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Most of the time, Lara Jean can’t believe that this is her life.
She mostly thinks about it when Peter is laying across her sofa watching a movie, his head resting in her lap while she massages his scalp. It had become their new routine at least once a week, where instead of going to a party that they were invited to they would stay home, finding some classic movie the other hadn’t seen and watch it together.
So far they had gotten through only a quarter of their list, new movies being added every day.
Sometimes Kitty joins them, laying on the edge of the sofa away from the couple, adding in her commentary throughout the movie. Most of the time Lara Jean thought she was too young to be watching the movies to begin with, but Peter would always stick up for Kitty and say that she could stay, and so Lara Jean took it as a losing battle every single time.
But it’s the first night in weeks that Kitty actually has plans, and with Dr. Covey working late it meant that Peter and Lara Jean were alone, a feeling Lara Jean had been waiting for since the last time they had been alone just after they officially got together.
Peter’s half asleep against Lara Jean’s lap halfway through the movie, although she thinks that has more to do with the fact that he had a lacrosse game earlier that afternoon and he’s been going nonstop for the last few days. Her fingers massaging his scalp probably isn’t helping much either. But she figures he probably needs the rest and she doesn’t want to force him to stay awake, so she pauses the movie and turns on Food Network instead, smiling at Peter’s half-assed attempts to prove that he was paying attention.
“It’s fine, you’re obviously tired,” She argues, running her fingers along his forehead. “We can just finish it another night. You can go to sleep if you want.”
“But I said we’d watch one of your movies tonight. I don’t want to break a promise, Covey,” He says, but his words are slurring together and it’s obvious he’s fighting off sleep, and Lara Jean doesn’t want to force him to stay awake for something that wasn’t his choice to watch anyway.
“I want you to appreciate the movie,” She smiles, moving back to running her fingers through his hair. “Besides, I sit through all the movies you want me to watch, you don’t get to fall asleep through the movies I choose.”
Peter smiles, parting his eyes just enough to look up at Lara Jean. “You win this round, babe,” He mumbles, puckering his lips as Lara Jean leans down to kiss him quickly, settling on a never-ending marathon on Food Network to pass the time together.
“My dad called the other day,” Peter says after a long stretch of silence, silence in which Lara Jean thought he might have fallen asleep during. She tries not to jump, but it doesn’t go unnoticed and Peter apologizes quietly, opening his eyes to look at her.
“Is that the first time you’ve talked to him since he left?” She asks, unsure of how to go about talking about this. It wasn’t the same as her situation, and the fear of saying something insensitive overwhelmed her more than anything else.
Peter’s dad wasn’t all that far away. He could show up today for all they knew.
“I didn’t actually answer his call,” Peter admits, sighing. “But I’ve talked to him since he’s left. He used to be like, really involved right after they separated. And then he met his new wife and he started coming around less. I stopped talking to him like a year ago when he promised Owen he’d be at his chorus concert and then never showed. Owen was crushed, and I decided I wasn’t going to talk to someone who could hurt my brother like that.”
Lara Jean nods, continuing to run her fingers through his hair as if that would make anything better. She wants to say that it was an amazing thing he did standing up for his little brother, but it hardly felt like the right place or time for that and so she just hums, hoping he takes it as a motion to continue talking.
“He left a voicemail saying how he’d be back in the area for a little while in a few weeks and he’d like it if we could meet up for lunch or something while he’s here. Just me, him and Owen,” Peter’s voice is still distant, like he’s somewhere between awake and asleep, but it’s nice. And so Lara Jean turns down the volume on the TV, finding herself more immersed in the conversation like anything else.
“Do you think you’re going to go? To lunch I mean.”
Peter sighs, rubbing his eyes and sitting up, turning so he can face Lara Jean. “I don’t know. I haven’t called him back,” He says quietly. “I don’t really want to go, but if Owen does I don’t want to send him alone.”
Lara Jean nods. “You’re a really good brother, you know?” She doesn’t mean to have it slip out, but it does and Peter’s smiling as he shakes his head.
