Archive of Our Own

The confluence of hexes, jinxes, counter-curses, and general mayhem was, in the end, too much to sort out. No one could reliably conclude who'd shot first, so to speak, and regardless, no one was hurt much--probably because somewhere tied up in it all was a Constringo charm that bound them all in a rather angry uncomfortable wand-hands-limited knot--so after a great deal of hemming and hawing, and the discovery that at least two Aurors-in-training had been directly involved, the Ministry sternly told all parties not to do it again, and let them all go back to their daily lives.

The only lasting casualty was one of three known Memorius plants in Europe. If there had been any way to show whose actions had caused it to split and wither, that, the Ministry would have punished. It was precious, rare to all but extinction, and protected, and the penalty for damaging such a plant was heavy. To Severus's annoyance, however--as the plant had been in his hands for transport to the new research facility in Cambridge--there was nothing to be done about its loss.

Damn it. It had been such a nice quiet morning, a rare thing indeed, and now there was chaos everywhere.

On the plus side, he apparently wasn't being held accountable for the loss; this was noteworthy not because he was, but because it was the first time in his lengthy experience that his status as a one-time Death Eater hadn't been brought up--and held against him--in any sort of legal proceeding. He supposed he would take it, on balance, especially since it probably had been his presence among several sets of wartime enemies that had set off the mess.

Still, the loss of the plant was a blow; he'd had great hopes for cultivating it to a point where they could harvest and use the potent leaves again. When the two officials finished taking his statement and indicated he could go, he shook his head and sighed with relief, and headed off to the Leaky Cauldron. He was suddenly parched.

--

"I don't care what you don't know; make it stop." Severus tried to hold still, but the pain was such that he was involuntarily rocking on the healer's examining table. It had been growing all weekend, starting with an annoying pressure that ached until it blossomed into a painful throb, and now it was shooting stabs radiating into his belly and thighs and up his back until cramps developed from trying to hold himself in a way that hurt less. Finally, defeated, he'd come to St. Mungo's; his own analgesic potions had barely muted the initial pressure and were totally ineffective against whatever it was that was happening now.

"Mister Snape. I cannot make it stop until I understand the cause. Please be still."

He scowled, trying again to stop squirming and failing entirely. "I find I cannot."

"Fine." Her mouth thinned to a sharp line and she Petrified him, barely catching him before his nose hit the edge. "If you won't control yourself, and I don't know why that would surprise me, given your history, then I shall."

Severus didn't bother trying to break the hex to respond. It would certainly be counterproductive in the long run. Although, in fact, not moving did feel worse, damn it. He closed his eyes tight--he could, at least, manage that--and thought about whether it would be possible to modify Sectumsempra to only inflict persistent annoying paper cuts over the course of several weeks.

The healer cursorily ran her wand down his spine again, then performed two diagnostic charms, then left for nearly fifteen minutes before returning to perform one more.

"Ah," she said at last. "Well. That's different."

Severus opened his eyes and waited for her to realize he was still Petrified.

She clucked and shook her head, and turned to go again.

"Nnghuh," he said.

"Ah. I suppose I should tell you. You've plants growing out of your kidneys. I expect it'll hurt. Sorry, it's unavoidable, really." And then she left the room.

Severus gaped after her, furious but uncertain how to proceed. The pain was, if anything, growing, and he probably didn't have the wherewithal just now to break the hex and remain conscious. He thought about it a moment, then tried anyway.

As he felt the hex loosening, bright spots began to flash in his vision, and when he moved in an attempt to reassert his sense of balance, the pain only intensified further.

As consciousness slipped away, he mostly hoped he didn't fall off the table.

--

"Snape? Can you hear me?"

Severus frowned and opened his eyes, a procedure which felt rather like it might be being performed against the influence of nearly-set concrete. "Hmm? …Longbottom?" Odd, he hadn't seen Neville Longbottom since… in years.

"Shh. They needed a herbologist, and I've a special interest in Memorius. Be still, though; I'm trying to work out where they're gaining nutrients from."

"Why aren't you just bloody well taking them out? Or getting someone competent to?"

Neville lifted a brow but to Severus's surprise didn't respond to the dig. "I'm hoping to, actually, but don't tell …Jean? Jane? The healer. She figures the plants are more important than, as she put it, 'your worthless hide,' but right now I'm assessing whether I can remove them and save them."

Severus blinked. "What?"

