Archive of Our Own

Say You Won’t Let Go

The rustling of leaves and the soft tinkling of the wind chime were the first sounds Kyungsoo heard as he woke up that morning. It seemed like any other day when he would be rushing inside his house, looking for his stuff, getting dressed up for office.

But today was different.

Today he was going to a clinic instead of heading towards his workplace.

The decision was sudden, mostly forced upon him by a very persistent Baekhyun, who wouldn’t take no for an answer. The blonde-haired male had nagged him for two whole weeks when he found out that Kyungsoo had been losing weight rapidly.

At first, he tried to wave Baekhyun off by saying that it was most probably stress, but the other male didn’t take no for an answer. He continued to pester him, telling him to get checked even when Kyungsoo threatened, beaten, and even begged Baekhyun to let him off the hook. But when you have an unrelenting Baekhyun on your toes, there’s no way you could change his mind.

Hence, here he was, getting ready to head towards that god-awful a clinic with a determined Baekhyun, who, by now, would be waiting downstairs for him.

With a soft sigh, he wiped his brow and took a last look at himself, as he grabbed his wallet and keys before locking the small apartment and heading downstairs. As he walked towards the lift, he passed the door of his neighbor, who, for some reason, was hunched down and looked like he was trying to hide from something.

Kyungsoo decided to ignore the giant and head his way, but he failed obviously when the man let out a shriek and stumbled backward, causing him to jump a little. Kyungsoo huffed as he eyed the man with disdain before addressing him with sharp, “What are you doing?”

“Oh! Hi, Soo!” Chanyeol exclaimed, turning to face the smaller man who was still eyeing him suspiciously. “Didn’t see you coming. Are you leaving for office?”

“No,” Kyungsoo answered curtly.

“Oh, um, haha...” the taller male chuckled nervously as he glanced towards his flat. “You look great, by the way…”

“Um, thank you?” Kyungsoo answered with a raised brow. “Er, is there something inside your apartment?”

“It– it’s a b-bug…” stuttered Chanyeol as he peeked at the house again. “I just really dislike bugs…”

“Ah, um ... okay ...” Kyungsoo replied hastily, wanting to get out there as fast as possible. “I’ll see you later…”

With that Kyungsoo hurried off to the lift, glad to be away from the awkward giant. As the door closed, he couldn’t help himself to let out a small chuckle. After all, who would have expected that a giant guy of 6’2 would be afraid of bugs? He would have never believed that Chanyeol would be that type of guy given his buffed figure, but he guessed appearance can be deceiving sometimes.

When he finally reached downstairs, he saw that Baekhyun was already waiting in his car. He looked handsome in a black bomber jacket, with his blonde hair shining against the sunlight. The sight was quite appealing, making Kyungsoo’s heart race a little, but he chose to ignore it in favor of greeting his overdramatic best friend.

“You took so long to get ready, Kyungja…” Baekhyun whined as soon as he saw the other male walking in his direction. “I was waiting for like an hour!”

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “You waited for like five minutes, Baek. Stop being so over dramatic this early in the morning.”

“Okay, maybe it was for just five minutes…” Baekhyun drawled, following Kyungsoo to his car. “But I still had to wait!”

“Are you seriously going to complain about it?” Kyungsoo asked with a raised brow as if he was daring the other male to challenge him.

Baekhyun shrunk instantly, muttering a small “no”.  He climbed his seat and fastened his seat belt before turning towards Kyungsoo, who was checking the news on his phone. Baekhyun let out a soft sigh before starting the ignition and heading towards the clinic.

“By the way,” Baekhyun started, glancing in Kyungsoo’s direction. “How are you feeling today?”

“Nauseous, mostly,” Kyungsoo answered, looking at the road. “Other than that, I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’m well.” It was a lie. He had vomited last night’s dinner as soon as he woke up this morning. But letting Baekhyun know that would only make the other male worry, which will ultimately lead to nagging his ear off, and Kyungsoo didn’t want that. Hence, he remained quiet and decided to look out of the window.

“I hope you’re not lying to me again, Kyungja,” Baekhyun commented, as he turned a corner and entered the driveway of the private clinic.

“Don’t worry too much, Baek,” Kyungsoo reassured with a soft smile. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Yeah.” Baekhyun sighed, rubbing his temple. “I hope that too.” With that, Baekhyun parked his car and the two of them got out of the car, locking it before making their way towards the clinic.

Although Kyungsoo said that it was nothing serious, he wasn’t really sure who he was trying to reassure. But whatever it was, he just hoped it was nothing serious.

^^^

The clinic was much bigger than it looked from outside. The reception area was painted in light green and decorated with white furniture, giving it a neat look. Kyungsoo sighed, smelling the usual smell of medicine. He really didn't like it no matter how many times he had to encounter it.

He told Baekhyun to wait for him in the waiting area as he went to the receptionist to enter his name. The old lady smiled as she told him to wait for his name to be called out. Kyungsoo answered her with a simple nod and went back to where the other male was.

They had to wait for some time as it was one of the famous clinics in Seoul, meaning that there was always a rush no matter what time of the day it was. When they finally called out his name, Baekhyun sighed with relief. But Kyungsoo, on the other hand, felt his stomach churn.

It was probably because of the fear he had for hospitals, but a voice inside of him said that it wasn’t the only reason. He was nervous because he knew that this wasn’t the only doctor he’d be seeing. Some people might think that maybe he’s overthinking it, but he knew why he was feeling the way he was feeling.

Together with Baekhyun he entered the doctor’s office and greeted the old doctor with a bow. After that, it went the usual way. He explained his problems while the doctor listened carefully. Then the old man examined him, checking his breathing, his pulse rate, blood pressure, and all the other necessities. But when the man pressed the upper part of his stomach to check if there was any problem, he groaned loudly due to pain.

Seeing his reaction, the doctor told him to do an ultrasound immediately, and also advised him to do an endoscopic examination. And before they left, Dr. Shin referred him to another doctor named Kim Junmyeon, who in is his words, was a ‘specialist in these kinds of cases.’

With a tired sigh, the two of them left the clinic and climbed into the car. Without saying anything, Baekhyun started driving towards Gangnam Hospital to do all the required examinations before Kyungsoo could even mutter anything. So he just sat there, contemplating where all of these would lead to.

“Have you eaten something?” Baekhyun asked, breaking him away from his thoughts.

Kyungsoo looked at him with a small smile and said “no”. When he left this morning, he just didn’t feel like eating at all. After all who would feel like eating if every single thing felt like acid in his mouth.

“That’s good then.” He answered, glancing towards Kyungsoo. “They’d probably need you to have an empty stomach for all the medical stuff.”

“Yeah maybe.” Kyungsoo shrugged. He really didn’t care much about all these because he already knew what was about to happen.

Seeing his tensed demeanor, Baekhyun slowed down to stop at a red light. He then turned towards the smaller man and clasped his hands tightly, causing Kyungsoo to eye him questionably. “I know you’re worried about all the medical stuff Kyungja, but I’m sure it’s nothing. It’s probably just a tumor or a cyst, nothing that can’t be cured. So don’t worry, yeah?” He reassured, causing Kyungsoo’s heart to erupt in butterflies.

“Yeah.” Kyungsoo nodded because that's the only thing he could do. He didn’t need Baekhyun to worry about him more than he should.

“Good!” Baekhyun grinned happily, as he started driving again. “Let’s do this, and then we’ll be going to McDonald’s to get your favorite burger!!!”

^^^

On the day of his report, he went alone to the hospital. It was a sudden decision because firstly he didn’t want Baekhyun to worry about him (and nag him) and lastly it was because he needed to face this alone. He was yet to know what it was actually, but he needed to face it alone.

Hence, here he was waiting in his seat as the doctor went through his reports. He let out a soft sigh as he leaned back in his seat and scanned his soundings while waiting for the doctor to say something. The office was painted in light brown color with wood paneling. It had a natural look which gave it a calm atmosphere.

He focused his attention back to Dr. Kim and saw that his frown has deepened more. Just what in the world was he seeing in those sheets that made him look this scary? Kyungsoo didn’t know. And this somehow made his stomach churn - in a bad way.

“Um… Dr. Kim?” Kyungsoo called out reluctantly, successfully drawing his attention towards him.

Dr. Kim let out a long sigh and placed the papers in front of him neatly. He then looked up at Kyungsoo with an unreadable gaze, making the other man squirm in his seat. “What is it, Dr. Kim?” he reluctantly questioned as Dr. Kim kept glancing at reports.

