Work Text:
Group Chat: Melodramatic Retirees
Aweto has been added by Magic Disappearing Act to Melodramatic Retirees.
Arrow to the Knee has set Aweto’s nickname to Magician’s Assistant
Magic Disappearing Act: Why…?
Arrow to the Knee: Couple name!
Magician’s Assistant: Hello?
Gotta Take This: What are you Doing
Arrow to the Knee: I ship it!
BRB: How??? They haven’t even spoken yet??
Arrow to the Knee: I have been shipping this for over five years let me live
Magician’s Assistant: Captain Lin?!
Arrow to the Knee: Aw, he knew who I was talking about just from that!
Arrow to the Knee: Adorable!!
BRB: I guess we’re naming Fang Shiqian’s cuts-all-contact sin as “grabs a second championship and skedaddles”?
Died, I Guess: That has nothing to do with his name
Smoke Break: I guess he was only vice-captain…
Call You Back: Some of us weren’t even that!
Arrow to the Knee: No objection!
Kbye: fucking shameless
Arrow to the Knee: That didn’t sound like an objection!
KIA: Welcome to the chat, Fang Shiqian. Yes, it’s always this bad.
Dazzling Hundred Blossoms has been added by Mid-Match Banter to Melodramatic Retirees.
KIA has set Dazzling Hundred Blossoms’s nickname to Last-Minute Abandonment
GG: Whoa SZP, easy on the salt there
KIA: I name Zhang Jiale’s cuts-all-contact sin as “abandons the team at the last minute without prior notice and immediately disappears,” any objections?
Last-Minute Abandonment: hello? What is this?
Call You Back: No objections!
Magic Disappearing Act: None at all
Last-Minute Abandonment: Big Sun???? Where have you been???
Call You Back: Ooh, the forbidden question
Gotta Take This: Yeah you can’t ask that, it’s the Rules
Last-Minute Abandonment: What rules? What is this?
Mid-Match Banter: Hi Zhang Jiale, this is the group chat for all the people who have left the Pro Alliance and cut all contact with their team
BRB: Yeah, no asking where we are
What Money: Or how much money we owe
Last-Minute Abandonment: What money?
What Money: Yes hi that’s my name
Last-Minute Abandonment: No I mean, what money are you talking about?
What Money: Yes that’s my name that’s what I’m talking about
Mid-Match Banter: That’s Guo Mingyu, he owes Ye Qiu a lot of money, and one day he’s going to pay it back
What Money: hahahaha sure
Last-Minute Abandonment: …okay
Last-Minute Abandonment: More importantly, @Big Sun HI??? Are you ok??
Baton Pass: He’s offline
Last-Minute Abandonment: What the fuck
BRB: gasp the puppy swore
Last-Minute Abandonment: What fucking puppy I’m a full-grown adult who hasn’t seen SOMEONE in YEARS what the FUCK
Died, I Guess: Shhhh
Mid-Match Banter: They’re always like this at the beginning, give them time
BRB: Yeah, remember Old Fang joining?
What Money: Haha so many tears
Died, I Guess: From Wei Chen
Kbye: Your mother, I didn’t cry
BRB: It was beautiful :’)
Baton Pass: He deserved it
GG: Old Fang cursed him out til he was blue in the face
Baton Pass: Excuse you
Baton Pass: I took breaths at reasonable intervals
Baton Pass: How else could I have sustained it for that long?
BRB: Don’t tell me you’re keeping in contact with Hundred Blossoms, Little Zhang
Last-Minute Abandonment: ………
BRB: Yeah I didn’t think so. That’s what this group is for! No-contact assholes only. You’ll get used to it.
Last-Minute Abandonment: So he’s just going to ignore me?
Baton Pass: You did just abandon your old team
Last-Minute Abandonment: SO DID THE REST OF YOU
Died, I Guess: Accurate.
Magician’s Assitant: Got us there
Magic Disappearing Act: So it goes. Welcome to the melodramatic retirees!
Last-Minute Abandonment: What do you even talk about here
BRB: Oh, anything
Gotta Take This: Anything but the Forbidden Questions
Smoke Break: Anything but the Forbidden Questions +1
Died, I Guess: Anything but the Forbidden Questions +2
What Money: Anything but the Forbidden Questions +3
Mid-Match Banter: Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it
KIA: I’m fine
Call You Back: GUYS he’s posting this in the middle of the night he’s not fine
BRB: Or he’s the sneakiest asshole on the planet
Smoke Break: What?
