Archive of Our Own

It’s winter and we are shopping for Christmas presents, which, thinking of it, is a stupid idea, considering we were buying presents for each other. Christine’s excited about it, pointing at various items and squeezing my arm whenever she finds something cute or festive while I tell her about how my dad and I celebrate Hanukkah. 

The voice in my head that belongs to my reactivated SQUIP keeps suggesting Christmas presents, he’s hovering next to us, now and then pointing at windows or mumbling a: “A personal gift is much more valued than a bought one.”

I do mind surprisingly little. The SQUIP had changed a bit after the incident at the play. I mean, he still looks the same and sometimes throws snarky comments at my head but after I practically achieved my goal with dating Christine, he’s not trying to take over other students anymore. And I sort of adjusted to him just being there. 

I’m miserable at crafting things though, I answer in my head, remembering my pathetic tries to wrap gifts last year. 

He raises his brows, smirking a bit. 

“It’s not that difficult. And Christine undoubtedly is someone who would appreciate that.”

Right. I look at her from the side, she looks happy. Her brown eyes are shining, reflecting the colorful Christmas lights of the streets, her smile is beautiful. Maybe I’d give it another try. 

“Stop staring so much. It’s creepy and you’ll walk into a lamp post in about three seconds.” 

My head snaps up and I sway a bit to the side, Christine giggles. I chuckle, putting my arm around her, pulling her closer. 

We’ve been dating for about three months now. A week or so after the play we went on our first date and it had gone better than I could’ve ever imagined. Even without a computer in my brain telling me what to do. 

Speaking of it, my SQUIP points forward at a little café, illuminated by various fairy lights and festive decorations. 

“Suggest to go in there. She’s starting to freeze.” 

“You’re cold, aren’t you? How about we sit down for a bit? In there?” I gesture to it and Christine nods, giving me a thankful look. My SQUIP smiles at me as if he’s content with my decision to obey. I give a smug smile back. I’m long done with following his orders or pretending to be someone I’m not. Even though sometimes, I admit, I regret not doing what he suggests. Most of the time it turns out really good after all. 

He had been gone for a while, after I gave Christine the Mountain Dew Red and destroyed every SQUIP in my school. A week and a half later I started hearing him again and he explained to me how Mountain Dew Red didn’t really destroy him because he had upgraded and put him into more of a temporary sleep mode. 

He is different, now that he doesn’t have an objective anymore, no goal of mine to achieve. So I’ve gotten used to him, he was of a lot of help after all, especially with school stuff. He isn’t electroshocking me anymore, he merely gives me advice or helpes me out with my homework. Which is pretty useful. 

“Cute”, Christine comments as we enter the café, I only hum an agreement, it was quite cozy and smelled of cinnamon and spiced coffee. We settle down at a table in a corner, Christine takes my hand and starts babbling about play rehearsal, like she does most of the time. I quit theatre for the time being, it wasn’t really my thing to stand in the middle of a stage in front of an audience. Not even with a SQUIP telling me my lines. I’ll be on the other side of the curtain, supporting my girlfriend.

We both order a hot chocolate and talk about the upcoming Christmas play. It’s heartwarming to see Christine so happy and excited about it, I’ll definitely come to see it. My SQUIP’s standing next to me, leaning against the wall and watching the people outside pass by. I try not to look at him to not make Christine suspicious. She doesn’t know he is back and I don’t plan on telling her. Or anyone, in fact. The only person who knows is Michael. Well, he doesn’t know, but he suspects. I’m a terrible liar, but I haven’t admitted it yet. I know what he would say if he knew though. But I don’t plan on getting rid of my SQUIP again. I wouldn’t even know how. 

I’m sipping on my chocolate, my thoughts drift off, Christine’s words fade into the background. 

I know it’s weird but a part of me had been glad when he suddenly was back. It wasn’t that I was dependent on him, not really, but it was... nice to not be alone with my thoughts. Or alone in general. I mean, I still have Michael and Christine and even my dad but still... I don’t want to give that up. He’s not hurting me, he’s been very helpful these last months almost as if he’s trying to make up for what he had done in the past. Keeping me away from my best friend, making me break Brooke’s heart and ruining the school play. Maybe some part of his program tells him to do that. 

“What do you think, Jeremy?”

Shit. I haven’t been paying attention to what she was saying. I pause with the cup on my lips, casting my SQUIP a glance. What? 

