Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[Esidisi] changed their name to [Wake Me Up]

[Wamuu] changed their name to [Before you go go]

[Santana] changed their name to [WAKE ME UP INSIDE]

Kars: Really?

Kars: Did you plan that?

Wake Me Up: it was a social experiment

Wake Me Up: i successfully determined which of our children has good taste in music

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: and of course it's me

Wake Me Up: correct

Wake Me Up: Santana is our new favorite child, Kars

Before you go go: but Wham was the best band of the 20th century

Kars: I still like Wamuu better.

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: wow excuse me what

Kars: He made better grades in school and always washed the dishes when he was told to.

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: yeah well fuck you

Kars: He also doesn't swear at me. Go to your room.

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: I don't even live with you

Kars: So?

Kars: Go to your room, Santana.

Wake Me Up: Yknow you didn’t have to take it there, I was joking when I said Santana was my favorite

Wake Me Up: I love both my sons equally

Wake Me Up: even if one of them likes 80s pop

Before you go go: with all due respect, what's wrong with 80s pop?

Wake Me Up: for starters 80s rock is way better

Before you go go: but consider

Before you go go: the music was actually very good and George Michael was a beautiful, beautiful man

Wake Me Up: wow that’s pretty gay

Kars: … Esi?

Wake Me Up: babe?

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: you’re also gay, dad

Wake Me Up: slander

Kars: We are MARRIED

Kars: We have two children

Kars: Children who we are literally talking to right now

Wake Me Up: lol yeah true that’s pretty gay

Kars: How… How have I put up with you for so many years

Wake Me Up: because you love me?

Kars: Hmph. I suppose you’re right.

Wake Me Up: i love you too

[Before you go go] changed their name to [Wamuu]

Wamuu: the joke was getting old

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: weak.

[Wake Me Up] changed their name to [Esidisi]

Esidisi: he’s right

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: well i’m keeping my name as this

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: i think it truly reflects who i am inside

Wamuu: an edgy, angsty teenager?

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: i’m 21 but yes

Esidisi: that doesn’t matter, angsty teenager is a state of mind

Kars: And it’s a state of mind Santana will probably never grow out of.

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: now that’s not entirely true

Wamuu: you’re the same one who says “God, I wish I were asleep right now because sleep is as close as I can get to death” on a regular basis

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: but i’m not wrong

Wamuu: And do you still angst about that Joseph boy you loved so much?

WAKE ME UP INSIDE: do you?

Wamuu: … That’s none of your business

Chapter Text

[Magneto] added [The Entire Horse], [Ice Ice Baby], and 7 others to [Dio's Minions]

The Rose: Mariah is this necessary

Ice Ice Baby: Why is Dio not even in this chat?

Dan of Steel: does he need to be??

Ice Ice Baby: I'd like him to be. Especially considering that he is in the name.

Magneto: We may be defined by Dio but he doesn't need to be part of everything we do

Magneto: I don't think he'd want to be here anyways

The Entire Horse: let's see

[The Entire Horse] added [DIO] to [Dio's Minions]

[DIO] has left [Dio's Minions]

The Entire Horse: looks like you was right Mariah

Magneto: I'm always right

Oingo: is Boingo also not invited?

Magneto: eh yeah I mean he's a little kid and given the kind of people we are he probably doesn't need to be here

[N'Doul] changed the chat name from [Dio's Minions] to [Dio's Harem]

N'Doul: more accurate name

p-p-poker face: don't know about that, we haven't ALL slept with Dio

Magneto: we haven't??

The Rose: okay role call who here has slept with Dio? I have

Magneto: Me!

N'Doul: I definitely have

Ice Ice Baby: Many, many times.

Gamr boy: i have

Oingo: … once or twice…

Dan of Steel: yeah same

The Rose: Ok and who has not?

p-p-poker face: I haven't

The Rose: … anyone else?

Magneto: wow Daniel you… really don't know what you're missing out on

p-p-poker face: is he that good

N'Doul: oh god yes

Dan of Steel: hey i just noticed

Dan of Steel: hol horse and enrico didnt say anything

Magneto: shit you're right!

Magneto: @The Entire Horse @Humanized Catholic Guilt the fuck is up guys

Humanized Catholic Guilt: What exactly are you asking?

The Rose: have you ever fucked Dio??

