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Hera always felt conflicted about coming back to Lothal, now. It was ripping open her wounds and reminded her of things she tried to forget, but there was also a sense of comfort in that place. Throughout all those years, they really could start calling it their home.
And Jacen loved it. He loved spending time on the planet, he loved the grassy hills, and chilly mountains, he loved wandering around the Capital City, looking at the various markets and fairs. He loved coming to the mural with her.
This was one of those times. Usually, there would be the rest of their family with them, but with Sabine gone to find Ezra, Zeb on Lira San with Kallus, and Chopper who knows where (still on Lothal though, at least his captain hoped so), Hera and Jacen were alone this time. Hera found it very peaceful, nevertheless. She loved all of her family, but spending time only with Jacen felt precious, something she couldn’t get enough of and what she felt like will start to fleet from her too soon. Jacen was only six years old, but she already worried how much time passed that she just didn’t notice. Sometimes she felt like it was slipping through her fingers, unnoticed by no one, not even herself.
That was why, she found herself looking fondly at her son, as he was playing with a loth-cat near her. She parked the Ghost next to the tower, really more from the habit, as they both prefered to sleep on the ship. It gave her son an opportunity to play in the grass, as she could tell he was really enjoying it.
Sometimes she was still overwhelmed with how much she loved him. She never expected herself to love someone this much after Kanan was gone. And on the other hand, she shouldn’t be surprised. Jacen was their son. How could she not love him, unconditionally, with every fiber of her being?
She smiled seeing him laughing, trying to stop the loth-cat from licking all over his face.
“It tickles!” he exclaimed happily. Hera chuckled.
“It has to!” she shouted back to him. At the same time, she came upon an idea. Quietly she moved towards Jacen who was still very much focused on the loth-cat. She crawled on her knees and hands, smirking. Jacen was still paying zero attention to her as she hoped he would.
When she came close enough, so the loth-cat sensed someone else and suddenly ran away, frightened, she commenced her attack on Jacen. She ran her fingers down his sides, as he started giggling.
“Mom! It tickles!” he shouted between the short laughs.
“Because it’s the tickle fight!” she said to him, going for his neck, with one hand still tickling his side. Jacen tried to fight back and tickle her too, but he couldn’t quite reach her. She leaned a little to let him do it, and she chuckled when he tickled her side.
“Mommy, stop it, I’m gonna die!” he shouted through his giggles. Hera laughed, but eased a little.
And when she stopped, Jacen threw himself at her with a wide grin, his hands immediately at her stomach. She let him for a moment, before she caught him and brought him closer to herself.
She breathed out with relief when Jacen reciprocated, squeezing her, his tiny arms around her. She was afraid that soon he will be too old, even for hugging. But she hoped he knew that he could always come to her with anything, and that she would always support him. He had to know it.
“Jacen,” she started, with a hint of a question in her voice.
“Yes, mommy?” he asked in the response, muffled a little, as his face was partially hidden in her shoulder.
“I love you,” she said, the words easier to say than a few years ago. She felt him smiling against her shirt.
“I love you too, mama,” he said. Hera held on tighter to him. She never wanted to let go.
She took a deep breath in, enjoying this quiet moment with her son, the warmth of his skin, the feeling of innocence that he still carried with himself. She wanted to envelope them into that sweet moment of affection, and stay there as long as she could, where they would be safe and sound. The war might be no more, but the wounds it created, left them marked for their whole lifes.
She grinned when another moment passed and Jacen still didn’t let go of her.
“You’re gonna stay like that?” she asked him, and received an eager nod of his head in response. His hands tightened around her waist, and he buried his face into her neck. Hera kept her arms around him, her hand travelling to his head, ruffling his hair with care. Then, she dropped her head down a little to kiss the top of Jacen’s head.
“Come on, little love. You must be hungry by now. We’ll go for some nice lunch in the town, sounds good?” she asked. Jacen broke off from her to look up at her, but still kept his tiny arms around her. He shook his head.
“No, mama,” Hera raised her eyebrow at that, a quirk of her lip lifting, as Jacen continued. “First, I need to kiss you, because you gave me one, and you didn’t have any!” he told her. Hera laughed heartily.
“Well, I can’t argue with that logic,” she answered, smiling at him. Jacen’s joy that was so visible on his face, was worth every hardship that she had ever endured for him.
