josh.
he does love josh.
and josh has been giving him strange looks ever since the spontaneous cover song he interrupted a concert with a month ago. tyler would catch josh just looking at him, and sometimes when tyler couldn't hold his breath any longer he'd turn to catch josh's eye, and then sometimes josh would abruptly look away but then there were other times where he'd maintain eye contact, until either tyler thought his heart would combust in his chest or josh decided he would have mercy on his opponent.
"he watches you a lot, you know," mark noted, as he and tyler lay lazily on a bed in their hotel room. josh was out with a few friends, so they had the place all to themselves this afternoon.
tyler's head snapped up so fast, but mark didn't give him a chance to interject when he continued. "like, at least, more than he used to. he also, like, comes to me a lot now, literally just to ask about you? dunno what you did to spark his sudden interest in you," mark laughed. "but whatever you're doing, keep doing it."
"dude," tyler breathed, sitting up. "slow down, wait, did you say that he... like, talks about me? and watches- and used to- dude-"