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Being an idol is hard, but being in love is more complicated. Maybe it's because Jongdae can never say it out loud, that he's so foolishly enamored when he thinks about his boyfriend. Or maybe it's because it's getting harder to pretend that he could only love his fans, despite feeling nothing but platonic love.
Either way, he can’t choose one or the other. Being an idol is his life, and being with Yixing feels like home. That is why he learns to endure it one day at a time, and hopes that he can have both of those worlds without hiding the truth.
He has never thought that it’d be easy. On a regular day, they’re a country’s apart, communicating through texts and video calls. On hectic days, there aren’t any conversation, just the occasional Good Morning . Sometimes, Jongdae wonders how they survived, and how they’ve already celebrated two years of commitment. Nevertheless, he’s grateful for not losing Yixing despite all the obstacles they’ve faced.
Their relationship began about two years ago, when BCD had to promote in China for their second full album. They were invited to a tv show where artists can showcase their skills, and play ridiculous games together. That was where they first met, and it was the first time that Jongdae lost his speaking ability.
It didn’t take long for his members to figure out why, and it only took a minute for Baekhyun to immediately take control of the situation. The elder claimed that he wanted to be the middleman, a mediator as he’d label himself. He thought it was his duty to “subtly” push Jongdae into Yixing, as if they were shy high school students. Kyungsoo thought that the elder was an idiot, but he didn’t try to stop him. At that point, Jongdae was on the verge of quitting the group due to embarassment, and possibly living the rest of his life in solitude. Luckily, it never got to that point.
Despite the horrible first impression, Yixing thought they were a funny group, and somehow phone numbers were traded. There was promises of hanging out one day, but Jongdae knew that their schedules wouldn’t easily match up. Therefore, he buried the disappointment, and tried to forget about the deep dimple or the coy smiles. Once he was ready to let it go, Yixing showed up unexpectedly, and the butterflies came back stronger than before. This time, he wanted to embrace the feelings, and maybe that’s why he kissed Yixing first.
If Jongdae was truly honest, he would admit that Baekhyun was the catalyst that brought them together. If Jongdae was a great friend, he'd treat Baekhyun to a fancy dinner, and gifted the elder with Supremes clothes. Except he figured that a gloating Baekhyun is worse than a hyper Baekhyun, so he pretended that it was all his and Yixing's efforts.
Nevertheless, Jongdae counts his blessings as he thinks about his unlucky love life in the past. After all the heartbreaks and the betrayals, he truly feels that Yixing is his once in a lifetime. He can only hope for an everlasting in the future.
***
Jongdae has vague memories of his trainee days, and an even worst memory of his childhood, but he always have good memories of BCD. They debuted together in 2010, three young boys against the cruel world of entertainment. Neither of them expected great success, maybe just a few wins in music shows. Yet, their popularity bloomed from a hit single, and the fangirls are always wild when they struggle to get through the crowd these days.
Much like Kyungsoo, Jongdae doesn't necessarily care about the popularity that comes with being an idol. Meanwhile, Baekhyun thrives on the whole idea of fanservice. He's no longer afraid of Kyungsoo's strong punches as he grabs the younger for random hugs. Jongdae finds it hilarious until Kyungsoo decides to target him too.
Despite their personalities, they manage to work as a team, and Jongdae can't imagine being in a group without either of them.
BCD’s schedules are always filled with random activities, and they rarely have the same activity as the day before. Today, they're currently shooting for a high end fashion brand, and the day was going according to plan. After two hours, they let the group to take a 30 minutes break, which gives Jongdae the chance to check his phone for the latest news in kpop. Usually he'd see something about a group’s upcoming comeback, or a ridiculous fact about an artist, but today, something else catches his eye.
Despite knowing the truth, Jongdae’s heart skips a beat as he reads the headline.
Byun Baekhyun Is Rumored To be Dating Zhang Yixing
His heart thumps loudly as he clicks the link, and reads the article with a nervous twitch. He knows that these evidences were made by crazy fans, and he shouldn’t feel annoyed that they’re linking Baekhyun instead of himself. Yet, he feels the anger builds up, and his happy mood immediately vanishes as he goes into weibo to see what Yixing fans would say.