He moved his hands and placed them on Hera’s cheeks, and unintentionally squeezing them, he raised himself to reach, what he probably meant to be a forehead, but he ended up kissing the tip of her nose. Hera started laughing, and Jacen did as well, seeing her being happy.
“Can we go now?” she asked, grinning.
“Yes!” he answered, enthusiastically. Hera took his hands into hers, raised him to stand up by her, and then stood up herself.
Together, they headed to the city, his little hand in hers. It was a peaceful and relaxing trip, though not a quiet one. Jacen had questions about practically everything they'd encountered, on their way to the city and through it. (“Mama, what’s that strange lekku of this man?” “Mom, why is everything white here?” “Why that fruit is yellow, but that one is pink, and that one is the mix of them?” “Look, it’s a loth-cat, right there, on the roof! Why is it on the roof?”).
They ate in comfortable atmosphere of afternoon and the relax that Hera was such not used to that she almost expected something to happen. But nothing did. They had a normal lunch, like mother and son. For a moment Hera could imagine, could live in an illusion that it was always like this. But then, she needed one look at the man across the street who was clearly struggling with walking, or maybe more adjusting to his prosthetic leg. The longer she looked, the more she saw of war veterans. And the deeper she digged into her own mind, her heart, the more pain she could feel.
And still, despite all of this, there was hope. There were children running on the marketplace. There were lovers in the shadow of the buildings to hide from the sun and the eyes of other people, as they were stealing kisses from each other. There were families going on, every day, even when war took from them more than they were willing to give. There were people, happy, because they could enjoy the sunshine on their faces without stormtroopers walking on the other side of the street. There were people who could enjoy their passions now, as free.
And then, there was Jacen sitting across her, sipping a juice through the straw. He smiled at her, when he saw her looking at him.
There was pain and hurt, but there was also joy. There was hope.
There were memories as well. Memories of past, some she wanted to forget, some she wished she had more of to enjoy it without the war around them.
It wasn’t easy coming back to them, though sometimes, remembering Kanan, was what gave her the comfort that she needed, the inspiration that she needed. Sometimes remembering him hurt. Sometimes the love they had was so strong that through the share power of her memories she was able to feel it again.
Sometimes it was enough to look at their son.
That was why, soon after the lunch, they headed towards the mural. The first time Hera had seen it, she had to hold back her tears. Zeb didn’t even try to stop them. Sabine only said that she needed to paint something to preserve their family, in the memory of Kanan and Ezra. Hera didn’t need it to remember them. It was still, a beautiful painting, though.
Now, when she entered the niche with Jacen, who was holding her hand tightly, she felt differently. She was almost happy in some way. Standing by the mural, seeing him, how he was, she could talk to him, if only in her mind, and it was healing. Sometimes she could almost feel his presence, maybe because it was Lothal, maybe she was imagining things.
And when she was there with Jacen, maybe, just for a moment, they could feel what should have been, like if he was still with them.
Jacen, usually, enjoyed coming to the mural. It wasn’t the only place where he was hearing stories about his father, but it held some significance in it. Hera wondered what questions he’ll have this time. He always had questions, some Hera wished she had an answer for.
They were alone there, thankfully. They sat down in front of the mural, complementing it quietly. Jacen knew he had to wait a moment with his own questions. He knew that his mom liked to take those few first minutes to remember his dad in silence, think about him, maybe talk to him in her head. Jacen wasn't sure.
“Hi, love,” she whispered, but Jacen could hear her. At first he thought she called to him, but then he saw her looking up at the face of his father. He thought that there was really a lot of love on her face when she did that.
Then, she indeed, was silent for a few long minutes. Jacen’s mind wandered. He always heard about his father, but he never really knew who he was. He’s never gonna. But maybe, he could ask his mom to show him some holo-recordings.
As minutes passed, Hera tried to tell Kanan as much as she could.
Jacen started the phase of being curious to the almost ridiculous amount. Judging by what you have told me, he has that after you. There are questions that I don’t know how to answer. You were always better with that. I wish you could be here. He’s growing up so fast. Sometimes I feel like I’m turning my head away for a while and he’s two years older.
I think that I’m afraid that he will grow up too fast. I never minded being alone before, but now it seems like a hard thing to do. Letting go.
But for now, I guess I want to enjoy it. Every single moment.
She felt the tears gathering up in her eyes and she wanted to curse herself for them. She didn’t want to cry again, and she didn’t want to cry in front of Jacen.
