Work Text:
Felix sighs and runs his right hand through his semi-greasy hair. He rubs his exhausted eyes and they get itchy. The kind of itchy that only gets worse the more you rub them. He can feel the bags under his eyes and the oil on his skin. He can feel every single little gross part on his body, and also every single little gross part on the inside as well.
Here’s the plan: he’s going to pick up a piece of paper and a pencil, and he’s going to write a letter. So he does just that.
I hate you so fucking much.
That’s a great way to open it up, he thinks.
You really make me sick. The sight of you makes my inside churn and my nausea rise. I hate having to see you every single damn day, and I hate that there is nothing that I can do about it. It’s the worst feeling ever, having to go around, and knowing that you’re always going to be around as well. Always going to be making me feel like trash.
Felix sighs and takes a moment to think. This is really harsh. But it’s okay, he guesses. It’s not like he’ll actually be delivering the letter. It’s almost as if he’s writing it as some sort of diary entry. He feels his chest tighten in frustration again, so he keeps writing.
Hyunjin. Your stupid name and your stupid face. Your stupid face is so much better than mine. I hate you so much for that. I hate you so much for being so pretty. I hate you so much because you’re so good looking, but you’re sad because people are too blinded by your beauty to recognize your talent? Must be nice. I’d love to be able to go about my day without being so concerned about my looks. And it’s so dumb because you’re so good at everything. You’re so hardworking and anything you do just works out. I feel like I have to suffer so much more than you do to get anything done, and I’m never anywhere near to being as good as you are.
He doesn’t know if he’s exaggerating. Maybe he is. But that’s not the point. Felix logically knows that this isn’t all true. He knows that Hyunjin probably struggles just as much as he does, but this letter isn’t about saying what he thinks is actually true, no. It’s about pouring out all of his raw emotions, because he can’t stand it anymore.
So maybe I’m a bit jealous of you, I think. What of it? Who honestly isn’t jealous of you? You could have the whole world wrapped around your finger, just like that, And I hate how I’m part of that already. You’re always on my damn mind and it’s driving me insane. Everything about you. I hate you so much but I can’t stop thinking about your pretty face, and your pretty smile, and the way your eyes crinkle when you laugh. I can’t stop thinking about the look of concentration on your face when you try to get a certain dance move right, and I can’t stop thinking about the way your body moves when it dances. I can’t stop thinking about the way your body could move doing… other things.
And I don’t know what this means. You’re driving me mad, Hyunjin. Hwang Hyunjin. I don’t know how to properly describe what I’m feeling. I don’t get it. It’s not like I’m completely stupid. I’ve thought about whether it could be a crush or not, but this isn’t it. No. Whenever I’ve had crushes, it’s always been soft and warm and nice. I mean, not always nice, because my crushes have never liked me back, but it was pleasant, even though it hurt a bit. But this isn’t pleasant. This hurts a LOT. And when it doesn’t hurt me it’s not soft and warm. It’s loud as hell and it almost burns. I don’
Before he manages to complete his next sentence, somebody barges into the room. Felix panics and immediately slams his hands down on the paper, sort of crumpling it and stuffing it into the pocket of his hoodie.
“You okay there?” asks none other than Hwang Hyunjin himself. Felix’s heart beat picks up with his anxiety, and he tries to even out his breathing.
“Yeah, why? What’s up?” Felix tries to make his posture seemed more relax, and does his very best to even out his breathing. Hyunjin doesn’t really seem to buy it all that much, though.
“What’s that in your pocket?” he asks with a raised brow. Felix’s hand tightens around the piece of paper, and he’s ready to shred it to pieces if Hyunjin gets any closer than that.
“It’s, uh,” he hesitates, “It’s lyrics. But they’re kind of embarrassing and not that good. No, I’m not going to show you,”
Hyunjin seems to believe that and giggles, eyes doing that thing that makes Felix’s heart skip a beat. He goes to sit on the bed, not too far away from where Felix is sitting at the desk.
And this is awful, because Felix was still very much in the middle of purging all of his feelings out on the paper, so he can still taste them right at the tip of his tongue. The person all of those feelings were directed towards is sitting right across from him, and he wants to scream. He’s almost tempted to even give his letter to Hyunjin, but he’s not that dumb. If anything he’d throw it at his face and run straight out of his room’s door, right out of their dorm, and right onto the street. Maybe he just needs some fresh air. Hyunjin’s gaze is suffocating him. On the other hand, though…
Felix thinks that he likes it.
