Chapter Text
“Alex Dawson… hello…?” Bernie hadn’t even realised she’d hit the call button until she heard Alex’s voice.
“Alex” her voice caught in her throat.
“Bernie?” Alex frowned and pushed herself to sit up in her bed, “is everything okay?” It was only as she heard a slight hoarseness in Alex’s voice that Bernie glanced at the clock on her dashboard and swore under her breath, it was after 11, she’d obviously woken the other woman, “Bern?”
“I erm, I’ve left Marcus.”
“You…”
“I’ve told him that things aren’t working between us, I’ve packed my things and I’ve left.”
“Where are you?”
“In my car, I erm, I was going to find a hotel but I didn’t realise the time so erm, I’ll probably head back to the hospital, use the on call room tonight and find somewhere tomorrow, I didn’t know it had gotten so late, I’m sorry if I woke you.”
“No, no it’s fine, do erm, do you want to come over?”
“No, Alex I wasn’t hinting, I erm...”
“I’ll text you my address yeah?”
“If you’re sure?”
“Of course” Alex said softly, “I’ll text you the address over now.” she said before adding, “drive safely Bern.”
Alex ended the call and Bernie sat staring at the darkened screen until her phone vibrated in her hands, she set her phone to direct her to the address Alex had sent, dropping it into the charging cradle and beginning to drive.
Bernie stood outside the apartment block for a while, she couldn't believe she was so nervous, “pull yourself together” she told herself, “you can do this” she reached out, pressing the buzzer for Alex’s flat before she lost her nerve, “it’s me” she said simply once Alex answered.
“I'm on the third floor” Alex told her, “I'll meet you by the lift.”
Bernie heard the click of the door opening and pushed it open, making her way over to the lift and up to the third floor, “sorry” she apologised when she saw Alex, the other woman dressed simply in blue and grey checked pyjama bottoms and a grey hoodie, “if I’d have seen the time I wouldn't…”
“It's fine” Alex said quickly, “I wouldn't have answered if it was a problem, and I certainly wouldn't have invited you over if I hadn't wanted to so stop apologising.” Alex led Bernie down the corridor to her apartment, “I put the kettle on” she told her, “but I didn't know if you’d prefer something stronger?” she gestured to the bottle of expensive scotch on the side by the kettle.
“Something stronger would be good” Bernie nodded as she slipped off her shoes.
Alex nodded, pouring two generous measures of alcohol before walking over to Bernie, “you can sit down” Alex said, handing her a glass before sitting herself down on the sofa, curling her legs beneath herself, “I'm sorry it’s so cold in here, the heating went off at…”
“No, no” Bernie interrupted as she sat on the opposite end of the sofa to Alex, “it’s fine honestly.”
“Do you, do you want to stay?” Alex asked, not taking her eyes off her glass.
“I'd like that” Bernie nodded, “if you wouldn't mind?”
“I've only got one bedroom” Alex told her, “you're welcome to the sofa or erm, we could bunk up together for old times sake?”
“You've got this stylish apartment and you're telling me you've got bunk beds with paper thin mattresses in your bedroom?” Bernie tried to lighten the mood.
Alex laughed, still not looking up from her scotch. “I'm afraid not, just a king size bed with a memory foam mattress, no itchy wool blankets either.”
“How do you sleep at night?”
Alex laughed again, a sound Bernie didn't think she could ever get sick of, “very well actually.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” Bernie smiled.
The pair sat in silence for a few minutes before Alex downed the dark liquid in her glass, “I need to know Bern” she said quietly, “you and Marcus, you’re not going to go back to him in a couple of weeks, I, I can’t do that, I need…” she sighed, rolling her empty glass in her hand wishing she hadn’t left the bottle in the kitchen, “I need to know where I stand” she said honestly, “are you going to go back to him?”
“No” Bernie said, knocking back her own scotch, “I, seeing you today, it brought everything back, I thought it would be easier if I went back to Marcus and the kids but the kids don’t need mothering any more and, I never really realised how incompatible we were. It was only after I saw you again that I realised, the feelings I had for Marcus are gone, I don’t feel the same way about him as I do you.” She sighed, her eyes fixed on the floor, “I got speaking to Dom, Doctor Copeland after you’d left, he told me that you love who you love, there’s no shame in that and I think he’s right, all I’ve done since I got back is think of you and how wonderful life would be if only I was brave enough.” She looked up, her eyes finally meeting Alex’s, “I think it’s finally time to be honest with myself. I love you Alex.”
