Chapter Text
Closing the door behind him, Minhyuk sighs.
University isn’t easy. Well, nobody said it would be. But still, this is too much. ‘Tired’ doesn’t even begin to describe how he feels.
He has lectures from eight to six almost every day, and they’re all with professors who make him want to die on the spot. None of them are interesting, and they’re all smelly old men.
Sure, he wasn’t there to ogle hot guys, but having somebody attractive would at the very least - help motivate him. Unfortunately, this was his unluckiest semester yet.
The term started a month ago, and as soon as Minhyuk saw his schedule, he knew it wasn’t going to be fun.
Not to mention the way his classmates never seemed to change, constantly shouting slurs and making disgusting jokes. They treat girls rudely too and it’s nauseating. So yeah, not the best environment.
On the bright side, at least he has a free day. Despite never having a favourite day of the week before, he found himself looking forward to Wednesdays the most.
Tuesday nights are great too, being able to stay up without stressing over an upcoming deadline feels fantastic.
Taking his shoes off, Minhyuk immediately springs himself onto his bed.
His apartment is just a few blocks off campus. It's small but it's good enough for young tenants like him living on their own.
Minhyuk’s bedroom is basically the living room and there's no kitchen either, which was fine by him since he can't cook to save his life. The bathroom is a bit cramped but it works and that’s all that matters.
Moving away from his family and living on his own in Seoul, one of the world’s most expensive cities, is already a big step towards adulthood - if that’s even a thing.
Like his living space, there’s not much going on with his life outside studying and his part time job. Minhyuk spends most of his free time playing games and keeping up with his favourite singers - Monsta X.
He’s not the type to be fixated on celebrities but hearing their songs and seeing them perform helped him overcome his troubles and inspired him to do well in his field too.
It’s embarrassing, really. He’s still young, in his mid 20s but it’s not exactly the ideal age to be involved in fan culture and idols. It leaves a bitter-sweet taste edging on his tongue.
Minhyuk reaches for his phone and sits up, seeing all the new notifications. He quickly unlocks it and opens Tumblr.
It’s been quite some time since he installed the app and made his own blog centered on, well, Monsta X.
Most people use Twitter because it’s easier and celebrities have their official accounts on there so the chances of them interacting with fans are higher.
However, Minhyuk finds Tumblr fun, and it’s like his secret place since it’s not that popular among locals.
It’s also a good way to practice English - the main language used by majority of the users. His vocabulary has definitely grown twice from the last lesson he had in high school. And albeit small in size, Minhyuk does have friends from other countries and that’s how he puts his skills to use.
Since he’s not the most outgoing person, conversations don’t usually last. They only last for a few days anymore after that, the person he’s talking to loses interest and stops replying.
It’s fine though. It can’t be helped.
These past few months, however, Minhyuk’s been talking to a certain mutual a lot. A fan just like him, with the username people would actually die for - ‘hyungwon’. It’s still a shock as to why they’re following someone like him and looking back, he’s not sure why they even started chatting.
There’s really no special reason.
Minhyuk, himself had wanted that username and had been waiting for a response from the owner for years, but after several ignored chats, he gave up thinking they were inactive and had moved on from the site like many of his older mutuals had.
However, a notification came one night and it caught him by surprise.
hyungwon is now following you!
Amazing, he thought. After pretending he didn’t exist, the owner dare come back and follow him?
It confused Minhyuk so he decided to check the blog and see if there was a new post but he’s met with the same reblogged gifset that’s been greeting him every time he checked the inactive account.
The same pictures, videos, gifs - the same everything. And it’s all Hyungwon. Not that Minhyuk was complaining, he’s his favourite member after all.
He decided to send a message, this time a simple hello instead of can i have ur url plz and that’s when they started talking almost everyday. His chats with ‘hyungwon’ - now ‘Won’ for short, became his favourite past time and something he’d always look forward to.
