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Jack turns to James as Tia’s footfalls recede, his mind made up. ‘I was an idiot,’ he says simply. ‘Forgive me, James.’
‘For what?’ James says, his voice strained, and Jack knows that what is on his mind is also on James’s.
‘For treating you the way I have. I should have told you as soon as you came back. I should have told you everything about what your death did to me.’
James exhales with a sigh. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore, does it? If what Tia says is indeed true, then we will have no recollection of… of anything.’
‘Maybe not,’ Jack says. ‘But she also said the one who does the spell will remember, James.’
‘Let me do it, then,’ James says quickly.
‘You want me to forget?’ Jack asks quietly.
‘Yes,’ James says firmly.
‘Why?’
‘Because I’ve seen how you’ve changed. I’ve seen what the last few months have done to you. I can’t let you… let you live with that. I can’t… I can’t remember the last time I saw you smile.’
Jack sucks in his breath. ‘I’ve had precious little to smile about since you died, James.’
‘I know,’ James says gently, despairingly. ‘I don’t want you to carry that burden, Jack.’
‘And you’re willing to carry it?’ Jack asks.
James gives a brief, humourless laugh. ‘Even if I was the one who died, I think it was worse for you.’
‘How do you reckon that?’ Jack asks.
‘Because you care,’ James says simply. ‘I see how much you care.’
Jack smiles faintly. ‘I’ve not touched you since you came back, and that shows you I care?’
‘Yes. You do. More than you ever thought you would. I know, because I do too.’
‘After the way I treated you?’
‘Because of the way you treated me. Because my death broke you, as yours would have broken me.’
‘It… If I had… if only I had more time with you, the wounds would heal,’ Jack says hoarsely. ‘Yours and mine both.’
‘But we have no time,’ James says quietly, looking up into Jack’s eyes.
Jack feels something stir inside him as he looks down into James’s eyes, and feels his hand reach of its own accord for James’s shoulder. It squeezes once, and warm radiates through Jack’s arm, and across his whole body. It is strange that it should feel like warmth, for a shiver runs through him as well.
’It’s not love that’s caused the wounds, James. It’s loss. And death. And all those other things you and I have no control over.’
‘So you don’t regret it?’ James asks. ‘Being with me?’
‘No, James. I don’t.’ The shiver has reached his knees now, and he rests a hand on the table to steady himself. ‘Being with you… reminded me of what I was like a long time ago, James. A dreamer. I dreamt I could have everything. Everything I ever wanted. It was beautiful… and I wasn’t ready for something so beautiful, James. I’d given up on that a long time ago. I’ve lost the Pearl a few times, but she’s always come back to me. When I lost you… when you died… it broke something in me that had taken me so long to fix… and I felt I’d never be whole again. What I regret is that there was something out there that could take away what I loved, and I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t do a bloody thing to stop it.’
‘I’m sorry, Jack,’ James says, reaching to touch the hand that is still tight upon his shoulder. Jack turns his hand beneath James’s, and their fingers entwine involuntarily, familiarly.
The familiar touch sends a thrill of strength flooding through Jack, and he reaches down with his other hand to frame James’s face. ‘Don’t be sorry, James. You’re the one who died, and here I am, acting as if I were the one who had it rough.’
‘We both had it rough, Jack,’ James says softly, turning his head so that his lips are against Jack’s hand.
Jack lets himself drop to his knees in front of James’s chair, his hand still clutching James’s tightly, and rests his cheek against James’s coat. ‘Time helps us forget the worst of things… that’s one thing I’ve learnt.’
James tightens his fingers around Jack’s, wrapping his other arm around Jack and holding him close. ‘Let’s get this thing with Zima over with,’ he says into Jack’s hair, ‘and then we can deal with time.’
Jack nods wordlessly, his cheek pressed against a button on James’s coat. He presses closer against it, closer against James. In a minute, he knows, they will have to pull apart, and start the process that will send what they have found into oblivion. But for this minute, he is with James again, and a minute will have to suffice.