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Neji sighs and runs a hand down his face. He’s been sitting at his computer so long that the numbers in front of him are starting to blur on the screen, washing his face in a sea of blinding white. Nine hours is a ridiculous amount of time to spend punching in numbers, but the quarterly report is due next week, and Neji really would rather get it done sooner than later.
A hand falls upon his shoulder, and Neji startles, whipping his head around so fast that he knows his neck will pay for it later.
“Neji, babe, you worry too much,” says his best friend, Tenten, whose mouth is already curled into a smile. “It’s just me!”
“Bitch,” he mutters under his breath, but he’s hiding a smile regardless. “You scared me.”
“Good. You need a good scare every now and then. Plus, someone had to drag you out from behind this computer soon, anyways. Gai’s worried about you. Says you’re gonna derail your chakra and lose your shine, whatever the fuck that means.” Tenten rolls her eyes, affection evident not only in her tone, but in her body language. They’ve both been working under Gai for years, and he’s become more of a friend to them than a boss.
Neji rolls his eyes and turns back to his computer. “I need to finish at least this portion,” he says, and the second those words leave his mouth, he’s met with a glare from Tenten.
“That’s what you said yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, and--”
“I get it, Tenten. Thank you.” His delivery’s a little frosty, but his fiery best friend isn’t deterred in the slightest, as usual.
“The office is going out to the bar tonight; did you wanna come? We can get wine drunk together and rate all the strangers there like we normally do.” Tenten pleads, and Neji doesn’t have to turn around to know that she’s brought out her puppy dog eyes.
Though he’d really like to get this done, the idea of indulging in his favorite pastime is....tempting, to say the least.
“Maybe. I’m almost done with this part.”
Tenten sighs. “Neji, darling, honeybear, I didn’t want to have to do this. Don’t make me do it.” Her tone betrays nothing of what she’s thinking, and Neji feels cold dread settle deep in his stomach.
“Do….what, exactly?” He asks, apprehensive. And then, sourly: “Don’t call me that.”
“You drove me to this, Neji. It’s your fault.”
“What’s my fault?”
“Lee will be there,” Tenten says, and Neji feels a little faint just hearing his name.
Lee . God. One of the weirdest men Neji’s ever met. Normally, he’d go for the assholes, the men who have communication issues and probably still live in their parents’ basement. But something about Lee, and his kind smile, and his stupid bowl cut, and his big arms and even bigger heart rubs Neji in all the right ways.
“You dirty bitch,” Neji says, but there’s no edge to it. “I can’t believe you pulled that card. You know how I feel about him."
Tenten shrugs, faux uncaring. “Well. Office nights at the bar are no fun if you’re not there.”
As touched as Neji is at her statement, he’s still a little peeved at that low blow she had just gut-punched him with. “Oh, really? I heard you and Hinata had a lot of fun at the last one.”
At the mention of his cousin’s name, Tenten colors immediately, her cheeks turning a rosy pink. Neji suppresses the urge to smirk; it's rare to catch Tenten off-guard like that.
She averts her gaze. “How the fuck did you find out about that?”
“She’s my cousin, in case you forgot.”
“I swore everyone to secrecy!”
“You forget that Naruto has the biggest mouth in Konoha.”
“Damnit!” Tenten swears, her face still bright red. “Damnit, damnit, damnit.”
“If it’s any consolation, you two have my blessing, and I think you’re very cute.”
“You’re an ass, you know that?” Tenten mutters, elbowing him in the side.
Neji suppresses a smirk and presses save, then exits out of the program. As he stands up, he pushes out his chair.
Tenten claps her hand together, a smile spreading across her face. “Are you ready?”
“As I'll ever be,” Neji mutters, ducking to the side as Tenten jabs another elbow in his direction. With a sigh, he follows her down the hallway, resigning himself to another night of bad wine and hopeless pining.
The drive to their office’s usual bar isn't long, and Neji’s found that Tenten’s company always makes time fly by, especially in the car. The thing is, she's an awful driver and she knows it. Her turns are always messy, and her stops a safety hazard for all involved. She blames it on the fact that she's gay; Neji blames it on the fact that she sings along to ABBA every time she drives.