Humanized Catholic Guilt: …

The Entire Horse: uh well

The Entire Horse: listen I ain't gay or anything yknow?

Dan of Steel: ive seen enough porn to know where this story is going

The Entire Horse: but Dio… offered… and I figured well how can I be sure I'm not into men if I've never tried it?

Gamr boy: oh my God

The Entire Horse: so I guess the answer to y'all's question is yes

N'Doul: well? Did you enjoy it?

The Entire Horse: ….

Dan of Steel: that's the only answer I need

Dan of Steel: Enrico how about you? You ever fucked Dio?

Humanized Catholic Guilt: Under Roman Catholic law priests are not allowed to engage in sexual relations

Gamr boy: yeah but we didn't ask about roman catholic law we asked if you fucked Dio

Magneto: dw we won't tell

p-p-poker face: I wouldn't even know who to tell…

The Rose: yeah would it be the pope or something?

Humanized Catholic Guilt: We… May have done some things, in the past… but we never went, uh, “all the way”

Dan of Steel: ooOH

Dan of Steel: Perfect! Now I have blackmail material on everyone in here

[p-p-poker face] changed the chat name from [Dio's Harem] to [Dio's Friends]

p-p-poker face: since we established that we haven't all slept with dio

[Magneto] changed the chat name from [Dio's Friends] to [Dio's Harem and daniels here too i guess]

Magneto: compromise

p-p-poker face: i don't like it

Gamr boy: i think it's perfect

Chapter Text

[Weatherman Wes] added [Narc Anastasia] to [juvenile delinquent zone]

Narc Anastasia: what's this?

utility lesbian: our groupchat

Narc Anastasia: we have a groupchat??

Sheldon J Plankton: yeah we have for a while actually!

Narc Anastasia: wh.. then… why wasn't I invited til now…?

utility lesbian: because i didn't like you when we first met

Narc Anastasia: oh…

utility lesbian: wes kinda convinced me to give you a chance though so

utility lesbian: you can thank your boyfriend for bringing you to hell, anasui

Badbitch42069: no offense to anasui but tbh this is why I was in favor of just not telling him about the chat

Badbitch42069: now his feelings are hurt

Narc Anastasia: pfft no my feelings aren't hurt

Narc Anastasia: I mean all that happened is that all my friends including my boyfriend of like 6 months had a secret groupchat that I wasn't allowed in because Jolyne didn’t like me

Narc Anastasia: why would that hurt my feelings?

Badbitch42069: well now Jolyne wasn't the only reason

Badbitch42069: I also don't like you

Narc Anastasia: OK does anyone here actually like me as a person??

Weatherman Wes: I like you, Narciso

Narc Anastasia: thank you, Wes

Sheldon J Plankton: I don't really have strong feelings towards you, one way or the other but I think youre okay

Sheldon J Plankton: when I eventually lead the fish uprising you'll be spared

Narc Anastasia: good… to know?

Badbitch42069: its an inside joke

Narc Anastasia: oh

Narc Anastasia: I love inside jokes… I’d love to be part of one someday

Sheldon J Plankton: we should start a podcast

Badbitch42069: like, all of us?

Sheldon J Plankton: yeah!

Weatherman Wes: including Narciso?

Sheldon J Plankton: sure I guess!

utility lesbian: about what?

Sheldon J Plankton: uhh I dunno

Sheldon J Plankton: what do we like? What are we good at?

utility lesbian: petty crime?

Badbitch42069: can we make a podcast about that?

Narc Anastasia: “hi welcome to our podcast my name is Narciso Anasui and I just bought liquor for my underaged friends”

Badbitch42069: I'm Hermes Costello and I stole a dress from Target for my girlfriend's birthday present

utility lesbian: aww babe did you really do that for me??

Badbitch42069: it was supposed to be a surprise buuut yeah, I totally did <3

Weatherman Wes: my name is wes bluemarine my friends call me weather report and I uh… haven't committed any crimes super recently actually

utility lesbian: wrong because your hat is a crime against fashion

utility lesbian: im Jolyne Joestar and im one of the underaged friends anasui bought the alcohol for

Sheldon J Plankton: and I'm Foo Fighters! I punched a guy in the face yesterday

utility lesbian: and we're best buds who all met in jail after a party went very very bad

Badbitch42069: I actually love this

Weatherman Wes: let's not use our real names though I think we could get arrested for this

Sheldon J Plankton: the real theme behind the crime is friendship bc we all love each other so much

utility lesbian: id sell you all to satan for a bag of cheetos

Badbitch42069: WOW and after I stole a dress for you, too

Chapter Text

[Lucy] added [Go Diego Go], [Health Points] and 2 others to [Steel Ball FUCK]

Lucy: hey guys!!