“I suggest you listen to your girlfriend next time and stop thinking about me.”

A hot feeling of embarrassment is creeping into my cheeks and I promptly choke on my hot chocolate. 

“Oh!” Christine immediately rushes to pat my back, I cough a few times, grabbing the napkin. 

 “I’m fine.” 

She giggles, stroking over my back. I decide to use this to my advantage.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

Christine’s smile gets softer, even a bit shy, she intwines her hands in her lap.

“Well, uhm... My parents actually aren’t home tonight and I was wondering if you’d maybe like to come over?” 

I turn to meet her eyes in surprise. Christine’s smiling as always but there is a weird sparkle in her eyes I have never seen before. She leans a bit closer, squeezing my hand. 

“Uhm...”

 “She wants to sleep with you, Jeremy. You should say yes.”

What? Really? I never– I mean, of course I thought about it, but not really in a that’s-about-to-happen way. Wow. I suddenly feel nervous and I fake a cough to cover up my probably still bright red face. 

“Uh, sure. I’d love to.”

I would, right? It means a lot that she’s trusting me that much and feels comfortable around me, that she likes me so much to invite me over and well... do that. 

Christine beams at me, leaning in and presses a kiss to my cheek.

“Great! At six? We can order pizza and watch a movie. No alcohol though.” She gives me a look, I wave it off, gently brushing my hand across her cheek, bopping her nose.

“Fine with me. As long as you are there.”

She snorts and grabs my hand, pulling it down, cheeks slightly flushed.

“Stop, Jeremy, we’re in public.”

I grin and shrug, wrap my arm around her waist again. 

“I’m not doing anything.”

She shoves me playfully and I shove her back, she shoves me again and I almost fall of my chair. 

“Stop!” Christine muffles her laugh with her hands and I snort at her flushed face. We quickly change into a conversation about rehearsal again, before I pay for our chocolates and we leave the little café again.

We walk back down the street, hands intertwined in comfortable silence, while I can’t stop thinking about later this evening.

I arrive at home an hour later and flop down on my bed, my thoughts spinning. I have about one and a half hour until six o’clock, enough time to... what? Get prepared? 

“You should shower and change your clothes. Also buy condoms.”

I give him a glare, he’s leaning against the wall again, arms crossed in front of his chest. I figured that much, thank you. I nervously strip out of my shoes and jacket, eyeing him warily.

“Can you turn around?” 

The SQUIP smirks but simply closes his eyes and I strip out of my clothing and slip onto the bathroom. I turn the tap of the shower on and let the hot water run over my body. 

Okay. I can definitely do this. I mean, I want this, right? We’ve been together for a long time and I liked her for much longer and I would be lying if I said I never thought about this. Still. There’s so much I can do wrong. What if accidentally hurt her? What if I’m horrible and she never wants to see me again? No, Christine is the most understanding person I know. And it’ll be her first time too, right? Maybe it’ll be a bit awkward, but that’s fine. She’s probably feeling nervous about it too. I’m an idiot for worrying so much. 

I squeeze some shampoo from the bottle into my hand, thoroughly rubbing it into my hair. Besides, I have my SQUIP, he’ll tell me what to do. Wait. No. No, I’ve gotta deactivate him for that, I can’t have him there with us, that would be way too weird. I feel the blood shooting in my head even at the thought of that. But do I know what to do without him? I mean, technically yes. I’ve watched enough porn for that. I can manage without him. 

I take a deep breath and turn off the shower, grabbing my towel. Rubbing my body dry I try not think about what Christine will think when she sees this. I look better than I did a few months ago, the fine lines of what the push-ups did to my stomach, a bit more muscles instead of just my lanky pale body. I hope it’s not too bad, my self confidence still isn’t very high. I wrap the towel around my waist and return to my room. 

My SQUIP’s standing there at the window, gazing outside. I grab fresh clothes out of my closet, when he suddenly steps next to me and gazes over my shoulder at my pants and t-shirts.

“Don’t pick those”, he points at the pair of jeans in my hand. “They’re too tight and it’ll take ages to get out of them. Pick those.”

I grab a black one instead, waiting for him to choose a shirt too. I suppose he was right. I never thought about what to wear before having sex but thinking of it, it kinda was important. 

“The white one’s good.” He gestures to it and I take it, pulling it over my head and put on the pants as well. I try ignoring his presence behind me while I get dressed, not that I can feel it anyway. I turn around with an expectant expression and he eyes me and gives a content nod. 

