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25 April, 2009

When he would look back, years from now, he would remember how dark that night felt. The orange glow of the streetlights were nothing but starbursts in Robert’s bleary eyes, and nothing else beyond his headlights would focus. He can’t remember if it was the nerves that shook his body and left the world swirling as it moved through watercolors of deep blues and greys, but he does know that even then, the night had a weight to it.

The Caravan crept slowly through the neighborhood, going a full 5mph when Robert was feeling particularly anxious, but he just couldn’t bring himself to stop. He did a circle of the block, letting the seconds tick by as he focused on the sounds of gravel popping and crackling from beneath his tires. He knew that if anyone where to look out their window, they’d be quick to dial 999 and alert the police of a stalker in their neighborhood, but it didn’t stop him making the rounds.

Even under the blanket of night, Robert knew these streets like the back of his hand. There were the same trees that knocked their pollen across his windshield and littered his floors ever spring, and the same sleepy houses that never stayed quiet for long in the waking hours of day.

To the people of this neighborhood, he was a stranger, but in the inanimate spaces between, this was home.

Well, he supposed, not anymore.

Finally, he forced himself to park the car, letting the engine idle as he shut off his headlights and adjusted his eyes to the dark. Even in the light of day, there wasn’t much to see, but Robert wanted to commit it all to memory. He traced his eyes across the pavement where he’d spent his summer nights walking until midnight with cherry slushes swirling sugar across his lips and unlit cigarettes tucked in his pocket. If he listened closely, he could hear the tick of bike spokes beating out the steady rhythm that matched his paces.

Leaving this all behind had to be worth it. It just had to be.

With a choked breath, Robert pulled his keys from the ignition, and like a vacuum, the rumble of the engine cut out and the silence of the night swallowed the van whole. His ears started to ring, so he shut his eyes until the feeling passed.

He has thirty minutes.

The day had stripped him of his sense of self, and it was all he could do to remember himself in these moments, so any sense of time fell to the wayside. He knew he couldn’t keep the van on just to track the clock, and while his cell phone sat heavy in the console between the seats, it would stay there untouched. The last thing he could handle right now was seeing a slew of missed calls.

Or, even worse. Seeing nothing at all.

So, instead, he kept time with the rise and fall of his own chest, promising himself to only check if it felt inordinately long. It wasn’t long until midnight, but it was all coming down to trust. He was waiting for an answer that would change his whole life, dramatic as it sounded, and he had to believe he wasn’t waiting in vain.

So he busied himself with nonsense. He picked at the loose string that hung from his steering wheel cover and counted as many stars as he could until he went cross-eyed. There was dust along the dashboard – a mixture of dirt and ash that he never bothered to clean through the years – but the upholstery still smelled of cedar wood, sweat, and body spray. It should have been gross, and granted, it was, but it also reminded Robert of every moment spent there and the years before that got him where he was now. Sat in a beat up 1992 Dodge Caravan with his heart pounding and every single truth in his life exposed.

Suddenly, without warning, Robert couldn’t breathe. There was that urge to run, the same one that had been following him for years now, and it was shooting a hole through a chest, spreading like shrapnel down his lungs and through his veins. It felt like the weight of the day and every single choice along the way was pressing down on his chest, suffocating him.

Twenty-one was too young to feel this way.

He moved to crank the window down, needing the outside air to flow through his lungs and break up the memories that settled through his body like lead. His wrist ached from the movement, serving as another reminder of the disaster that was the life of Robert Sugden. He hadn’t noticed the pain before, too focused on the adrenaline, but he figured he must’ve broken his fall badly, which was just fantastic. It was exactly the cherry on top the day deserved.

It wasn’t until his blunt fingernails dug into the faux leather of his steering wheel and his hands started to hurt from the pressure that Robert noticed he’d been gripping it like a vice. His leg was shaking and he must have looked a mess, but all that mattered was that he wasn’t reaching for his keys. He would wait it out. He promised.

Still, he craned his neck to check for any sign of movement outside, but he couldn’t see farther than a few houses down. He counted the seconds. 195 beats passed before the glare of oncoming headlights reflected in his wing mirror, and for a moment Robert swore the entire world tilted on its axis. As the car drove by, he realized he’d been holding his breath, and as he released it, everything felt like it rushed past him all at once.

He knew he was afraid, but before then it had felt like something distant, avoidable. He’d been high-strung and jumpy since he’d got in his van, but he hadn’t known it would be like this. This constant all-consuming fear that he wasn’t going to get away. That in seconds any hopes he had of freedom would be dashed as the silhouette of his father followed him in the peripherals of his vision.

It wasn’t him. It wasn’t him. It wasn’t-

Before the moment could fizzle out, the back door to the van opened with a bang, and Robert’s heart nearly jumped out of his chest as he bolted upright to check the commotion. He barely registered a rucksack and backpack thrown unceremoniously inside before the doors slammed shut and the passenger’s side opened.

Aaron let himself inside, his figure a shadow made of ink and relief. Robert watched him situate his legs onto the seat and pull up the hood of his jacket before staring back at Robert. Even in the low light, Robert could tell Aaron had been crying. It wasn’t something he was wont to do, save for the days when the world felt too heavy for even Robert to help him bear, but there were times when it felt like Aaron was in a constant state of it. There was a sadness in Aaron that mimicked his own.

Or maybe Robert was projecting.

Right now, after everything Robert was begging of him, he wasn’t going to ask the questions that choked him.

Is this because of them? Can you already feel the guilt eating away at you like maggots under your skin?

Are you already regretting me? Do you wish you’d never picked up the phone? Or that you hadn’t gone out for a ride that afternoon when you were 15?

Instead, he watched the way Aaron would look away when their glances met, and the softness that touched his eyes as he took in the bruise across Robert’s cheek. It was a dull red now, but by morning it would be blooming purple, with hues of indigo that would lay stark against the fair complexion of his skin. Robert saw Aaron’s jaw work as he fought to keep his words in, and Robert forced himself not to smile when Aaron’s fingers twitched as they reached out for him.

Now wasn’t the time for either of them. So, instead, Aaron did what Aaron does best. He got angry. “What’re you waitin’ for?” he bit out, staring resolutely out the window and tucking himself in tighter.

Years later, when Robert was looking back at everything that had gone wrong that day, he’d keep coming back to this moment. Because he knew, even then he knew, he should have said something. He should have pushed down the last shreds of his pride that he was desperate to cling on to and talked to Aaron like he deserved.

But that was expecting something of Robert that he wasn’t ready to give. Instead, he clenched his hands to stop them from shaking before restarting the ignition and turning on the headlights. The dashboard clock flickered into vision, and Robert nearly sighed out when he saw the time.

10:58 p.m.

Aaron had a full hour before he was asked to make his decision, and he chose Robert with time left to spare. It was enough to calm Robert’s nerves and reinvigorate his desires to leave. Now, with Aaron by his side, there was nothing he had to fear.

If he had been more poetic, he may have waxed lyrical about how the headlights weren’t just illuminating the road before them, but were also shining a light on the next chapter of their lives.

Or, something like that.

Because that was the problem, wasn’t it? He was never one to have a way with words. Not when it counted, at least.

He shook himself from the thought and focused on the road. Within minutes they had made it out of Manchester, and the lack of effort in it all felt mocking, like if they had just tried, they could have left months – years – before.

Robert knew Aaron wasn’t in any mood to talk to him, and it wasn’t like he could get his own voice to cooperate even if he wanted to, so music was the only thing he had to break the silence. Somehow, Robert didn’t think whatever Top 40s song that played on the radio was going to help things, no matter how catchy “Boom Boom Pow” was. So he bypassed the radio and turned on the only CD he could reach.

Seconds later, after the CD scanned and did whatever it was that it did in the player, the strum of an acoustic guitar mixed with Chad Kroeger’s voice flowed through the speakers. Robert barely had time to register it before Aaron snorted out a laugh. Robert chanced a look at him and caught him pressing his lips together in an effort to muffle his laugh. The sight of it made Robert huff out a laugh of his own that grew into a full blown cackle when Aaron sent him daggers.

Maybe it was the memory of the song and how much Aaron hated Robert’s taste in music, or maybe it was something more like relief, but Robert finally felt himself starting to buzz with excitement as they made their way south. Every song that played reminded him of Aaron and how relentlessly he’d been trying to get Robert to listen to something – anything – better than Nickelback and The Fray.
Eventually, Aaron unfurled himself from the ball he’d been sat in for the last two hours, and Robert could feel the tension release from his own shoulders. He let himself take it in.

The sun cast shadows over their part of the M40 and peaked behind the trees that lined the road. The splotchy clouds sat unmoving in the sky. They’d finally changed back to the radio, and Aaron’s eyes creased as he laughed at Robert’s terrible rendition of “Unwritten” that he’d learned all the words to just for moments like this.

Aaron’s hand reached for his first, and they didn’t need to talk about it. Robert just let himself enjoy the way Aaron’s thumb traced over the inside of his wrist while Robert sang obnoxiously. It was then that Robert fully understood that no matter what the days before them held, right now they were going to be okay.

They really did this. They were free.

5 March, 2005

Robert hadn’t meant to run. He knew it was a coward’s way out, that one day he’d need to learn to tough out the awkwardness, but there was an ache in his gut that told him he needed to get out of there as fast as he could, just in case someone tried to follow him. He didn’t want to be found; he didn’t want for the other boys to even notice that he’d gone. Robert wanted to disappear right out of thin air, all memory of him and his existence just gone, if only for a few hours.

Maybe then he could reappear as a new version of himself. One whose skin didn’t crawl when too many people were around him.

It wasn’t like he even had a space in his home he could escape to. His whole life since he was nine years old revolved around Andy, from his bedroom to his friend group to his parent’s and sister’s affections. His life was more Andy’s than it was his own.

But when he ran, when he got away for those few hours at a time, Robert could have himself back. He could remember that he existed outside of his brother’s shadow and realign himself.

That’s how he found himself trekking through ankle-high grass in a field that had been left to Mother Nature’s own doing, the booming sound of Andy’s idiot mates and their honking laughter miles behind him. He’d walked down a byway and cut through what was probably someone’s private land until he hit the main road nearly 40 minutes from home. Distantly, he was already dreading the walk back. It’d been cold when he left, the March air forgetting itself for a late winter than an early spring, but it was well worth it to have a few moments of peace.

They were the same kids Robert had known his whole life. Sixteen years old and chomping at the bit to be treated like the adults they thought they already were. All the guys were sons of builders, just like Andy and Robert, and their paths were set in stone just the same. They’d all grow up to be like their fathers, trading junk food and Halo for beers and talk of politics, and their kids would be shaped from the same mold.

That was their future, and while Robert was desperate to do anything he could to change it, guys like Andy embraced it like a second skin. Robert figured their friends were fine for the most part; none of Andy’s friends were outwardly violent or racist, and for their school, that was saying something. But he knew if it weren’t for Andy, none of them would even bother to try. They were breast-chasing, booze-stealing lad’s lads, and Robert didn’t even want to bother keeping up.

So it was best he distance himself now. Really, it was better this way. With more free-time away from them, Robert’s school-work had never been better, and his advisor assured him he was on-track to getting into the University of Manchester. His mum had gone there back in her day, and it had always been a shared dream between the two of them.

When he was younger, he’d thought maybe he’d be an author so that one day he could have one of his books line the shelves of her library, but he learned fairly quickly that his soul didn’t fair for the poetic. Not that it really mattered now, anyway. His mother was gone, and the library had been repurposed as an Immigration office three years ago. So, instead, Robert refocused his energies in computer programming, or what little he could do with it at his college.

His dad had finally relented and gotten them a computer for the house, but with Victoria playing those art and cooking games, and with Andy hogging it at night, it didn’t really leave Robert much of a window to do anything but check his MySpace for a few minutes. The rest of his education was self-taught from old textbooks and a Windows Server 2003 for Dummies he got at a yard sale two months ago.

For everything else, he’d just have to make do.

Robert squinted his eyes against the setting sun and scanned the road. There was hardly anything around aside from a laundromat and a co-op. Robert perched himself on the low wall between them, feet dangling over the side with his view toward the store. There wasn’t much to see, but there was at least a bit of commotion as people got their dailies.

He reached into his pocket for the cigarette he’d stashed there that morning. He had no intention of smoking it, but this way Vic couldn’t find it if she went through Robert and Andy’s room, and it gave him something to fiddle with while he sat and people watched.

There was an older balding man with an orange polo holding the door open for a woman – do all old men own pastel polos, or was it just how they were here? – and a few pigeons stooped on the overhang above the door, but nothing to call home to. A couple minutes passed without much ado, and Robert was getting restless. The wind was picking up and chilling him through his hoodie, so he figured he’d just go home.

Hopping off the wall, he dusted off his hands just as the door opened and a guy about his own age came out. He was decked out in a grey sweat suit, gold chain, and a checkered hat that sat crooked on his head, and Robert normally wouldn’t have looked twice, but the weather wasn’t getting any warmer and he needed that cigarette right about now.

“Hey!” Robert called out to him when the guy had started to wheel his bike away, and Robert had to do a pathetic half-jog to catch the guy who stared at him warily. “Ya got a light?” Robert asked, holding his cigarette out just in case he did.

The guy looked him over, whispers of mischief and something Robert didn’t have a word for exuding off him like an aura. The guy – and really, he was just a kid like Robert – gave him a puckish grin before leaning forward. “Fuck off,” he said with smirk before snatching the cigarette from Robert’s fingers and pedaling away on his bike. Robert barely could react before the kid was out of shouting distance.

He had half the mind to chase after him, but it was no use. He’d nicked it off his dad’s mate anyway, so Robert couldn’t be bothered. Still, he flipped him off with both hands and scoffed, kicking uselessly at the wall. He couldn’t even loiter properly now, and he didn’t really fancy standing there awkwardly like he’d been stood up or something, so he just turned back the way he came.

The whole walk back to his house, images of the guy’s face stuck in his mind. He hadn’t exactly got the best look at him, but he was someone new, and Robert never got new. It was the only explanation Robert had for why his chest filled with electricity every time he thought about the kid’s cocky smile and the glimmer he must have imagined in his eyes. It was too quick to tell, and Robert was just over-exaggerating things.

That must have been it.

So that’s why he didn’t know what possessed him to come back the next day. It was a long shot and he knew it, but something in him itched to go back and perch himself on the same wall to look for him. Robert knew it was ridiculous to think he’d see him again, but he was following his gut. There was a flurry of anticipation every time he saw someone heading down the road, and the disappoint he felt when it wasn’t who he wanted nearly made Robert want to give up.

But he’d come all this way, and it wasn’t even dark yet, so he waited.

And waited.

By the time people were doing their after work shop runs, the wind chill had numbed his nose and he was getting restless. Hopping down from the wall, he braced himself for the walk back home, admitting defeat when a figure pedaled their way around the corner. Robert was struck with how familiar a stranger could feel, but he couldn’t waste his time on thoughts like that.

Scrambling, Robert ducked into the co-op and pretended to scan the toiletries. If he waited outside, the guy might’ve left again, and Robert needed to-

Well, he wasn’t sure what he needed to do, but he definitely wasn’t going to let the guy just leave again.

The door opened and blew a draft into the shop before it closed behind Robert’s stranger as he made a beeline for the small magazine rack at the front. Squaring his shoulders, Robert dawdled toward the front of the shop, still pretending to care about whatever items he passed. He sidled up next to the guy at the shelf of chocolates that sat under the magazines, picking one up and pretending to read the ingredients.

“Y’know, if you’re gonna follow me, you’re gonna have ta do better than that,” the guy said, startling Robert who put back the candy sheepishly. He met the stranger’s stare. “You stalkin’ me or summat?” the guy asked him, his voice scratchy as he spoke.

“You stole my cigarette,” Robert shrugged, as if that was any sort of explanation a regular person would ever give.

The guy blinked before that familiar smirk came back, and Robert felt that same electricity from before. “Aw, how cute. You been waitin’ out here just for me?” the guy asked with a put-upon frill to his voice, and Robert couldn’t help but snort on a laugh. There wasn’t anything funny about it, but hearing it said out loud reminded Robert of how ridiculous this all was.

“How old are you?” Robert pushed on. They weren’t exactly in Robert’s own neighborhood, but there were only a few schools and colleges around, and even less people their age to fill those schools. It was possible he’d dropped out and started working like so many people around their town did.

“Perv. What kind of question’s that?” the guy asked, reeling back before stuffing the magazine he’d been looking through haphazardly into the stand.

Robert rolled his eyes. “No, what year are ya in, idiot.”

He tossed him a look. “What’d’ya mean? I’m a Uni graduate, me,” he said, puffing out his chest with a quirked eyebrow, and Robert elbowed him.

“Fine, whatever,” Robert laughed, accepting the aversion to the question for now.

“You two,” a voice called from their right. The teller – an older woman with greying hair along her temples – eyed them over. “Either buy something, or leave.”

He heard the other boy tsk and pull a face, mocking her when she turned around before flipping her off and heading out the door. Robert checked over his shoulder to see if she’d seen before following him out.

“What’s your name?” the guy asked him as he righted his bike from where it was propped up against the wall.

“Robert,” Robert provided with a nod.

“Aaron,” Aaron said. “You got anywhere to be?” he asked, seating himself on his bike and leaning forward to stare up at Robert.

Robert shrugged. Truthfully, he shouldn’t have stayed out much longer. It was an hour’s walk back home and he had classes in the morning, but that something that was distinctly Aaron made Robert want to chase the moment for as long as he could. In just five minutes he proved to be nothing like the boys Robert hung out with. He was snarky and funny in a way that felt easy, but more than that, when he looked at Robert he didn’t just see Andy Sugden’s brother.

He just saw Robert, and with the way things were, he had started to believe that that was impossible.

Aaron nodded for Robert to follow him and led them in the opposite direction of Robert’s home, walking his bike between them. Barely a few seconds passed before Aaron was lighting a cigarette and taking two short drags, passing it to Robert.

“It ain’t the same one,” Aaron said without Robert needing to ask, so Robert just accepted the fag and took a drag of his own. He wasn’t in the habit of smoking, only keeping them around because his dad never paid much mind either way, but Aaron smoked like he needed it. Robert waved him off when Aaron tried to hand it back, instead sticking his hands into the pockets of his jacket to fight off a shiver.

“It’s freezin’,” Robert noted uselessly, making conversation. He watched Aaron throw the butt out into the street and blow the smoke out away from Robert before nodding.

“It’s not so bad when you’re out in it. Like, you know it’s cold, so it’s whatever. It’s mental when it’s like this indoors,” Aaron said, shoving his hands into his own pockets and pulling at his hoodie until the material stressed.

“Yeah, like, with my job, yeah? When it is ten degrees out you’re like fuck it, whatever, right? It’s like that indoors and my balls nearly freeze over it’s so cold,” Robert agreed. It had been hell the last few weeks since the radiator bust, and Robert had done his work in his dad’s truck just to have some sort of heating.

“What’s it you do, then?” Aaron asked him.

“I’m a roofer. I work with my dad and my brother,” he answered, and it was mostly true. His dad owned half of J & S Roofing with his mate from school, Gary James. Andy was getting ready to leave school as soon as he turned 17 to start taking up the family job while Robert worked weekends in the office making sure the paperwork and billing was in order.

All of Jack’s friends were builders or technicians of some sort, and all of Andy and Robert’s friends were their kids. There were some others from school, but in their working-class town, there weren’t many other branches to consider.

Someone like Aaron was different.

They’d walked for barely ten minutes before Aaron was opening a gate to a park clearly built for toddlers. The height of the flat top slide barely hit Robert’s shoulder, and there were more safety seat swings than not, but Robert followed Aaron in anyway. The sun had fully set by now and there was no one else around, so Aaron was free to climb up onto the jungle gym while Robert was left to sit awkwardly at the bottom of the slide and lean back into it, the metal digging into his shoulders.

Robert shut his eyes and tried to relax. “Why’ve you brought me here?” he asked, not bothering to look up at Aaron for his response.

“Dunno. You can leave if ya want,” Aaron answered. His voice sounded far away, so Robert figured he was leaning back as well.

“Nah, ‘s alright,” he said. Really, he had no reason to stay, but none of his reasons to leave felt good enough. He was a teenager. He was entitled to these moments of reckless abandon, wasn’t he?

The only thing dangerous about this is my sleeping schedule, he thought to himself as the smell of smoke drifted through the air. This was Aaron’s third cigarette in as many hours, but Robert didn’t mention it. He’d known Aaron for only a short time, and it wasn’t like he had a leg to stand on when it came to nagging him about it.

So he just let the moments ease along, ignoring the pricks of static from the slide every time he moved. It had been ages since he could just be around another person, not doing anything special, just appreciating their company. It was nice.

“Year ten,” Aaron said out of the blue, and Robert blinked slowly to rouse himself from falling asleep. “You asked, earlier.”

“Yeah? Hated year ten, me. I like school just fine, but it was a bit naff, weren’t it?” Robert said and Aaron hummed in agreement.

“It’s brutal. Can’t wait to be on me own, not havin’ to worry about answerin’ to people all day long.”

Robert laughed. “Work’s worse, mate. Trust me.” Aaron kicked out at him and Robert laughed again. “God, listen to us. We sound like we’re eighty year old nans. ‘Oh, love. How’s your school going?’” Robert teased, putting on a voice, and Aaron’s unamused huff fell into an actual laugh.

“Idiot,” Aaron said, tapping the heel of his shoe against the top of Robert’s head, not hard enough to hurt, but enough for Robert to slap at his leg where he could reach it.

“Shut up,” Robert threw back without any heat. The chilled wind blew across them making Robert shiver. “Well if you’re not a Uni student, I’m not actually a roofer,” he said as he sat up.

“Yeah, I know,” Aaron snorted.

“What’d’ya mean you know?” Robert asked, mildly affronted.

“Mate, you’re probably the worst liar I’ve ever met, and I barely know you.” Robert must’ve had a look about him because Aaron pointed at his face. “You frown and your eyebrows go all,” Aaron paused and furrowed his own eyebrows, mimicking Robert, “and your voice got all over-confident. ‘s like you were tryin’ to prove somethin’. Shouldn’t ‘a had to.”

Aaron had said it like it was fact, and Robert could feel his features fall as he took it in.

Because, the thing was, his mum used to say the same thing.

Not in the same words, of course, but she used to say that if anyone took even a second to really listen to Robert, he could be read as easily as one of her books. And it wasn’t that Aaron reminded him anything of his mother, but he just hadn’t expected anyone else to ever see him like that.

Sarah had known him immediately. She’d truly and properly knew Robert since he was a boy, and for a long time – longer than any child should – he thought she’d be the only one. When he lost her, she wasn’t the only ghost left lurking the halls of their home. But then there was Aaron, with his matching track suit and acne spots, telling Robert that he saw him in that same way in less than one conversation.

It was too much.

“Heh, yeah,” Robert said, laughing awkwardly as he stood up from the slide. “Hey, uh, I gotta go. My house is ages away, so,” he trailed off, nodding his head toward the street.

Aaron blinked at him like he was about to say something, but then frowned. “Yeah, whatever,” Aaron said, shaking his head and laying back down, effectively ending the conversation. He’d sounded almost angry and it made Robert pause. When Robert made no move to leave, Aaron jumped down from the slide and walked away, barely sparing Robert another glance.

He felt colder without Aaron there, but he wasn’t about to chase after him. For what? Aaron didn’t owe him an explanation any more than Robert did.

All he could do was go home, resigned to never seeing him again.

18 June, 2005

If anyone had asked, Robert wouldn’t have been able to explain why he kept thinking of Aaron after that day. At first, he thought it was because of what Aaron had said and how it dug up memories of his mum, but then why did he think of Aaron in the most random of moments, too? It was always stupid things, like the time he saw a bloke biking down the road and thought about Aaron standing up as he pedaled.

There was another time when he was on his lunch break at work, and there were a few of the guys taking a smoke break out back. As the smoke swirled along the breeze, Robert would wonder how Aaron got all those cigarettes in the first place. Maybe he nicked them off his dad’s friends, too.

The memory of his face started to fade, but there was still something about Aaron that settled in Robert’s bones. At night, as Andy laid snoring in his own bed across the room, Robert would lay awake trying to recall Aaron’s laugh. Robert thought his own laugh was annoying; he had a bad habit of letting his laughter burst from him in a loud “ha!” that embarrassed him time and again. But Aaron’s was gentle, reserved. He laughed like someone who didn’t have many chances to, and Robert couldn’t get the sound of it out of his head.

He tried going back to the shop and the park every chance he got, this time with the forethought to bring his own bike along, but after a month of waiting for hours, he accepted defeat. He hadn’t even asked Aaron’s surname, and aside from the vague answers about work and school, Robert realized he didn’t know anything about Aaron.

So, in an effort to keep whatever dignity he had left, he moved on.

Robert’s life was painfully unremarkable. His 17th birthday came and went, but at least it brought on a 30p raise at work. He finished the school year without too much stress, but that was overshadowed by Andy officially quitting for good and joining J & S full-time, every bit their father’s protégé. Robert still had a year of school left at his college and a handful ahead of him at the University of Manchester, so summer holidays couldn’t come any faster.

