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That night Magnus didn’t know if he wanted Alec to stay over. He was torn between the feeling of feeling safe in his lover’s arms but also the nightmare of being locked in that chair, Alec staring back at him with the look of hatred in his eyes. It had shocked him. The once soft pure hazels looking back at him with fear and confusion but most of all, disgust. It was affecting him more than he thought.
He knew he should let it go, he thought he was Valentine. But something deep inside him wouldn’t let him shake it. Why didn’t he believe him? Why didn’t Alec see him calling out to him, the desperation in his voice, the fear in his eyes, the plea in his words? Why couldn’t he see it was him behind the mask?
So that night when Alec slid into bed next to him he had to settle his breathing and just try to forget.
Alec watched Magnus roll over, his back to him as soon as he got into bed. The gut-wrenching guilt eating away at him. Maybe Magnus didn’t want him here? Maybe he couldn’t bear to look at him anymore? He would understand if that was the case, not knowing himself how he would feel if he was in that situation.
He had hurt Magnus, He knew he had, whether Magnus said the words or not he knew him well enough to know he was struggling and trying to pretend like none of this was affecting him. Alec could only say sorry so many times but that would never change what he did, and the lasting memories Magnus would have of him. The guilt only building as every minute ticked by.
He felt lost not knowing what way to turn, how to show Magnus he really was sorry, but he understood if he needed time.
The thought of knowing Magnus could no longer look him in eye, it hurt like no other, but his pain wasn’t important. Not when the man he loves was lying next to him hurting ten times more.
Trying to reach out to him he moved closer wanting to feel him close, but the second he tried to place his hand on him he felt his entire body flinch from his touch.
Magnus could feel Alec move closer and he knew what was coming, his own body surprising him as the smallest touch of his fingers made him jump. His own actions making him feel guilty. Alec only wanted to comfort him, but there was no comfort in his touch, at least not for tonight.
“I’m sorry.” Alec withdrew his hand, sighing feeling frustrated with himself.
Magnus could hear the hurt in his voice, making his own heart hurt worse than it was only 2 seconds ago. “It’s okay.”
“It’s not, I should have known.” The cracks in Alec’s voice showing how both of them were affected by this.
“Alec, I said it’s okay.” Alec didn’t believe him.
“I should just go, I’m sorry.” Magnus thought that was what he would have wanted too but something was making him say his next words.
“No, don’t go.” It was rushed and frantic. “Stay, please.”
Yes, it was hard having Alec next to him right now, but the thought of being left alone in this dark room with no one or anything but his thoughts. The thought alone felt terrifying.
As if sensing the panic in his voice, Alec settled back down in the sheets. “Okay,” His voice was soft, calm. Exactly what he needed. “I’ll stay.”