Going there didn’t make his mood better as he reads countless of happy messages, and he’s tempted to become an anti, just to write a spiteful hate comment. He’s frowning by the time he locks his phone, and he crosses his arms in frustration.
His mood doesn’t improve as the day goes on, only giving fake smiles and moody answers to his staff. It gets worse when Baekhyun tries to talk to him, and the elder ends up giving up after countless of tries. Their manager, Kris, seems as lost as the rest, since Jongdae is usually known as the cheerful person. The only one that manages to coax him is Kyungsoo, and that’s when they’re back home.
The younger knocks on the door before letting himself in quietly. Jongdae doesn’t greet him as he faces the wall, feeling consumed by sadness. There’s enough sorrow in his heart that can make him cry within seconds, and he doesn’t care how childish it would look to be caught crying over a fake rumor. It still hurt to see that those fans seem to like Baekhyun over him.
“I doubt that’s true,” Kyungsoo tells him, interrupting his gloomy thoughts. “If they knew it was you, they’d be happy for you both too.”
Jongdae berates himself for thinking out loud, and allowing Kyungsoo to hear his sad thoughts.
“Do you honestly believe they prefer Baekhyun over you?”
Jongdae shrugs, not knowing on how to answer that. He knows that logically there would be happy people if they knew the truth, yet his heart feels heavy knowing that these fans are happy for Baekhyun, not for him.
“You shouldn’t believe so,” the younger ends up answering his own question. “Yixing is the only that can say who’s better, and he clearly made that choice when he first met you.”
The elder’s heart thumps, and his stomach swirls as he remembers their first meeting. He still remembers Yixing’s shy smile, and the fact that Yixing approached him first instead of Baekhyun.
“It’s silly anyway,” Kyungsoo concludes. “It’s their loss for not seeing how great you are with him.”
The sweet words are heartwarming, and Jongdae knows he should thank Kyungsoo for being a great friend. Unfortunately, his throat seems to constrict as sadness and happiness mix inside his heart, and he can’t seem to swallow the lump away yet.
“I’ll tell them you weren’t feeling well,” Kyungsoo tells him softly in the end. “But talk to Baekhyun tomorrow. He seemed sad that you were annoyed at him.”
Kyungsoo softly pats Jongdae’s back before walking out of the room. It’s only then that Jongdae is able to release a shuddering breath. He feels slightly better, and he can finally feel some guilt from being mean towards his friends and staffs. He’ll have to apologize tomorrow, but for now, he’ll sleep it off.
***
The next day, Jongdae brings enough coffee to brighten his staff’s mood, and he sincerely apologizes if he seemed disrespectful towards them. It’s easy enough to get them to love him again. The hard part comes next, saying sorry to Baekhyun.
They have always been the kind of friends who’d argue, but rarely fight, which is why it feels weird for Jongdae to utter the words. Yet, he knows he can’t keep avoiding it, since Baekhyun looks pitifully quiet, and Kyungsoo keeps glaring at him to fix it. Therefore, he takes a deep breath and walks to Baekhyun while crossing his fingers.
“Um,” Jongdae starts to say, expecting Baekhyun to look up, but the elder seems keen to ignore him. “About yesterday, I didn’t mean to…”
Baekhyun looks up in confusion, and Jongdae almost wanted to bail on his plan. Instead, he takes another breath before blurting out the words.
“Look, I’m sorry. I was having a bad day and I took it out on you,” he rambles before biting his lower lip in anxiousness. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“Really?” the elder asks in a hopeful tone, looking at Jongdae through his eyelashes. “I didn’t make you mad?”
“No,” Jongdae shakes his head. “You didn’t.”
He watches in amusement as Baekhyun’s mood quickly changes to happiness, and the relief he feels from hugging Baekhyun.
It doesn’t take long before they’re joking with each other again, and conspiring to prank Kyungsoo. Even Kris is relieved that the mood has gotten better, and the group is almost done filming the commercial.
The crew lets them take another break, and they take the opportunity to grab a lot of snacks from the table, before bringing it to a secluded corner. This peculiar habit started when they were trainees, trying to hide their binge eating from the manager’s eyes. These days, they do it for nostalgia.