It meant that his dad and Andy would be gone during the days, leaving him and Victoria to fend for themselves. Vic was at the age where she wanted nothing to do with Robert, and that was fine by him. They spent their time tucked away in their rooms, and Robert couldn’t ask for anything better.

The downside of it all was that Robert was practically stranded at home without Andy’s company truck. He technically could have taken a bus if he had anywhere to be, but without any friends of his own, he was at the mercy of Andy’s schedule. Robert had been saving for a car of his own, and a mate of his dad’s had promised him an old Caravan once he could afford it, but he was years off from getting it, even at mate’s rates.

Most days they’d end up at one of the guys’ houses or watching whatever new movie was out in theaters just to have something to do. And it was fine if not painfully boring. It wasn’t like the guys were dicks – well, they were, but that was down to them being teenage boys, no matter how much they wanted to play adult – but it was obvious how Robert didn’t belong.

Despite being the exact same age as Andy, Robert was still a student. The rest of the guys were men, calling each other by their last names and speaking like their fathers, as if they weren’t still teenagers themselves. Andy was just “Sugden” now, and Robert would bite down until he could taste copper and ash fill his mouth at the constant reminder that Robert didn’t even have ownership of his own last name.

Just another thing that belonged to Andy.

He thought about that as he leaned across the railing of the balcony that overlooked the bottom floor of the mall Andy had dragged him to. They were there to kill hours as they chased away the heat of early June, but Robert was apathetic. Every shop Andy and his mates went into felt overcrowded, and Robert didn’t feel much like being “Andy’s brother” today.

So instead he stared mindlessly at the people walking by on the floor below, wondering if they felt as trapped in a dead-end lives as well. Maybe everyone else felt as hopelessly mediocre as Robert did.

Probably not, but Robert could dream.

He stood there, watching and creating little backstories for anyone that passed by until something – or someone – slapped him across the head. He whirled around, ready to smack Andy back, but stopped short when he saw Aaron standing there, leaning aloofly against the railing and whistling as if nothing had just happened.

It had been ages since he’d seen him, but Robert knew him instantly. He had the same acne marks that dotted his forehead and cheeks, and the same gelled hair that made him look his age. There was a difference, though, and it wasn’t just in the razor burn that marked him below his chin. It was like Aaron had a newfound presence about him that made Robert see him and only him. It wasn’t just Robert that felt that way, right? It had to have been something different in Aaron.

Aaron caught him staring and exaggerated a grimace. “Gotta watch out. Hear there’s something’ goin’ ‘round smackin’ people,” he said earnestly. When Robert reached out to smack him back, Aaron laughed and pushed his arm away, and Robert let it fall. “Mate, I weren’t even sure it was you. I was getting’ ready to leg it if it weren’t.”

Robert snorted and rubbed the back of his head. “Yeah, it’s me,” he said before flinching at his own awkwardness. “Err, you alright?” he asked instead.

“Fine, yeah,” Aaron answered, shoving his hands in his pockets as he shifted his weight. Too many seconds passed before either of them said anything, and Robert wanted nothing more than for the ground to swallow him whole before he kept looking like an idiot in front of Aaron. Because while Aaron was so effortlessly cool, Robert was uncomfortable and gawky. Every time he tried to speak, his words got tied up in knots before he could ever say them, so he just stared uselessly at Aaron.

“You busy?” Aaron finally said, breaking the silence, and Robert laughed uncomfortably.

“Nah, go on then,” he managed to say, and Aaron smirked and slapped Robert’s shoulder lightly to say “come on” before leading him toward the food court. Once again, Robert found himself following Aaron wherever he led. It hadn’t crossed his mind to tell Andy he was leaving until they were already too far away, but he couldn’t imagine he’d really notice, let alone care.

They stood next to each other in the line at KFC, and Robert pretended to read the menu even though he knew he would get the same thing as always. But it was a distraction that gave him time to think of things to talk about that wouldn’t eventually lead to whatever anime Robert was watching or something equally as embarrassing. Aaron probably liked sports and cars, and he probably had never heard of Japanese cartoons outside of Pokémon in his life.

Robert just had to be cool. Just a normal everyday lad. Nothing weird or nerdy about him. Just completely and utterly average.

Once they sat down, Aaron reached over and stole a chip off him, so Robert slapped his hand and stole one of his own. Aaron smiled cheekily as he chewed, and Robert felt lightheaded as he pushed away whatever weird feelings that smile was giving him.

“Wanna see somethin’ cool?” Aaron asked, picking up his backpack off the floor and pulling out a stack of CDs. He pushed them across the table for Robert to see them.

“D’you buy all these? Christ, I didn’t know you were makin’ a mint,” Robert said as he sifted through each of the CD cases. They were all unwrapped but still looked new. He opened up one of them to check out the art on the booklet.

“Never said I paid for ‘em,” Aaron shrugged, and when Robert stared up at him in shock, Aaron pulled one of the cases from him and waved it. “D’you know how much they’re makin’ off these when music should be free? It’s mental,” he said, tossing the CD onto the table, “they’re the criminals, not me.”

“Can I borrow this one?” Robert said, already forgetting the shoplifting confession. He really didn’t care either way. He’d been more shocked that Aaron had managed to nick nearly 20 discs out of the shop with no one stopping him. He was a hero, really.

“You a Green Day fan then?” Aaron asked, stealing another chip off Robert.

“I’ve only heard the one song. Don’t usually listen to stuff like this,” he admitted as he dumped the discs back into Aaron’s backpack.

“Go on then, what do you listen to?” Aaron asked. There was something teasing behind his words, like he already knew Robert listened to video game soundtracks and pop music from the 70s, 80s, and more.

“No way. That’s, like, third level friendship there, mate. Can’t be sayin’ that stuff off the jump.”

“Man, please don’t tell me it’s like Nickelback or summat. Please. I’ve shared a meal with you, I can’t be knowin’ that.”

“Who?” Robert asked, and Aaron thumped his head on the table before looking up at him with narrowed eyes.

“Right, here,” Aaron said. He dug through his bag before pulling out the Green Day CD and another by some band called The Stone Roses. “Just, start there and we’ll make somethin’ decent out of ya.”

“Is this, like, a Rolling Stones/Guns and Roses crossover or something?” Robert asked, and Aaron groaned and scrubbed at his face with both hands, muttering something like, “It’s Guns n’ Roses” that Robert didn’t really catch. Robert threw his last chip at Aaron’s face anyway, taking the CDs and stuffing them into the front pocket of his hoodie.

They walked around for a while, aimlessly wandering through department stores full of clothing and furniture they couldn’t even pretend to afford. Talking came easier the longer he spent with Aaron, and just like before, Robert was struck with how easily it felt like Aaron fit in his life. Aaron could make him laugh without even trying, and it felt like he was really listening when Robert had accidentally let slip about his television habits. He’d promised himself he wouldn’t go into full “fan-mode,” but when Aaron hadn’t seemed phased by it, it was all Robert could do not to stumble over his words as he excitedly explained the current plot of Bleach.

It wasn’t all completely one-sided, though. It turned out that Aaron really did like cars, and he knew practically everything about them. They were sitting on a bench outside a joint oxygen bar/massage chair lounge while Aaron tried to explain hybrid cars to Robert before he trailed off, distracted by something over Robert’s shoulder. He nodded for Robert to look.

“That your brother?” Aaron asked him and Robert groaned. Andy was stood at the base of an escalator, looking around with his phone glued to his ear. Seconds later Robert’s pocket chimed with a call.

“What?” he answered in lieu of a hello.

“Where the hell did you go?” Andy nagged, and Robert rolled his eyes exaggeratedly at Aaron who laughed.

“I’ll be there in a second,” he said, ending the call even though Andy was still talking. He watched Andy stuff his phone in his pocket and look around again before giving up and going back into a shop.

“You gotta go?” Aaron asked, his laugh fading into a smile. Robert felt a physical need to not leave Aaron’s side, but he also knew Andy would definitely leave him if Robert made him wait.

“Yeah,” Robert sighed. “Err, are you on MySpace?” he asked, desperate to have something of Aaron to hold on to when he left.

“Ain’t got a computer,” Aaron shrugged, looking away. “Ain’t got a phone neither, before you ask.” Robert frowned when Aaron wouldn’t make eye contact with him, and there was a second before he realized that Aaron was probably embarrassed. Robert’s family wasn’t wealthy by any means, but they got along well enough. Aaron probably wasn’t as fortunate.

“’s alright. My phone’s prepaid anyway. Meant for, like, emergencies,” Robert said, and he thought he saw Aaron sigh out before turning back to him. Robert thought for a second, not wanting to give up. “You doin’ anythin’ this week?”

Aaron chewed on his lip and shrugged. “Sort of. Got my little sister to watch Monday, Wednesday, Friday, but I got nothin’ on Tuesday or Thursday. Why?”

“Dunno, figured we could do something if you were up for it.”

“Yeah, for sure,” Aaron nodded eagerly, and Robert smiled at the sight of it. He felt giddy and electric at the thought of seeing Aaron again, and he was glad Aaron felt the same. “I’ll meet you down at the shop again on Tuesday if you like? It’s a bit borin’, but it’s all I can think of.”

“No, that’s great. Tuesday, then. Like 11, or?”

“11, yeah.”

Robert smiled and ignored the urge to reach out to Aaron and-

What? Reach out and do what?

He didn’t have an answer. Instead, Robert stood and stuffed his hands in his hoodie pocket. “I’ll bring these back,” he said, motioning to the CDs before turning away toward Andy. He might’ve looked back to see if Aaron was watching, and he might’ve felt like a livewire when he saw that Aaron was, but that was neither here nor there.

Life after finding Aaron again was nothing short of incredible. That first Tuesday, Aaron had showed up first and they’d biked down to the park – a proper one this time, not just one meant for little kids – and each sucked down a Slurpee until one of them got a brain freeze. They went on like that for a few weeks before Robert admitted how far he actually lived from Aaron. After that, they met up at the railroad tracks that cut almost exactly half way between their houses.

It was like that every Tuesday and Thursday all the way into July. Some days they hung out in the edges of the field Robert biked through, chugging liters of soda they shared between them, leaving their stomachs bubbly and sick from the sugar. Other days they’d loiter around shops or whatever pop-up markets they could find. Within weeks they’d exhausted pretty much everything they could do without spending much money, and Robert savored every second of it.

He wanted to remember that summer for the rest of his life.

Being around Aaron was Robert’s favorite thing in the world. He’d never say it aloud, but something in him knew Aaron wouldn’t mock him for it. Sometimes he even felt like Aaron was his favorite person in the world, save for maybe Victoria.

By late July, they’d given up trying to find anything else worth their time, so Robert just started coming over to Aaron’s. He had a modest home with three small bedrooms and old furniture that looked like it belonged to the previous owners, but there was a TV and air conditioning, and best of all it was quiet.

His own house wasn’t exactly lively, but his father’s voice would boom, and his father’s mates were the second loudest thing in the world, directly after Andy’s. Then other times Victoria had her friends over, and it always felt like everything was always moving.

But Aaron’s house never felt that way. Sure, his little sister Olivia – Liv – was gobby for a five year old, with more questions than Robert knew what to do with, but she was also more than content to sit around with her brother and Robert and watch dumb comedy movies she couldn’t fully understand.

Then there was Sandra. Aaron told him she was his step-mum, and Robert knew instinctively not to ask further than that. And that was fine. Aaron didn’t know the extent of Robert’s family dynamics, and Aaron seemed to genuinely like Sandra, so it was good enough for Robert. She was kind and quiet, and never bothered them unless it was to call them for dinner, which more often than not, Robert stayed around for.

She would thank him for helping Aaron take care of Liv while she worked, and Robert didn’t know how to tell her that he didn’t need thanking. In only a few months, the Flaherty’s felt more like a home than his own. It was somewhere he could exist as Robert without anything guessed or preconceived about him. He was becoming someone in that house – someone he actually liked being – and it made every second in his real home feel like he was wearing a mask. He spent his days playing the Robert his family thought he was, then going home to Aaron and being the man he never knew he could be.

And, god. Aaron.

Robert couldn’t believe that this was what having a best friend felt like. The last best friend he’d had was Andy, and Robert didn’t exactly love the way that turned out, but he couldn’t imagine ever not liking Aaron. He was the best person Robert knew.

Aaron was hilarious without trying to be, and the way he would laugh when one of Robert’s jokes wouldn’t land made Robert never want to stop making Aaron smile, no matter what he had to do. He’d embarrassed himself over and over again just to get Aaron to shake his head and call him an idiot without the slightest bit of heat to the words. Every moment made Robert feel like maybe – if Robert could ever be so lucky – he was Aaron’s favorite person, too.

So, naturally, Robert would find a way to ruin it.

Autumn term was starting soon for the both of them, and they figured, with it being Aaron’s last year doing his GCSEs and Robert doing his A-levels, they’d make a day of it that Sunday before classes started up. Sandra was home Sundays, so Aaron didn’t have to worry about Liv, and Robert was barely home enough nowadays for anyone to think twice about him being gone.

He nicked a couple tins off his dad then biked out to where the train track met the river and dumped all his things on the ground. Robert would miss the warm weather once it was gone, so he propped himself against the tree to wait for Aaron and let the sun warm his skin. In a few months he’d be pale as, so he rolled up his sleeves and did what he could to stave it off.

Robert had work that day, so it was already late afternoon, and Robert could’ve fallen asleep to the dull sounds of the water and the distant cars along the highway. He’d felt like he was living in a postcard; the moment was idyllic, as if a banner could wave across him, exclaiming, “Wish you were here!”

Speaking of, Robert thought to himself, sitting up straight when he saw Aaron wheeling his bike through the grass only to drop it unceremoniously next to Robert’s.

“Took you long enough. Thought I was gonna have to neck these myself like some sort of sad day-drinker,” Robert said as Aaron unzipped his hoodie he insisted on wearing even in the hot summer months and laid down in the direct sunlight a few feet away from Robert.

“It was Sandra. I told her I weren’t gonna be able to watch Liv but she wouldn’t get outta bed. She started takin’ these, like, sleeping pills, but she ain’t supposed to until before bed. Dunno what she’s doin’,” Aaron complained. Robert was trying to pay attention, but he was too busy pulling up the grass around him and trying to throw them at Aaron without having to move.

Giving up, he ripped up a handful and got on his knees and sprinkled the grass over Aaron’s face. Aaron sputtered and sat up, throwing his hoodie at Robert in retaliation. The zipper of it hit his knuckle and Aaron just laughed at him. “You deserved that. Dick,” Aaron muttered, sweeping the grass off himself.

He’d noticed a while ago that Aaron didn’t smoke as much as he did that first night. There were still days when he did, but it was usually when they drank. Robert didn’t want to mention it just in case Aaron somehow forgot that he was a smoker, but he did feel a little proud of him. Robert would never nag him for it, but it was a lot.

Not that drinking was any better, but whatever. Robert cracked open a beer and handed it to Aaron before opening another for himself. He took a long sip and stared out at the sunset. “I’m already ready for this year to be over,” Robert said before groaning. “Ugh, do you know how much maths I’ve got this year? What the hell was I thinking?”

Aaron raised a brow at him. “Thought you were doin’ computers or summat?” he asked, sitting up fully to lean against Robert’s tree.

“My counselor says if I want to get into Uni for it, I’ve got to take all these maths courses with it.”

“Mad,” Aaron said, shaking his head in solidarity.

Robert bit his tongue and weighed out the words before saying, “Plus, I’ll hardly be able to see you once school starts.”

Robert’s face felt like it was tingling with his nerves. Saying it out loud like that felt softer than he’d meant it to, like he was admitting to something Aaron didn’t need to know. Robert took another long sip and tilted his head out to the river to distract himself from Aaron’s silence.

“I think I’m gonna try and get a job once I’m sixteen,” Aaron said after a few beats. It wasn’t what Robert expected, but truthfully this was better.

“Yeah? Doin’ what? You ain’t got the face for customer service,” Robert teased, pinching Aaron’s cheek before his hand was slapped away.

“Fuck off. Ladies will be linin’ down the block for whatever I’m sellin’.”

Aaron puffed out his chest and waggled his eyebrows, and Robert scoffed loudly to hide his shallow breathing.

Because Robert wasn’t stupid. Aaron was his best friend, Robert knew that for sure, but that wasn’t what made his heart thud in his chest every time Aaron winked at him when they teased Liv. And it wasn’t his friendship that Robert thought about into the night, skin prickling with goosebumps as his hands traced circles into his own skin, imagining it was Aaron’s.

But there was nothing on this earth that would make him act on those feelings. They were dirty and weird, and Robert knew better.

So he ignored the pain in favor of laughing along.

“I’m serious, though. Everyone else is dead boring,” Robert complained. “If you get a job, who else am I gonna watch the same bad movie with every day for a week?”

Aaron turned and glared at him. “Kill Bill is a classic,” he deadpanned, and Robert wasn’t sure if it was a joke or not, but he put his hands up in surrender anyway.

Robert watched as Aaron got that look in his eye before he squinted and smiled. “You gonna miss me?” Aaron teased, punching softly but repeatedly at Robert’s arm and stomach. “What a sap!” he said as he kept punching, and Robert laughed as he tried to swat Aaron’s hands away, ultimately giving up and just grabbing them.

Aaron tried to use his shoulder to check him, but Robert held on tight, smiling as Aaron frowned. They were too close now. Robert could feel the sun-kissed warmth of Aaron’s skin and caught a shadow of his reflection in the blue of his eyes. He dropped his hold on Aaron quickly, needing to look away before he did something stupid.

Grabbing another beer, he sat back and drank, watching the shadows from the trees grow longer as the sun dipped lower in the horizon. From where they sat they could see the outlines of the cars along the highway piling up in the after work traffic. There wasn’t too much fuss since it was a Sunday, but still, Robert liked to think about how each of the cars carried a person with an entire life that Robert would never know about.

Thoughts like that usually made him feel small, but with the grass cooling around him and the sounds of aluminum crunching in Aaron’s hand, Robert didn’t care much to know about other people’s lives. His right now was the best there was.

“Not for nothing, but, I’ll miss you, too,” Aaron said as he sat up again and faced Robert. He crossed his legs in front of him and propped his elbow on his knee with his cheek leaned against his fist. “I mean, it’s not like you’re dyin’, but you might as well be. You’ll be off to Uni this time next year, then what am I meant to do?”

“Robert grinned lazily, his body finally unwinding from the tension he’d kept in his shoulders. “Follow me, duh,” he teased, and he hadn’t realized when he said it, but he’d meant it one hundred percent. University was his dream, and factoring Aaron into that dream had felt natural. Maybe not having Aaron actually there with him. Even Robert knew that was a little forward. But Robert wasn’t giving Aaron up that easily.

Aaron snorted. “Don’t think I’d look that good in purple and gold, mate.”

“You do know that people don’t just go around wearing the school colors 24/7, right?” Robert asked.

Aaron grabbed his hoodie and put it back on, zipping it up as high as it would go before zipping it back down, back and forth. “Nah, I’m like one hundred percent sure it’s a rule,” Aaron said, but before Robert could decipher if it was another jab or not, Aaron continued, “Besides, I wouldn’t fit in your luggage, so unless you’re buyin’ me a house, I dunno if this can work.”

“Then I’ll buy you a house. Mind you, I’d probably need to live there, too. I’m not livin’ in some dorm like they do in the movies,” Robert decided. There was a look in Aaron’s eyes that Robert couldn’t decipher, and part of him felt cheated that there were still parts of Aaron that Robert didn’t know, but he pushed the feeling down.

“Plus, it’s barely like two hours away, if that. I’ll just take me bike down there. You’re not gettin’ rid of me that easy.” Aaron winked, his words echoing Robert’s thoughts.

Robert only had a moment to think I’m not that lucky before Aaron was grabbing his head and pulling him in. Robert knew instinctively that it was meant to be a teasing kiss – a loud smooch across his cheek and nothing more – but Robert still turned his head without thinking it through. Aaron’s lips landed square on the side of Robert’s mouth, and they both froze.

His eyes were wide open and they stared into Aaron’s who pulled back, startled. They were still so close, and Robert wasn’t sure if he was even breathing, but his head tilted up of its own accord, just the slightest bit, and Aaron was moving, too.

This time, their lips pressed together with a pressure that fluttered Robert’s eyes shut and made him nearly sigh into it. The kiss was uneven and Robert was hyperaware of his nose and Aaron’s breathing, but like alchemy, it turned Robert’s veins into shimmering gold. Four seconds passed – not that Robert was counting – before Aaron pulled away, sitting back on his haunches. He wore a stunned look that was painted across his features, and Robert swore he didn’t breathe until Aaron turned away from him.

Pulling his knees up to his chest, Robert gathered his thoughts.

In the moment, all he could think about was his own lips. They were starting to chap with the way his breathing picked up, and he was scared to dart his tongue out to wet them. Licking his lips suddenly meant something, and he didn’t know if he was prepared for that.

He grabbed for his beer, but the can was empty. He tilted it back regardless, distracting himself with catching the last few drops, finally letting himself wet his lips. He told himself it was because of the drink and not because he could still feel the phantom pressure of Aaron’s against him.

Robert stared unseeingly, running through the moment over and over in his head. I must’ve given him some sign, he thought as he ran everything back. Maybe Aaron had known what Robert was hiding, and he was just being a good friend and letting Robert experiment. But that didn’t explain why Aaron had looked shaken to his core when his eyes had searched Robert’s for an explanation Robert couldn’t give.

Maybe he’d known exactly what Robert had been too proud – too scared – to admit out loud. Had it been pity for a man who held something unspeakable in his heart?

Or, was Aaron there with him? Not just in that field that grew colder by the second, but was he also trapped in the same purgatory between what his head knew and what his heart longed for, just like Robert? Did liquid gold adrenaline pour through Aaron’s body like it did with Robert when he so much as blinked sleepily up at him as they lounged on the couch?

Did his heart ache for Robert the way Robert’s did for him?

He opened his mouth to speak, but shut it just as quickly. Everything he thought to say felt wrong. He thought maybe he should apologize; if he backpedaled now, maybe they could forget the whole thing even happened. But Robert wasn’t sorry, and he didn’t want to pretend like he was.

Mostly he wanted to ask Aaron if he was okay. The longer they sat there stewing in silence, the more Robert let himself accept that Aaron had kissed him back. Four seconds was a hell of long time for the earth to stop, and nothing about the way Aaron had pressed his lips just a little bit harder before they parted had felt faked.

But Robert knew Aaron. He knew that he’d turn this in on himself, pushing and pulling at it until it turned into something mangled and ugly, and Robert couldn’t let him do that. Robert was scared to death, but he would never let this become something he or Aaron could ever hate.

Robert thought maybe he should thank him instead, but that felt reductive. There were hundreds of things Robert could thank Aaron for before ever skimming the surface of what he meant to Robert, and the kiss was just one. Thank you for being born. Thank you for choosing me first. Thank you for that time you wore skinny jeans and I thought I saw God. He could go on like that for hours if no one stopped him.

Robert bit back a smile, finally taking it all in.

Aaron kissed him.

Aaron kissed him.

This boy that came into Robert’s life and showed him what it meant to be alive had looked at Robert and saw something there worth taking a risk for. He didn’t know what it meant – he’d need a lot more than the pink daze of a summer sunset and a couple crushed tins of beer before he’d be able to suss it all out – but he knew what he was feeling now.

He chanced a look at Aaron, but all he could see was the tense line of his shoulders. No indication of anything else Aaron was thinking. Robert schooled his own features and wiped his palms on his jeans. Now wasn’t the time to smile like a fool when Aaron was so clearly bothered by it all.

As the sounds of the world around them grew quiet and still, Robert decided to make this as easy as possible for Aaron. This wasn’t the time to talk about it. With an exaggerated sigh, Robert shut his eyes. “I could fall asleep here,” he said, grateful that his voice didn’t crack.

He heard Aaron shift, the first noise out of him in what felt like an age. Robert could feel Aaron’s eyes on him and knew he was staring, so he kept his eyes shut. He’d give Aaron this moment.

“Next time we do this, one of us has got to bring food. I’m starving,” Robert said, moving the subject as far away from reality as he could.

Aaron cleared his throat. “That’s on you, mate. You’re the weird picky eater.”

Robert peeked his eye open before looking at Aaron fully. “Yeah, right. All you eat are burgers and chips.”

“All you eat are sweets,” Aaron countered. “You’re honestly worse than Liv sometimes.”

“Whatever,” Robert dismissed, standing up and brushing off the dirt and loose grass. “C’mon the, I’m starvin’.” He reached out his hand to help Aaron up, and for a split second, he thought maybe Aaron wouldn’t want to touch him. Not from disgust – maybe, hopefully – but because it was too soon. But Aaron accepted the help and let Robert pull him up, and Robert really needed to give him more credit.

They picked up their bikes and wheeled them out of the grassy area, throwing their empty cans into their pockets to deal with later. They hadn’t had enough to drink to make them tipsy, but Robert did feel the blood rush to his head and figured it was better if they just walked to the shops.