“How do I say this, Mr. Do?” Dr. Kim started a bit hesitant. He took out his glasses and placed them on top of the reports as he leaned back in his chair. He seemed to think something for a bit before straightening up and locking Kyungsoo with a hard stare.

“I’m afraid that I have to say this, Mr. Do, but you have been diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer.”

Oh.

That was the first thing that went through his mind as he registered the words. He dropped back in his chair and stared at the man in front of him. Cancer huh? Stage IV stomach cancer? He took a deep breath and then everything was spiraling down to that one word. Cancer.

Dr. Kim kept talking, kept explaining what was exactly happening to his body but Kyungsoo couldn’t pay any kind of attention to it. He felt his breath shortening, felt as if a bullet had been shot straight to his chest. He felt like laughing because he should have known. Kyungsoo should have seen the signs instead of ignoring it like he usually did. But god, was he regretting them right now.               

He knew that this would have affected him at some point in his life. He had a family history of cancer after all. But he didn’t expect it to be this soon. He didn’t even imagine something like this happening to him at the age of 28. He was 28, goddammit! Kyungsoo still had so many things that he wanted to do. Why was this happening to him all of a sudden? Why?

“How long do I have?” he asked, interrupting Dr. Kim’s elaborate speech on his state. Dr. Kim sputters but quickly regains his composure. He tries to reason Kyungsoo that he shouldn’t think negatively but Kyungsoo knew that he was just lying to him.

“Can you please answer the simple question?” he didn’t mean to come off as rude but the way Dr. Kim was trying to reassure him, irked him. He didn’t need sugar coated answers. He wanted the truth, even if it hurt.

Dr. Kim sighed. “Since your HER2 status is positive and your cancer has already spread to distant sites, you’d probably have 6 months without any kind of treatment.”

“And with treatment?”

“It’s hard to say,” Dr. Kim began, going through his report once again. “But the way your cancer cells are progressing, even with treatment it will probably be a year.”

Kyungsoo shrunk back in his seat as Dr. Kim continued to explain all the possible treatments he could do and how he should stay positive and stuff. But all of his words fell on deaf ears as Kyungsoo tried to comprehend the entire situation that just happened in the span of one hour.

Everything seemed so bizarre. If someone told him that this was the way his day was going to be today, he would have laughed and told them to shut it. But now that he was sitting here, hearing about his treatment schedule and how to cope with everything, he could hardly believe.

When the appointment was over, he got up from his seat, collected his reports and left the office silently. He didn't bid Dr. Kim goodbye, didn’t even glance in his direction when he left. He might have come off as rude, but he could hardly care.

And as he drove away from the hospital, the only thought that was swirling in his head was that he was going to die.

^^^

When Kyungsoo reached home, the first thing he did was get some sleep. It was strange for him to behave like this since he hated napping during the day but today he just felt so exhausted to the core that he didn't care anymore. He slowly trudged inside his room, pulled up his cover before getting inside. He didn't even know when he drifted off to sleep.

By the time he woke up, it was already close to midnight. He yawned as he stretched his limbs to shake off the residual sleep. He then got up from his bed and went to the toilet to wash his face and remove that godawful grogginess he had every time he slept during the day.

When he was done, he returned to the bedroom to grab his phone and saw that he had 10 missed calls from Baekhyun. He thought about calling him but decided against it because how was he going to answer when Baekhyun would ask him the obvious question. He can't just say ‘Hey Baekhyun! I just called to let you know that I was diagnosed with cancer and I probably have a year to live. By the way, do you wanna go see that movie?’

He let out a sigh as he walked back to the living room and flopped down on his sofa. He looked up at the empty white ceiling and went through all the things that happened today. He was a cancer patient. Not just any cancer patient, he was a terminal cancer patient who only had a year to live — with the treatment of course.

And then suddenly he couldn’t stop the tears from falling down.

His whole body shook with waves as the tears fell down from his eyes. Why him? Why was he the one? Why couldn’t it be anyone else? Why? He knew cancer would have been inevitable, but he didn’t expect it to happen so soon? Why did it have to be now? Why? Why now when everything was becoming alright? Why?

He sobbed as the thoughts went through his head like a tornado, crushing everything in its way. He finally had his dream job, he was finally gaining the courage to confess to Baekhyun. He was finally getting his life together, so why now?

No. NO! He couldn’t break down like this. This was probably a dream. A really bad dream. Yes. That's what it was. He just needed to get drunk and sleep it off and then everything would be back to the way it was. He’d go back to the way it was two weeks ago. He’d go back to the average Do Kyungsoo he was.

He got up from his seat, grabbed his wallet and stormed out of his house to the nearest bar he could find.

^^^

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol called, trying his best to steady the said male who was having an uncontrollable fit of giggles because he thought that Chanyeol resembled a Yoda.

“Yew look phunny.” Kyungsoo slurred, trying to catch Chanyeol’s ears as he held tightly onto Chanyeol’s arms. “Yew have big ears.”

“Yes, yes, I have big ears,” Chanyeol answered nodding his head as if he was talking to a child. “Now please climb these stairs or else I’ll have to carry you.”

“Nooo!” Kyungsoo whined, clinging onto Chanyeol as he started walking up the steps. “Imma a man! I can walk on my own.”

“Sure you are.”

Meeting Chanyeol had been an accident. He just wanted to grab a few bottles of Soju before heading back home. But when he reached the bar, Chanyeol was there, hanging out alone with a mug of beer. He didn't know why he went to him. Maybe it was because he sought comfort from someone that wasn't Baekhyun. Maybe it was because Chanyeol somehow looked as miserable as he was.

He didn't know.

He just went to him and sat there as he ordered his drinks. Chanyeol gave him a look, but he didn't question further. After that, they started bantering — a light-hearted conversation about the most menial things. Kyungsoo would have never done this in a normal situation, but today was different. Then somehow with the flow of conversation, Kyungsoo found himself drunk which ultimately led to the situation they were currently in.

Kyungsoo toed off his shoes as he stepped inside his house, stumbling a little. Chanyeol too followed him inside because he was half afraid that the smaller man was going to fall asleep in the living room and then die out of the cold and haunt him for the rest of his life.

Kyungsoo was about to tell Chanyeol to go back to his house when his stomach started to to churn. His head started spinning as he felt himself getting nauseated. He instantly sprang to his feet and ran to the toilet. He could only wait for a moment before he started retching out everything he had eaten today. Tears spilled from his eyes as he vomited bile, blood, and whatnot.

When he couldn't throw up anymore, he collapsed onto the floor beside his toilet seat as he tried to collect his breathing. His whole body ached from the effort, and he felt exhausted. He shouldn't have drunk this much when he knew he wouldn't be able to stomach it.

He was so overwhelmed with his exhaustion, that he forgot Chanyeol was there at all. He forgot that Chanyeol was there, watching him, as he clutched his abdomen and groaned in pain. He only became aware of Chanyeol's presence when the taller man approached him and placed a hand on his shoulder to shake him away from his trance.

“Kyungsoo… what happened?” he asked, concern etched on every corner of his face. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. I am.” he nodded as he tried to move away from him only to be held still in his spot. He looked up at Chanyeol and saw that he was frowning.

“Don’t lie.” the taller man accused as he helped Kyungsoo stand up on his feet and walked him to his living room before making him sit down on the couch. “You vomited blood. It doesn’t seem fine to me!”

Kyungsoo let out a frustrated sigh and closed his eyes, trying his best to endure the pain. He really needs to take those prescribed painkillers but as long as Chanyeol was here, he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t let Chanyeol know yet. He’s not ready to let anyone know yet.

“Please leave.” Kyungsoo glared at the taller man. “Don’t interfere with my life.”

“I won’t go unless you tell me what’s happening Kyungsoo!”  Chanyeol said, standing in front of him and locking him up with an unreadable gaze. “You vomited blood, you look like you’re about to die and you tell me to leave you alone? Unless you explain everything to me I’m not leaving.”

“Why do you like to -” his words were cut short when Chanyeol interrupted him with a loud “Answer me!”

“Fine!” Kyungsoo bellowed, shaking from rage. Why was Chanyeol this interested in his life? Why can’t he just let him be? He really didn’t want anyone to know the news yet but the way Chanyeol was annoying him, he might as well say the truth and get rid of him before his pain became worse.

“I am going to die! I have cancer, okay!” he screamed at the top of his lungs. “I have cancer and I’m going to die soon.” he flopped down on the floor as tears started to accumulate in his eyes. “I’m going to die, Chanyeol. I’m going to die.”

Chanyeol didn’t answer him. He just stepped forward and embraced the smaller man as Kyungsoo broke down in his arms and talked about how unfair life was.

