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At age five, Jisung sees a boy get kissed under the climbing net of the playground. It's a kiss on the cheek, and probably really sloppy because the boy is now wiping his cheek with a scowl. Jisung wishes someone would kiss him too.
He knows love through his parents and his big brother, whom he looks up to more than anything. Jisung is glad when the older boy decides to give in to his nagging and play with him. He brushes it off when his older brother calls him a nuisance because he doesn't know what it means, and he cannot even pronounce it to ask his mother. He smiles anyway because it is his brother and at least he's talking to Jisung.
His parents are lovely to him. They brush his hair and tuck him into bed at night. His father lets him piggyback until Jisung is too tired to hold on, and his mother kisses his forehead every morning. A warm feeling spreads through him when they smile. He loves them very much. Though sometimes they smack his butt because he is naughty. He still loves them.
Most days he makes do with the same toys that his big brother has played with for years before. He doesn't have friends because he is shy and even if he did, his parents do not let him go to anyone's house. While Jisung is only young, he is already sheltered. He is lonely, but he has his parents and his brother.
At the tender age of twelve, Jisung is already worried about having no one. Yes, he has his friends, and he loves them with everything he has. But kids his age have started dating and Jisung wants to too. Except why would anyone like him? He is just nerdy, unattractive, annoying, boring, bitter.
No one wants a boyfriend like that. No one has ever even expressed any interest in him.
Every Valentines Day, he watches the other boys receive flowers and chocolate. He has never received anything unless it was from his best friend, who has never really liked chocolate. On White Day, he is the only one sitting at his desk as the other boys give presents to the girls. Even Seungmin gives out small presents for the girls who'd given him chocolate, though he only does it out of obligation. Everyone is smiling and happy, and Jisung's heart hurts a bit.
Instead, he tries to keep his head down, study hard, get good grades and make his parents at least remotely proud of him. His best friend, Kim Seungmin, is the only one who gets him, and that's why they're best friends.
Life isn't that bad, he supposes. He's glad that he at least has Seungmin on his side.
He's happy enough.
At nineteen, he meets Hyunjin and Felix. They are friends of Seungmin's.
His first impression of Hyunjin is that the boy is stunning. Everyone else thinks so too because he is very popular among both boys and girls. He has a beautiful smile and kind heart and he is magnetic, drawing people in so easily. He smiles at them and talks in a soft voice, and everyone falls in love with him.
Jisung can see past it though. Hyunjin is uncomfortable with that much attention. Jisung is too, not that he gets any, and that's why he's sitting on the back deck with his drink. He feels alone, watching the stars that are so faint because of the street lights and heavy pollution. His butt hurts from sitting in the same position for too long on the hard wooden deck.
It's a small party hosted by one of Seungmin's friends that Jisung doesn't know. Seungmin, Felix and Hyunjin, and some others are around him too, but they're having their own conversation and Jisung doesn't feel like being a part of it.
There's a hand on his shoulder. Thinking it's Seungmin, he swivels his whole body towards the person. Except it's not Seungmin. It's Hyunjin, and he's now crouching next to Jisung.
Jisung gasps at how close Hyunjin is to him, and he loses his balance, falling flat onto his back. His drink spills beside him, trickling down through the gaps between the wood. Luckily none of it spills on him. He looks back at Hyunjin, wide-eyed, because he's laughing at Jisung.
His laugh is as beautiful as the rest of him, and Jisung has to remind himself not to stare. His eyes are crinkled up like crescent moons. Jisung's eyes flick back to the sky to see the same shape. The moon is shining brightly tonight, and with the blink of his eyes, he sees the flash of Hyunjin's smile. He sits up quickly, too embarrassed to say or do anything else.
That's okay because Hyunjin is the first one to speak. "You're Jisung, right? I'm Hyunjin. I'm Felix's friend. And Seungmin's. And yours too, I guess."
He blinks at how forward Hyunjin is. It's their first conversation, Jisung hasn't even really spoken to him, and yet Hyunjin thinks they're friends. Jisung doesn't complain. Making friends has always been hard for him so he'll accept it.