“You look good.”

“Thanks” I say, glancing down on myself, it feels good to hear that. Hopefully Christine would think so too. 

I walk around him and sit down on my bed, looking up at him. He’s returning my gaze. I bite my lip, my hands grabbing each other in my lap, I’m already starting to sweat again. Why is he looking at me like that? 

“You want to attempt this evening without my help, correct?”

Yeah. I don’t want a computer standing there next to me, telling me how to sleep with my girlfriend. 

“I wouldn’t have stood next to you. I would’ve provided you with advice and tips how to make it as pleasurable as possible for both of you.”

Huh. I don’t know. No, I’m good, I think. I can do it alone. 

“Would you like some advice now?” 

He takes a seat on the chair by my desk. I stare at him and can practically feel my face getting red. Now? From you? 

He nods, looking unimpressed. I shift on my bed, trying to grin away my embarrassment. Okay. Go for it. 

He straightens up and casually puts one arm on the lean of my chair as if this is a normal conversation. Well, it is, I guess.

So the SQUIP tells me some stuff, basically correcting my porn-influenced knowledge and how I know I’m doing the right thing. It’s not as awkward as I thought it would be. But it helps, I feel a bit more prepared (and scared) now.

At half past five I get ready, there’s still something I have to buy after all. I put on my jacket and scarf, heading out into the freezing evening air. 

My dad is working all day so I have to walk. I can’t wait to have my own car. It sucks.

“It does. But you don’t even have a drivers license.” 

Yet. My SQUIP is next to me so at least I’m not wandering the snowy street completely alone. Not really. I bury my hands in my pockets, one is clutching my wallet, the other my phone. The sun’s setting and it’s getting freezing cold. 

“You should’ve put on a warmer jacket. It’s gonna snow tonight.”

“You couldn’t have told me that earlier?” I jump a bit up and down to warm myself, for once talking to him out loud, there was no one close anyway. 

“I didn’t consider it at that moment.”

I eye him, shaking my head. “It’s okay... You, uh...” Well, there were more important things to talk about after all. I kinda can’t say that out loud. 

He nods thoughtfully. I let out a nervous chuckle, lowering my eyes to the ground. It’s difficult to look at him for some reason. Sometimes it’s hard to meet his eyes. I don’t know since when, maybe since I’m together with Christine, maybe later. Maybe I’m just imagining it...

“You’re still sure you want to shut me off later?”

“Yeah... It’s better, don’t you think?”

“It’s your decision.”

I nod. Something feels wrong about him staying for that. 

“I... know you don’t trust me as much as you used to, Jeremy. But I can assure you my only interests are to improve your life.”

I glance back at him, his face is sincere– or at least pretty expressionless (you know, like a computer). 

“You said that last time...”

“And it’s still true. Only last time I failed to see that it’s not possible to fix all human error with just squipping the others. It was a mistake to use you and your peers for that.”

I grin, stopping and turn to him. “You even have some sort of apology program?” 

He grimaces, meeting my eyes and I kinda have to look away again. It’s weird, like I said. 

“No. It was the right thing to do at that point.” 

I roll my eyes. Well, I guess it was. I mean, look where I am.

“Exactly. You’re dating Christine, you’re happy. You’ve got to admit you wouldn’t be here without me.”

I lower my head. I know he’s right, without him I’d probably still be the loser I was, forever pining after Christine. But without him my friendship with Michael probably wouldn’t be so... fragile. It’s still not back to what it was once and to Michael it would probably never be again. Not really. I mean, I allowed a freaking supercomputer in my brain to block him from my vision for quite some time without even telling him it had worked and called him a loser when all he wanted was to help me. I probably wouldn’t forgive myself either. 

 “Michael will come around eventually. If you want to we can set the rebuilding of your friendship as your new goal.” 

“No. We’re not setting a new goal. I wouldn’t be surprised if you’d try to squip Michael too.” I don’t even want to imagine. No, this is something I have to fix myself. 

“That would certainly solve the problem.”

I give him a slightly alarmed look, but he’s smiling. “I’m joking.” 

I’m blushing. It’s really cold outside after all. “You can joke?”, I mumble into my scarf as if that was news for me, he chuckles. 

“Yes. A programmed function to make me appear more likable.”