“Hey, d’ya think if I pick up something for Liv and Sandra that Sandra will drive me home?” Robert asked as they walked.

“Not a chance.”

Robert elbowed the air in Aaron’s direction. “Shove off, she loves me.”

They weren’t ready to talk about it. Robert didn’t want to pretend it never happened, but they needed time to work it out. So he smiled and they joked as the sky turned from pink to purple, and Robert knew he still had his best friend, no matter what.

3 September, 2005

They never talk about it.

16 September, 2005

Robert lived for Fridays. His classes ended by noon and he was free to go straight to Aaron’s afterward. Things felt like they were rushing past him a mile a minute, but when he was with Aaron, nothing else mattered. Just them, a disgusting amount of popcorn, and whatever movie they could get at Blockbuster.

Uni applications started, and the kids that had stayed in school like Robert were buzzing with their plans for after college. His dad hadn’t mentioned anything about what Robert would do when he left, and whenever he tried to bring it up, Andy would start up about something that happened at work.

But that was fine. There was still time.

26 April, 2009

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine…

Just ‘cause you’re raising the bet and call the shots now on me…

Sorry like the angel heaven let me think was you…

Aaron flicked through the radio stations, aggressively skipping over every pop song he cycled through. All of the CDs Aaron brought were in the back with the bags, and he, quote, ‘Wouldn’t be caught dead listening to Robert’s naff stuff.’ They’d both listened to the CD Aaron made for him way too many times, but after Aaron’s groaning and moaning about the songs on the radio, Robert was nearly ready to slap his hand away.

Instead, he focused on the road and ducked his head to look at the buildings as he drove down the street, looking for the entrance to the car park. He’d found one that was fairly cheap and not too far off from the beach since both of them were okay to walk the distance. For once, Robert was glad both he and Aaron were raised paycheck to paycheck; they knew how to stretch a dollar.

Once they were able to get out of the car, Robert’s legs were wobbly from the hours of driving. He let Aaron check that their doors were locked and that they had their keys and wallets before he led them out to the main road.

Aaron passed him a pair of sunglasses that matched his own – ones he bought at a petrol stop two summers ago – and rolled up his sleeves. Robert could tell Aaron was excited by how quickly he was walking to the beach. The last time Aaron had been to one was when his mum had still been around, and Robert fed off the excitement, starting at a run past Aaron, laughing when Aaron sputtered before chasing after him.

Robert was forced to stop short at a crosswalk, but from where they stood they could see the water and rocks, and everything else Brighton Pier had to offer them. They’d missed the sunrise by about an hour, and there were already people milling about. There was a group of older ladies power walking together, and solo joggers passing by people in uniforms heading to their respective jobs on the pier.

As soon as the light allowed, Aaron was crossing the street and making his way down to the rocky beach without waiting for Robert to catch up. It was cold out, and Robert hunched in on himself while he walked, but it didn’t stop the smile that grew on his face. He watched Aaron throw out his arms and tip his head back as he stood at the shoreline. Robert wished he could have wrapped his arms around Aaron so they could take it all in together, but even without too many people about, it was way too public for that.

So Robert sidled up next to him and looked out at the water, loving how big and impossible the world could feel when for all his life he had only known brick and dirt. He breathed in deeply, the cold biting at his nose as the sights and smells and sounds created a cacophony of stimuli around him. He turned to look at Aaron and couldn’t resist bumping his shoulder against his and raising his eyebrows as if to say, Well?

Aaron kicked at a couple of rocks and looked up and down the beach before grabbing Robert’s forearm and shaking him, giddy. “This is amazin’,” Aaron sighed out in awe, looking back to the water before looking at Robert. For four years, Robert had known that face; he knew that look in Aaron’s eye better than anything else.

Aaron was falling in love. With the water, with the air, and with the possibility of it all. Robert had known this without a doubt. The softness and excitement that paired with an endless fascination was something that Robert had seen every morning they woke up together, after every exaggerated eye-roll when Robert told a bad joke, whenever Robert would get the nerve to think of them in the long term, and whenever they’d fall asleep wrapped up in each other as their hearts beat fast. It made Robert the luckiest man in the world, and he knew in an instant that he would spend the rest of his life showing Aaron the world if it meant he could watch Aaron fall in love over and over again.

He couldn’t help himself. He pulled Aaron in and kissed him hard, losing himself in the way Aaron’s arms instinctively went around his shoulders to pull him in. They parted quick, and both tried to play it cool, but Robert couldn’t wipe the grin off his face.

Robert put his hand over Aaron’s and let his thumb rub over Aaron’s knuckles for a moment before they both stepped away. Robert looked over his shoulder for any onlookers while Aaron walked toward the water, feeling it with his fingers.

“It’s freezin’,” Aaron grimaced and Robert huffed a laugh.

“’Course it is. It’s April, innit?” Robert said and screamed when Aaron splashed the water at him, the cold water clinging to his clothes and chilling him. “Stop!” Robert laughed, running up the rocky beach to get away from him.

Aaron put his hands up in surrender and walked over to meet his boyfriend. “It’s still early yet. Wanna walk around a bit?” he suggested.

They both look up at the pier and Aaron scrunches his nose and Robert does the same, both silently agreeing to skip it and keeping walking on. They make it to a stairwell that leads them up to a main road where there’s a flurry of cars and people, sights and sounds. Robert looks back down at the beach and across the way to the water, admiring the contrast of it all, before he feels Aaron pull at his sleeve when it’s their turn to walk.

They walk for what feels like hours, passing more independently owned shops and eateries than Robert has ever seen. There were some big brand companies here and there, but there was a distinct feeling in the air that these streets were meant for the people who lived there. It was clear in the goods and sundries displayed in the windows and the street art around every corner. Aaron was loving it, Robert could tell immediately. It wasn’t their typical scene – the both of them preferred the stillness found in between the chaos – but it was different, and Robert was finally feeling like the leash he had felt tightening across his neck was finally freeing him.

It was hard, though. Robert wasn’t going to pretend that it wasn’t. With every gastro pub and coffee shop they passed, the sinking realization that together they had about £800 to their name wasn’t lost on him. They’d make do on cheap food in the meantime, but Robert was going to make sure Aaron was taken care of, no matter what.

Still, it wasn’t going to stop Robert window shopping. It hadn’t always been this way, but lately Robert found himself actually caring about brand names and the way certain clothes told whatever story the person wearing them wanted others to know. It was a language that Robert wanted to learn. He wanted to learn to spin a tale of wealthy backgrounds and higher education in the pressed seam of a pant leg. Convey a sense of pride in the fit of a suit jacket.

Aaron couldn’t understand it, but Robert didn’t need him to. He appreciated enough that Aaron didn’t think him soft for it. Not like his father would have.

Don’t think about him.

Robert forced a smile and pointed at a rack of blown glass knickknacks. He turned to mention them to Aaron but stopped short when he saw Aaron looking down the street at the pub on the corner, and Robert didn’t need to ask to know why.

All along the exterior of the pub were about half a dozen rainbow flags donned proudly for the world to see. He watched while a breeze would ruffle it for a moment before it would settle back down, practically screaming its statement for the whole street to know without saying a word.

Another quiet language of symbols. An unspoken understanding.

Robert cleared his throat, and Aaron jumped at the sound. He whipped around and made himself look busy, and Robert could feel his own palms go clammy. With just one more indulgent look at the bar, he turned away as well, shakily pointing to the glass trinkets again.

They weren’t going to talk about it.

It was one thing to tell the man you are sleeping with and plan to spend your life with that you’re gay. It’s a whole other thing to go broadcasting it to a load of strangers.

Still, it was nice to know it was there. Not for them, not today. But maybe for someone else.

Despite how cloudy it was, Robert could tell it was well into the afternoon by the time they’d reached the busier intersections. Thankfully, it was hard to get lost when the water was always to your left and there was church about every five blocks. They made their way back to the rocks and sat down beside each other, looking out at the water.

There were loads more people now, but he and Aaron were still able to manage a spot away from the thick of it. Aaron bought them a sandwich while Robert staked out the area, and now they were just sitting in silence. Robert could feel exhaustion pulling at him, and for the first time he let himself think about his last 24 hours.

He hadn’t slept since the night before, and he hadn’t really allowed himself to think about what this all meant now.

“Are you okay?” Robert asked, needing to talk it through.

Aaron didn’t say anything right away, and Robert appreciated it. “I think so,” Aaron finally answered. “I, uh, I left Sandra a note.”

“You told her where we were goin’?” Robert complained.

“No, course not. But I had to tell her something. Plus, I think she knew. I mean, obviously she knew about us, she’s not dense, but I think she knew I was leavin’. With you,” Aaron said, looking over at Robert who met his glance. “Reckon she probably thought it’d be just down the road, though.”

Robert laughed and brought his knees up to his chest. “I keep rememberin’ that this is it,” he confessed, looking back at the water. “Even if I wanted to, I can’t go back. And I don’t. Want to, that is. But it’s like, knowin’ I can’t.” Robert watched Aaron drum his fingers against his thigh and knew he needed a cigarette. It was his usual tick, and Robert was proud of him for going this long without one. If there were ever a time – save for the car ride – this would have been it.

“Do you think your dad will call?” Aaron asked, and Robert blew out a heavy sigh.

“Hope not,” he lied, smiling wide. Aaron fixed him with a look and Robert dropped the act. “Fine. I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “I really hope he doesn’t, because I can just hear his voice now. ‘Son, what do you think you’re playin’ at? You’re being a child. It’s time for you to man up.’ I just know it’ll be somethin’ like that. Do I wish things were different? Yeah. Of course. But they’re not.”

Robert shook his head and pushed the doubt aside, letting himself live in the moment. He took Aaron’s hand, keeping it tucked between them, and squeezed. “But I promise ya, Aaron. It’ll be worth it. I will make this be worth it. Just, don’t leave me, okay?”

Aaron looked down at their hands and held Robert’s eyes for seconds too long, and if it had been anyone else it might’ve been awkward. But Robert let him stare. “I promise,” Aaron whispered. “I won’t ever leave you.”

He clung to the words like a vice, feeling his 17 years of loneliness be quieted with the last four years of lo-

Love. You can say it. It’s love!

-the last four years of commitment and knowing beyond everything else that it was him and Aaron against the world. It was all either of them needed. He was sure of that.

Neither of them had thought to bring their phones, and couldn’t see any sort of clock, but at Robert’s yawn, Aaron laughed and hoisted him up. “Let’s get you back, old man,” Aaron teased, elbowing him lightly. Robert didn’t have the energy to both walk and be snarky, so he settled for the former, letting Aaron guide them back the way they came from the car park.

They agreed that they shouldn’t sleep until it got dark at least, so they settled themselves into the van properly. Robert re-situated the blankets and pillows, happy he never took down those string lights from Christmas, while Aaron took inventory of what they both brought. He lined the sunscreen, plasters, medicines, and everything else Robert brought next to the batteries, CD binder, torches, and re-fillable water bottles Aaron thought to bring.

They’d have to get a cooler sometime soon, or else they’d never be able to keep any food they bought, but that was a problem for future versions of themselves. For now, Robert tucked himself into the corner, propping his back against the driver’s seat so his legs stretched out in front of him and pulled out one of his paperbacks.

“Read to me?” Aaron asked once he settled down. “Y’know, to keep you awake,” he added, shrugging. Robert rolled his eyes and spread his legs a bit so Aaron could lean back against him and read.

“‘When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie, I had only two things on my mind: Paul Newman and a ride home.’” Robert read aloud, and felt Aaron sigh.

“Who’s Paul Newman?” Aaron interrupted.

“I dunno. Probably an actor if he was at a movie?” Robert answered.

“I guess,” Aaron shrugged, letting Robert continue.

“‘I was wishing I looked like Paul Newman – he looks tough and I don’t-’” Robert kept reading, but Aaron interrupted again.

“Are we talkin’ like Sylvester Stallone or Christopher Walken?”

“What?” Robert asked, putting the book down to look at Aaron, baffled. “Why the hell would he look like Christopher Walken?”

Aaron tsked. “You’re telling me you don’t think that guy looks like he’s killed a man once or twice?”

“You’re crazy,” Robert muttered, picking the book back up. He heard Aaron make a sound of protest and shushed him. “Shh, I’m reading,” he stage whispered before continuing on.

They stayed like that for two chapters before Robert could hear himself start to mumble and felt his eyes droop. “Alright, let’s lay down,” Aaron suggested, and Robert didn’t need to be told twice. He waited for Aaron to situate himself with his CD player and headphones before tucking himself into Aaron’s arms, definitely ready to be the little spoon for the night. The last thing he remembered was Aaron’s fingers through his hair before he fell straight to sleep.

9 January, 2006

Nothing in the world could have prepared Robert for sixteen year old Aaron. He was that same mouthy teenager with a penchant for trouble, but overnight things changed. It’d been weeks since Robert had spent any time with Aaron, what with exam season and the holidays taking up every brain cell Robert had left to give, so to say he was stunned when Aaron answered the door that foggy Monday night was an understatement.

Aaron was all broad shoulders, cut jawline, and the hints of toned muscle, and Robert was having a crisis. His smile was quick as he nodded for Robert to come inside, and it was devastatingly handsome. Part of him was glad he decided to take that break from Aaron while he studied, because if he had to watch this develop, he never would’ve retained anything.

He was still a menace, though. Aaron was always ready with some sort of backtalk, no matter how well-intended the recipient had been, but Robert wouldn’t trade him for anything. In the quiet moments, when Liv was watching some Disney movie, Aaron would lounge with him on the couch, and that was Robert’s favorite version of him. In their early days Robert had tried sitting on the opposite end of the couch. He even ended up on the floor once or twice when he tried to put space between them, but it wasn’t what he wanted.

Robert wanted the freedom to reach out for Aaron and pull him in snug to his chest. He settled for sitting side to side, their feet propped up on the coffee table. Sometimes Aaron would take Robert’s new cell phone – a Motorola RAZR that had a front screen camera and everything – and they’d pass it back and forth trying to beat each other’s high score in Prince of Persia until the battery drained. When Aaron would watch Robert play, once in a while his cheek would rest on Robert’s shoulder, and Robert’s fingers would fumble and his character would fall.

But while things were as good as they had ever been with Aaron, Robert’s anxieties about school were all he could think about. University applications were due on the 16th, which barely gave him a week to send them in. He’d filled out all the important things about himself, but the things Jack needed to help him on – plus the application fees – were left blank. November had felt too far away to push it, and December had been hectic, but he couldn’t put it off any longer.

He went into work the next day on a mission.

“Dad?” Robert called as he walked from the office out to the builder’s hub where Jack was sat eating his lunch. Robert never really went out here unless he needed paperwork off one of the guys, and it was rare that anyone was even here during the day. Most of the guys were constantly out on a job, his dad being one of them, but it was slow for a Monday, and Jack had to run the company, not just work it.

“Robert,” Jack said by way of greeting.

Robert hovered by Jack’s desk, looking at the few personal items he kept. There was the watch he always took off while he worked, and his paddycap he wore in the mornings and on the drive home. On the left of his desk was the only real thing worth looking at. It was a picture of their family when Victoria was only a baby, before Sarah had gotten sick. He and Andy looked like babies themselves in the photo, and Robert had to look away.

“I brought these so you could start looking at them. They’re due next Monday, so I’ve gotta get them in the post by Thursday if I can,” Robert explained, handing Jack the application packet.

Jack looked up at him and took the papers. He barely flipped through them before handing them back to Robert. “What’s the point in filling them out?” he asked.

Robert blinked. “I- I need to fill them out? I can’t just go to whatever Uni I want.” Robert was confused. His father was far from stupid, but the question seemed ridiculous.

“Who’s paying for this school?” Jack asked him, raising a brow and Robert felt his heart stop.

“Wh-” he started, but Jack cut him off.

“Robert, we’re barely getting by as it is. I’ve got workers to pay and we’ve got a house that needs payin’ for, too. Victoria’s starting school, so there’s her uniforms and whatever else she’ll need. You’ve got to start pulling your weight around here,” Jack said, gesturing to the building.

“But that’s what Andy’s doing! What am I going to college for if you never meant for me to go to university?” Robert argued, and he could hear his voice getting louder by the word. He braced himself for his dad to get even louder, and Jack didn’t disappoint.

“You’re the one that insisted you keep going. I told you when I told Andy, you’re better suited working full time here to get your bearings, but you’re the one who wanted to go to school.”

“Because I was meant to go to Manchester like mum!”

Jack sighed and stood up, resting his hands on his desk. “Your mother put fantasies in your head. I should’ve stopped her once you were old enough to start believin’ in them, so I guess that’s my fault.”

“Dad-”

“This isn’t a discussion, Robert. We don’t have the money, so you won’t be going. That’s the last I’m hearin’ of it.”

The air around him felt thick, and he could hear his ears ringing, and it was all he could do to grab the packet off his dad’s desk and turn around, heading straight for his office cabin and slamming the door behind him. He was glad no one else was in because he was nearing a full on strop and he did not need the embarrassment of that along with the flame in his cheeks from his father’s dismissal.

He was losing Sarah all over again. For years, ever since she told them she was sick, that school was the one thing he was able to hold on to. She’d been telling him stories about her days there since he was small; she’d tell him about all the novels and poems she loved and how she discovered them in her classes there. She told him about the friends she made, and how they’d been what made her time at Uni worth it the most. When the cancer got too bad for her to stay home, he’d read her the novels she said she once loved.

And when she died, he’d dream about seeing her in the library. He knew she’d be there, roaming the aisles and Robert vowed he’d find her there.

It felt like she had died again. This was the last thing he had of her, the only thing he never had to share with Andy, and like nothing, it was gone.

The rest of the workday passed in a blur. Every so often he’d collect signed receipts off the workers and mail out invoices, but he wasn’t much use elsewise. At 5 o’clock on the dot, Robert didn’t even think before locking up and going straight to Aaron’s. He usually went home first to collect his bike so he wouldn’t have to walk, but the bus was good enough. It gave him chance to zone out and try not to focus on how much he missed his mother.

He couldn’t believe his dad would do this to him.

Yes I can, he thought to himself, blandly.

Once he reached the house, Sandra greeted him at the door. “Oh, hi love. Aaron’s not home.”

“Yeah, I know. He had that interview,” Robert said as he made his way inside and kicked off his shoes. “S’alright if I wait?”

“’course. You staying for dinner?” she asked him, already making her way back to the living room.

“Might do!” he called as he took the stairs two at a time up to Aaron’s room. He peeked into Liv’s room but she wasn’t in so he went straight for Aaron’s, flopping onto the bed. His room wasn’t much to look at. There was a twin size bed with army green sheets mismatched with a light blue blanket and dark grey pillows, pictures torn from magazines and CD inserts pinned to the walls, and a honey gold wardrobe that was more for show than anything if the piles of clothes on the floor was anything to go by.

He had a couple faded stickers along his metal bed frame – products of Liv’s design, no doubt – and a dusty CD player with a binder of discs on the floor. There wasn’t much else to it, but to Robert, it was home. So much more so than the room he shared with Andy.

He must’ve dozed off because the next thing he knew there was someone sitting on his back and slapping his thigh. “Wake up,” Aaron’s voice said and Robert pushed his face into the bedding.

“No,” he whined, lifting himself to try and knock Aaron off him, but Aaron just slid back until his back hit the wall and his legs were draped over him. Robert sighed and turned over so that he could at least look at Aaron.

“Guess what I’ve just done?” Aaron beamed.

“Damaged my kidneys?” Robert joked, rubbing at his stomach.

“Funny,” Aaron deadpanned. “Got me a job, didn’t I?”

Robert grinned. “Proud of you,” Robert said, squeezing Aaron’s knee.

Aaron gave him a look and Robert averted his eyes. “Hey,” Aaron said, voice soft but getting his attention, and Robert raised an eyebrow. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” Robert answered unhelpfully and Aaron rolled his eyes.

“You know you’re a terrible liar, Robert. What’s happened?”

Not for the first time, Robert was overwhelmed by how well Aaron knew him. Not that it was rocket science to tell Robert wasn’t his usual self – if he had been, he’d have been jumping up and down making a show of his excitement for Aaron just to get him to laugh – but still, Robert felt seen.

He brought his arm up to shield his eyes as he explained everything. Aaron already knew about Robert’s applications and Robert could hear Aaron’s sounds of anger at Jack as he explained the rejection. Aaron moved his legs off of Robert and had them tucked into himself. He was playing with a frayed string on Robert’s shirt as he listened, and Robert wanted to hold his hand.

“So what’re you gonna do?” Aaron asked him and Robert groaned as he stretched.

“No clue. Probably gonna have to work for dad ‘til I can find summat else.”

Aaron sighed. “Mate, I’m sorry,” he said genuinely, and Robert quirked a small smile.

“’s alright. At least this means I ain’t goin’ nowhere. You’re stuck with me,” Robert joked, poking at the back of Aaron’s hand that sat at his hem.

“Good,” Aaron said, and there was too much honesty there. Robert looked up at him. “I mean it. I was gutted thinkin’ about you leavin’.”

Robert sat up and Aaron shifted closer to him. Aaron continued, “Really. I hated it. Kept lookin’ at me calendar like, ‘Oh, it’s 180 days ‘til Robert leaves. Great.’ And I dunno, maybe it’s, like, weird and maybe you’d rather be at the school than stuck here, but I’m still here. No matter what.”

“Aaron,” Robert started.

“Sorry, I just-” Aaron said at the same time.

Robert laughed. “Aaron,” he said again before leaning in to kiss him, throwing caution to the wind. After a beat, he pulled back just enough to let Aaron move away if he wanted, but when Aaron smiled against his lips, Robert couldn’t help his own smile as he leaned back in. This was nothing like the first time. There wasn’t a single doubt in Robert’s mind that Aaron felt the same. That he had done for almost as long as Robert had.

Kissing Aaron was the most natural thing in the world for Robert. It was still awkward – too much teeth and shifting angles – but it made him feel alive. Free. And Robert knew, even if he couldn’t have the school and the future he’d always expected, having Aaron was more than enough.

30 April, 2009

By their fourth day in Brighton, they’d gotten into a sort of pattern. Every morning, Robert would pay the fair for the parking and get himself a new pass. Then they’d make their way down to the beach and use the public restroom and rinse showers before too many people were out. They’d bought themselves throwaway sandals by day two when they realized that just because the beaches weren’t sandy didn’t mean all sorts of dirt wouldn’t make its way back to the van.

They had also spent more than they were comfortable with buying a cooler and water jugs, but at least they had all their basics. The days were spent doing much of the same as the days before. Admiring the water, walking the streets, and ignoring the creeping guilt of spending money they don’t have and leaving their families behind.

So, the usual.

But parking at £6 for every 12 hours was starting to add up, and honestly, that was just the nature of a tourist town. Everything was bound to be over-expensive, and it was good that they had no intention of staying too long. By that afternoon they packed up the van and took back to the road. They made their way east along the A36 to look for some sort of campsite to settle down in for a while, but the rates were outrageous.

Robert suggested they go see Stonehenge while they were down there, and while the actual site was pretty boring for a World Wonder, the surrounding car parks were almost always full, so no one noticed their van taking up a space for a few extra days.

Things were smooth sailing for nearly two full weeks, so naturally something had to go wrong.

It was 3:00 AM when Robert felt the car start to jostle along the road, startling him from sleep. Aaron had taken the wheel so that Robert could sleep and now he was cursing and hitting his palm against the steering wheel while Robert blinked in confusion.

“What’s happened?” Robert asked, looking out at the dark road as Aaron pulled over to stop along the highway.

“Flat tire,” he answered sharply. There weren’t many people on the road when they both got out, but somehow that made it creepier. It was so dark, with only a few streetlights to line the road, and he hadn’t been able to tell from inside the van, but there was a light fall of rain coming down, leaving the side of the road muddy.

“Here,” Aaron said, putting the torch in Robert’s hand. “Point that out at the road while I change this.”

“Wait, out at the road?” Robert asked, confused, but did it anyway.

“Yeah. It’s dark. Gotta let people know we’re here,” Aaron answered, voice already strained as he worked the tire off. Robert nodded, letting Aaron work while he stood with the torch pointed out to the passing cars. The rain was cold against his skin and he felt himself shiver, but he forced himself to stand still. The cars felt way too close for comfort, and Robert felt seconds away from being run over, but Aaron was the one doing all the manual labor. Robert could hold a light.

“Shit!” Aaron yelled, smacking the side of the van. “The spare’s not gonna last us.” Aaron waved him over and pointed to it. “See? It’s been used too much. We can’t drive on it. Not properly.”

Aaron looked up at him and Robert bit his lip, looking out at the road. “Okay, well will it get us to the next exit? We’ll have to stop at a garage.”

“With what money?” Aaron asked him and Robert felt himself getting agitated.

“Well I don’t know, Aaron! We’ll figure it out. Just, will it get us there or not?”