^^^

The next morning when Kyungsoo woke up, he was greeted with the delicious smell of bacon and eggs. He sat up groggily, his head still spinning from last night’s alcohol. He yawned and rubbed his eyes as he stretched his limbs before getting up from his bed. He then padded his way towards the kitchen wondering where this delicious smell was coming from, only to receive the shock of his life.

Park Chanyeol was standing there, wearing a sunflower apron, and cooking him breakfast like a doting wife.

Noticing his presence, Chanyeol turned around and greeted him with his million-dollar smile. It made Kyungsoo squint because suddenly the room felt too bright to be seen with naked eyes. He groaned and stepped back as he tried his best to regain his composure.

“Good morning, Soo!” Chanyeol greeted happily as he placed the sunny side up egg on the plate. “I cooked you breakfast.”

Kyungsoo didn’t bother to greet him back. he looked up at him and glared as best as he could. “What are you doing in my kitchen?”

“Me?” Chanyeol pointed at himself as he took a seat. “I’m just here to help you.”

“Well, I don’t need your help!” Kyungsoo snapped. He didn’t need anyone’s pity, especially if it was coming from someone like Chanyeol. He already had enough misery to sustain his life, he didn’t this giant to rub salt on his wound.

“I know.”

“Then why are you here?” Kyungsoo asked, trying to calm himself down. He shouldn’t be frowning in the morning. He should take a deep breath and calm down. Yes. he should calm down.

“You sit down first, yeah?” Chanyeol said, ushering him to sit in front of him. Kyungsoo went to him reluctantly and sat down, still glaring at the giant. “Eat your breakfast and then we’ll talk okay?”

They ate their breakfast in silence as Kyungsoo’s mind wandered off to different places. he needed to call Baekhyun and tell him the truth. Since he already spilled the tea to Chanyeol, why not tell Baekhyun and get over it already? Also, he needed to call his brother and share with him the news. After all, he’s the only family that he had left around.

When he felt like he couldn’t stomach any more food, he put aside his plate and looked at Chanyeol. The taller man was still immersed in his food though his eyes looked like he was in a completely different place. He tapped the table twice to get his attention.

“So...” Kyungsoo leaned back in his seat, lacing his fingers together to give off that dominant aura. “What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

Chanyeol hummed as he wiped his face with the napkin and looked at Kyungsoo. All of a sudden it felt like those cheap overrated dramas where the lead male was about to argue with the second lead male after a hefty breakfast. Kyungsoo tried his best to control his laugh and waited for the taller man to say something.

“I have decided that I’m going to help you.” Chanyeol declared, placing his hands on the table and shaking his head to indicate that he had already made up his mind to do whatever the hell he had intended to do.

“I told you I don’t need your help.” Kyungsoo’s patience was running thin. It felt like he was this close to snapping Chanyeol’s neck in two. But then again, he really contemplated that thought because he didn't want to go to jail.

“Look,” Chanyeol began a little hesitantly. He shrunk back in his seat and instantly the conversation lost its heat. Kyungsoo too relaxed and thought that maybe, maybe he should listen to the giant before throwing him out his house. “I know you’re probably thinking that I’m pitying you and stuff but I’m not.”

“Then what are you trying to do?”

“I just want to help you okay?” the taller man said, his gaze unreadable. “You have cancer. Okay. You’re going to die. Okay. But you’re not going to die right now, are you?”

Kyungsoo shook his head no. He still couldn’t understand what the taller man was up to but he was getting an idea. Chanyeol was probably trying to persuade him to do something that he hadn’t done so he didn’t regret it when his time was up. What was it called again...?

“What I’m saying is you should not give up before your time is up,” Chanyeol said, nodding his head like he was giving one hell of an inspirational speech.

Kyungsoo wanted to snort but he held it because even though Chanyeol kind of looked like an idiot right now, he had somewhat good intentions for him. He smiled a little and shook his head as Chanyeol went on to give him an elaborate speech about inspiration.

“So, the main point of this conversion is that you want to make a bucket list right?” Kyungsoo queried, interrupting the taller man’s speech.

“Yes! yes!” Chanyeol beamed, almost knocking the coffee mug in the process. He yelped loudly as some coffee spilled on his finger. “That’s what I was trying to say. You’re so smart Kyungsoo, no wonder you do so well on your job.”

Kyungsoo chuckled at the over-enthusiastic Chanyeol and picked up his dish before walking towards the sink. He placed it on the basin and turned in time as Chanyeol took out a small diary from his chest pocket. Kyungsoo gave him a questioning look but the taller man ignored it and handed it to Kyungsoo.

“I went to get this while you were sleeping,” Chanyeol said, a small smile playing on his lips. “Use this diary and write the things you want to do. You may not have all the time in the world, but you’re not entirely empty-handed.”

“Chanyeol...”

“I have to go to my part-time job but you-” Chanyeol pointed at Kyungsoo as he grabbed his hoodie and made his way towards the door. “Write down your wishes and if you need any kind of help, I’m one knock away.”

^^^

After taking a shower and gulping down his medications, Kyungsoo sat down on his study table and opened the diary he was gifted this morning. It was a small sized journal which had a beautiful dark green cover along with a small sized leaf keychain tied to it.

Kyungsoo opened it gently, afraid that he’d tear it any moment. He then picked up his pen and wrote in careful handwriting ‘Bucket list’. Then his real struggle began. He stared at those words and wondered just exactly what he should write.

Something he hadn’t done?

But there were tons of things that he hadn’t done in his lifetime. Ever since he was a kid, he only had one motto in his life - get good grades and get a stable job. Other than that, he never did anything. As long as he could remember, the only thing that he did throughout his entire life was study, study, and study.

Even in his teenage years, he never played hookie. Not even once did he bunk his classes. His friend used to call him a nerd for this very reason but he was never bothered about it. At that time, he thought that he would have plenty of time to do the things that he wanted to do.

If only he knew his future would be like this.

He let out a sigh and leaned back in his seat. Before he could ponder more, his phone started ringing. He picked it up and was instantly greeted with the loud voice of none other than Byun Baekhyun. Kyungsoo scratched his nose as the other male continued to whine about why Kyungsoo didn’t let him come to the doctor’s appointment along with him.

“Anyways, tell me, what did the doctor say?” Baekhyun inquired, causing Kyungsoo to flinch in his seat.

He knew that the other male was going to ask this but somehow, he still felt unprepared. He cleared his throat and thought about what he should say. There was no point in hiding it, Baekhyun would eventually come to know the news even if he hid it. Therefore, he decided that it would be better to let the man know.

“I...” Kyungsoo’s voice shook as he tried his best to remain calm. “I have cancer, Baekhyun.”

“What?” Baekhyun could hardly believe what he was hearing. “Please say that this is a joke.”

“It’s not, Baek. I’ve been diagnosed with stage IV stomach cancer.”

Before Kyungsoo could say anything else, the phone went dead. he let out a defeated sigh and placed the phone beside him. Baekhyun’s probably too shocked. After all who wouldn’t be if they heard that their best friend of 15 years was diagnosed with cancer. He knows that Baekhyun will come around to accept it but he was going to need time.

He took a deep breath and decided to focus on the work he had at hand right now. He needed to think about the things he wanted to do and set them up according to their priority to create the ultimate bucket list. But no matter how hard he pondered on it, he just couldn’t seem to set it right.

“Fuck it!” he huffed as his patience drew thin, and he started writing down the first thing that came to his mind. After an hour, he could finally say that he was quite satisfied with the list he made. He took one last look at his list and then grabbed his phone to message Chanyeol.

‘Hey, Chanyeol! I’ve made the list. You up for an adventure?’

^^^

“I don’t really think this is a good idea, Chanyeol.”

“Don’t worry, it’ll be fine.”

Chanyeol reassured the smaller man for the hundredth time as he dragged him inside the restaurant. Kyungsoo’s first wish on the bucket list was to try new cuisine. He had always been a foodie at heart and thinking about different kinds of food made his mouth water. He knew that after he started receiving his chemo - which was going to start from tomorrow - he won’t be able to appreciate the different tastes of various foods.

Hence, here he was getting a table for two as Chanyeol scanned the menu with gleaming eyes. He exactly remembered how excited Chanyeol was when he told him his first wish. The taller man had jumped up and instantly started searching for the best restaurants in town. It took him almost three days to find the restaurant which appealed to him the most and when he did, he swooped in at Kyungsoo’s place and dragged him out.

“So how are you feeling now?” Chanyeol asked once he was done ordering the food for both of them.

“I’m nervous,” Kyungsoo answered, his eyes scanning the place cautiously. Even though he worked with the public, he always felt nervous when it came to new surroundings. “I’ve never done something like this before.”