KIA: Lele backreads
Kbye: Are you kidding? This is the stupidest shit I’ve ever witnessed with my own two eyes
Gotta Take This: Wow Wei Chen, I didn’t know you don’t own a mirror
BRB: [laughing]
Call You Back: [laughing] +1
GG: [laughing] +2
Died, I Guess: [laughing] +3
Magician’s Assistant: who the hell even backreads
KIA: Lele, I just said
Magician’s Assistant: adorable
KIA: right?
Arrow to the Knee: Guys.
Smoke Break: What?
Arrow to the Knee: Guys. I ship it.
BRB: Fuck off, you’ve been saying that about everyone since forever
Magic Disappearing Act: Do you perhaps ship it over me and Shiqian?
Arrow the the Knee: I can multitask
Magician’s Assistant: fuck.
Arrow to the Knee: See you complete each other’s sentences, adorable
Magician’s Assistant: get lost asshole
Arrow to the Knee: Never.
Magic Disappearing Act: That wasn’t even a sentence…
Last-Minute Abandonment: YOUR FUCKING MOTHER I BACKREAD
Last-Minute Abandonment: COME OUT AND TALK TO ME LIKE A MAN BIG SUN
Last-Minute Abandonment: MOST AGGRESSIVE BERSERKER MY ASS
Baton Pass: Uh…I don’t think he’s online
Magician’s Assistant: does szp backread too
Last-Minute Abandonment: fucking NOPE
Last-Minute Abandonment: goddamn bastard’s never gonna see this
Died, I Guess: I feel like you’re very angry Zhang Jiale
Last-Minute Abandonment: YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT
BRB: Everyone, keep the chat silent until Big Sun returns
Arrow to the Knee: Yeah Big Sun, talk it out with your bf, no excuses
Died, I Guess: Lmao
What Money: no excuses +1
Gotta Take This: no excuses +2
Baton Pass: no excuses +3
Call You Back: no excuses +4
BRB: Wait guys if the train gets too long he won’t see it
KIA: Did you all seriously not speak for a full day and a half so I’d have to see this
Last-Minute Abandonment: PM ME YOU WEAK NOODLE
KIA: Meet me in the game Lele I’ll show you a weak noodle
Kbye: Your father is here to solve the dispute, tell him what’s wrong
Arrow to the Knee: [popcorn]
Baton Pass: I think they already left
Arrow to the Knee: WAIT WHAT AM I DOING
Arrow to the Knee: NO POPCORN
Arrow to the Knee: TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE GOING
Arrow to the Knee: YOU DIDN’T ACTUALLY ENTER THE GAME RIGHT
Arrow to the Knee: My shiiiiiipppp
Magician’s Assistant: holy shit shut up
Last-Minute Abandonment: We’re friends again
KIA: I don’t recall this being a thing
Last-Minute Abandonment: Us being friends again? It’s my decision, no escaping it
KIA: …I don’t recall not being friends
Last-Minute Abandonment: I DON’T RECALL HEARING FROM YOU FOR TWO YEARS EITHER SO
Magician’s Assistant: yikes szp [laughing]
Smoke Break: Violation of the ruuulllless
GG: Nah, he didn’t ask him where he was, just said he didn’t hear from him
Mid-Match Banter: I’ll allow it
BRB: Yeah we all know what we’ve done
Died, I Guess: Our names are our cuts-all-contact sins. We can’t escape.
What Money: I have no idea what you’re talking about, my name has nothing to do with cutting contact
Mid-Match Banter: I beg to differ
What Money: hahahaha sure
Call You Back: Guys did you see this?? Ye Qiu retired
Magician’s Assistant: u sure he didnt die
Smoke Break: EE said retired but we all know how evil EE is
Kbye: EE is evil +1
Last-Minute Abandonment: Evil EE +2
Died, I Guess: Evil EE +3
Mid-Match Banter : Ahem
BRB: …Evil EE +4
What Money: Yeah don’t try to fight this WXF you stole all our championships you bastard
Baton Pass: I don’t want to hear any complaints from the only person with a 3/3 championship win rate
Magician’s Assistant: yea u dic
Smoke Break: wait the rules say you can’t attack Brother Feng
Call You Back: Brother Feng can edit the rules you fool
Mid-Match Banter: No it’s fine, get it out now
Mid-Match Banter: Because it looks like it’s finally time to add the most dramatically uncommunicative person ever to our ranks
Died, I Guess: FUCK EE
Died, I Guess: Okay done go ahead
BRB: UH NO
BRB: the rest of us haven’t gone yet, come on, let’s get to it
BRB: EE IS THE LITERAL WORST TEAM
BRB: Alright everyone AIR YOUR GRIEVANCES let’s GO
Mid-Match Banter: sigh
Magician’s Assistant: ee blows
Mid-Match Banter: Little Fang, you have two championships
Magician’s Assistant: solidarity
Magician’s Assistant: and im bitter about season 2
Last-Minute Abandonment: …not season three?
