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Anxiety is inseparable part of Jimin's life. He can't explain why. And whenever it envelops him he is able to just cry. He always falls asleep from tiredness, streaks of dried tears on his cheeks.
They constantly decorate his cheeks, almost like scars. The evidence of his weakness.
Unchanged nights are so tiring and he knows that everybody sees his bloodshot eyes. They know and they mock him. At the orphanage, at school. Oncoming morning is always oppressive for Jimin.
Why do people care? Why they have to smirk seeing his dark circles under eyes? Why is it so fun to laugh at him? Is he so loathing? Because he has no family? Because he's too vulnerable? He just thinks such stuff but he couldn't ever defend himself, he just lets them mock.
And Jimin is just able to worry about everything, never bold enough to do anything about it. He is just so familiar with sorrow, he can't even remember how it is to have different thoughts.
The darkness is endless in his little bubble.
And he knows that his envy towards others is ridiculous. He is mad at himself because they describe him as 'frailty boy' and they're right, he's aware.
He supposes that jealousy also describes him perfectly. Although it's painful. Everything is just so wounding. Every night, every day. He stares outside the window just to see others playing and to hear others laughing, talking.
It breaks down his heart, not being able to join them, be like them.
And he cries again. A crybaby indeed.
Weeping and sobbing lasts for hours but after all he still can't change anything.
But honestly why would anybody want to befriend him? He always looks so gloomy and upset. But nothing can be done about it.
Jimin has nothing but he wants something so badly. He just wants his heart and eyes to be taken away. So he won't be able to shed tears ever again.
His surrounding are full of liars and Jimin can never spot one so it's better to not trust anybody. He don't want to be hurt even more. He's afraid to let anybody in. He's afraid to show his ugly self to someone.
Only his plush bunny knows how often Jimin cries and all of his concerns. His only friend, yet Jimin hates sometimes when black buttons are staring and baring his soul so he punches his plushy friend from time to time.
“Why are you walking next to me?” Jimin snaps after few minutes of Jungkook following him around school. Again.
“Why not? Am I bothering you?” Jungkook smiles widely.
“Yes. Yes you are. Am I not clear enough? Don't talk to me.” Jimin mutters and finally sits ready to eat his lunch.
“Is it cool if I sit with you?” Jungkook asks still smiling and totally ignoring Jimin's rude remarks.
“No. Are you bored? You're doing this for few weeks now. Stop already.” Jimin shuffles away from Jungkook that took a sit next to him way too close.
“Why you hate me?”
“I hate everybody.”
Jungkook hums and is silent for a while. “No, you don't.”
“Excuse me?” Jimin stops chewing his sandwich and glares at this annoying boy.
Jungkook shrugs. “I don't hate you either.”
“Like I care.”
Jungkook hums again and murmurs something under his breath that sounds suspiciously like 'you care'.
“I get it, high school is an awful place, Jimin. But I am not, I swear. We're classmates for two years already. Why can't you believe me?” Jungkook sighs, his eyes staring into Jimin's soul and the latter hates it.
“I can't and I won't. Why are you so stubborn? I know lots of people already told you to avoid me.”
“Why would I? It's not like you're infectious with some disease.”
“You're clearly dumb. Start being smart and just do what everybody else does.”
“That is?”
“Stay away from me and only laugh from afar.”
“I prefer to laugh with you though. Hey, can I walk you after school?”
“No.” Jimin says and he stands up, already finished with his food.
“Come on! I want to, please.”
“But I don't. Fuck off. I am an orphan, why would you want to go there? Weirdo.”
“Fine, call me weirdo but can I go with you-”
“No! It' enough. Don't bully me any longer.”
“What?! I am not-”
“Don't pretend. It's all for the laughs, you like to find a victim to scoff. I get it, I am a great target but-”
Jimin knows he's being mean himself now. But everyone is always saying such hurting and selfish words to him... how can he be any different?
Every harmful word left a hole in Jimin's heart so now his heart is blank and equally nasty as others.
“Why are you upset? You don't have anything so you shouldn't be mad at us.” Someone said to him one day and Jimin pretended to not hear it. He just puts on headphones and plunges into melodies but he is upset over such words.
He's broken and he has no idea how to fix himself.
Jimin is foolish.
Giving up is the least thing he wants to do but he can't help some things. Warm words from Jungkook are only going to led to Jimin's fall. They will drag him to the very bottom. Trusting him would be fatal.
But Jimin can repeat those words over and over again ('I don't care') and Jungkook still seems unfazed by them. Why he can see right through Jimin? Why is he so deceiving? Jimin must believe that Jungkook wants to destroy him. Jungkook must be faking all those things because he wants Jimin to be destroyed even more. That's the only logical explanation Jimin can see.
Supposedly pain makes us stronger. But how much longer Jimin has to cry to receive strength?
“You remind me of him.” Jimin punches plushy bunny and throws him under his bed. He can't look at him right now. Jungkook resembles him too much. And Jimin spends another night crying. And crying even more. But he still can't help it.
He's vexed over Jungkook's case. And he's sad because part of him wants to trust and take the hand Jungkook is offering.
Everything gets blurry in the end. This ache has no ending.
Jimin tried to find the meaning of life so many times. But he still has no idea why he's crying.
The thought of new tomorrow is salutary for many people. Jimin prays that one day he can be one of them.
“Stop eating with me.” Jimin sighs another day. Nothing reaches Jungkook's ears though. “People will despise you too.”
“So what? Why nothing I say is convincing enough? I won't leave you, just let me. Not every human being is selfish, mean creature.”
“Whatever keeps you asleep at nights.” Jimin turns away even more, facing Jungkook is a bad idea. He has those big eyes that look like they hold whole universe in them. “What do you have from it? From keeping annoying me?”
“I saw you crying one day and I decided that I hate to see that-”
“Well then! If it's such an ugly sight-!” Jimin throws a small tantrum but he can't continue because suddenly there are lips on his own and he's struck.
“Let me finish, god.” Jungkook pulls away and Jimin is still left in shock phase so he keeps just looking at Jungkook. “I want to make you smile, Jimin. Because it hurts me when you cry.”
“Why?” Jimin stutters, words he's hearing are scary.
“Just because. I like you, I want to know you better. And spend time with you. There is no logical reason for this. No undertones or misleading you. I don't want to ever cause you any pain, Jimin. Look at me-” Jungkook cups Jimin's face forcing him to look. “-and tell me, do you see any lies?”
“... I... don't think so.” Jimin gulps, he knew these eyes would be dooming. But then Jungkook joins their lips together again and Jimin hates to admit it but they don't taste like lies either.