“Well, isn’t that the whole point?” Chanyeol asked, raising his eyebrow. He laughed a little when Kyungsoo nodded and looked away.

“But what did you order?”

“You’ll see soon.”

After that, they fell into a comfortable chat - talking about how a famous idol group still hadn’t made their comeback. As they talked to each other, Kyungsoo started to realize something. He was actually quite comfortable with Chanyeol. Even though the taller man had been a complete stranger a few months back, Kyungsoo still felt comfortable with him like he has known him for a long, long time.

Maybe it was because of Chanyeol’s easy persona. Or maybe it was because of his toothy grin. But Chanyeol had that aura to make anyone and everyone feel calm beside. If someone told Kyungsoo that he was going to think this way about Chanyeol two months ago, he would have smacked them and told them to shut it.

But now he couldn’t imagine completing his bucket list without Chanyeol.

They didn't get to talk as much after their food arrived in 10 minutes. As soon as Kyungsoo's saw the platter, they grew big. What in the world was that? Were they even edible? He eyed them suspiciously before glancing back at Chanyeol who had a playful smirk on his face.

“What in the world are these?” He blurted out, causing Chanyeol to chuckle lightly.

“These are food,” Chanyeol answered as he served the yellow colored rice on his plate. “One of the best that you’ll have. Now, less talking, more eating!”

Kyungsoo let out a sigh as he saw Chanyeol digging into the food. He wasn’t really sure whether he should try these or not. But then again, wasn’t doing new stuff the whole motto about his bucket list? He took a deep breath and let himself enjoy the tantalizing aroma of the food. From the smell only, he could tell that it was going to be delicious. And now the colors too started to look vibrant.

Without thinking about anything else, he dug into his food. His eyes became wide as the taste started to spread out through his mouth. It was truly delicious. It wasn’t too spicy but had the smoky flavor which gave it a kick. And also, there was a sweet taste of different herbs which made the curry incredibly balanced.

“What is this?” Kyungsoo asked, his mouth full of the delicious curry.

“It’s chicken tikka masala.” Chanyeol wiped his mouth before answering. “One of the best dishes in Indian cuisine.”

After that, Kyungsoo didn’t even realize time passed so quickly. They tried out several new dishes including a sweet dish which Kyungsoo vowed to make by himself at least once. And before the night drew close, the two of them made their way back to the apartment with a filled stomach and a satisfied mind.

“That was so good,” Chanyeol announced, rubbing his tummy as they walked down the alleyway which led to their apartment building. “Next week, let’s try out Italian. I know a really good place.”

“Next week might be tough...” Kyungsoo answered a little hesitantly. His chemo was about to start and he knew the first one was always the worst. It was not only physical but there was mental exhaustion to deal with too. And he had seen it all, the way it affected everything.

Chanyeol stopped on his track and turned to look at Kyungsoo. “Your treatment is starting, right?” Kyungsoo answered with a nod. “Then can I come with you? I don’t have much to do during the day.”

“But what are you gonna do there?” Kyungsoo asked with his eyebrows quirked. He could hardly understand what the taller male wanted.

“I don’t know.” Chanyeol shrugged as he started walking again. ”Support you maybe?”

“You don’t need to do that Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo smiled up at the taller man as they entered their apartment complex. They greeted the security guard with a nod before continuing their walk to the elevator.

“But I want to. So don’t stop me yeah?”

“You’re a weird man, Park Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo told him as he pressed the button to their floor, a smile playing on his lips. “You’re a really weird man.”

“And you’re not as grumpy as you seem to be, Do Kyungsoo.” Chanyeol teased as they stepped onto their floor and started walking in the direction of their respective apartment. “Anyways, do tell me your next wish when we go the hospital tomorrow. But for now, adieu my friend.”

That night, as Kyungsoo drifted off to sleep, the only thing that he could remember was the bright toothy smile and those big ears that seemed to point out. And that night, in a very long time, he finally slept well.

^^^

“Do you think you’d be able to walk?” Chanyeol asked as he helped Kyungsoo to get down from the car.

“Yeah,” Kyungsoo answered slowly. “Just hold my bag.”

Chanyeol did as he was asked and together they went to Kyungsoo’s apartment. The walk felt too long for Kyungsoo even though he had traveled this path infinite number of times. Once they reached his apartment, Kyungsoo instantly collapsed on the couch due to extreme exhaustion.

It was a given that he was going to feel like shit after his first chemo, but he didn’t expect it to be this bad. Not only his head was throbbing, he felt like he was going to vomit his entire gut out-out. He let out a small groan as he turned around to lay on his side and watched how Chanyeol moved into his kitchen like it was his own.

He still couldn’t believe that he had his first chemotherapy just mere hours ago. He had read about chemotherapy and it’s side effects but nothing could explain how he was currently feeling. Junmyeon had said that the first one was always the worst one but he had seriously understated it. And because of that he honestly felt like smacking Junmyeon in the head but then again it was his fault to not go through the pamphlet provided to him.

But what could he do? He was so effin nervous about this whole ordeal. And it felt so strange because he had seen his dad go through this same process a countless number of times until he gave up eventually. Though now he clearly understood how exactly it felt to be on the receiving end.

Just as he was getting immersed in his thoughts, the doorbell rang. Thinking it was probably the mailman dropping his medications, he asked Chanyeol to open it. Though he never expected to see a red-faced Baekhyun barge inside his apartment and envelop him into a tight hug without even uttering a single word.

“Baek, what are you doing?” Kyungsoo couldn’t help but feel baffled. What in the world was Baekhyun doing here? Wasn’t he supposed to be away for their company trip as scheduled?

“You, Do Kyungsoo, you’re a cruel, cruel man,” Baekhyun mumbled as he held tightly onto the smaller man as if loosening his grip might make the other man slip away.

“Baek...”

“You tell me you have cancer and you’re going to die and then suddenly you don’t answer my calls before disappearing from the face of the earth?” Baekhyun blubbered as he pulled away to look at his face. “And you say that I’m your best friend? You’re the worst, Kyungsoo. THE WORST!”

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but laugh seeing how ugly yet adorable Baekhyun looked with his teary eyes and snotty nose. Who would believe that this man was already nearing his 30th birthday in less than 10 months? “Calm down, Baek,” Kyungsoo said as he tried his best to control his laughter.

“See! You’re laughing!” huffed Baekhyun, as he too tried not to smile. “You truly are the worst person on this universe..”

“Aren’t you preaching too much?” Kyungsoo asked with a slight smile as he tried to sit properly. “Anyways why are you here?”

“Why you ask me?” Baekhyun faked a scandalized look as he sat beside Kyungsoo and wrapped his arms around him. “I was worried about you. I need to know exactly what is happening to you.”

Kyungsoo glanced in the direction of Chanyeol once and saw that the taller man was doing something in the kitchen. It felt weird to see how tense Chanyeol was looking even though he wasn’t exactly facing them. Before he could ponder more on the thought, a nudge from Baekhyun brought him back to the present.

He let out a soft sigh and started describing everything that had happened in the past three weeks, from knowing his results to getting his first chemo. He told him about the bucket list (though he didn’t exactly tell him his wishes) and how Chanyeol was helping him to fulfill it. He told him about every small detail even though he felt extremely exhausted.

And after two long hours, when Baekhyun finally decided to leave, Kyungsoo couldn’t feel thankful enough. It was not like he didn’t adore his best friend, but sometimes Baekhyun could be a bit taxing and given his condition today, the other man really tired him out.

Kyungsoo let out a long drawn sigh and collapsed on the couch once again as tried to calm down nausea that was rising inside of him every other second. Just as he thought that he was going to get some sleep, Chanyeol came up to him before coaxing him up into a sitting position (literally dragging him) and offering him peanut butter and honey sandwich.

“It tastes weird.” Kyungsoo grimaced as soon as he took the first bite. “Feels like I’m eating metal.”

“It’s a given,” Chanyeol answered as he switched on the television and started surfing channels without paying them proper attention.

There was a comforting silence between them as they both got lost in their own minds, thinking whatnot. Kyungsoo felt a bit peculiar about this whole setting because he never imagined that Chanyeol would be the type to stay silent for more than a minute. But as they sat together, watching this nonsensical comedy show, Kyungsoo could only think about how calm it felt.

“Can I ask you something?” Chanyeol asked after a while, breaking the quiet. Kyungsoo answered him with a nod as he finished his meal and placed the dish on the coffee table before turning to face the taller man.

“You like him, don’t you?” Chanyeol asked with an unreadable expression. “That Baekhyun guy.”

