Work Text:
Somewhere in Disneyland
“Barton...”
Phil Coulson pinched the bridge of his nose.
”Will you kindly stop despoiling America’s national icon?”
Tony Stark huffed.
”That’s my job, birdbrain.”
Steve Rogers flushed from his seat in the corner.
”Uh...I’m over here, guys...”
Coulson lifted an eyebrow.
”I meant the mouse, Rogers.”
Natasha looked over Clint’s shoulder.
”Impressive.” she noted. “I didn’t know you could make Mickey and Minnie fit that way...”
As Tony sniggered, and Steve blushed a bright red, Coulson stalked over to Clint, and snatched the pencil out of his hand.
”I can’t take you anywhere.”
He turned and glared at the group.
”Any of you. I mean...”
He started with the obvious suspect.
”Stark. I appreciate that the Matterhorn Bobsleigh might not be...epic...enough for you. But you don’t need to hack into the coaster system to give it a boost. Especially not in mid-ride!”
“And Thor...”
The Asgardian looked abashed.
”We explained animatronics to you before we came. I know we did, Stark snarked about it over most of the midwest. So why you felt the need to leap off of the Pirates of the Caribbean boat to...”
”Defend the honour of the females being taken into captivity, Son of Coul.”
Thor hung his head.
”I had forgotten in the heat of the moment that they were simulacrums.”
”How?” asked Tony perplexedly. “They aren’t even Stark technology...if you look closely you can practically see the wires in them.”
”Well, to get out of here...” Phil waved his arms at the small white room that served as Disneyland’s holding cell number 5, “You might just be replacing them. Especially the redhead. You destroyed it, Thor!”
Clint let out a snicker, which only served to turn the wrath of his partner on him.
”And you two?” Coulson groaned.
Natasha shrugged.
”We got the highest combined score on that Space Ranger game....” she noted.
”Like, ever.” finished up Clint, reaching up for a high-five, then thinking better of it from the look in Coulson’s eyes.
”Yes, but you were supposed to do it, sitting inside the car, Barton. Not on the top, hanging off the sides, and riding on the front bumper! You knocked it off the tracks, you’re lucky they shut it down in time!”
Clint winced.
”That last was Nat...”
”Traitor...”
”And you...Cap...first, I was hoping you’d be reining in Stark...”
”So was I...” snarked Tony.
”And I understand that impolite tourists can be annoying...but...did you have to take him out in the middle of It’s a Small World?”
Steven stiffened his shoulders.
”He was making racist comments about the figurines, Sir. I gave him a warning...then took action.”
”Of course you did...”
Phil kept himself from pacing the room with great difficulty.
”At least Bruce is still out there...”
The door opened.
”Jinx.”
”Shut up, Barton...”
Two Disney security guards carried an unconscious Bruce Banner into the room.
Wearing only ragged shorts.
”Oh, God...” muttered Coulson, making the scientist comfortable on the floor.
”What happened?” sighed Steve.
”The dinosaur startled him...” was all the guard had to say, exiting the room, locking it securely behind him.
“I thought such creatures no longer existed on Earth, Son of Coul?” asked Thor.
”The railway?” asked Tony.
”The railway.” confirmed Phil, dejectedly.
They sat for a while in silence.
”Uh...Sir?” asked Clint. “Have you called this into HQ?”
Coulson nodded.
”Someone’s on their way.”
The Avengers looked at each other.
”Well, we appreciate you being here, Coulson,” said Steve, “but you don’t need to stay with us in here. You can go get a coffee or something.”
”Yeah...we’re not going anywhere.” confirmed Tony.
Coulson didn’t move. But his ears turned a suspicious shade of pink.
”Uh...Phil?” asked Clint.
Coulson carefully didn’t look at any of them.
The door opened again.
”It seems,” said Agent Melinda May, removing her glasses, “that Phillip here wanted a sneak preview of the Cantina. So he snuck into...”
”Star Wars Land?” chortled Tony.
“And they caught you?” crowed Clint.
The flush spread down Coulson’s neck.
”At least I didn’t do any damage.” he muttered embarrassedly.
May’s eyes lit on Clint’s doodles.
”I believe Walt Disney once had a cartoonist fired over a picture like that, Barton.”
Clint gave a halfhearted glare back.
”Yeah...well, I don’t work for Disney.”
May smirked, and Coulson’s heart sank.
”Funny you should mention that...”
The Avengers groaned.
Disneyland was shut down for 48 hours. Stark Industries quietly footed the (“Entire?” “Entire.”) bill for the repairs, and flew in their robotics staff to assist the Avengers with the rebuild.
“Fine,” snarked Tony. “But I’m upgrading all the tech. Not putting my name to some half-assed repair job.”
“And the redhead becomes a pirate.” added Natasha.
“Verily.” agreed Thor.
In addition, SI CEO, Pepper Potts, underwrote not only the refund of the gate passes for that day, but the entire hotels and flights of the tourists who had been there, as well as paying the regular Disney employees salaries.
“Oh, this is coming out of your salary, Stark.” Pepper seethed.
Finally, mused Coulson, standing in a deserted Tomorrowland, SHIELD had agreed to a “Summer of Heroes” promotion with Disney. He shuddered to think what that might entail.
He turned at some familiar footsteps. A costumed Darth Vader stood across from him, two lightsabers in hand. His stance, though, was one he had seen day in, day out for years.
“Barton...”
Clint was supposed to be running the last checks at the Emperor Zorg portion of the ride they wrecked.
”I’ve been waiting for you.” came Clint’s voice, amplified by the mask. “The circle is now complete.”
”Clint...” started Coulson.
”When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.”
Clint paused, waiting.
Coulson sighed, looking at his partner.
Then he surreptitiously looked around. The gaze he cast back at his lover was challenging.
”Only a master of...chaos... Clint.”
Never evil.
He could hear the happiness in the archer’s reply, as the lightsaber flew into his hands.
”Your powers are weak, old man.”
”I’ll show you weak...” Coulson muttered, activating the lightsaber and charging.
The blades met and the sounds of laughter rang throughout the happiest place on Earth.
As it should be.