Work Text:
One day you will understand
Why I pushed you away as I am
And you will find a better man than I am
Trust, I'm doing you a favor, doing you a favor
Despicable
I'm just a bottom feeder
- Despicable, Grandson
Midoriya Izuku is perfectly fine, on the outside, he’s the picture of a healthy youth with just a little too much stress on his plate. He smiles and he smiles and smiles until the edges of his cheeks hurt but that’s what All Might does, he never is not smiling, always reassuring those who find comfort in it. So, as the mantle for All Might’s new power, it’s his duty to always be smiling as well.
He doesn’t talk about the hours when he’s by himself because well- he’s never alone any more. Just because when he was younger he pulled the blade out of his mum’s razor and-
Because he doesn’t do that, not anymore.
(There are other ways to punish himself for being a useless, quirkless, good for not-)
So Izuku smiles, he smiles his way through primary school despite the sheer pressure that Kacchan puts on him. He’s a quirkless idiot, not going to get anywhere in life, will never be a hero.
He’s always wanted to be the kind of hero that makes people smile, that makes people feel safe. Ever since he saw All Might appear on the TV, saving people, inspiring younger generations, he just- he has to do that.
It’s before U.A that Kacchan tells him to kill himself and he wants to scream, if he were to kill himself, right here, right now. The consequences? Probably not much, but he wants to scream and cry to Kacchan of how could you be so dumb?
(And another insidious part of him whispers that maybe he should just listen to Kacchan after all, Kacchan knows best right? He's better than you in every as-)
“Midoriya! Don’t forget lunch today!” Iida says, chopping his hands with the vigour of his usual composure.
It’s a Sunday at the Heights Alliance and the three have gotten the permission to go out for a small lunch. So, today, he can’t kill himself you see? He has a lunch with his friends and that means that he has to be alive for that.
Maybe later.
That’s what he’s been telling himself for a while now, that there’s a new movie he’s wanted to see, that a new song is coming out- excuses, excuses. The voice that lives in his ear like a snake seems to be some rendition of Kacchan for some funny reason.
Does anyone know? No, he’s too good of an actor he thinks.
Idly, he wonders if there’s a universe in which he became an actor – he’d be good at it.
Sometimes, the days where the hours stretch on and on, a timeless basis for him to ponder about all of the little what-ifs buried deep within the plasticine presence of his personality. Would his mum be alright? Would the world be safer considering Mirio-senpai would’ve gotten One For All? Probably.
Those are the days he concerns people most about, most healthy people – aside for maybe Tokoyami - don’t while the day away with stupid fantasies.
But you see, he can’t die, not without handing his quirk over to Mirio-senpai. He can’t die without knowing that Todoroki, Uraraka and Iida would be alright without him. He can’t die because his mother would be fucking devastated.
“Hey Midoriya.” Todoroki peels off from his doorframe as he exits his room, bearing a barely noticeable frown etched upon his face. “You still going out for lunch?”
“Yeah, with Uraraka and Iida.” He smiles so widely it hurts his cheeks.
“Hmm, do you want to spar when you get back?” Todoroki asks and something flutters within his deadened chest because Todoroki wants to spar with him.
“Of course Todoroki, do you have permission off Aizawa-sensei?”
“Mm, I’ll get that while you three are out.” Todoroki says and turns away.
He turns away from the retreating form of Todoroki, he’s so cute and kind to Midoriya. He likes to think that if he wasn’t so broken and empty inside, he’d like to date Todoroki.
“Hey guys!” He calls out across the common room to Iida and Uraraka.
They might only be going out for ramen – but they don’t usually get lunches out due to the persevering diligence of the League of Villains. Luckily for them, Midnight and Present Mic were going out anyway, with the permission to be in the same ramen bar with them, they were finally allowed out of the Height’s Alliance.
“Fff, how are you two going with All Might’s assignment?” Uraraka huffs out as they walk down the street, Yamada-sensei and Nemuri-sensei trailing behind them – barely inconspicuous – as their escort.
“I’ll admit, it was a little more challenging than I would have thought from All Might-sensei but it has been fruitful to learn about the different costume groups of the world.” Iida says with a small smile. “I hope you’ve been taking it seriously Uraraka.”
“Of course mum.” Uraraka pats Iida’s arm, causing him to splutter for a moment.
Izuku laughs at them, “I dunno Uraraka, I agree with Iida, it’s fascinating to learn who makes our suits so dexterous to move in. Especially the materials used to accommodate for different quirks…”
The trio talk about whatever the hell they want while they order their ramen, a complication Izuku hadn’t considered was that he was not that hungry, he had simply ordered as a force of habit. Now, staring at the source of all difficulties within his life, the scent of the broth wafting to his nose.
Inhaling shakily he takes a sip, remembering that Uraraka and Iida would be concerned if he didn’t eat. It’s okay, he can make up for the moment of weakness later.
Maybe one day, somebody will realise that his smiles are fake and his words are dripping in saccharine, they might figure how tightly he clings to the things he still has to do, the things he can’t give up in this world.
Maybe one day he’ll be able to look Kacchan in the eye and ask him why he thought it was a good idea to instil thoughts of terror within his head.
But, not now when it feels like he’ll never be able to breathe easy from the weight of too many people counting on him.
He's despicable.