Kyungsoo felt like denying it yet he stopped himself before he could actually do it. He was asked this question several times by their friends and anyone who knew them and all those times he had laughed them off and said that they were wrong. But as he sat inside the confines of his apartment with Chanyeol gazing at him with that concerning look, Kyungsoo felt like admitting it won’t hurt.

Hence, he smiled a little and said: “Yeah. I do.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know.”

After that, Kyungsoo doesn’t really remember how their conversion went. All he could recall was an indecipherable look on Chanyeol’s eyes and a soft plea of ‘Look at me too,’ as he drifted into slumber.

 ^^^

“I’m not really sure about this one...” Kyungsoo said doubtfully as he switched back and forth between choosing azalea and lantana.

“Hmm...” Chanyeol hummed as he picked up a pot of New Guinea impatiens from the side. “Then what about this one?”

“Um..”

Currently, they were in a flower shop, trying to choose a flower for Kyungsoo’s apartment. The decision was somewhat sudden, mostly decided upon a whim. It actually happened after Kyungsoo returned home from his second chemo. He was as always exhausted but when he returned that day, he suddenly had this realization or in Chanyeol’s words enlightenment that his apartment was truly empty.

And therefore, here he was, two days later, in the nearest flower shop he could find.

They searched through another shelve of potted plants, mostly bickering about this and that before the store employee finally interrupted them. She kind of had this pissed look upon her face that made both of them cower in fear. And before the two of them could argue anymore, they were leaving the store with a pot full of unbloomed snowdrops.

“That store noona was scary,” Chanyeol confessed as they walked down the street, taking the longer route instead. “I almost crapped my pants.”

“You’re overreacting.” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes before letting out a small giggle.

“By the way,” Kyungsoo said after a while as they turned a corner. “what do you do for a living, Chanyeol?”

“I’m a freelance writer,” Chanyeol answered without a beat.

“So you're a lit major, huh?” Kyungsoo asked, looking up at him.

“An almost one.”

“Huh?” Kyungsoo stopped on his track to really look up at the taller man. What did he mean by an almost lit major?

“I mean I dropped out,” Chanyeol answered him as he started dragging the smaller man to make him start walking again.

“But why?” Kyungsoo questioned, astonished.

“Well,” Chanyeol hesitated for a moment before letting out a long drawn sigh. “Things happened which didn't go in my favor.”

“What things?”

“Um. How do I say this?” Chanyeol seemed to think about something before continuing to answer him. “I used to date this guy back in college during the freshmen years. He was kinda spoilt but at that time I found him quite cute so we dated anyway.”

“Then?” Kyungsoo asked with piqued interest.

“As our relationship progressed, I realized that he was too much for me to handle. I mean he was cute and stuff but he used to suspect me about every single thing. And it was so tiring. I didn't even have any kind of place to breath.” Chanyeol admitted.

“And then when I wanted to break up, he started spreading rumors about me saying that I sexually harassed him and stuff. College authority believed him because his father was a businessman and then one fine morning they kicked me out of the college.” He disclosed as he let out another sigh.

“Woah..that's..” Kyungsoo was speechless. He didn’t know how to comfort Chanyeol about this. To ruin someone’s career just because they wanted to break up was something he could never understand.

“Don’t worry.” Chanyeol shrugged. “It’s all in the past anyway.”

Kyungsoo nodded because that was the only thing he could do. He wanted to comfort Chanyeol but he didn’t know how. And Chanyeol too seemed to not talk about this matter, so he decided to discard it and move forward.

“Ah!” Chanyeol exclaimed as soon as they crossed the road. “You didn’t tell me what’s on your list!”

“This was on my list,” Kyungsoo answered with a smile as he pointed to the beautiful pot of snowdrops he was carrying. “I think I’ll get a camera next.”

Chanyeol looked at him with a bewildered expression as if he couldn’t grasp what he was hearing. He looked at him like that for a few seconds before bursting out into a fit of giggles which kind of made him look like a dying seal. “I didn’t know you were such a simple man, Do Kyungsoo.”

“And I didn’t know that you were this embarrassing.” Kyungsoo shot as he started walking quickly to avoid the strange stares they were getting.

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry.” Chanyeol said, catching up to him. “But seriously, you’re quite a simple man. I thought your bucket list would contain something like jumping off the cliff kinda stuff.”

“It’s a bucket list Chanyeol. Not a death list.” Kyungsoo rolled his eyes. “Plus, life is all about the simple things. I mean, I’m gonna remember my mom’s food not how I jumped with a parachute when I’m on my deathbed. I guess it’s fun doing those adventurous things but it’s just not me.”

“Yeah, I understand.” Chanyeol nodded his head. “But Soo, you seem so certain about dying. Aren’t you scared of it?”

“I am,” Kyungsoo answered in a beat. “I’m so scared about it Chanyeol, but I guess it’s better to admit that I’m gonna die rather than running away from it.”

“I mean people have to die one day right? My time is just a little bit earlier than others.”

“Kyungsoo...”

“There’s no point in denying it Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo smiled up at the taller man. “I used to think that death is awful but as I spend more days anticipating it, I realized that it’s the ultimate truth. Like all these people out there, they do the things they do because they don’t want to die a certain way. I’m like that too. I’m doing this bucket list because I don’t want to die regretting that I didn’t do something.”

“I’m just rambling aren’t I?” Kyungsoo asked after a while.

“Nope.” Chanyeol shook his head. “I think it was the first time you said what’s really on your mind. I like that. You should do it more often.”

^^^

Kyungsoo’s third chemo didn’t exactly go as it was planned.

Junmyeon had said that they were going to try some kind of new drug on him because apparently, his biopsy cells reacted quite well to it, but as soon as they put the new medicine on his system, he started feeling this weird heat in his chest before going into a full-fledged shock. Though it didn’t last very long because Chanyeol threw a ruckus as soon as the symptoms started to show but it was enough to give him a scare for life.

And because of that scare, he finally got the push to do what he was about to do.

It’s not like he didn’t plan it, it was there on his wishlist but as soon as he revived from his shock, he felt like he was running on borrowed time. He felt as if he didn’t complete his wishlist as soon as possible, he’d rather die of regret than cancer.

And therefore, here he was practicing his lines by the side of the stage to audition for one of the legendary theatre group named CBX. To be honest, he was so nervous, he could feel sweat dripping down his legs. But he was too determined to back out now.

Hence, when they told him that it was his time to recite, he took a deep breath as he gripped his script before stepping out on the stage.

His character was about a young boy who had an abusive father. He didn’t know why they chose him to recite this character but as he stood there in the middle of the stage with the script in his hand, he tried his best to portray all the emotions that he would feel if he was truly the character.

And before he knew it, there were clapping sounds all around him, telling him that he delivered a brilliant performance.

He let himself smile as he bowed to everyone before getting down from the stage. Just as he was about to talk to the manager, Kim Jongdae aka one of the main performers of CBX approached him. Not don’t get him wrong, but Kim Jongdae looked even more handsome up front. He looked so dashing it made even someone like Kyungsoo blush.

“Do Kyungsoo - ssi, right?” He asked as he approached the smaller man with a Cheshire smile.

Kyungsoo nodded because honestly, he was afraid that if he opened his mouth, he’d just embarrass himself. Take him as overreacting, but it was that’s how Jongdae’s charm worked on everyone.

“Did you work somewhere before?” Jongdae asked to which Kyungsoo shook his head to imply that it was his first time. Jongdae seemed to think something for a while before taking out his notepad and scribbling something down on it.

Kyungsoo looked at him questionably because what in the world was this handsome man doing in front of him? It was making delusional. But before he could actually ask what it was, the other male looked up at him with that same cat-like smile and said: “This the address to our private practicing studio. You are required to come here every weekend from five to nine. Do not miss the sessions, alright?”

Kyungsoo was dumbfounded as he received this piece of paper. What in the world was Kim Jongdae to? Why did he give him this paper? Wait..does that mean.

“I am selected?” he said perplexed.

Jongdae let out a hearty chuckle in reply before saying “It would be a pity to reject someone as talented as you Kyungsoo - ssi. See you next Friday.”

Kyungsoo could hardly believe what he heard. Ever since he was in high school, it was his dream to take part in a theatre. But at that time, it was his family’s strict orders to not engage in any kind of extracurricular activities. Though he hardly cared about it now because finally he was not only going to act, he was going to perform with CBX!

he instantly dialed Chanyeol’s number and sent him a text saying that he wants to meet up right now. The taller man replies within a few minutes saying that he’ll be waiting in front of the coffee shop near their apartment building. After reading the text, Kyungsoo put his phone back in the pocket and made his way towards the coffee shop.