“He was young when he left. He doesn’t… obviously he doesn’t know everything that happened. I don’t want my opinions of my dad to change Owen’s opinions. If he ever wants to have a relationship with our dad, I don’t want to stop him.”
Lara Jean smiles, crawling across the sofa to lean against Peter, kissing him softly. “You’re amazing, Kavinsky,” She mumbles against his lips, smiling as she kisses him again.
And Peter kisses back, pulling her to straddle his lap as he rests his hands against her hips. “You know, I’ve seen you with Kitty. You’re not so bad yourself, Covey.”
Lara Jean smiles, pressing her forehead against Peter’s as he kisses her again, leaving the show — and their conversation — long forgotten about.
—
Hours turn into days, days turn into weeks, and somewhere along the way Lara Jean and Peter hadn’t talked about his dad or if anything else had happened, which wasn’t the worst thing in the world. They went to school, Lara Jean would come to Peter’s lacrosse games and a few practices, and everything just felt perfect.
Lara Jean didn’t know it was possible to be this happy. She didn’t think she’d be able to fall in love with someone the way she had with Peter.
Things felt exactly the way she hoped it would.
Peter mentions something about studying at Starbucks that afternoon since practice is canceled and he wants a change of scenery compared to their houses, and Lara Jean really can’t say no to the puppy dog eyes he gives her.
So they find themselves sitting in an overcrowded Starbucks trying to focus on homework, which is going about as well as Lara Jean thought it would.
“Let’s just go back to my house. My mom will be home soon, but we’re supposed to be working on homework anyway,” Peter says, packing up his things before Lara Jean even gives him an answer. “Besides, I’m sure she won’t hover and I’ll be able to kiss you more there than you let me here,” He smirks, raising his eyebrows as he stands up, holding his free hand out for her to take as they walk back to his car.
They’ve been trying to make a playlist to listen to together, but it hasn’t really worked out and so instead they fight over the radio, Peter making her keep on some rap song so he can dramatically sing along to make her laugh.
“Well, we beat my mom and Owen home. Which means we have the house to ourselves,” Peter smirks, setting their bags down in the living room before they walk to the kitchen, Lara Jean hopping to sit on the counter in an effort to be more eye level with Peter.
Peter walks over, standing in between Lara Jean’s legs as he leans down to kiss her. Things had been perfect, like everything had been working out in their favor and Peter could almost forget about that cloud hovering over him with the reminder that he needed to decide if he really wanted to see his dad, or if he should just decline the offer and let Owen do what he wanted without him.
Their time alone doesn’t last long when the garage goes up, Lara Jean giggling when Peter groans, pulling away and holding out his hand so she can jump off the counter. “We should’ve just left Starbucks after we got our drinks.”
“‘m not gonna argue that, Peter. I knew we weren’t going to get anything done there,” Lara Jean smiles, reaching for her hot chocolate she left on the counter to take a sip. “We all know there was no way you were going to be able to focus in there to study.”
Peter pouts at her accusations, but before he has a chance to refute them his mom and Owen walk in, smiling when they notice the two of them in the kitchen.
“I was just going to order pizza for dinner. Lara Jean, you’re more than welcome to stay if you want,” She offers, and Lara Jean agrees, sending a quick text to her dad to let him know that it’s just he and Kitty for dinner.
Peter lets them talk for a few minutes about school and plans for the holidays before he drags Lara Jean towards the living room, mentioning something about watching a movie while they wait for dinner to arrive.
“You didn’t have to drag me out of the room. I was having a nice conversation with your mom,” Lara Jean teases, earning an eye roll from Peter.
“Yeah, which is why I had to drag you out of the room. She wouldn’t have stopped talking if I didn’t say we were going to watch a movie. She probably would’ve told you some embarrassing story from when I was little,” He retorts, falling onto the sofa and pulling her against his side. “We don’t actually have to watch a movie. I mean we could make out, but there’s no telling when one of them will walk in.”