It’s nice having a friend, even if they haven’t met formally. It’s pathetic, yet the truth.
Not laughing whenever his classmates made ignorant ‘jokes’ meant being isolated from the rest and eating lunch alone, which was perfectly fine with him. The people he was stuck with until graduation were assholes, anyway.
Having gone to military right after high school, Minhyuk was two years older than the rest of his peers, and this made befriending even harder.
He’s not a child, and he’s in university for god’s sake. Everyone only cared about two things: their Starbucks order and finals. It didn’t matter who you sat with.
Minhyuk was content. He had Monsta X, Won, and his other friends.
Everything is fine.
When Minhyuk found out that Won and him live in the same country, he excitedly asked more questions about where they studied, their age, and almost everything about them.
He tried to come off as friendly and patient but he wanted to know more about his new internet friend and although they weren’t the most open person, Minhyuk still learnt a lot.
For one, they’re both in Seoul and are around the same age; Won never specified. Apparently they’re already working and aren’t in university. That made Minhyuk a little disappointed, because if by some chance of fate, they could’ve been attending the same one.
But of course Minhyuk has terrible luck, so something like that would never happen.
Initially, he thought Won was a solo fan, not caring about the other members because the only content on their blog was Hyungwon. However, after many conversations with them, Minhyuk realized they loved all of Monsta X, like he did.
Their chats revolved around the group - starting with how he got into them, his favourite member (as if the url hyunghyuk wasn’t obvious enough) and what his most treasured songs were.
They definitely grew closer; enough for Minhyuk to talk to Won about his personal life and daily shenanigans. His friend is quite reserved though, never returning his enthusiasm in full but Minhyuk knew they cared.
Soon enough, Won ended up discovering Minhyuk’s cheesy love letters dedicated to Hyungwon, and that day his face had remained permanently red.
It had been an innocent question, about what the posts tagged with the love letter emoji were, and later that day, Won promptly liked all of the content inside said tag. The posts were public, so anyone could read them but to know that someone was actually reading them was embarrassing.
(God knows what Minhyuk would do if Hyungwon himself had found those.)
His face flushes at the memory and he slaps himself out of his thoughts. He looks at his phone and remembers that Won had messaged him.
Despite all the months of friendship, Minhyuk never had the courage to ask for their number, hence they had to make do with Tumblr’s faulty messaging system.
hyungwon
hey minhyuk, it’s soon.
Soon?
Oh. That’s right.
Two days ago, Monsta X’s official twitter account tweeted a comeback scheduler which made Minhyuk lose his shit, spamming Won with messages.
Unlike him and the rest of the fandom, Won was calm like they always were, and only laughed at Minhyuk’s sequence of key smashing and spongebob memes.
They always had a knack for cryptic messages and he was surprised at how it was like Won could tell the future.
On Saturday, as they were chatting, his friend dropped a random message about how Monsta X would probably tweet the scheduler for teasers soon. Minhyuk agreed, forgetting all about it until the next day.
The teasers came so fast, Minhyuk didn’t have time to prepare himself.
At 10pm on the dot, Kihyun and Jooheon - respectively the group’s main vocalist and rapper’s teasers came out and he nearly pissed himself.
With his single brain cell, Minhyuk tried asking Won what they thought the concept would be and for once, was responded with uncertainty as well.
Not having any idea as to what the coming comeback would be like, he dropped the subject, choosing to wait for the music video instead.
Truthfully, he’s not as excited as he should be.
Back in March, he was ready to go through the comeback with Won, only for them to tell him they’d be busier during that period of time.
Even after promotions ended, Won only came online at odd times and they always missed each other. When Minhyuk asked them about it, they informed him they were on a long business trip overseas.
To make matters worse, Monsta X had their concert in Seoul as a kickstarter for their world tour, and he wasn’t able to go having no money for ticket and transportation.
The following live videos started at weird times as well, due to the time differences and Minhyuk missed all of them.
