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He remembered when he first started showing symptoms, and he remembered when he finally told his loved ones what was going on. He winced, as he remembered, but was brought to his thoughts when he was called into the doctor’s office. He’d insisted to go alone, not minding the kind woman that had taken her in. He did work with her nonetheless., and he knew the care that she put into each patient. When the woman entered, Unohana, he suddenly wished he wasn’t alone.
“Good morning, Ichigo.” She said with that smile and sighed.
“Come on, Unohana..” Her visage faltered. “You and I both know what’s going on…It came back positive?” Unohana was hard to read before she cleared her throat, making herself busy as she looked at his chart.
“It..did.” She said. Ichigo was quiet, he felt nothing. There was nothing left for him to give. Unohana spoke the speech that he himself had given to several patients. Some agreed to find more treatment, but at this stage there usually wasn’t much more that could be done. Ichigo knew his odds.
Unohana had a knowing look in her eye as she said she would give him some time and some forms. When Ichigo left,, he still was processing. Ichigo wondered if it was because he was a doctor and that he was immune to this kind of thing, that he was resigned. When arrived home, is when it hit him. Shiro was sleeping on the couch, white locks all were strewn as he dozed away. Ichigo felt the tears and his stomach plummet.
Ichigo found himself in the doorway of their home, on his knees, and his hand to his mouth. He hadn’t sobbed like this in a really long time. Shiro wasn’t a heavy sleeper either, so he wasn’t surprised to hear movement. Shiro was over to him as quick as his awakening mind could process.
“Ichigo?” Ichigo tried to form words but it was all too much. It was causing him pain, he could handle the physical but…He felt like the biggest letdown. Shiro nodded with a lost look on his face, Ichigo couldn’t pin exactly how he was lost as he pulled him closer and let his other half cry.
It hit Shiro like a ton of bricks when Ichigo didn’t recover from his crying fit as quickly as he had in the past. Shiro felt his world spin but..tried to shove down that feeling for the time being. For one time in his life, he wasn’t going to react b his gut instinct, and wait until those crushing words were uttered.
“Positive.” Ichigo was able to get out and Shiro felt nothing, he just stared at the wall. He felt himself shut down, and just..be for a couple of scary moments. “Shiro…” He heard whispered and he looked down to see Ichigo looking at him with such an exhaustion, that it deepened that feeling. He felt Hollow with the knowledge that Ichigo wouldn’t be around for much longer.
They had discussed that if it came back positive, Ichigo knew that the chances of anything aiding him to continue life..wasn’t worth what it would do to his already weakened body. Shiro had been angry at first, for the thought that Ichigo for once was giving up, but he explained to him the science, how it would affect him as a person and he wasn’t prepared to be coddled until he died. He wanted to keep his namesake. Shiro was still angry in a way that was impossible to express, he was angry that Ichigo wouldn’t be able to live until he was old and grey. He was angry that there was nothing that he could do. He was angry that he was going to be left here alone because of an illness that stomped a fiery being out.
He was angry for a million reasons and right now he was just trying to cope without making Ichigo feel responsible because this wasn’t his fault. It never could be. The two of them sat, together, processing and just offering comfort to one another.
~^~^~^~
Ichigo took a raspy breath in as the two men got out of the car. He looked at Shiro as he got out from behind the wheel, taking his hand as the two made their way into Ichigo’s family home. Upon coming in, there was silence and Ichigo’s anxiety was heightened. He looked at Shiro and the man motioned for him to continue forward. The three members of his family sat around the dining room table. Yuzu was reduced to tears immediately.
“Ichi-nii..” She got up and ran to him, Ichigo nearly coming undone at the sight of his sister crying.
“Yuzu..I-”
“I understand..” She whispered. “That doesn’t mean I can’t cry about it, though..” She was reduced to sobs after she got that out. Ichigo gripped her as tight as she could and closed his eyes. Shiro couldn’t tell if he was in pain from his illness or from the emotions he more than likely felt. Karin stared at her brother, as he seemed to sense it and look to her.
She was up and running to him when he raised his hand.
“It’s not fair we have to lose you too.” Ichigo’s face scrunched at the pain of those words and he leaned over his sisters as he held them close. Shiro watched them with concern for a moment before he looked to Isshin and he looked dead himself.
“...You’re taking care of him?” Isshin asked Shiro. Ichigo looked up a bit at this. Shiro nodded. “Good. Nobody should be alone through something like this.” Relief seemed to give Ichigo a new strength to continue to console his sisters. When they let go, Ichigo approached his Dad, He motioned for him to stand and then hugged him, which shocked Isshin.
“Thank you for being understanding..”
“Of course, my boy.” Isshin replied, his voice raspy as he held his son close.
~^~^~^~
“So you’re just giving up?!” Tatsuki yelled when their friend group found out, they were all in the Jaegerjaques home, just trying to have a good time when it slipped what had happened at Ichigo’s appointment. Ichigo sighed, and the tension in the room skyrocketed.
