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The thing was, it happened so naturally. Buck was used to Eddie stepping closer than strictly necessary to invade his personal space. He did the same thing to the other man a number of times. So when it came to the end of a long double shift that ended up being closer to 36 hours, he could claim that he wasn’t in the right state of mind. He changed into his civilian clothes and tugged his shirt down over his stomach, smiling as he listened to Eddie go on about his weekend plans with Christopher.
“Sounds great, man. Tell the little guy I say hey.” Before his brain has time to process what he’s doing, he’s stepping forward and pressing a kiss to the corner of his lips. “See you later,” he said as he turned on his heel and walked out. He didn’t realize his actions at first, not even when Hen congratulated him on his way out, until he was standing in front of his car. Frozen to the spot, his eyes widened as he lifted his fingers to touch the corner of his lips. “Oh fuck…”
What had he done?
-
He decided to drive. He had no idea where he was going, but he needed to get away. From Eddie. From the department. From the phone calls that were quickly draining his cell’s battery. On impulse he picked it up and dialed the only number that came to mind. When someone answered, he rattled off a name and number before the line was connected to someone else.
“911, what is your emergency?” Maddie’s serene voice rang through the phone and some of the anxiety loosened in his chest.
“Maddie. I kissed him.” He croaked out, free hand lifting to tug at unruly blond hair. He didn’t chance a look at the mirror, knowing it was messy from running his fingers through it a million times over.
“Buck!” She scolded down the line. He could almost see her pinching the bridge of her nose, eyes narrowed in annoyance. “This is not an emergency. Hang on-you did what?” Her voice raised slightly in pitch and he exhaled slowly.
“I kissed Eddie. I don’t know what I was thinking! Maddie, I’m freaking out!”
“Evan.” The use of his first name jarred him from his panic and he drew in a shaky breath, moving his hand to tightly grip the steering wheel. “I love you. But you having a sexuality crisis is not an emergency. I get off my shift in 20. Why don’t you call in a pizza for us and pick it up? Use your spare and I’ll be home within the hour.”
“You always were the smart one.” Buck murmured, flexing his fingers around the steering wheel before flicking the turn signal on.
“Don’t I know it,” his sister laughed quietly. “I’ll be there soon, Buck. Load up a show on my laptop or something and try to relax.”
“Thanks, Mads.” He smiled, feeling a little more at ease. He hung up and dialed his favorite pizza place, making sure to order his sister’s favorite. He was definitely going to owe her at the end of all of this. Half an hour later, he was walking into her apartment and disarming the alarm system. The pizza was sat down on the coffee table and he flopped face first onto the couch, groaning loudly into one of the cushions. “Fuck,” he muttered as he rolled onto his side. He’d kissed Eddie. He’d kissed his best friend and now he was avoiding him like the plague. The thing was, the action itself wasn’t so terrifying. He could admit that. It wasn’t as though he hadn’t maybe considered it once or twice in the past. Or three dozen times in the past week alone. No, the real problem was that he’d acted on impulse and it could have cost him two of the most important people in his life.
The door opened ten minutes later but he didn’t bother to move. He knew his sister’s routine of checking the alarm system, putting her keys down in the ceramic turquoise bowl on an end table near the front door, and then her journey to the kitchen to get a beer after a long shift. True enough, a couple of minutes later he heard Maddie approach and settle her hand gently on his shoulder after setting two beers down beside the pizza. “Did he turn you down?” She asked softly, withdrawing her hand as he sighed and sat up.
“No. I didn’t really give him the chance.” He confessed before launching into the brief story. He collapsed back into the cushions when he finished, dragging a hand down over his face. “This is your fault,” he told her with no bite to it.
“Me? I didn’t tell you to kiss him.” Maddie scoffed lightly, sitting down beside him and opening their dinner.
“You called it a boy crush before Abby broke up with me. It’s been stuck in my head-“
“Buck,” she cut him off gently. “If you’ve been thinking about it for that long, then that tells me you’ve had the crush for longer than when I brought it up. I’m still not seeing the problem.” She took a bite of the pizza, cupping her hand over her mouth as she chewed. “He’s single, right? And he’s said women aren’t his type like a million times.”
“It’s not that. We all know he’s gay,” Buck said. At Maddie’s look of disbelief, his cheeks dusted pink. “Okay. I was the last to figure it out but I still did.” He was still slightly annoyed that oblivious Chim had figured it out before him. Hen had teased him about it for two weeks straight. Then again, it hadn’t really stopped.
“So what’s the problem? Why can’t you just answer your phone and talk to him about this like a grown man?” His older sister’s gaze pierced him to the core and he hung his head, shoulders shrugging.
“What if he turns me down?” It wasn’t entirely true. Sure, that was a part of it, but still not the biggest reason. He couldn’t afford to screw this up the way he inevitably would. He couldn’t hurt two of the people that meant the world to him. Wanting to be with Eddie came with strings attached in the form of a son whose smile lit up the world. Buck loved Christopher like his own, he did, but he couldn’t insert himself into his life to just let him down further down the road when things didn’t work out.
“Buck?” Maddie reached over, gently touching his arm and drawing his gaze to her. “I love you, little brother. But this time you’re being an idiot. That man is head over heels for you and it’s almost nauseating at times. Do you remember watching the game here last week?”
“When you and Chim snuck away to makeout?” Buck asked, a weak smile forming at her look of surprise. “Come on, Mads. You were gone for like ten minutes. Your excuse of him reaching the top shelf was pitiful. He’s not even that tall.”
