Work Text:
yoongi watches the girl standing near him sway with the movement of the subway car, balancing a book in one hand. unlike her, he’s slumped in a hard, plastic seat, though exhaustion tugs more so at his mind than his body.
yoongi’s been busy these days.
he and namjoon are really trying to get their album done before the end of the year, and just because yoongi needs to put time into his music doesn’t mean he can work fewer hours at the bar or the record shop.
he hasn’t been answering taehyung’s texts very well lately.
today, as usual, taehyung has sent him a few messages. memes, a cute selfie, some photos of a golden retriever.
it’s inexcusable, how he hasn’t responded to any messages at all for more than twenty-four hours. the latest one reads ‘what do you think of this one?’ followed by a photo of a drawing depicting flowers woven into wild, geometric shapes. having just recently gotten his tattoo license, taehyung’s been working on custom designs for his clients.
it’s gorgeous, but yoongi hadn’t told him so because he hadn’t felt like talking in general.
he still doesn’t quite feel like talking, but he does want to hug taehyung. to either side of him sits a stranger when all he wants is one particular person, one familiar scent. it’s yoongi’s own fault he’s lonely.
when taehyung had announced two weeks ago that his apprenticeship was officially over, they’d celebrated with barbecue. yoongi’s only seen taehyung twice since then, for a quick meal each time.
at this point, yoongi thinks he needs to address the fact that he’s using his busy schedule as an excuse to avoid him. yoongi’s been tired and quiet and a little sad, and he’s been pushing taehyung away because of it. which is ridiculous, because he misses his boyfriend.
boyfriend.
the term still feels weird to him though it’s been almost three months. the label is both too much and not enough- it trivializes how he and taehyung connect, doesn't describe how taehyung can make him feel like he's blooming. sometimes yoongi wakes up thinking they’re still just acquaintances, that taehyung’s still just the beautiful, kind, friend of a friend that he’d wanted, wanted, wanted.
yoongi looks at his reflection in the dark window across from him, the roar of the wind rushing outside the subway car roaring in his ears. he seems scrawny in his oversized jacket, hair messy, tired. nothing special.
when taehyung holds him, he doesn’t feel special either, really. he just feels good. safe.
yoongi thinks he’s reflected enough on his past self-destructive tendencies to know that he needs to fix this sooner rather than later. glancing at the name of the approaching station, yoongi sees that he’s still a few stops from home, but when the subway doors open, yoongi thinks fuck it and pushes out of his seat, weaving past a few bodies before stumbling onto the platform. he’s going to double back a bit and transfer to the subway line that takes him to taehyung’s place.
despite the shitty voice that tells him he should take the opportunity to let taehyung go, he pulls out his phone and types ‘can i come over?’
standing in the middle of the station, yoongi shuts his phone off immediately afterwards, suddenly anxious for the response. it’s been weeks since he’s texted first, and he’s really a piece of shit, isn’t he?
thankfully, taehyung answers just a minute later.
tae 10:38 p.m.
sure!!!!
did you have dinner yet?
do you want me to heat some soup?
yoongi’s chest blooms with warmth, but at the same time, he feels ashamed.
‘i’m good,’ is his response, ‘be over in twenty.’
taehyung answers with ‘a waiting for you!’ and the little pink heart emoji he adds at the end of the phrase soothes yoongi somehow.
yoongi’s body takes him to taehyung’s doorstep on autopilot, taking exit b out of the subway station, turning left at the convenience store, walking into a building and up the stairs to the fourth floor. three raps on the door with his knuckles
taehyung emerges looking absolutely lovely in gray sweats and a faded red tshirt that exposes the edges of the dark, abstract tattoo at his collarbone. yoongi wants to step close and kiss taehyung there, but he doesn’t.
“hey,” taehyung says, and yoongi feels tense. he sees that taehyung’s placed a pair of slippers on the floor for him already, the padded ones that yoongi finds the most comfortable.