It sucked – he loved to watch their lives because of how intimate it felt, and sometimes, if he was lucky, a member would read his comment.
The chances are almost non-existent but he remembers Kihyun reading one of his comments out loud. Minhyuk had called him a big-head, unsure of what it meant having just learnt the term. It was just funny to see the small vocalist huff in front of the camera.
Hyungwon never reads his comments, though.
Minhyuk complained to Won about that, once, when Monsta X were finally back in Seoul.
He whined about how Hyungwon would never read his comments and when he told Won his username on the app - Minhyuk only got laughter in response.
That always happened. And it made him feel good, to have someone laughing because of him. Won’s happiness was his happiness and Minhyuk wished it could be like that all the time.
They’re his special friend, after all.
That night, Hyungwon started a live and Minhyuk spammed messages of love and appreciation, insisting they rest up after the long flight.
And as if by some kind of miraculous coincidence, Hyungwon replied.
He still remembers the exact words.
“Oh? User Hyunghyuk, thank you for the concern, I’ll be sleeping soon.” He laughed, eyes shining and Minhyuk’s face basically caught on fire.
He’d felt this weird adrenaline and actually cried. Minhyuk still feels stupid for being dramatic but having someone you’ve been admiring for a long time notice you is a really big deal so he gives himself a pass.
Almost everybody on Tumblr knew that was him and sent him a bunch of asks about it. All of which he ignored as he focused on screaming to his dear friend, Won - who didn’t reply until the next morning.
His phone buzzes once again, and Minhyuk flinches.
hyungwon
minhyuk?
hyunghyuk
im here! was just thinking about that one time hyungwon actually replied to my comment on vlive
i still can’t believe that happened
and his reaction was so cute…
i love him so much wtf
hyungwon
you’re cute too. :)
Minhyuk grabs the pillow resting next to him, presses his face into and yells.
Ever since they started talking, Won would say that in passing and it’d break Minhyuk every. single. time.
The sincerity of it made him want to cry.
It’s not the first time he’s been called cute, but it feels so genuine from Won that Minhyuk always ends up flushing bright red. It’s stupid, how flustered he gets, because Won is obviously the cute one.
hyunghyuk
u have to stop saying that
it’s not healthy for my heart
i almost died >:-(
hyungwon
then perish
hyunghyuk
ur killing me.
ur killing ur friend :-/
ur such a sweetheart won!!
hyungwon
i know.
:)
Won had this kind of humour that wouldn’t be funny to anyone else, and Minhyuk adored it.
hyungwon
oh that’s right.
hyunghyuk
?
hyungwon
i won’t be able to enjoy their comeback with you again,
i’m really sorry.
i do hope you manage to get into a fansign though!
it’d be awesome if you could meet them, having been a fan for so long.
hyunghyuk
aw :-( that’s okay!! as a student i know it’s hard to keep up when real life duties call !
but i’m also not the BEST student, so...
and thank you!! i hope i get in too ;;
you’d think i’d have gotten into at least one fansign after three years but nope
Well it’s not like he can complain that much about not being to get in when Minhyuk only buys one album every comeback.
hyungwon
your luck really does suck.
i’m hoping you get in though.
hyunghyuk
thank you!!
have you ever been to one before???
hyungwon
yeah, just once.
last year, during beautiful.
hyunghyuk
:-O!!!
thats amazing??? how was it!!
hyungwon
hm...
it all happened really fast so i can’t really remember but,
it was exciting.
being able to meet the fans
other fans*
and of course the members.
hyunghyuk
did u get nervous talking to hyungwon???
if i saw him up close i’d probably cry
hyungwon
oh yeah, he’s really handsome.
i’m much more handsome though.
Great, now Minhyuk really wanted to know what Won looked like.
They never posted selfies, and even after he scrolled all the way to the bottom of their blog, he never saw a single post made by them.
Everything was reblogged from other users and content creators. They were much more of a silent blogger than he’d expected.
