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Tsunade’s car drove up the road, slowing as she reached the driveway of her house. Orochimaru’s rented car of the month was already parked outside their home in his usual spot, and Jiraiya’s car was tucked inside the garage. As she approached, she noticed that the lights in the windows were already on, and the curtains drawn shut, her family safely tucked inside.
Tsunade steered past Orochimaru’s current car, up onto the driveway, and then parked in front of the entrance to the garage. After securing the car, she clamoured out, collecting her briefcase and shivering in the chilly autumn evening air.
A few stray autumn leaves blew into her blond hair, and she plucked them out as she walked up the pathway to the front door. A chilly wind blasted through her legs, and she thought to herself how she might have to trade her thin tights for a thicker pair, although the doctor’s surgery where she worked was definitely too warm for thick tights yet.
Tsunade slipped the key in the lock and let herself in. There were the usual happy shouts from the living room, as the children played with Jiraiya, and the murmur of the television buzzed in the background. By the sounds of things, Orochimaru was watching RuPaul’s Drag Race for what had to be the hundredth time.
Tsunade smiled as she removed her coat and hung it up on the rack beside Jiraiya’s parka jacket and Orochimaru’s long black tailored coat. Three brightly coloured raincoats hung up on lower pegs beneath their coats, along with hats and scarves clumsily placed on top, and muddy trainers squashed in a higgly-de-piggly line below.
Freed from the warmth of her coat, Tsunade shivered once again. She had expected the house to be a lot warmer than this.
She stepped into the living room. Thankfully, there had been no more incidents similar to the pool since the summer, and her living room was mostly acceptable…apart from the purple stain on the wall where Konan threw Ribena at Orochimaru because she didn’t want to go to bed. Orochimaru had ducked to protect his silk shirt, and the Ribena instead hit the wall and stained it. At least they could repaint it.
“Hey babe!” greeted Jiraiya. He lounged on the floor, helping Yahiko to complete a puzzle, whilst Nagato and Konan jumped up and down on the sofa. Orochimaru lounged on the sofa, burrowed under a blanket throw, staring intently at the television, ignoring them both.
“Babe, why is it so cold in here?” asked Tsunade, rubbing her hands over her arms.
“I’m not cold,” replied Jiraiya, with a nonchalant shrug. “The kids have been running me round the house all day.”
“I’m freezing! It’s colder in here than it is outside!” insisted Tsunade.
“I’m cold,” added Orochimaru, pulling down the blanket from his mouth.
Tsunade strode across the room, and pressed her hand against the radiator. “The heating isn’t even on!”
“You’re joking, I put it on an hour ago,” frowned Orochimaru.
Tsunade’s face fell. “Oh, not again…”
Five minutes later, Orochimaru held up a torch whilst both Tsunade and Jiraiya inspected the boiler, huddling in the cupboard under the stairs.
“It’s gone. Again,” groaned Tsunade, as she stared at the blank screen. “Why is broken this time?”
Jiraiya reached out, and touched a brown stain on the boiler. The stain felt tacky, and when he sniffed his finger, it was sickly sweet. A few metres away, an empty bottle of Pepsi lay.
“Looks like someone has tipped Pepsi over the boiler,” stated Jiraiya.
Orochimaru turned to face the three faces that had followed them to the boiler. “Did one of you three do this?”
“Hahaha!” shrieked Nagato.
“Don’t laugh,” scolded Orochimaru. “Why did you do that?”
“Don’t like it,” Nagato pointed to the Pepsi bottle.
Orochimaru frowned. “So…you didn’t like your Pepsi…so you tipped it over the boiler?”
“Oh, Nagato!” groaned Tsunade, slamming her palm over her forehead. She ran her hand through stray strands of golden blonde hair, and turned back to Jiraiya. “When do you think he did this?”
“I’ve kept my eye on him all day! All of them!” insisted Jiraiya.
“Well, clearly you didn’t if there’s Pepsi all over the boiler!” Tsunade pointed. “You need to get this sorted, Jiraiya.”
“Why have I got to get this sorted? I didn’t throw Pepsi over the boiler.”
“Because I’m freezing!” ordered Tsunade. “And Orochimaru’s cold too. And the kids will be cold. Fix it.”
“Why have I got to fix it?” demanded Jiraiya.
“Because you were meant to be watching them!” retorted Tsunade. “And I’ve got work tomorrow…I’m doing the weekend rotations at the practise.”
