Work Text:
Complex by Zion.T
I want to gain some weight even though you like my skinny body. When I hug you and sleep with you, when I give you my arm as a pillow.
There was a time when he didn't care about his body. There was a period where he let comments go in one ear and out the other, no matter how harsh they were. There was a moment there when composing music, and writing rap was all that was on his mind.
So when he looked into the mirror at 3:28 am and saw what he saw, he didn't know what to do.
For Seo Changbin, growing up skinny was a prerequisite to live in his home. He never experienced what it was like to devourer snacks, and sugar-coated lollies like his friends did. He only knew healthy habits, and when those in his family weren't given disgusted looks and told to go on a diet, he learnt to live with hypocrisy. When he was graduating, his friends all bought their suits and dresses early, while the boy was told that he could buy his after shedding a few kilos.
He was never called fat. The word never came out of his mother's mouth, but there were days when he wished it would. There were days when he wanted and prayed for her to call him a name so that he could tell someone the truth. "My mother wants me to be healthy," never truly got his point across to others.
Changbin found himself restless that early morning, sitting in front of the tall mirror. He stared at his cheekbones, his skinny arms and legs silently. He'd long ago left his old home behind yet the words of his mother never left his mind. He wasn't as skinny when his mother told him to lose weight, and now that he was, a part of him wanted to show his new body off to her.
Another part wanted to cry.
He saw the bed sheets move in the mirror and Changbin turned to look at his boyfriend's sleeping form. From the beginning, Felix told him that he loved his body. As soon as Changbin had opened up about not liking his size, Felix said to him that he loved him no matter how he looked. He also told him that he was skinny. Changbin then realised that not many people shared the same thoughts as he did and that Felix wouldn't understand if he told him how he actually saw himself.
Changbin sighed and turned back to look at the body he should love. Eighteen years of being told that skinny was beautiful and fat was ugly should have made him smile at his new form. But there was something about his slightly boney features that just didn't sit well with him. His mother's words rung in his head as his eyes grew heavy. He pushed himself off the ground and wrapped himself up in the covers.
---
The next day, He woke up to Felix lightly stroking his hair. He opened his eyes slowly and hummed, watching his boyfriend smile at him sleepily.
"Good morning, beautiful," he yawned, kissing Changbin lightly on the head.
Beautiful... he didn't feel so beautiful.
Changbin simply smiled and pulled him down to kiss his lips. He ran his hands through Felix's red hair, content. They stopped suddenly, and Felix pulled back to stare at Changbin with concern.
"Hey," Felix whispered, running his thumbs along his cheeks. "What's wrong?"
It was then that Changbin realised he was crying. He laughed, quite taken aback by the tears running down his face and wiped his eyes.
"Oh, sorry," the tears kept falling. "I'm fine, just a dream."
Felix gasped and wrapped his arms around Changbin's head, catching the elder off guard. "Did my baby get a nightmare?" Changbin groaned and slapped his hands away but he couldn't help but smile. Felix kissed him again, simultaneously wiping the other's tears away with his fingers. He pulled back again with an excited expression, making Changbin whine from the loss of contact. "We should go shopping!"
Changbin lit up. That was an offer he couldn't refuse.
---
The pair walked hand in hand down the busy street. The road was bordered with endless shops, and they couldn't decide which one to enter. Eventually, Felix walked faster up the road, pulling Changbin along. They came to a small clothing store which Felix had visited time and time before. Changbin had never enjoyed clothes shopping, especially for himself. But if it was Felix who wanted to shop, it was fine.
They walked through the isles together but split up at one point, Felix went to search for a shirt, and Changbin texted Chan about new music. He was going to tell him about the new song Changbin was working on when he hears an excited squeal.
"Changbin, come here!"
Changbin put away his phone and maneuvered through the clothes racks. He found Felix holding a button up in the air, trying to get a good look at it. The boy turned to him and held it out for Changbin to see.
"What do you think?"
Changbin took the shirt from his hand and held it up to Felix's chest.
"I think it'll look nice on you!"
Felix scoffed, pushing the shirt forward again and onto Changbin's torso. "Not for me, you dingus. For you!"
Changbin looked down at the shirt in his hands. It was a nice shirt, there was nothing wrong with the design, and it looked like it would fit him perfectly. Perhaps that was the problem as he stared at it with conviction. It was so small.
"Bin?" Felix asked, waiting for a reaction. "If you don't like it, that's fine. How about..."
Felix turned back to the racks, and Changbin swallowed, looking at the rack the other picked it up from. "No, no. I like it, but..." he hung the shirt back up on the stand and pulled another out from the back. It was two sizes bigger. "I like this one more."
