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Zoidberg's Revenge or Zoidberg murders EVERYONE

Summary:

The whole multiverse thinks they're too good for Zoidberg huh?

John F****** is going to take on ALL of fiction, starting with those stuck up kids in Kanto!

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

Kanto Region

 

Ash, Brock, and Misty were strolling through the woods one day when they heard a promising sound. Off to the right, there came the noise of rustling in the underbrush.

 

“Oh wow! I bet that was a Pokemon!” Ash exclaimed eagerly.

 

“I don’t know...I didn’t see anything,” Misty answered skeptically.

 

“That’s because I have the instincts of a Pokemon master!” Ash said happily.

 

“You have the instincts of something…” Misty muttered though Ash didn’t hear her.

 

“Come on you guys! Let's go catch a Pokemon!” Ash said, practically dancing with excitement.

 

“You guys go on ahead, I’ll set up camp and get started on dinner!” Brock said encouragingly. He was older than his companions and the idea of chasing after a pokemon through the brush wasn’t appealing at the moment.

 

“Your loss! Come Pikachu! Let’s go!” Ash shouted as he and Pikachu took off into the undergrowth.

 

“Hey wait up!” Misty shouted indignantly as she took off after him.

 

“Those two,” Brock chuckled to himself as he stayed on the road until he reached the clearing they’d been walking too. It didn’t take him long to pitch the tent he and Ash stayed in and then Misty’s. Next up came starting the fire and with that, he was away on his meal. Brock certainly tried to be modest but he had to admit that he had outdone himself tonight. Rice Balls and tofu over an open fire. He was just thinking of sneaking one himself when he heard a rustling sound behind him. Spinning quickly he saw one of the low bushes ringing the clearing moving slightly.

 

“Wow, looks like they didn’t have to go after that Pokemon, after all, one came right to me!” Brock said happily.

 

While didn’t have Ash’s outward exuberance he was just as excited as he was at the prospect of seeing another Pokemon. Checking to make sure none of his pots would boil over he took off his apron and cleaned his hands quickly. He then began to approach the bushed slowly with his hands wide.

 

“Hey there little guy, it’s okay! I won’t hurt you. My name’s Brock and I want to be your friend,” he said in a soothing tone of voice.

 

As in response, there came a low gurgling purr from the bushes. Brock smiled to himself at this. He had never before heard that sound in his life. Had he just chanced to discover a brand new species of Pokemon? He was going to be famous! He wouldn’t just be Brock, world-famous Pokemon breeder. He would also be Brock, famous Pokemon discoverer!

 

“It’s okay! Come on out of there and we’ll get you something to eat” he said in a friendly tone. He was just edging toward the bush when something large and red exploded out of it.

 

-----

 

About twenty minutes later Misty stepped out of the treeline and found herself on a small rocky beach. Looking out over the lake she decided she was going to sit and rest for awhile. Somehow she and Ash had gotten separated in the woods. Well, it wasn’t much of a mystery actually. That dummy just hadn’t been paying attention as usual.

 

As she sat down on the beach she asked herself, not for the first time, why she was traveling with Ash. He was loud, impulsive, and often exhausting. And he still hadn’t paid her back for her bike! It didn’t actually make much sense on the surface but there was….something that kept her around.

 

She couldn’t quite explain it but she felt a kind of connection to Ash. She was NOT in love with him, he was gross like that. But...she sensed that Ash had a great heart. And his enthusiasm, though often tiring, was also kind of refreshing. And of course, there was still the matter of her bike. She really did want another one.

 

Deciding that she didn’t want to think about this now Misty withdrew her collapsible fishing rod from her backpack. Fishing was something that always took her mind off of things. And there was always a chance that she might catch some dinner for them, or even better a Pokemon. She took her time over her equipment before turning to face the lake and casting her line out from the shore. She was surprised when, almost the moment it landed, it was tugged under the water.

 

“Hey! I got a bite!” she said excitedly as she set the hook.

 

And what a bite it was! It felt like she’d caught a boulder, but no boulder would fight like what was on her line now. Carefully maneuvering the tip of her rod from side to side she reeled with all her might. It was hard work and her arms were tiring very fast but the line was coming in steadily, if slowly.

 

“Come...to...Misty!” she murmured as she focused with all her might on the spot where the line met the water. A point that was drawing steadily toward her.

 

When it reached a point only a few yards offshore there was a kind of clacking sound. At this point, a red fin shot out of the water. Misty’s eyes widened as she stared in shock at the fin. Then it hit her, this was no mere fish on her line, this was a Pokemon! That would show Ash for abandoning her! She’d catch a Pokemon and he’d come back empty-handed. As her line gave a sharp jerk and fin began to retreat further from the shore she smirked.

 

“You want to do this the hard way? Well alright then!” she said as she took a Pokeball from her belt and threw it toward the water while crying “Starmie, I choose you!”. With a flash of light and a loud popping sound, the purple Starfish shaped Pokemon with a red gem at its center appeared.

 

“Hi-yah!” he cried.

 

“Starmie! Dive into the water and hit that Pokemon with a tackle!” she shouted.