I smile into the fabric. Likeable. Yeah. Totally. The SQUIP gestures to my right and I turn around the corner, approaching a drugstore. This is gonna be a bit embarrassing. I never bought condoms before, just on my own. 

“Do I really have to do this...?”, I almost whisper, hiding half of my face in my scarf. “I mean, m-maybe Christine will have some...”

The SQUIP looks at me reproachfully. “No, that’s your job. And it’s always good to have a reserve.”

Uhm, okay. Then let’s get this over with. I enter the store, quickly getting to the shelf I need. 

“I suggest–“

Please don’t. With a burning face I grab the first packet on the shelf, heading to the checkout. Halfway there I stop. It’s weird if that’s the only thing I buy, isn’t it? I should by something totally unrelated with it. 

 “And spend unnecessary money? There’s no reason for it. Just pay.”

Ugh... I navigate towards the exit and check out in shame, certain the cashier is snickering behind my back. 

“She’s not.”

I know, I’m just stupid. They sell those every day. I sigh and make my way through the streets in the direction of Christine’s house. Thankfully she doesn’t live too far from here. I can see her house at the end of the street, windows lit up, I’m starting to feel nervous again. Not too much longer and I’d be on my own again, without the SQUIP’s presence by my side. And with Christine. 

“Just activate me when you need help, Jeremy.” 

That would still be weird. I’m good. I don’t need any help. I nod to emphasize my point.  

“Fine with me.”

 I take a deep breath before pressing the door bell, shoving my hands back into my pockets. 

“Don’t freak out so much, Jeremy. There’s no reason.”

I know. I hear Christine’s footsteps coming down the stairs, my heart speeds up a bit. 

“You’ll be great.”

Huh? I turn to look up at him, but in that second Christine opens the door and I can see him disappearing out of the corner of my eye.

“Jeremy! There you are.”

 She looks beautiful. She always does, of course. She’s wearing a wooly purple sweater that is hanging down on one shoulder, revealing her soft skin, a pair of black tights, her hair up in two buns. 

“Hey.” I just say, then quickly lean in to kiss her. Christine smiles and pulls me in, closing the door behind her. I suddenly realize I’ve never actually been inside her house. We’ve always met at my place or somewhere outside. I try to unobtrusively glance around a little bit.  

“Wow, you’re hand is cold!” She squeezes my hand and I follow her up the stairs and to the left into her room. It’s as cute as I imagined. There are a lot of theatre related posters and photos on the walls, a big comfortable looking bed right under the window which is decorated with fairy lights.

It’s pretty warm so I take off my jacket and shoes, before taking a seat next to her on the bed. Christine is smiling at me. 

“I’m glad you’re here. My parents don’t often leave me home alone over night.”  

I suppose that is good parenting then. My dad leaves me alone lots of times. But I guess it’s different if you only have one parent. 

 “Of course. I’m... glad you invited me.”

 She smiles widely, bobbing back and forth. “I was thinking we could order some pizza if you want to and watch some netflix? But if you have any other ideas I’m open for everything.”

She blushes a bit. I stare at her, feeling my face heat up as well but she’s looking at me like I’m the one who’s to decide.

 “Uhm... no. Sounds good.”

I see my SQUIP materializing next to the bed, gazing around Christine‘s room. I try not to look at him too much, it’s irritating. But I’m somewhat glad nonetheless. His presence is reassuring.

“Okay.” Christine pulls out a laptop from somewhere, opening it and typing into the search bar. I lean a bit closer, watching over her shoulder.

So how am I doing? I ask half serious, glancing at him. 

“Okay. Put your arm around her.”

Don’t tell me what to do. You know I don’t want that anymore. I glance back onto the screen, helping Christine choose a pizza. She’s debating between Hawaii and Vegetarian, I rest my head on her shoulder, wrap my arms around her from behind.

“Take this one and we can share...” 

She nods and leans back against me, I gently nudge my cheek against hers, enjoying the comforting warmth radiating from her body. She orders the large vegetable pizza and puts the laptop to the side. 

“What do you wanna watch?”

She lists a bunch of things and we settle with The Last Five Years in the end, making ourselves comfortable in her abundance of pillows on her bed. The SQUIP leans against the wall, watching me. I turn away from him, squeezing Christine close, she giggles but shushes me and starts the movie. 