“hey,” he says back.
“d’you want some tea?” taehyung asks, hovering slightly.
“sure.”
yoongi feels a little empty when taehyung leaves for the kitchen straight away. the absence of the usual hugs or casual touches causes the full weight of yoongi’s guilt to settle in his gut.
taehyung shuffles around on the kitchen tile as he prepares tea, and yoongi makes his way to the common area to sit silently on the couch, trying think of a way to apologize for being a terrible boyfriend. there’s no way taehyung hasn’t noticed his half-assed replies and excuses for why he can’t spend time with him, though he’s trying to act like everything’s normal.
how does one explain that one has issues? yoongi’s trying to stop pushing people away, only he’s doing a shitty job of it at the moment.
‘you could, y’know, just say that, because communication is important,’ one part of yoongi says, while the other thinks, ‘good luck keeping him around once he knows what a mess you are.’
both voices make sense, so when taehyung comes back with two steaming mugs of chamomile tea, yoongi still doesn’t know what to say.
carefully, taehyung settles on the couch next to him. their knees touch. yoongi wants to crawl onto taehyung’s lap, but instead he takes a sip of tea and burns his tongue.
“careful, baby,” taehyung says when he sees yoongi wince, and yoongi forgets the pain with that word ringing in his head.
baby baby baby. a voice like velvet, but solid and reassuring. when yoongi snaps back to himself, he feels taehyung sitting very still by his side and remembers that he should be trying to communicate. he must take too long to muster up the words, because taehyung beats him to it.
“um …” he starts, all quiet. “are you tired of me?” yoongi turns to look at him and thinks, this is how i mess up, this is always how i mess up.
“no,” yoongi says, “i’ve just… been busy.” as soon as this overused excuse slips off his tongue, yoongi wants to punch himself because it really shouldn’t be this hard to tell the truth. taehyung fiddles with the edge of the couch cushion.
“then why are you- why have you?” taehyung huffs, then takes a deep breath. he meets yoongi’s eyes, gaze so intense without trying, and yoongi feels his heart kick.
“you’ve been avoiding me, hyung,” he says, “and… it’s okay if you want some space but if you could tell me why i’d- i’d feel less stressed about it. and if you don’t want me anymore that’s okay too, but i’d like if you could tell me now.” taehyung swallows and looks away, brings a hand up to rub his nose. “i won’t be mad. i know i’m weird and excitable and… if you’ve decided you don’t like me, i know that’s nobody’s fault. we’ll be okay.” he looks back at yoongi again, so honest and good. he’s the loveliest thing yoongi’s seen all week, with his fluffy hair and comfortable clothes, and he thinks yoongi doesn’t want him anymore.
no, no, no, yoongi thinks, and a bubbly, staticky feeling rises in his throat the way it often does.
“i really-” yoongi begins slowly, “i really like you, taehyung.” distantly, he registers that his voice sounds very small.
“i do this stupid thing sometimes,” yoongi says. “um. i’ve been feeling a little shitty- not because of anything related to you- and i don’t want you to leave but i’m scared you will.”
he looks down at his hands, unable to meet taehyung’s gaze.
“so i did the stupid thing,” yoongi continues, “where i push people away first, before they can get sick of me, and i- i told myself i wouldn’t do this to you because i really like you, but i did and i’m sorry, and i’m trying so please don’t-” his voice catches in his throat.
he’s never voiced these kinds of thoughts before. not to namjoon, not jin or hoseok. sometimes he thinks even namjoon will leave though he’s known him nearly half his life. he tries to ignore this fear because he knows on a certain level that they’re unfounded, but it’s always there.
taehyung reaches out to touch yoongi’s jaw as yoongi stares at the coffee table, fragile and tense.
he says, “i want to stay with you, if that’s what you want.”
“i do,” yoongi says helplessly after a moment.
