Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Things  were weird now.

Ryan wanted it to stay that way. He wasn’t lying when he said that this reality was better.

His father was alive. His parents were still married. Dr Urvidian was still friends with his father.

In this reality, he had never become an addict. He had never hit his lowest low and had to drag himself back from the abyss.

In this reality, Dr Urvidian never drowned his sorrow in illegal alcohol and Ryan was never drafted in to mop him up.

Some things hadn’t changed, and oddly, that was comforting.

Jane and Levi were still… themselves. Well as close as they could be to the version that Ryan knew, without all the shit that the had gone through together on Eos 10. It was a thin thread, but Ryan liked it.

Shore leave was surreal, but in a good way. Still, that tight knot behind his ribs pulled taut every time he looked at his father. Some part of Ryan didn’t want to look away in case everything suddenly returned to normal and he’d lose his father all over again. Even his mother was agreeable on their family holiday: in fact she was happier than Ryan could ever really remember seeing her.

Everything was strange and out of place and so, so different to what Ryan knew and he constantly had to bite his tongue in case he somehow slipped up and said the wrong thing. Or in case he said something he shouldn’t know. Or mentioned something that hadn’t happened.

Slowly, though, Ryan was piecing things together.

Slowly, he was trying to make sense of this strange new world.

The infirmary was an anchor and it was always easy to lose himself in his work. Narrowing his view to his patients, his surgeries, his medical notes, his medicines; that was the easiest thing in the world.

Even in a different universe, Ryan was destined for the Eos 10 infirmary and he took great comfort in that. Prodigy or addict, Ryan always devoted his life to helping, to trying to save, to cure.

His work was his tether, and that was perfectly okay by him.

“-The fugitive known only as Akmazian was shot earlier today in an altercation with Alliance operatives."

Ryan could feel his blood run cold. The news was playing through a monitor in Jane’s Nursing Station. He was only dropping by to pick up some paperwork. He wasn’t meant to be here, he wasn’t meant to hear this, he wasn’t-

“Turn it up.” Ryan said, his voice strong but his hands were shaking.

Jane turned the sound up.

“The fugitive was on the run for leaking classified documents from several high-ranking Alliance officers. While his real identity is still unknown, it has been revealed that Akmazian was once an Alliance officer himself before leaking the documents-”

“Ryan, you need to breathe.” Jane’s voice was so far away, so muffled. Ryan could barely hear her over the heartbeat thumping in his ears.

“Jane-”

“I know.” He could feel the ground begin to shift under his feet, “Ryan!”

Distantly, - like this was happening to someone else, like he wasn’t in his own body anymore - there were hands on his shoulders. There were footsteps. There was shouting.

There was pain along the base of his skull. There was a bright light.

Then there was nothing.

No…

No, this wouldn’t do at all.

Time to try again.

Chapter Text

Things were weird now.

Ryan wanted it to stay that way. He wasn’t lying when he said that this reality was better.

His father was alive. His parents were still married. Dr Urvidian was still friends with his father.

In this reality, he had never become an addict. He had never hit his lowest low and had to drag himself back from the abyss.

In this reality, Dr Urvidian never drowned his sorrow in illegal alcohol and Ryan was never drafted in to mop him up.

Some things hadn’t changed, and oddly, that was comforting.

Jane and Levi were still… themselves. Still causing mayhem and small chaos wherever they went (though to be fair to both of them, most of the time Levi was to blame for that).

The glow of his happy shore leave was still shining on him, and Ryan knew that the slightly odd looks being thrown his way were because of it. He was happy, sue him! Especially now that he could talk to his father whenever he wanted, and that the tight feeling in his chest was slowly subsiding into contentedness. (Was that a word?)

Everything was strange and out of place and so, so different to what Ryan knew and he constantly had to bite his tongue in case he somehow slipped up and said the wrong thing. Or in case he said something he shouldn’t know. Or mentioned something that hadn’t happened.

Slowly, though, Ryan was piecing things together.

Slowly, he was trying to make sense of this strange new world.

Then something stranger happened.

And naturally, it happened when Ryan least expected it.

The day in the infirmary had been (blessedly) quiet and as uneventful as an ER on a space station could be. Strangely, Ryan had woken with a small spring in his step. His good mood would have been infectious if only his traitorous mind would stop reminding him that something wasn’t right. Even Ryan’s best mood couldn’t help but being dampened a little when he remembered this technically wasn’t whatever reality he grew up in.

Just a few more hours - Ryan only had a few more hours until he could go back to his empty quarters (with Morpheus nowhere to be found, though he supposed that made sense) and… do something, he guessed. Watch a movie, maybe?

As with every plan Ryan Dalias ever made, it hit the fan as soon as he talked to Nurse Jane Johns.