 

With another cry, Starmie began to rotate faster than her eye could follow before diving under the water. Misty waited for it to reappear in a shower of water droplets but nothing happened. A few more seconds passed but still no Starmie. Misty was puzzled, this had never happened before.

 

“Uh...Starmie? Can you...what the?” she cut off as something suddenly floated up the surface of the water. It took Misty a moment to realize what she was looking at. It was a large red gem, a horribly familiar gem. Misty was just letting out a loud piercing scream as she was suddenly yanked forward into the water by her fishing rod.

 

-----

 

Deeper in the woods Ash heard the scream. He’d been growing increasingly frustrated in his search for the mysterious Pokemon. For awhile he’d been following a string of shaking bushes but now it seemed like it had just vanished. And now the scream, a scream that made Ash’s stomach plummet. He knew that voice.

 

“Misty!” Ash shouted as he turned and began running toward the sound.

 

As he ran he heard Pikachu’s labored breathing coming from beside him. Despite his fear, he drew some small comfort from his friend’s presence. With his buddy by his side, he knew they’d be able to rescue Misty from whatever had made her scream. But they had to hurry.

 

“Come on Pikachu I think the noise came from the lake! Let’s hurry!” he shouted as he picked up his own pace.

 

“Pika! Pika!” Pikachu answered as he ran alongside Ash on all fours.

 

As Ash burst from the trees and out onto the beach he looked around frantically. No sign of Misty at first. Then he looked down and gasped. Misty’s fishing rod was floating a few feet off shore and next it was one of her shoes. Ash couldn’t speak for a moment, couldn’t make sense of what he was seeing. He would have stayed in stunned silence for who knows how long if he hadn’t heard a loud snorting sound from behind him. Spinning around he realized that Pikachu wasn’t beside him anymore. Looking around in a blind panic now he raked the trees for any sign of where his Pokemon had gone.

 

“Pikachu!” Ash shouted. There was no response. Trying not to break down entirely looked around once more before he made a decision. “I need to find Brock! I need his help!” he said loudly before starting to sprint back in the direction of where they had planned to camp.

 

It probably only took a few minutes to reach the campsite but it felt like hours to Ash. The whole time his mind was full of fears for Misty and Pikachu. But he was equally certain that Brock would know what to do, Brock always knew what to do. That made it even more urgent that Ash get there fast. When he finally did reach the clearing he burst into it so fast that he ended up stumbling and rolling onto his side.

 

Looking frantically around the clearing he saw their tents and a waiting meal. Strange, just a short time ago that meal had been the most important thing in Ash’s world. Now he was dismayed to see it, and no sign of Brock. He was just beginning to fear that Brock too had vanished when he saw his friend on the far side of the clearing. Brock appeared to be leaning forward into a bush.

 

“Brock! Brock come on! Misty and Pikachu are missing and we need to go find them!” Ash shouted as he hurried across the clearing. When Brock didn’t react at all to this he repeated himself though to no avail. “Brock?” Ash asked quizzically as he approached. Was he asleep? Why else would he just ignore Ash like this?

 

When he reached Brock he put a hand on his shoulder and shook him. That was when Brock slumped sideways before rolling slowly onto his back. Ash looked down and had to stifle a scream of his own before twisted to one side and vomited into the bush. In the center of Brock’s chest was a huge blood dripping wound. His eyes were glassy, his face stuck in a rictus of pain, he was obviously dead.

 

“Oh my Arceus!” Ash groaned as he jumped awkwardly back from Brock’s body. Before he could say more he heard another sound. That same low rustling as something moved through the underbrush. Terrified now Ash looked around him and shouted “who's out there?! What kind of Pokemon are you?!”

 

In response, he thought he heard a faint “Woop, Woop, Woop, Woop.”

 

“Please! I’m scared! And my friends are missing!” Ash shouted as he continued to look frantically from side to side. There was a loud noise as something burst from the bushes and a moment later Ash felt two sharp somethings rest against his neck. They were attached to an arm in a white sleeve that was in turn attached to a horrifying red creature. It had pincers for hands, a hard red shell, and tentacles where its mouth should be.

 

“I’m not a Pokemon, I’m Zoidberg...JOHN F****** ZOIDBERG!” it shouted at Ash before it’s claw closed with deadly force.

 

-----

 

A moment later Zoidberg watched the body fall to the ground.

 

“Always with the screaming,” he said to himself as he burped. The yellow rat wasn’t sitting well in his stomachs. Taking the collapsed box out of his pocket he reassembled it and set it on the ground. Without another word he hopped into it, vanishing from view. If anyone had been looking into the clearing he would have seen a red clawed hand reach out from inside the box and pull it into itself afterword as it vanished with a pop.

 

The whole multiverse thought they were too good for Zoidberg! They would all see that now they were stuck with Zoidberg! MURDERING Zoidberg!

 

Notes:

So this originally going to star Jar Jar Binks and Navi from Ocarina of time, but I think actually works better.

Anyway, this is dedicated to my fellow WWE writer BadGoose and theramenqueen, who gifted me her amazing TalonWatch series!

Who would you like to see Zoidberg murder next?