"Yeah." He nods with a gulp. He's not quite sure which part he's agreeing to. "Nice to meet you."
Hyunjin laughs lightly, eyes not leaving Jisung's as he stands up. "So formal. Let's go get you another drink, Jisungie."
Jisung does his best to smile at the other boy, though it probably looks more like a grimace, judging by Hyunjin's amused smile. He can't help it; Hyunjin makes him nervous.
The taller boy leads him to the various drink coolers and asks what he wants. Jisung knows that by now, all of the sugary, decent tasting drinks are gone.
"Just a beer, please." Jisung hates how his voice comes out; it's thin, shaky and shy. Though he's always been told his voice was like that so maybe it wasn't just Hyunjin's presence.
He glances around subconsciously. People are looking at him because Hyunjin is with him and why would he be with that loser? He's no one.
Jisung shuffles in his spot uncomfortably, his eyes fixed on his shoes and the very outdated vinyl flooring beneath them.
"Don't worry about them," Hyunjin comments, handing Jisung a beer from the cooler. "You have bad taste by the way." He grins as he flicks the ice cold water from his fingertips towards Jisung.
The other boy shirks back for a second. "I take what I can get." He shrugged, following Hyunjin to the backyard where Seungmin and Felix are talking.
Seungmin had met Felix and Hyunjin in one of his classes, and they had immediately bonded over their dislike for the lecturer. Jisung thought it was about time to meet them since Seungmin rambles on about how cool they both are. For someone who didn't want to come to the party, Seungmin seems happy to be there. Apparently, it took a lot of convincing from both Hyunjin and Felix but he was ultimately powerless when Felix did his signature puppy eyes.
"Ah, Jisung!" Seungmin smiles at him, turning towards Felix slightly. He eyes Hyunjin, who is standing beside Jisung with his arm laying on the smaller boys' shoulders. "This is Felix. I see you've met Hyunjin already."
Jisung nods, smiling at Felix, who is rather cute. He has bright orange hair, much like a carrot, and freckles over his nose and cheeks, and a nice smile that lights up the atmosphere.
He suspects something is going on between Felix and Seungmin, judging by how close they're standing (and by the way he's heard a lot more about Felix than he has about Hyunjin), but that's their business and Jisung isn't one to pry.
Instead, he smiles as the others converse with each other, noting the feeling of a sense of ease and a steady heartbeat.
"Hey, that's not fair!" Jisung yells as he feels a pillow come into contact with his back, making him stumble forward.
"Life's not fair, Han." Hyunjin snickers at the boy as he picks up his own pillow.
Jisung narrowed his eyes, "I've known you for six hours and you're calling me by my last name? Bold move."
The older boy only smiles before charging towards and knocking him onto the bed on his back. Jisung's loud giggles are barely heard over the sound of Hyunjin's pillow thumping against his body repeatedly.
Hyunjin's arms soon tire from swinging the pillow around so he moves on to tickling the younger, throwing his head back in laughter as Jisung tries to wiggle out of his grasp. He flails his limbs with a cry for help, accidentally hitting Hyunjin across the chest. Hyunjin tumbles onto the floor with a loud thud, and Jisung's laughter ceases. He peaks over the bed to see Hyunjin laying on his back with his eyes closed.
"Hyunjin? Come on, you're not dead," Jisung trails off, leaning down closer to him. Sensing the younger boys' closeness, Hyunjin reaches out and pulls him down too. Jisung lands on top of him with a small 'oof' and a frown. "Luckily your pillow was here."
Hyunjin rolls his eyes. "Luckily I was here."
"Hey, you're the one who pulled me down, you idiot!" Jisung says as he stands up before pulling Hyunjin up.
"Shh," The older boy waves his hand at Jisung as he sees their two friends.
Seungmin and Felix are curled up on the couch, Felix with his head on Seungmin's shoulder. Both are snoring softly and their hands are intertwined. It's cute. Jisung's heart swells a bit because Seungmin deserves someone to love him, and so does Felix.