I’m so sorry love. I’m sorry that I couldn’t see what was so clear. I’m sorry for being so stupid. I’m sorry for holding us back from more, from what we could have.
She didn’t realize when it happened, but Jacen crawled on her lap, hugging her close. She reciprocated immediately, holding onto him. She wasn’t surprised he was trying to comfort her when he saw she was in distress. It was such a Kanan thing to do, and Jacen, with his childlike innocence and pureness of his heart was taking after his father in that way. Maybe the reasons were different, but that goodness that she saw in Kanan on Gorse, was blooming in her son, as well.
It made her thoughts and emotions going to nicer places. She kept her eyes closed, but the tears didn’t threat to fall this time. She run her hand through Jacen’s hair.
He’s truly amazing, Kanan. He’s such a good kid. Everything I could wish for.
She hold on a little tighter to him.
I just wish you would know him. He’s your own damn kid. And honestly, Kanan, I couldn’t be prouder. Of both of you.
I love you so much.
Jacen stayed in her arms and she didn’t let go.
A few long moments passed before he started moving on her lap, facing the mural now. She kept her arms around him, as they both were sitting and looking at Kanan.
Hera waited for inevitable.
“Mom?” she heard and couldn’t stop herself from smirking.
“Yes, little love?” she asked, wondering what he will ask about this time.
“What was dad’s favorite color?” he asked, a genuine curiosity in his voice. Hera chuckled.
“Green. Definitely.” she answered, chuckling.
“Because you are green?” Hera still couldn’t stop smiling.
“He claimed so. But he wore this awful sweater when I met him. Guess what color it was.” Jacen shrugged, and then, looked at her through his shoulder, a wicked spark in his eye and a smirk on his face.
“It was you, mama,” he said. Hera shook her head, smiling.
“My favorite is green too,” he said. Of course it was.
“What is yours, mom?” he asked. Hera leaned down to him, to look at his face. He looked back at her. She traced his green eyebrow with her finger, affectionately.
“Look at the mural Jacen,” she asked him. He was quick to listen.
“Look at your dad. And tell me what you see.”
“I see a man. He has a beard. And funny eyebrows!” Hera chuckled.
“You realize you have them after him, right?” she teased him. Jacen laughed.
“I like having funny eyebrows,” he answered. Well, Hera couldn’t argue with that.
“What else do you see?”
“Dad has brown hair. Long hair. Can I have hair like that?” he asked.
“If you want to. But when you get older.” she said. Jacen glanced at her, joy on his face.
“I want to!” he exclaimed happily.
There was a moment of silence after that, which Hera was about to change, thinking Jacen simply forgot what she had asked him at the beginning, but he beat her out to it.
“He looks peaceful. Wise. And kind. And caring, because he has his arm around you and Ezra. I just don’t know why his eyes are white. But there’s good there.” he said. Hera smiled sadly. She was glad he could read Kanan from the picture so well. Telling him about how Kanan was blinded was story for another time. She had to explain it differently.
“Your dad couldn’t see. There was … A fight. A battle. And he lost his sight. That’s why his eyes are white here.” she took a little pause to not overload Jacen with informations.
“But before that, he had the exact same color as you have. Remind me when we get back home and I’ll show you some holos.” she continued. She will also have to remember to have a talk with Chopper about not showing Jacen anything inappropriate. By the way, she still had no idea where her droid went to. He probably was causing some chaos in the town.
Jacen’s face lit up as he looked at her.
“Really? I wanted to see them!”
“I know you did,” she whispered, smiling.
She couldn’t help her heart sinking a little, when Jacen’s smile disappeared. He seemed very sad in that moment.
“Does that mean he couldn’t see me, if he was here?” Hera took a deep breath. That was kind of a question, she wanted to avoid. But her son deserved an answer.
“He could see in different ways. And he is somewhere out there, watching over us, from the Cosmic Force” she said. Jacen nodded.
“I guess I’m gonna understand this when I will be older,” he said, and Hera chuckled. She was sometimes terrified by how intelligent Jacen was. But mostly she was amazed with it.
He turned in her lap again, this time facing her.
“So what’s your favorite color, mama?” he repeated the question. Hera smirked.
“His eyes, honey. And your eyes.” Jacen looked at her like he was trying to grasp the secret of the galaxy, when she had told him that, considering her words. But then he looked up at her smiling.
“You can look at them how long you want to,” he said. Hera bursted out laughing.