"Memorius. Rare. Protected. Highly useful, which I can vouch for myself. I can't just yank them out, and at the moment I'm working on--oi, hold still."

"You cannot be serious about growing a plant in my kidneys."

"No, but what's her name already reported her perspective on the issue to the Ministry, which means we have to work out how to--ah."

"What?"

"I've found the base of the root. Interesting."

"Interesting how? Also, at some point is someone going to do anything about sodding pain, here?"

Neville blinked. "She didn't? Fuck. I'm sorry. Just a minute." He turned away, and Severus realized that in fact, his hands were pressed rather firmly against his lower back, and that the release of pressure when he lifted a hand to reach for his wand was not a relief; the pressure itself was soothing, somehow.

"Longbottom. Don't--well, do. Put your hand back. You cannot possibly manage a passable pain-relief charm."

Neville shook his head. "Nah. I know. Not my area." He gripped his wand and used it merely to notify the healer to come, then set his hand back. "There?"

The relief was immediate, and Severus groaned before he had time to censor the sound. "Yes."

"Right. All right, so, hold on and we'll get a healer to do something about the pain, and then I can see what I can see."

They waited several minutes, but no one came. Neville sighed. "I was afraid they were being difficult on purpose. You'd think after six bloody years… Damn. Ready? I'm going to call for more specific help."

Severus braced himself and nodded, and Neville reached for his wand again, this time sending up a rather more than tolerable Patronus that hopped off. Once again, the return of the hand was a relief, and not five minutes later, a healer--a different one, this time--ran into the room and performed a pain-blocking charm.

Two minutes after that, Potter arrived and refused to leave, citing his belief that his presence would cause appropriate care to be taken, which clearly hadn't been happening until he'd intervened. It did no good to protest; it was clear he was quite right.

Severus rested flat on the table and tried to ignore the stomach-churningly odd series of sensations as Longbottom apparently prodded around in his back and arse sending tendrils of magic through the tissues to understand what the plant was doing. He wondered, as he lay there, what he had done to invite the tender attentions of both Longbottom, whom he had certainly terrorized, and Potter, whom he had infuriated on a near-daily basis for almost a decade. It was disconcerting that they were both being so …decent.

He must have asked the question aloud, because the hands on his skin tensed and stilled, and Potter glared at him. "Nothing, Snape. Glad to know you're aware you were an ass, but what I'm here for, and I'd wager Neville, too, is because, regardless of my feelings about you, it isn't appropriate for St. Mungo's to refuse to treat you like a human being. You were exonerated, and even if you weren't, it just wouldn't be right."

The fingers flexed slightly somewhere in the middle of all that, but then the whorls of energy went back to work. Severus experimentally raised his chest off the surface, pulling his elbows underneath him, and turned to Potter. "Gryffindors."

"Just as well for you, if you ask me."

"I didn't."

"No, but Neville called me, and here I am."

"Ogling my arse, no doubt."

He'd meant for that to offend, but Potter just smirked. "Not me," he said, leaning back and crossing one ankle over his other knee. "Nev's more the ogler. I mean, I could, if it'd make you feel better, but I got the sense some years ago you wanted me to never again look at any part of your anatomy between nipple and knee."

Severus gaped momentarily at a very pink Longbottom, then scowled and flopped back down, noting the pinching stitch between his hipbones as he did.

"Um, …Sir?"

That wasn't Potter. "What?"

"I can't take these out without killing them, and I'm pretty sure we’re going to have to go talk to the Wizengamot before we do that."

"Just take them out."

"I, um. See, there's an oath, kind of, and--"

He raised up again, ignoring the pinch and glad of the block that took care of at least most of the pain. "I do not bloody well care about any sodding oath. Get. The root. Out. Of my arse."

To Severus's consternation, Potter burst out laughing, followed by a rather red-faced Longbottom, who apparently got the joke faster than he did.

Bugger. Fortunately, he managed not to say that aloud.

Nothing he did say convinced them to go about the obvious solution without the court's permission, regardless of the insanity of the entire situation, and after several moments' fruitless effort, he gave up and set his head down on his forearms, exhausted. He had to admit, he was surprised, and possibly a little bit proud, that Longbottom was holding to his oaths, whatever they were, in the face of Severus's outrage. Perhaps the boy wasn't entirely hopeless, then.