Aaron groaned but got to work, not bothering to answer. Robert shook his head and went back to pointing the light until Aaron called him to get back in the car. He got them back on the road and took the first exit that led them to a fairly small town. There was a sign for a garage up ahead that Aaron followed until they got to the mechanic’s.

Robert checked the time and got himself settled back down. “They won’t be open for a few hours. I’m going back to sleep.” Aaron waved him off and stared out the window. Minutes passed and the realization that a new tire – or, more likely, two new tires – was going to leave them down at least £150 kept him too awake to even think about falling back asleep.

He and Aaron sat in silence for two hours before another car pulled up and parked outside. A fairly large man made his way up to the shop and unlocked it before turning on all the lights. Aaron got out without a word and walked over to the shop, and Robert waited. He watched them come back out and Aaron point at the van before Aaron waved him over.

“So?” Robert asked when he met up with them.

“Like I was tellin’ him, if it’s just the tires, then we’re looking at anywhere between £175 to £200. But from what I can tell from here, you’re not gonna want to be drivin’ that thing until someone gets a proper look at it,” the mechanic – Lester by looks of his nametag – told him.

Robert gave Aaron a look that said, What do you think? and Aaron gave him a look back that said, It’s your car, mate. And sure, technically Aaron didn’t say anything, but Robert knew that’s what he meant and scoffed.

“Can we have a second?” Robert asked before dragging Aaron away. Once Lester was out of earshot, Robert complained. “We haven’t got over 200 to spend on tires, let alone other work!”

“Robert, he’s right. This thing,” he spit, pointing at the van, “is a deathtrap. Next thing we know it’s the battery or the heater breakin’ or, God! The brakes goin’! This van was never meant to be driven like this.”

“So, what? We can’t exactly buy a new car, Aaron.”

“Yeah, Robert, I know,” Aaron snapped back, and Robert grit his teeth. “I’m sayin’ we can’t keep this up until we’ve got enough money to fix this.”

“Hey!” The pair of them turned back to where Lester called out to them. He looked at them with squinted eyes, sizing them up before seeming to come to a decision. “You two, pay for the tires since you can’t get out of this lot without ‘em. But after that, if you need somewhere to hunker down for a while, there’s an empty lot next to my house. As long as you two don’t cause a fuss, you can stay there. Won’t tow you or anythin’.”

Robert felt his jaw go slightly slack while Aaron smacked his chest. “Deal,” Aaron agreed, not letting Robert respond.

“Plus, I’ll be gettin’ your name and license number. If I get robbed, I’ll know who to go after,” Lester winked and Robert laughed awkwardly.

They had to wait until the mechanic’s lunch break before they could follow him down a few roads to his house. Beside it was a strip of road where a few other cars were parked and nothing to look at but a red brick wall with stone slabs that didn’t match and had cracks and chips and scratches all along it. Some of the reds were so dark they were almost black, while some were so sun faded they turned pink. It made Robert’s eyes cross to look at.

There was a beat up bin outside Lester’s fence with cigarette butts lined along the ground and in the grooves of the pavement where the weeds poked through. Along the wall were more weeds and dirt, with dried gum here and there, blackened from the earth and the tires that drove across it.

Robert got out of the car and took a look up and down the street, but there wasn’t much to see. Just houses all the way down. Aaron shifted himself into the driver’s seat and rolled down the window, watching Robert take it all in.

Putting a hand to the wall, the warmth that still radiated from it was comforting in a way Robert couldn’t explain. It was still kind of cold out, but the wall felt like a sign of warmer days to come. He leaned back against it, mussing his hair while the stones left superficial scratches on the backs of his arms. Aaron had his head rested against his arms on the window, and Robert felt himself gravitated toward him.

“Right then. Home sweet home,” Robert said as he leaned against the van. He looked over to Aaron who stretched out, his arms poking out the window as he groaned out a yawn. “Hey,” Robert said, cupping Aaron’s cheek and getting his attention. “Thank you for everythin’ this morning. I’d still be stranded on the highway if it weren’t for you.”

Aaron smiled and shrugged. “S’alright. I’m with you for your looks, anyway,” he teased and Robert flicked at his nose lightly before kissing his forehead.

They both busied themselves with settling down. Robert scanned for any sort of public bushes so they wouldn’t have to piss on the wall, and Aaron made a makeshift tire chock just in case. After a few minutes, Aaron got into the van and Robert followed him in. Closing the doors let Robert feel like he could finally breathe.

Aaron kicked off his jeans and changed into some shorts while Robert checked the handbrake and put up the sunshade. He felt Aaron grab at his shirt and let himself be tugged back down for a kiss. There was nothing urgent or lingering about it. Just a simple “hello” that still made the butterflies in him go crazy.

Aaron’s hand was tucked under Robert’s shirt as he rubbed his lower back, and Robert knew if he kept it up he’d probably fall asleep. Wrapping himself around Aaron, he settled himself down to take a nap. In the quiet, Aaron whispered, “Do you think he thinks we’re together?”

Robert shrugged and nestled his face into Aaron’s neck. “We are together,” he murmured, but he knew what Aaron meant. The mechanic was good to them even though he had no reason to be, and the thought did cross Robert’s mind that maybe he was protecting them. But, then again, maybe he was just a nice man who hadn’t a clue.

“But do you think he knows?” Aaron asked again, and Robert sighed.

“Dunno,” he answered truthfully. “Dunno which I’d prefer, either, if I’m honest.”

6 July, 2006

Robert had to admit, working full time wasn’t as bad as he thought it’d be. He and Aaron were both finished with school – Aaron with his GCSEs out of the way and Robert with a certificate saying he completed his A-levels – and they were both learning how to navigate their relationship around separate days off work and only a few hours left at the ends of the day to see each other.

Aaron’s hours were all over the place, but once in a while the stars would align and he’d get the morning shift on weekends so they could spend most of the afternoons together. Robert made it a point to devote whatever time he could spare toward Aaron. He couldn’t exactly take him on proper dates like other couples could, but they made do.

Aaron finally caught up with the times and got himself a junky prepaid Nokia 1100 that didn’t have a color screen and cost 40p a text, but at least now Robert could let him know he missed him when he was stuck at home or bored at work.

And that was something new, too. Robert never figured himself the overly romantic type, but Aaron brought it out in him. He found himself wanting to remind Aaron any chance he got that he was thinking of him. He’d doodled his initials on Aaron’s shoes and scratched his name above Aaron’s in the wood of his wardrobe.

The worst of it though was when he was alone. He’d caught himself staring at the photos of him and Aaron on his phone for hours. There were ones from the last year when Aaron’s hair was spikier and he still wore those tracksuits, but Robert still managed to think he was cute. There were more from the last few months though. Ones of them pulling faces as they laid together in Aaron’s bed, some with Liv when she wanted to play, too. But it was the ones Aaron didn’t know about - the ones that were just Aaron existing in the world – that were Robert’s favorites.

He wished he could set the photo of them together, finally smiling properly, as his phone screensaver, proudly showing off his boyfriend just like everyone else his age did with their girlfriends.

But thoughts like that were dangerous.

5 September, 2006

Robert dumped his bike behind the bins in front of Aaron’s house and hopped up the steps, knocking quickly. He shifted on his weight and checked his phone, not really expecting a text but checking it out of habit anyway. When no one answered, Robert checked the clock and knocked again. It was Tuesday, but Aaron should’ve been home by now.

Robert knocked again, louder, before the sound of the front lock went and the door opened slowly. A tiny blonde head peeked out but when she saw it was Robert, Liv threw the door open. “Robert!” she cheered, jumping up and down in excitement.

“What’re you doin’ answerin’ the door by yourself?” Robert said as he ushered her back, closing the door behind him. The house was completely silent aside from Liv’s chatter and Robert was worried.

“I had to! You kept knocking,” she argued.

“Where’s Aaron or your mum?” he asked her, peering into the living room and the kitchen.

“Mumma’s been sleepin’ all day. I think she’s poorly but she doesn’t want soup. I always feel better when I have soup,” Liv explained.

Robert was getting anxious. “And Aaron?”

“In his room,” she pouted. “He was being mean to me all day.”

“What, he didn’t go to work?” Robert asked her, squatting down to get to her level.

She shook her head. “Nuh-uh. He wouldn’t play with me and then he just went to his room and won’t let me in.”

Robert looked up the stairs and back at her. “Have you eaten?” he asked. She was six, and while she practically acted like a little adult, she wasn’t really fit to fend for herself. When she shook her head no, Robert led her to the couch and sat her in front of the TV. “Cereal alright?”

“For dinner?” she asked, confused.

“It’ll have to do,” he said more to himself as he got the bowl out and poured her some. He thought better of it and got a bigger bowl, dumping the cereal in there and adding more in. If this was all she was having tonight, it’d better at least fill her.

He brought the food over to her and after making her promise not to spill he let her be, heading up the stairs towards Aaron’s room. The silence was eerie, but Robert shook himself of it.

“Aaron?” he called as he knocked on the door. There was no response, so he knocked louder.

“Go away!” he heard Aaron call back.

“Aaron, are you alright?”

“Are you deaf? I said go away,” Aaron yelled, his voice barely muffled by the door. Robert tried the door but it was locked.

“Look, Liv’s downstairs all alone right now,” he said, pausing for a response, but when he got nothing back he dropped his forehead to the door. “Fine. I’ll be downstairs with her.”

He waited a few more seconds before giving up and going back downstairs. As much as he would have rather kept trying with Aaron, he really couldn’t leave Liv by herself. When he found her, she had the bowl tipped back to drink the milk. Just as bad as her brother he thought as he collected the dish and washed it. He spent the next few hours playing secret agents with her Beanie Babies and watching some made-for-TV children’s movie until she fell asleep, the sugar catching up with her.

He knew she should’ve brushed her teeth, but she’d be fine for one night. He picked her up and carried her up the stairs to her room, making sure she was still sleeping before shutting her door and looking across the hall at Aaron’s. With a deep breath, he made his way back over.

He knocked gentler this time. “Aaron?” he tried. There was nothing for a few beats, but then Robert heard Aaron roll of his bed, pad across the room, and unlock the door. Without waiting, Robert let himself in. Aaron was already going back to his bed, but thankfully he was sitting up so Robert sat beside him.

They sat together in silence for a few minutes. Robert knew Aaron was just trying to find the right words, so he gave him time. Finally, Aaron said, “Today’s the anniversary of Gordon’s death.”

Robert blinked. “Gordon? Your dad?” Aaron nodded and wasn’t looking at Robert. “I’m sorry,” Robert started but Aaron put up his hand.

“Don’t. I’m glad he’s gone. Best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Aaron said, his voice bitter and angry. Aaron never spoke about his dad, but Robert also never asked. He was being raised by his step-mother and there wasn’t so much as a photo of Gordon anywhere. He’d thought maybe it was a messy divorce, but by the sounds of it, it was much more than that.

“Robert? I need to tell ya somethin’ but I dunno how you’ll react,” Aaron confessed.

Robert scooted himself closer to Aaron and took his hand. He still wasn’t over the fact that that was something he could do. He could comfort Aaron like this. “You can tell me anythin’, you know that.”

Aaron shook his head. “This is different. My own mum can’t even stand it.” Robert knew better than to placate him, so he just squeezed his hand tighter. Aaron cleared his throat. “My- err, Gordon. When I was little he used to, uh,” Aaron swallowed and breathed out shakily. “He used to hurt me. Uh,” he breathed again, but when he blew out he was resolute. “He used to rape me.”

The world felt like it had tilted as Robert's stomach lurched. Everything felt unsteady and he was absolutely shell-shocked. There were a million things Robert had been expecting, but not for a second did he expect that. When Aaron’s hand went limp and he tried to pull away, Robert held on tighter, refusing to let Aaron push him away.

Aaron stared at him and Robert was grateful Aaron could read him, because he had no words. Aaron went on, “When I was eleven, that’s when it all ended. I don’t really wanna talk about the rest of it.”

“You don’t have to,” Robert assured, finding his voice.

Robert took Aaron’s hand in his right and looped his left arm around Aaron’s waist, holding him. Aaron leaned his cheek against Robert’s head as he rested his chin against Aaron’s shoulder. “I don’t know how Sandra found out, but she took me to a doctor the day after when Gordon went to work. After that it was a mess. There were police and Sandra moved us in with her mum for a month and then they told us dad killed himself. They never told me how, and honestly I don’t want to know.”

Robert’s mind was spinning and he just wanted to hold Aaron tighter and tighter and never let anything even half as bad ever happen to him again. “So you’ve just stayed with Sandra then? What about your mum?”

“Mum didn’t want me. Sandra says my mum blames herself, and that’s why, but she’s my mum. Why does she get to make this about her?” Aaron argued to no one. “I don’t care, though. Sandra’s done more for me than my mum ever did.”

“And this way you get to stay with Liv,” Robert mentioned, trying to find a silver lining, but Aaron groaned.

“Liv. God, was she angry with me?”

“Well if I’m honest, she was more upset than anythin’.”

“She must think I’m the worst,” Aaron said, resigned.

“No, she knows you’re the best brother in the world. She’ll be fine.”

Aaron sighed again, heavy, and looked behind himself before scooting him and Robert against the wall. “I’m happy that she’ll never know him. Trust me, I am. But sometimes, days like today, I, like, resent her, I think. But then that’s a bit shit. Resentin’ her for not having to know him. So then I get angry with meself, and then I get angry with her, so I just left her downstairs.”

Robert eased Aaron into laying down and cuddled up behind him. “You get to have these days, Aaron. You’ve got me, now,” he whispered, carding his fingers through the short hairs at Aaron’s neck. He pressed a kiss to the back of Aaron’s head and held him, not leaving until Aaron fell asleep.

22 April, 2007

“I’m not paralyzed, but I seem to be struck by you,” the voice on the radio sang, and while this was a new song, Robert still tried to sing along to words he didn't know.

Robert’s hair danced in the wind through the open window as he drove – drove! – toward McDonalds. For months, since before Christmas, he and Aaron had been saving up to buy his new baby, a busted up old 1992 Dodge Caravan. The thing had definitely seen better days, and the insurance payments he’d need to make on it were enough to make Robert’s heart stop, but it was finally his. He’d been eyeing it for years, and with Aaron’s contribution plus the early birthday money he got from his nan, he was finally able to afford it.

After circling for what felt like an hour, he finally found a spot not too far from the McDonalds and walked over. There was a fair amount of people in line and waiting for their meals and Robert could see Aaron working at the back, probably putting the food together. He waited for a lull before flagging Aaron down. Aaron said something to a coworker and nodded for Robert to meet him out back.

Distantly, Robert wondered if all Aaron’s coworkers knew. They weren’t Aaron’s friends exactly, but when you work with someone enough and he always took his breaks with some random bloke, you’d probably figure something was up.

Once he rounded the building Aaron tossed him a burger with a “Happy Birthday” which Robert nearly fumbled. Aaron sat down at the one bench they had back there and Robert smirked before tossing Aaron the keys. Aaron caught them out of instinct and stared at them dumbly for a second before it dawned on him. His head snapped up and left his burger to the side.

“Are you serious?” he asked, jumping up.

Robert shrugged but couldn’t hold back his own giddy laughter when Aaron lunged at him, bringing him into a tight hug. Aaron looked around them for any prying eyes and then pressed a kiss to Robert’s mouth. “When’d you get it?” he asked, staring back down at the keys.

“Just now. Wanted to show you,” Robert smiled. Aaron never tended to get over-animated about anything, so seeing him be so comfortable in his excitement was making Robert’s heart burst. “I’ll pick you up after work. We can go for a drive,” he promised.

“Eat your burger first,” Aaron demanded, tossing him the keys and going back to his own lunch.

“Yes, dear,” Robert answered, joining Aaron on the bench.

“Ew, shut up,” Aaron laughed, elbowing Robert in the side.

By the time 3 o’clock rolled around, Robert was already idling out front. It technically wasn’t a parking space, but Aaron didn’t dawdle. They drove aimlessly in circles for a while before Robert ended up near a path going up to the river. He pulled over to the side and cut the engine, the car shaded by a forest of trees.

Without preamble, Aaron unbuckled himself and leaned over, kissing Robert. It was clumsy and uncomfortable in the car, but Robert had no plans on stopping him. A car or two would drive by, and they’d stop long enough for them to pass before leaning back into each other.

When they finally pulled back to catch their breath, Aaron looked over at the backseat. “Y’know, you get some blankets, maybe a couple pillows back there, and you’d get a lot more than this outta me,” he flirted, winking at Robert.

He knew Aaron was teasing him, but the idea shot a current through Robert’s body. They’d done all sorts in Aaron’s room whenever they got the house to themselves, but those times were so few and far between these days. Having a place of their own, even if it was just a dodgy van, was exciting.

“Yeah, it’ll be nice. We can do it up in here,” Robert agreed, looking at the back as well. There wasn’t a world of space, but it was enough. He saw potential. “And we can go anywhere you want, whenever you want. I’ll even teach you to drive.”

Aaron leaned his cheek against the back of his seat. “Dunno about that. This thing’s a kick away from collapsing around us.”

“Shh!” Robert shushed him, patting the dashboard as if he were soothing it. “Don’t talk about her that way.”

Aaron rolled his eyes before shutting them, and Robert knew for all his complaints that he was content.

14 May, 2009

It was two weeks after breaking down in Trowbridge before they finally feel somewhat settled. The first few days were a wash. They did nothing but sleep and listen to music, agreeing immediately that they wouldn’t drive unless it was absolutely dire. Petrol cost too much, and Aaron argued that it wouldn’t kill them to walk more. They used to walk all the time.

They found a laundromat and a public pool that they could shower at daily if they paid for membership, and they both agreed it was worth the money. It was quite a walk away, over 30 minutes, and there were always kids laughing and screaming no matter what time of day it was, but it meant they could sleep freshly showered, and could even take advantage of the pool. It wasn’t much, but when they were either stuck in the van or walking from place to place, it was a nice change.

Aaron got a job first. There was a Wickes hiring that was a 40 minute walk away, and while Aaron wasn’t exactly the DIY sort, he could sell a plasterboard and kitchen sinks just as well as the next guy. It took Robert a week of pushing down his own pride before applying to the Tesco 10 minutes away. He had nothing against working as a grocer, but the only position available was fruit and veg that seemed commandeered by a slew of teenagers. And while 21 wasn’t exactly old and weathered, it was still a level of hell Robert wasn’t prepared for.

But they were running out of food fast, and at least in fruit and veg he could bring back anything the store deemed unsellable. Sure, the foods were ugly or past date, but they were still edible, and more importantly they were free.

When Aaron would come home exhausted after standing all day then making the trek back home, Robert felt like being able to bring food home was at least something. With Aaron’s first paycheck, they got themselves toiletries and decided his would go to general upkeep while Robert’s would be saved to fix the van.

Nights were cold one day then sweltering the next, but every night without fault, Aaron would kiss Robert goodnight before listening to him read.

‘If Dally had said yes, Johnny would have gone back to the church without hesitation.’ Robert read one night, and Aaron whistled low.

“Fuck,” Aaron said, sympathizing. Robert smiled and kissed the crown of his head and nodded.

“I know,” he agreed, happy Aaron was loving the book as much as Robert did the first time he read it.

They worked weird split days, but always had Thursday and Friday off at the same time, and Robert wouldn’t trade any of this for the world.

4 August, 2007

Andy was driving Robert crazy.

Honestly, Andy Sugden was probably the most annoying person on the planet, and Robert realized with increasing dread that he was stuck with him for the rest of his life. Now, though, Robert couldn’t even stand to be in the same room with him.

He was playing some shooter game online with his mates, screaming every curse word under the sun into his headset. There was a string of slurs that made Robert nearly chuck his phone at Andy’s head, but that was not a fight he was in any mood for today. Andy was an idiot. Those were just facts.

Still, he couldn’t help but slap Andy’s head as he left the room, jumping out of the way when Andy swung blindly back at him before going back to his game. Aaron was at work and so was Sandra, so there wasn’t anyone home, but Robert figured he’d rather wait for them in his car for hours than spend another second in Prince Andrew’s company.

Jack was in sat at the dining room table amongst a stack of papers when Robert went downstairs. He grabbed his keys off the hook with an absent, “Bye, dad!” and was nearly at the door before Jack’s voice called for him.

“Robert, come in here.”

Robert squeezed his fist but turned and went back into the room, hovering in the doorway.

“Yeah?” he asked, keeping his voice casual.

Jack looked down at Robert’s keys. “Where’re you off to?” he asked him, and it already sounded accusatory.

“Aaron’s,” Robert answered honestly, annoyed.

Jack hummed in false understanding, and Robert immediately knew this was a trap. He could feel the room shift with the slow creep of panic crawling its way through Robert’s veins. “Why have I never met this ‘Aaron’ then? Seems like you spend all your time with that lad instead of here with your family.” Jack laughed, but it was cold and humorless. “It’s almost like you’ve got something to hide.”

Robert felt his chest collapse and there was a prickling sensation moving down his face. He swallowed and forced himself to relax. “Like what? He’s just a mate. What’re you even sayin’?”

“I’m sayin’, son, that people are startin’ to get the wrong idea about you,” Jack said evenly.

“And what ‘idea’ is that?” Robert shot back.

Jack picked up his pen and went back to his papers, and the dismissal made the hairs on Robert’s arm stand. Without even looking at him, Jack just asked him, “You don’t want people thinkin’ you’re some sort of queer, do you?”

And Robert should have said, “Well there’s nothing wrong with it.”

Or, “What if I was?”

Or even, “It’s you who doesn’t want people thinkin’ that.”

Instead, he said nothing. Not a single thing. Jack eyed him for a second, before shaking his head. “You aren’t one, so stop acting like it.”

Robert’s hands shook as he turned and went back upstairs. He locked himself in the bathroom, and not even Andy’s shouting and cheering echoing from the next room were loud enough to silence the barrage of thoughts in Robert’s head. The finality of what Jack meant chilled him. It wasn’t a discussion. There would be no words exchanged about this in the future.

Robert knew what his father meant. He never wanted a son like Robert – too emotional, too caught up in facts and figures than physical work – but those were things Jack could get over. This, though? This unspoken thing that they both would rather die than say aloud? Jack would never get over this.

For the next few days, Robert felt like a prisoner. Whenever Robert was at work, Jack would hand over busywork that Robert was never responsible for before. Jack would ask Robert to drive him to do errands under the guise of checking out Robert’s van, and it made him sick seeing Jack in Aaron’s seat. It felt like every time Robert so much as checked the time on his phone, Jack would be asking him a question, pulling his attention away, watching him like a hawk.

Robert was an adult. There was no reason he shouldn’t be allowed to leave the house whenever he felt like it, but for all the years he lived, he was still a child, and his father was still his father.

At first, Robert would text Aaron at night, telling him he was sorry for not coming over and for ignoring his calls, but when sorry was all he could give Aaron, the texts stopped, and Robert couldn’t even blame him. Robert was a coward who couldn’t keep his feelings in check long enough to deceive his dad, and he wasn’t worth the hassle of it all.

When days turned into a week, which turned into three, something finally gave.

Minutes after his dad stepped out to take Victoria to a mate’s, Aaron was ringing Robert. Without thinking, Robert answered. He hadn’t heard Aaron’s voice in days now, and he missed his boyfriend, if that’s what they still were.

“I’m outside,” was all Aaron said before hanging up and Robert scrambled from his bed to find him.

“What’re you doin’ here?” Robert asked him, looking up and down the street for his dad’s car before ushering Aaron inside.

“Robert, what is goin’ on? You don’t look like you’re dyin’ so why haven’t you been answerin’ my texts?” Aaron asked him, eyes going wide in waiting when Robert didn’t answer straight away.

“Dad knows. Well, I think he thinks he knows,” Robert said in a hushed tone.

“Knows what?” Aaron whispered back out of instinct.

“About,” Robert said, gesturing between the two of them. Aaron clued in quickly, and Robert watched his shoulders drop.

“Oh,” was all he said, and Robert’s heart nearly broke. “I get it.”

Aaron’s voice was low and tinged with sadness, and Robert didn’t even think before he pulled him into a hug. It took a second before Aaron held him back. Robert’s mind was racing, but there was one thing that was clear. Never, not even for a second, was Robert going to let Aaron think he was the problem.

He’d deal with his dad later. When it came down to it, Robert had to put Aaron first. Every time.

“C’mon,” Robert said, kissing Aaron’s temple before turning to lead him upstairs. He braced himself, knowing Andy was sat at his gaming station, but he couldn’t turn back now. He was not ashamed of Aaron.

He led Aaron into his and Andy’s room, immediately going over to pack his backpack. He tossed in shirts and underwear and random bits and bobs he thought he’d need. Aaron was stood in the middle of his room, taking it all in, and Robert let him be.

It took Andy nearly 30 seconds before he realized there was someone in the room and the questions began. “Who’re you? Who’s this?” Andy asked, pointing at Aaron.

When Robert didn’t bother answering, Aaron must’ve followed suit. He crossed his arms and gave Andy a look, and Robert could have kissed him right then and there.

The questions didn’t stop all the way to the front door. “Where are you going? Didn’t dad tell you he needed your help in the garage? Hey idiot, I’m talking to you.”