Regardless, Neji ends up white-knuckling it whenever Tenten’s behind the wheel. And it looks like tonight is no exception.
When Tenten finally speeds into the parking lot and comes to a hurtling stop, Neji breathes a sigh of relief. Tenten looks over at him and smiles, and Neji merely raises an eyebrow in response, making her giggle.
“Neji, come on. Let's go!”
“I can't do it, Tenten. I can't see him. Not unless I've had at least three glasses of wine in me and I don't care anymore.” Neji moans, and he knows he's being melodramatic about it, but he's gay, so he's allowed to be every once in a while. God knows Tenten whines enough for the both of them.
“It's time to saddle up, sugar pie!” Tenten says with a smile, smug in only the way lesbian best friends can be. “You never know, he might even feel the same way!”
“He confessed his love for Sakura again last week.”
“And we all know Ino and Sakura are fucking, so he'll have to get over it sooner or later.” Tenten waggles her eyebrows. “It could even be part of your plan. You wait until he's desperate, brokenhearted, and then you swoop in and become his shoulder to cry on. It's foolproof!”
It's a feeble plan at best, operating solely on faulty logic. Neji’s terrible at comforting people, and Tenten, as his best friend, is most certainly well aware of this. There's more drawbacks than benefits.
“It's no use,” Neji whines, “I'm just fated not to be with him.”
“Not this bullshit again!” Tenten yells, whacking him on the shoulder. Neji winces. “I thought you were over all that self sacrificing shit! Neji, you have to realize that some things in life you have to go after. Not everything is already set in stone; you can change outcomes based on your actions! Now, if you really want Lee, then get that sorry ass of yours inside and show him you care!”
Neji steps back, stung. All of what Tenten said is true, yes, but it still hurts a little to be reminded of his past self. He's leaps and bounds from who he used to be, but sometimes the negativity and pessimism weighs him down like a chain.
He closes his eyes and takes a moment to center himself.
“Let's do this,” he hears himself say, and he doesn't have to open his eyes to know that a broad grin has spread across Tenten’s face. She snatches his wrist and drags him inside, and Neji just sighs.
This will be interesting, he thinks. Then: famous last words.
The first thing he spots when he walks in is Kiba, who’s managed to drag the entire office over to a corner booth and is currently downing a beer while Naruto practically screeches “chug! Chug! Chug!” Neji decides he’s not strong enough, and immediately turns the fuck around and steals a stool at the bar.
“One glass of Moscato, please. Whatever's on hand,” Neji says with a sigh, and within seconds a glass is placed delicately in front of him. “Thank you.” He mutters, then promptly takes a long, drawn-out sip of the wine.
He finishes it quickly, and the bartender knows by now to refill it as soon as it's set down. Once Neji has three glasses of wine in him, he'll be fine. Three’s his lucky number; he's sober enough not to do anything dumb, but tipsy enough not to care about Lee or Sasuke or Naruto or anyone, really.
His third glass of wine follows soon after, and he uses the counter to push himself up off the stool. Turning around, he scans the area for his bitch of a best friend, and heads towards her when he spots her. She's seated at a table with Sakura, Hinata, and Ino--Neji can only imagine the kind of shit they're talking. He decides immediately he needs to join; he has enough criticism of everyone in the office stored up to last hours.
He pulls a chair up and murmurs a quick “hello,” and after everyone goes through their routine niceties the conversation drifts back to its earlier topic.
“I heard Sasuke and Naruto fucked in the supply closet last week and that’s why we had to order new printer paper. Sasuke came all over it, and it was ruined beyond repair,” Ino says, taking a sip of her margarita. Already the drunken flush is high on her cheeks, but her words haven't started to slur yet. Neji privately gives her 20 minutes before she can't get a single word out; today, Ino’s drinking to die.
Next to her, Sakura sits with a fond smile. “Took those too long enough,” she says, and everyone at the table voices their agreement. Sasuke and Naruto danced around each other for four years, a back and forth that left even Neji a little worse for wear.
“It was only a while before the tension snapped,” Neji adds, and then: “For a while, I wasn't sure if they were going to fuck each other or kill each other.”
Tenten lets out a loud laugh at this, loud enough that Naruto stands up, looks over at their table and yells, “I'm right here, ya know!”