“There won’t be any plumbers out tomorrow,” added Orochimaru. “Since it’s the weekend.”
Tsunade groaned. “Surely one of them would do a callout…especially since its nearly winter and we’ve got three kids.”
“Nope,” said Orochimaru.
“Surely there must be someone. Tell them we can pay them extra,” instructed Tsunade.
“They won’t come out,” replied Orochimaru.
“But they’ve got to!”
“Orochimaru’s right, I’m afraid,” added Jiraiya. “I know my novels show differently, but plumbers take forever to turn up in real life.”
“Jiraiya!” scolded Tsunade. “Right. That’s it. You can fix the boiler yourself!”
Jiraiya’s face fell with horror. “But I don’t know how to fix a boiler!”
“Then learn!”
The next morning, when Jiraiya woke up, the space on the right side of bed was empty where Tsunade had already left for work. On the left side, Orochimaru was still asleep beside him, silky black hair fanned out across the pillow around him.
They all had their sleeping habits and had managed to find a sleeping pattern and bed position that suited them. Jiraiya slept in the middle, as he was usually the first to fall asleep and the last to get up in the morning, since he worked from home and looked after the kids.
Tsunade slept on the right beside him, since she sometimes worked late in the evenings but had to get up early to arrive for work on time. As well as this, if she’d been drinking, sometimes she had to get up in the night for a drink of water or a dash to the toilet. By sleeping on the right side closest to the bathroom, she was less likely to disturb Jiraiya if she woke up.
Orochimaru slept on the left, closest to the bedroom door, as Orochimaru was very much a night owl, and didn’t come to bed until very late. If he didn’t have work, then he tended to sleep in at the weekends. The only issue they had was at the weekends if Tsunade wasn’t working that day, and both she and Orochimaru wanted a lie-in. Jiraiya was happy enough to stay in bed cuddling both of them, but the kids definitely disagreed. They soon solved the problem of when the adults would wake up by parading in and jumping on the bed to wake everyone up, when they felt like it.
Jiraiya opened a sleepy eye to witness Konan pushing open the door. A crack of light from the hallway fell upon the chest of drawers where Tsunade had left her makeup bag. Jiraiya watched Konan reach for it, then clamour up on the bed, crawling over to Orochimaru.
Jiraiya lay very still, trying hard not to laugh.
Konan pulled open a red lipstick that Tsunade saved to wear for special occasions, then pressed the stick of red wax against Orochimaru’s lips.
Orochimaru shot upright.
“Get off me, you brat!” he snarled.
Konan shrieked with laughter.
Jiraiya sat up, howling with laughter.
“Aww, she just wanted to make her papa look beautiful!” he cooed, reaching for Konan. Konan snuggled against Jiraiya, her amber eyes sparkling as Orochimaru wiped his lips disgustedly.
“She should know you prime your lips and put lipliner on first before you put on red lipstick,” scolded Orochimaru. He pointed a finger at Konan. “You are no child of mine.”
“She’ll learn,” Jiraiya stroked Konan’s hair as she continued to giggle, and then scooped her up onto his shoulders, giving her a piggyback out the room. He shivered, realising that it was cold in the house. Orochimaru had burrowed back under the covers, after throwing Tsunade’s makeup bag back at the chest of drawers.
Downstairs, Nagato and Yahiko had already build a blanket fort between the sofa and the coffee table and switched on the television. Both of them ran around in slippers, pyjamas and dressing gowns. Jiraiya plonked Konan down in the middle of the blanket fort.
“There you go, kiddo. Who wants a hot chocolate?”
“Me!” shrieked three voices.
In the kitchen, Jiraiya boiled the kettle, then thoughtfully stirred three mugs of hot chocolate for the kids. A hot drink would keep them warm for now, but he really needed to fix the boiler before Tsunade came back, or at least find some way to keep them warm. If they ended up sick…Tsunade really would kill him.
The kids happily slurped hot chocolate and ate porridge while Jiraiya debated what to do. There was no way he’d be able to fix the boiler by himself, and Orochimaru probably wouldn’t help him anyway.
Jiraiya sighed, knowing he needed to think of a solution soon.
Tsunade reached for her briefcase after parking her car. This evening, she was even more tired than the day before, for the extra day spent working. She wandered up the pathway, let herself in, then waited for the rush of warmth.
There was none.
She sighed heavily, then marched to the living room to give Jiraiya a piece of her mind, then stopped.
“Hey babe,” greeted Jiraiya.
Tsunade’s mouth fell open. “What…what are you wearing?”