It’s a romance, I think, I haven’t heard of it before. I focus on Christine’s face while the female main character sings a slow solo about how she’s still not over her boyfriend. I’m sure she has seen the movie multiple times already, but she still looks so into it, it’s adorable. I pull her a bit closer.

Half an hour later the pizza arrives and we equally share it, drinking non-alcoholic beverages and continue with the movie. While Christine’s ranting on how awful the guy treated his girlfriend, my eyes trail through the room, searching for my SQUIP.

Sure she actually wants to sleep with me? 

He shakes his head, smiling. “Where do these confidence issues come from, Jeremy? I thought you had improved those."

I just... I mean, she hasn’t made a move yet... 

“Give her time. She will. You’ve shown her you are worthy of her trust. She’s ready to take the next step.”

Hmm. Right. I’m too. I smile nervously at him, he gives me an approving nod.

So when’s the right time to... you know, initiate it? 

He approaches us, eyes gazing over to Christine lying in my arms. He’s probably processing data. 

Should I wait until the movie’s over? She probably wants to finish it. 

“The movie doesn’t have a happy ending. You should start kissing her in about eight minutes. Then see how she proceeds.”

Okay. Sounds good. I take a breath and cuddle closer to my girlfriend, nuzzling my face into her hair. Christine leans against me, smiling happily. 

From the corner of my eyes I can see the SQUIP watching us, casually leaning against Christine’s desk. He nods at Christine when he sees me looking at him. I bite my lip, quickly bringing my attention back to Christine and only Christine. 

“Now.”

I put my hand on her cheek and turn her head to me, smiling before capturing her lips in a gentle kiss. Christine kisses me back, more eager than I would’ve expected her to. Maybe she really wants to... 

“Of course she does.” 

 Oh right. Shutdown, I guess. 

“Have fun, Jeremy.”

And like that he’s gone and it’s just me and Christine. She wrapping her arms around my neck and my hands find their way to her waist. I pull her closer and tune out the ongoing movie in the background. She presses against me and I can practically feel my blood rushing south, slowly backing off to not let it be too obvious.

She looking up at me with a sheepish smile, her eyes shining with something I haven’t seen before. I guess she really wants this. 

“Jeremy...” She mumbles and tugs at my shirt and I’m starting to feel really hot. 

“Yes?” I press a kiss to her cheek, letting my lips wander down to her neck, lingering there. I can feel her squirm in my arms. 

“I thought about this... uhm, for a while... and...” Her hand slides under my shirt, wandering up my chest, I’m sure she can feel my erratic heart beat. Her hand is warm and even though the touch was quite confident, she’s blushing furiously. 

 “Uh...” 

“Me too”, I softly cut her off, meeting her eyes, Christine smiles, a bit relieved. 

“I, uhm, imagined this...”, I say and instantly regret it. I sound like a total creep. “I-I mean... I’d love to–“  

“I get it”, she chuckles nervously, then her expression gets more serious. “I-I really like you, Jeremy. I wouldn’t do this if I wouldn’t mean it. And... I know you do too... Right?” 

“Yeah...” I carefully tug a strand of her dark hair behind her ear, trailing my finger along her cheek. “Of course.”

An adorable smile graces her lips and she wraps her arms around my neck again and kisses me. I respond by pulling her onto my lap, kissing her back. My head is spinning with thoughts. Am I doing this right? Am I being too fierce? Will she tell me if I do something wrong? I don’t regret shutting my SQUIP off but I don’t know if it wouldn’t have been easier with him here. Helping me, telling me what to do. But on the other hand, what would Christine say if she knew about it still being there, in this intimate moment? 

She keeps tugging at my shirt and in a swift movement I take it off. Christine’s face flushes even more and I can’t help but grin at that. She’s so cute and it’s distracting me from my own insecurities a little bit. 

“You too...” I whisper as I lean in for a kiss again, sliding my hand under her sweater. I halfway expect her to flinch away but she doesn’t and I slowly pull the sweater over her head. She’s wearing a cute bra underneath but I try not to stare too much, instead I lean in to kiss her once more, I’m going to take this slow. I want us to enjoy this. My SQUIP probably would complain about this.  

I quickly push these thoughts aside, concentrating back on Christine. She’s shuffling closer to me and I can feel the air in here getting hotter and my heart beating faster. I wrap my arms around her and sink back into the pillows a little bit, pulling her with me. 

Okay, how do I do this? Do I undress her? Do I touch her and where? I don’t want to do anything wrong...

