Work Text:
There are some days that Jeonghan wakes up and just finds it really hard to care. Today is one of those days.
When he is taken over by the occasional wave of apathy, it is hard to care about anything because he’ll always be a disappointment. Work, school, doing chores, his favourite dramas, calling his family, and even taking care of the other members just feels like an impossible task that Jeonghan just doesn’t have the energy to deal with.
Lying in bed, Jeonghan stares at the top of the bunk above him, where Seungkwan had been sleeping the previous night. There’s a stain on the bottom of the mattress from when Seokmin had spilt ramen broth and the team had just decided to flip it after even the most effective of Mingyu’s housewife tricks failed to lift the muddy red from the cloth. Faintly, Jeonghan can hear Myungho and Seungkwan squabble over the last of the toothpaste in the current tube, their usual age order washroom schedule thrown into in favour of first come first serve on their free day.
Jeonghan supposes it’s at least a saving grace that it is a free day, not needing to worry about how to bother with false smiles and singing. Not needing to worry about disappointing anyone. The long haired boy turns to his side and buries his face into his comforter.
“Jeonghan?” a voice calls from beside his bed. Jeonghan doesn’t bother to look at them, knowing perfectly well that Jisoo barely expected him to do so anyways. “Did you want to grab breakfast with Seungcheol and me?” The cat eyed boy asks, putting a hand on Jeonghan’s exposed shoulder.
Jeonghan makes a noncommittal noise and Jisoo squeezes knowingly. “We’ll bring you back some jjajangmyun, okay?”
There’s some shuffling for a couple of minutes before Jeonghan distantly hears Seungcheol yell, “Jun is in charge until Jeonghan wakes from the dead!” before the door closes.
Jeonghan stares at the floorboards now. Light streams in from the windows, leaving slanted rectangles of light on the wood. It’s a few more moments before his eyes get tired, but Jeonghan feels too restless to go back to sleep. The young man actually isn’t sure how much time he had spent staring at the ground, but is sure it wasn’t more than an hour or two seeing as Jisoo had yet to return to wake him.
The dorm is quiet when Jeonghan gets up and pulls on a hoodie and emerges from the washroom, having achieved the bare minimum of socially acceptable hygiene, of brushing his teeth and washing his face.
When Jeonghan passes the kitchen, having decided to forgo food because his stomach isn’t making any complaint despite it having been at least twelve hours since he last ate, he sees the dirty dishes left by the younger members, but can’t find it in him to gather the energy to do said dishes or even track the culprits down to chastise them.
“Aren’t you going to eat, hyung?” Soonyoung calls, mouth partly stuffed with rice. Jeonghan hears Chan groan in disgust at Soonyoung, but decides to ignore them both, grabbing a mask from the stock pile by the door and walking out.
The traffic in front of their dorm is unusually heavy for the middle of the day and Jeonghan somewhat wants to step off the curb and see what happens, but knows that that would probably just cause a mess (in more ways than one) and decides otherwise. Instead, he shoves his fisted hands in the pockets of his hoodie and walks aimlessly.
Twenty minutes later, Jeonghan finds himself situated in front of the Pledis company building and bites his lip as he decides whether or not he should really go in. A handful of stylist noonas have already reprimanded him for his nervous habit, telling him not to do it outside of fanservice or else dealing with his dry lips will be troublesome. He decides to enter when he notices a pair of girls walk by and whisper excitedly at each other, trying to figure out if he’s a celebrity or a fan. The CEO would be angry if he was caught causing a scene in front of the building or otherwise.
Passing the main foyer, Jeonghan walks the familiar route of the side stairwell up to the studios, up to the second last door to the right and again freezes. Hand hovering in front of the door to knock, Jeonghan bites his lip again. He really needs to stop biting his lip, less he trouble the noonas even more.
Jeonghan lowers his hand after abusing his lip for a few more seconds. He shouldn’t bother him. Jeonghan knows he’s likely working hard and doesn’t need a distraction.
Jeonghan wrings his hands. Jeonghan doesn’t need to bother him.
The long haired man turns on his heel and starts to open the door back to the stairwell. He should just go back home and back to bed. He didn’t bring his phone. What if the other members get worried? Jeonghan is one of the hyungs. He needs to stop bothering his members. He needs to stop being a disappointment. He needs to just stop--
“Jeonghan-hyung?”
Turning his neck, Jeonghan spots a tired looking Jihoon emerging from the second last door to the right.
“What are you doing here, hyung?” Jihoon asks, walking towards Jeonghan.
Letting the door close again, Jeonghan finds himself for a loss at words. “I just…nothing.” He finally manages to utter.
Jihoon squints at him slightly before grabbing Jeonghan’s arm to wrench the older forward enough that he could then push Jeonghan towards his studio. “Great. I need you. Wait for me in there then.”
“Why?” Jeonghan asks uselessly. Jihoon has already descended the stairs.
Why would Jihoon say he needs him? There are more helpful people around. Hansol and Seungcheol could help so much more with lyrics, Bumzu-hyung could help with production, Jisoo could help with composition, Seungkwan could help with…
“Good, you are still here.” Jihoon says, pushing Jeonghan away from his thoughts, two cups in hand and a bag of biscuits clasped between his fingers. Offering a cup, Jihoon says, “Well, sit down hyung. Keep me company. I’m feeling lonely.”
“…I…”
“Unless you don’t want to spend time with me here?” Jihoon questions. “It’s fine if you don’t want to. But if you don’t mind, I’d really like your company.”
He wants Jeonghan’s company.
“Are you sure you want me?” Jeonghan whispers, words barely audible over the hum of computers. Jihoon nods. “I won’t be a bother?”
Jihoon smiles softly. “I’m more scared that you’ll be bored as I work, but I like your company, hyung. You make me feel calm.”
“Okay.” Jeonghan finds himself saying.
When Jihoon finishes his drink, he returns to work, headphones only covering one ear, just in case Jeonghan says something. Listening to the white noise of computers humming in the background and occasional clicking coming from the mouse, Jeonghan takes in the residual warmth of the coffee that Jihoon made for him.
Jeonghan still feels tired and mostly indifferent, but not like a complete disappointment. Curled up on the couch, watching Jihoon’s back, Jeonghan feels like he can breathe just a little bit more clearly.