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Blair may be hardheaded, but I can outlast him in a showdown. He, rightly, thought I was completely insane when I told him that I wanted to go into work and pretend this never happened. In fact, I heard him making a move for the phone because he was certain that I needed immediate medical attention since the Golden had obviously affected my brain. When I finally got him to realize that this was all my idea, he begrudgingly listened. He wasn't happy about the idea, but what could we do? The dealers were still on the street and no matter how much we tried to deny it, we had to do this. I couldn't stand to just wallow in my own pity when all I could think about was that dear girl falling to her death in hopes to reach her Golden Palace.
On the upside for Sandburg, he got to drive my truck. I realize now that it wasn't such a great idea considering he observes every single traffic law ever passed, and some that I'm sure never existed. He was jittery and sure that it would never work, but I was my usual calm and cool self. What many don't realize is that when I'm hard as a rock on the outside, I'm like Jell-O on the inside. Dad always taught us to be tough, but sometimes it scares me not knowing how it will all turn out. I had this bad feeling in the back of my mind that it might not be all right. I might just be blind the rest of my life. Then what? Then....I'll deal with it. That's not important now, I have to concentrate on getting past Simon and the rest of the guys. Pretending, I'm good at that.
So here we stand in the otherwise empty elevator, Sandburg and his blind companion. I hate that word, blind. It's just feels like I should be on the street corner with a tin cup selling pencils. The sad thing is, Sandburg would probably be right there beside me making change. I got to hand it to the guy, he's determined to make everything right. I think he would honestly walk through fire to tag along with me and not just because he has to, but because he wants to. Truly amazing, baffling and sometimes stupid, but amazing.
"Put these on," Sandburg shoved something into my wandering hands. That's another thing, I never know what to do with my hands. I can't see what's out there, so I can't know where it's safe to put them. I can't go waving them about in front of me, though, because that would be a dead giveaway.
"My sunglasses?" I asked as I put them on. "Where'd you find these?"
"I grabbed them from the table before we left. You need them," he tried to downplay the last part.
"Is it really that bad?" I asked as I turned my newly shaded eyes toward him.
"Not bad, just weird. You never look at me, you can't. I just think it'll be safer this way, no one can tell if you have them on."
I was going to delve deeper into this, but the elevator dinged to let us know that this was our floor. Sandburg put his hand on my arm, guiding me. Thankfully, this wasn't so strange that it would tip anyone off. He's always grabbing me for some reason; mostly to help me focus, but it's become more habit now. He took me to the Breakroom first, getting us both a strong cup of coffee because, as he said, it was just too early for the Vodka that he needed to calm his nerves. I knew that he was nervous and I knew he thought it was going to fail, but I couldn't let that get to me. I had to believe, even if I knew it was logically impossible. I could hear the sounds of the Bullpen surrounding us as we entered. We were headed for Simon's office, I knew, but it felt strange. I was lost in the most familiar place I knew. All the years I spent in this place meant nothing now because I couldn't see and you never really listen to a place till you have to. This wasn't the same office that I had known last week.
"Now remember, don't get too hyped up. Just keep the tone level and don't let on that anything's wrong," Blair told me as we paused at Simon's door. "If we can fool him, we're set."
After Simon answered our knock with a gruff beckoning, the show was on. There was no turning back now and we both knew it. I don't think it set Blair's mind much at ease when I automatically bumped into a table on our entrance.
"Too bright in here for you?" Simon asked me.
"Oh sorry, sir," I replied as I removed my sunglasses, the only veil I had to mask the truth.
"So any progress?" Simon began, obviously none the wiser to my plight.
"We met with three men at Slicks who are involved in the sale of Golden. Uh, one of them appears to be the hired muscle. The other two we're not sure yet."
"Did the thing with Cyrus work?"
"Like a charm, yeah." This was going good, no trouble at all.
"Did you get a sample?" OK, trouble.
"I did, sir, but I, uh, lost it," I faltered.
"Lost it?" Simon's voice tinged with ire.
"In a crowd," Sandburg tried to help. He was standing behind me, which I had failed to realize before.
"Well, did you follow them? Find out who they were?" I knew he wanted something, anything to prove that this wasn't a lost cause. "Uh, no that wasn't possible, sir, not without compromising my cover." Well, it was partly true. I couldn't go chasing after deadbeats when I couldn't even walk straight. "I gave them my cell phone number, so I'm sure they're gonna call me. I wanna hold off on making any arrests until we're positive that we're dealing with the principal players here."