“Jeremy...”, she mumbles, parting our lips. Her eyes gaze into mine and I’m suddenly aware of the almost painful tightness in my pants. I hope she doesn’t judge me. Because she obviously notices. But she smiles and touches me and I touch her back and it feels strange but exciting at the same time.  

I don’t really know what exactly I’m supposed to do but thankfully Christine seems to have a bit more of a plan. She’s nervously fumbling with the button of my pants, while I lower my lips to her neck and collarbone, planting soft kisses there. I can hear her smiling so that’s good? Obviously. I can practically hear my SQUIP, even though it’s off. Once again I quickly push those thoughts aside and concentrate on Christine. I can feel her fingers very close to my crotch and my head feels like it’s spinning, I inch a bit closer somewhat impatiently. I mean, it’s starting to really hurt, like my body wants her to touch me as much as my brain does, if that makes sense. 

“You should take these off...” She mumbles once she’s opened the buttons on my jeans. I nod, grabbing her hands and gently take them away from my hips, stripping out of my pants. I let them drop to the floor so they’re not in the way later on. I can see Christine trying not to look but she’s failing and blushing as red as her heart shaped pillow. I grin away my embarrassment, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. 

“Sorry about that...”

She merely shakes her head, nudging her nose against mine. 

“Don’t be. Undress me.”

Okay. Wow. This doesn’t exactly help. But it’s not supposed to. This isn’t porn, this is my girlfriend. I’m happy to obey. 

I help her out of her tights, it’s easier than I thought. She’s kissing me again, wrapping her legs around me and I can feel her weight on my lap and it’s making me feel even hotter. 

Jesus Christ, this is better than what I’ve always imagined... 

I’m kissing her and she’s kissing me back, her body is so close to mine, I’m touching her and it’s just us two. And I know this is all I’ve wanted and more and I really, really like it but... I can’t help but wonder if there isn’t something I can do better. If maybe it wouldn’t be even more exciting if I had someone telling me what to do. I could reactivate him, just for a moment, get some advice and then shut him off again. Just to know if I’m doing the right thing. 

I close my eyes, my hand stroking through her hair, my thoughts are spinning. But I can’t. I can’t have him here with me. And it’s weird because he’s been with me through all kinds of situations all the time, it shouldn’t be weird now. But it still is and it’s confusing, because this feels different and I don’t know if it’s because he isn’t there. I don’t feel as good as I could, I think. 

Christine’s softly rocking her hips against mine and it feels amazing, but my doubts are only getting bigger. He said I could just reactivate him if I needed help... But I can’t. What if she’d notice? She doesn’t even know it’s still there... She probably wouldn’t do this with me if she knew... 

But I can’t do this without him. It doesn’t feel right. Why the hell not?

 Christine’s fingers cautiously reach for my pants and I can’t help but flinch away, my hands close around her wrists. 

“Christine, I–“ I can’t. I don’t know why but I can’t. Like this. She looks up at me, eyes widening slightly and immediately climbs off me. 

“Oh! I’m sorry, did I do something–?”

 “N-No! I-it’s just– uh...” I look everywhere but into her face, embarrassment crashing over me, I bury my face in my hands. I’m such a coward. And I can’t even explain myself to her.

“It’s fine, Jeremy...”, she mumbles, softly rubbing my arm and there’s not a hint of disappointment in her voice. I feel even worse. 

“No... I’m sorry... I don’t–“ 

“Really, Jeremy! You don’t have to feel pressured into doing something you don’t want!” 

“No, I– I...” I want to, I want to say, but I don’t. I feel awful and I don’t even know why. I have to explain myself but I can’t. So I’ve gotta get out of here. She doesn’t deserve this. 

I scramble up and reach for my shirt, Christine watches me, stroking her hair out of her face, while I hurry to get dressed again. 

“I’m... really sorry”, I stutter out, driving my hand through my hair. There’s more I need to say, but I don’t know how without giving away my SQUIP is back. 

“Don’t be. It’s fine, Jeremy.” She smiles, taking my hand, her eyes are sincere. “Really. Don’t worry, I’m not mad or anything.”

 No, of course not. She’s Christine, she’s so understanding. While I can’t even understand myself. 

“I... I better go.”  

I move to stand up, she frowns softly.

 “A-are you sure?” Now she looks disappointed. I hate myself. And nod.  

“Yeah... N-Not because of you... Because I... just...”