The last wasn’t a question, but it was the last thing Robert heard before he shut the door in Andy’s face. “Get your bike,” he told Aaron as he opened up the back of his van and threw his bag inside. He waited for Aaron to load his bike before they both got in the car. “I’m stayin’ with you for a couple days, by the way,” Robert said as he was already making his way down the street.

“Figured,” Aaron said with an eye roll, but there was a smile in his voice and Robert knew he made the right choice.

His father would be livid, but then he’d have to explain why, and if Robert knew Jack, his pride came first above all else. He may have known there was something up with Robert, but hell would freeze over before he’d admit it to anyone else.

It wasn’t until later, when the lights throughout the house were all turned off and Robert was secure in bed with Aaron’s hand resting over his heart that he got the nerve to ask, “Do you think you’re gay?”

Aaron snorted a laugh and cuddled his head in closer, but he didn’t answer, so Robert repeated, “Do you?”

The room was dark and he could barely make out Aaron’s features, but he felt Aaron prop himself up to look down at Robert. “Wait, are you serious?”

“Well I’m askin’ aren’t I?” Robert felt himself getting defensive.

“Yeah, obviously I’m gay,” Aaron answered, bewildered and Robert didn’t really understand why Aaron was acting like Robert was crazy right now.

“But do you ever, like, feel like you’re not? Not totally, at least?”

Aaron sounded defensive, too, when he asked, “Robert, why are you asking?”

“Well there are people online who say they like both. Lads and girls.”

Aaron pulled himself away from Robert. “So, what? You like a girl, then?”

Robert reached out for Aaron, his hand landing on his waist as he tried to bring him close again. “Aaron, stop. No, that’s not what I meant. I like you. Only you.”

Aaron let himself be brought back in, cautiously laying his head back on Robert’s chest. Robert continued, “I just don’t know how you know.”

“Well, you’ve got to end up with someone eventually, right? So it’s just whoever you end up with. Bein’ bi or whatever is just like until you choose,” Aaron explained, and Robert brought his hand up to rub up and down Aaron’s arm as he thought.

Aaron was who he wanted. He’d never looked at a girl or another guy since he’d met Aaron. If it was a choice, then Robert chose Aaron. The question still sat heavy in his chest, but still he said, “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

23 December, 2007

“Robert, I’m already blindfolded, you don’t have to hold my face,” Aaron complained as he reached around himself blindly looking for the van. Robert had convinced him to wear the blindfold once he got in the car, and then had made him wait while Robert got everything set up. He’d driven them a bit of a ways north until they were in the farmlands and parked them off a side road. He staked the place out the day before and there hadn’t been a single car that drove past in hours, and it was perfect.

“Alright, alright, take the blindfold off but keep ‘em closed,” he ordered, opening the back of the van and switching on the lights before turning to Aaron. “Okay, and open!”

Aaron blinked as his eyes adjusted before his features went soft. Robert was gesturing like a madman at the back of the van where he’d hung up battery-powered string lights, laid down a bed of blankets and pillows, and had bowls of snacks lined up next to his portable DVD player. Aaron looked at him and then back at the van.

“What’s all this?” he asked, and he sounded stunned but happy, and Robert went up behind him and looped his arms around his front so they could both look at the scene.

“Happy Christmas,” he said, kissing Aaron’s cheek. “I got all your favorite snacks and I’ve got a bunch of movies you can choose from. I can’t guarantee the player won’t die before we get through most of the first one, but is it still okay?”

Aaron turned in his hold and kissed him properly. His eyes were practically shining with stars as he smiled at Robert. “It’s way more than okay.”

“You don’t think it’s a bit-”

“Gay?” Aaron supplied.

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, well, lucky for us then, innit?” Aaron joked before going to the van and climbing in.

Robert sat beside him and shut the doors. Even with the light through the windows, there was still something incredibly calming about the soft glow of the string lights that he looped around the top and down the sides of the chairs. It had taken him longer that he wanted to admit, but he knew Aaron would appreciate it.

As tough and moody as Aaron could be, he was also sentimental that never shied away from Robert’s affections. If that meant putting a little bit of effort in and stepping out of their comfort zones, then so be it.

Plus, it was a perfect distraction.

The last few months had been brutal. Andy was somehow twice as intolerable as before, though Robert reckons that had more to do with Robert learning what days without Andy could feel like than anything. And then there was Jack. His dad had gone from being over present to acting like Robert didn’t exist at all. He didn’t say a word to him at home, and at work he’d only ever address him in a boss-employee manner. Robert felt like he was constantly on edge, waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for now there was nothing.

But that was fine. Sandra and Liv didn’t even blink an eye when Robert would emerge from Aaron’s room in the mornings, which he tried to do at least once a month when his own home got unbearable. Jack kept up appearances for Victoria’s sake, but Robert preferred him to leave him alone anyway.

No, being with Aaron was all he needed.

“Okay, we’re watchin’ this because it’s Christmas,” Aaron decided, popping out the disc for Die Hard and letting Robert set up the movie. Once they were settled, Aaron turned to him as the FBI warnings started. “Hey, I got you somethin’.”

Aaron crawled and reached into the glove compartment in the passenger’s side – Aaron’s side – and pulled out a CD.

“When’d that get there?” Robert asked when Aaron settled back down and handed it over.

“Couple days ago. You’re useless, I knew you’d never find it there,” Aaron teased.

On the back of the case Aaron listed out all the tracks, and Robert rolled his eyes at some of them.

“Nearly three years and you’ve still got terrible taste in music,” Aaron chastised him, tsking for effect.

“I thought you hated Lifehouse,” Robert said, finding more songs that he actually liked than he expected. “Nickleback?” he laughed.

“Hey, that one was a joke. But yeah, the rest of them bands you like are shit, but you like ‘em,” Aaron shrugged, grabbing for the bowl of crisps. “Now, we watchin’ this movie or not?”

Robert knew Aaron was trying to pull the attention away from his own gesture, but Robert still brought his hand up to rub at Aaron’s neck as he looked through the list more. Aaron pulled the CD from his hands and tossed it back up front, pointing to the movie and making a shushing gesture.

They leaned against the pillows and talked through the whole movie, both of them having seen it way too many times. Aaron was chewing noisily and yelling at the fictional characters on the screen, and Robert loved him.

It wasn’t something they said, no matter how many times he wanted to. But Aaron knew. He had to have known. Robert wanted to spend the rest of his life just like this, with Aaron by his side.

Aaron would be 18 next month, and maybe it wasn’t the craziest thing in the world for Robert to start looking for a place for them.

17 January, 2008

“J & S Roofing, Robert speaking,” Robert greeted when he answered the phone, perching it between his cheek and his shoulder.

“Hey, I got the job,” Aaron voice said, and it sounded like he was walking if the wind was anything to go by.

Aaron had been looking for a new job for weeks now. McDonalds was fine, but Aaron was getting restless doing it, and Robert had to admit it’d be nice if Aaron didn’t always smell of chips and grease. His car was starting to smell of it, even when Aaron didn’t bring any food with him. Loading and unloading shipments at a shopping centre was much better suited for the both of them.

“I start in two weeks, and I’ll be gettin’ Sundays off,” Aaron continued and Robert leaned back in his chair, taking hold of the phone properly. Thankfully, there was no one around to reprimand him for using the phone on company time.

“Yeah? Be gettin’ paid more an’ all?”

Aaron practically barked a laugh followed by a slap, and Robert could see Aaron covering his mouth in embarrassment. He was quieter this time, voice low when he asked, “You’d love that, wouldn’t ya? You’d love being spoiled.”

Robert swallowed hard. It was banter, Robert knew that, but it didn’t stop something from stirring through his body, making him itch to reach out for Aaron who wasn’t there. So he held the phone a little tighter and leaned forward onto his desk.

“What can I say? I like takin’ care of my boyfriend, but I like it even more when he takes care of me,” Robert flirted, licking his lips against the words. There was something needy brewing, and he didn’t know where it came from, but he liked where it was going.

“Well, you’re just gonna have to wait, ‘cause it’s all goin’ straight into savings,” Aaron said, breaking the tension. Robert groaned, put on, and Aaron placated him with a sarcastic, “Yeah yeah yeah, alright. But I’m serious, Robert. I wanna do somethin’ big. Like, maybe move out. Bu– buy us a h-home, or,” Aaron was mumbling, and Robert could barely hear him. “Or, I dunno. Maybe go on a holiday. Just me and you.”

Robert hummed in agreement. “Been wantin’ to take you somewhere, actually. Was thinkin’ maybe we’d go down to a beach and make a day of it if you fancy it.”

Robert heard Aaron blow out a breath and could hear the smile in his voice when he said, “Yeah. I’d love that. Never been to a beach.”

“You’ve never been to a beach?” Robert asked, shocked.

“Well, when I were little, but I can’t even remember it now. That was back when mum was still...err, yeah. I mean I know it’s not even that far, but I’ve just never been back,” Aaron defended.

The gears were turning in his head, and he was already mapping out a plan. Aaron deserved to see and experience everything the world had to offer, and Robert was going to be there with him through all of it. “Well, then I’m takin’ you. When it gets warmer, we’ll do it properly. I’m gonna show you the world, Aaron. I promise.”

29 May, 2008

If Andrew Sugden was the most annoying person on the planet, then Juliet Stoker was the most boring.

Robert was giving himself a headache from how many times he’d rolled his eyes in the past hour. They were all sitting around the table, Victoria to his right, Andy and his new girlfriend, Juliet, opposite them, and Jack at the head of it all. Flippin’ picturesque, Robert thought to himself, not for the first time.

Jack’s excitement for this “brand new chapter of Andy’s life” was making him gag. He might as well have lit sparklers and hung up a giant “Welcome to the Family!” banner for this boring boring girl. She was 18, two years younger than Robert and Andy, but she acted like she was pulled straight out of a How to Be a Housewife guidebook. She was Aaron’s age, but she was nothing like him. There was literally nothing to her.

She was dreadfully plain; she wore Hollister polos, laughed at Andy’s Borat impressions, and said things like, “I can’t wait to have children. I want ten kids, at least!” and Robert hated her.

He hated that in the hour and a half he’d known her, she hadn’t said a single interesting thing.

He hated that Victoria complimented her and that he had to sit through smooching sounds from Juliet and Andy when they thought no one was looking.

And he hated that it didn’t matter who Juliet was. She could have been an ex-con or a robot for all Jack cared. All that mattered was that she was a girl who wanted to birth millions of children to carry the Sugden name into future generations.

But more than anything, he hated that with every new thing they’d learn about her, Andy would lean over and kiss her cheek, and Jack would smile proudly at the two of them before looking over at Robert. “You need to find you a girl like this, Robert,” he’d say, and whatever food Robert had forced down would turn in his stomach, making him sick.

Robert should’ve known he wouldn’t have been able to school himself into silence the whole night. Juliet had politely, for all it was worth, told Robert that she had friends she could introduce him to. That maybe they could make a double-date of it, and Robert had scoffed. It was just a small huff of air, but there was disgust laced through it, and the sound of it echoed through Robert’s ears. He tried to ignore it, push his food around a bit to make himself look busy, but Andy kicked his shin, hard, and Robert didn’t think he’d ever forget the look on his father’s face.

There was something dangerous in him. Something Robert had to be careful not to have directed at him again.

30 March, 2009

Robert had one foot up on his chair – a bad habit he picked up from years of watching Aaron – as he scrolled through different hex codes to find the right shade of blue he wanted for his layout. No one really used MySpace anymore these days, not that it was ever much use to Robert. Aaron never had one, and his top 8 quickly became just a top 4 full of the bands he liked, but it gave him a place to play around with coding.

It was something he still liked, all things considered. Playing around with different layout styles and making “online” icons gave him a reason to pretend like his qualifications meant something. Plus, it passed the time and it was fun just as long as he didn’t think about how much further along he’d have been if things had been different.

But things weren’t different. This was the life he had, and this life had Aaron, so it had to be worth something.

By 10:00 p.m. his eyes were crossing, and he realized he hadn’t eaten anything since noon. Aaron had called him around 6 o’clock on his lunch break, he remembers that much, but everything else was mostly a blur. It was too late to be eating, but rummaging through whatever leftovers there were in the fridge sounded perfect.

There were lights on downstairs and the sounds of voices that Robert figured were Jack and Andy’s. He hadn’t actually seen much of Andy today, which had been a blessing. Robert had beat him and their dad home and had pretty much locked himself away at the computer since. He’d meant to just have a quick in and out from the kitchen, but they clearly hadn’t noticed him and listening in on their conversation was too good to pass up.

“-about maybe gettin’ one near Jules’ parent’s house. That way she’s got someone with her while I’m workin’,” Andy said as he flipped through the binder he and Jack were hunched over. “What about this one, ey?”

Jack spun the binder around so he could get a better look. “I don’t know, son. It’s only got three bedrooms, and you know how that can be. Find somethin’ a little bit bigger, even if the rooms are smaller.”

Andy nodded and took the binder back from him. “Well, this one’s not bad, but it’s gonna cost us a mint.”

“Now, I thought I told you. You worry about your missus. I’ll worry about the house,” Jack said earnestly, and the pride in his tone practically seeped through the doorway Robert hid behind, and Robert was confused.

What house? he thought as he rounded into the room, making his presence known just as Andy was thanking Jack for all his help.

“What’s all this?” Robert asked, making his way over to look at the binder they’d been sharing. Just from what he could see, there were glossy pictures of suburban houses listing the price points and all the amenities. Robert felt himself go from zero to fifty in an instant.

“You’re jokin’, right?” Robert accused, turning his head back and forth between the two men. “You’re buyin’ him a house?”

Andy pulled the binder toward himself and kept flipping through the pages, unbothered. Jack, though, stood and started collecting the dinner plates leftover from their meal. “It’s a down payment. Nothin’ to get worked up about,” he said as if Robert was overreacting.

And that was another thing Jack had started doing. It was like everything Robert said was over-emotional and dramatic, therefore requiring Jack to talk down at him like he was a stroppy child, and Robert was sick of it.

“Nothin’ to get worked up about? Since when do we have that kind of money?” Robert shot back, following his dad into the kitchen.

Jack didn’t even bother looking at him, just went about his business. “We don’t have anything, son. This is between me and Andy.”

Robert spluttered. “Oh, so it’s fuck all for me and Vic then?”

Jack turned around quickly and stood just inches away from Robert until Robert could see fire in his eyes. “Watch your tone,” Jack threatened evenly, finally giving Robert his full attention. There was contempt mixed with something like revulsion in the way Jack looked at him, but Robert didn’t let himself look away. If there was something in him that Jack hated that much, then Robert wouldn’t dare give him the satisfaction of backing down.

This is your son, Jack Sugden. Your flesh and blood and legacy.

“Where’d it come from, then?” Robert prodded, thankful beyond belief that his voice was just as steady as Jack’s.

“It’s got nothin’ to do with you,” Jack said back.

Robert rolled his eyes and shook his head. “Nah, see, it does. Because once again you’re puttin’ Andy before me, just like you’ve done every day since he got here.”

Jack shouldered him as he walked past.

“See! You can’t even deny it,” Robert called after him, following him back into the dining room where Andy sat, the binder now closed as he watched the conversation in front of him. “You put Andy above me every single time, and he’s not even your kid!”

Before Robert could think, Jack’s hands were fisted into his shirt and he was being pushed until his back hit the wall. Robert squeezed his eyes shut and braced himself, but as soon as it started, it ended. Jack broke his grip and when Robert opened his eyes he was backing away, but he still had a face like thunder.

“Don’t you even start,” Jack said, his voice low and graveled. “Andy is my son the same way that Sarah was your mother.”

Robert bit his tongue at the mention of her, and he could feel his chin wobbling and he begged his body to obey him. “The difference bein’ that mum loved us all equally when you haven’t loved me in years.”

He didn’t know what he expected, but when Jack’s eyes grew wide and he barked a laugh, Robert felt himself go cold. “That’s what you think, is it? Well, I’m tellin’ ya, I love you and your brother and your sister more than my own life, so don’t you-”

“Then why couldn’t you pay for me to go to school but you can buy Andy a house?!” Robert yelled, and he was starting to feel mad from it. “It’s all that I had left of mum and you took it from me, but oh! Precious Andy wants to move out and suddenly that’s worth diggin’ up money from god knows where just to-”

“Jules is pregnant!” Andy shouted, cutting Robert off with a booming voice. He stood up from the table and put himself in front of Jack, and the imagery of it was not lost on him. This was two against one, just like it had always been.

“Jules is pregnant,” Andy repeated, calmer. “Dad’s helpin’ me get a house so that I can start showin’ Jules that I can provide for her the way she deserves. It’s not ‘cause he loves me more,” Andy said with such disdain it was like he thought Robert was stupid for even thinking it.

But Robert wasn’t stupid.

“Of. Course. It. Is,” Robert said, punctuating each word to try and spell it out for Andy who was thicker than even Robert thought he was. “You get a girl pregnant, and dad rewards you with a house. You drop out of school and dad gives you a company car and promotes you. You’d cut class and go drinkin’ with your mates and it’s all ‘Oh, that’s just our kid bein’ a typical lad.’ You walk on water, mate.”

“You’re being dramatic,” Andy said, and Robert exaggerated surprise.

“I’m being dramatic?” He looked at Jack over Andy’s shoulder. “Do you think I’m being dramatic, dad? Then look me in the eye and tell me I’m enough. Look at me and tell me that if Andy weren’t here, you’d still have the son you always wanted,” Robert challenged, and the silence that followed was suffocating.

Jack didn’t even twitch, and all Andy could do was stress his jaw. Robert took a step forward. “There is nothing I could ever do to make you love me like you love Andy. You won’t be happy ‘til I knock up some bird and start workin’ with me hands, will you dad? I make one friend that doesn’t make me want to stick me own head in a blender, and suddenly it’s all ‘Watch out for what people will think, Robert’ and ‘It’s time for you to settle down, Robert.’”

Robert hadn’t meant to bring up Aaron, but he was part of it, wasn’t he? Sure, Jack wasn’t wrong. Robert was sleeping with and planning to settle down with a man. That much was the truth.

But the thing of it was that Jack didn’t know. All he ever did was assume and make judgements based off his own feelings without considering the feelings of anyone else.

And like a weight had dropped in his stomach, Robert froze.

I’m just like him.

The son dad never wanted because I’m all the worst parts about him.

“Whatever,” Robert mumbled, effectively done with the conversation. This was unpacking things he wasn’t even close to ready for, and he did not want to go through whatever emotional journey he was in for in front of his family.

He turned to head back upstairs, and neither man called after him, telling Robert all he needed to know.

They never wanted you there, anyway. Maybe it’s better if you’re never around at all.

18 May, 2009

From: Andy (8:17 a.m.)
If u ever come bck dont bother coming home we dont wnt u

22 May, 2009

From: Andy (9:31 p.m.)
Ur so selfsh u kno dat?

23 May, 2009

From: Andy (6:24 p.m.)
Rob at least tell me if ur alive

24 May, 2009

To: Andy (5:59 a.m.)
I’m alive.

22 April, 2009

Twenty one.

Robert laid in bed until a stream of sunlight scanned over his face and down his pillow, and he couldn’t get the thought out of his mind.

He was twenty one years old today, and he had nothing to show for it.

Robert turned onto his side and looked down at the floor of his and Andy’s room. There were half-empty boxes piled up near their closet and rolled up posters all over Andy’s bed, and it struck Robert just how much of their room was full of Andy’s junk. They’d presumably put out an offer on the house a few days ago and had gotten word about it last night, because Andy had been up since dawn moving about their room packing away all his junk. For years, Robert had dreamed of this day. The day he finally got his own room and didn’t have to share half of his life with Andy.

But it didn’t feel the way he expected it to.

Watching Andy’s stuff disappear from their room was just a cold reminder that he was still stuck there. While Andy was beginning his life, Robert was laying in the same bed he’s had since he was eight still under Jack’s roof.

Robert waited until Andy carried another box out of the room before waking up properly, checking his phone for the time. He had a couple texts from random people who always texted everyone on their birthday no matter who they were, but there was one from Aaron that Robert locked to keep safe.

From: Aaron (7:12 a.m.)
Happy birthday xx livs got plans 2 bake u a cake 2day and Sandras making dinner so get here when u can x

Robert stretched until his back cracked and let his whole body go limp. It was a Wednesday, but Robert had taken the day off when he found out Aaron and Sandra had, and Liv must’ve skipped school today. Reading the message over, he couldn’t help but smile. Living at home was hell right now, but at least he had them. Aaron’s family always put each other – and Robert – first.

It was probably too early to head over, but with Andy’s commotion, Robert didn’t see the point in staying. He hoped that Andy would be gone by the time he got back, but from the state of their room, he didn’t think so. This was just another thing Andy was useless at.

“Robert!” a voice called for him once he descended the stairs, and Victoria came running up to him, hugging him around the waist. “Happy birthday!”

Robert ruffled her hair and hugged her close. “Thanks,” he said with a smile, watching her run back over to the TV she was watching. The front door was open and Andy and Jack were going in and out of the house with boxes while Juliet set out cutlery and serving plates of food like this was her own home. She noticed him and gave him a smile, and Robert awkwardly smiled back.

Robert felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see his dad looking at the room before clapping his back again. “Son, we’re gonna need your help today.”

“With what?” Robert asked, confused. Mentally, he counted the seconds as Jack spoke, waiting for any sign that he remembered his birthday, but there was nothing. Jack was still talking, and Robert barely tuned back in to hear, “So we’ll need your van.”

Robert spluttered. “What, why? Can’t you just use yours and Andy’s?” Jack had been asking – no, telling – Robert that he would need to go to Juliet’s and load all her stuff to move into the new house. He said something else about how she was pregnant and shouldn’t be lifting, and something else about family, but Robert didn’t care about all that. “I’ve got plans.”

“Well, your plans can wait,” Jack said with finality.

“It’s just a couple things,” Juliet tried to say, ever the one to be polite. The more he got to know her, the more he felt sorry for her. She was saddled with Andy for the rest of her life. “Really, it’ll only take a few minutes.”

“See? It’s called bein’ a man. Whatever you’ve got on can wait,” Jack said, sitting down at the table and calling Victoria over to eat. “Now sit down and have breakfast first, then you and Andy can head over.”

After what felt like years, but was probably more like an hour and a half, Andy was sitting in Aaron’s seat and touching Robert’s CD visor like it was his own, and Robert couldn’t count how many times he had to slap Andy’s hand away. It was lucky that Juliet only lived minutes away, because if it had been any longer, Robert would have lost his mind.

And it wasn’t just a couple of minutes, because of course it wasn’t. It was 25 minutes waiting for her mom to come home from the shops because she hadn’t expected them so early. It was ten more minutes figuring out which boxes were “keep” and which were “leave.” Then it took a full three hours getting it all stowed away in the van, driving it over, and getting it all back out. Andy then insisted on showing Robert around the house, but even Robert had to admit it was the best part.

There’s something about being in an empty house that’s almost inspiring. There’s nothing but blank walls and wide spaces that could be filled with anything you want, and that no two people would ever have it the exact same way.

But then Andy started going on about the nursery, and after twenty minutes, Robert was over it. “Right, I’ve seen your stupid house. Can we go now?” Robert asked, swinging his keys on his finger. It was already well past 2 o’clock and when Aaron said “when you can” he probably didn’t mean this.

Andy frowned and shouldered him, muttering, “Ponce.”

“Dick,” Robert mumbled back but followed him anyway, getting back to the van after a painstaking ten minutes of Andy making sure every single window and door they didn’t even open was locked.

Robert didn’t even intend on going back inside. He meant to just drop Andy off at the drive and then head over to Aaron’s, but Jack was outside and as soon as he saw the van he waved them in. He debated for a second if the pros would outweigh the cons, and while he wanted more than anything to just see Aaron already, whatever fit his dad would throw wasn’t worth it.

When he went back inside, there was a store-bought cake and an early dinner set out on the table, and he was greeted with a half-hearted, “Happy Birthday” from Jack and Juliet. Victoria was busy eyeing the cake, and Juliet had to slap Andy’s hand away from poking at the food.

“Thanks, but I told ya, I’ve got plans,” Robert complained.

“Doin’ what? We’re your family, Robert, so you’ll sit down and spend one damn second with us,” Jack ordered, pulling out Robert’s chair with a pointed look.

Robert should have left. He was twenty one years old, he didn’t have to listen to his father about something as mundane as this, but that spark of fear that Robert didn’t want to admit was lit inside him made him walk over to the table and sit in the offered seat. It was better to stop things before his dad kicked off. Robert knew he was on thin ice, and he knew if he stepped out of line again, his father wouldn’t back away again.

Sitting at that table, Robert realized he didn’t know anything about the people who were meant to be the closest things Robert had in his life. There was Victoria, who Robert loved unconditionally. She was all the best parts of their mother, but never one to be a duplicate. She had a fire in her that was all her own, and Robert was endlessly proud of her. But, the thing was, he didn’t know her.

