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An ordinary evening ended up in a bar, a bottle of beer in front of him and some good music in the background. Desperado raised the bottle and took a sip. The day was a mistake. They had lost and he had come Taka closer than he wanted. A shower overdued him by the thought and Despy took another sip to forget. One reason why he preferred to be alone this evening. The last thing he wanted was a matter of stupid saying, that had already been enough for him on Twitter, but there he blamed himself. Sometimes he made something faster than that he had thought about and sometimes he doesn't thought about it very well. But that's what he was like. He hit his decisions spontaneously, after the heart. Nevertheless he sometimes thought too much, thought too much about one person. Seeing Hiromu's face on the titron had made him sad. His injury have been a few weeks ago and Despy hasn't seen him since. At some point he had stopped counting how often he had stood before the hospital without getting in. How many messages he had written, drunk or sober, just to discard them again. Also now he had the phone in his hand, typed for 10 minutes, just a text consisting of 2 lines.
K: You're missing here. Get well soon.
As always he deleted the lines without texting Hiro. Put away his phone and ordered another drink. Hiro didn't know his number so Despy could just write to him without saying that was him. But he didn't. He couldn't. Kyosuke rubbed over the brige of his nose, closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It wasn't easy. Nothing, when it concerned Hiromu. Actually he had everything destroyed before it could start, back when they were in the dojo. His drink came and Despy drank one half immediately. He had made mistakes, many mistakes he regretted now. All in relation to Hiromu. But the biggest mistake he had done, was to pushed him away without telling him why. And now it was to late, Hiro didn't believe him anymore.
"When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry"
The new song who started caught his attention. The melancholic melody of the guitar along with the text pulled his heart even deeper into the abyss of mourning and self-reproaches. Even the radio made fun of his suffering. Wasn't that ironic? Snorting shaked Kyosuke his head and leaned back in his seat. While his hands pushed the glass back and forth observed his eyes the movement. His life wasn't like the song but it described very realistic his feelings. If Despy thoughts back at their time in the dojo and every time he was with Hiro, alone or in the group, he had never showed him what he felt for him. The only thing he had done was always showing Hiro again and again he didn't care. As often as Hiro looking for some distance between him and Kyosuke. Just because he didn't know how to deal with his feelings. The first weeks he hadn't even perceived him. However, the longer he was in the dojo with him, during training, during the meal, actually almost 24 hours 7 days a week Despy began to watch him with different eyes. In the beginning Hiro was just clumsy and a bit chubby and his wrestling skills wasn't very well, so Kyosuke didn't really pay attention to him. He prefer to focus on himself and his own dream. Somehow he had not expected that Hiro stayed long, that he had remained and fought further that had Despy impressed. His gaze were more often on him and sometimes he caught himself while he stared at Hiromu.
"you float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special"
When his feelings had exactly changed, Despy couldn't say it, only that it was there over night and changed everything. His concentration faded as soon as he was in Hiros nearby. If he had to train with him he took mistakes, hurt him without wanting to do it. Until the day Hiro hit him because of a wrong move for which he had blamed Despy. Ok it was Kyosukes fault but just because of Hiro. Moments ago the younger one had tryed to pin him in the middle of the ring. But the problem was Hiro sat on his hips, deeply over him so Kyo could feel his breath against his neck. This action drived him crazy and confused of his feelings he took the wrong step and Hiros foot hit his head unfavorably. From this moment he wanted to payback Hiro what he triggered in him. What he hadn't considered, he destroyed any hope of reciprocated affection.
"But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts"
Maybe he wouldn't be sitting here in the bar right now, but on Hiromu's side. He could hold his hand, instead of the cold empty glass. A deep but well-known pain pervaded his heart. It didn't get easier or less painful and you didn't get used to it either. There was no happy ever after or an happy end, only pain. Despy paid for his drinks and left the bar. For a moment he enjoyed the cool air on his face, took a deep breath and buried his hands in the pockets of his pants. There was no reason why he should wear his mask, he was traveling alone and nobody knew him. He also took the mask off when he was out with Zack and the others. The street lights were already on and led along his path in ever-recurring cones of light. Despy had to be on, thinking back to his last conversation with Hiro. The moment where he told him that he loved him. There were enough cameras and reporters, and yet it had felt like they were both. For the first time in years they had been so close to each other outside the ring. So close that he could feel Hiro's breath on his neck, like in the dojo. A sweet memory that he loves to keep on spinning. Despys way home led him over a bridge where he stopped on their highest place. Below him were railroad tracks, while in front of him repeatedly red signal lights lit up.