Baekhyun moans in happiness as he take another bite of rice cake. Jongdae snorts in amusement before helping himself to some butter chips.
“Next week, we start recording for the new album…” Kyungsoo starts to say, but Baekhyun interrupts him with a loud Booo .
“Stop, please,” the elder begs. “No work talk.”
The younger huffs, but relents as he opens his own bag of snack.
“We should be talking about important things, like Jongdae’s birthday!” the elder says with a large grin on his lips.
“ My birthday?” Jongdae asks in surprised. “It’s still a few weeks to go.”
“Still!! We should plan it ahead, in case you planned something with you know who ,” the elder wiggles his eyebrows for the last few words.
“Stop referring him as if he’s Voldemort,” Kyungsoo deadpans, already feeling annoyed.
“But we have to be cautious!” Baekhyun practically shouts his argument before Jongdae nudges him for his volume.
“Anyway, we didn’t plan anything yet. Plus, he’s at the stage where he’s making music,” Jongdae tells them, trying to shrug it off despite feeling a little sad. “I won’t be able to reach him until he’s done.”
“Just tell him to come,” Baekhyun insists. “Tell him there will be alcohol, and we’re not responsible if some drunken guy decides to grab your ass.”
Jongdae rolls his eyes at that comment.
“I don’t know,” he says in the end. “I’ll think about it.”
“That’s the spirit!” Baekhyun tells him before directing an evil smirk towards Kyungsoo. “And maybe he can bring that cute, tall friend of his. What was his name again, Soo?”
The younger glares at Baekhyun, but refuses to play this teasing game.
“Hunnie? Bunny?” the elder wonders before telling Jongdae a scandalous fact with a smirk on his face. “He really does have a sexy looking ass. I wonder if he lets people play with it.”
“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo growls while scowling at them.
Jongdae laughs it off nervously before smacking the elder to shut up.
***
The next few days passes uneventfully, and BCD is soon to have a China fanmeet in two days. They each depart at different times, due to individual schedule, with Baekhyun going a day ahead, and Kyungsoo going on the day of the fanmeet. Jongdae ends up going the night before since he has a musical show during the day.
As he rides to the airport with his manager, he checks out Weibo, craving some news about Yixing. It’s been so long since he has seen the elder, and he can’t help but miss the elder, especially after seeing all those fake rumors. He was expecting to see random fanarts and speculations, but he was shocked to see pictures of Baekhyun and Yixing caught having dinner in Beijing.
Jongdae erases the negative thoughts in his mind, and takes a deep breath as he tries to not think about. He knows that there's a perfectly good explanation, and he hopes that Yixing won't lie to his face about it.
He spends the next few hours keeping himself distracted in the plane, and he barely paid attention to his surroundings until the manager drops him off into the hotel. As soon as he walks in, he spots Baekhyun in the lobby, trying to sneak out inconspicuously. Seeing him reminded him of the picture again, and his mood sours a little.
“Dae! Finally,” the elder greets Jongdae happily once he notices him. “Let's go out and get some snacks while Kris isn't here.”
He can't deny the request, since he's also hungry, so he nods and grudgingly walks behind the elder. He lets Baekhyun lead the way until they manage to arrive to a nearby convenience store.
Silence falls between them as they go to different aisles, checking out the snacks At one point, Jongdae is waiting for Baekhyun to pick between two different flavors of instant noodles. The elder is taking a rather long time to decide, so Jongdae can’t help but think about the pictures again, and he’s not able to suppress the questions popping inside his mind.
“So, did you go out before, for dinner?” He asks the elder, watching his expression
“Huh?” Baekhyun looks to him in confusion before his brain is able to comprehend the question. “Oh, yeah. Apparently, there’s this good restaurant zhajiang noodles, you know, the one Yixing kept telling us.”
“Yeah, I remember,” Jongdae says rather testily. “Is that why he went with you? Did you make him come, or did he want to go?”
“Who?”
“Yixing!” he says frustratingly.
“How did you know?” Baekhyun gapes at him, as if Jongdae found out something important.