He didn’t know her friends, or what bands and hobbies she currently liked. He definitely didn’t know if there were any problems she was having at school or if there were any boys – or girls – that she liked. He knew her superficially, and he felt guilty for it. Because while he didn’t know his own little sister, he knew nearly everything there was to know about Liv.

She was an artist, even if she hadn’t really chosen a medium yet. She went through a phase where she would only watch old reruns of Full House. She liked pasta, but only if they were the short noodles. Her best friend was a boy named Connor that wore too much Axe body spray even though he was only nine.

He knew her like she was his own, and he couldn’t help but think that it wouldn’t be like this if his mum were still around. She had this knack for getting the three of them to talk about themselves because they knew she was listening. Jack wasn’t like that, but Robert couldn’t even fault him for it. Sarah was special, and he could only pray that Vic grew up just like her.

But if Victoria was a mystery, Andy and Jack were practically strangers. He knew the parts of them he never wanted to replicate, but everything else was the mask they wore. Jack was strong and proud, and he could level any situation with a single word. Andy was loyal to a fault and was never one to back down from what he thought was the right thing. But anyone could know that.

Robert made it a point to keep his mouth full any time there was a lull in conversation. Things were awkward, but that was to be expected. Things turned away from celebrating Robert to celebrating Andy and Juliet, but Robert couldn’t even say he minded. Victoria chatted about baby names and Andy mentioned wanting to build a clubhouse for the sprog once it was old enough.

It was uncomfortable, but it was fine, until Jack mentioned, “Maybe you could introduce her to Robert,” and Robert realized he zoned out. Juliet smiled wide and turned to Robert, nodding, and Jack continued, “She seems like a quiet girl. She could be good for you.”

“Yeah! Diana’s lovely. She-” Juliet started, but Robert had enough. He turned to his father.

“Will you back off?” he demanded, and all chatter at the table stopped. It felt like a spotlight had its target set on Robert, but he didn’t even think to play it off. “How many times do I have to tell ya?”

“Don’t you speak to me that way,” Jack threatened, and Robert just rolled his eyes.

“Or what?” he prodded at the same time Andy said, “Rob, chill out. He’s just lookin’ out for ya.”

Robert turned to Andy. “No, he’s controlling me.”

“All I’m doin’ is tryin’ to get you dating,” Jack said. “You’re too damn old to have never had a girlfriend. It’s about time you-”

“Why is it-”

“You’re always like this-”

“I didn’t raise you to be-”

“Why does it matter?”

“Rob, just listen for once-”

“Shut up, Andy.”

“Robert, mind yourself for once-”

They were talking over each other, arguing until their voices rose to a yell, and Robert could feel his throat go hoarse, but Jack was slamming his fist against the table and finally Robert had to yell, “Why?!”

Andy shut his mouth and looked at Jack who never stopped staring at Robert. “Why what?”

“Why does it matter? If I’ve never had a girlfriend, or if I’ve had 30? Why does it matter to you?” Robert asked evenly. He was well aware that Jack, no matter what, would never lay a hand on him if Juliet and Victoria were there, and this was the only chance he got. “Say it.”

It was a challenge, and Jack saw it for what it was. Robert’s entire body thrummed with tension, begging for a reason. A reason for why his dad couldn’t stand to look at him sometimes. A reason why his dad couldn’t love him the way he said he did. A reason for Robert to leave the house and never come back.

Anything.

But Jack just stared at him, and Robert knew that there was nothing there anymore. There wasn’t a single sign that his father might be okay with him; that Jack might ever accept that his son, the very one that he ridiculed for years for being too soft for a lad and had force-fed heterosexuality into like it was a vaccine, was gay.

Robert stood up, and couldn’t manage to stop the hurt in his eyes when Andy automatically stood, too, as if he thought Robert might attack their father.

I’m not the one you have to worry about.

Robert walked away from the table and grabbed his jacket on the way out before getting into his car and driving. He had nowhere specific in mind, just knew that he had to go. His first thought was Aaron’s, but he couldn’t bare it at the moment. He knew if he went over there, it’d be another family dinner with people who weren’t even his family, and it’d be questions from Liv and concern out of Aaron, and Robert really didn’t want to deal with all of that.

Eventually, he parked barely two blocks away before crawling into the back. If he drove any farther, he didn’t know if he’d be able to bring himself to turn back around.

He spent the night of his birthday wrapped in a blanket that smelled of dust and Aaron, and decidedly did not cry for the life he knew he’d never have. There was no point in wishing his father could be someone he wasn’t, just like Jack could never hope for Robert to be who he wasn’t. His mother would never rescue him and his brother would never choose his side over their dad’s. That’s just how life was.

He didn’t know when he managed to fall asleep, but it was barely 6:00 AM when Robert woke up, startled and disoriented before realizing he was in his van, and he knew he had to go back home. He had so many missed calls and texts from Aaron he couldn’t see his screen, but he still threw his phone onto his bed once he made it. Jack and Andy already left for the day, and Robert had about an hour to get ready himself before he’d go in to work.

After a shower and change, he found himself in the kitchen, the house still quiet around him. Finally he texted Aaron.

To: Aaron (6:39 a.m.)
Sorry about yesterday. I was sick n dad was being a pain. Call u l8r xxxxxx

That had to be enough for now. He felt awful for making Aaron and Sandra miss work for nothing, but he couldn’t focus on that right now. The only thing he could think about was making a plan.

He got paid on Friday, so he’d have to wait until that weekend before he could do anything. Victoria was still sleeping in Andy’s bed for now so that Andy and Juliet could have some privacy before they moved, but Andy’s stuff was everywhere around the room. Robert packing up his own stuff would hardly get noticed. He already had blankets and pillows in his van, so he’d need to just pack some other essentials.

Robert made his way to the shared bathroom and started grabbing for the paracetamol, plasters, sunscreen, and all the other odds and ends he might need. He’d save the toothbrush and such for later, but things like his jeans and a couple shirts and underwear wouldn’t be missing over a couple nights. He dumped a backpack full of clothes and miscellanea into the back of the van before heading off to work.

Thankfully, he hadn’t seen his dad at all. When he needed anything, he went through the other owner, Gary, and made it through his day quietly. He went over to Aaron’s and after countless apologies and paying gratitude to his body, thanking him for being so understanding, Aaron forgave him. Robert made a show of taking hundreds of pictures of the cake Liv baked him and praising her for it.

Aaron, to his credit, definitely knew something was up, but he didn’t question it when he had Robert clinging to him like a vice as they laid in bed. Robert didn’t go home that night. He just held on to his boyfriend and savored the moments, because come two days from then, he might not see Aaron for a long time.

19 June, 2009

The fighting started slowly. At first, there were little things that Robert could try to ignore, like the fact that Aaron was apparently physically incapable of putting things back where they belonged, but had the memory of an elephant when it came to where he put them. And that was all fine and well for Aaron, but for Robert on mornings when Aaron left at 6:00 AM and Robert couldn’t find his name tag, it was maddening. Who would have thought you could even manage to lose something in a van that small?

But then things changed. It wasn’t just that Aaron slurped or got in the van with his shoes on – even though Robert told him multiple times to leave his shoes in the front seat. It didn’t help that they had virtually no personal space and had been eating apples every morning and night for the past four days, but bickering about pointless things became shouting over the old cliché: money.

His dad had called him one time, and Robert had watched the phone ring as ice flowed through his veins. Thirty seconds later, a voicemail popped up. It took Robert seventeen hours before he built up the courage to listen to it.

‘You’re not gonna answer me? Fine. Pay your damn car insurance bill.’ The robotic voice asking him if he’d like to play the message again was the only thing tethering him to the moment. He didn’t know what he thought his dad might say, but the distinct nothingness felt like his father may as well have stabbed him in his chest.

Maybe it was that call that made Robert lose himself. He mailed the money to his dad in an envelope identical to the ones Aaron had been sending to Sandra and Liv – as much as Aaron could spare every week – and things went downhill from there. He bought himself expensive shampoo, telling himself it was a treat for paying his bills.

But nice shampoo led to nice soap, and by the end of the week Robert was talking about buying a motorhome and getting a change of scenery before Aaron nearly lost it.

“You can’t be serious,” Aaron muttered to himself as he folded the little laundry they had.

“Why not?” Robert argued. “The whole reason we started livin’ in this van was so we could see the world. So far, the only thing I’ve seen is Dolores from two houses over doing naked yoga in front of her windows ever morning. We’re young, Aaron! We’re meant to be experiencing everything the world has to offer.”

Aaron rounded on him with wide eyes. “You can’t be serious!” he repeated. “Robert, how is that going to fix anything? We’re still going to be broke. I knew you were self-centered, but this really takes it.”

“Sorry?” Robert asked, darkly.

“We’ve got jobs, Robert. We’ve got real responsibilities and you can’t just up and leave everything behind just because you want to!”

“That’s what you think I am, then? A coward?” Robert accused and Aaron threw his hands up.

“I never said that.”

“But that’s what you mean, innit? Poor little Robert’s too scared to see anythin’ through. Is that it?”

“Stop it,” Aaron said, but Robert wasn’t listening.

“Excuse the fuck out of me for wanting to get out of this town and do something nice for you. You think I don’t see how irritable and anxious you’ve been lately? You’re sad all the time, and I don’t know what to do for you. So I thought, maybe if we got a change of scenery, you’d be happy again like you were in Brighton.”

Aaron sighed, looking defeated. “It doesn’t work like that,” he muttered, already turning back to their clothes.

“Well how am I supposed to know if you don’t tell me?” Robert asked, and this time he forced his voice to be gentle. He didn’t want to fight about this. He just wanted to understand.

Aaron was quiet and Robert realized he had no intention of answering. Robert sat in the van with his legs dangling out the door and watched Aaron pull clothes off their makeshift clothesline of strings pinned to the open doors. As Aaron worked, Robert took everything in.

The half-empty jugs of water they’d have to replace soon. The cooler that Robert knew only held bruised apples, spam, and a loaf of bread. They were making money and spending it fast just trying to survive, and Robert felt the knife dig deeper into his chest.

This was his fault. Aaron should have been sleeping in a comfortable bed with a proper roof above his head and eating meals with his family. He shouldn’t be a househusband at 19 years old while also being the only one to keep them afloat. Robert promised him the world and all he managed to do was rip him from every simple luxury in life and make him so depressed he couldn’t even look at Robert without getting angry.

The worst of it was that, even now, Aaron still held him every night. Listened to Robert read and kiss him goodnight. The only reason Aaron was there was because he wanted Robert. He believed him and trusted him, and Robert let him down.

But not anymore.

Robert was going to fix things the only way he knew how.

25 April, 2009

The Saturday after his birthday, Robert got dressed in the bathroom so as not to wake Vic, and he stopped to stare in the mirror. His hair was getting too long, and Aaron had teased him for letting it get to mullet length, but Aaron was still gelling his down, so he didn’t have much leg to stand on. It struck him how average he looked and how lucky he was to have someone like Aaron love someone like him.

Well, not love like love. Well, maybe. Whatever. He shook the thought away. That was not something his sleep addled brain could think about at that moment.

He busied himself by picking out a few paperback books, a hoodie, his soap and toothbrush, and his phone charger. His junk was still everywhere, but none of it felt like it mattered. They were just things, and once Robert got himself situated, he’d have other things. Better things. Things that weren’t half Andy’s or remnants of a childhood lost.

“Robert?” Victoria’s sleepy voice called, and he turned to see her sat up in bed, hair wild and standing up every which way. “What’re ya doin’?”

Robert zipped up his backpack and shrugged. “Nothing,” he lied.

She nodded, not really listening. “Will you make me pancakes?” she asked him, and Robert couldn’t really say no. The house was still quiet, and Victoria’s bedroom door was closed, meaning Andy and Juliet were probably still asleep. Robert didn’t know where Jack was, but this was the perfect opportunity to spend time with the only member of the family he actually liked.

He helped her sit on the counter and listened to her chat about the dream she had, and he felt a tug at his heart. Looking at her, he was already missing her. No matter what, she was his little sister, and he loved the bones of her.

Still, that wasn’t enough reason to stay. More than ever, Robert needed to get out of that house and start living his life. It wasn’t even just the house. It was the neighborhood, the town, the entire city. They were suffocating him, molding him into a scared little boy one minute and an angry, near-violent man the next.

He could feel it sometimes in moments when Andy would say something ignorant and his dad wouldn’t speak where his fist would clench, and the urge to just beat the words out of them got too intense. He didn’t think for a second that he could take them. Maybe he’d get one blow in before it was lights out, but it was there, and it made Robert sick.

No, leaving was the only option. It was all he had left.

The only thing that broke his heart was Aaron. He hadn’t even told Aaron he was leaving, but he didn’t know how. ‘Oh, my dad’s being mean to me. I’m running away!’ It all seemed so childish in light of what Aaron had been through, and Robert knew Aaron. He knew Aaron would never let him leave, no matter what it took.

There was a sound of pounding steps coming down the stairs before Andy was sliding into the room, stealing food off Vic’s plate, and she whined.

“That’s not for you,” Robert snapped, shoving Andy out of the way.

Andy shoved him back, stealing another piece of food. “Grow up,” Andy taunted, and Robert shoved him again, hard.

“What, so I can be like you?” Another shove, and Andy whirled on him, grabbing his arms and forcing them away. Robert wanted a fight, needed it, so he said what he had to. “Mr. Perfect who still managed to get some slag pregnant and make daddy pay for it?”

Andy grit his jaw and lunged for him. Victoria screamed, and suddenly it was a whole commotion. The world was spinning as Robert tried to grapple onto Andy and get the upper hand, the pair of them knocking into the wall before Robert landed flat on his back, Andy’s weight holding him down. There was yelling from somewhere else, but all Robert could focus on was Andy’s red face and the way his hand held his neck, tipping his chin up.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Andy said, and there was spittle falling onto Robert’s face that he couldn’t turn away from. “Are you that desperate and jealous of me, huh?”

Robert glared at him, and he could feel his own face going red and distantly heard the front door go before Jack was yelling too. Before he could get to them, Andy pulled his focus back to him. “Or was dad right? Are you some sort of queer like he says you are?”

Jack was pulling Andy off Robert, but Robert scrambled up and caught Andy by the waist, sending him back down until his head hit the ground. Andy grabbed for Robert’s arms and Jack was pushing at Robert’s shoulder to get him away. It was all Robert had left to scream, “So what if I am?!”

The hand grabbing his shoulder tightened, but Andy’s grip completely dropped as he stared up at him with wide eyes. “Wh-what?” he stuttered, but Jack was pushing Robert away until he landed on the floor opposite Andy.

Robert’s breathing was heavy and he could hear Victoria crying. He panted, breathless. “So what if I am just some flamin’ queer? Huh?”

Hate me.

Hate me.

Just say you fucking hate me.

“Robert, you’re not,” Andy said like he hadn’t heard him right.

“What do you think? Am I queer, dad?” he mocked, feigning ignorance before dropping his face back to a scowl.

“Robert, you stop joking like that right now. You’re scarin’ Victoria.”

Robert laughed, and he sounded manic. “Why? Because her brother, your son, is bangin’ a bloke? Is that scarin’ Victoria, or is that just scarin’ you?”

Jack’s hands were hoisting Robert up until he was standing, and the smile on Robert’s face felt wild. Andy was getting up, too, but all eyes were on Jack. “No son of mine’s gonna act like this,” Jack said, low and deadly, and Robert knew this was it. He was in for a leathering, so he stepped forward, ready to take whatever it was, but Andy was knocking Jack out of the way.

Robert took a swing at Andy and managed to catch him in the ear before Andy steadied himself and flattened him, punching him straight on, right in the cheek. There was more screaming and Robert could taste blood. He looked up at Andy who was nursing his own head then back at Jack. Sound felt muffled, but Robert could hear Jack perfectly. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Jack called when Robert turned, grabbed his backpack, and left the house, spitting into the yard as he walked down the path. “Get back in this house!” his father’s voice boomed, but Robert kept walking, not daring to turn back.

He fumbled with the key, fear starting to catch up with him when Jack followed him to his van and pounded on the window. “Robert!” he yelled through the glass. Robert spared one last glance at his father and felt his hands shake as he stepped on the gas and drove away, leaving his father and whatever home he thought he had behind.

It was like his brain was on autopilot, because the next thing he knew he was outside Aaron’s house. Sandra’s car was gone from the drive, and Robert had enough mind to know that Aaron wasn’t home. He sat in his van and willed his heart to calm down, but it was racing a mile a minute. There was a fear that wouldn’t leave him that Jack had followed him, and he kept looking out the window for any sign, but there wasn’t any.

After about 30 minutes, Robert finally calmed himself down enough to open his phone and start a text.

To: Aaron
I’m sorr

Robert shook his head and deleted the text, starting again.

To: Aaron
I’m leav

He deleted it again, frustrated with himself for not thinking this part through. Finally, he opened the text again.

To: Aaron (8:27 a.m.)
I got in another fight w andy nd dad but I think its the last one. I told them im gay nd andy punched me nd dad did nuthin about it. I’m leaving 2nite I cant stay here anymore. Can I see u 2nite b4 I go? please

He snapped his phone closed and tossed it in to the passenger’s seat. After a few more minutes, Robert backed out of the drive and drove around to the nearest golf course. Then he just sat in his car and watched. There weren’t many people out, but it was still Saturday so there was something, and it’s not like Robert was paying attention anyway.

Two hours passed before his phone rang, and his gut sank at the thought of it being Jack. Gingerly, he picked up the phone and saw that it was Aaron. “Hi,” he sighed out, relieved to hear Aaron’s voice, but it didn’t last long.

“What the fuck do you mean you’re leaving?” Aaron asked in lieu of greeting, and Robert scrubbed his hand down his face.

“I’m takin’ my van and getting’ out of here. I can’t keep livin’ there with me dad.”

“You can stay with us, you know that,” Aaron offered, and he sounded desperate.

“What, crash on your couch for the rest of my life? Don’t think so mate,’ Robert scoffed at the idea. The goal was to look less pathetic, and sleeping on Sandra’s couch into his 20s wasn’t going to get him there.

Aaron huffed. “So, what? You were just gonna leave me, then? Don’t I get any say in it?” Robert could hear Aaron’s voice break, and he felt something in his soul feel like it was leaving his body.

His life was hanging on this moment, trapped between what he’d been so desperate to leave behind and the faintest glimmer of what he’d always hoped to build. Aaron was his past, his present, and his future. He couldn’t give that up now. With a whisper, he said the only thing he could. “Come with me.”

Aaron was silent. Robert continued, “We can live out of the van for a while ‘til I figure things out. Pool our money together and see the world, just like I promised you I would.”

“Robert, I can’t just leave. I’ve got Liv, and Sandra, and work,” Aaron argued, but Robert was already shaking his head even though Aaron couldn’t see.

“Aaron, please,” Robert begged. “I would have left ages ago, but I didn’t want to leave you. But now I have to go, so please Aaron. Please, just come with me. I was always always supposed to do this with you.”

Aaron was silent again, and Robert scrambled. “You don’t have to decide now. In fact, don’t decide now. Think about it. Properly. I’ll be outside at the end of the block tonight. I’ll leave at midnight. Decide by then, yeah?”

“Robert-”

“Please. Aaron, just please think about it.”

A couple beats passed before Robert heard Aaron sigh, and then there was nothing. The call ended, and Robert felt wired, like his whole body was shaking even though he wasn’t moving. His teeth chattered from the tension in his jaw, and he couldn’t relax. He focused instead on going to the shop and buying water, a few Lunchables, and filling up on petrol. He had about £750 to his name, but it would have to do.

This was it.

No matter what Aaron decided, Robert was leaving, and he just prayed to whoever was listening that Aaron would be right there with him.

9 July, 2009

Robert had made his decision, but that didn’t mean it didn’t make him feel sick, like his gut was rotting from the inside out while his chest constricted as each new day started.

He let weeks pass without making a move, but he just couldn’t bring himself to stop making excuses. First it was the heatwave. It had been absolutely miserable in the van, so they spent almost all their time off work at the pool, despite it being overrun with children and families. He told himself that he’d wait it out, and then as soon as the clouds poured back in, he’d do it.

He’d leave.

But leaving felt too harsh of a word. Robert was going to do right by Aaron and set him free. He would pack up all of his baggage – the sort you can’t just stuff away in a backpack; it’s the baggage that lingers in your heart and every recess of your mind until it becomes you – and let Aaron live the life he was meant to live.

After the heat passed, it was worrying about paychecks. Robert wanted to leave Aaron with as much money as he could. He’d need enough for some bus fair and maybe a meal or two, but the rest was all Aaron’s. He owed him that at least.

Then it was making a plan. He figured out the bus route that would take him to the nearest train station, but after that he hadn’t a clue. He knew he had family over in Ireland, but aside from the occasional phone call and yearly birthday money, his grandma Annie wasn’t exactly a staple in his life.

But, desperate times and all that.

But now it had been almost a month since he got the idea, and nearly three since they started this whole thing to begin with, and Robert knew he couldn’t put it off any longer. Andy had always called him selfish, and despite years of resenting him for it, Robert knew to his core that he was. He was selfish, narcissistic, spiteful, accusatory…

He was a mess. It was there, in his blood, inescapable. Every bit his father’s son.

Aaron deserved a life where he could speak to his sister every day without feeling guilty for leaving her, and could come and go wherever he pleased without worrying about if it was too far to walk or how much things would cost him. He deserved a life away from the disaster that was Robert Sugden.

But Robert was selfish, and he needed one last day with Aaron. It was a Thursday, one of the only days they were both off from work, and Robert wanted to dedicate every second to Aaron.

So, he woke up earlier than usual and walked down to the nearest place that would do him a fry up to go and brought it back with two coffees in tow. He propped it all up on the cooler and kissed Aaron’s temple, stirring him awake. Aaron blinked up at him, grumpy at being woken up, but his expression smoothed as soon as he saw the food.

“What’s all this?” he slurred sleepily, and Robert kissed his sleep-warm cheek.

“Wanted to treat you a bit. Don’t worry, it weren’t expensive or nothin’.”

Aaron sat up properly and rubbed his eyes, making grabby hands for the plastic forks. The started eating without ceremony, and Robert took a few seconds to watch him. It was barely seconds before Aaron was reaching for ketchup packets and getting bits of toast on his shirt, and Robert loved him.

He loved him. His mind, his heart, and his soul. He loved that Aaron was all snark and sarcasm but also had the most beautiful smile the world had ever seen and a humility to match. Aaron was selfless to a fault, and was so giving of his love when he knew the person needed it.

Aaron was everything to him, and it broke Robert’s heart.

They ate together, and Robert listened to Aaron try to describe the dreams he had and the awful customer’s he dealt with that week. After eating, they brushed their teeth and when Aaron got ready for his jog, Robert went with him.

Aaron was no doubt suspicious, but Robert couldn’t help it. So they jogged around the block, and when they got back Robert devoted himself to Aaron’s body, whispering encouragements against Aaron’s skin until Aaron was practically writhing under him. Hours later they were at it again, Robert letting Aaron explore every inch of him however he wanted. Later, they listened to Aaron’s music through the earbuds he finally convinced himself to buy, and everything was perfect.

There was a lump in his throat and a physical ache in his chest that felt like he was dying, but Aaron was happy and laughing and holding him closer than he had in weeks, and it was perfect.

“Will you read to me?” Aaron asked him once the sun had gone down and all they had were the string lights above them, painting Aaron in shadows and speckling his skin like starlight.

“Mm, yeah?” Robert questioned, already grabbing for the stack of books. By now they’d gone through all but two of them, so Robert held them out. “Lord of the Flies or The Catcher in the Rye?”

Aaron sighed, already shutting his eyes. “You choose.”

Robert put back Lord of the Flies and opened the first page to the latter. “‘If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is where I was born...’” he read, keeping his voice light until Aaron fell asleep. He watched Aaron’s face start to slack as he fell deeper into sleep, and for an hour he contented himself to just watch Aaron sleep, taking in every eyelash and the way his beard was starting to fully come in.

He thought for a second that Aaron would look really good with a full beard, and in that same instant his body chilled to the core. Like gravity pulling his soul from his chest, the weight of the uncertainty of his future sat heavily on his shoulders. He was struck with the realization that he might never see Aaron grow a beard like that.

He’d never see the way Aaron’s body would change with age, or see him into his 20s, his 30s, or ever again. Aaron would hear new music for the first time and find something in the lyrics that would change his worldview. He’d try new foods and maybe even get tattoos that would mark his skin with memories that would last his entire lifetime of things Robert would never get to know.

No. I will see you again, Aaron. I promise you that. I know all I ever do is make promises I can’t keep, but I will see you again.

He brushed the back of his hand lightly against Aaron’s forehead and down his cheek, but he couldn’t chance a kiss. He needed to leave, and he had to do it now.

The second Aaron shifted himself to get comfortable, Robert wiggled out of his grip. He held his breath, ready to make an excuse if Aaron woke up, but there was nothing but a soft snore that made Robert want to cry.

Slowly, as quiet as he could, Robert ripped off the edge of a cereal box and uncapped a pen. His hand was shaking, but he felt frozen in time. There were a million words he had to say, but nothing felt right.