"Huh," Jisung stares down at them, smiling lightly, "If I didn't have a conscience, I would draw tiny penises all over their face."
Hyunjin laughs, wrapping his arm around Jisung's shoulder. "Yeah, let's not do that."
He nods, his face flushed because of how close Hyunjin is. The taller boy smiles down at him, eyes bright with energy and admiration.
Jisung feels like his heart is in his throat. Maybe it's just the alcohol.
At twenty, Seungmin and Felix began dating, and Jisung was so happy for them. Seeing them together makes him smile like an idiot because they really are perfect for each other. He doesn't mind that he third-wheels with them when Hyunjin is busy.
This time around he's smiling because Seungmin has just told them that he has to study for an exam and won't be able to come to the cafe with them.
"You mean I have to third wheel with these two?" Felix pouts at him.
Seungmin grabs Felix's small face in his hands, squishing his cheeks together so that his lips are bunched up. He presses a quick kiss there, smiling down at the boy. Felix's face softens a bit but he stands his ground, still frowning at the boy.
"What is that supposed to mean? We're not the ones who can't go two minutes without some kind of PDA, thank you very much." Jisung scoffs in fake bitterness because he can never really be mad at them. Not when they're as cute of a couple as they are.
"Please, at least we were smart enough to-" Felix cuts himself off because Hyunjin enters the room, puffing loudly.
He appears next to Jisung, pushing his hair back with his hand. "Sorry, I ran because I didn't want Jisungie to go blind from your PDA. "
"See!" Jisung almost yells as Hyunjin unknowingly supports his statement. He loops his arm with Hyunjins'. "Go on, make out. We'll be waiting out here." He turns his nose up snobbily, pulling Hyunjin, who is giggling, along with him.
Felix turns to his boyfriend with a blank look, raising his eyebrow.
"Don't be mad," Seungmin whines, hugging the smaller boy.
"I'm not," Felix wraps his arms around him. "It's just Jisung and Hyunjin. They're stupid as hell. Are you sure we can't just tell them to smarten the fuck up and date already?"
Seungmin snorts. "I'd love to, honestly. But no, not yet anyway. Jisung is still confused, it's obvious. Just give them time." He kisses Felix before sending him on his way.
Turns out Felix is right; he is third wheeling. He chews on his fries, craning his neck to see what Hyunjin and Jisung are laughing at on the phone. "I can't see." He whines with a pout.
"Then come over here, idiot." Hyunjin rolls his eyes.
Felix almost jumps out of his seat, and somehow snakes his way between Jisung and Hyunjin, sitting squashed between the two boys. He smiles triumphantly.
"That is not what I meant." Hyunjin shakes his head but scoots closer to him anyway.
They are watching funny animal videos on Hyunjin's phone, giggling like school girls.
Jisung lays his head on Felix's shoulder with a yawn. "Lix, you want the rest of my cake?" He pushes the plate towards him.
Felix agrees immediately, stuffing his mouth with a chunk of cake. "Thanks, Sungie." He manages to get out around the cake.
Jisung leans his head up to quickly press his lips to Felix's cheek as a you're welcome. He's always been one for affection with his friends and family. Seungmin wasn't a fan of kisses, or hugs, for that matter, so he's become used to living without them. Except now that Seungmin was so affectionate to Felix, Jisung thought it was only fair that he could be too. After all, he had been deprived of it for years.
"Ew, Jisung," Felix wipes his cheek like a kid who's been slobbered on by a dog. It reminds him of the boy in kindergarten.
"What? Seungmin does that all the time!" Jisung gapes at him, slightly offended by his disgust.
"Yeah, he's my boyfriend." Felix squints at him.
Jisung punches him in the arm. "And? I'm your best friend."
Hyunjin is laughing at their bickering. It's beautiful and airy; Jisung would never get tired of it. It feels like a personal accomplishment, making Hyunjin laugh, because it's the most beautiful thing to see and hear.