And maybe Won made an exception for Minhyuk. They’d told him once that they never messaged anyone else before - despite being quite a popular blog. That made his heart race, he’s so clearly whipped for his friend.
His stomach growls, and Minhyuk looks at the time. It’s already eight, almost nine and he hasn’t had dinner yet.
hyunghyuk
u cant say that !!!
i dont even know what you look like ;-(
i gotta get dinner though so we’ll talk later!!
if ur free !
see you!!
hyungwon
you just have to imagine hyungwon, but much better looking.
and enjoy your dinner, i’ll come on again before the next teaser drops.
Not to be biased, but Minhyuk really can’t imagine anybody who could be much more handsome than Hyungwon.
And frankly, he doesn’t actually know what Won is.
He vaguely remembers mentioning genders before, but doesn’t remember how the conversation ended. Gender neutral pronouns will just have to do.
Shuffling out of bed, Minhyuk groans at the need to change. A shower was in due order too, having dived straight into bed upon returning home was kind of gross. He hasn’t even changed his clothes yet. Disgusting.
A while later he’d finished showering and moves out, leaving his phone to charge.
The convenience store is almost like his second home, the delivery service being on speed dial.
The store’s bell chimes, indicating a customer has walked in and he strides to the premade food aisle.
There are about twenty different meals to choose from, but he chooses the same every time - a bento set with chicken and pork alongside rice. What’s a meal without meat, right?
Also because all the others have cucumbers in them for whatever reason. Cucumbers are evil and Minhyuk would rather die than eat them.
During his walk home, he finds himself thinking about Won. It’s not like he has nobody else to think about, but his mind constantly starts wandering back to his friend.
Won was easy to talk to, and their conversations flowed seamlessly. They were also super sweet, always looking out for Minhyuk and as days passed, he found it harder and harder to stop talking to Won.
Having someone who’d listen to him ramble on for hours was… new. Everybody Minhyuk had talked to before would change the topic as soon as he brought something up and he never got to share about anything.
Constantly being pushed to the side and even being treated as other people’s therapist. They poured their problems onto him - which was fine, he loved helping others but they’d never give Minhyuk the chance to speak his thoughts.
Won was different. They’d let Minhyuk excitedly share about his day, and things he saw on the way to school that reminded him of the members.
It was that sense of fairness - concern, that made Minhyuk adore them so much.
Yeah, Won is undeniably charming, and Minhyuk might like them.
It’s great. Falling for someone you barely know is so fun.
Of course, the internet isn’t the best place to get a crush on somebody.
(When was the last time he even had a crush on anybody? High school?)
Hell, what if Won’s actually an old man pretending to be a fan so they can pick up girls? Maybe he needs to investigate that first before anything else.
What a pain.
By the time he’s home, the teaser is out.
He speed walks to his phone and goes onto Twitter, unsure of what to expect.
He had made one a while back to follow Monsta X’s official accounts and a few of his friends from Tumblr who were currently screaming on his timeline.
After scrolling down, he sees the new set of photos.
Shownu and Wonho.
Their hair is the first thing Minhyuk notices and he’s so confused. They look good though, he thinks as he retweets.
As promised, there’s a message waiting for him on Tumblr.
hyungwon
how is it?
they look cool dont they?
hyunghyuk
yeah
they both looked so gOOD?/??/
do you think orange hair would suit me
Dinner has always been a lonely affair, but ever since he started talking to Won, it’s not so bad.
Usually Minhyuk would pull out a live to watch, pretending someone’s there but after meeting his friend, he decided he preferred their company better.
He sits at his study desk and opens the lid to his dinner. Grabbing a pair of chopsticks, he starts devouring the food.
Would orange hair suit him? He’s been dyeing his hair for as long as Minhyuk can remember but he’d never tried something as vibrant as Wonho’s current hair colour. Perhaps it’d be a nice change.
hyungwon
what colour is your hair now?
don’t go bald.