“Because you still suck at hiding from fans, so they found you,” Jongdae explains hastily before moving on to his point again. “So why did you go with him? Or did you make him go?”
Baekhyun stares at him, possibly wondering why his friend is acting so irritable today, and then he realizes it. His friend is jealous, and Baekhyun found the fact to be a little hilarious.
“Well, he didn’t need convincing, if that’s what you mean,” the elder tells him in teasing tone. “Why does it matter anyway? We were having dinner as friends, not like he kissed me or anything.”
I know -- Jongdae thinks as he realizes how jealous he seems at the moment, but his mind doesn’t want to follow that rationality thinking just yet.
“That’s not the point,” he tries again, not wanting Baekhyun to win this argument. “Why did you have to meet in public? You know how those fans can get. You didn’t have to feed them more delusion.”
“What are you talking about?” the elder asks in confusion. “What delusion do they have?”
“You know which ones!” Jongdae almost shouts in frustration. “The ones about you and Yixing secretly dating, and how you have stupid matching couple rings.”
Baekhyun seems shocked at this revelation, as if he hasn’t heard about it from the past few days. He stares at the ring in his pinky, and wonders how his ring even matches with Yixing’s ring.
“I...seriously have no idea why they’d think that,” he starts to say despite feeling speechless. “But you don’t honestly believe it’s true, right? You know I wouldn’t…”
“I know ,” the younger interrupts him, feeling irritated that the elder isn’t seeing his point yet. “I just don’t like the fact that you guys just had to go out in public, giving them more hope for this stupid rumor. I know it’s ridiculous, but you’re not making things better.”
Baekhyun goes silent at this, and Jongdae looks away, not knowing if he’s still annoyed at the elder or not.
“Okay, you’re right,” he finally replies before asking what was on his mind. “Is this why you were so mad the other day?”
Jongdae wanted to deny the accusation, even though it is 100% true.
“I don’t know,” the younger ends up saying.
“Why does it bother you so much?” Baekhyun urges his friend to say more. “You never cared about the rumors before. Is it because Yixing is in the rumor, or is it because I’m connected to him?”
“No,” he denies immediately. “It’s not about you, or him. It’s just about the fans. Anyway, are you done yet? We should head back.”
“Almost,” the elder tells him quickly before going back to the topic. “Why the fans? Why does it matter?”
“I don’t know,” the younger whines before hesitating to say what’s on his mind. “I just don’t like the fact that they like you with him. I know it’s stupid, but they’re happy for you guys, and it sucks .”
“Oh.”
Jongdae grabs his cart box and starts to walk away, unable to handle the emotional turmoil that’s inside his mind. He’s silently chanting to himself to stop being an idiot who says ridiculous things. Only an insecure boyfriend would say these things, and he shouldn’t be one of those people. He’s an idol for god’s sake.
His thoughts are halted once he feels someone’s arms pulling him backward, and he doesn’t realize it immediately that he’s being hugged from behind. It’s only then that he nudges Baekhyun away, giving him an annoyed look as he looks back at him.
“What are you doing?” Jongdae whines, embarrassed that Baekhyun had to be clingy in public.
“You sounded so sad,” the elder pouts. “It’s not a stupid thought, okay? And screw them if they think you’re not right for him. You are , okay? I don’t want you to doubt that”
“Stop saying stupid things,” the younger whines, despite hearing his voice cracks.
“I’m not,” Baekhyun replies in a sorrow voice. “I mean it. You’re the best.”
Jongdae withholds the tears that was threatening to fall from his eyes, but he still has to wipe it away quickly before someone notice them crying. In his vulnerability, he lets Baekhyun hug him again, and it feels nice knowing he’ll always have a friend like the elder.
***
The next day goes back to normal as they meet with about 10,000 fans, and the fanmeet itself will lasts a few hours. Jongdae finds himself in a great mood as he greets the fans, and shakes hands with so many of them. A few of them like to ask if he’s doing well, or if he’s healthy. Some of them will ask silly questions about his food preferences, or favorite colors. Then, there are some fans who were a bit bizarre, telling him to eat some ice cream or to watch a particular show, so that he’d feel better. He’s not quite sure on what they mean, so he smiles and nods at their suggestions.