Kyosuke leaned on the railing with his forearms, looked out into the darkness. Maybe there was a spark of hope Hiro might have loved him too. But how likely was that just because he meant, they should made love again? It could mean a lot and if it was really what he longed for, the chance was low. Why he finally held his phone in his hand, Kyosuke wasn't sure. His fingers slid across the screen and a few seconds later he heard the dial tone. Once, twice, three times. Maybe it was better if he hung up, but before he could did it, the called took his call. "Who wants something?", sounded a sleepy but very familiar voice. For weeks he hadn't heard that sound and yet the only thing that came over him was a comforting warmth. Should he say something? No, fuck what was he doing there?! "Hello? Anyone there?" With each word Hiromu seemed more alert. "I can hear your breath. Are you kidding me?" Despy got no sound out, all he could was to listen Hiros voice. The younger man was waiting for an answer, that didn't exist. Despy didn't know what to say, as well as when he didn't know what to write. A train passed under him and the rattling of the wheels on the tracks sounded incredibly loud in the stillness of the night. "I don't know what that's supposed to be, but I hang up now. Last chance." The chance passed away and after a short click, Despy heard only the sound of the disconnect. The grip on his phone became tighter and his heart just heavier. A deep breath wasn't enough to calm his troubled inner. Fortunately for him, Hiro didn't know his number, which is why he didn't quite make a weirdo of himself. He just wanted to know that Hiro was fine, seeing him with his own eyes would be perfect, but to hear his voice was also good. The sudden vibration of his phone pulled him out of his thoughts. A new message.
Irritated, who wrote him now, Kyosuke stared at the screen of his phone. Hiromu. The younger wrote him a message. He was probably irritated by the strange call and wanted to know who bothered him at this time. Or boring, because he was awake now.
H: Now that you woke me, would an apology be appropriate, don't you think Mr. Unknown?
A small smile crossed his lips. Yes, Hiro was bored. Should he answer him know? After all, Hiro couldn't know he was it, unless he betrayed himself. In the end it wasn't the logic that win. Like always it was Despys heart and first and foremost, his feelings for the younger that win this little fight in his head.
K: You could go back to sleep
K: But tell me before where do you want to know that I'm a mister
That might not be the smartest idea, but this situation gave him a unique opportunity to talk to Hiro. To say what he should have done much earlier, it only depended on Hiromu's involvement. The night had cooled significantly compared to the warm summer day. Goose bumps had settled over Kyosukes arms, but he didn't freeze. Instead a pleasant warmth had spread, with which the few glasses of alcohol had nothing to do. It was only the thought of Hiromu to blame. The emerging hope to mend old mistakes.
H: I gotta feeling.
H: am I right?
He didn't know it, but he suspected it. This fact calmed Desperado a bit and if he wasn't too clumsy, Hiro would never find out the truth. Since the younger ended with a question, he probably expected an answer, which in turn meant that he wanted to have a conversation.
K: Did you.
K: Why did you write to me? It's a bit weird writing someone where you don't know who it is.
The answer came faster than he expected and made him laugh.
H: Isn't it weirder to call someone and then say nothing? I'm still waiting for my apoligy
"Touché", Kyosuke muttered softly and giggled. If someone heard him they wouldn't believe that it was El Desperado, member of Suzuki-Gun. At least anyone who didn't know him better and even there were exceptions. Kyosuke was careful who he revealed this side of himself. It made him vulnerable and when he learned one, you never showed when you were hurt. One of the reasons why he wore a mask, but there were thousand more.
K: Maybe... Don't you want to sleep? You can use the rest.
Clearly, Kyosuke was happy about Hiro wanted to talk with him, but he was still hurt and probably needed some sleep. And in this moment he was just a stranger. Despy pushed away from the railing and walked slowly on. The way home wasn't long, only a few streets after the bridge. He kept his phone in his hand all the time to see immediately what Hiro wrote him. But he didn't do that until Despy found the key to his apartment from his pocket and put it in the lock. The thought that Hiro might have fallen asleep again, disappeared as soon as he had taken off his shoes.
H: In the next few months I have enough time to recover, after all I can't do anything else. But with the thought I have to deal with the last weeks. There are more interesting things I want to talk about. I'm more interested in why you called me.
That sounded far from good. Despy wasn't surprised that Hiro said something like that. Just lying in bed and not being able to do anything, even he would get bored there someday. It had to be hell for Hiro. But what should he write to him now? Thoughtfully, he went into the small kitchen and took out a bottle of beer from the fridge. He stared uninterruptedly at his cell phone and frowned thoughtfully. Kyosuke dropped onto his couch. There had to be a plausible explanation. Something that didn't sound strange.