He tries to huff, mouth full of rice, some of it ends up flying out instead. And because it’s more important to document this, he tells Won, ignoring the mess that screams to be cleaned up.
hyunghyuk
thanks just spat out my rice
you’ll see it in a few days :-)
hyungwon
disgusting.
and right, the 13th is coming.
what kind of concept are you going for this time?
hyunghyuk
its a secret !!
hyungwon
that’s mean.
but understandable, it better be good.
No pressure at all.
His stuffs another mouthful in and focuses on chewing as he types his next reply.
hyunghyuk
hey ive been meaning to ask!!!
hyungwon
yes?
The reply is so fast Minhyuk starts to sweat. Wouldn’t people normally freak out at being asked that? Who on Earth replies so readily to something like that.
hyunghyuk
so like
ive been using them, to refer to you in my head… because i dont know your pronouns…
it’s not in your links either and im not rly surprised since theres like nothing on it but
i mean so
He’s rambling, in text form. Fantastic - typical Minhyuk.
hyunghyuk
what pronouns do you go by?????
Minhyuk gulps down his food as he waits. Tumblr’s messaging system not having any chat bubbles normally made him feel less anxious but today it felt like the reverse was happening.
He’s kinda hoping Won is a guy, though, since he’s gay but even if they were a girl, it’d be fine… probably.
Maybe it’d be even better. His romantic feelings would cease to exist, and everything would be fine and dandy again.
No more panicking over what to say and blushing over the slightest compliments.
hyungwon
im a man.
sorry if you were expecting a cute girl.
Amen.
hyunghyuk
no never!!
im gay
Oh shit he can’t just say that. That’s like, admitting he likes Won, so he thinks of an excuse on the spot.
hyunghyuk
oh but
i like someone else
so dont worry
If he wasn’t eating dinner, Minhyuk would slam his head against the table. Why would Won even want to know who he likes?
He stares at his screen but the reply that comes next takes a long time to come through and he manages to stress eat until his whole meal is gone.
By the time Minhyuk finishes his last spoonful, there’s still no word from Won.
Did he fuck up?
Christ, what if Won’s actually homophobic and wants to cease all communication with Minhyuk?
Sure it’s the first time he outright mentions his sexuality, but it’s in his about page so it shouldn’t be that much of a shock. And if Won really were homophobic, then Minhyuk would be the one doing the blocking.
He spends the rest of his time waiting, cheek against the table.
“It’s not coming…” he mutters to himself like a dejected puppy.
Giving up, Minhyuk chooses to clean his area up instead, opting for a more sensible approach to pass time.
With slow hands, as if Won would reply at any moment, he changes into more comfortable clothes and digs through his bag for his laptop.
Maybe if he changed his device, the reply would come faster.
(That’s total bogus, but Minhyuk will not go to bed without confirmation that they’re cool.)
Half an hour turns into an hour, and by the time it’s midnight there’s still no reply.
This is unsettling.
Ignoring the pain in his chest, he opts to sleep instead.
Sleep is a good cure for a lot of things, after all - Hyungwon once said so.
Before it kidnaps him, he curls up, vaguely thinking about how lonely he is.
Then, because his mind detests him, Minhyuk starts thinking deeper.
He’d always known he was gay - girls just didn’t do it for him. They never made his heart speed up, never made him blush and didn’t make him nervous.
However, Minhyuk has dated girls before, desperately trying to force feelings of love because he found himself abnormal for never reacting like his male friends whenever a cute girl talked to them.
Every girl he’s been with broke it off, always saying he’s never into the relationship and how it doesn’t feel like Minhyuk even cares.
He couldn’t find an excuse, they were all right.
At first, Minhyuk thought he couldn’t fall in love.
Maybe whatever superior being up there just didn’t want Minhyuk to enjoy his youth. That’s the reasoning he gave himself anyway.