When he reached there, he spotted Chanyeol waiting outside the cafe just as he promised. For a moment Kyungsoo felt his heartbeat rise because Chanyeol looked so gorgeous in a black fluffy hoodie and ripped jeans. But he quickly composed himself as he approached the taller man with a smile.

Before taking their seat, they ordered themselves a cup of hot chocolate (because coffee tasted gross according to Kyungsoo and Chanyeol just liked hot chocolate.) When they finally settled down with their warm drinks, Kyungsoo told him everything that happened today.

He told him how nervous he felt, how he thought that he was going to screw up at any moment. He told him about his character and how he tried his best to deliver the lines with feelings. He told him about his sudden exchange with CBX’s main performer Kim Jongdae and gushed how handsome he was in real life.

When he felt that he was done, he looked at Chanyeol to see that the taller man was openly staring at him. His drink was untouched and he had this soft smile on his face that made him look a hundred times more adorable. Kyungsoo felt himself blush at the attention he was getting. It felt so intimate that for a moment he thought that he was peeping into something he wasn’t supposed to.

He cleared his throat to get rid of the tense situation which ultimately broke Chanyeol away from his trance. Realizing that he was spacing up, he let out an embarrassed chuckle and congratulated Kyungsoo with his big toothy grin.

“So when are you guys going to start practicing?” Chanyeol asked as he sipped his cup of hot chocolate.

“From next weekend, five to nine,” Kyungsoo answered. “It’s a good thing that it won’t collide with my chemo schedule and office.”

“Hey, then do you wanna visit Disneyland tomorrow? It’s Saturday after all.” Chanyeol offered after a pause.

Kyungsoo looked up at him with a raised brow wondering how in the world did the taller man found out about his next wish? “How did you know?”

Chanyeol hesitated for a bit before looking at him sheepishly. “I may or may not have gone through your bucket list the other day when you were sleeping?”

Kyungsoo couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the taller man. “That’s not a nice thing to do Chanyeol.” He let out a huff. “You can’t just check out my bucket list without my permission.”

“I’m sorry, Soo,” the taller man apologized in an instant. “I was just curious.”

“Well, whatever.” Kyungsoo shrugged, letting go of his anger as soon as he saw Chanyeol’s pout. When did his defenses get so weak? “as long as you know what you did.”

^^^

Kyungsoo could barely wait for the morning to arrive.

After hearing that he was finally, like finally going to visit Disneyland, he felt so damn excited that he scarcely got any sleep. Though this seemed to affect him the negative way because as soon as he soon woke up that morning, the first thing he did was to vomit his supper out. This left him in a haze but he quickly collected himself and freshened up to seem at least presentable.

It took them exactly 45 minutes to reach Disneyland. Kyungsoo was already buzzing with so much anticipation that he could barely stand still. It was his first time visiting this iconic place. He had heard so much about this place and now he was finally going to visit. he looked up at Chanyeol to see that the other man was already staring down at him with that same amazed look on his face.

“What?” Kyungsoo asked, smiling.

“It’s rare to see you so excited,” Chanyeol stated as they moved forward in the line to buy their daily passport ticket.

“I can’t help it!” Kyungsoo giggled. “It's my first time.”

Chanyeol laughed at his cute antics and moved forward. After a few minutes, they received their tickets and maps from the counter before stepping into the park. As soon as Kyungsoo entered the place, he felt his breath living his lungs.

The park was so huge and so brilliantly decorated that he could believe what he was seeing. There were so many people and so many stalls that he could barely count them. And not only stalls, but it also had a huge museum and there was a big, luxurious five-star hotel too. Before they ventured further, Chanyeol scanned the map they were given and asked which park Kyungsoo wanted to visit first.

Kyungsoo inevitably chose the indoor park first because he always wanted to see it. He had heard that it was the world’s biggest indoor park and it even had an entry to the Guinness book of world record. Chanyeol too agreed with him and together they made their way to the indoor park.

When Kyungsoo entered the indoor theme park, his jaw dropped to the floor because this place was humongous. it was a four-story open-air building with different kinds of attraction on different levels. It also had huge ice skating rink on the ground floor which made Kyungsoo swoon with happiness. But before he could try skating, Chanyeol coaxed him to visit the shooting center named ‘Desperado II’. It was 3D animation shooting game set up as a small cinema for everyone. They quickly showed their passed to enter the hall and took their seats beside each other. Kyungsoo gripped his laser gun tight as the game begun and shot as many monsters as he could. It was thrilling that he didn’t know when he shouting along with game and shooting like his life depended on it. At the end of the game, they ranked everyone according to the monsters they killed along with their photos and Kyungsoo almost died of laughter after seeing how Chanyeol’s reaction was when he came last.

“I can’t believe I lost a shooting game!” Chanyeol wailed as the left the hall to loiter around.

“You looked so funny!” Kyungsoo laughed as he tried to imitate Chanyeol’s expression.

After exploring the indoor theme park, they headed for the other side of the Disneyland. It was connected by a passageway from the second floor of the indoor theme park, called the ‘Outdoor magic island theme park.’ When Kyungsoo first went in through that passageway, he was taken back by the amazing view of the iconic ‘Disney’ castle.

It was so beautiful and mesmerizing that he could hardly put his feelings into words. It was a sheer bliss to see how exquisite it looked. His eyes almost water because he had dreamed about viewing this for so, so long that he could barely believe that he was actually standing there.

“Want me to take a photo of you?” Chanyeol whispered in his ear, instantly breaking him away from his trance.

He was so happy that he completely ignored the close proximity between them and nodded gleefully. He walked in front of the castle and stood there as Chanyeol took a pastel-colored polaroid camera from his backpack and clicked his picture. Kyungsoo instantly snorted after seeing his picture because he looked like a burrito that was freshly out of the oven.

The outdoor theme park was full of extreme rides. By extreme rides, he meant the one he was about to ride - the gyro spin. They again showed their passes and took their seats beside each other. The air was getting kind of chilly but the due to the excitement tinged with fear, he ignored it. When the ride started, Kyungsoo felt like his gut would spill out any moment. The way the ride moved with so much momentum that it scared the shit out of Kyungsoo.

He screamed his lungs out as the ride moved from left to right and when it was finally over, he let out a sigh of relief as he stepped down. As soon as he stepped down, he was hit with dizziness so overpowering that he had to hold onto Chanyeol for support. The taller man helped him to a nearby bench and gave him some water to drink.

“You okay now?” Chanyeol enquired when Kyungsoo was done gulping down the water.

The smaller man answered him a nod and got up from his seat. “Let’s go!” he reached down and clasped the taller man’s hands tightly before pulling him up.

They roamed the outdoor park as they took several pictures here and there. After a short lunch, they went back inside the complex and wandered some more before stopping in front of the ice skating rink. Even though Kyungsoo felt fatigued after walking the whole day, he still skated around the rink for thirty minutes before finally calling it quits.

Before they went home, their last top was the Ferris wheel. Chanyeol didn’t really want to ride it but because Kyungsoo looked so excited about it, that taller man didn’t have the heart to deny him. Hence, they clambered their way into the tiny glass covered box and took their seat facing each other.

The wheel slowly started to rise up and with very few inches up, Kyungsoo felt mesmerized. When they finally reached the top, the wheel stopped to give them the bird view of the Disneyland. To say that it was the most beautiful scenery Kyungsoo had ever seen was an understatement.

it was so ethereal that he couldn’t believe that he was actually seeing it in real life.  The entire Disneyland was in front of his eyes, with its dazzling lights and the evening sky right behind it casting a reddish glow upon the entire place made it look like it was actually carved from a fairytale.

“Chanyeol!” he called out,  pointing towards the ‘Disney’ castle as soon as he spotted it. “Look!”

“It’s beautiful.”

“I know right?” Kyungsoo grinned, turning to look at Chanyeol. But his smile faded away when he noticed how Chanyeol wasn’t looking at anything other than him.

And as he looked at the taller man, he realized how gorgeous Chanyeol looked with the sun casting it’s setting light upon him. His brown hair looked almost golden in the sunlight. he looked so damn beautiful that Kyungsoo couldn’t look away.

They stared at each other for a long time before Chanyeol finally started to move forward. And before Kyungsoo could do anything, soft lips were pressing against his as a warm cups his cheeks, a thumb brushing against his skin.

That night, Kyungsoo didn’t let Chanyeol go back to his apartment. They stayed with each other, cuddling under the blanket as they kissed softly and gently. And as he drifted into slumber with his head pressed against Chanyeol’s chest, he realized something that he was denying for a long, long time.

