Chapter Text
TJ couldn’t sleep.
It all started in that moment when he just wanted a last glimpse of Cyrus while he was walking away, so he had glanced back over his shoulder at him, and that look on Underdog’s face, pride and joy and amazement altogether. When he saw it, TJs heart had exploded. He realized he wanted Cyrus to always see him that way. He wanted to always be the guy who deserved to be seen that way.
And then, as he’d walked away, it hit him like a physical blow. This wasn’t a normal feeling. This wasn’t friendship anymore. Something had changed somewhere along the line.
Oh, he thought, finally putting a name to it with a feeling of sinking dread, this is what people meant when they said ‘in love’. It was like lightning across his body. A tightness in his heart.
The longer he walked the more it all came together in his head. His thoughts raced. When was it exactly? When did things change? Or was it always a crush from day one?
Was it the day in the gym?
At the swings?
Good god, was it that first day in the lunchroom?
How had he missed it?
Was he gay? Bi? He hasn’t thought much about it to that point. While he hadn’t had a crush on anyone, there hadn’t really been time. School, basketball, the gym, friends, helping with his sisters. He’d always just assumed he was straight and hadn’t met the right girl yet.
And suddenly, worse than it had ever been, his old fear and despair settled over him. How could this have happened? Why was this happening to him?
In a sudden flash he thought about that damned chocolate chocolate chip muffin. Yeah, that was where this had started. He remembered the way he’d felt when those kids in line had started yelling at Cyrus. That’s where it had begun.
As he came through the door he barely noticed his mom asking about his day. He had no idea how he’d responded. All he could think about was the look on Cyrus’s face when he held that muffin. That triumph, that joy.
His homework passed in a daze as he re-examined each memory.
The night of the Bar Mitzvah. The cryptic words of the fortune teller.
The day in the park. He’d recognized Cyrus from a distance, and something in the way the boy had sat with such sadness had pulled TJ a little out of his own misery and he’d walked over and caught the adorable little singsong that Cyrus was barely singing.
He should have realized right then that there was something different in his reactions to the boy. He had been so surprised that Cyrus had a slide song too. It had filled him with an unexpected delight that now TJ knew that was so completely how Cyrus always made him feel.
His Underdog never ceased to amaze him with his passion for things, and more, his capacity to really care about other people. Even people like TJ that he should hate on principle.
TJ smiled again as he thought about the look of joy as Cyrus declared the simple act of swinging outside his limits as exhilarating.
Then that unexpected kindness in the gym when he’d revealed his fear so completely, and Cyrus just accepting and helping him confront the fear, and somehow soothed it all away. It was breathtaking. How could he not fall in love with him a bit after that?
He didn’t even notice his mom’s look of worry as he picked at his dinner, clearly lost in thought.
He barely noticed as he filled the dishwasher and took the garbage out. And remained lost in thought while he went up and lay on his bed, mostly ignoring the homework that was waiting for him.
He was still lost in thought when she knocked on the door.
“Do you want to talk about it?” She asked in her quiet voice.
He shook his head. “No, I’m just trying to figure out some stuff.”
“Should I be worried?” She asked lightly.
He smiled. “It’s nothing bad mom, I promise. I just realized something and I can’t stop thinking about-“ he shrugged. “Everything I guess. I’m thinking about everything.”
She smiled at him, this oldest and most difficult of her children. She was worried because he’d always been fearless, and when he’d walked in the door she thought he almost looked afraid. “Whatever it is, you know your mom loves you, always.”
He smiled up at her, “I do. But it’s nice to hear again.” His smile slipped from his face. “But what if-“ he stopped.
She answered “Always means always Thomas.”
He rolled his eyes. “I hate when you call me that. But what if you found out I’d done something horrible, like shot someone, or robbed a bank?” He continued with an urgency that unsettled her.
“TJ, did you rob a bank or shoot someone?” She asked.
“No!” He said. “I wouldn’t. Ever.”
She nodded, smiling. “I already know that. You’re a good boy for all you try to be tough. I know your heart though. And it’s good all the way through. There’s nothing you could be capable of that would change that.”
“I’ve done cruel things mom.” He shook his head. “I’ve said terrible and mean things that I regret so much.”
“And you can try to fix that.” She replied simply. “It’s never too late to be a better person, but it gets harder the further you go down that other path.”
He nodded. “I think I’ve learned that. It’s hard to undo the things I’ve said though.”
“Yes, but I guarantee it’s worth it.” She replied as she sat down on the edge of his bed. “Don’t be a man like your father. Be better.”
“Is this what’s eating at your heart tonight?” She asked. “These cruel words?”
“I wish that’s all it was.” He said quietly. He looked at her with a quiet desperation. A sudden pang of need she’d never seen on his face. “Would you still love me if I was gay?” He blurted out.
All at once so many little moments from the last few years clicked into place in her head and heart.
“Is that what this is about?” She asked quietly.
He nodded. “I think so.”
She leaned forward and gathered her firstborn back into her arms as he started to cry. “Oh my Thomas,” she whispered. “I love you. Always. And this changes nothing.”
His silent sobs shook her to her core as she held him. She wondered if her son was mourning a future that wouldn’t be now, or if it was fear of the new unknown future before him. But she vowed to herself that she would make sure he’d see this as an opportunity not a loss.