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It had been one month since they brought Waverly and Doc home.
One month since they destroyed the Garden and the Gate. Well, one month since she destroyed them.
And still they had not talked. Not about what happened, not about the engagement, not about anything. Getting Waverly back felt like getting back a piece of herself that had been ripped out. But now, that piece didn’t fit quite like it used to.
Nicole leaned against the front porch railing of the homestead and sighed. She pulled the blanket tighter around her shoulders, trying to ward off the damp, chilly autumn air and looked out toward the barn. Distant grunts and thuds coming from it told her that Doc and Wynonna were sparring again. They had been sparring a lot since Doc came home. Nicole supposed it was their way of coping with the trauma of everything that had happened.
The grasses that surrounded the homestead swayed gently at the edges of her vision as she stared off into empty space. The faint light of dawn crept across the sky, scattering through thick clouds that promised rain. Nicole felt slow and thoughtful. Although, she thought, that might just be the sleep deprivation.
The thuds and groans from the barn did not let up, and Nicole felt her mind drifting over the events of the past year. To everything she had been through and everything she had done to get Waverly back. She tensed, anxiously twisting the ring on her finger. Bulshar’s ring. Julian’s ring. Her ring.
It sat, heavy and full of intent, on the middle finger of her right hand. It used to bother her, bearing the burden and responsibility of the ring, but now it simply provided warmth and comfort. Something familiar in an unfamiliar world.
Nicole spun the ring around her finger, lost in the memories of the last few months as the dawn slowly grew into day. She rubbed her thumb along the engraved Arabic on the band, the word she had come to embody so completely.
انتقام. Vengeance.
She jumped as the front door slammed shut, the sound echoing across the yard. Waverly looked at her apologetically, two steaming mugs of coffee in her hand. She held one out and Nicole took it gratefully.
Waverly leaned against the railing next to her, warming her hands with her own mug.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Waverly broke the silence first. The same way she had broken the silence for the last two weeks. Nicole shook her head, unable to form the words she knew they both needed to hear.
It was too hard. It was too fucking hard and the silence and the distance were killing her but she didn’t know how to bridge the gap. Not without destroying Waverly in the process. But her silence was destroying them. She felt trapped.
Nicole tried to form the words. It just isn’t the right time and We have so much to work through and I don’t want to be the last to know swirling around her head, all trying to come out at once and leaving her tongue tied. She hated to admit it, but she had never felt more a part of the family than when they were searching for a way to bring Waverly and Doc home.
And now that family was slipping away. She could feel them pushing her to the outskirts again. She felt it in the way that Wynonna stopped including her in weekly meetings under the guise of giving her and Waverly space. She could feel it in the way that Waverly treated her like she was made of glass, and in the way that Jeremy spoke, as if she always had more information than she actually did.
Her life was becoming a patchwork of missing pieces, and the only common thread was the comfort that she and Waverly provided each other when the cold terror of the Garden woke them screaming in the middle of the night.
Nicole knew that Waverly just wanted to protect her, but she didn’t need protecting. She never had. She needed her family. She needed her girlfriend. Because they weren’t ready. And she refused to allow them to fail because they rushed into something they weren’t ready for.
Nicole straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath, feeling as the newly healed scars from her sigil pulled tight across her skin.
“No.”
Waverly twitched, looking to Nicole and trying to hide her surprise that Nicole had actually answered her.
“What?” Waverly watched Nicole spin the ring around her middle finger.
Nicole couldn’t look at her. If she did, she wouldn’t have the strength to do what needed to be done. For them.
“When we sat here and you asked me to marry you, I never got to answer.” She took a deep breath and hoped that Waverly would understand. “My answer is no.”
There was a crash as the mug slipped from Waverly’s hands and shattered against the porch.
“Why?” Waverly asked quietly, her voice thick with unshed tears.
Nicole couldn’t bear it. She looked up into watery, heartbroken eyes, and it killed her that she made them that way. But she couldn’t stop now, not if they were ever going to have a chance.
“Waverly, I meant what I said. After the widow attack.” Nicole spoke softly, praying that she hadn’t just destroyed the best thing that had ever happened to her. “I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. But we aren’t ready.”
“A lot has changed,” she continued. “We’ve changed.”
“When you were gone? When there was no one to protect me and Wynonna needed me? That was when I finally felt like a part of the group. And I hate it. Because I want that with you, Waverly. But you have got to stop trying to protect me.”
She held out her hand and Waverly tugged gently on the ring, knowing that even now, no one but Nicole could remove it. Waverly dropped their hands but didn’t let go.
“And we need to figure out who we are and how we fit into each other’s lives. Because I don’t want to go back to being the last one to the party. To being ignored and excluded and left out of the fight. I know you want to protect me, Waverly, but I don’t need protecting. I need a partner.”
Waverly shuffled closer, carefully avoiding the jagged fragments of her shattered coffee mug. She folded herself into Nicole’s side as Nicole pulled the blanket around her shoulders.
“I know,” Waverly murmured sadly, “and I’m sorry. I promise to do better.”
She shifted closer, leaning her head on Nicole’s shoulder.
“I just get so afraid.” Waverly paused, trying hard to hold back the tears. “Nicole, I’m so afraid all the time. I can’t—I can’t lose you and I just wanted to keep you safe but I couldn’t and I’m losing you anyway.”
“Hey.“ Nicole set her mug down and wrapped both arms around Waverly, engulfing her in the warmth of the blanket as she kissed the top of her head.
“I’m not going anywhere, okay? I even have this shiny old ring to prove it.” She wiggled her right hand against Waverly’s back until she laughed away her tears. “And I know it’s hard. We both have a lot to work on. So, why don’t we just stay girlfriends while we work on them?”
“Okay,” Waverly said as Nicole swayed them gently. “Just promise me one thing.”
“Anything.”
“Next time...” Waverly rested her head on Nicole’s chest, her eyes closing as she listened to the steady beat of her heart. “Next time, when I have a proper ring and we’re good and ready, you’ll say yes.”
Nicole smiled, easy and free, for the first time in weeks. “Next time, I’ll say yes.”