--

"What?" Severus couldn't quite believe his ears. "That won't do. Remove them." He'd been here alone in the examination room for nearly three hours now, trying to get some rest after the sleepless painful nights of the weekend past, and now he'd awoken to this?

Longbottom paused. "Your kidneys? You rather need them."

"Yes, I know. Not my kidneys, you fool! The sodding plants."

Longbottom looked at him evenly. "I can't. No, I mean, literally can't. My oaths regarding caring for endangered plants are just as binding as any. Six months ago, I could have, before the ceremony of mastery. But, then they wouldn’t have called me; they'd have called a different herbologist. I can't take the plants out, because honestly, it would kill them, and they're rare, and I'm bound to take care of them unless I'm released from the obligation. You know that, I'm sure. Anyway. I imagine the nephrologist on staff here could, but he won't; that harpy got there first, and now the court's said the plants win over you, which releases him, but not me, from the obligations of his own oath. Harry's been asking about, and no one who can, will."

Severus stared. Longbottom hadn't stammered once in there. Finally, he shook his head and reached out to catch his wand, sailing toward him. "Fine. I shall do it myself."

Longbottom intercepted the wand and shook his head. "You'd tear your kidneys up. As I said, you rather need them. Can I explain what I intend, if you'll let me?"

"No. I shall find a solution myself. Certainly there are less-formally-approved options."

"You mean to go to Knockturn Alley and get someone to cut you open there and do it."

"Perhaps not Knockturn. Perhaps Periffer. But yes, on the whole, I intend to find a way."

"Right. I doubt you'll find anyone in Periffer, though. Ileague, perhaps, but--"

"Stop. I don't wish for your advice, nor do I need it. If you insist upon staying, still, make yourself useful and hand me my robe."

Longbottom sighed. "Right. Then I'll have to come with you."

"Why?"

"You're not going to like this."

"Longbottom."

"Because--" Longbottom stopped as Potter, too, returned. He shook his head.

"Now what?"

"Harry was trying to find a more rational judge. Split the difference--you know, remove one kidney for a plant to grow in, and then kill the other plant. That sort of compromise."

"I believe you said I need my kidneys."

"Well. You need one, and anyway--"

"And anyway," Potter interrupted, "No one seems to think you deserve a break."

"Fools."

"I agree." Potter said, quite to Severus's surprise. Again. Perhaps the boy had grown into some sort of tolerable personality while he hadn't been looking. He was still talking. "Exonerated doesn't mean what they seem to think it means. If I knew how to do it, I'd do it myself, but I imagine I'd make as much hash of you as not. I do know a good slicing spell, but it's not exactly precise."

Severus groaned. "I believe I know the one."

"Quite. Anyway, so we have a situation. Neville knows how but is bound against. I'm willing, but don't know how. You certainly can't do it for yourself, and if you employ …other means, well. It's going to cost."

Severus glared. "Now you plan to …shake me down to look the other way?'

"What?"

"I assume that was the intent of your statement. You won't tell Moody if I pay well enough?"

"Oh, what the hell, Snape. Have we met? Since when do I give a fuck about stupid rules? No, just stupid ones, thanks; I do see the value of rules that are rational, shocking though that must be. I meant, the bleeding judge issued one of those posters. Like the ones for Sirius, way back. Sure to drive up the price, if you ask me."

Longbottom shook his head. "Now can I tell you what I was thinking? Since it might, you know, be relevant?" He was still standing there holding Severus's wand in one hand, and his robe in the other.

Severus sighed. "Fine. As apparently I won't be able to solve this problem on my own."

"I was thinking, what if we took you out of here in my care--no, because they know I can't--and then I took care of you only until I was pretty sure I could remove at least one of them intact. The plants, not the kidneys. I mean, well, I'd leave them intact, too, but--"

"You wish me to come home with you so you may use my internal organs as your personal flowerbed?"

"Um. No, as I wouldn't be planting anything there."

Severus rolled his eyes. "I meant--"

Longbottom rolled his own right back. "Snape. I know what you meant. I was merely clarifying that my only goal would be keeping you out of here until such time as I could uphold my own oath while helping you deal with this. If I think I can get them out alive, that'll work."

"I could merely make you believe that, you know."

"I'll take that chance." Longbottom lifted his chin and handed Severus his wand.

Well. He motioned for both boys to turn away so he could get up, and swung his feet off the table.

And fell down as soon as he hit the ground.

"Sir!" That was both of them, one on each side.