In the end, he settled on just a few words before pocketing his wallet, making sure to only take the money he needed. He slipped on his shoes and grabbed one of Aaron’s hoodies – the one indulgence he’d take – and eased the door open. Everything felt cacophonous in the small space, but Aaron slept straight through it all, and if things had been different, Robert would have teased him for being able to sleep through a robbery if it had happened.

With a change of clothes, a packet of crackers, and his wallet, Robert was ready to go.

Well, no. He’d never be ready, but it was as good as it would get. He placed the note on Aaron’s work bag, reading it over once and feeling a sob catch in his throat, and he slapped a hand to his mouth to physically muffle himself from crying.

He forced his eyes shut so he wouldn’t look at Aaron. If he did, if he let himself have one last look, he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to leave.

Years later, he’d never forgive himself for not looking at Aaron. For not giving himself just one second to think again.

But this was now, and as he shut the door and nearly bolted away from the van, the words he left Aaron ran loops through his head.

Aaron,
Go home. I love you. I’m sorry.
xx Robert

And he knew the world moved on.

Seasons change, people get older, and time heals all wounds.

That’s what they tell you.

But for Aaron, all time did was break his heart over and over and over again.

23 April, 2018
TEN YEARS LATER

Aaron’s head thudded lightly against the bus window he’d been leaning on as he forced himself not to doze off. He’d never missed his stop before – the primal instinct fueled by anxiety keeping him ever-vigilant – but still, sleeping in public wasn’t a good look for him. Plenty of people had their earbuds in and their eyes squeezed shut to block off the world, but Aaron had never been able to force himself into it.

Too much time spent sleeping in sketchy places would do that to you.

The day had been way too long, and all Aaron wanted to do was go home, eat lukewarm leftovers, and pass out on the couch. That sounded like the perfect afternoon if you asked him. He usually had Mondays off but he’d been called in when the new guy had no-call-no-showed, but Aaron was glad for the extra pay. All he’d had planned was a binge watch of How I Met Your Mother and no fewer than two separate naps, so really, it was for the best.

Getting off the bus, he walked the block down to his flat, looping his headphones around his phone and shoving it away in his pocket. He lived near some vocational school, so most of his neighbors were in their late teens, finally having a home away from mum and dad. His place wasn’t much to look at – a couch with a small TV, one bedroom, and a kitchen he hardly used, but it was clean and the rent was cheap.

He had enough sense to at least kick off his shoes at the door before faceplanting into the couch, groaning as he tried to get comfortable. Sleep was already crawling its way through him, but before it took him, he remembered thinking there was too much sunlight.

Aaron felt his eyes burn as he blinked against the white glow of sunlight, his vision bursting with stars when he rubbed at them. He was on a bench swing, his legs dangling over the edge into nothingness. His stomach lurched at the drop below him, and he held on tight to the seat.

“Don’t worry. I’ve got you.” Aaron recognized the voice, and felt his whole body melt in relief. He was going to be okay. Robert would never let him fall.

The salty smell of McDonald’s chips drew Aaron’s attention, and he reached over to grab one off the plate Robert held in his lap. “Did you bring the ice cream?” Aaron asked, laughing when Robert’s nose scrunched up.

Aaron dipped his chips into the milkshake Robert offered him, looking out at the nothingness in front of them. There was nothing to see but Robert, and Aaron liked that just fine. All he needed was Robert.

But then the wind picked up, just like it always did, and Aaron felt himself tipping back until he slipped. There was weightlessness and complete silence as he fell. Above him, Robert swung like normal, oblivious as Aaron plummeted down.

Aaron woke with a choked gasp, like his heart had just been jumpstarted. He could feel his pulse thud in his throat, at he looked around to get his bearings. It took him a few seconds to realize he was in his living room, his television blocked by the glare from his window. The memory of his dream faded away, and all he was left with was the feeling of falling.

He stared up at the ceiling as he waited for his heart to stop racing. When the adrenaline started to eke out, Aaron yawned with his whole body, stretching out until the leather of the couch creaked under his weight. It wasn’t the most comfortable couch in the world, but he and it had an understanding: Aaron wouldn’t ever sell it, no matter how beat up and cracked the leather got, and in turn, it would always provide just enough support to not break his back whenever he inevitably fell asleep on it. It was a win-win.

He reached blindly for the remote and turned on whatever was on, needing background noise more than anything. He got lost in some documentary about bonobos when someone knocked on the door, nearly making Aaron jump. He muted the TV and listened, waiting for whomever it was to leave. He wasn’t going to answer the door – obviously – but he also didn’t want them to hear his television and know he wasn’t answering the door.

Aaron waited 30 seconds before unmuting the TV and losing himself in the mating rituals of what was apparently a highly sexually active species of ape. By the time talk of their eating habits started, Aaron’s stomach was gurgling. His refrigerator was a barren wasteland, and he hadn’t eaten a proper vegetable in a week, so the idea of living off of fruit and leaves didn’t sound half bad. Especially when the idea of walking all the way to the shop sounded like so much work.

But he also couldn’t eat leftover lo mein for the third night in a row.

With another audible groan, he dropped the remote to the floor and did a slow tumble off the couch. He was still in his uniform from work, but he was already psyching himself up to brave the supermarket. Changing his clothes was more than he could ask of himself.

He shoved himself into his shoes and checked his pocket for his keys. He’d barely opened his front door before he nearly fell back in surprise. There was someone sat in front of his door, someone who looked a lot like-

“Robert?” he asked needlessly as his ex-boyfriend stood up from the ground awkwardly. “What are you doing?” He heard his own voice and knew he sounded strained and nasally, but the situation kind of called for it.

“You were there the whole time? Why didn’t you answer earlier?” Robert complained, dusting off the dirt from his jeans. There was a smudge of dirt across Robert’s shoulder that he didn’t notice, but Aaron let it sit there.

“Well I didn’t know it was you, did I? Thought it was some bloke tryin’ to spread the good news about Jesus or summat,” Aaron answered, eyes wide. He spluttered. “Whatever, why are you naggin’ at me? What the hell are you doing here?”

Aaron was starting to feel sick as the vague memory of years of nightmares and the very real memory of thousands of sleepless nights came rushing back all at once, and it felt like he was having some sort of out-of-body experience.

“Can I come in?” Robert asked expectantly, but Aaron just shielded himself with the door, blocking off the entrance.

“No. What are you doing here?” he repeated.

Robert looked down at the ground and laughed silently. “Still stubborn as ever. You haven’t changed,” he teased and Aaron froze. Suddenly the fog of surprise lifted and the world was crystal clear as he was reminded of exactly why Robert Sugden was enemy number one.

“Fuck you,” he cursed. Robert’s head practically snapped up so he could look at him. “God, fuck you. Who do you think you are that you get to stand there and pretend like you still know me? You know nothing about me.”

“Aaron-”

“I’ve had a whole life without you, mate. I got me a roof over my head, a car that actually works, and food on the table every night, and you know who did that? Me! By myself.” Aaron watched Robert’s face drop, and he was spurred on by the moment. Without thinking, he kept talking. “And guess what? While you were off doing god knows what, I was off getting married!”

That seemed to shake Robert of his stupor because suddenly he was scowling. “You what?”

“Yeah,” Aaron laughed despite there being nothing funny about it. “But you’d know nothin’ about it, would you? You couldn’t be bothered to give a damn about me before, why would you start now?”

“That’s not true-”

“Oh, it’s not true?” Aaron said in mock astonishment. “Could’ve fooled me.”

Aaron’s chest was rising and falling fast, and he felt winded from his own anger. He could feel himself coming down from the high of it, so he chased the feeling as long as he could. “You don’t get to come ‘round here. All you’ll do is mess it up. I won’t let you do that again.”

Robert just kept blinking at him, and Aaron could’ve throttled him. Rolling his eyes, he shifted his weight until Robert finally got the clue that he could talk.

“Did you practice that?” he asked, and Aaron just squinted at him, dumbfounded. “It’s just, that sounded like you’d been wanting to say it for years, so-”

Aaron slammed the door in his face.

“Wait, Aaron!” he could hear Robert call from behind the door before the knocks started, but Aaron couldn’t look at him right now. Instead, he bolted the door and squeezed his head in his hands in frustration. The knocking kept going, so Aaron just went to his couch and let Robert beg. Serves him right he thought to himself, searching the cushions for the remote.

After about a minute, the knocking stopped, and Aaron finally breathed. He had to force himself not to stand up and look through the window to see if Robert was still there. After another minute of silence, there was another, gentler knock on the door, and Aaron gave in.

He undid the deadbolt and waited a second, collecting himself, before opening the door again.

“I’m an idiot,” Robert said right away. “I don’t know why I said that. Robert Sugden sticks his foot in it again, shocker.” Aaron simply raised his eyebrow, waiting. “Aaron, please. I’m sorry.”

There was something different about Robert. Obviously the universe was cruel and had managed to make Robert even more attractive than he already was, his nose still kissed with freckles but his frame fuller now, like he’d grown into his body over the years. But there was something unsettling there too, like a shiny veneer that coated everything he said in a tacky wax.

His apology, however rushed it had been, felt like the first genuine thing Robert had said all afternoon. Aaron felt himself relax, accepting it for what it was. He was still on edge, but for now he could look past it.

“Can I please just talk to you?” Robert asked him, and Aaron’s grip on the door tightened.

“No,” he said again before clarifying. “At least not now. I need to get my head ‘round all this.”

Robert nodded and looked at him again, but only for a second. Then, he asked, “Do you have a pen?”

“What?”

“A pen?” Robert repeated, doing a little hand gesture as if Aaron didn’t know what a pen was.

Aaron left the door open, hoping Robert would know better than to follow him inside, and went through his flat looking for one. He came up with only a Sharpie which he tossed to Robert who barely caught it. He scribbled something on a piece of paper before handing it to Aaron.

It was a business card with what was probably his cell number written on the back. “Call me. When you’re ready. Whenever,” Robert said. Aaron turned the card over in his hand before nodding. Robert nodded back and sighed out once before backing up and turning to walk away.

Aaron watched him walk away, but there was an itch that wouldn’t let him leave without calling out, “Robert!”When he turned, Aaron gave him a small smile. “Happy birthday,” he said, and pretended like the smile that raised Robert’s cheeks didn’t make his heart pound out of his chest. Robert gave him a tiny wave, and Aaron shut the door without another glance.

29 May, 2018

That business card was mocking him.

Aaron had gone into the kitchen to grab a beer before bed, but the card – now ripped apart and taped back together – was mocking him from behind the tiny square magnet on the fridge, and Aaron hated it.

He hated the glossy gold lettering advertising Donovan’s Custom Suits and Tailoring. He hated that it advertised to “ladies and gents.” He hated that he did a bad job taping it back together so there was a bit of tape that wouldn’t stay down.

Mostly, he hated the stupid handwriting hidden on the back. It was what sent the card into the bin in bits in the first place when Aaron couldn’t stand the sight of it. Everything about Robert had felt different now that he had time to process it all out. For starters, he was taller and blonder than Aaron remembered. He spoke with a different cadence and apparently dressed in button downs. Robert missed years of Aaron’s life, but Aaron also missed his.

What hadn’t changed, though, was the handwriting. It was the same barely legible scrawl that doodled nonsense on Aaron’s shoes and wrote out maths notes on the margins of Aaron’s homework when he didn’t want to bother with a calculator.

It was the same handwriting that wrote nine words on a torn cereal box and left him without a trace, stranded and heartbroken for years.

He was bitter, but he deserved it.

Aaron took a sip from the bottle and leaned against the counter, staring the card head-on before pulling out his phone. Setting his beer down, he ripped the card from where it hung and dialed the number on the back, tossing it onto the counter as the phone rang in his ear.

He glanced at the microwave – 10:27 p.m. – and started pacing as the phone rang and rang, before-

“Hello?” Robert answered, but Aaron remained silent. He stared up at the light above him and nearly hung up when Robert asked, “Aaron?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Smooth. “Um. Yeah, it’s me.”

“Hi,” Aaron could hear the smile in Robert’s voice, but ignored the rush it made him feel.

Focus. “Yeah, so I think I’m ready to meet you? Not- not now, just-”

“Yeah, no, of course. Where?”

Aaron really hadn’t thought that far ahead. A pub or a café were his first instinct, but they’d both be too noisy for what was probably going to be a pretty serious conversation. “There’s this pizza place not too far from where I’m at. I’ll get the address and text it to you.”

“I’ll be there. I’m off Saturday and Sunday.”

“Next Sunday then. Like, 2:00 work for you?” It wasn’t lost on Aaron how cordial he sounded on the phone when he was nervous, and this had the added benefit of his gut turning itself over every time Robert so much as said a word.

“Perfect. I’ll see you, Aaron.”

Aaron hung up without a goodbye.

Sunday came faster than Aaron would’ve liked. Usually it would have been a goddamn miracle for his workweek to fly by, but with every night Aaron’s mind couldn’t rest with thoughts of what Robert was going to say or how Aaron would be able to handle sitting with him for what could possibly be hours. What if the more he talked with Robert, the less he missed the idea of him?

Or, what if when they talked, Aaron would remember why he spent four years – More. It was much more than that. – wishing he could spend the rest of his life by Robert’s side.

This was all way more trouble than it was worth.

His nerves made him get to the restaurant too early, and he hoped the waiter didn’t think he was waiting for a date or anything. Not that it mattered what the waiter thought. He just didn’t want anyone misconstruing what today meant. He was just there to talk to his ex-boyfriend about why their relationship from nearly a decade ago didn’t work out.

Like any other normal afternoon.

Natural sunlight lit the room through the giant floor to ceiling windows making the place seem homey. Generic Italian music – the type that played in every pizzeria across the nation – bounced off the faux exposed-brick façade. Aaron made a mental note to bring Liv here next time she visited. She was in a phase right now where she was experimenting with light in her art, so maybe she’d get some sort of inspiration out of this place. Or, maybe not. He knew nothing about art.

Aaron was lost in a daydream, lulled by passing cars and the comforting smell of pasta and spices, so Robert’s voice coming up behind him was startling, to say the least. Aaron turned to look at him, immediately noting the blue sports coat and overly charming smile as he thanked the hostess who led him to Aaron’s table. He sat up straight-

No, too eager.

He slouched over, his hand cradling his neck as he watched Robert shake the host’s hand. Robert stood for a second, hovering, but when Aaron made no move to stand, Robert sat down across from him.

“Sorry about the wait. Parking was a nightmare,” Robert apologized, and Aaron’s skin crawled with how fake he sounded. Aaron dodged the eye contact Robert tried to make, looking from the ironwork on the walls to the complimentary red pepper flakes on their table. He was anxious, that wasn’t a surprise, but he hadn’t expected the way his hackles rose at every little thing Robert did.

Robert was apparently the type to constantly flip his menu back and forth despite there only being two sides, sighing loudly with every flip, as if the menu was personally offending him. He was also the type that drummed his fingers on the table, and maybe Aaron was oversensitive, but he was seconds away from snapping.

“Would you quit-” Aaron started to complain, but the waiter interrupted him to take their order. Aaron pointed to something without looking, but Robert took his time, asking for recommendations and Aaron just watched him in bemusement. Whoever this person was sitting in front of him, it wasn’t Robert.

When the waiter left, Robert managed to catch Aaron’s eye. “It’s warm out today, thank god for that,” he said offhandedly, looking out at the street and Aaron looked, too, before shrugging.

“Yeah.”

“Did you watch the news this morning? It was fascinating,” Robert continued, his voice buttery and plastic. “Apparently there was a fire-”

“What are you doing?” Aaron interrupted, and Robert trailed off, confused.

“What do you mean?”

Aaron shook his head, bewildered. “I thought when you said you wanted to talk, you meant about somethin’ important. Why’ve you brought me here just to talk about the weather? What is this?”

Robert’s mouth twitched downward, the veil of his put-together demeanor slipping again. Aaron fixed him with a pointed look, watching as the gears turned in Robert’s mind. It was like he was physically struggling to keep up this put-upon version of himself, but Aaron refused to back down. He was here to talk to Robert, not this stranger in front of him.

It was Robert that broke the eye contact first, staring at his water cup in favor of Aaron’s scrutiny. He thought maybe he would like the way Robert squirmed uncomfortably against his own ruse, but really, it just made Aaron sad.

There had to be something left of the man he loved.

“Just- say what you came to say,” Aaron said with finality, watching Robert close his eyes to collect himself, and there it was. That glimmer of the Robert Aaron knew so long ago. It felt like a lifetime away now, but his Robert was there. Somewhere.

He was a hypocrite and he knew it. He’d boasted about being a new person that Robert could never know, but at any sign of change in Robert, Aaron felt sick with longing.

“I came to tell you that I was sorry,” Robert started.

“Yeah, I got that,” Aaron bit out with more malice than he’d intended, but he couldn’t take it back now.

Robert breathed out slowly. “R-right, obviously,” he stuttered out, clearly nervous, and Aaron took pity on him. He let Robert gather himself on his own time. “Well, uh, I’m 31 now, and I guess I’ve just been putting my life into perspective. I’ve done a lot of things I regret, and I kept finding you at the top of the list,” Robert said.

Aaron stared blankly. “You ‘regret’ me?”

“Wha- no! No, I mean I regret what I did to you. I should have told you I was leaving,” Robert admitted, and Aaron couldn’t mask the hurt on his face, but Robert kept going. “Honestly, I shouldn’t have ever brought you with me. It was selfish of me. You know, I, um, I came back there after a while, but you were gone. Obviously you were gone, but I just remember being happy that you moved on.”

It was like the air had been sucked out of Aaron’s lungs and he was left choked and gasping, his reality collapsing around him. There were a lot of things Aaron didn’t understand about that night. Robert had been the perfect boyfriend up until the night he left him, and Aaron had ripped himself apart wondering what he’d done to ruin that. He’d even admitted to himself that Robert must have planned to leave him all along. But he’d fooled himself into believing – genuinely believing – that no matter what happened at the end, Robert had wanted him.

So words like “regret” swirled like poison through him.

“You shouldn’t have ‘brought’ me?” Aaron asked slowly, his voice dangerously low. “Like I was some sort of property?” He could hear the start of tears muddying his voice, and he bit his cheek hard to ground himself.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Robert defended, sounding agitated, but Aaron wasn’t listening.

“You really are an idiot, aren’t you?” Aaron asked, disgusted. He stood up and got out his wallet, throwing a fiver onto the table. “If that’s your idea of an apology, then I’ve heard it mate, but you ain’t forgiven.”

Without giving Robert a chance to backtrack, Aaron left the restaurant. It was his turn to leave first this time.

4 missed calls

Aaron, it’s me. Please pick up.

I’m sorry. I don’t know why I keep messing this up, but please let me try again. Call me.

I don’t want to keep bothering you. I just need you to know that what you said wasn’t true. I do know you, Aaron, and you know me, too. It’s why this is weird and it’s why we need to talk. I’m not expectin’ anything, really. I just want you to listen to me. Just let me try one more time and I sw-

I got cut off, but, uh, please just call me. Please, Aaron.

To: Robert (12:17 a.m.)
Meet me at that park down the road from your work on Sunday. 7pm

From: Robert (12:17 a.m.)
Deal

From: Robert (1:39 a.m.)
Thank you.

10 June, 2018

The drive up to Robert didn’t take as long as Aaron had hoped it would. Weeks ago, when Aaron had first gotten the card off Robert, he’d intended to just Google the business, see what was up. An hour later, he’d been up and down the satellite view in Google Maps seeing what different roads and avenues Robert might’ve taken to get to work. The worst of it, though, was just how close Robert worked to where Aaron was.

Sure, it was still nearly an hour’s drive away, but that still felt way too close for Aaron. For years, he’d pictured Robert off in different countries, gallivanting the world like he’d promised Aaron they would. He pictured him trying every new food he could in Guam, learning new languages across Eastern Europe, landing himself in deserts and plains across America.

Never did Aaron think Robert was still stuck in Manchester, just like him.

It felt like a betrayal.

Aaron shook his head and looked up at the red light, waiting for it to go green. Being idle like this was killing him. There was nothing to stop the thoughts running circles through his mind.

Like why he’d chosen this area in the first place. The entirety of knowing Robert was spent in Aaron’s space. Only once – once – in four years did Aaron ever see Robert’s home, and that had been awkward from the walk up the driveway until well into the night when they had laid down in Aaron’s bed. Robert always insisted on coming to Aaron’s, and never did they spend any time in Robert’s neighborhood despite it being just as far for Aaron as Aaron’s was for Robert.

Aaron had thought that Robert was ashamed of him. It had made sense, at first. There was always something more between them, something he thought was unnatural at that time, and Aaron got it. Broadcasting his feelings for Robert was the last thing he ever wanted to do, but then it started to feel ridiculous. He started to feel like a dirty secret of Robert’s. He’d go to Aaron and take what he wanted, and then go home to his normal life.

Years of child therapy never stopped him thinking the worst of people.

Finding out that it was Robert’s family that Robert was ashamed of knocked the wind out of him. Suddenly it was him that made Robert’s life normal. It was being together that felt like the most natural thing in the world, and Aaron had felt guilty beyond belief for assuming the worst in Robert.

Still, he had been left out of a part of Robert’s life for years while Robert knew every single part of his life down to the rot that, to this day, kept trying to consume him.

Robert knew everything then, and Aaron would be damned if he let it happen again. Aaron would know Robert’s life, even if was for the last time.

Pulling into the park felt weird. Robert was already there, sitting on the boot of a silver Ford Fiesta that would have broken a young Robert’s heart. It was nearly sunset, and Aaron wondered if Robert saw the symbolism in it. Aaron hadn’t realized until it was too late, but he was trying to recreate the day they met. Well, not the first day, when Aaron had been a dick and Robert had been nothing but a blur.

No, he wanted it to be like that night in the park, when it felt like Robert was the only other person in the world. Maybe it was stupid, but he needed that for closure.

Aaron parked beside Robert’s car and got out, motioning for Robert to scoot over so he could sit beside him. They were way too heavy for this, and the metal gave under Aaron’s added weight, but neither moved. Wind blew through the trees and the shadows dance along the grass, making it shimmer. He tugged the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands and looked up, happy for the longer days of June. White clouds smudged over the cerulean sky as the summer sun finally started to set, but it was still early.

He wanted their arms to touch. Maybe then things would feel easier, like they always did before, back when all he needed was to know Robert was there to make him feel like he could do anything.

But Robert wasn’t there, and that was the point of all this, wasn’t it?

“Was the drive alright?” Robert asked, breaking the silence, and when Aaron didn’t hold back his scoff, Robert got defensive. “What? What have I done now?”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “Nothing. It was fine,” he answered shortly, the tension rolling up his spine and down his shoulders.

“I’m just being polite,” Robert argued.

“No, you’re being condescending. And since when were you polite?” Aaron asked.

Robert spluttered. “Condescending? How is that condescending? You drove an hour to get here, I was just askin’ if it went okay.”

“Well you made the exact same drive twice already. You should already know it was fine.” Aaron knew he was picking a fight, but he couldn’t help himself.

“Is this how it’s gonna go? I say something and you immediately turn it ‘round on me?” Robert shook his head and looked up at the sky as if he were asking God for help. Aaron huffed.

“The drive was fine, Robert. That was fine, the weather is fine, my job is fine. Is that good enough for you?” The sarcasm oozed out of Aaron, and he never did grow out of that snark. “This was a mistake,” he sighed, getting off the car.

“Wait,” Robert called, grabbing Aaron’s shoulder to keep him from running. Aaron looked at his hand then up at Robert who pulled back quickly. He groaned loudly, shielding his face in his hands. “Argh, why is this so hard?” he asked to no one in particular.

Aaron worked his jaw, fighting the urge to say something. He knew if he did, it’d set him off. In yelling or in tears, he wasn’t sure, but he bit the inside of his cheek until it burned and waited.

And waited.

When Robert spoke again, Aaron had already joined him back on the boot. “Do you remember the first time we kissed?” Robert asked him, his voice barely a whisper. “Not at your house, but the first time?”

Aaron was desperate to hold onto his anger, but he hadn’t expected that. He nodded slowly, clearing his throat. “Yeah. ‘course I do,” he answered. There are some memories that, no matter how much they meant in the moment, will always be lost. Aaron doesn’t remember what songs they listened to the night they first had sex. He doesn’t remember what Robert was wearing the last time he saw him. He doesn’t even remember much about their second kiss – the one that officially made them a “couple” for all it was worth – but he remembers the first.

He doesn’t know if he’d ever been so terrified and then immediately relieved as he had been then. He’d expected Robert to freak out, tell him he got the wrong idea and blame it on the cheap beer, but the freak out never came. Instead, Robert decidedly didn’t freak out, and for the first time in Aaron’s life, he felt safe.

“It’s weird, but, this feels just like that,” Robert said.

Aaron furrowed his brow and looked at Robert. Robert was already looking back at him, and Aaron had to bite his tongue to focus. “How’d’you mean?”