Felix stared at the shirt, confused. It wasn't meant to be a loose-fitting shirt; it was more of a dress shirt if anything. He went to open his mouth but paused as he watched Changbin stare down at his hands. Felix recalled their conversation about looks months ago and quickly shut his mouth as he took the shirt from his boyfriend's hold.
"Perfect, then," he smiled, and Changbin looked up at him with something similar to sadness in his eyes, yet he smiled back at Felix. "Let's go pay."
---
Hours later, the two returned home, carrying bags of shopping that they undoubtedly did not need. They were on a fixed tight budget considering their living status and low paying jobs, yet that didn't stop them from the occasional shopping spree.
As they unlocked the door, they threw the bags on the kitchen bench and sighed, proud of their day's work. Felix clicked his fingers with a sudden thought and jumped up and down.
"Ooh, you should try on that shirt we bought!" Changbin nodded, wanting to see how it looked and took the bag, walking into the bedroom. He pulled his jumper off from over his head and rummaged through the paper bag. There were shoes, and some earrings for Felix but no shirt.
Changbin sighed. "Felix! Could you please grab me the other black bag?" He heard a muffled shout which sounds something like 'of course!' and Changbin waited.
His eyes fell on the mirror, the corner of this torso caught in the reflection. Changbin slowly walked around the bed and stood in front of it, staring at his naked chest. He brought a hand up and ran it along the protruding collarbone and onto his shoulder. He felt how he would feel the bone if the skin wasn't there. He used to have more of a stomach too, now all he had was a flat belly with a faint outline of abs. He wasn't underweight, yet something felt so wrong. He should love the feeling of being what his mother called 'healthy', but nothing about him felt right as his eyes welled up with tears.
The door opened quickly and in walked Felix with his bag. "We bought a lot of black bags, but I found-" Changbin briefly met Felix's gaze before he closed his eyes, one hand on his stomach, the other on his chest as if his skinny arms would cover him. A tear slipped down his cheek, then another.
"Changbin..?" Changbin didn't open his eyes as he heard Felix walk over to him. Felix put a hand on the other's shoulder, but he flinched slightly.
"Please don't," his whisper came out as a choked sob. "I look disgusting."
Felix wanted to up and cry just listening to him. He reached out again, this time putting his arms around Changbin's torso. Changbin paused for a second before resting his hands on top of Felix's.
"I think you look beautiful," he whispered into the older's ear. "And I've always thought you looked beautiful."
Changbin wanted to cry because he didn't feel beautiful and he didn't suit the body he was in. He opened his eyes to see Felix watching him through the mirror with his head on his shoulder. He knew that Felix still didn't fully understand how Changbin saw himself, he knew Felix thought that he wanted to be skinnier.
Changbin blinked away his tears, skipping a few breathes as he went to speak. "I-I don't like it, Felix, I'm s-so tiny."
Felix went to open his mouth but paused, taking in his words. Changbin wanted to cry even more as he watched Felix think it through and something in his expression changed. He pulled Changbin closer, lightly pulling on one of his shoulders to turn the other around. Changbin did so, burying his face in Felix's shirt and let out more muffled sobs.
"Shh, it's okay," the younger ran his fingers through Changbin's hair as his shirt soaked up the tears.
Changbin pulled away just slightly, still engulfed in his boyfriend's arms and wiped away his tears. "I should be happy, I've b-been told to be like th-this my whole life. Why do I h-hate myself?"
Felix felt a tear slipped down his cheek as he rubbed away the other boy's. "Bin, I'm so sorry you were told that. No one should tell you how to look." They were both now fully crying. "I've always found you beautiful, and you know what?"
Changbin sniffled. "What?"
"When I first saw you, you were in a cheesecake shop trying to shove as much cheesecake in your mouth as possible." Changbin felt his ears burn up and he covered his face. When did that even happen? "After I saw you eat that cake with so much conviction, I knew that we were going to fall in love one day."
The two of them laughed, and Felix peeled Changbin's hands away from his face. "You were beautiful eating that cheesecake, you were beautiful when we started dating and you're beautiful now. However you want to look, you will always be beautiful to me."
Changbin broke down into tears. His whole childhood was about looking 'good' in one person's eyes, and no one had ever said something like this to him before. He grabbed both sides of Felix's face and pulled him in for a blind and clumsy kiss, but it didn't matter. The love of his life was kissing him and holding him so tightly as if Changbin might disappear.
"I love you so much; you don't know what it means to me to hear you say that."
Felix smiled and pulled away, grabbing the button up from the bag and slipping it onto the boy. Changbin watched his hands as he did up the buttons. "I love you too, Binnie, but right now there's one thing we have to do." Changbin looked up at him as he finished doing up the last button. "We need to make a cheesecake."
At that moment, Seo Changbin had never been more in love with Felix Lee.