By the time they finish, the group heads back to the hotel to relax. Their flight isn’t until tomorrow morning, so they have a few hours to walk around if they want to.
“So where do you guys feel like going?”
“Great wall of China,” Kyungsoo suggests seriously.
“No!” Kris tells them from the front since he knows Kyungsoo well enough on what the younger would do Baekhyun there.
“I want to look for a new bar,” Baekhyun tells them. “The one in the hotel sucks .”
“Let’s drop him off then,” the younger tells the manager.
“No,” Kris tells him sternly. “We’re not separating. We’re going back to the hotel first, and we’ll decide there.”
“But that’ll take time,” Baekhyun whines.
Jongdae chuckles at the elder’s antics before taking out his phone. He’s been neglecting to reply to his messages, and calls. Some were from saesangs, so he ignores those, and focuses on the ones from his mom. Then finally, he notices the ones from Yixing.
Jongdae laughs at the heartfelt messages from his boyfriend, completely ignoring the loud argument that Baekhyun is having with Kris. He smiles as he rereads it, and he doesn’t realize how much he misses Yixing until he sees the I miss you . He types his reply to Yixing, and hopes the elder is able to read it soon.
“I’m staying in tonight,” Jongdae interrupts Kris’s long speech about safety and precaution.
“Yixing’s coming by?” Kyungsoo asks him.
“Yeah,” he grins at the younger, feeling his heart race at the thought of seeing his lover again.
***
There’s always anxiousness when he meets Yixing again. Mostly due to the fact that he’s worried about Yixing’s perception towards him. Even though they call and text each other frequently, there may be things that they don’t immediately notice. Like when he changes the style of his hair, or when he neglects his diet and puts on a bit of weight in the stomach. He knows he’s probably over thinking, but he hopes that Yixing won’t make a comment on it.
He’s currently pouring the wine into glasses, and he keeps checking his phone in case Yixing texted him again.
He closes the chat, and tries to distract himself with a new game on his phone. It doesn’t take long before he hears a knock on the door.
He runs to the door in a hurry, and checks the small peephole to make sure it is Yixing and not some hotel staff or saesang. His heart skips a beat as he notices the familiar face, and he quickly unlatches the chain, and unlocks the door before pulls the elder inside.
“Whoa,” the elder says in surprise.
Jongdae isn’t feeling very patient as he pushes Yixing against the door, and raises his feet to kiss the elder. A pleasant shiver goes down his back, and a warm hand holds on to his hips, pulling him closer. He lets himself be overwhelmed by the sensation, and places arm around the elder’s shoulder.
It doesn’t surprise him when Yixing decides to take control of the situation, allowing himself to be pushed against the wall. The elder is more relentless, sliding hands down to his thighs and lifting him up, causing Jongdae to hold on to him by wrapping his legs around Yixing’s waist. It’s only when Jongdae needed to take a breath that Yixing mouths down to his neck, grazing the skin near his pulse.
As he sucks a mark into his neck, the elder takes advantage of his free hands, sliding them inside Jongdae’s shirt, fingers brushing against ribs, and flicking against sensitive nipples. The younger squirms against the elder’s action, groaning as his dick brushes against the elder’s stomach.
“Ge, wait,” Jongdae says breathlessly, knowing that they’ll end up naked if he doesn’t halt this.
Yixing ignores him before mouthing lower to his collarbone, kissing it lightly, before moving to the other side of the neck. He’s keen on making another mark for that side. He trails kisses along the arch, before finding the right sensitive spot to lightly suck on.
The younger moans against the sensation, while grabbing onto Yixing’s shoulder and then clutching into his hair. It only takes a few minutes before Yixing finally stops. He kisses Jongdae one more time, softly and unhurriedly, before letting the younger go down.
By the time they let go of each other, they’re breathless, but Yixing doesn’t look guilty as he smiles widely to the younger.
“Hi,” he finally greets Jongdae, causing the younger to playfully smack him. The elder chuckles at the action.
“You didn’t have to attack my neck,” the younger complains, though he doesn't necessarily mean it.
“Okay,” the elder relents. “Can I suck your dick instead, then?”