“c’mere,” taehyung says, reaching over for his boyfriend, who scrambles onto his lap and burrows close. the fabric of taehyung’s tshirt is worn and soft, and yoongi is surrounded by taehyung’s scent and the lingering smell of coconut shampoo.
with taehyung’s arms wrapped around him, yoongi feels so good he could cry. the past few weeks he’s been winding himself tighter and tighter, until he’s become something frustrated and tangled. in his weakness, he hadn’t let anyone or anything touch him, but unraveling here on taehyung’s lap he feels like he could grow strong enough one day to leave his apartment wearing just his skin, without the defenses and the bluster he needs now. yoongi sniffles just once because his nose itches and definitely not because he’s… actually crying. taehyung hears and responds with a gentle kiss to his temple, lips lingering.
“you’re sweet,” taehyung murmurs, “i like you.” his voice is so deep and pretty against yoongi’s skin, makes yoongi think of the time they went to the beach, where taehyung had stood silhouetted against the sunset watching water rush at his feet.
in yoongi’s chest, then, had been the hot glitter of fireworks, pink like the wild sky and bright with joy, knowing he was there in that moment with taehyung.
he likes this boy so much.
“shut up,” yoongi says wetly, which only makes taehyung huff a quiet laugh into his hair.
“my pretty boy, a sweet talker,” taehying croons. yoongi grumbles as he hides his face against taehyung’s shoulder, heart squeezing aggressively in his chest.
“shutting up now,” taehyung acquiesces after a placing a loud, smacking kiss to the side of yoongi’s neck. yoongi’s head reels a little from the sensation.
“i like you too,” he blurts.
taehyung beams at him, not the grin that spreads across his face and scrunches his eyes, but it’s bright and very fond. he tips them over slowly into the pillowy cushion of the couch, falling on top of yoongi, who finds himself shifting onto his back with his legs open to fit taehyung between them.
warmth collects where their bodies are pressed flush to each other, and yoongi feels crushed in the best way. taehyung’s propped on his elbows. his hand finds yoongi’s to lace their fingers together.
“gross,” yoongi whispers.
“the grossest,” taehyung chirps back, before leaning in to kiss him.
taehyung always kisses like he means it. not intense or anything, just earnest, like he wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. yoongi loves it, sinking his teeth carefully into taehyung’s soft bottom lip and feeling him laugh, the familiar press of skin. the wet of his mouth on yoongi’s tongue is sweet.
lying all spread out under taehyung makes something in yoongi’s belly go warm and liquid, makes him feel so good it’s almost too much to comprehend.
his dick fattens up a little against taehyung’s body. he doesn’t particularly want to do anything about it, though.
a small part of yoongi hurts with the fear that he’ll never be enough with the way he doesn’t usually want more than cuddling, but yoongi reminds himself that taehyung was informed about his feelings about sex in the beginning and had been unfazed.
taehying must notice yoongi’s arousal because he pauses for a moment.
“want me to touch you?” he asks, pulling back to look at yoongi’s face. taehyung’s own breathing is getting a little heavy, and the involuntary press of his hips sends a dull bloom of pleasure through yoongi.
they’d had sex twice, yoongi remembers. it had been pleasant but not mindblowing. mostly it had just felt nice to be taken care of by taehyung, who was so gentle and slow and accommodating. one of those times, he’d gotten to see how pretty taehyung was when he came.
sex isn’t something yoongi thinks about often, and the most memorable thing about those experiences was just how taehyung had seemed happy, had made yoongi feel loved and safe. taehyung is making yoongi feel those things now, and yoongi is content, so he shakes his head.
“no,” he says to taehyung’s question, unable to stop the small apology that slips out.
“okay, baby,” taehyung says with a smile and a peck on the lips. “don’t be sorry about it.” he shifts them onto their sides, so that they’re facing each other with their legs tangled together. yoongi’s head is pillowed in the crook of taehyung’s elbow near the very basic stick and poke paw print tattoo on the underside of his arm that he’d let jungkook give him back in high school.
the position is so extremely cozy that yoongi has a hard time trying to speak, but he does have things he wants to communicate. communication is important.