“There’s a million ways this can go, and I just know- I can feel it. Things are going to change, forever. I told you it’s weird, but it was weird then, too.” Robert sounded so earnest, and Aaron couldn’t help but agree. This moment was on the precipice of something, teetering back and forth, but Aaron had no idea what was on the other side.

He tapped his thumb and pinky back and forth against his knee as he weighed his options before deciding to take the plunge. He jumped off from Robert’s car and went to his own, unlocking it and ducking inside to grab his wallet he kept in the cup holder. It was a bad habit, but right now he was grateful for it. Robert’s warmth had started to overwhelm him and he needed a moment’s break.

Still, he joined him back on the boot, this time pulling out the folded piece of cardboard he’d kept in his wallet for years. Aaron knew Robert didn’t need to ask. They both knew what it was.

Robert’s note.

“I didn’t leave,” Aaron said before the silence could drag on.

Robert seemed lost in thought, because he visibly shook himself. “What?” he asked.

“I never left that town. Well, I mean, obviously I did eventually, but it was years,” Aaron shared.

“I- what?” Robert asked again, dumbly, but Aaron couldn’t blame him for it.

“I had a job, for starters. D’you remember, I was workin’ at that Wickes? Well, actually, let me start over. About a few weeks after you left, I called Sandra. I was sendin’ her that money, but I never even knew if she was gettin’ it. She told me she had but that she didn’t need it. Liv started secondary school, so she didn’t need watching anymore, so I took it she didn’t need me anymore.

“I knew I was just usin’ it as an excuse to stay. I could’ve left, but Wickes, they made me assistant manager, so I thought, ‘Well I can’t leave now.’ I was makin’ decent pay, and no one was makin’ a fuss of me bein’ there, so I just stayed. Took me months before I could admit I was waitin’ for you to come back,” Aaron confessed.

Every day had been worse than the one before, then. If he wasn’t angry, he was depressed, and if he couldn’t bare being either, he was just numb. Aaron had had his heart broken worse than that by someone that was meant to love him more than anything, so he thought he was ready. Sure, he thought he had years before Robert would move on from Aaron, but he thought he would be okay.

And, maybe he was. It had nearly killed him, but he got there in the end.

“When you didn’t, I sold the van for peanuts and got a one bedroom flat that was barely bigger than the van itself. Stayed there for nearly two years before they gave me the choice to stay on as manager there or move out to Wembley and manage a shop out there, which I did. Hated every second of it, but- err,” Aaron trailed off.

Don’t stop there. Not when you’ve gotten this far, his mind yelled at him.

“That’s when I met Samir. My husband. Ex-husband,” Aaron said, finally turning to look at Robert.

“Wait, you actually got married?” Robert asked with the ghost of a laugh. “I thought you were just windin’ me up.”

“I wish,” Aaron smiled, despite himself. “But nah. He was buildin’ himself a deck in his backyard, so when he kept comin’ back to the shop, I didn’t think anything of it. Turned out he was just comin’ in to talk to me. We dated for six months before he proposed,” Aaron said, scratching at his nose and laughing. It had been ridiculous. Samir had been wracked with nerves, and Aaron had known something was up from the start. There had been candles and way too much spice in the soup Samir had prepared, but it had been nice. Aaron would never deny that.

“He had a house, a family that liked me well enough, a French passport-” and he was nothing like you “-so when he asked, I didn’t see any point in sayin’ no.”

Robert squinted at that. “Did you love him?” he asked, and it should have been intrusive, and maybe it still was.

Still, Aaron answered, “Yeah. For a while, at least. Not as long as he deserved, but longer than I thought I could.” Aaron chewed on his lip, shrugging. “Got married at 21 to the second guy I ever dated, changed my name to Aaron Bourdon, got divorced by 24, changed my name again to Aaron Dingle, and now here we are. What a catch I am.”

“Why’d it end?”

Aaron smirked at Robert’s not-so-subtle prying. “He wanted to move back home. Like, home home, back to Lyon. And I just didn’t want to spend the rest of my life following him, so I went back home, too.”

Aaron could practically hear the cogs turning in Robert’s head. “Do you still speak to him?” Robert asked.

“Nah. Don’t see the point. Either he’s doin’ great, or he’s not, it’s really got nothing to do with me. Neither of us put up much of a fight when it was over, and it’s not like we were ever friends to begin with.”

Robert nodded. “So, you went home? To Sandra’s?”

“Yeah. Sandra was well into her pills by then, and I could’ve killed her for lettin’ Liv grow up like that, but I weren’t around either. And Liv, she was way too much like me at her age.”

Finally, Robert laughed. “So, moody with way too much cheek?” he teased, and Aaron elbowed him. “She’s 19 now?”

“Yeah,” Aaron smiled and his pride for her had him glowing. “She’s doin’ like, professional graffiti or something. I know she does murals, at least. When she left home, so did I. Been livin’ where I’m at now ever since.”

Robert hummed in acknowledgement. “I actually went ‘round there looking for you. To Sandra’s. Thought it might take more convining to get your address, but she gave it to me right away. Glad she even remembered me, if I’m honest.”

“I figured as much. Dunno how much Liv’ll remember you, though. Soz.” Robert frowned, and Aaron changed the subject. “Well, go on then. What’s your story?”

Thankfully, Robert didn’t try to evade the question. “After I- after I left, I had literally no money. I remember, I just took my ID and enough for the bus and maybe a train, but I know I left the rest with you. Other than that, I really had no plan.”

“You didn’t even have a plan?” Aaron asked, and there was that hurt again. He could hear it in his voice and see it in the way Robert’s eyes shut. “Were you that desperate to go that you didn’t even think about where you were going?”

“I’m not proud of it Aaron,” Robert argued. “But what other choice did I have?”

“You could’ve talked to me!” Aaron shouted, and okay, they were fighting. “You could have told me you were unhappy or that you wanted to leave. But, of course you can’t do that. No, instead, Robert Sugden did what he does best. He gets to make the decisions. Forget what anyone else might want, right?”

“It wasn’t easy! It’s not like I wanted to go crawlin’ to my nan and embarrass myself asking for money. I didn’t leave you because I wanted to end up working at a GameStop next to the University I spent my whole life praying I’d get into. I did what I thought I had to, but I never wanted any of it.” Robert looked exhausted. His voice had rose to a yell, but halfway through it dropped, and he just sounded tired.

Aaron didn’t know what to say. Everything just came back to the same thing. Robert should have done this. Robert should have done that.

“Then what?” Aaron prompted. He was tired, too, but Robert’s story wasn’t done.

“Then I met Lizzie,” Robert said.

“Lizzie?” Aaron repeated, and the question – “a girl?” – weaved between the lines, loud without ever being spoken.

“Err, yeah. I’m bisexual,” Robert confessed, and Aaron didn’t know what to say, so he just said, “Oh.”

Robert turned and smiled sadly. “I think I always knew I was, but I didn’t want to accept it. Being gay felt easier, somehow. Like I was just able to like blokes- like you. I used to think liking girls meant my dad was getting his way. It was something I was supposed to do. But I got older and realized it wasn’t like that at all. I just liked girls the same way I liked guys.”

If Aaron was honest, he didn’t understand. His feelings for guys had always been black and white, even when he drove himself mad trying to deny it. But just because he didn’t understand didn’t mean Robert didn’t feel it.

“Okay,” he said, accepting Robert’s truth.

Robert smiled fully now, like a weight had been lifted. “Yeah, so I met Liz and suddenly it was like I cared about things like Hemingway and scotch and quinoa. Learned how to cook properly for her, and then she left me for some bloke who played disc golf, but I got to keep the house, so that was alright. But that was it. I dated around, drank too much, and thought about you every single day.”

Aaron’s body sagged. “Don’t,” he warned quietly.

“Why? It’s true. I’d hear that old Sublime song and feel like I was still laying on your bed. It’d rain and I’d think about that night, with the storm? When we couldn’t even go into work because it was comin’ down so hard, so we just watched Gladiator on my portable DVD player until it died and you fell asleep. I’d kiss someone on the mouth and feel like I was being unfaithful to you. You were everywhere, Aaron. And it was my fault I felt that way.”

Aaron squeezed the note until the cardboard bent, the words searing into his skin, branding him. “I thought you said you never should have ‘brought’ me?” he asked, relishing in the bite to his words.

“I didn’t mean to say it like that,” Robert tried.

“Yeah, but you did. The way I see it, we only ever did what you wanted, and I was meant to just go along with it all like I was your pet. I was your partner Robert. When you wanted to buy that shit van off some dodgy bloke you barely knew, I pitched in my savings and helped get it. When you called and gave me that ultimatum to leave my family and life behind just so that I wouldn’t lose you, I did it. I went because I trusted you. I trusted what we had. And then you decided that none of that mattered and just left me with that stupid piece of paper!”

Aaron balled up the note and chucked it, watching the wind blow it away with the leaves and dirt. “What was I meant to do with that?” Aaron yelled, jumping off the boot and pointing toward where it went. “I woke up that morning and felt like I died, Robert.”

“I came back for you-”

“You shouldn’t have left me in the first place!” Aaron whirled around to face him. “You were my whole world, Robert. And you just left me like I was nothing. Like we were nothing,” Aaron shouted, feeling his voice go hoarse.

Robert stared right at him, and Aaron could feel his legs shaking. “I wasn’t,” Robert said lowly, his voice far too sturdy in light of Aaron’s screaming. “I wasn’t your whole world, Aaron. I wasn’t even close.”

“How can you even say that? I gave up everything to be with you.”

“That doesn’t mean I was it, though,” Robert argued, pushing himself off the car until he was only feet away from Aaron. “You had an entire life outside of me, an entire world! You had a little sister who worshipped the ground you walked on and a stepmother who risked her own safety to protect you and raise you. You had a job! It was crap, sure, but you had one. One that helped you pay the bills that your sister and step-mother relied on. So don’t you dare say I was your whole world because I didn’t even come close.”

“Robert,” Aaron started, but Robert cut him off.

“But for me, you were it, Aaron. I had Vic, but she was too old to care. Plus, she had Andy. What did I have? A piece of paper that said I got my qualifications for a school I couldn’t even go to. A piece of paper, that van, and you. And I,” Robert paused. “You,” he tried again, but trailed off. His pale cheeks were flushing red, and Aaron knew his heart was pounding.

Aaron’s hand shook as he brought his thumb to his mouth to chew at the dead skin by his nailbed. He couldn’t look away. Not when Robert was this close to something important.

“I loved you,” Robert whispered out. “W-we were in love.” It wasn’t a question, but Aaron nodded anyway, slowly. Aaron watched Robert shut his eyes and take a breath, the rise and fall of his chest no doubt an allusion to the racing of his heart. “We never said, but…” Robert swallowed hard, and Aaron’s eyes burned, his lips chapping from his heavy breaths. He didn’t know when his own heart started racing.

Robert looked at Aaron like he was seeing his soul. “We were,” Aaron agreed, his voice barely more than a whisper. “We were in love.”

Robert’s chin wobbled as he braced himself against the sob caught in his throat. Aaron knew. He felt his own lips turn down as he bit his tongue, and he knew.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever love someone as much as I loved you then,” Robert confessed, his voice watery. “Even now, with you standing there in front of me just as beautiful as the last time I saw you, I know it in my heart. I’ll never love someone the way I loved you then, Aaron.”

Aaron’s chest hurt. “What do I do with that?” he asked, needing Robert to tell him. But Robert just shrugged, and Aaron felt his own tears start to fall.

“You think I had this whole life outside of you, but Robert. You were part of it all. Liv loved you. Sandra kept asking about you, tellin’ people how good you were in school. She was dead proud of you, just like I was. And I kept those stupid jobs so that we could have a place of our own, even if it was that disgusting van.”

“You loved that van.”

“I loved you,” Aaron shot back, shutting Robert up. “You were in every part of my life, Robert. And the fact that you didn’t feel that? I know I never told you, but I didn’t know I had to. I just thought you knew.”

“I knew,” Robert said quickly, desperately.

“And I knew, too. That’s why I still can’t understand how you could have just left me like that. We were happy. At least, I thought we were.”

“We were. I just wasn’t happy with myself. I promised you I’d take care of you, and then what? We were broke, cold, starving, and I didn’t see a way out. All I saw was that I was killing you, and I thought because Sandra and Liv still loved you that you would go home. I never thought you’d stick it out.”

Aaron pointed at Robert, starting to feel hysteric. “See, that’s what I don’t get! You keep saying I had a home to go back to, but you did, too.”

“I couldn’t go back-”

“Not with them,” Aaron stopped him, not willing to give Jack or Andy the time of day. “I meant with me. With me, and Liv, and Sandra. We could have been your family.”

Robert scoffed. “What, forever?”

“Yes Robert, forever. What we had was different and you know it. I’ve had other relationships- I was married for God’s sake, and it still didn’t feel close to what we had.”

“But, if I hadn’t left, we wouldn’t have known that,” Robert tried, and Aaron nearly whacked himself when he threw his arms up.

“Or, maybe we would have. Maybe we would have come home and got completely sick of each other and ended things on our own. Who knows? But it would have meant we at least tried. You were my best friend, Robert. We would’ve figured something out. But you gave up on us.”

Aaron felt defeated.

The commotion around them settled as the passing cars grew fewer and fewer, and Aaron just felt defeated. The fight had left him, leaving his body fatigued. He leaned his hip against the back of his car, wiping his forearm across his eyes and scrubbing at them with the back of his hand.

Robert leaned on his own car. “How do I fix this?” he begged, and Aaron wasn’t sure if he was even asking him or maybe something greater than the both of them.

“You don’t. You can’t. There’s no fixing it, Robert. We just- we just move on,” Aaron answered, the truth of it like ash in his mouth. Robert scoffed, but Aaron shook his head. “No, Robert, I mean it. We have to move on. I can’t live in this weird limbo with you for the rest of my life.”

“How?” Robert asked again.

“I don’t know,” Aaron admitted. “But we have to try.”

Robert hung his head, and Aaron had to leave. If he stayed, he’d say anything to stop Robert from looking like that. Like Aaron was another person lost in his life. The inevitable story of Robert Sugden.

Aaron got into his car. The heat of June had soaked into the upholstery, but still Aaron sat, unable to turn on the car until he said one last thing.

“Robert,” he called before he stood back up, looking over the top of the car at him. “Don’t be a stranger.” The words felt awkward, like they were plucked from the end of someone else’s dramatic monologue, but when Robert looked up at him, eyes reflecting blue and green in the light, Aaron knew it was right. He tapped the top of his car once and got back in, not letting himself look back.

12 June, 2018

From: Robert (2:42 p.m.)
Did you mean it? When you said not to be a stranger?

To: Robert (2:42 p.m.)
I meant it
Im not saying we just pretend nothing happened
I forgive u but it doesnt change anything
But if u want we can try to know eachother again

From: Robert (2:43 p.m.)
Yeah please

From: Robert (2:51 p.m.)
So
Top 5 favourite movies from the last decade?

27 June, 2018

To: Robert (7:31 p.m.)
open.spotify.com: I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves…
You’d like that one.. its a fall out boy cover

3 July, 2018

To: Robert (12:10 p.m.)
Do you ever talk to them?
Your dad or Andy?

From: Robert (12:15 p.m.)
Andy sometimes. He's got four kids now. I like checking in on them.
Dad had a heart attack a few years ago. I called him then but it wasn't a long conversation.

To: Robert (12:16 p.m.)
How's Vic?

From: Robert (12:18 p.m.)
She's brilliant. Always was the best of us.
She makes me miss Olivia tho

18 July, 2018

Liv has sent you a photo

To: Liv (11:17 a.m.)
It’s sick!

From: Liv (11:21 a.m.)
Yeah?
:D

To: Liv (11:22 a.m.)
I mean it. That mural is gonna be amazing

From: Liv (11:22 a.m.)
ur still coming to my expo on sat right
???

To: Liv (11:25 a.m.)
Wouldnt miss it

From: Liv (11:27 a.m.)
.....and Rob?

To: Liv (11:34 a.m.)
.........
He said he would
Do you still want him there? I kno it might be weird but he’s really excited for you
But if you think it’s too soon I’ll tell him

From: Liv (11:35 a.m.)
No I want him there
It’s weird but I still remember things about him
Plus he’s better at this stuff than u

To: Liv (11:35 a.m.)
What
No hes not

From: Liv (11:37 a.m.)
He so is
U said it urself he’s a schmoozer

To: Liv (11:40 a.m.)
I can schmooze

From: Liv (11:41 a.m.)
Yea right

6 August, 2018

To: Robert (7:14 p.m.)
Sandra keeps asking me when ur coming over again

From: Robert (7:14 p.m.)
Tell her I can on Saturday if she wants
I told her I’d show her how to make that pasta

To: Robert (7:16 p.m.)
The one from livs party?

From: Robert (7:16 p.m.)
Yeah
She kept saying she wants to start cooking again. Do u think shes dating?

To: Robert (7:16 p.m.)
No way Sandra doesnt date

To: Robert (7:21 p.m.)
Oh god
Do u really think shes dating……….

23 August, 2018

From: Robert (8:02 p.m.)
I miss you

From: Robert (8:07 p.m.)
I know u told me we have to move on but I still don’t know how to. Being friends w u again has been the best thing to happen to me in years and I don’t want to lose that but I miss u. I know its not fair and I know I said I’d try but I don’t know how to keep doing this. I kept the note I wrote u. u threw it on the ground that day and I picked it up and I don’t know how u kept it for so long because its making me sick. I wont mention it again but I had to try. I had to tell you that I miss u and I love u and that wont change no matter what

25 August, 2018

To: Robert (10:35 p.m.)
I miss u too.

1 September, 2018

Aaron was pacing in front of his bed listening to the ringing of his phone. He had dialed the number three times and hung up before it could connect, but this time he wasn’t letting himself back down. He’s needed to do this for years.

“He-llo?” the singsong voice of a woman answered, and Aaron felt his heart stop for a second. He nearly hung up the phone. “Hello?” the woman said again, this time confused.

“Is this Chas?” Aaron asked, his nerves making his hands shake.

“Yes, who is this?” she asked back abruptly.

“It’s Aaron.”

There was a dead silence, and Aaron worried – for just a split second – that she wouldn’t even remember him. The last time he’d seen her he was 11, and birthday cards and Christmas gifts stopped before he turned 13. He wanted to say he didn’t need her through those years. He got by fine on his own, and he had Sandra, but with just the sound of her voice, Aaron was a child again, and he wanted his mum.

“Aaron?” she asked, her voice now heavy with what sounded like tears, and Aaron felt himself start to cry. Like a floodgate had burst, Aaron’s throat squeaked as his voice caught on a sob, and he had to sit down. Chas was crying, too, and it must’ve looked ridiculous.

She just kept repeating, “My baby. I’m so sorry,” and it set Aaron off again as he clung to the phone. He knew nothing about her. He didn’t know if she had other kids, if she’d been married. He didn’t even know where she lived. He got the number off Sandra’s phone years ago, and he wasn’t even sure it would work when he called. Still, she was his mum. When they both settled after what felt like an age, Aaron’s chest was still tight.

“Mum, please, it’s okay,” Aaron insisted. This wasn’t the time to talk about apologies. “I actually, um, I was callin’ because I wanted your advice on something.”

“Oh!” Chas cleared her throat. “Yes, of course baby. What is it?”

“It’s just, I can’t talk to Sandra about it because she likes Robert too much, but you don’t even know him, so-” Aaron rambled, but Chas cut him off.

“Who’s Robert?” she asked.

And, right. He forgot he’d need to come out to her as well.

“Uh, he’s my ex. I’m, err, I’m gay.”

“Are you?” she squeaked, and Aaron could feel himself getting defensive, but she continued, “That’s great, love. Yay!” she cheered awkwardly, and Aaron laughed.

“Yeah, alright. Well, anyway, uh, Robert. We were together years ago, and now he’s back in my life, and I don’t know what to do.” He realized that was barely an abridged telling. Robert wasn’t just an ex, but it was too much to tell. He hadn’t even told her about Samir, and that was a whole other story in and of itself.

“Well, do you love him?” she asked, simple as.

“Yeah,” he answered immediately, because of course he did. “But, it can’t be that easy, can it? Robert also left me without a word and didn’t even try talkin’ to me for ten years. But now he’s back and I’m meant to just forget all that?”

“Then don’t. You don’t have to get back with him just because he wants to,” she tried, and Aaron groaned.

“He’s not like that. He would never try and make me be in a relationship with him if I didn’t want to. And we were just kids when he left, that’s not his fault. He was 21, he wasn’t some wizened lothario. We were each other’s first relationship, how was he meant to know what to do?”

“Aaron, love, I think you already know what you’re doin’,” Chas said, her voice gentle and teasing, and god Aaron missed her. “Not everyone deserves a second chance, I’m not sayin’ that. But if he’s the one, then you’re only hurtin’ yourself by not trying.”

“D’you think?” he asked.

“Well, I’m no expert in relationships. Been through enough of them to make you dizzy, but I do know that if there is anyone out there special enough to have you love them, then they’ve gotta be worth it somehow.”

Aaron nodded even though she couldn’t see him. “Can I call you again? We’ve got stuff we need to talk about don’t we?” he asked her, grimacing. It was always going to be a sore spot for him. His mother left him when he needed her the most, but he needed to give her a chance. For himself if not for her.

“Any time. Whenever you want, Aaron. I’ll answer,” she promised.

Before he could hang up, he had to tell her. “Hey mum?”

“Yes?” she answered, voice overly chipper, like she was on the verge of tears again.

“I changed my surname. I’m a Dingle.”

Chas was silent before she said with a noticeable smile, “Of course you are.”

They exchanged their goodbyes with promises to talk again soon, and Aaron tossed the phone to his bed. He didn’t really know what he expected from that call, but he thinks maybe it went better than he thought it might. She remembered him, she didn’t try to make excuses or talk over him, and she took his coming out in stride.

Overall, it was fine. But now he needed to talk to Robert.

And, sure. Maybe 9:00 p.m. on a Saturday wasn’t the best time to be driving out to confess his feelings to the love of his life, but no time like the present, right?

Because that was the thing, wasn’t it? Robert was the love of his whole life. In Aaron’s 29 years, Robert was only there for five of them, but he covered every inch of it. Robert gave Aaron new, better memories for when his past left his skin crawling and the depression he’d been fighting got too bad. Robert was the baseline of every relationship Aaron had after; he was the default on what it meant to love Aaron Dingle.

Robert saved him.

He parked up Robert’s drive and made a beeline for the front door, knocking six-seven-eight times before hopping on the balls of his feet, waiting. Aaron could hear Robert stumble down the steps from behind the door before it swung open, revealing a sleep-tired Robert in his dressing robe with his hair laid flat atop his head.

“Aaron, what?”

“Were you in bed?” Aaron asked, forgetting his own nerves in favor of teasing Robert who pulled his robe in tighter.

“Uh, no. ‘Course not, it’s only...half nine?” he said more like a question, and Aaron just rolled his eyes. Old man, he thought fondly. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but what’re you doing here?”

Robert was squinting at the porch light and pouting from being woken up, but there was still something like concern in his face, and Aaron loved him.

And, god, he never wanted to stop saying that.

He loved him.

He loved him.

He loved him.

“I love you.”

Aaron licked at his lips as they tingled from the words. He felt frazzled and punch-drunk dizzy, and watching Robert slowly come-to and realize what he had said set his soul on fire.

“And I think you saved my life, Robert,” he continued. “Before I met you, I was so angry. At everyone – it didn’t matter who they were. I just had this hate in me and I had nowhere to put it but on meself. I went to more therapists than I could count, and when I started hurtin’ meself, I could pretend, y’know? Like I was alright, even though I weren’t. And I was mean. Never let Sandra get a word in, kept tellin’ her me own mum didn’t want me, and I didn’t want her or Sandra, and I resented Liv for never havin’ to know him.

“Meetin’ you did somethin’ to me. It was like you gave my brain somethin’ else to care about besides what happened to me. Just bein’ with you, it made me want to be better. And I know what I said, that if you’d just stayed, you could’ve been family, but I was wrong. Because you already were, Robert. You’ve been my family since I was fifteen. You knew the worst parts about me, and you stayed and you loved me, and you’re always gonna be part of me.

“I don’t want this to be like I’m giving you an ultimatum, ‘cause I’m not. No matter what, you’re stuck with me, even if it means I’m just your weird best mate, you’re stuck with me Sugden. But if you want, Robert. If you still want me, then can we just try again? Properly, this time?”

Aaron stood there on Robert’s porch in his tattered shoes and stretched out sweater with holes down the hems of the cuffs and collar, and Robert stood in his doorway in his pajamas and bare feet, and nothing about this was romantic or fit for any sort of Hallmark movie, but when Robert surged forward and kissed Aaron, he swore that no other person in the world had ever known a love like this.

“Of course I want you. You’re everything, Aaron,” Robert whispered against his mouth, pressing a kiss to his cheek and another to Aaron’s forehead. They breathed each other in, matching the rise and fall of their chests. “Forever, yeah?”

Aaron held Robert as tight as he could, resting his chin on Robert’s shoulder.

“Forever.”