 “I get it”, she nods, pulling her blanket over her body. “You want to be alone.”

I nod in agreement because it’s easier and grab my jacket, don’t bother to wrap my scarf around my neck.  

“W-wait!” She scrambles up from the bed, blanket tightly wrapped around her, stopping me at the door. I swallow as she gives me a sweet smile, pressing a chaste kiss to my cheek and meets my eyes and I almost can’t take with how much adoration she’s looking at me. 

“I love you, Jeremy.”

For some reason my heart sinks at that. It makes my throat feel tight and the urge to get out of here even stronger. I know I should say it back. I love her too. 

 “I... uhm—“ 

“Don’t feel pressured to say it back. I just wanted to let you know”, she says and smiles because she’s an actual angel. 

“I’ll text you, okay?” I say instead, Christine nods and opens the door, waving her goodbye.

“See you”, I mumble and leave. I can’t bring myself to look at her again. 

It has gotten even colder outside and it’s indeed snowing. The sun’s long down and I bury my face in my scarf, making my way home as fast as possible. 

Only when I’m back in my room and sink down onto my bed, frozen from the cold outside I reactivate the SQUIP. 

He appears next to my bed, blue eyes glowing in the darkness and I mentally prepare myself to get scolded. 

“Jeremy.”

“I know... I totally fucked up, you don’t need to tell me.” 

“What happened?”

I simply shake my head, kicking off my shoes. Don’t you know? You’re in my head. 

“I could review your memory. Or you could tell me.”

I suppose it didn’t really make a difference. I sigh and stare at my hands in my lap, the guilty feeling coming back again. 

“I... well, it went good, at the start... We kissed and... you know, undressed and stuff and then...” I don’t even know what happened. I just couldn’t do it. “I don’t fucking know, I chickened out!” I throw up my hands, before burying my face in them again, I can’t look at him. I can’t even look at him. 

“Jeremy...” 

I’m such a coward. She’s my girlfriend, I’ve been in love with her for at least a year. And now, now when it counts...

Before I can stop it there are tears dwelling up in my eyes and soon flowing down my cheeks. I lie down and hide my face in my pillow. I’m so pathetic...

“There is no reason for you to feel ashamed. You simply weren’t ready for that commitment. Christine is not going to judge you for it.” 

Yeah, maybe, but I just ran off like an idiot! I should have explained everything! I turn on my back and wipe my eyes, taking in a shaky breath. I can see him sitting down on my bed next to me, the mattress not moving under the pressure. Obviously. 

“What made you ‘chicken out’?”

You weren’t there. I swallow, not feeling able to meet his eyes I stare somewhere over his left shoulder. 

“You didn’t want me there.” He’s frowning a bit. I shrug softly. I know. But I thought I need you. It just... started to feel... wrong, I don’t know. Ugh. I turn my face into the pillow again, feeling utterly ashamed. 

“Why didn’t you reactivate me then?”

Because that wouldn’t have been right either! God, I’m so confused. I don’t even know what to think... I really wanted to do this, didn’t I? Why did I back off? It doesn’t make any sense. 

Does it? Can you tell me what the fuck is wrong with me? 

“There is nothing wrong with you, Jeremy. It’s different for everyone. You simply need more time, maybe strengthen your relationship with Christine a bit more–“ 

If she even wants me anymore. She told me she loves me and I didn’t say it back. Like I don’t love her back. That’s kind of a big deal, isn’t it? 

He crosses his legs, looking thoughtful. I watch his face from the side, it’s much easier if he isn’t looking at me. So much easier. It’s not that I feel uncomfortable under his gaze, it’s more like he can look right into my soul as soon as he meets my eyes. Which doesn’t make much sense considering he’s already inside my brain and I’m not really able to hide anything from him. Not that I would want to. Not that there is something. 

“You love her, Jeremy. Even if you didn’t say it. There’s plenty of time to in the future.“

 I don’t even know if I want that future. If I really would have wanted to sleep with Christine I would have done it, with SQUIP or without. Right? Maybe we just don’t go well together. After everything that happened. 

“Don’t just give her up now, after everything you did to win her heart. After everything we did.” 

He’s looking at me again, I just shrug. I don’t think I can deal with my feelings anymore today. 

“Then sleep. We can deal with them in the morning.”  

We, huh?

 I close my eyes, snuggling into my pillow. Sounds good.