"Bugger. Pain blocking charm must numb from the waist down."

"Guess so."

Longbottom looked across him at Potter, then nodded. "I'll go get you a chair, then. Harry, help him with his robe."

Severus groaned again. This was working out to be the most annoying week of his life, a distinction which should rightfully lie somewhere in one of the other fifteen or twenty seriously annoying periods he'd endured already. It was really quite unfair.

--

"I think you should be able to get about all right without having to go upstairs," Longbottom said. "I mean, you'll likely need help with the toilet, but--"

"But instead, you will allow me my wand so I can handle that by means of charms."

"Only if you promise--swear--not to try to dig a hole in your back." Potter had left them here together and gone off to see if Granger had any bright ideas. It had taken Severus a moment to get over this new source of irritation--getting help from know-it-all bloody Granger, for heaven's sake; as if things weren't already bad enough!--but he had to admit, she might have a thought. So might Lupin, he'd suggested as Potter left.

"I promise."

"You're going to have to make me believe you, you know."

"Accio wan--"

"Please. I'm not an idiot. It's secure. So. Make me believe you, or accept help, is all. Here we are. Gran used this room as a bedroom when it got difficult for her to use the stairs. Easy enough to convert it back again."

Severus looked around. The room in question was currently in use as a library, it appeared, with a great double glass door out into a greenhouse. "I expect I'd be quite in the way."

Longbottom shook his head. "Nah. Stuff for you to read, and you won't bother me, although, I can go the other way if you'd rather." He pointed through the doors and swung his hand to the right. "There's another door off the back of the kitchen. Vegetable garden's out there too, after all."

Finally, Severus nodded. "It will do. Now give me my wand."

"I think we discussed this already." Longbottom shook his head and transfigured the desk into a high wide bed, then set about maneuvering Severus onto it on his stomach. "Any particular topic you'd like to read about?"

"I hate you."

"Slow news day, then? All right. I'll just choose for you." He walked to the far side of the room and chose several texts from the shelves, bringing them back to pile on the corner of the bed. He Summoned a bell and set it there, too. "I'll come if I'm here; I should keep an eye on any changes. If I'm out or something, there is still one House-elf. He's really old, though. Don't be mean to him."

Severus watched him turn and go, and sighed. He considered rolling over onto his back, but after a moment it occurred to him that if in fact the sodding plants were trying to sprout upward, then doing so would probably complicate the matter as they'd have to make their way through his intestines as well. Right. On his belly, then. He sighed again and picked up the first book.

--

"Longbottom!" He'd been ringing the bell for nearly five seconds, and neither Longbottom nor the decrepit elf had appeared. He shook the thing harder and shouted again.

"What's wrong?" Longbottom was dripping wet and wrapped in a towel. "Sorry; I forgot; Grolly is in the habit of a siesta this time of day--I should have checked with you before my shower."

"It's moving."

"What?"

"The, the thing. It's moving. I can feel it."

Longbottom stepped toward him and unceremoniously pulled down the back waistband of his pants. "Oh! Wow!"

"Wow? Wow? Make. It. Stop."

Longbottom looked at him and shook his head. "You used to be a fairly sharp bloke, Snape, but if you've forgotten how this conversation goes again, I'm going to start doubting my recollection on the topic."

Severus snorted. "Fine. What is it doing?"

"Growing. Really fast. Was there a speeding charm somewhere in the whole mess of hexes?"

Severus closed his eyes and thought back. "Not that I recall. However, I may not have heard everything."

Longbottom nodded. "Well, it's trying to drill its way up through the, um, surface. No, that's good. That much sooner until it's transplantable. Though it looks like the root has gone deeper, so I'm not sure what to do about that. Maybe, here, budge over."

Severus scooted carefully; they'd worked out ways for him to move his legs stiffly, but he wasn't going anywhere quickly. Longbottom pulled up and sat on the edge of the bed beside him, wand sailing from elsewhere in the house into his hand, and set about examining again. "This might feel odd," he cautioned.

"What might--ugh." Severus stubbornly didn't shudder at the deep feeling of wrong centered to the left of his tailbone, but when the sensation intensified and moved down and left, just inside his hip socket, he couldn’t hold still. His fists clenched and flexed, and he found himself pulling his right knee up snug against Longbottom's thigh.