K: I wanted to hear your voice.
Wow that was cheesy and strange. How could he write such a garbage? The young man groaned in frustrated and covered his eyes with his left arm. How could this filth bring anything except that Hiromu made fun of him. At least that's what he would do if he got this crap to read. The sad thing was, it was the truth. He missed Hiromu, his voice, the way he smiled if he wins. The determination to continue fighting after a defeat. Not to give up, as at the beginning of their education. The small device vibrated and Despy didn't dare to see what Hiro had written to him. He sat up and took a long sip from his beer. Maybe that was all just a dream and he woke up soon, but he wouldn't have much luck. His hand reached for his phone and unlocked the screen, to read the message.
H: That's awkward, but I like it. You have to be a big fan, haven't you? Wait say nothing. You're my creepy stalker.
And already Hiromu had misunderstood his message. Desperado wasn't obsessed. There was no altar or anything else, and he didn't write strange love letters. No, he preferred to call him drunk and then said no word. So he was creepy but no stalker! Now he was only writing, because of his stupid "I call him" action and destroyed everything right away. Better if he didn't answer anymore. Hiro probably wouldn't even want to deal with him, would he know his other side. Despy isn't granted that his love will ever be returned. The phone found its way back to the table and Despy stared up at the ceiling. "I'm an idiot if I think I could ever make up for my mistakes. Even if I have the feeling, it could rips my heart out." There was nobody he talked to, but if he said it out loud maybe he could conclude with it. He was wrong. It just made it all more real and more painful. The phone vibrated again and his gaze briefly went to the device, but then he ignored it. It was better that way.
At some point Kyosuke had fallen asleep. The night on the couch retaliated hardly that he opened his eyes. His neck ached through the uncomfortable armrest, but if he had luck, it would be better after a trainings session. He groaned because of the braced muscles and sat up only to turning his head into the pain. His eyes stayed on his phone. The little light blinked continuously, indicating he had unread messages. At least one message. Only Kyosuke wasn't yet ready to read what Hiromu had written to him, if he had written. Instead, he got up, stretched and disappeared directly in the small bathroom. He wouldn't be able to ignore his phone forever. But what else should Hiro have written? Except that he should leave him alone. A look in the mirror and Despy sighed softly. Maybe he should just go to the lake today. So far, he has always been able to switch off well while fishing. There he was more often than usual anyway and drank less instead. Back in the living room, the idea of going fishing had become a project and before that he would have a look at what Hiro had written to him, then he would have done that too. There was more than one message and all of them were from the younger. Had he left out himself now?
H: I've seen through you, right?
H: Hello? Anybody there? It was just a joke…
It was a joke? Nothing more than a joke and he took it for truth. "I'm such an idiot.", his voice was only a sigh. How couldn't he understood that? He knew Hiro and his kind of jokes.
H: Maybe you fallen asleep, so sleep well Mr. Unknown
H: Don't forget the apology
Between the second and the third message lay almost 2 hours. Had Hiro been waiting for his answer all the time? By the time they started writing it was already 12 o'clock and his last message had come at 5. The bad conscience spread out. "What a dickhead. Why didn't you go to sleep? You need it. And I'm just a random stranger for you…", while he was talking to himself, Despy typed an answer and send it off immediately. He finally couldn't leave that unanswered.
K: Instead of waiting for my answer you would have slept better, idiot
Shaking his head, he shoved the phone into his trouser pocket and began preparing to go fishing. While he packed everything together, he wondered if he hadn't been too harsh. Did he take out too much for a stranger? Kyosuke wasn't sure. Now he couldn't change it anyway, no matter what he tried. Let's see how Hiro responded it and if he screwed it up confirmed only that he didn't deserve Hiro. He paused for a moment. How did he get the idea of getting a chance at all. Hiromu just wrote to him because he didn't know it was him. Doggedly, he pushed the bitter truth aside and went to get some comfortable clothes.
Some time later he had reached his destination. Quiet and almost untouched, the lake lay before him and Kyosuke closed his eyes for a second just to enjoy the absence of the noise. Being here calmed him down physically and mentally. It felt like he was in another world. It was just 9 a.m. and the sun was still quite deep. The sunbeams reflected on the surface of the water and dazzled him slightly while he was building up his gear. As always when he came in the morning, he wondered if Hiro liked this as much as he did. At least in his mind it was like this. The schwimmer landed with the hook in the water and Kyosuke sank into the camping chair. His phone had vibrated a few times but he hadn't looked up who had written to him until now. Most of them were social media alerts, but he didn't care about it. Much more important was the text message from Hiromu he had received 50 minutes ago.