“tae,” yoongi says. his voice is quiet since they’re so close; yoongi can’t look at his boyfriend without going a little cross-eyed. “i have two things i want to say."
“okay?”
“alright,” yoongi begins. “one, sometimes i’m an asshole. you should call me out for it. and two, do you want me to get you off?”
“you’re not-” taehyung starts.
“what you need is as important as what i need,” yoongi interrupts, not about to let taehyung baby him or justify tiptoeing around him. “i know i have…stuff i’m dealing with, but that doesn’t exempt me from being responsible for how i act and how i treat you.” yoongi tucks his face into taehyung’s neck. “i want to try my best, be good to you.”
“okay,” taehyung says after a moment, running his hand though yoongi’s hair. “i get it.”
“mhmm,” yoongi mumbles as he breathes in taehyung’s scent. “just… tell me what you want, what you really, really want.”
there’s silence, then an incredulous, amused … guffaw, is how yoongi would describe it.
“you’ve finally fallen victim to jin hyung’s spice girls obsession,” taehyung says. yoongi just hums neutrally.
“so…your dick?” yoongi reminds. said dick can be felt against yoongi’s thigh.
“jesus,” taehyung says to the ceiling, in response to his bluntness. “i’m fine hyung. i can go jerk off in the bathroom in a bit or something. i don’t mind.”
“you sure?” yoongi asks, a bit worried.
“i’m sure,” taehyung says, squeezing yoongi tighter to him.
“okay,” yoongi takes a deep breath, trusting taehying.
“did you want to stay over?” taehyung asks hopefully. and yoongi is so glad he asked, because he would honestly rather eat a raw pumpkin than go back in the cold to his messy, quiet apartment. taehyung makes a strange happy noise and nuzzles yoongi’s hair when he agrees to stay.
“bed?” taehyung suggests. “it’s late.” craning his neck for a quick glance at it clock, yoongi sees it’s nearly midnight.
“i need to shower,” yoongi replies.
“sure! you can borrow my pajamas." taehyung sounds very pleased at the prospect of seeing yoongi in one of his oversized tshirts. yoongi is very discreetly pleased about it as well.
by the time they’re both settled into bed, yoongi’s about ready to pass out, warm from both the shower and knowing that taehyung is waiting for him. the click of the lamp has darkness filling the room with quiet that is peaceful and soft.
yoongi feels a kiss on his shoulder as taehyung plasters himself to yoongi’s back like a giant hot water bottle. taehyung doesn’t seem to mind the dampness of his hair, since he presses his nose into it and takes a loud sniff.
“tomorrow’s saturday right?” yoongle mumbles, ignoring taehyung’s puppy-like antics. “d’you have any appointments?”
“nope,” taehyung chirps, sounding much more alert than yoongi feels.
“okay.” yoongi closes his eyes. “i’m gonna fall asleep now, but i’ll make breakfast tomorrow and you should tell me how work is going, show me your new stuff. maybe we can go to the dog park and… mmm.” he pauses for a moment to enjoy the feeling of taehyung running his fingers up and down his arm. bless him. “we can hang out with jimin, or just stay in, watch gintama. bake a cake. cuddle,” yoongi finishes, slurring a little. he doesn’t really know what he’s rambling about anymore.
“sounds good,” taehyung says, so fond of yoongi in that moment that his heart seems to shiver in his chest.
“baby,” taehyung mutters into yoongi’s neck, “i have a heart boner for you all the time. what should we do about that?”
“sexy,” yoongi deadpans, after the beat or two it takes for him to understand the statement. but he’s so sleepy and unguarded that softness just wells up in him. “i like you,” yoongi says, really hoping taehyung knows just how much.
“i know,” taehyung replies. “i like you too.”