"Sorry. Okay, so here's the thing. I think I can keep moving the root system part at a time. It was branching out into Merlin only knows where. And then maybe once it gets a little hardier… I wonder whether it will need to be planted in, uh. Meat." He grimaced.

"Surely you can find a ham somewhere."

"Well. I'm hoping it doesn't have to be living flesh…"

Severus decided not to think about that, because if it did, he was stuck. "Are you going to move the other one?"

"Nope."

"Wait, what?" He'd been all prepared.

"Fine balance, I guess. I don't want to leave it long enough to become entrenched and unmoveable without pulling the whole system along, but if what I just did hurts this one…"

Severus scowled, an expression he kept hoping would move Longbottom but which so far had failed entirely. "Fine," he said at last. "Bring more books on roundworms and make the bloody things stop moving."

"Books, I can do," Longbottom said. He stood and gasped, startled, as his towel started to fall. "Sorry. Um. Roundworms. Right." He scuttled nervously across and selected three more books from the shelves. "I think this is all I have. And I can't make it stop moving."

"You could."

"Right. I'm not going to. Part of the growth process." He handed over the books. "Right, then. See you at suppertime."

--

"How's he doing, then?"

"I'm right here, Potter," Severus growled as the doors opened and the irritating boy came in. Longbottom was nowhere to be seen. "Have you found anyone to get this sodding thing out of me?"

"Charming as ever, I see. No, but Nev says he's got one halfway weaned and it's not dying."

"Yes, and I've also another spreading up into my back and throbbing. That one's not weaned at all, though apparently he's done something to keep it from spreading into the bladder system."

"Ew."

"Quite. I like everything which bears any relationship to my cock to remain entirely free of unnatural plant growth."

Potter grinned. "No moss growing there, then? I mean, you know, all those years in the dungeon, cold and clammy…"

Severus gaped and sent a wandless bolt of lightning in Potter's direction. The brat deflected it easily enough and laughed. "Relax, Snape. I'm twitting you. Besides. I saw you've no moss on your prick when I helped you into your robe at the hospital."

"I thought you weren't looking."

"I wasn't looking, though the part of you I said at the time I wasn't ogling was your arse, not your prick. Either way, no moss."

Longbottom came in carrying a tray; evidently Potter was here for tea. He looked from one of them to the other. "Is your, um… hurting? I'm pretty sure I'm keeping the roots out of the area…"

Severus pressed his lips together. "No. Nothing is hurting any more than usual. Your little friend is merely making fun at my expense."

"Aw, shut it, Snape. I am not. I'm merely making gentle light of your situation in an attempt to give you an amusing aspect to consider. Sort of. Also, as long as I have you at a disadvantage, well."

Longbottom grinned. "Ah, good. You need people to joke with a bit."

Severus pretended that statement had been directed at Potter and took the teacup and straw he was offered without comment.

--

"It's about to come through," Longbottom announced, as though this were something to which Severus ought to be looking forward.

"Lovely," he replied, shifting on his mattress. "I'm sure it will be a beautiful parasite."

"It's not a parasite."

"Parasite: organism which lives in or on another organism and benefits at the other’s expense. This plant is living in my body and benefits at my expense. Ergo, parasite."

"Right, but it isn't supposed to be."

"I certainly agree. I don't suppose you could be bothered to remove the damned thing now, could you?"

"You know, I'm surprised you're being tolerably polite about it."

"Bullying you didn't work. I realized that after the first day."

Longbottom chuckled. "True. Funny how having a bunch of people die will alter one's perspective as to which things are important."

"How much longer, then?"

"I think only a couple of hours."

"What?"

"Well. Once it comes through and we can see how it does with light, which it of course isn't getting inside your skin, then we'll know more, but I think if it does what I expect, I should be able to attempt a transplant in a couple of hours. Of the one, I mean. Then we'll have to see how it does and so on."

"Have you a mediwizard available? For me, I mean?"

"That's a bit of a problem."

"What?"

"St. Mungo's has told all their people not to help you remove them."

"…Were you going to share this with me at any particular point in time?"

"Actually, yes." Severus craned over his shoulder to see who had said that. Oh, hell. It was Granger.

"What are you doing here?"

"Telling you."

"Longbottom just did, unless there's something worse."

"Point of view, I suppose," she said, coming to where he could see her. "Here's what we were thinking. I remember that you taught Harry Legilimency."

"I attempted to teach Potter Legilimency."