Jongdae smacks him for being tactless, but he's still blushing at the words, and he can't help but imagine the elder on his knees, looking sinful.
“Stop it,” he whines. “I want to eat some cake, and catch up before I let you fuck me.”
The younger grabs Yixing's hand and pulls him to the table with the prepared wine and dessert.
“Really?” Yixing asks, almost in disappointment. “I thought you're the dessert.”
“Come on,” he pouts, pulling the elder closer, and makes him sit on the chair. “I haven't seen you in almost two months, and I don't even know if we'll spend our birthdays together.”
“I'm sure we will. It was our promise to each other,” the elder promises, while still holding onto Jongdae's hand.
“I'll be really sad if you're wrong,” the younger tells him.
“I'll beg for forgiveness on my knees if I'm wrong,” he says seriously before pulling Jongdae to sit on his lap. “Now, let me tell you my stories by whispering it to you. You can eat your cake while I tell you.”
The younger blushes at this idea before nodding. He takes a plate with chocolate cake before gesturing the elder to tell his story.
Once Yixing is done, Jongdae lets the elder slips his hands inside his shirt, rubbing his slightly chubby stomach and brushing against his sensitive nipples.
“Is it your turn now?” Yixing whispers into his ear. It shouldn't be that sexy, but the sensation from his chest is making it hard for him to concentrate.
“Yes,” the younger says with a groan. “Stop touching me for a minute.”
“Alright,” the elder teases before taking his hands away. “But first, turn around and face me. I have something important to ask.”
Jongdae struggles a bit to find his footing before sitting back down on Yixing's lap, looking at his lover's beautiful face.
“It better not be a sex question,” the younger warns.
“No,” the elder chuckles. “However, It's important and I don't want you to lie to me.”
Jongdae looks at him confused, wondering on what the elder means.
“Someone told me you've been feeling down lately,” the elder starts to say. “Because of rumors?”
“Fucking Baekhyun,” the younger immediately mutters angrily.
“No, it wasn't him,” the elder tells him in an amused tone. “Nevertheless, I still want to know if you're okay.”
“I am,” Jongdae tells him confidently. “I’m fine, really.”
“Dae,” Yixing says softly before cupping his cheek. “You know I want us to last for a long time. If this rumor bothers you, then tell me. I don't want their careless rumors to hurt you too.”
“It didn't hurt me, not in that sense,” Jongdae tries to clarify. “I was just worried if they'd be happy if the rumor was about us, not you and Baekhyun. I didn't want your fans to leave you.”
“But you're more important to me than them.”
“Ge…” the younger tries to argue.
“I mean it,” the elder insists. “I told you... I'm ready to tell everyone the truth once you're ready. I'm going to wait for as long as you'd let me.”
“I know,” the younger whispers. “I'm still scared. I really want to tell them one day.”
Yixing leans in to kiss him, this time more gentle than before.
“I love you,” the elder whispers. “Let's not worry about the future for now. Tell me about your weeks.”
Jongdae smiles at his words before saying his story. It warms his heart to have a supportive boyfriend.
***
Parting is always the hardest for them, and today isn't any different. Jongdae gets woken up at 6 by an enthusiastic boyfriend, and spends the rest of the morning trying to pack up, while swatting Yixing's hands away.
“I've officially confirmed that I'll fly out the night before your birthday,” the elder comments as he watches Jongdae fix his hair, yet again.
“Yeah?” the younger looks at him. “Should I come over to your place then?”
“You don't want to spend midnight with them?”
“I do….but I also want some dessert,” the younger smirks.
“We can do both,” the elder teases before stepping closer to Jongdae. “Can I hold you now? I promise I'll keep my hands to your clothes.”
Jongdae rolls his eyes as he steps into Yixing's arms. The warmth is making him sleepy again, so he closes his eyes and sighs.
“I miss you already,” the elder says. “Is that weird? I feel like I should move to Seoul and we should live together. Maybe get a pet rabbit.”
“I want a dog,” the younger mumbles.
“We can have both.”
Jongdae hums as he imagines what it'd be like for that future. Maybe in a few years, but hopefully soon.