“No, I’m not,” Ichigo replied, looking at his friend. “There’s just not a po-”
“Not a point?!” Tatsuki yelled. “This is your life!” Tatsuki turned to look at Shiro who was lounging in one of the chairs then to Orihime as she spoke. "You're letting this happen?!?!"
“Tatsuki..” Orihime went to reach out.
“No! Listen to me, Kurosaki, when have you ever been one to give up?” That lit a fire under Ichigo before Shiro could say anything.
“No, I haven’t! But I’m tired, Tatsuki!” Tatsuki was quiet, tears welling in her eyes as he grew more furious. “Do you think I want to die!?” Grimmjow’s eyes flicked from Ichigo to Shiro then to his wife.
Nel sighed, they had already known, finding out through Shiro during a night of drinking. “I know that if I went ahead with more treatments that It would be even more painful for you guys!” Ichigo snapped. He felt his body protesting to the tension that was building in his neck. It was getting harder to breathe too, the strain starting to eat at his already over-hassled body.
“Ya need ta leave it.” Shiro finally spoke up. Tatsuki looked at him.
“Why are you so calm about this?” She yelled.
"Do ya think I get off on this?! Ya don' even know what he's already gone through!" He snapped. Renji sighed as they continued to bicker, watching Ichigo sit down on one of the dining chairs. Rukia was watching too, his skin was pale and he looked more than overdone. Shiro looked from them to Ichigo and promptly brought an end to the argument.
“If these are Ichigo’s wishes..” Nel began and Tatsuki looked at Ichigo.
“What about us and your family?” Ichigo looked up through his bangs at her as he took wheezing breaths, Shiro going to his coat pocket and riffling around it.
“That’s…not fair.” Ichigo wheezed. Shiro’s jaw was tight as he helped Ichigo get his breath with an inhaler that had been prescribed. Shiro then turned to Tatsuki.
“Everythin’ Ichigo has ever done has been for other people. You should know tha’.” Shiro said, with a sneer. Rukia sighed.
“He’s right.” She reasoned with Tatsuki. The women’s cheeks were red as she bent her head and let the tears come. It was easy to say that there wasn’t a dry eye in the place, as they all let it sink in.
~^~^~^~
“What do ya wanna do taday?” Ichigo hummed. He had gotten much much worse, but…Shiro didn’t like seeing him cooped up on a day that was sunny.
“…Can we go to the park?” Shiro chuckled, with a nod.
“Of course, King.” Ichigo managed a scowl, with a flush rushing to his ears. Shiro chuckled again, before helping him into a wheelchair and making sure his oxygen tank was okay. Once their, they made themselves comfortable on a blanket in a sunny part of the park. Ichigo hummed at the feeling of the sun before looking at Shiro.
“Shi..” Shiro looked at him, and Ichigo saw the pain hidden away in those eyes. “Thank you.” He managed. Shiro sighed.
“Of course, yer my King..” Shiro trailed off before looking at the sun. He was settled under an umbrella under Ichigo’s orders since his skin didn’t like prolonged sunlight, being really pale and all will do that. Ichigo was quiet for a moment. “I don’ want any goodbyes yet.” Ichigo sighed before just going back to sunbathing.
“That’s fine,” Ichigo said and Shiro sighed. He watched Ichigo, he knew it was coming, sooner than anyone expected and he wasn’t sure if he’d be ready. They had a nice day, Shiro making sure that Ichigo was okay and Ichigo complaining that he didn’t need to hover over him. When they made it home, Ichigo wanted to make dinner, and he wasn’t against it. Especially from the look that Ichigo had given him.
They ate, they talked and laugh, when it came time to sleep, he picked up Ichigo’s copy of Hamlet. The man frowned.
“What are you doing?” He asked as he sat on the edge of the bed.
“Imma read ta ya, want me ta tuck ya in?” Ichigo rolled his eyes, he went to try and do it himself before he winced and hesitantly nodded. Shiro did that, got himself situated in bed, and cleared his voice, starting in on reading from the beginning. Ichigo looked so blissful, and it made Shiro’s chest ache. When he got to the end of the first act, Ichigo had fallen asleep. He smirked a tad, kissing his head as he settled in to sleep. This was a day that the two men had needed.
Shiro didn’t know it would be his last day. Until Shiro woke up the next morning when he found Ichigo, were some of the most painful moments in his life. He had held Ichigo’s face, hands shaking as he shook his head with a cry. Not this soon. He made that dreaded call and he had to show them the do not resuscitate form. He had to call someone though because he couldn’t do this alone. Nel was the one that answered the call.