“Hey, Jane, have you got that list of all the remaining surgeries this week?” Ryan asked, barely looking up from the board he was scanning as he stopped by the Nurse’s Station.

“It’s around here, somewhere.” Jane promised, immediately beginning to look through some files.

“I take it this is the man you were talkin’ about?”

Ryan couldn’t help how all his muscles tensed when he heard that voice. He allowed himself only a second to try desperately to compose himself before he looked up at the man he had only just noticed.

Akmazian stood in front of him, almost exactly how he remembered him; everything from the long hair twisted back in braids to the slight chroming on his prosthetic arm at the joints to the slightly faded scar on his neck that disappeared underneath his jacket collar. Even his outfit was vaguely familiar even though Ryan had never seen him wear those clothes before;  comfortable jeans, a well fitting T-shirt and a brown hooded jacket. He wouldn’t have looked out of place in the crowds onboard Eos 10, if only Ryan had ever seen him in a crowd as openly as he was stood in front of him now.

The vague ringing in his ears only faded in time for him to hear Jane mention that Akmazian was an old associate of Dr Osolong’s.

“Yeah, I’m not here for too long, but I thought I’d swing by. See if I could catch him while I was here. We’ve got a bit of catching up to do.” Akmazian said, a charming smile on his face as he turned his body to face Ryan. His shoulders had stiffened under his jacket and Ryan wondered if he was imagining that look in his eye.

“Well if you’re new here, I’d be happy to give you a tour.” Ryan said. As soon as the words left his mouth, he regretted it. Why had he said that? Why had he been that bold? This probably wasn’t his Akmazian: why was he so eager to test that theory?

“You know what? I think I’d like that, Doctor Dalias.” Akmazian said, leaning in just a little. Enough for Jane to shoot Ryan a look that was either meant to convey ‘what the fuck are you doing Ryan?? Why are you flirting with a handsome stranger at my Nurse’s Station’ or ‘I knew it! I knew you liked men, but that was a pretty forward thing you just did, especially considering it’s you’ or maybe some combination of the two.

“Great! That’s... great.” Ryan’s brain was now starting to catch up to his mouth but he didn’t want to back down just yet. Some strange part of him wanted to push just how different this reality was to what he knew. “Well, I finish my shift in about three hours. How about you swing by my quarters this evening and I’ll give you a tour of the station?”

“That sounds pretty nice,” Akmazian said, leaning back and tucking his hands into his pockets. “Well, I better go see how Doctor Osolong is doing. Nurse Johns, pleasure to meet you.”

“It was nice to meet you too,” Jane said, still shooting Jane-like looks to Ryan.

“I guess I’ll see you later tonight, Doctor Dalias.” Akmazian said, ever so subtly winking at him as he turned to walk away down the hall.

For some reason, that struck a chord in Ryan’s gut. Had Akmazian ever winked at him before?

“Ryan,” Jane’s voice broke through Ryan’s thoughts and suddenly his actions caught up with him.

“What just happened?” Ryan asked, finally looking over at Jane. He could feel his hands shaking as he gripped the file that Jane was still holding out to him.

“You just asked that guy out,” Jane said, confirming whatever dream or nightmare this was, “and what the hell?! Dr Osolong’s been trying to ask you out for months and you ask out his friend. That’s a low blow, buddy.”

The insult slid right off Ryan’s shoulders. Strangely, Ryan couldn’t help the lightness in his chest. Nor the small smile on his face.

“Thank you for this, Nurse Johns.” Ryan said, briefly holding up the file for context. “I should be going.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jane waved him off as Ryan walked away, calling after him, “you better tell me how it goes!”

“Not a chance!” Ryan called back, not even bothering to look over his shoulder.

The smile still hadn’t faded. His good mood permeated the air around him and only began to ebb once he had shut the door to his quarters behind him.

As the lock slid into place, the weight of the day pressed down against his chest again and Ryan couldn’t ignore it.

He’d been stupid to just assume that this Akmazian was his Akmazian. It was stupid to get his hopes up. Stupid, stupid, stupid……

And yet, here he was: leaning his (slightly larger than average) forehead against his door, a small smile on his face. Even if this Akmazian wasn’t his, Ryan could at least feel at ease that Akmazian was somewhere out there in the universe; safe and free.

But right now, Ryan needed to shower. Quite badly. And wear something nice. He had a good first impression to make. Probably.

One quick and thorough shower later, Ryan was carefully picking through all his clothes. All at once, he understood why Jane would be so irritable before a date. Choosing an outfit was hard when you wanted to look good, but also casual, but not too casual.

It took a solid ten minutes to settle on a simple button-up shirt and that pair of jeans that Jane had once told him made his butt look really good. It seemed like a good compromise.

Even though he was expecting it, the knock on his door still caught him by surprise. One last quick glance in the mirror was all Ryan could really do to psych himself up.