Go Diego Go: the fuck is this

Health Points: It's a group chat, Diego.

Go Diego Go: I can see t h a t

Lucy: I just felt like we needed one tbh I mean I never get to see you guys anymore

Lucy: especially since Johnny and Nick moved in with Johnny’s rich doctor fiance

Lucy: leaving their little stepsister all alone

hors: i wish we couldve taken you with us tbh

hors: dad isn't giving you shit is he??

Lucy: nah he knows you'd probably kill him if he did

Lucy: or maybe he's becoming a better person

hors: likely story

Lucy: lol right

Balls Of Steel: look on the bright side, Lucy

Balls Of Steel: the fact that you don't live with us means you don't have to interact with our weird neighbor

Balls Of Steel: who also happens to be the mayor

hors: oh yea, valentine??

hors: yeah hes… something alright

Go Diego Go: hard to believe he's an elected official

Health Points: One time he stopped me while I was getting my mail to tell me about how Jesus had blessed him to be a leader… at least I, I think that's what he was talking about.

Health Points: There was something about Jesus in there but it was mostly about napkins?

Balls Of Steel: when he does that all you can really do is just

Balls Of Steel: politely nod and slowly back away

hors: i don't want to talk too much shit on him though cause i mean hes a vietnam vet right??

hors: just seems mean

Go Diego Go: maybe his brain got fucked up in the war

Health Points: What, like he got shot in the head and it only destroyed the part of his brain that's responsible for giving coherent speeches?

Go Diego Go: yeah that's pretty much what I was thinking

Lucy: he sounds like he must be fun at parties.

hors: yknow i bet he is tbh

hors: gyro let's invite valentine to our next party

Balls Of Steel: that sounds like a terrible idea let's do it

Health Points: But most of your “parties” are just the four of us and Nicholas watching Friends.

hors: yeah we'll watch friends with the weird mayor

Balls Of Steel: hey hot pants?

Health Points: ?

Balls Of Steel: so. i didnt know nuns could use cell phones?

Health Points: I'm not a nun anymore.

hors: youre not??

Health Points: No. I'm literally dating Diego. How would I still be a nun. I quit years ago.

hors: damn i didnt know you could just

hors: quit being a nun

Health Points: Well they can't just hold someone prisoner in the convent.

Health Points: Maybe in the 1800s, but not now.

Balls Of Steel: so nuns can't date?

Health Points: You guys don't know much about Catholicism do you?

hors: i'm baptist

Balls of Steel: I was raised Catholic but I didn't pay attention during mass

Health Points: No, nuns can't date. Nuns are married to God.

hors: all of them?

Health Points: Well, not in a literal sense, there's no ceremony or anything but in a way, yes.

hors: so what you're telling me is that God is a polygamist

Health Points: that is not what that means

hors: well you just said nuns are married to god

hors: that means He must have thousands of wives

Health Points: And this is why I don't talk about religion with you guys

Health Points: This is why you still thought I was a nun

Health Points: To answer the first question, though, no, nuns aren't usually supposed to use the internet or cell phones. There might be small exceptions, but they're supposed to live a simple life of prayer and helping those in need.

Balls of Steel: sounds boring

hors: jeez that must suck

hors: i feel like I'm gonna die from boredom just imagining that

Lucy: pls don't die

hors: don't worry lucy, I wont

hors: i mean if i died who would take care of gyro and nick?

Balls Of Steel: while I emphatically agree that you should not die

Balls Of Steel: I think we could take care of ourselves if we had to

Balls Of Steel: like, I'm a surgeon. People's lives are in my hands almost daily

Go Diego Go: oh dear God that's horrifying

Balls Of Steel: shut the fuck your mouth Diego my point is I can handle myself

hors: okay but one time you tried to make pasta and you burnt it so…

Lucy: h o w

Balls Of Steel: COOKING IS NOT EASY OK

hors: YOU JUST BOIL WATER AND PUT THE PASTA IN IT HOW IS THAT NOT EASY