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Alec woke and the spot next to him where Magnus normally slept was empty, the distance between them growing unbearable. The need to stretch out and find him growing with each passing night, the need to hold him but there was nothing to hold onto, nothing but empty sheets.
It was still dark in the room, almost pitch black if it weren’t for the low light of a lamp coming from the living room. The same light that had shone through the door the night before and the night before that. He knew Magnus couldn’t sleep, that the nightmares that plagued him were something even he couldn’t handle.
And with every passing day, Alec felt hopeless to help him. Magnus didn’t want to talk to him, at least not about that but he could see it withering away at him slowly, and he was scared he would see him break one day having no idea how to put back the pieces.
Not being able to find sleep again, his mind unable to shut off he got up and headed to the kitchen trying not to disturb Magnus. On his way back, he couldn’t help but take a small glance his way and what he saw shattered his heart whole. He’d never seen Magnus this way, the always upbeat flirty and smiling Magnus, his Magnus was sitting there hunched over his gaze lost trying to cling to some form of reality but looking completely lost in a nightmare.
Before he knew what was happening his legs were moving and he found himself crouching slowly trying to reach his gaze. “Magnus,” He whispered trying not to startle him.
Still, nothing and his heart began to race, what was haunting him behind those dark eyes. Slipping between Magnus’ knees he said his name again. “Magnus,” Urgency in his voice.
Bringing his hands to his cheek he brushed his fingers along his cheekbone, and it sent shivers all through his body. It had only been two days, but two days without touching him felt like a million. His skin was just as smooth as he remembered. Tender with his touch he continued down to his chin watching Magnus blink back the nightmares and his mask go up within a flash.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes, yes, I’m fine.” He watched Magnus put on his smile trying to hide the haunting, but he could still see the way his smile never reached his eyes. Those eyes that once held such love and honesty but know were burden with something greater than them.
Magnus was startled by Alec appearing at his side. Being so lost in his thoughts, his surroundings feeling like his very own intruders.
Not wanting Alec to see him like this he did what he was best at and pretended.
“You’re not,” He was stopped cold by Alec’s words.
The truth was he wasn’t, and what scared him most was that he wasn’t sure if he ever would be again. Every spare minute finding himself staring down a steep fall, feeling that he was one knock away from falling and getting lost in the darkness threatening to surround him at the bottom.
“You can talk to me,” He didn’t want to talk, he wanted to forget.
“There’s nothing to talk about I’m fine.” He stood up sending Alec the best smile he could muster, hoping the low light of the room would hide what he couldn’t fake.
He heard Alec sigh from behind him and had to stop himself from sighing too. They both knew he wasn’t okay, the reason he was denying it, he didn’t know. It was little bits of everything, not wanting Alec to see him like this, not wanting him to know his past that still haunts him to this day, every thought, every memory, managing to crawl up his spine making him shiver at how sick they made him feel.
Not feeling ready to see the change in Alec’s eyes when he would look at him. Fearing that the beautiful sincere hazel orbs that would look at him with love would now be looking back at him with the same look he had when he was trapped, held hostage, and tortured as Valentine. The look of disgust like he was looking at a monster.
He fought with himself his whole life trying to tell himself he wasn’t one, that he was only what he made himself and he knew he wasn’t a monster. But now all that vanished. Flashbacks plaguing his mind, the word “Abomination” now being in the forefront of his mind. And if Alec thought the same, nothing would hurt more.
“Let’s go back to bed.” He said before continuing to their bedroom.
Alec followed, pleased that Magnus would hopefully get some sleep. He wanted to tell Magnus that he could tell him anything, he was here for him no matter what, but every time he would go to he felt like they just took two steps backward and Magnus would pretend he was fine when really Alec had never seen him this way and it was scaring him.
He so desperately wanted to be his anchor, his pillar of strength through this but he himself felt like he was failing and therefore failing Magnus.
Sliding in next to him he decided to try and reach out to him again terrified he would get the same reaction as he did the other night, he did. But what was different was when Alec when to take his hand away he felt Magnus pull him back and closer.
Shifting his position, Magnus turned around cuddling into Alec’s side and he felt his heart for the first time in two days beat at a steady pace. “I love you, Magnus.” He whispered nestling a small kiss on his forehead.
Magnus didn’t say it back.
He tried telling himself, as long as Magnus knew he loved him, that was what mattered. But underneath all that Alec had never felt his heart sink faster.