Arrow to the Knee: I ship it
GG: I love how y’all are pretending Ye Qiu is going to check his QQ
One Autumn Leaf has been added by Mid-Match Banter to the Melodramatic Retirees.
Baton Pass has set One Autumn Leaf’s nickname to Never Even Seen
Gotta Take This: Welcome
BRB: All hail the most mysterious of us all
Kbye: FUCK EE
Mid-Match Banter: [facepalm]
Kbye: Sorry, missed my shot
Mid-Match Banter: The last message of that type was posted fifteen minutes ago
Mid-Match Banter: I’m not buying it
Baton Pass: I name Ye Qiu’s cuts-all-contact sin as “Retires mid-season without a word, never showed his face, doesn’t even own a phone,” any objections?
BRB: I literally don’t remember what he looks like. No objection here!
Kbye: Can’t we call him “championship-stealing jackass,” like we always do?
Mid-Match Banter: Rejected.
Baton Pass: Why, what do you want to call him?
Mid-Match Banter: No this is fine, the petition to change it is rejected
BRB: Yeah guys he hasn’t won a championship in like, six years
Magician’s Assistant: yea get rekt ye qiu
Gotta Take This: Get rekt Ye Qiu +1
Mid-Match Banter: I’m sensing a lot of hostility here
What Money: Wow a regular esper how’d you guess
GG: Again, y’all pretending Ye Qiu is checking his messages right now is adorable
Baton Pass: Little Zhang, you’re joining Tyranny?
BRB: What is this betrayal
Last-Minute Abandonment: I mean, Han Wenqing is gathering a lot of the old generals
Call You Back: Blocked, unfriended, get out of my sight
Gotta Take This: Kick Him
Last-Minute Abandonment: Are you serious?
BRB: Even when you’re kicked, you can’t tell anyone about this
What Money: Yeah you were sworn in no breaking the code
Magician’s Assistant: dead srs
Died, I Guess: Bye buddy
Magic Disappearing Act: Any last words?
Magician’s Assistant: nah just kick him
Last-Minute Abandonment: WEI CHEN IS JOINING YE QIU IN HAPPY
Last-Minute Abandonment was removed by Magic Disappearing Act from Melodramatic Retirees
Call You Back: WAIT EXPLAIN
Smoke Break: DON’T KICK HIM YET
Magic Disappearing Act: Already done, sorry
What Money: Wei Chen what is this
Kbye: Challenger league is not the pro league. You know this
Died, I Guess: Like you and Ye Qiu won’t wipe the floor with those children
Kbye: Hahaha there's no doubt of that. But since I’m not in the pro league yet, I’m obviously still safe
Gotta Take This: Quibbling…
Kbye: Hey, I belong here. I practically invented the melodramatic retirement
Baton Pass: Why are you proud of that.
Kbye: I’m just saying!
BRB: I love how not a single person has brought up kicking Ye Qiu yet
What Money: Why bother he’s not even here
GG: Y’all just afraid of Wu Xuefeng in here
Magician’s Assistant: who tf is afraid of an actual teddy bear
Mid-Match Banter: I appreciate your support
Magician’s Assistant: sure w/e
Baton Pass: Sun Zheping did you just sign up for the Challenger League?
KIA: How do you even know that, it happened maybe two days ago, what’s wrong with you
Call You Back: ADMINS!
KIA: Excuse you, Wei Chen was already in the Challenger League
Call You Back: BLOCKED
KIA: I literally joined his team
Call You Back: U N F R I E N D E D
Smoke Break: You were the best of us, Big Sun
BRB: Yeah, you’ll be missed
KIA: YE QIU IS STILL IN HERE AND HE BARELY EVEN RETIRED HE WAS BACK SO FAST
Mid-Match Banter: Yes, but Ye Qiu is my favorite
GG: Wow bro you ain’t even hiding it
Call You Back: Big Sun is joining Heavenly Swords, make him leeavvvee!