“Oh Bern” Alex sighed, tears pooling in her eyes, “I love you too, I love you so very much.”
“I’m sorry” Bernie whispered, placing her empty glass on the coffee table so she could take hold of Alex’s free hand in both of her own, “you saved my life and I just...I just tossed you aside, I’ll completely understand if you don’t, if you’re not interested any more but I…” she shrugged, “I’m yours, if you, if you want me”
“I do” Alex whispered, “you know I do, but you need to be one hundred percent certain that you want me too.”
Bernie said nothing, gently placing one hand on Alex’s cheek before brushing her lips against those of the woman she loved, “we can do this at your pace” she said as she pulled away.
Alex nodded, “do you want to go to bed? To sleep I mean, it’s getting late. We can talk more tomorrow.”
“That’s probably a good idea” Bernie nodded, “I’m working in the morning.”
“I’ll be waiting for a call to see if I’m needed anywhere.” Alex stood up, holding her hand out to Bernie, “didn’t you bring a bag?”
“It’s in the car, I didn’t want you to think I was expecting you to let me stay.”
Alex laughed as she led Bernie into the bedroom, their fingers still linked, “you think I just invite women into my home at midnight to give them a drink then kick them out?” Bernie didn’t get time to answer, “I’ll find you some pyjamas, you can get your bag in the morning” she gestured to a door off the bedroom, “there’s an ensuite through there, feel free to use whatever you need, there should be a new toothbrush in the cabinet on the wall” she said as she passed Bernie some pyjamas.
Bernie smiled as she took the soft cotton garments from Alex, “thanks” she said softly, leaning forwards to brush her lips against Alex’s cheek, “I won’t be long.”
Alex was already in bed when Bernie came out of the bathroom, her hoodie discarded to reveal a plain white vest top, the duvet pulled over her lap as she waited for Bernie to join her. She smiled as she watched the older woman place her neatly folded clothes on top of the chest of drawers, “I can make you some space, if you want to stay that is?” Alex said as Bernie joined her in the bed.
“I… are you sure?” Bernie hadn’t expected to move in with Alex straight away, even if the other woman wanted a relationship Bernie had expected to find her own place, to take things slowly.
“Yeah, if it’s what you want?”
Bernie nodded as she laid down, turning on her side so she was facing Alex, “I’d like that.”
Alex smiled as she too laid down facing Bernie, “I can’t believe this is real” she whispered, as she gently reached out to touch Bernie’s cheek.
“It’s real Alex” Bernie said softly, taking Alex’s hand in her own, “I’m just sorry I didn’t let myself be honest with you from the start.”
“It doesn’t matter” Alex told her, “if we’re doing this then let’s start again, let’s call this the beginning.”
Bernie nodded, “okay”. They fell into a content silence for a while, both laying under the duvet just looking at each other, both unable to believe that this was it, that their time had finally come, the time where they could be honest about their feelings, where they were free to love each other without having to hide. It was Bernie who spoke first, “can I ask you something?”
“Yeah” Alex nodded, “sure.”
“Earlier, you said you got disillusioned, that’s why you left…”
“Yeah” Alex dropped her gaze to the crisp white bed sheets, “I erm, I couldn’t settle properly without you” she confessed, “I, I struggled to trust the others like I did you.”
“I don’t mean to pry” Bernie said quietly, “but I couldn’t help noticing the meds in the cabinet when I was looking for the toothbrush.”
“Oh” Alex frowned, she’d not even thought about the anti-depressants stored in her bathroom, “I planned on leaving but I got a medical discharge in the end.”
“Because of depression?” Bernie frowned, “what happened? Are you okay?”