“I really like you, but I’m not trying to get caught by your family making out,” Lara Jean teases, kissing him quickly anyway as he finds something on TV for them to watch.
She’s curled up against Peter’s chest when Owen appears in the doorway, making a face at the two of them before he sighs. “I’ve been thinking about what Mom said about going to lunch with Dad next week,” He begins, pulling the sleeves of his sweatshirt down over his hands. “I want to go.”
Peter shifts underneath Lara Jean, sitting up a little bit. “Okay, bud. We can go if you want. I’ll text him and let him know,” He says, watching Owen nod before he disappears down the hallway.
Lara Jean moves so she can see Peter’s face, biting her lip when she notices his whole mood has changed. “You don’t have to go with him, Peter. You know that,” She reminds him, but Peter just nods dismissively, scrolling through his phone before he begins to type.
“I feel like I have to. Owen shouldn’t have to go alone, especially if things were to go bad.” He finishes his text, letting his phone fall to the cushion beside him as he looks down at Lara Jean. “Besides, I can make it a few hours with my dad. I won’t enjoy it, but I can do it.”
Lara Jean laughs, leaning up to kiss him again before settling back against his chest, listening to his even breathing and the rhythmic beating of his heart while they wait for dinner to arrive.
—
Margot arrives home three days before Christmas armed with Scottish treats and a few Christmas gifts already wrapped and ready to set underneath the tree, the stories of her first semester adventures flying out of her mouth faster than any of them can keep up. Kitty asks a million questions and Lara Jean tries her best to soak in every moment of her big sister being home for the first time in months, but her eyes keep flicking to her phone, praying that she gets a text or a call or anything from Peter relatively soon.
“So, LJ, where is this boyfriend of yours? I’m very interested in meeting him properly,” Margot smiles, sitting down at the island to flip through the recipe book, deciding which cookies they should make.
“He’s out with his dad and brother right now. Maybe he’ll come over later and you can meet him,” She shrugs, but she’s really hoping Margot has plans to see friends or something because she doesn’t think today is going to be the day that Peter wants to meet Margot, let alone have any sort of conversation with her.
Margot just hums in response, reaching for one of the already made cookies before turning to Kitty. “Well, Kitty says he’s great. I’m sure I’ll love him,” She assures Lara Jean, but Lara Jean is staring at Kitty and Kitty only shrugs, a smug smile on her face when she knows that Lara Jean has just realized her sisters talk about her love life.
Margot does end up going out with her friends after dinner, making Lara Jean promise that she can meet Peter before Christmas, in which Lara Jean agrees because she feels like putting off them meeting is only going to make it worse for her.
Kitty declines the offer to help Lara Jean get a head start on baking some of the Christmas cookies, retreating upstairs to leave Lara Jean alone in the kitchen when her dad gets called into work. Which means she’s left alone to her thoughts for the most part, the constant worrying nagging her mind about how Peter was overtaking everything else in her brain.
He hadn’t texted, he hadn’t called, and at this rate Lara Jean was beginning to wonder if something more serious happened.
She turns on Christmas music to distract herself, pulling the ingredients from the cabinets and beginning to bake. She looks at her phone more than a few times, hoping that there would be a text or a phone call or anything to let her know that Peter is alive, but nothing ever comes and she almost gives up and just calls him herself when there’s a knock at the door.
“I should’ve called you or texted you to see if you were busy, but I needed to vent and I can’t vent to my mom with Owen in the house,” Peter says quickly when she opens the door, standing there looking helpless. She’s surprised to see him standing there but ushers him inside all the same, shutting the door behind her as he rids himself of his jacket and shoes, setting them by the front door before he leans down to kiss her.
“I was getting worried that something happened,” She replies quietly, leading him into the kitchen as she continues making cookies, watching him slide into a seat at the island.
“We went later than we planned. Of course,” Peter rolls his eyes, clearly annoyed by the whole situation.
“You can vent, you know.”