"Yeah, we're your best friends, Lixie." Hyunjin leans down and kisses Felix's other cheek, making the boy groan again. "Oh shut up, you love us."
Felix grumbles to himself but he doesn't object, simply taking another bite of his cake.
Jisung glances to the boy beside Felix, heart stopping as he realises he's looking right back at him. Hyunjin gives him a soft smile, not turning his head away until Jisung does.
He wishes that Hyunjin is as happy as Felix and Seungmin seem. He'd wish it for himself but that feels equal parts hopeless and pathetic.
At age twenty-two, Jisung feels alone. He has his friends, but he doesn't have his family anymore. He had moved out two years ago when he figured out that nothing was enough for them.
He's thankful for his friends Seungmin, Felix and Hyunjin. They keep him sane. But there is a hole in his heart. He knows how to fix it. Find someone to hold, someone to hold him. Someone to make him soup when he's sick, and play with his hair. He wants to take care of them, for them to take care of him.
He feels frustrated when a teenager complains of being alone because they still have time to find someone. Jisung is getting old now. People his age have started getting married and having kids. He feels left out. Not just at having a romantic partner, but having someone to rely on that relies on you too. Someone who is your number one, and has you as their number one.
Jisung finds it hard to pull himself out of his pity party, sulking to himself while watching cringy rom-coms that just remind him of what he doesn't have. He sometimes wishes to find a love like Felix and Seungmin have, but maybe that was too high of an expectation.
For some reason, his mind keeps going back to the day he met Hyunjin and Felix. He cringes at the way he'd acted around Hyunjin. He's lucky to have a friend like him who could look past the nervous behaviour that others couldn't.
As if he knows he was being thought of, Hyunjin's name pops up on his phone screen. He asks if he can come over to Jisung's place. They rarely have the time to meet up now because their schedules always clash. At least that's what Jisung tells them. Most times, he just can't find it in him to go out and meet them.
Hyunjin is there quicker than Jisung expects, so maybe he was already in the area.
Jisung pours a glass of juice for Hyunjin, who seems rather exhausted. "How have you been? You look tired." He says bluntly, handing Hyunjin the cup. He ignores the way his heart pounds when their fingers touch.
Hyunjin looks much gloomier than Jisung remembers from last time. "I've just been thinking a lot. Hard to sleep when your brain won't turn off."
Jisung nods because he understands. That explains most of his nights.
They are silent for a few minutes. Hyunjin is staring at his drink for no reason, and Jisung is tracing shapes on the counter as he thinks of something to say. He can't think of anything, which sucks because he wants to talk to Hyunjin. He sighs internally at the silence, shuffling his weight from foot to foot.
"Sungie, do you want a hug?" Hyunjin asks softly, setting his cup on the counter.
Jisung's eyes flick up to Hyunjin, seeing the sincerity all over his face. No one has ever asked him that. Even though it was such a simple, stupid thing, Jisung feels his eyes well up a bit. He hasn't answered yet but Hyunjin knows.
In a split second, he's in front of Jisung, wrapping his arms around the younger's waist. Jisung is still for a few seconds before he buries his head into the crook of Hyunjin's neck. Hyunjin rubs his back gently, coaxing a shaky sigh out of him.
"Why don't you come out with us anymore, Sungie?"
Jisung doesn't answer because he doesn't know either. Maybe just seeing Felix and Seungmin together makes him bitter inside. Controlling his emotions was one thing Jisung could never do well. He knows that if he were to go out, he would surely say something that would hurt them. It's his own problem, and he has never told anyone of how much it hurts to not be loved like that. Seungmin loves him, and Felix does too, but it's not the same because they have each other.
The older boy seems to be able to read his mind though, because he pulls away from the hug with concerned eyes.
"You know we'll always love you, right? I'd never let you be lonely." Hyunjin says softly, brushing his fingers over Jisung's ear.
He nods, placing his cheek on Hyunjin's shoulder with a sigh. They stay like that for a while, just hugging. Jisung feels his heart warm at the contact.