Sasuke’s quiet “Naruto” softens the latter up, and Naruto settles back into Sasuke’s lap without complaint. Neji risks a glance at Lee. The (unfortunate) object of his affections is currently sat at a table with Kiba, Shino, and Gaara. What they're conversing about, Neji has no idea, but Lee is obviously very passionate about the subject, his hands flying everywhere as he talks.
“Speaking of tension,” Tenten says, and Neji drags his gaze away from Lee to glare at her. “When are you and Lee going to get together, Neji?”
“Never,” Neji says curtly, “he's straight, and, besides, we wouldn't work.”
“Mmhm,” Ino cuts in, tapping her lip curiously. Neji feels dread ball up in the pit of his stomach. “I don't know about that. You guys complete each other pretty well, if you ask me.”
“And Neji?” Sakura says with a laugh. “He's not straight. He told me he likes men. And he knows now that I'm off the table.”
“Damn right you are,” Ino exclaims, drawing Sakura into a long, drawn-out kiss. From across the room, Kiba whistles, and Ino sticks her middle finger up in response.
Neji frowns. “Are you….sure he's not straight? He certainly doesn't act like any gay guy I know.”
“Well, he's no you or Sasuke, that’s for sure,” Tenten says, and at this, Neji grits his teeth. Yes, he and Sasuke are both gay. Yes, they're both more stereotypically gay than most gay men Neji knows. And yes, they did date for a short while, and yes, it ended very badly. Tenten knows this, so for her to bring up Sasuke in reference to Neji is absolutely batshit insane. He's over it, for the most part, but a tiny part of him is still very, very bitter about Sasuke. Neji just hopes Sasuke treats Naruto better.
Tenten finishes with: “But yeah, he likes men.”
Neji freezes, sits there for minutes, days, weeks, years, overwhelmed by what has to be shock. They're playing a prank on him. That has to be it. Rock Lee is the straightest man Lee’s ever laid eyes on. He wears leg warmers underneath his suit pants. Everyday his tie is a hideous shade of bright green. He is the biggest fashion disaster to ever grace the entire goddamn Earth. He greets everyone with a “hello” and a bright smile and some kind of quote involving youth and he has never once fucking showed interest in a man .
His life is a big, stupid, dumb joke, and Neji can't wait for the day when he finally dies and rids himself of all this trouble.
Neji cannot date Rock Lee. It's not something that will ever happen, ever. Even though Neji wants it more than he's wanted anything in his life.
“I need more wine,” he says with a groan, sliding a hand down his face.
With a wink and a cheeky smile, Tenten’s up and back within 30 seconds, holding out another glass of Moscato for Neji.
Neji thanks her, takes one look at the glass, and downs it all.
Damn it all, he thinks to himself. What have I gotten myself into?
Five drinks later, three of which were wine and two of which were tequila, Ino leans in. “Neji, I have a plan for you to get your man.”
“He's not my man,” he grumbles, and then: “I'm listening.”
“Jesus Christ, you are hammered. Anyways, Neji, you have to show him you're boyfriend material. You need to dote on him more, make conversation with him, show him you care. Get him gifts. Make him coffee. Invite him to your house for dinner. And then, finally, you ask him on a date! It's foolproof!” Ino says cheerily, her smile blinding, and Neji’s mind flashes back to when Tenten had said the same thing earlier in the car.
“At the risk of sounding like Shikamaru, that plan sounds too troublesome.” Neji admits. Wine brings out his mopey side, but tequila makes him blunt; for him, tequila is better than any truth-seeking drug.
Tenten snorts. “Better than anything you've come up with.”
“Bitch,” Neji shoots back, and then he says: “I have a better idea.”
It's been a while since Neji got quite this drunk, and he knows it never spells good news for him. But the alcohol clouds his brain and makes it hard to think, so he follows his gut instinct.
Neji stands up and smacks his hands against the hardwood of the table. “Attention, everyone. I have an announcement,” he calls, and the bar falls silent almost immediately.
“Rock Lee!” Neji yells, slurring only a little bit. “I have feelings for you!”
The bar’s silence lasts exactly three seconds before Lee stands up as well, shouting, “I have feelings for you, too, Neji!”
Oh, Neji thinks, that’s nice.