“Do you like it?” asked Jiraiya, gesturing to his body.
“What the…that’s terrifying!” gasped Tsunade, as she stared at him.
Jiraiya wore a giant green frog onesie, that covered his entire body, with a giant head piece attached. His face stuck out the hole of the frog’s mouth of the headpiece, with googly eyes staring from the top of the head piece at her. Tufts of Jiraiya’s shaggy white hair sprouted through gaps of material.
Beside him, the three children sat wearing matching frog onesies. They hopped around the room excitedly, the novelty of their new outfits still very fresh.
“Good, isn’t it?” said Jiraiya, patting the sleeve of his onesie proudly. “I’m never going to get cold wearing this! And neither will the kids!”
“What part of, “Jiraiya, fix the boiler,” didn’t you understand?” demanded Tsunade.
“Well, I understood it, but I’ve never fixed a boiler before,” admitted Jiraiya. “I’ve called a plumber – he’s coming Monday – but in the meantime, I had to keep the kids warm!”
“You look hideous,” scolded Tsunade. She shook her head, and then pressed her palm to her forehead despairingly.
“But its warm!” protested Jiraiya. “And anyway…you haven’t even seen yours yet!”
Tsunade’s face fell even further. “What?”
“Go upstairs!” instructed Jiraiya. “It’s on your bed!”
Tsunade ran upstairs, practically two at a time, until she reached the top of the stairs. She laid her briefcase down in her study, and then hurried into their bedroom, and then stopped.
Hanging up on the wardrobe door, in all its furry glory, was a giant slug onesie. Size L.
Tsunade grabbed it, and then marched back downstairs.
“Are you joking?” she demanded, holding it up by the hood. “You want me to wear this?”
“Yup!” grinned Jiraiya.
“One!” announced Tsunade, holding it as far away from her body as humanly possible. “Why am I a slug and you a frog?”
“Because I like frogs and you like slugs?”
“Two!” yelled Tsunade. “How is this going to keep me warm?”
“It’s got fleece lining on the inside!” beamed Jiraiya.
“Three!” shouted Tsunade. “It’s a one piece suit…how am I meant to fit my boobs in?”
“I bought you the next size up,” admitted Jiraiya. “I’ve thought of everything…it’s perfect!”
“I’m not wearing it,” insisted Tsunade. "I want the boiler fixed!"
“But babe! It’s cosy!”
“And what’s Orochimaru got?” asked Tsunade. “What have you bought him?”
On the sofa, there was a rustle, and then Orochimaru emerged from beneath a blanket throw to reveal his snake onesie. It wrapped around his slender lithe body snugly, with a hood that he tucked over his head with snake teeth looming menacingly over his forehead. His silky black hair had been pulled to one side so he could wear the hood up, and it fell over his shoulder.
“It is cosy,” he beamed.
Tsunade stared at him. “You’re mad. You’ve all gone mad.”
“Babe, just put it on. The boiler won’t be fixed until Monday, and I know you’re cold,” said Jiraiya.
Tsunade’s stare turned into a glare. “I’m not wearing it.”
“The kids want you to wear it,” stated Jiraiya, gesturing to them as they watched the debate with interest. “They picked it especially for you.”
“Please?” insisted Yahiko, toddling over. Unlike Jiraiya, he actually looked cute in his baby frog onesie, his little face peeking out the headpiece. He tugged at her work skirt with his tiny hands, and gazed up at Tsunade with wide brown eyes.
Tsunade sighed, and then hurried back upstairs to change. She returned, feeling like an idiot, dressed in the slug onesie, where the material hung off every inch of her body, apart from her boobs, where it stretched taunt even with the extra material from the larger size.
“Beautiful!” cried Jiraiya, clapping his hands when she returned, modelling the onesie in the doorway to the living room. “See? Don’t you feel nice and warm now?”
“I hate you,” said Tsunade, putting her hands on her hips and shaking her head. Her pigtails stuck out of the side of the hood, and wobbled precariously. “I hate you…because it actually works.”
“Told you so,” Orochimaru replied, snuggling under the blanket, with the hood of the onesie drawn over his head.
Jiraiya howled with laughter.
“The boiler better be fixed on Monday,” threatened Tsunade, pointing her finger threateningly at him again. “Then this is going in the bin!”
“I’m keeping mine,” announced Orochimaru, proudly stroking the soft fluffy fabric as he settled back onto the sofa. “Maybe I’ll buy some slippers to match…”