Things changed in his last year of high school. There was a new transfer student, a guy, and he was just so pretty.
Minhyuk’s never seen anyone as attractive as him. Not even the prettiest girl in class.
His personality was just as beautiful as his appearance and Minhyuk felt something he never thought he could manage.
Love.
Being a pretty open person back then, Minhyuk talked to him first, asking him where he came from and just about everything - he was desperate to find out more.
They ended up becoming good friends, maybe even Minhyuk’s best friend. He trusted the other with his life.
When he got a girlfriend, Minhyuk pretended to be happy for him, and squashed the feelings of jealousy away.
It wasn’t possible for him and his male best friend to get together.
(Minhyuk knows all too well. A year before, rumour had it that there was a guy in the neighbouring class who liked his other guy friend. Classmates and even people from other years would go up to that student and bully him.
Kicking him, pushing him down stairs, you name it - they’ve done it. Minhyuk was there when one of his classmates called the rumoured gay student a slur he hated to remember, but he ignored the scene and walked away.
Three months later that student disappeared.
Nobody felt remorse, nobody felt sad about his disappearance. It disgusted Minhyuk. Everybody celebrated having a “homo” out of their school and he never wanted to throw up more.
He was even more disgusted of himself for ignoring everything that happened. In favour of saving his own face.
Whenever somebody made a joke about how gays being trash, he’d bite his lip and try to drown out the laughter that followed.)
Even after a year later Minhyuk ignored the constant insults at gay people, his people and focused on the sensation of nails digging into his thighs instead.
One day, his best friend asked him about it.
About the rumoured gay student who ran away after enduring three months of bullying.
He didn’t know what to say.
Was Minhyuk to laugh at the poor boy’s life? Or was he allowed to let his true feelings show?
Which was it? He thought to himself in that moment, palms sweating.
If he chose the wrong option, he’d suffer the same fate as the boy from a year ago.
Minhyuk wanted to believe his best friend wouldn’t make fun of his sexuality but with straight people you could never tell.
Under their skin they could be hiding a whole other self.
Unsure and stressed, Minhyuk ended up crying.
--
After that day, he lost all his friends.
Thankfully graduation was a month away and he waved his school good fucking riddance.
Fearing his secret would reach his parents or worse - the locals, he ran.
Military was his safest bet, not having to see any of his schoolmates who preferred going to university first.
Oh, but his story doesn’t end there.
The last person Minhyuk had wanted to see had the same plans as him and he hated how his heart still sped up at the sight of his (ex) best friend.
Minhyuk was in love with someone he could never obtain and it was killing him.
Being in the same room was suffocating, not to mention having to shower together.
For some odd reason, he never mentioned Minhyuk’s sexuality to the other people in their batch. It made his life easier, and his shoulders relax.
He could finally be at ease.
Or so he thought - as slurs started getting thrown around like greetings. And he - the man he loved would start it all.
Glancing in his direction and smirking, he’d greet Minhyuk with, “hey homo,” and nobody would bat an eyelash.
Bile rose and he had to excuse himself.
Days before they were done with service, he was cornered and his peaceful life ended.
Minhyuk let the tears fall, causing the sight of his first love to blur and he blacked out.
When his parents came to see him once he was back, they worried - asking him what happened to their precious baby and who’d do such a thing?
They considered complaining but Minhyuk waved it off, fake laughter and everything as he told them it was all “fun and games”.
As soon as he could, he fled to Seoul, never looking back.
Now, making friends was scary.
What if they turned out like him? Making friends online who had similar interests and who were the same as him was so much safer.
Minhyuk hates being alone, but sometimes it’s better than being surrounded by people who’d throw him away in an instant.
Fuck his brain, he curses as tears start to slide down. Minhyuk curls up even more and prays that his friendship with Won won’t end the way all his others did.
Finally, sleep collects him and everything turns dark, tears stains fresh on his cheeks and pillow.
He doesn’t dream that night.