She shrugged. "Right. So, I'm decent with medical charms. Neville knows how, in theory--as far as the plant's concerned, and I've been doing a great deal of research on the blood supply and chemical regulation of the kidney. When it became clear no mediwizard would work on you, we started thinking maybe we'd have to get creative. So, what we think is, if you can get from Neville how to do what he can't show me because it's way down inside of you, then you can show me, and I can do it."

Severus was tired of finding himself gaping. "You wish to cut me open while I tell you how as Longbottom shows me."

"Well. Not if it's too complicated for you to manage. I know you've been ill, of course."

Severus glared. "That won't work."

"What won't work? The plan?"

"No. Daring me by suggesting I am the weak link in it."

"I wasn't. I was saying I don't wish to do it if it's too complicated for you."

"And what do you think, Longbottom?"

"I think it's worth a shot. Nothing about my damned oath prevents me telling other people how to harvest a plant."

"Then why didn't we do this earlier?"

"Earlier, I didn't think the plant was viable on its own."

Severus rolled his eyes. "And if we cut my skin so it can get light sooner, will that speed the process?"

"Sure." Longbottom shook his head. "Not by much, though."

"Do it. I'm tired of lying on my stomach in your library."

Longbottom nodded, and Granger sliced carefully along the crest of his hipbone on his lower back. Instantly, he felt the uncomfortable squirm of the plant unfurling and pushing up.

"Wow."

"Are we going to have that conversation again?"

"It's bigger than I expected. I mean, it was hard to judge with the leaves furled. Yes, I think we can remove this. It seems quite strong."

"You've something to transplant it into, Neville?" Granger's hand was still on his back, and all at once she yelped. "Oh! I think it's …carnivorous."

"Brilliant," Severus muttered. Longbottom seemed unsurprised, however, and merely nodded and Summoned a tub of chopped meat, carefully girded in with a preservation charm. Severus had to admit, this might be a fair approach if they were worried the plant needed a living host--a preservation charm on dead tissue might work as a close second.

Granger was still next to him, and, he noticed now, she had his wand. She held it out. "For the Legilimency. Don't do anything for which I'll have to stun you; if I do it will quite disrupt the pain blocking charm."

Severus grimaced and nodded, taking the wand and pointing it at Longbottom. "Legilimens! Longbottom, think about the sodding plant." He ignored other images and focused on the plant and its root system, and a moment later nodded, and pointed his wand at Granger. "Now you. Legilimens!"

Two minutes later, she was carefully dividing plant and animal fibers in his back, leaving alone the nerves and veins, and separating out the strands of root Longbottom had been keeping out of any major arteries. "I think… that might be it," she said. "Now, we need a mediwizard."

"Wait, what? I thought you indicated that was quite off the table."

"It was, but we need one anyway. To check on you," she said. "Hang on." She sent a Patronus, just as Longbottom had that first day, and Severus wondered how much in touch these youngsters remained. Well, it was efficient. "Neville," she said, "You'll want to get that out of here." He nodded and levitated the tub ahead of him out and around toward the kitchen. "Now. Snape, the mediwizard will be told you apparently dug it out of yourself. We checked; you can't be held responsible for self-preserving actions in this case. So." She dropped a mass of unassuming vegetation on the floor and looked at him. "Scorch that."

He raised his eyebrows, but did, and a moment later, she Apparated away. It occurred to him, belatedly, that she had used his own wand for the surgery.

The mediwizards--two of them--that arrived with Potter thirty seconds later were disgruntled, but resigned, and after a bit of bickering pronounced the kidney sound and him 'fit enough.' He wasn't sure what that was supposed to mean, but as they left, one of them stopped. "Ah, and I imagine we can do this now." He stabbed his wand in Severus's direction and removed the pain block, and was gone before either Severus or Potter could react.

Potter spun toward him before the urge to scream became impossible to suppress, and groaned. "Fuckers. Stupefy!" Severus only had time to be grateful he was stunned before his face hit the mattress again.

--

When he woke next, all three of his recent supporters were sitting about his bed in padded chairs asleep. Apparently he had been unconscious for some time. He lifted up carefully, noting the absence of pain and also the absence of strange squirming tendrils in his body. He felt carefully with one hand. The shoots were gone, though there were healing wounds that might be some days old, and he felt rather desperately weak.