He was inevitably falling in love with Park Chanyeol.

^^^

The next two months went quite well for Kyungsoo.

His chemotherapy was somewhat working or that’s what Junmyeon had told him after viewing his sixth chemo report. His practice sessions for CBX theatre too was going at a steady pace. And Jongdae had promised him that if he kept his performance up, he will be cast for the role in their upcoming musical.

His relation with Chanyeol too was going as smoothly as it could. They didn’t exactly start dating after that night but it definitely made them much closer than before. Their nights out had turned into dates and very often than not, Chanyeol would lean down to kiss him and then proceed to wrap his arms around him.

The only thing Kyungsoo hated about these past two months was that the effects of chemo were ultimately showing on his body. he was losing his hair every single time he attempted to comb. And not to mention the fatigue he’d get even after menial tasks. He had also lost so much weight that even his clothes from high school seemed loose on him. But the effect he hated the most was nausea and vomiting that came with it.

He hated it with the bottom of his heart because he was a foodie and not being able to stomach any kind of food was the worst kind of punishment for him. he also hated the fact that every dish tasted like metal in his mouth. he knew that he was going to have these effects at one point but it still didn’t justify what he was going through.

it was alright nonetheless because he could still move around no matter how much tired he felt. and Kyungsoo almost thought that he was going to make. He believed that he would be able to overcome his cancer if he completed his treatments properly.

But things started to go awry after his eighth chemo.

The day after he received his chemo, he couldn’t get up from the bed. At first, he thought that it was probably just another side effect of the treatment so he didn’t bother much and took the medicines that were provided to him for it. He felt a bit better after that, so he didn’t ponder on it much and went to his theatre session along with Chanyeol.

on the day of his first show with CBX, his health took turn for worse.

As soon as Kyungsoo stepped up on the stage, he felt a strange pain rising from his mid-region which traveled through his entire body, making him nearly collapse on the stage. But remembering his promise to Jongdae and the entire team of CBX, he held onto himself and performed the show with as much as emotion he could gather.

When the final curtains closed signaling the end of the show, he stepped down from the stage and dragged himself to Chanyeol who was waiting at the side of the stage. He tried his best to smile up at the taller man but one look at his face and Chanyeol was instantly pulling him aside.

“Soo..what happened?” Chanyeol asked concern etched in every corner of his face. “You look so pale. Are you alright?”

“I’m good.” he lied because he didn’t want to worry the older man. But he knew Chanyeol didn’t buy it when he leaned down to check his temperature.

Chanyeol let out a gasp as soon as he touched his forehead. “Soo, you’re burning!” He instantly fished out his phone and started dialing for a cab. “We’re going to the hospital now.”

Before Kyungsoo could protest further, he felt his vision getting hazy and before he knew it, he already collapsing on the floor as he wished for this pain to go away.

^^^

“I don’t understand.”

Kyungsoo heard Junmyeon’s voice as he returned back to consciousness. He slowly opened his eyes to see that familiar white ceiling and heard that same beeping noise around him. He was once again at the hospital he dreaded so much. he fluttered his eyes shut and listened hard to what Junmyeon was saying.

“What is it?”

Kyungsoo heard Chanyeol’s shaky voice. he wanted to reach out and hold the taller man’s hand and assure him that whatever it was, it was probably going to be okay. But as he heard the words which left Junmyeon’s mouth, he felt his whole body becoming still.

“His chemo,” he heard Junmyeon let out a sigh. “it has stopped working all of a sudden.”

“What?” Chanyeol gasped.

“I don’t understand it too!” Junmyeon admitted. “His seventh chemo showed stable results but last night when I ran the tumor marker test, it showed that it had risen.”

“It’s my first time seeing this kind of reaction.”

“How long do I have then?” Kyungsoo couldn’t help but ask.  

Realizing that he was awake, Junmyeon turned to face him with his calculated smile. “Don’t worry Kyungsoo. We’ll do everything we can to...”

but before the doctor could finish his sentence, Kyungsoo cut him off by asking in a sharp voice “How long?”

Junmyeon let out a sigh and looked down. “Maximum three weeks,” he answered reluctantly.

Hearing his answer, Kyungsoo’s world stopped for a moment. He glanced in Chanyeol’s direction once and saw that tears were streaming down his face. He took a deep breath in and relaxed back in bed. three weeks. He only had three weeks left before he would leave it all. he only had three weeks left to cherish everything that he once had in his life.

only three weeks.

Kyungsoo didn’t know how to react to the news. He had thought that when he would be near death, he’d have no regrets. But as he lay there with Chanyeol sniffling in the distance, the only thing he could think about was how unfair life was. How unfair it was to give him the perfect person, to give him the perfect memories only to take them away. He felt like screaming, he felt like wanting to flip the world upside down. But the only thing he could do was lay there and cry silently.

He didn’t want to die.

At first, he thought that he’d be able to embrace it easily, bravely, just like his father did. But now he felt scared. He felt terrified thinking that his end was drawing near. He didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to leave the happiness that he was finally receiving in his life.

he didn’t want to leave Chanyeol alone.

“Chanyeol...” he croaked out, moving his hand towards him, asking him to hold him.

The taller man got up from where he was sitting and wiped his face with the hem of his shirt. He then put on his characteristic grin and stepped near Kyungsoo as he clasped his hands tightly. None of them said anything. They just stayed beside each other as both of them tried to come in terms with the fact they just heard.

it was Kyungsoo who broke the silence first. He looked up at Chanyeol and said: “I’m scared, Chanyeol. I don’t want to die.”

That’s all it took for Chanyeol to crumble down. He hugged the smaller man and wept with him as Kyungsoo tried to hold his own sobs back.

He really didn’t want to die.

^^^

Kyungsoo wasn’t allowed to leave the hospital since he only had three weeks left. All the doctors thought it would be safer if he departed here. Although Kyungsoo disliked it very much, he couldn’t really argue with them. After the news spread out, he had his friends and colleagues pour in and out, saying their goodbyes to him.

Chanyeol didn’t leave his side for more than ten minutes ever since that day. he stayed there like his shadow, a calming presence Kyungsoo could fall back into no matter what time of the day it was. He stayed there whenever Kyungsoo needed him and that’s all that mattered.

He woke up one morning to find Chanyeol sprawled on the sofa, his mouth hanging open and hair a mess. He let his eyes linger on his face as he felt a smile creep up his face. Even when Chanyeol was sleeping, he was still so adorable. Kyungsoo almost felt tempted to get up and ran his hands through his hair, but he stayed in his bed when he felt his vision become hazy again.

“Chanyeol...” he softly called out, hoping that Chanyeol wouldn’t hear it for a second. But the small sound was enough to rouse him up and he sat up straight before giving Kyungsoo his characteristic toothy grin.

“What is it, Soo?” he asked. His voice low from sleep.

Kyungsoo felt himself shudder at the sound. it won’t be long before he would stop hearing this sound before he would stop hearing the word ‘Soo’ from his mouth. “Can you bring me the journal?” he asked.

Chanyeol nodded and passed him the green colored diary before getting up from his seat and going to the toilet to freshen up.

Kyungsoo opened the diary and looked down at his bucket list. He had written so many things and most of them were complete. He had tried several new cuisines, got himself a new plant, went to the Disneyland, auditioned for CBX, got a new camera, took a walk. He had even completed the wish he thought was going to stay unfinished - he had fallen in love. The only thing that he needed to do before he died was to confess his feelings to Chanyeol.

he closed his diary just as Chanyeol returned from the toilet, washed up. His hair was wet and water droplets dribbled down his skin as he toweled dry his hair. “What are you up to, Soo?”

“I’m thinking about writing a few letters,” Kyungsoo answered. “Can you get me a pen and some papers?”

“I’ll be back in moment,” Chanyeol replied as he grabbed his wallet and ran out of the room.

As Kyungsoo waited for Chanyeol to return, he thought about what he going to write in the letters and to whom he was going to send them. The first one was obviously for Baekhyun. His best friend and first love. He didn’t know what he going to write for him yet, but he knew that the first letter was meant only for him.

He was probably going to write the second letter to Jongdae. Even though they knew each other for a smaller period of time, he had become one of Kyungsoo’s closest friends. And if Kyungsoo didn’t write him a letter, he would probably regret it even after he died.

And the last one was inevitably meant for Chanyeol - the man he truly loved. He didn’t know how he was going to pour his feelings out for the taller man but he would try his best to portray anything and everything he felt for him.

Before Kyungsoo could ponder further, Chanyeol returned with the papers and a bouquet of red roses. He gave them to him in a princely manner making him chuckle. “For my king,” he said after Kyungsoo accepted the flowers and proceeded to smell them.