Mid-Match Banter: Congrats on winning the Challenger League, Sun Zheping, Wei Chen, Brother Ye
GG: You will be missed.
Kbye: I’m a goddamn admin
Gotta Take This: You’ll be Fucking Missed you tool, I’m calling in the creator of the group chat
Kbye: Like he even comes on anymore
Missing Founder: I do
Kbye: the fuck
Kbye was removed by Missing Founder from Melodramatic Retirees.
Magician’s Assistant: lol the irony
KIA: I’m barely a core player
Gotta Take This: Wow what a fucking Tragedy
Magic Disappearing Act: So? Wei Chen is fully a reserve player
Magician’s Assistant: roast him babe
GG: Yeah he’s not even here
Magic Disappearing Act: Don’t call me that
Magician’s Assistant: what babe
Magic Disappearing Act: I can’t tell if you’re asking for clarification or blatantly addressing me the same way again…
Magician’s Assistant: that's rough babe
KIA was removed by Baton Pass from Melodramatic Retirees
BRB: Shed a tear for Sun Zheping
Died, I Guess: We’ve lost a good man
Magician’s Assistant: k time for ye qiu kick him out
What Money: Ye who?
Magic Disappearing Act: Does he even know this chat exists?
Magician’s Assistant: haha probs not he wont even care
Arrow to the Knee: I ship it
Gotta Take This: We Know
Never Even Seen was removed by Baton Pass from Melodramatic Retirees
Gotta Take This: True to his name to the end
What Money: … Ok but he’s shown up on camera multiple times now
Gotta Take This: True to his Name to the End, jackass
What Money: hahaha sure
Call You Back: LOOK AT THIS
Call You Back: [scandal.jpg]
Call You Back: FLAUNTING THE RUUULLLESS
Baton Pass: …You just took a picture of us and left?
Call You Back: I’M not a RULE BREAKER
Baton Pass: I’m part of the chat, though, you can talk to me…
Gotta Take This: Yeah but Wei Chen is Not anymore
Baton Pass: We were dating before this!
Call You Back: I’m not bursting in on your date, way too awkward
Baton Pass: …but you’ll take pictures of us
Mid-Match Banter: From, apparently, behind a bush
Magician’s Assistant: lol thats not awkward at all
Call You Back: No contact with anyone! That’s the foundation of this group!
Baton Pass: Little Fang and Brother Lin are dating! That’s contact
Arrow to the Knee: HOLY SHIT THEY ARE???
Magician’s Assistant: way to toss us under the bus jerkwad
Smoke Break: …I guess they’re both in the chat so it’s fine
Gotta Take This: But Fang Shijing, this is a little…
Baton Pass: Guys, we’ve been dating for years. I’m not going to break up with Wei Chen because he wants to get a championship. I think we’ve all been there
BRB: Ugh, EE. Championship-stealing jackasses. They deserve the end they got
Call You Back: Championship-stealing jackasses +1
Smoke Break: Championship-stealing jackasses +2
Gotta Take This: Championship-stealing Jackasses +3
Arrow to the Knee: WHOA WHOA WE’RE NOT JUST CRUISING PAST THIS
Arrow to the Knee: BROTHER LIN AND LITTLE FANG ARE DATING??
Magic Disappearing Act: We have been for a while, actually.
Arrow to the Knee: WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY
Magician’s Assistant: maybe cuz ur awkward and offputting as fuck
Magic Disappearing Act: There just didn’t seem to be a right time to say it, I guess…
Magician’s Assistant: ok watching u lie is way worse
Magician’s Assistant: its cuz i thought it was v funny
Magician’s Assistant: u wanted us to date so bad lmao
Died, I Guess: Do you really have to type like that…
Gotta Take This: Yeah, what happened to you being all Proper and trying to impress Lin Jie as a reasonable and rational Adult?
Magician’s Assistant: we started dating u idiot
Magician’s Assistant: turns out he’s cool w/ me as is
Arrow to the Knee: That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard
Magician’s Assistant: pls shut up
Magician’s Assistant: dont make my shtty typng romantic ill have to stop out of spite
Arrow to the Knee: I need to backread to figure out exactly when you started dating by the shift in typing style
BRB: I never understood why you ship it, and I can’t see it now
BRB: Even though they’re already dating
BRB: Brother Lin why do you like this guy?
Magic Disappearing Act: If everyone liked exactly the same type of person it’d be very boring.