Peter sighs, tapping his fingers against the counter as Lara Jean goes back to mixing the batter, letting the Christmas music fill the silence as Peter gathers his thoughts.
“He showed up to the restaurant late,” He begins, continuing to stare at the counter. “I tried to be positive about it, but Owen was just sitting in the passenger seat and he looked kind of bummed out, but I told him that our dad had texted and said he hit some traffic.”
“You lied to Owen?” Lara Jean asks, watching as Peter looks up at her and shrugs.
“I told you I didn’t want him to feel the way I feel about our dad if he didn’t want to!”
Lara Jean nods, urging him to go on.
“Anyway, he showed up to the restaurant and acted like we see him every other week. Like he carried on a conversation, asked Owen about baseball and lacrosse and he asked me how junior year was going and it was — he acted like things were normal!”
He’s running his fingers through his hair roughly, a telltale sign that he’s stressed or worried. Lara Jean learned this about him years ago when they were in middle school, but when she brought it up a few weeks after they had begun fake dating he denied it immediately, making up some lame excuse that he always does that and she must just only notice it at certain times.
“I felt like I was in some alternate reality where we saw our dad as much as we saw our mom. Like it was a normal fucking divorce and he didn’t just up and leave and start a new family that he makes new memories with.”
Lara Jean stops what she’s doing, walking over and untangling Peter’s hand from his hair. “You’re going to rip your hair out if you keep pulling at it like this,” She murmurs, pulling herself closer to him as she holds both his hands in hers. “And I like your hair far too much for you to do that.”
It’s a lame attempt to get Peter to laugh, but he half smiles and so she takes it as a victory, pressing her lips to his forehead softly.
“I just,” Peter begins, sighing as he squeezes her hand in his. “I don’t understand how he can just come back into our lives after years of only sending half-assed cards or calling for our birthdays and act like everything is fine.”
His voice is quiet, and it’s a side of Peter Lara Jean hadn’t seen before. She had never been in a position like this, but she knows she needs to do something to make him feel better.
“You know it’s okay to be upset about how today went, right?” She asks, but it’s a question that comes with a fairly obvious answer as Peter nods. “It’s not your fault that things went the way that they did. You did a good thing going with Owen.”
Peter doesn’t look entirely convinced by what she has to say, chewing on the inside of lip when Lara Jean tilts his head up to look at her, kissing him softly.
"I just wish things went better. For Owen, at least.”
“Did Owen say how he thought things went?”
Peter sighs, turning back to rest his elbows against the counter. “He just said it was nice to see him again and he missed him, but I could sense the disappointment behind his voice. I don’t think he wants to resent him. He shouldn’t just because of me. But like… I don’t know,” Peter sighs, grabbing at his hair again.
"I just wish that things could be better between us. That we had a better relationship. Not just for me, but for Owen. I wish I could change that."
Lara Jean pulls his hand back into hers, kissing his knuckles softly. “Stop beating yourself up. It’s over, you probably don’t have to see him for a while now. None of this is your fault,” She promises, moving to take the cookies out of the oven when the timer goes off.
Peter tries to swipe on from the cooling rack but gets swatted at instead, Lara Jean reminding him that they need to cool before he can take one. He pouts for a moment, stealing one anyway and complaining when it’s hot and burns the roof of his mouth.
Things are starting to feel better. Peter is obviously still upset, still not feeling like himself, but he’s smiling more and he seems a little bit happier, and so Lara Jean feels more at ease about it all.
“You know, Margot is home for the holidays. She was saying how she wants to meet you properly. Guessing today isn’t a good day?” Lara Jean teases, turning back just as Peter rolls his eyes, reaching for another cookie.
“You’re impossible, Covey,” He smiles, grabbing her sides when she walks by him to kiss her. “I want to be in my best mood when I meet her. Need to show her how much I like her little sister.”
Lara Jean laughs, her head falling against his shoulder before she leans back and kisses him again, falling in love with the way this all just feels normal now.
Even when things aren’t okay, she knows they’re going to be. And right now, that’s all she cares about.