“You’re so cheesy.” he giggled as he kept them in his lap and extended his arms out, motioning Chanyeol to hug him.

That night when Chanyeol fell asleep, Kyungsoo wrote the letters according to the order he had set in his mind. he knew that if he didn’t do it now, he won’t have the opportunity to do it again. Think of him as pessimistic but he was aware that his body was slowly giving up. Hence, he carefully wrote each of the letters and poured his heart because it would probably be the last time he did something like this.

In Baekhyun’s letter, he thanked him for all the times they had spent together. From their childhood to till date. He thanked him for never giving up on him and believing in him when he himself didn’t. He told him about his feelings, how he fell in love with him and how devastated he was when he found out that he was dating their coworker Sehun. And as he finished up his letter, he wished him good luck in life and asked him to not forget about him.

In Jongdae’s letter too, he thanked him for choosing him even though he had no previous experience. He told him that even though they knew each other for a short period of time, he was glad that he got to know someone like Jongdae before he died. He told him that his high notes were truly amazing and if anyone ever told him otherwise, he should just rip their head off. As he finished his letter, he wished him good luck with his theatre and life ahead and asked him to remember him as a friend who adored him.

He wrote Chanyeol’s letter that night too, but he kept it aside. He wanted Chanyeol to read it after he was gone.

And as the days started to pass by, Kyungsoo could feel his body becoming weak. He started sleeping more, eating less. Some Days he would go into semi-conscious state where everything seemed as it was drifting. And some days he would feel so restless that he would often end up picking up on his sheets.

He knew his end was nearing soon. As he anticipated his death with each passing day, he thought back more on the days that he had spent. He remembered his days from childhood, looked back on his days of high school, thought about the first time he entered his job. he recollected all the moments in his life and cherished each one of them with great.

If only he had more time.

A few nights later, he laid together with Chanyeol, with his head pressed against his chest and his warm hands running up down his spine in a comforting manner. They talked about all the menial things, just like they did when they went to that Indian restaurant.

“Kyungsoo...” Chanyeol said when he noticed the smaller man staring up at him. “You know I’ve always liked you since the start.”

“Really?” marveled Kyungsoo, a small smile creeping up his lips.

“Yeah,” Chanyeol confessed. “Ever since I saw you walking inside our apartment building with those boxes, I liked you.”

“What about now?” Kyungsoo asked, tilting his head to look at the taller man better. “How do you feel about me now?”

“I love you,” expressed Chanyeol as he looked down at him. “I have loved you for a long time Kyungsoo and I'll continue to love you for the rest of my life.”

Kyungsoo closed his eyes as Chanyeol swooped down to place a chaste kiss on his lips. “I love you too, Chanyeol.”

The taller man buried his face on his neck as Kyungsoo continued to whisper the words back to him. He told him the words until Chanyeol stopped him with another kiss on his lips. After that they kissed for a while, gentle and soft. They kissed until Kyungsoo’s entire being felt like melting.

“Chanyeol can you do something for me?” Kyungsoo asked when they pulled back.

“Anything for you, Soo,” Chanyeol answered without missing a beat. “anything for you.”

“Sing me a song.” Kyungsoo requested. He could feel his breathing becoming shallower, his head spinning wildly. “I want to listen to your voice.”

Chanyeol began singing the song he often heard whenever he missed Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo relaxed in his arms as he heard Chanyeol’s deep and gruff voice, smiling at the taller male, just happy to be by his side like this for the very last time. His eyes started to water as Chanyeol sang his heart out to ‘say you won’t let go’ but he closed his eyes to hide it.

As Chanyeol’s song drew towards its end, Kyungsoo felt his consciousness slip away. he felt his grip loosening, his body becoming relaxed. He took one last glance at Chanyeol and closed his eyes for the very last time.

His whole life flashed in front of his eyes as he fell deeper and deeper into this abyss of darkness. He recalled his mother’s smile, his dad’s jokes, Baekhyun’s nagging, Jongdae’s smile, Junmyeon’s concern. he remembered Chanyeol smiles, his eyes, his goofiness. he remembered his kisses and how bright his eyes shone every time he talked about something he liked.

And as his last thread to the world slipped, he remembered how much he meant to him and how much he was in love with him.

That night, as Chanyeol finished his song with tears streaming down his face, Kyungsoo died a happy man knowing that he had lived a life full of happiness.

^^^

Two days after Kyungsoo passed away, Chanyeol came to collect all his belongings and pay the residual bill. He hadn’t slept in properly in 72 hours. None of them had. Kyungsoo’s best friend Baekhyun had also come to help him. Though he didn’t need any kind of help, the other man’s presence felt like a comforting shadow.

Chanyeol could hardly breathe as he stepped inside the room where Kyungsoo once admitted in. Just two days ago, the smaller man was still here with his precious eyes and adorable smile. But now, there was nothing. No sign of that deep laughter, no sign of Kyungsoo calling his name.

“Chanyeol - ssi,” Baekhyun called, drawing his attention. “You pick up his stuff. I’m going to the reception. I can’t stand here any longer.” He croaked out as he ran out of the room, barely holding his tears.

Chanyeol took a deep breath to compose himself. Kyungsoo wouldn’t want to see him upset like this. he gave himself a few seconds before he started collecting his items one by one and put them inside the black duffel bag. Just when he was about to pick up Kyungsoo’s diary, a white paper slipped from it. He became curious when he saw his name written on it in Kyungsoo’s scrawly handwriting.

He bent down and picked up the letter before running his thumb over the words wondering when Kyungsoo had the time to write this. He carefully opened the letter and saw that it was dated six days back before Kyungsoo’s death.

He took a deep breath and started reading the letter with bated breath.

“Dear Chanyeol,

                If you’re reading this letter, that means I must have passed away. Um...now how do I say this? I actually planned to give you this letter through Baekhyun but that brat would probably be crying in a corner to remember anything. Anyways, I am writing this letter because there are few things that I want to say to you but I don’t have the courage to say them while looking at your face.

First of all, I want to thank you. I want to thank you for giving me hope in my darkest hours. For showing me that it’s not over till it’s over. If you hadn’t compelled me to do this bucket list, I probably would have died as a very sad man. But because you were there, you guided me and helped to see a part of life that I never imagined I’d see on my own. Because you were there, you encouraged me and supported me even when times were hard. And Chanyeol, babe, you don’t know how much thankful I am for that.

The second that I want to tell you is that I love you. I love you, Park Chanyeol. I love you from the bottom of my heart. I know I don’t express it much but it’s what I truly feel about you. I have never, ever, met someone as dazzling as you. You know your eyes shines really bright whenever you talked about your writing. And did I mention that I love your hair?  God this is so embarrassing. I feel like a high school girl who’s writing a letter to their crush. But I won’t stop because I have to say this. Chanyeol I love the way you laugh. I hope I could record it and take it with me in the other world. And did I say that I just adore your personality? Baby, you are so, so precious.  You are such a goofball yet you’re so mature. you know how to make anyone happy. And I just really, really love you, you know that? I don’t even know when I started feeling this way for you. Maybe it was during that Ferris wheel ride where you kissed me for the first time. Or maybe it was from the day you said you’d help me fulfill my bucket list. Honestly, I don’t know. All I know that I got to know someone as amazing as you in my short life period. the only thing I regret is ignoring you all those times, thinking you were an annoying brat. I’m sorry about that, Yeol. You’ll forgive this foolish lover of yours, right?

And the last thing I want to say before I end this letter is that I want you to live your life to the fullest. I want you to go out and have fun. I want you to make new friends, fall in love. I want you to enjoy your life. You don’t have to feel guilty about me. Just remember me from time to time and that will be enough. Fill your soul to its brim and then come to me okay? I’ll wait for you here. I’ll wait for you no matter how long it takes for us to be reunited again. Until then, take care of yourself and remember that a certain Do Kyungsoo will always, always love you.

                                                                                                                                                                                                   From,

                                                                                                                                                                                                    Kyungsoo.”

Tears didn’t stop flowing from his eyes as he read every single word of the letter. He gripped the letter to his chest and cried. He cried until no more tears spilled from his eyes. And then he just stood there, staring at the white walls as he recalled the words from the letters.

That day when he walked out of the hospital, he promised to live the life the way Kyungsoo wanted. And until his last breath, he followed his every sentence. He lived his life to the fullest, made new friends, fell in love. He filled his soul to the brim with all kinds of experience and when it was finally his time to go, he couldn’t feel happier.

Because he was finally going to see Kyungsoo.

A certain Do Kyungsoo who always, always loved him.