And then everything goes black.
-
Later, they'll tell him he just keeled over. Lee had sprinted to his side and immediately propped Neji up against himself. Lee had felt his forehead, said something to Sakura about how it felt warm, and had then princess carried Neji all the way to his car. He had then driven Neji back to his house, laid Neji down on his bed, and waited patiently by Neji’s bedside. It wasn't until Ino, Sakura, Tenten, Hinata, and Kiba had arrived that Lee went and took a nap on his couch, and even that took an hour of convincing and threats from both Ino and Sakura.
“Quite a gutsy move you pulled there, honeybee,” Tenten says, and she hands him a glass of water and some Advil. “Your hangover’s probably killer. Take something before it gets worse.”
“Tenten, what the hell did I even do?” Neji asks, his head throbbing. He can barely keep his eyes open. He'll never be drinking like that again, thank you very much.
“You don't remember?” She asks, eyes wide, and Neji’s shake of the head, continues: “You stood up, silenced the bar, confessed to Lee, he confessed back, and then you passed out. He took care of you for hours.”
“Jesus Christ,” Neji mutters, and then a little louder, “Mother of fucking God.”
“Hey, he returns your feelings! I was right!”
“You don't get to say a word until you confess to Hinata that you like her and want to be with her. Get off your high fucking horse.” Neji grumbles, clicking Tenten on the side of the neck. She yelps, clutching the welt beginning to form.
“For your information, we talked things through last night. I have a girlfriend now, thank you very much. Get off your high horse and go talk to Lee.” Tenten snaps back, her face pinched and serious.
“I can't face him like this.”
“You can and will. I'm going to wake him up,” Tenten decides, and pushes herself up from her chair.
“You're a bitch and I want you dead,” Neji calls as she walks out. She just salutes back, and Neji clutches his head, hoping to relieve some of the headache that hit him like a brick earlier.
A few minutes pass, and Neji lays in bed, his head in complete agony. He thinks that if he moves his eyes a little too far to the left or right, he’ll empty his stomach all over both the bed and himself.
Then, suddenly: “Neji! Are you alright?”
At Lee’s voice, Neji starts. He’s still reeling from last night, and he feels a little like he’s been hit with some kind of whiplash. He’s not sure if it’s emotional or physical, but it certainly seems like he’s suffering from both.
“Yes, Lee. Thank you. I think I’m doing okay.” Neji responds, pointedly avoiding eye contact with the man in the doorway.
Lee moves closer, and Neji swears inwardly. He looks up, and Lee is there, wearing that very same god-awful leg warmer and leotard combo. Not for the first time, Neji wonders why exactly he had to fall for Lee of all men, but Lee is exceptionally kind, and strong, and wow, have his arms always been that big?
“You gave me quite a fright last night!” Lee says, and Neji sighs.
“So I’ve heard,” Neji responds, albeit a little dryly. “My apologies. I didn’t mean to make you worry.”
“It was no trouble at all! I quite enjoyed taking care of you, Neji.” The smile Lee gives Neji is one to rival Naruto’s; his entire face lights up, and his cheeks stretch to accomodate his mouth. The thumbs-up accompanying it is only the cherry on top.
Neji feels his cheeks flush. “Lee, you can’t just say things like that.”
“Should I not have? I was under the impression we were courting.”
Neji’s eyes bulge a little bit out of his head. Courting? What century is Lee from? Neji himself is old-fashioned, and comes from a family that’s a little backwards, but he hasn’t heard the word courting in ages. It’s so eccentric and out of left field and so incredibly Lee that Neji can’t help but feel endeared.
“Lee,” Neji says, and then: “Come here.”
“Yes, Neji?”
“You are so goddamn stupid,” Neji admits with a laugh, and then he makes his second extremely impulsive and probably incredibly stupid decision in 24 hours. He yanks on Lee’s collar, pulls him closer, and presses their lips together.
Almost immediately, Neji can feel Lee smile through the kiss, which makes Neji smile. All in all, it’s a pretty shitty first kiss, with too much teeth and tongue, but Neji’s glowing just a little bit, so he decides to let it slide.
After all, they have a while to work on their technique.
And if Neji’s feeling optimistic, he’d even say they have their whole lives.