Magician’s Assistant: babe ur so cute
What Money: No seriously stop this shit
Magic Disappearing Act: Please don’t call me that
Magician’s Assistant: so cute
Arrow to the Knee: Wei Chen retired! Add him to the chat so Old Fang can start dating him again!
Baton Pass: I never broke up with him…
Call You Back: Quickly! Get him in here! Lighten their crimes!
Windward Formation has been added by Mid-Match Banter to Melodramatic Retirees.
Mid-Match Banter has set Windward Formation’s nickname to Drive-By
Mid-Match Banter: I name Wei Chen’s cuts-all-contact sin as “returns after seven years off the grid to get a single championship and then quits again,” any objections?
Gotta Take This: Did he really cut all contact? I don’t know that he did
Magic Disappearing Act: I feel like his return and retirement are melodramatic enough as-is. Thoughts?
Drive-By: You guys know I’m already here, right
Call You Back: If he’s still part of a club and playing the game, he shouldn’t be here!
BRB: Oh, like you don’t play Glory
Call You Back: I don’t!
BRB: You spent hours online this weekend, don’t lie
Call You Back: ……
Call You Back: unfriended
Smoke Break: Can’t we just call him “Kbye” again? He only left for a few months
Drive-By: A few months and a championship, don’t put me on your level
BRB: …kick him
Drive-By: give me back admin privileges!
Died, I Guess: …kick him +1
Magician’s Assistant: lol “im not like b4” and “give me the good shit from b4” make up ur mind windsack
Drive-By: It’s Windward Formation, you heathen
Magician’s Assistant: i didnt even kno ur characters name i was just calling u a windsack
Baton Pass: Please, like everyone here didn’t avidly watch this season
Mid-Match Banter: This season? More like every season
Died, I Guess: Shhh you can’t out us as caring
Call You Back: Yeah, come on! Solidarity!
Drive-By: I didn’t say a goddamn thing about this chat, you’re welcome
Smoke Break: Wait, didn’t Ye Xiu retire too?
Drive-By: Yeah, he’s going back to his family
GG: Wait, his family? What’s going on with that?
Lord Grim has been added by Mid-Match Banter to Melodramatic Retirees.
Call You Back has set Lord Grim’s nickname to Unreasonable Records
Call You Back: I name Ye Xiu’s cuts-all-contact sin “doesn’t show up for eight years, suddenly disappears, returns with an all new team, slaughters his way to a blasphemous consecutive win record and yet another championship (fucking four, you prick), then immediately leaves again”
Mid-Match Banter: That’s…really long
Call You Back: YE XIU’S LIST OF SINS IS REALLY LONG, OKAY?
Call You Back: THIS ALREADY COUNTS AS BEING NICE
GG: Eh, seconded
Drive-By: Seems fine to me
Gotta Take This: Oh hell no this absolute Wreck just got added to the China Glory team
Call You Back: Admins! Kick him!
Mid-Match Banter: Again? He isn’t even part of the Pro Alliance
Call You Back: K I C K H I M
Unreasonable Records was removed by Drive-By from Melodramatic Retirees
Mid-Match Banter: Wei Chen!
Drive-By: It had to be done
Ye Xiu has been added by Mid-Match Banter to Melodramatic Retirees.
Magician’s Assistant has set Ye Xiu’s nickname to Revolving Door
Magician’s Assistant: listen here u shit
Magician’s Assistant: this better b the last fckn time
Revolving Door: Hey guys, what’s this?
Call You Back: HE SPEAKS!
GG: Maybe it really is the last time
Smoke Break: It’s a sign!
BRB: I name Ye Xiu’s cuts-all-contact sin as “unable to make up his goddamn mind about whether or not he’s in the Alliance, ignores everyone regardless”
Revolving Door: I didn’t ask to come back the second time, the Alliance pushed my family into it
Gotta Take This: Wow, Woe is Fucking You
Magician’s Assistant: “im so good the alliance forced me to come back and win it all 4 china”
Magician’s Assistant: jackass
Mid-Match Banter: Hey, little brother. How’s it been?
Revolving Door: Haha, it’s been wild, Brother Feng. And you?
Mid-Match Banter: Not bad, little brother. Not bad.
(In the Internet Café across the street from Excellent Era, Ye Xiu looked at the invitation to a chat group called “Melodramatic Retirees.” It was interesting to know it existed, but…he wasn’t actually done yet, not really.
There would be time.)