He took a breath, and opened the door.

Akmazian stood on the other side of the door, dressed the same as he was earlier. His hands were tucked into his pockets again, but his grin was the same cocky grin that Ryan knew well. Even if it was a little sheepish.

“Right on time.” Ryan said, stepping away from the door and gesturing for Akmazian to come in.

“I’m glad I was punctual.” Akmazian said, stepping inside to Ryan’s quarters. He didn’t look out of place against Ryan’s usual decorations. Then Ryan blinked and the old image of his Akmazian faded and Ryan could see the disconnect.

He pretended like that didn’t hurt.

“I’m just- going to grab my jacket, then we can go?” Ryan said, cursing how his voice pitched oddly as he spoke, but playing it off as nerves. “You want the grand tour, right?”

“As much as you can show me in a night. This place is pretty big.” Akmazian said, reaching up and scratching the stubble on his chin sheepishly.

“I think we can make it work.” Ryan said, slipping his jacket over his arms. He looked up and saw that strange look in Akmazian’s eye again. Sorrow? Regret? Pain?

Ryan’s movements slowed and he found himself just… looking. He wanted desperately for him to be his Akmazian.

This was the better reality: his father was alive, his parents were still together, Dr Urvidian was never a drunk and he was still his father’s best friend. Jane and Levi were… happier, than his reality. This was meant to be better!

And better meant better for everyone. Including Akmazian.

In his reality - the one only he could remember - Akmazian was a spy turned terrorist, falsely blamed for something he didn’t do and living his life on the run. His Akmazian lived in a cargo bay and sometimes snuck into his room in the middle of the night and smuggled in a cat to Eos 10 for him.

If this reality really was better, then this reality’s Akmazian deserved to be a part of that.

He deserved a better life. He deserved better than having Ryan and all his problems in his life.

And yet...

“Something wrong, Doctor Dalias?” Akmazian asked. When had they moved closer? Which one of them had moved first?

“Just...lost in thought, I guess.” Ryan said, snapping out of it. He blinked and began to take a step back.

Akmazian’s flesh hand reached out and Ryan paused before it even closed around the edge of his collar.

“Your collar was a bit twisted.” Akmazian said, in way of an apology. His fingertips lingered and Ryan knew he wasn’t imagining that look in his eye anymore.

Ryan was tired of thinking.

He was tired of missing his chance.

Ryan’s hand reached up and he saw Akmazian shiver as he carefully twined their fingers together.

Akmazian’s gaze was darting across Ryan’s face. But he wasn’t pulling away.

Slowly, Ryan’s other hand reached up. He could feel himself holding his breath. He touched Akmazian’s cheek, his thumb stroking across his stubble like he’d done before. And like before, Akmazian shivered.

There was pressure on his waist, and Ryan could feel Akmazian pull him closer.

They were planetary bodies, slowly being pulled in by each other’s gravity. Colliding in slow motion.

Then all of a sudden, they crashed.

Ryan’s fingers gripped Akmazian’s hair, pulling him close and kissing him like he’d never see him again.

Akmazian crowded against him, tugging and pulling him close, kissing back with all the fight in his body.

Somehow, there was a wall pressed against Ryan’s back and Akmazian pressing against his front, and a hand under his shirt and Ryan’s mouth on Akmazian’s neck and Akmazian’s teeth biting his bottom lip.

He could feel his blood thrumming through his veins and Akmazian’s hands burning trails on his skin and his lungs struggling to keep up.

Ryan never wanted this moment to end.

But Ryan never got what he wanted.

Akmazian suddenly pulled away and the air felt bitterly cold without his warmth. Ryan’s arms dropped to his side and he felt he looked as blindsided as he felt. But the look on Akmazian’s face was caught somewhere between horror and relief.

“You remember me?” Akmazian asked, but it sounded like an accusation.

“I’m the only one who remembers you.” Ryan said. He hadn’t moved away from the wall. It felt like if he moved, everything would shatter around him.

“That’s not a good thing, Ryan.” Akmazian said. “I knew I shouldn’t have come back here.”

“Then why did you, Akmazian?” Ryan challenged. His hands were shaking again. His head hurt. “Why did you come back if you didn’t want us to remember you?”

The silence stretched on for far too long.

Ryan could feel his heartbeat begin to pick back up when Akmazian stepped forwards again. The kiss was short this time; just a brush of lips together and Akmazian’s hand on his cheek.

“I had to know you were okay.” Akmazian whispered, his breath ghosting over his skin.

Ryan’s eyes opened again and Akmazian had that look in his eye again.

“Goodbye, Do-... goodbye Ryan.” Akmazian said, pressing his lips against Ryan’s forehead. “Try not to remember me next time.”

“Next time?”

The door shut behind Akmazian and Ryan could still feel the buzz of his skin, but then all Ryan could feel was pain