"Yeah, well, that makes sense."
There was a very noticeable pause. Oh no, I'm busted. He's probably caught sight of my dead giveaway. I knew I shouldn't have taken off the sunglasses.
"Uh, coffee? No thanks, I'm fine here, Simon, thanks," Blair piped up.
"Yeah, no thank you, Simon. You know me and that flavored stuff. What is that? Hazelnut? Thank you." Yes, I was babbling. What else could I say? I had to cover it up or look like a fool for not taking the coffee before now.
"You feeling okay, Jim?" Simon asked.
"Fine, sir. Hey, maybe we should get on it." Get out of here I meant. I just bide my time and he won't catch on. "Yeah," Sandburg agreed.
I stood up, sure that I was home free.
"Hand me that file there, Sandburg," Simon told him.
"Okay," Blair tried to mask his unease. I knew he was probably ready to bust a blood vessel at all this secrecy, but he was doing a good job so far.
"Just the cigar's getting to me," I tried to explain away my strange nature. With that, I moved towards where I thought the door was. How was I to know Sandburg was there? He's too quiet at the most inopportune times. I could hear papers scatter everywhere. "Sorry," I tried to apologize.
"I got, Jim. I got it."
Just head out the door, that's all you have to do Ellison. Another bad idea from my jumbled mind. I heard the thud of the wood meeting Blair's...sounded like his skull.
"Ow!"
"Oh God! I'm sorry."
"Ow..." Bending down, my hands wandered till I found Blair's aching head. I knew this was a bad idea, just took too many accidents to get through my thick skull.
"All right. One of you tell me what the hell is going on." This was not the best tone to hear from Simon.
"Uh..." Blair started as he helped me up. I automatically put on my glasses again, not wanting to make anyone else see my obviously heart-breaking eyes. He got me to the edge of Simon's desk and sat me down like a child. I just let my head drop, unseeing eyes peering at the floor. The gig was up and we both knew it.
Blowing out a long breath, I said the words I hated. "I'm blind Simon."
Obviously that stopped him because he almost choked on the sip of coffee he had just taken. After his coughing fit had ceased, he let loose. "You're what?!"
I turned my head towards the outburst. "I'm blind, can't see. Well, I can see, but only light. I guess you can't classify that as blind, but it's the same ting since all I see is light and all they see is dark. At least, that's what the doctor said and who's to argue with the doctor? Though he wanted to keep me for tests, but that wasn't going to work for me anyway." Yes, I was babbling again, but this time it was either babbling or sitting there like an idiot and there wasn't a choice there.
Simon started pacing again. I'm sure that he wanted to just choke me for laying all this at his door, but I hoped he could see my reasoning. After long minutes of tense silence, he paused.
"Look, Jim, I want you in the hospital. The whole case will just get reassigned." "Sir, I had to work pretty hard to get them to accept me as Cyrus' contact. Now, we bait and switch now, game is over, man." Talk about the case, that's good.
"We'll take our chances. If they make us, we'll bust them."
"Charge them with what? Simon, just let me handle this, okay?" Like I've handled this, yeah. I'm a fool for thinking I could pull this off and a bigger fool for dragging Sandburg into it. "It's too dangerous," the concern evident in Simon's voice.
"Hang on. Simon, we did fool you. For a little while. And with Jim's sensory powers and a little practice and some help from me, I, uh, I think we can do it."
"Do what? Pretend that Jim can see?!" I knew it would come out sooner or later. I laid all this at his feet with no regard to what he would do. Not only have I just told him that I can't see, but I'm so pig-headed that I won't give up the case.
"My sight will return eventually, sir." I hope, I pray.
"Jim, what if it doesn't?" Leave it to Simon to drag up that fear. I can't worry about that right now, that's for later. Right now I have to worry about getting that stupid drug off the street.
"Look, there is one thing I can see over and over again. It's the face of that girl going down the edge of that dam." I stand up to give myself emphasis. I just hoped that I didn't look like some poor fool who was in denial. "Now they've done this to my eyes. I don't want to stop this case right now, sir! I'm sorry."
"Jim. It is over. One fumble and I lose you. It is not worth it!"
"Look, Simon-" I had to save this case, I couldn't let it go down the drain for my stupidity.
"You are off active duty until you get better. Is that clear?" He was using his 'Captain Take No Junk' tone of voice.
"Sir..." Pleading, that'll work.
"Hey, how 'bout, uh, we have a trial run out in the Bullpen?" Sandburg offered.
"Yeah," I agreed. Leave it to Blair to help me out even when his entire self was against it.
