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"Some people call this wisdom!"
Chidi stared at Jason. Jason beamed back, like a goldendoodle that had proudly fetched a rock.
"You..." Chidi began, comprehending and yet also completely failing to comprehend what Jason had just told him. "You just told me that your friend 'Weed'..."
"Yeah, because he smokes a lot of weed. Great nickname, right?"
"Uh, sure. You just said that 'Weed' once told you that the secret to life was 'Hunky not math addict'."
Jason beamed even more broadly. "Exactly! Hunky not math addict! You know? Just be chill. Because you're hunky, and not some nerdy math addict. Weed said it means 'no worries'!"
Chidi's brain hurt. So did his stomach. "Are...are you trying to say 'hakuna matata'?"
Smile faltering only slightly, Jason asked "Why would I say that? That doesn't make sense."
"But 'hunky not math addict' does make sense?!"
"I don't know," Jason said, frowning with sudden confusion. Chidi felt like he'd kicked a puppy. "It made sense to me. You don't have to be mean about it just 'cause you don't understand."
"Sorry. You're right," Chidi replied, now feeling properly like shirt. He sighed. "I'm going to take a walk. You, uh, you want to come along?" he offered as he reminded himself that not inviting Jason, his apparent soulmate, would be rude, and therefore heinously unethical.
"No thanks. I'm gonna stay here and watch Bortles highlights," Jason answered, seemingly still hurt but trying to hide it.
Great. Chidi's stomach ached even more. Could a person get stomach ulcers in the Good Place? Worry about this kept Chidi occupied as he began his walk. And he knew that he was avoiding Jason, which was also unethical and more worry and his stomach hurt and Chidi wanted to cry.
Jason. That had been the big surprise. Two, actually.
"This is Jianyu," Michael had explained to Chidi, leading in a dazed, silent man. "He's your soulmate."
"Oh." Chidi had said. "Oh. But I'm not..."
"Yes, yes, of course. Soulmates can be platonic. Or romantic. Perhaps this is a chance to learn new things about yourself. But I'll leave that to you to figure out." Then, after a brief explanation about Jianyu's monastic vows, Michael had vanished.
A silent, Taiwanese monk. A surprise, but a good surprise. A wise man!
And then, a few weeks later, Jianyu had slipped up, and there was Jason.
Chidi was also surprised. Not a good surprise, this time.
He walked past Eleanor and Tahani's house. It sounded like they were arguing about cupcakes. Another pair of 'soulmates' seemingly struggling. Chidi sighed. He needed to apologize.
"Jason? I'm sorry," Chidi said, walking in the front door. "You're right, I was being mean."
Jason smiled, bright. "Thanks, man! Wanna watch Bortles with me?"
Chidi gritted his teeth, making himself smile. He could do it. Spend eternity with Jason. Even if the whole thing felt like torture.
"Aw, nuts!" said a voice that sounded like Michael's, out of nowhere. Then everything went white.