“Thank you kind sir,” she answered, jokingly. Jacen had the biggest grin on his face.
“I won’t sleep tonight, so you can look at them!” he exclaimed happily. Hera laughed.
“That was a very smart move, but I would prefer you to sleep. You need your rest, love.” she said. Jacen shook his head.
“I really want you to look at your favorite color, mama!” Force, what have she ever done to deserve that sweet and caring child?
She reached out with her hand and brushed it through his hair, smiling.
“I believe you, Jacey. But you still need to sleep.” she said.
Jacen looked at her for a long time, before he leaned towards her and closed his arms around her waist.
Hera reciprocated, holding him tight, caressing the back of his head with her hand.
When they parted, Jacen turned back to look at the mural, and asked another question.
They’ve spent a lot of time there, Jacen asking, and Hera answering. Some of them were innocent questions that Hera had fun answering, remembering Kanan. (“What dad liked to eat?” “Did dad liked to cook?” “What was his favorite song?” “How long did you know dad?” “Did you kiss dad goodnight, like me?”).
Some were more difficult, and the ones she wished she could answer properly.
“Why did dad have to die?” he asked, out of blue. Hera’s heart started beating like crazy, her old wounds reopening. How many times had she asked herself the exact same question?
“It was war, Jacen. People died. Sometimes it was unavoidable.” she took a deep breath. “Your dad died, saving all of us. Me, you, Sabine, and Ezra. He died saving thousands of lives.” her voice trembled, and she tightened the embrace which she had around him. Jacen leaned into her.
“Didn’t he want to be with us?” Hera bit her lip.
“Oh, honey, there’s nothing that I’m more sure of. He wanted this. He wanted you. But life isn’t always about what we want, when there are innocent lives at stake.” she realized, she shouldn’t be telling him that, and that it was this idea which led her sideways for such a long time. “We should think about ourselves, but we should also think about other people, the one who need our help and who can’t help themselves.” she added, knowing that Jacen probably wouldn’t understand it, not now. But she didn’t know how else to explain it, and she hoped for his intelligence.
“Did he love you?” Hera blinked away her tears.
“He did. He loved me more than I thought was possible. And I loved him. I still do.”
“Why did he leave then?” asked Jacen. Before Hera could answer, he added in agonizingly sad voice: “Would he love me?”
Hera was trembling, overwhelmed with emotions, but somehow, thinking about how much Jacen needed her, she found the strength in herself, and hold him tight, as she turned him in her arms to face her. She put her hands on his shoulders, delicately.
She hated to see his glassy eyes. She didn’t want him to be hurt by something he had no impact on, and what he wondered about when it was a pretty clear case, but probably only to her. How could Jacen know it, after all?
“Jacen Syndulla. Look at me.” she said, a certain conviction in her voice, a firm believe, but also the gentleness that Jacen was well accustomed to. He did as she asked him to.
“Listen to me carefully. Your father was a brave man. And most importantly, he was a good man. He was good and he wanted to help the people he loved, and the people who needed that help. He died in the process. But never, never doubt his love for you, or the love that he had for me that we had for each other. He loves both of us very dearly, even when he’s not here. What he did, he did out of love for us. I know it’s not easy to understand, because I feel the same. But I knew him, Jacen. I knew him more than anyone. And I know that not only would he love you. He loves you.” she said, a few tears falling down her cheek and on Jacen’s knee.
She didn’t expect Jacen to reach out to her.
“Don’t cry mama,” he said, and wiped off the tears from her cheek with his hand.
She clinged to him, as he did the same. They were holding each other for a long time, before Hera pulled away a little, to look at him.
“You’re such a wise boy, you know?” she said, gently combing her hand through his hair. He smiled at her.
They spent the rest of the day together. It was quiet and peaceful, though at the end of it Hera was very tired. But well, they did chase some wild loth-cats after all.
Hera found the holos that Chopper kept and which she promised to Jacen, and showed them to him, before they’ve gone to bed. She could tell how fascinated with Kanan he was.
She was still trying. She was not, by all means, perfect in what she was doing. She just wanted to spare Jacen as much pain as she could.
But seeing him sleeping, his arms around her, his face content and happy, she thought that she must have done something right. Even if she was still a little lost herself, and unsure of what she was doing and how to raise him sometimes. Seeing his joy was worth it.
I hope that you really can see it love,
She fell asleep feeling more at ease than she felt in years.