"He can't get hurt out there." That's what he thought, but I wasn't going to break the mood we had going by just busting out with the truth. I felt as isolated and frightened out there as I am in the middle of a firefight. Yes, I admit it, I do get scared sometimes and this was shaping up to be a good example.
"That's a great idea," I lied.
Simon knew he was on the losing end, so he sighed and agreed to our ploy. "No sunglasses." I took off my shades and handed them in the direction of his voice. "And no help from you." I knew he was talking to Sandburg.
"All right," I tried to ready myself.
"Go ahead," Simon verbally shuffled me out.
I started walking towards what I thought was the door, but I was about six inches off. I just moved over and continued on. This wasn't making a good impression, not at all. I was barraged once again by the familiar, but alien sounds of the Bullpen. I smelled after-shave, H's after-shave actually. Only he would buy that rancid brand that supposedly 'drove the women crazy.' I heard corduroy and figured that he was wearing the slacks he had gotten for his birthday.
"Hey, Brown, you keep hitting that cocoa, you're gonna stretch the waistband of those fine corduroy slacks you're wearing."
"It's the sugarless kind. Okay?" H was always self-conscious about his figure.....ok, lack thereof.
"It's your figure," I said as I moved on. I heard the snack girl coming and I could prove that I wasn't completely helpless.
"Oh, boy, doesn't this smell good. I'd like the poppyseed, please. You can put it on the desk right behind you," I said as I pulled out my wallet. This shouldn't be so bad. "Keep the change.
"Gee, thanks." She was certainly pleased for some reason.
"I think that was a twenty," Sandburg spoke up from his corner.
"Can't I be generous?" I tried to make a clean break from the cart, but I managed to catch the edge. "Excuse me."
"He's gonna go broke," Simon added.
"Yeah," Blair laughed. His breath caught in his throat and I knew that this was bad.
"Blair?" a female voice called.
"Margaret." I could hear Blair making a hurried dash to intercept her. This was definitely a bad thing. I wanted to meet her, but not like this. Well, maybe I could hide it. I mean, I fooled most of the guys so far.
"Hey!" she was cheery.
"How you doing?" He was definitely trying to play her off, fast. I knew he didn't want to get in the middle of it, but she might be a good person if he'd just let me talk to her once.
"Good. So, I have an appointment in the neighborhood and I-- That's a lie. I, um... I came here to meet Jim." Aha! So she wanted to see me as much as I wanted to see her. Time to go meet this lovely lady, at least I hope she's lovely.
"And I guess that's you." There was another unnatural pause.
"Uh, Jim, have you washed your hands since you came back from the morgue?" Blair tried to cover.
"Of course I have." Handshakes, yet another thing that I can't do automatically anymore. "Nice to see you."
"You know it's funny, you're... you're so like I pictured."
"You know when I imagined your voice, well I pictured you to look just like you do." What the heck did I just say? Maybe the Golden has affected my brain after all.
"Well, good, I'm glad I did this," she seemed relieved. "I am too." I was, even if I didn't act like it. It was nice to have a conversation with someone to take my mind off this....problem.
"So you wanna give me a call and we'll make some plans?" She was persistent, I'll give her that.
"Yeah, I'd like that. I'd like that. Let's do it soon." Please, let her be worth it. Let her stick around if this problem isn't solved. She sounds so nice and that's all I need right now, a promise of tomorrow.
"Okay. And thanks for trying to keep us apart. It worked beautifully. Bye." I heard her make her exit. Maybe Blair was right, maybe we shouldn't even try to do this. I don't know, I don't know anything. Nothing's sure anymore, much less promised.
I smelled Simon's cigar odor, which meant he was heading right towards us.
"Bye, bye....Well, so far, so good." That's what he thought. This wasn't easy and it wasn't good, but it had to be done.
"Yeah, right. All right. I want you to set up the next meet. We'll just take this one step at a time." I can't believe he was actually agreeing, but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. If he wanted to give me a chance, I was going to take it.
"Okay."
"Wear the glasses," he said as he handed me my shades.
"Okay." My pitiful eyes have done it again. What am I going to do if this is permanent? I can't be a cop, I can't be vital, all I'll be is a burden. A burden to Sandburg most likely. He would follow me into the line of fire, but this was one path I didn't want to take him on. He only wanted to make everything right, but only I could do that now. I had to make everything right for the girl whose face I saw every time I laid down. Then, and only then, could I think about 'what if.' A blind Sentinel, that's one for the books.