H: No good morning? That must be true love, if you wake me like that, after such a looooong night. Hope you slept well
The "long" Hiro had clearly emphasized and Kyo wasn't sure if he meant it as a joke or if he was pissed. That was the problem with writing. Hiro would probably confuse him too, would they talk to each other, but he always heard Hiro's voice in his head as he imagined. In this case, it sounded more annoyed than joking as always when they talked. Despy took a deep breath. Tonight he had been wrong about what Hiro meant. Maybe he should just assume the best now?
K: Think your night was more comfortable than my. The couch has left its mark.
That wasn't a direct apology, but Kyo hoped the longer he delayed it, the longer he got Hiromus attention. But then the question remainded, when the game was too boring for him. Thoughtfully Despy bit his lip and scanned their conversation again. Should he apologize for that now? Still it was Hiros decision to stay awake. He hadn't forced him to do that. No, he wouldn't apologize. But…He come up a better idea. Despy got up and walked a few yards from his fishing spot. Just to take a nice picture of the morning lake. A little smile fell to his lips. Now he could show Hiro the lake without revealing himself. He sent it to the younger with a short line.
K: A small amends for the long night.
Despy went back to his fishing rod and sat down again. Shortly his attention was on his social media before he put the phone aside and focused his fishing rod. Time passed slowly but steadily, without something exciting happening. Not even a fish tugged at his rod, but he has patience. So he had enough time to pay attention to Hiro's new message. To his surprise, Hiro had also sent a picture. Curious, he leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees. The picture showed a bright white wall with only a TV in front of it.
H: My view is only half as nice. But thanks for the change. Are you often at the lake?
Kyosuke had made the younger smile. Certainly. Now the day had already improved. His smile widened a little. Hiromu had sent him a picture, he wasn't on it, but it was more than his fans got.
K: I've been here more often for a few weeks now. It's the only place where I can get rest my mind.
It was the first time he told anyone. Not because he was ashamed or something. Rather because nobody had ever really asked him. Who should ask him? Taichi? Zack? They were somehow friends and yet Desperado was reluctant to trust them completely. He simply wanted to trust Hiro. When he saw how everyone around Hiro tried and cared, how Hiro cared, he just wanted a piece of it. He rightly didn't deserve that chance, not when he thought about how he treated Hiro. His thoughts wandered back to the bitter reality that he could at most change if he traveled back in time with the knowledge he had now.
H: I know what you mean. For me it's the beach. And lying in bed with Daryl. He is simply the best listener with the best suggestions
H: What are you thinking about?
Of course, the younger had no idea of his thoughts or with whom he actually wrote.
K: Mostly I think about the mistakes I made. No matter how hard I try to fix it, I only do it worse.
The lines were written faster and dispatched than Despy could think about. He wanted to be honest and in the end he howled how bad he was. What should Hiro say? A few months ago, he wasn't even sure he was allowed to wrestle again. Kyosuke groaned in frustration and then left a message behind and threw the phone on his fishing bag.
K: I'm sorry for the crap I wrote there. You have other worries than the whine of a stranger. Just ignore it
If these second message had done better, be left open, where did he get the right to cry out to the younger one? Kyosuke didn't want pity. He only wanted a chance to fix his mistakes. To prove he wasn't only a bad guy. His eyes fixed the water, every little wave that came up because an insect touched the surface or because a fish snapped at the insect. But the waves only ever came through an action. Maybe he should just let those waves go their way and not try to stop them again. Whenever Hiromu was concerned he became so insecure. "If you knew what you caused in me every time?", his eyes slid to his phone. "No you have no idea", he answered himself and a dejected smile came at this thought. Kyo picked up the phone again.
H: I have nothing else today. Tell me
With this answer Hiro surprised him the second time this morning. Uncertainly Despy bit his lip again. Should he? And if yes, how without telling him who he was. There was the little voice in his mind that said: just do it, what should go wrong. And the other who told him exactly what could go wrong. He usually listened to the second voice, when it involved Hiro. So….
K: I don't know how to explain….
K: I hurt someone, I love very much. But that was a while ago. Now he rightfully hates me. There is no excuse for what I did. But all I want is to prove that I have changed.
K: Every day I think about what I can do to prove him that I regret it. But no matter how hard I try, he doesn't notice me anymore like a fly on the windshield….. that just makes me angry again and again, so I hurt him again, but I don't what that at all!
One message after the other went from his hand and the more he wrote, the more he increased himself. Far too late, he noticed the tears running down his cheek. "Fuck…" he quickly wiped it away. He took a deep breath and shook his head. They were tears of anger mixed with despair. Still, it was an admission of weakness. Tears showed weakness and damn he was anything but not weak! At least no one saw him like that, except for him there was no one in this place of the lake. Just him. And of course Hiro. His phone vibrated as the new message came in.