When he's twenty-three, something in Jisung breaks as he is admiring the way the light is reflecting Hyunjin's skin. The sky is grey, lit up by the bright golden-white moon.
He leans forward to kiss Hyunjin. Maybe it's a bit too rushed because his force knocks Hyunjin onto his back. The older stares at him with wide eyes. It reminds him of the first time he'd met Hyunjin, except now their places were swapped.
Jisung's cheeks burn bright as he looks away, unable to fight the smile on his face because he just kissed Hyunjin. It's Jisung's first kiss, which he thinks is kind of pathetic because he's twenty-three.
He knows that this definitely was not Hyunjin's first kiss, though he is stunned like it is. He wonders if it's a good thing or a bad thing. But he is not embarrassed because he knows that Hyunjin would never hurt him, even if he doesn't feel the same way.
A few seconds later, he knows that Hyunjin does, in fact, feel the same way because his plush lips are pressed against Jisung's again.
Hyunjin asks if he can stay with him tonight. Jisung agrees, of course, because it's Hyunjin and he would never turn the boy away.
He's now wearing the clothes that Jisung had handed him before. The sweatpants are a little short for him, but to Jisung, it's cute. Hyunjin is sitting on the edge of the bed, and Jisung is confused because it's a double bed, so it is big enough for both of them to lie comfortably.
Jisung furrows his eyebrows. "You're not even close to taking up half of the bed."
He sits down on the bed, waiting for Hyunjin to come closer but he doesn't move so he takes matters into his own hands. He pulls on Hyunjin's arm, trying to bring him closer to the middle. It's useless because he is weak and Hyunjin is much bigger than he is. At least it makes Hyunjin laugh. The older man's hand shoot up Jisung's side, making him squeal.
"H-hey!" He laughs breathlessly, trying to wrestle Hyunjin. He thinks back to when they were nineteen and play-fought on the bed while Seungmin and Felix watched a movie.
Eventually, Hyunjin backs down, letting the younger boy pin his arms to the mattress. The grin on his face is definitely worth it. Jisung leans down, his knees on either side of Hyunjin's stomach, smiling as wide as ever. Hyunjin's heart flutters at how pure the interaction is, because it's Jisung and he is nothing if not pure. Jisung's heart-shaped lips feel as nice as they look, and Hyunjin simply cannot wait for Jisung to lean down more. He lifts his head up, threading his fingers into the hair at the back of Jisung's head. They kiss until they are both breathless. It could be the shortage of oxygen, or just Hyunjin, but Jisung's head is spinning a little.
"Can I tell you something?" Hyunjin asks softly as Jisung lays beside him. "I've never dated anyone before."
"I know," Jisung hums. "I'm not your best friend for nothing." He takes Hyunjin's hand, playing with his slender fingers.
"Right." Hyunjin nods, but before he can say anything else, Jisung is speaking.
"We don't have to date. We can just hang out like we used to."
"And kiss, too?" His voice is small, almost like he's scared of getting scolded.
"Of course," Jisung assures him because he likes kissing Hyunjin, he likes being with Hyunjin, and he doesn't want that to stop.
They lay tangled up until they hear the morning birds. Jisung's eyes open at the song, turning towards the weight on his chest. Hyunjin's hair tickles his chin as he stirs. His arms are wrapped around Jisung's waist, almost too tight for either of them to be comfortable, but neither of them moves.
"Hey," Hyunjin calls out softly, looking up to Jisung. Jisung hums in response, running his fingers through his silk-like hair. "I like you."
"I like you too." Jisung whispers, pressing his lips to Hyunjin's forehead.
His heart is racing because it is Hwang Hyunjin, who he met four years ago at a shitty party, who is way too good for him in any and every way, who has had so many people fall in love with him and his beauty. And yet, it is Hyunjin who has stayed by his side, who he had his first kiss with, who had helped him move into his apartment, who had assured him that everything would be okay, even without his parents. It is Hyunjin, someone who loves him as much as he loves them.
So maybe Jisung will be alone, but at least he'll be alone with Hyunjin.