Well, fine. He wasn't sure he'd stay upright if he sat up, so he let his hand fall to the side again and opened his mouth. "Longbottom?" His voice was hoarse, little more than a whisper, and as he looked, he realized that both Longbottom and Potter had stubbled chins and greasy hair. Granger's hair was tousled half-loose from a rather untidy bun, and if his memory served, she was still in the same jumper and skirt she'd been in when she'd removed the first plant.

He tried again. "Longbottom?"

Potter stirred instead. "Hmm? Oh! Snape. You're awake."

"Indeed." He waited, but no more information was forthcoming. "Would you care to explain what transpired?" he finally asked.

"Sorry. Woolgathering, trying to get it all in order. I know how you do hate an incomplete answer."

"I should like one rather better than no answer at all."

"Right. Well, you remember they took off the pain thing?"

"Vividly."

"So I figured stunning you would at least give us a while to work out what to do about that, but I didn't take into account the stunning spell also stunned the plant still in you--not that I cared; one was saved by then anyway, which was more than should have had to happen. I'm on the Minister's calendar for next week to discuss the relative values of human and replaceable plant life. Anyway. So I got Neville back in here and we called Hermione back--"

"While Neville tried to work out if there was a way to get the plant out of you safely," Granger interrupted. "By the time I got back here, the plant was trying to die inside you, but slowing or stopping that would have involved waking you. So we removed the plant, but it was rather more complicated than the first--remember, Neville hadn't done as much groundwork."

"Hence the scars," Severus observed.

"Well, I wasn't about to bring those sadists back again," Potter said. "Christ. They're also on the agenda for my meeting with the Minister. Anyway. We did our best. That kidney might be shot, but they'd said the first was all right, so."

Severus considered this.

"The second plant didn't survive, by the way," Longbottom put in. "I know that's fine, just, I thought you might be wondering."

"Ah. Why am I weak?"

"We didn't have a blood-replenishing potion. Between the surgery itself and the fact the plants had evidently been sapping you of blood slowly anyway, we wished we did. Unfortunately, the person we might generally consider contacting if we didn't want to go to St. Mungo's was indisposed," Granger explained. "I don't suppose you have any made up at your home?"

"No. It takes three days to brew--"

"I know. Day to go, yet," she said. "Although, by then, it may be moot."

He nodded and closed his eyes. "Wake me when it's ready," he mumbled. It occurred to him he probably could choose to roll to a different position now, but that seemed far too much work, and instead, he went to sleep.

--

"Snape?"

Severus opened his eyes. The three chairs had been replaced away from him, and Potter and Granger were no longer present. Or at least, no longer in this room. "Hmm?"

"Feeling any stronger? Blood replenisher is ready." Longbottom held a goblet. "Hermione made it, not me," he added.

"I recall."

"Oh, good. You seemed rather distracted during our conversation. You should probably sit up." He set the goblet down on the little table and made to support Severus as he sat up.

"I can probably manage sitting up," he snapped, though he had cause to regret his behavior seconds later, twice. First, Longbottom stepped back, nervous, and Severus found he felt …bad, about repaying all of this with temper. And second, and more practically, he quickly learned that in fact he could not manage sitting up. His back hurt; his stomach muscles ached; and every joint was stiff and sore after many days of inactivity. He ground his teeth and tried again, then turned his head. "Perhaps I was hasty."

Longbottom stepped forward again and helped him sit up, then offered the goblet. "So, there's another problem," he said after Severus drank.

"Oh?"

"It's not just a carnivore. It's a vampire. More or less."

"And?"

"And it'll take my blood, but it wants yours."

"How unfortunate for it."

"Right, I know, but here's the thing. It's hardy in ways the species usually isn't. I'm pretty sure if I can get it to seed, the offspring won't be bloodthirsty, and also given the size and the way it's looking, it should produce a lot of seeds. I assume you had the original one because you were interested?"

"Of course. And now you believe I have an interest in the well-being of this one."

"Seems a pity to let it wither away after all this, don't you think?"

"I haven't blood to spare."

"Now, no. But in a week, perhaps. I can keep losing a bit a day until then. It won't take Harry's or Hermione's at all. Hermione says it's something called a blood type but I'm not sure I see the difference. Anyway, it's fair. I owe it; the one you had was the one that my potion came from."

"I didn't realize that was tracked."

"It's not, officially. I've just been keeping an eye. I have an idea about what it might do for a mind with curse-damage, you see."

Severus considered this; that was the direction in which his own research had been carrying him, though he hadn't much talked about it. "And what do I get for my pains, should I agree to let you act as leech?"