He wants Hyunjin to hold him down until he can’t breathe, and the thought of Felix wanting that freaks him out even more than the image itself.
“You should let me read those lyrics anyway,” says Hyunjin. “You always hide them from us, but we all know that you’re better than you think you are.”
Felix forces out a fake sounding laugh. “Yeah, no. Not happening. I’ll let you read my lyrics when you let me read your secret poems.”
At that, Hyunjin clearly tenses up and fake laughs as well. “Alright, maybe not.” He gets up and stalks up to Felix, who backs up in his chair away from Hyunjin, until there’s no more space left and Hyunjin leans down so that he’s right in Felix’s space.
This is all totally normal behavior. All of the members always get uncomfortably close to each other, it never really means anything. However, Felix doesn’t know if this is just because of the state his brain was already in, or if there’s really something there, but this feels different. Hyunjin is looking at him slyly, and it makes Felix squirm.
He leans in even closer and Felix has to bring his hands up to stop the other boy from getting any closer, but that’s when he realizes his fatal mistake. Before he can do anything, Hyunjin swipes the piece of paper in his hoodie pocket in a single swift motion, and victoriously steps away.
Felix feels panic rising in his chest and he immediately gets up, trying to grab the paper back from Hyunjin. His band member, being taller, raises his hand up high and wiggles the paper right above Felix’s reach, all while cooing at him. The shorter boy feels his face heating up out of embarrassment and frustration and even rage, and as he tries to jump up to get the paper, he stumbles a bit and ends up pushing Hyunjin down on the bed, both of them falling rather ungracefully.
He acts quickly though, and manages to crawl up to grab the paper away from Hyunjin, and the taller boy seems out of it for a second, before he realizes that he lost, and starts laughing.
“You’re such an asshole,” Felix almost shouts at him, but Hyunjin keeps laughing. He wraps his arms around Felix and brings him down against his chest, hugging him tightly. Felix tries to resist, but eventually he deflates and lets himself be held.
“You know I wasn’t actually going to read that, right?” Hyunjin asks after a while of petting Felix’s hair.
“I don’t know,” he replies. “I just really didn’t want you to see that.” Felix can tell that Hyunjin wants to ask him why, or maybe wants to ask him what it’s about, but he thankfully chooses to remain silent.
They lay like that for a while, and Felix manages to tone down his feelings from before. With Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around him, it’s hard to remember why he hated him so much earlier. It still burns though. It burns so much. Felix wishes that he could wrap his arms around Hyunjin as well, but he feels like he can’t. If he did, he’d probably end up accidentally doing something weird, and he doesn’t want to risk it. If he did, maybe he’d get the urge to kiss his taller friend, which he definitely hasn’t thought about doing before. If he did, Hyunjin might get suspicious of him when he won’t be able to get Felix to let him go.
He decides to do it anyway. He carefully, and awkwardly, manages to wrap his arms around Hyunjin, who sighs against his temple contentedly. The weirdest thing Felix ends up doing is rubbing circles into Hyunjin’s back, which Hyunjin seems to enjoy.
He looks up and Hyunjin is already looking at him, though somewhat distantly. He really wish he could tilt his head and kiss him, and he wishes even more that Hyunjin would do it himself. Felix thinks that Hyunjin does kind of look like he wants to do just that, but that could be just wishful thinking.
This would be great, it would be. If this were a crush, Felix would be feeling more alive than ever right now. But he doesn’t. He still has icky feelings of resentment toward his friend, and he just can’t get rid of them. He still hates Hyunjin, no matter how much he likes him. He still feels sick, because he wants to kiss him, but also scratch his eyes out.
Hyunjin looks peaceful though. He looks as if he’s content, unbothered, and happy. He’s at his most beautiful state, and that brings out Felix’s worst state.
Later, when Felix wakes up, realizing that he had fallen asleep, he notices that Hyunjin is gone. He pats down onto his pocket, and he realizes that his paper is gone as well. But if Felix had decided to sit up and check his surroundings, instead of immediately panicking, he would have seen that he was laying on top of it the whole time.