“That isn’t the point.” Maddie said, cheeks heating up slightly. “The point is, I saw the two of you together. Buck, he let you eat the rest of his pizza because you were whining about being hungry. He made sure you never ran out of beer. For gods sakes, he put his arm on the back of the couch and his fingers rubbed your shoulder. The guy is into you. I know you’re scared because of what happened with Abby but this time can be different if you let it. You just have to stop being so scared.”
“You don’t get it.” Buck argued, shaking his head. “I screwed things up with Abby so badly she went to another continent to get away and never came back.” Reaching for his beer, he paused with his fingers outstretched. “Fuck. Do you think Eddie will move back to Mexico because of this?”
“He’s never lived in Mexico,” Maddie reminded with a soft eye roll.
“I just gave him the perfect reason to go!” He groaned and dropped back into the couch, screwing his eyes shut.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this worked up over someone.” Maddie laughed quietly. “Buck. You’re being an idiot. Eddie is not going to move out of the country because of you. You need to talk to him. You’re just going to keep spiraling and you know what happens when you do.” And he did. He’d download dating apps and find random hookups and bounce from one woman to the next until he felt calm again. Damn her for knowing him so well.
“Why are you right?” He cracked an eye open, shifting slightly to glare at her.
“Because I’m older and wise.” She smirked and reached for a second slice of pizza. “Call him, Buck. Seriously.”
“After dinner. I will,” he added fiercely as she raised an eyebrow and made a skeptical noise. He sat back up and grabbed his first slice, lips turning up at the corners. “Thanks, sis.”
“What else are big sisters for?”
-
He didn’t have to call. When he parked outside of his apartment building two hours later, Eddie was waiting for him at the front door. He was sitting on the porch step, a muscle in his jaw ticking as Buck slowly made his way to a stop in front of him. “Hey, Diaz.” He greeted softly as he shoved his hands into his pockets.
“Did you have an aneurysm or something?” Eddie asked, walking down the step so they were face to face. Buck’s face scrunched in confusion and the other man swore softly under his breath, shaking his head. “Dios. I knew you weren’t always the brightest-
“Hey!”
“-but I didn’t think you were this stupid.” He said as he closed the space between them. Before Buck could protest, a warm hand wrapped around the back of his neck and pulled him in. Chapped lips covered his own in a soft kiss, something easy and light that clouded his head. His eyes closed on instinct as he leaned in, tipping his head just enough to give the other man full access to his mouth. His fingers curl over firm biceps, pressing light indentations into skin as Eddie proceeded to take his breath away. His head was spinning as the man drew back, leaning their foreheads together so they didn’t break their connection. “That should have been our first kiss.” Eddie grinned fondly.
“We need to talk first.” Buck swallowed, slowly dropping his hands away from his arms. “Wait. You’ve thought about our first kiss?” He raised a quizzical brow and Eddie nodded, leaning in to kiss the corner of his mouth with a knowing smile.
“Yes, and it was a hell of a lot better than that.” He teased before stepping back to let Buck lead him into his apartment.
“You wanted to kiss me?” Buck repeated, his brain trapped in an endless loop as he fumbled with his keys. A warm hand covered his own, plucking them from his grasp when he couldn’t get it together. Eddie’s breath puffed across the back of his neck from quiet laughter and he stepped through the door as it opened, walking straight for the kitchen. He needed beer if they were going to have this conversation now.
“You running from me again?” Eddie asked, following him through his apartment. Shaking his head, he opened his fridge and popped the top on a beer before offering it over to the other man. He grabbed a second for himself and took a long pull from it, leaning back against the kitchen counter.
“I shouldn’t have kissed you earlier.” He said, lifting his gaze. Eddie watched him, his face giving nothing away, and somehow that gave him the courage to keep talking. “I like you, Eddie. You’re my best friend. And Christopher...he’s a hell of a kid. I’m toxic, Eddie. I use people to get what I want. You didn’t...you weren’t here to see who I was before I dated Abby. With her, I wanted to be the best version of myself. But what if I can’t be that with you? What if this was just a sign that I’m not built for monogamy? I can’t let myself hurt you or your son.”
“You’ve been broken up with Abby for months, Buck. I haven’t once heard of you trying to sleep around with anyone since and you know you haven’t. The one date you went on, you took the girl home when she got too drunk and saw yourself out. At least that’s what you told us.” Eddie reminded patiently, setting his beer on the countertop. “Buck. I like you. You like me. I’m not seeing a problem in exploring this.”
“Because I’m not a great role model. Because of my past. Because you’re going to move back to Mexico when I inevitably screw this up between us.”
“I’ve never been to Mexico.” Eddie chuckled and took a step closer. “Buck. Look at me, man.” He waited until their eyes met before smiling softly. “Do you know what I like about you? How much you care. It’s what drew me to you in the first place. I’m not looking for something perfect, Buck. That’s not realistic. But I’m not going to let you talk yourself out of this or try and change my mind.” Closing the distance between them, he lifted one hand to cup Buck’s cheek. “Do you trust me?”
“You know I do.” He replied softly, peering up through his lashes at him.
“Then trust me on this.” Eddie murmured before leaning in, catching his lips in another slow kiss. Buck closed his eyes and gave himself over to the moment, pushing his thoughts away. For just this once, maybe he could let himself go freely. The conversation was far from over but the last of his tension and fear bled away as Eddie pulled back to smile fondly. They were in this together.