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Alec lay awake, the remnants of his nightmare leaving him shaken, his breath shortened, panic still etched in his lungs as they constricted against his chest. Trying to shake the thoughts from his mind, but it did nothing. No matter what, eyes open or closed all he could see was Magnus sitting in front of him as he raced back to stop Imogen. But, he was too late. The blade was already makings it’s way against his throat. The love of his life was dying, right in front of his eyes and it was all his fault.
His breath wavered as tears started to build. He felt sick. He felt like he was choking at the sight of blood dripping from Magnus’ neck, it all felt too real. When he opened his eyes, he hoped to feel some sort of relief something to show him it wasn’t real, but the room was dark only adding to his fear. He needed to see him, to feel him. He could faintly hear him breathing beside him but that wasn’t enough.
Rolling over he was faced with a dark shadow of Magnus sleeping, he looked peaceful. Watching the steady rhythm of his chest rise he felt his own heart calm. This was what he needed. He needed to see, to feel, to hear he was okay. He hadn’t realized just how much this had affected him. He was terrified to go back to sleep, afraid he would find himself back in that room. Afraid to see the look in Magnus' eyes as they locked with his as the knife met his skin. What would he see? Betrayal? Sadness? Longing? It all just hit in waves making the pain in his chest increase.
The tears silently fell from his eyes as he continued to watch him sleep. His pain was silent, he didn’t think it deserved to be heard.
All he wanted to do was pull Magnus close and feel his heartbeat beneath his skin.
Magnus didn’t know where he was, the room was dark, quiet. The only thing that could be heard was the rapid beat of his heart thumping against his chest.
Suddenly light filled the room, his eyes trying to adjust to the quick contrast. Where was he? And then it hit. Panic rose in his chest; his mouth went dry. He was back in the cell.
No, no, no, this wasn’t happening.
Something was different this time. He wasn’t Valentine anymore he was himself. Why? Confusion riddled his mind. He needed to get out. He wanted Alec. He wanted to feel safe again. He wanted the bad dreams to stop. But it was like he couldn’t escape them even when he was awake.
The door flung open and in walked Alec, it was just him, no one else. Oh, thank god he thought. But something was different about his face, about his eyes.
“Alexander, what’s going on?” He tried to steady his voice to hide the fear he felt.
Alec didn’t say anything back. It was like he didn’t see him at all. Like he didn’t know him at all.
“Alec?” He tried again, still nothing.
The room started to feel smaller, the walls, the ceiling everything was closing in on him. He needed to get out, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t move.
He tried to reach out to Alec, but nothing happened. Why wasn’t he doing anything? What was going on? Why was he ignoring him?
Alec moved, finally walking towards him, but as soon as relief came, it disappeared. The look he saw in those eyes, the hazel eyes that once held the sunshine in their gaze, was now a storm full of hatred.
His heart felt like it stopped altogether. He couldn’t bear it, the look in his eyes, it was eating away at him with everything he already thought about himself. What others thought about him and now Alec, the one person he thought would always be by his side was staring at him with the exact same look.
Alec stopped moving an inch before his face. The words that came next broke the last string holding his heart together. “Abomination.”
Magnus woke, gasping for air. Tears were streaming down his face.
“Hey, whoa, Magnus, I’m here.” It was the same voice that said that word, yet softer and full of love.
He felt Alec pull him closer and he let him. He had never felt so shaken. He found comfort in his warm arms, This was his Alec, not the one in his nightmare.
“Do you-“ Alec paused his own voice sounding fragile. “Do you want to talk about it?” His immediate thought was no. But he could only hold so much in and he needed the reassurance. He needed to feel loved.
“I-“ His voice broke as tears continued to fall. “I was back in the cell.”
The soft touch of Alec’s thumb caressing along his cheek wiping a tear from his face settled his heart one beat at a time. “You’re safe now, you’re here with me.” Little did he know it was the complete opposite in his nightmare.
“I know,” His breath shook. “You-“ he stopped himself. Did he really want to tell Alec?
“Magnus, me what?” He listened the sound of his voice and tried to focus on the soothing tone, but all he could hear was the concern. He was worried about him.
“You were there.” He paused taking a deep breath. “Only you.” His nightmare started to resurface the words, the looks all coming to the forefront of his brain. Shaking his head, he pulled away from him.
“Magnus, please, tell me.” He begged.
“You were there and you didn’t---" He could feel himself shaking. “And you hated me. I could see it in your eyes.”
“Baby I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I was me this time, and you still hated me. You looked at me like---” He couldn’t bring himself to say the word.
“I’d never hate you, you know that right?” Alec’s voice was gentle, kind, everything he thought he needed right now, but really, he had no idea what he needed.
He turned where he was, now facing Alec and he was taken by the look on his face, his eyes were glossed over like he had been crying, but they weren’t fresh tears they were old. It made him think what was going on inside his brain as well.
“Magnus?” Alec spoke again. “I don’t know what you saw or heard in your dream but all I can tell you is, hating you will never be an option for me.”
“You can’t say that, Alec,” Magnus whispered hoping he wouldn’t hear
“Why can’t I say that?”
“Because you just can’t.” He’d tell him eventually but now wasn’t the time. He just needed to shut his brain off.