H: Why does you try it anyway? I mean, if you think he hates you, why don't you give up?
A good question were Kyosuke first had to think for himself. Why didn't he give up? The answer was simple. He loved Hiro. But that didn't explain why he had been trying to get his attention for years. It did not explain why he was always churning up this pain.
K: I want to see him happy because I treated him badly for years. But that doesn't mean that I can't be happy someday. Maybe even with him. And if not, I still tried everything.
Yes that was the truth. He would never give up, Hiro had been in his heart for too long. If Despy was honest with himself, no day passed where he didn't think about him. As well as if there was nothing else and nobody who was so stuck in his head like Hiro. Hours passed until Hiro was answer him. But Despy waited, staring at the screen, afraid if he said too much. His attention was distracted abruptly as his rod moved, symbolizing that he had a fish on his hook.
In the afternoon he was back home. The fish had escaped and after that he had no luck. He had been waiting for a reaction all the time, but nothing came. Had he expelled Hiro now? On the way home he had bought some food and had sat down in front of his TV. His phone was on the table in front of him and as soon as it vibrated Despy had it in his hand. Hiro had answered him.
H: Forgiveness isn't always easy. Especially not if you always get the feeling that you are not wanted.
The words made him stop. It was a bit too specific, too knowing. He hadn't mentioned anything he had done. So how was Hiro supposed to know it? Did he guess blue? No, that was by chance too much.
H: I think we should talk Despy
His eyes widened in shock. How could Hiro know who he was? The panic increased even more than his phone rang, Hiro's name lit up on the screen. His heart stopped for a moment. Inability to do anything other than staring at the phone, it suddenly stopped. Kyosuke hadn't noticed that he had held his breath until he sucked the substance deep into his lungs.
H: Come on. Pick up, you owe that to me.
His phone rang again. The lump in his throat grew bigger every second but he wasn't a coward! "Now don't screw it up again", he murmured softly to himself before he accepted the call. For a moment there was only silence. There was Hiro's breath clearly audible on the other side, while with him only the soft voices were heard from the TV. "Since when do you know it?", Kyo's voice was as harsh as ever, yet his insecurity was subliminal. There were other questions, but this was the first one that came to his lips. A soft laugh was the answer. "You sent me a picture and uploaded a similar one on Insta a few hours later." Despy froze to ice. He had uploaded a picture but he had gone to another place to take it and if he was honest he wouldn't have expected Hiro follow him on Insta or Twitter. "You follow me on Insta?" Now Hiro was silent for a moment. In this time, Despy turned off the TV and sat back. Waiting for an answer. "I never unfollowed you. I don't know why, but I ignored you. Your entries appear anyway in my timeline so I saw the picture." Somehow it still didn't explain why Hiro followed him, as he always shows in public that he hated him. But Kyosuke didn't want to drive the younger one into the corner. Not now. Only that he followed him aroused new hope. "But there is something more important than the question who follows who, don't you think?" Hiro continued and for a moment it sounded like he was turning around in his bed. "Yes", Despy chewed his lip, he didn't know what he should do or say. "I know that there is no excuse, but I regret what I did. I also know that you don't… love me .... but give me the chance to make amends. I really.." But Kyosuke didn't get any further because Hiro interrupted him. "Shut your mouth please. I already understood that. Besides that's just not that easy. You hurt me emotionally and physically. How many times have you kept saying I couldn't do it? The more often you hear that, the more you believe it." It was the first time they really talked about it and it hurt to hear what he really did to Hiro. Despys chest was torn with pain, but he kept his mouth shut and listened. "You always just showed me how little I mean to you. And then you come and talk about loving me. Sorry that I can't believe it immediately if you didn't care about me otherwise." Silent tears, which he usually kept back, ran over Kyos cheeks and dripped on his knees. Hiro was right. "I proved you that I can do it. I beat you." "I know", he raised his voice softly, trying to hide the tears running down. He didn't want that Hiro believed he wanted pity. Hiro didn't let him talk. "That was important to me otherwise I couldn't give you the chance now." Had he heard correctly? "What?", Despy had to asked again. It was unbelievable what Hiromu had said. "I give you one chance", repeated the younger. Kyosuke wasn't sure, but did he hear a smile in his voice? The pain don't wash away, but it's less. He wasn't allowed to miss this chance. It was a miracle that he got it after all. And all because of a call he doesn't know why he did it. "You will not regret it, I promise."