She went with him to begin the process of Ichigo’s funeral and to notify everyone when all was set and done, Shiro sat in Nel’s car looking completely broken. Nel was quiet as it finally all sunk in for the man beside her as he started to cry. She was quiet, tears of her own in her eyes as she watched her friend. He bowed his head and rested it against the dashboard as his body shook with sobs. She rubbed his back as he put his hands to his face, and she leaned over and rested her head on his back.
“I know..” She said with a tear thicken voice. “It’s not fair..”
“..Not this soon..” She heard him weep and it only added to her tears.
~^~^~^~
Shiro went through the motions, through the funeral. Ichigo’s family was devastated, to say the least. Shiro couldn’t feel anything. When everyone was getting ready to leave, someone tapped him on the shoulder.
“Shiro.” It was Isshin.
“Yeah?” Shiro replied. Isshin was quiet for a moment.
“Thank you for…taking care of him.” Shiro was quiet before he nodded.
“Of course..He..”Shiro was quiet as he looked at the casket.
“If you need someone…Come on over to the clinic.” Shiro was shocked.
“I thought ya didn’ like me?”
“It’s what Ichigo would have wanted.” Shiro saw Isshin for what he was then, a father that had outlived his son. Shiro nodded.
“Alright, I will,” Shiro said, before Isshin and the girls left. Shiro was left alone, as he drove home from the funeral. He wanted to be alone right now. It was all too much. He’d never been so overwhelmed but hollow at the same time. Ichigo had brought so much good to his life but now that was gone. When Shiro got home, he stood in the doorway of their home and felt the tears again.
“Why am I fuckin’ cryin..” He said. He knew why though, he thought he had been ready for Ichigo to be gone. He definitely wasn’t. In this apartment, it was like he was tiptoeing around where Ichigo had left his mark. Nothing of Ichigo’s had moved from where the man himself has placed it. Shiro felt the tears well up again as he tried to make it to their bedroom, where he sunk to the ground and succumbed to his tears.
Images of the life they had in this place drifted into his mind. When they moved in:
“This is ours now?” Ichigo said with excitement to Shiro.
“Well, we pay rent, but yeah this is our slice o’ heaven.” Ichigo chuckled.
When they first said “I love you”:
The two men were laying in bed one night when Ichigo kissed Shiro’s ear and whispered the three words. Shiro had grinned and mumbled it back with a kiss to his hair as he had fallen asleep.
When Ichigo smiled at him in the mornings on the weekend:
The sun streamed into their bedroom, as Shiro woke up to an Ichigo who was smiling sleepily at him. The sun-kissed the orange hair and brought out the gold flecks in his brown eyes. Freckles bringing prominence to the blush that spread when he discovered he’d been caught.
“Like what ya see?” His face grew a deeper blush and a scowl.
“Maybe.” Shiro cackled.
Shiro felt a sharp feeling of acute loneliness, loss, and grief pass through him as he cried on the bedroom floor.
~^~^~^~
Things weren’t easy getting along without Ichigo. Shiro went back to work, but he went to see Ichigo almost every day religiously. He didn’t do much of anything that reminded him of Ichigo. He did go to Ichigo’s grave to talk but anything that had brought Ichigo joy was too painful. It was too painful to know that light was gone.
His friends were really concerned about him, but that wasn’t his problem. He was just trying to get through if he could. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place when it came to being what he knew Ichigo would want for him and what he himself wanted to let happen to him. He just didn’t care. When he went to bed that night though, he hadn’t expected to actually dream.
He was in a sideways world, skyscrapers and bright skies. Further away he noticed that bright orange hair and found himself sprinting. He was in all black attire and smiled sadly at Shiro.
“Shiro..” Shiro tried to touch him but Ichigo backed up.
“Ichigo, what’s goin’ on?”
“You’re spiraling,” Ichigo said and Shiro frowned.
“So? I don’ have ya anymore, and you’re wha’ mattered.”
“And everyone else doesn’t?” Shiro stopped. Ichigo frowned at him. “What about Grimmjow? He’s like a brother to you.” Shiro was quiet as he looked away from Ichigo. He suddenly felt those warm hands cupping his face, Ichigo’s natural musk, and cinnamon filling his nose. “You have more to you than just me.” Shiro looked down.
“Not really, King.”
“Ogichi.” Ichigo said and Shiro looked at him, and there were tears swimming in brown eyes. “I will not sit by while you throw yourself away for me. That’s not what you deserve. We’ll see each other again, okay? If anything..Do it for me.” Shiro’s face crumbled.
“I’m tryin’..”
“Then keep trying” Ichigo kissed him softly. “Because I’ll be with you.” Shiro looked at him before chuckling and nodding.
“Alright.” Ichigo smiled at him, bringing him into a hug. When Shiro woke up the next morning, he was devastated that Ichigo was gone. Yet, the smell of cinnamon and just…Ichigo hung in the air, the wind outside blowing the curtains in their bedroom. Shiro chuckled for a moment. He felt lighter.
“Yer wish is my command, King.”