"Nothing, really. I mean, I'll help you until you're on your feet either way."

"I could merely go home now; that way you wouldn't be able to attempt guilt."

"I'm not. No, honestly. Oh. As long as you're sitting up, did you want to get a real bath or anything?"

Severus felt his head nodding at the concept before he took the time to consider whether this only indebted him further. As soon as it was mentioned, he imagined he could feel his skin crawling.

"Come on, then. We'll go slow." Longbottom ducked down to put an arm around him and help him up, and while the potion was working already, he was glad for it. Even though there was a full bath down here, he'd have struggled to get there alone.

He was startled, when he got to his feet, to realize Longbottom was taller than he by several inches. He'd realized he towered over Potter, but Potter was scrawny and always had been. "When did you…" he began.

"Late bloomer," Longbottom said with a shrug. "Also, yes, I know. How funny that is, given I'm a herbologist."

Severus snorted and took a careful step.

--

"Oi, anyone here?"

"In here, Harry," Longbottom called. "In the bath."

"I'm not interrupting, am I?"

Longbottom blushed, but said no and finished helping Severus sink into the bath. "What if I didn't want my bath interrupted?" Severus asked.

"That's not what he means," Longbottom muttered. He went to the door and leaned against the jamb to speak quietly to Potter, and Severus sat in his bubbly warm water and considered the blush. It wasn't the first time; Potter had said something weeks ago about his ogling, and twice in the last several days--well, the ones before Severus had been unconscious--he'd become flustered while helping Severus with sponge baths. And then there was one image that had been in his mind during the Legilimency. Huh.

Severus blinked at the obvious conclusion. The obvious impossible conclusion. Longbottom was …interested? He snorted at himself. Clearly being ill had had mental effects no one had realized. Still… he looked across at Longbottom's back. He was still squarely built, but he'd outgrown the round chubbiness he'd carried all through school, at least until Severus had been forced away, and the shape he'd ended up with was appealing, now that he looked. And he had taken good care of him, and not blown up anything.

Longbottom--no, Neville--laughed at something Potter said, and Severus found himself enjoying the sound.

Deranged. Yes.

He washed his arms and chest with fragrant soap and ignored Longbottom entirely.

Almost.

--

"Earlier, when Potter was here," Severus began casually, "what, exactly, did he mean about interrupting?"

"Nothing."

"Shall I ask him, then? The next time I see him?"

"No!"

"I see."

"Look, don't …it's fine. It's not like I have any intention of, I don't know, doing anything."

"About what?" Severus blew on his tea, leaning carefully against the high upholstered wing of the chair. He still wasn't especially steady upright, but he was clean, and that was something indeed.

"Nothing."

"I believe we already had this part of the conversation."

Neville closed his eyes and sighed. "It's nothing. Harry knows I have a bit of a …fixation, is all. You needn't worry over it."

"A fixation. On men with plants growing in their kidneys, then?"

"Not exactly."

Severus hid a chuckle in his cup; the boy wouldn't know what hit him. "What, exactly, then?"

"Just you. You want me to get Harry to come take care of you instead?"

"Why?"

"Um, because…"

"You think I would rather turn myself over to the tender mercies of Potter."

"Well. I mean, if it bothers you."

Severus shook his head and sighed. Serious about his oaths, a bloody Gryffindor, and ridiculously earnest, to boot. "It doesn't," he said shortly.

"Oh. All right. Honestly?"

"Honestly."

They sat in awkward silence for several seconds.

"Snape?"

Severus considered for just one more moment, then set down his cup. "I suppose if you've dug a plant out of me, it is conceivable we should consider addressing one another by given name. Neville." It was worth exploration. As long as Neville never tried to brew anything.

"Um. Right. Severus?"

"Yes, Neville?"

There was another pause, and an odd expression on Neville's face. "Are you feeling all right now?"

"As well as can be expected."

"Everything's feeling all right?"

"I believe I just said so, yes. Why?"

Neville lifted a brow and set down his own cup and folded his arms over his chest. " Then, no more …shooting pains?"

Severus groaned. "You've been waiting to ask that."

"Since the first two minutes, yes. Having a memory that doesn't lose everything comes in handy, now and again."

"I see," Severus said, shaking his head. Perhaps this was going to be more interesting than he thought.

Well, he always liked a game to be interesting.