“I got diagnosed with PTSD, I kept having flashbacks only there was nothing I could do to save you, I couldn't eat I couldn’t sleep, I kept having panic attacks… there was just this constant worry, a constant fear that it was going to happen again. Every time I left the base I felt like I was constantly on edge” She glanced upwards, her eyes meeting Bernie’s again, noticing nothing but concern on her face, she was always worried about telling people, about the stigma that came with mental illness, but Bernie had been there, she should have known she wouldn’t be judged. “It’s stupid but it’s one of the reasons I took the job at Holby, I needed to see you for myself, I needed to see you were safe.”
“Oh Alex” Bernie shuffled closer so she could wrap her arms around Alex, the younger woman nuzzling into her, “I’m okay, you don’t need to worry about me, I’m safe now and so are you” she told her before asking, “are the meds working?”
“Yeah” Alex made no attempt to move from Bernie’s embrace, “I tried therapy before and it took a while to get the dosage right but I’m okay now.”
“I’m glad to hear it” Bernie nodded, stroking slow circles on Alex’s back.
“I’m sorry” Alex mumbled, “I should have told you, if this is too much for you if you want…”
“I want you” Bernie said sincerely, “I was there with you, I know what it was like out there, neither of us came away in one piece, we’ve both got scars, it just happens that your scars are in your mind, mine are on my body.”
“I love you Bern.”
Bernie smiled, “I love you too.
It didn't take long, less than fifteen minutes of Bernie holding her and rubbing her back was enough to send Alex off to sleep. Bernie smiled when she realised Alex had dropped off and kissed her forehead softly before allowing her own eyes to close, safe in the knowledge that she’d made the right decision to leave Marcus.
Bernie frowned as she woke the next morning, recognising instantly that she wasn't at home. The mattress beneath her was softer than her own and she’d woken on the wrong side of the bed, Marcus always slept on the...Marcus. That's when it hit her, she’s left him, spent the night holding Alex closely and… Bernie frowned, still half asleep, Alex wasn't there. She was in the bed alone.
Almost right on cue the bedroom door swung open and Alex appeared, still in her pyjamas but carrying a large tray, “oh, you’re awake” she smiled, “morning.”
Bernie couldn’t help but return the smile, “morning.”
“I made us breakfast” Alex smiled, getting back into the bed, two cooked breakfasts and two mugs of coffee on the tray, “but don’t get used to it” she chuckled.
“You didn’t have to go to any trouble Alex” Bernie sat up in the bed before kissing Alex’s cheek, “but thank you very much.”
“It was no trouble, some of us aren’t used to sleeping past 5am yet, I thought I might as well make myself useful.”
“Well I’m very grateful” Bernie thanked Alex again as she passed over a plate, “this certainly beats my usual breakfast.”
“Which is?”
“Coffee and a cigarette”
Alex laughed and rolled her eyes, “you really haven’t changed have you?” Bernie just laughed in response as Alex told her, “there’s a little balcony off the living room, I’m not going to force you to go downstairs if you want to smoke but I’d appreciate it if you didn’t do it inside the flat.”
“Of course” Bernie nodded as she ate the breakfast Alex had made for her, “this is lovely thank you.”
A content silence filled the room as they both ate, and Alex was quick to clear the plates away when they’d done,leaving Bernie in bed drinking her coffee, “if I don’t get a job today I’ve got a few things I need to go out and do” Alex told her as she got back into bed, it was still early, “so you’ll have to let me know when you’re leaving the hospital so I can make sure I’m back to let you in, I’ll speak to the letting agency about getting a second set of keys for you.”
“Thank you” Bernie smiled, looking at Alex for a moment before kissing her softly, “I still can’t believe this is real.”
“Oh it’s real alright” Alex smiled, “you’re stuck with me now.”
Bernie laughed, “I can think of worse people to be stuck with” she kissed Alex again before glancing at the clock, “would you mind if I jumped in the shower?”
“Of course not” Alex got out of bed and took some towels from a drawer, “where are your keys? I’ll go and get your bag for you.”
“They’re in my coat pocket, thank you.”
“No worries” Alex winked, “I’d offer to join you but I don’t want to make you late for work.”
Bernie laughed again, it had been a long time since she’d laughed this much, “we’ve showered together before and not been late for duty.”
“Yeah but it was easier to keep my hands to myself when there were 15 men in the shower with us” Alex smirked as she left the room.