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“C’mon Chidi! Don’t be such a stick in the mud. It will be fine. What’s the worst that could happen?”
“You’re really asking me that? Hold on, I can make a list.”
“We’re already dead, dude. So that has to take at least half of the items off your list.” Eleanor huffed in annoyance. To think she’d actually thought that Chidi was making progress on being less lame. Ha, clearly she’d been mistaken.
“I guess – well yeah, that does make some of the possibilities less likely” Chidi admitted reluctantly.
“And we can’t get arrested, being dead and all.”
“That’s true…”
“So what’s the problem then?” She watched as Chidi got that look on his face that meant he was thinking really hard and desperate for an answer. Eleanor could practically hear the gears turning in his brain.
“I’ve never tried it, so I just don’t think it’s a good idea” he said finally, shrugging.
“Exactly!” Eleanor exclaimed, hopping up off the couch. They’d just finished Chidi’s moral philosophy lesson of the day. Since the topic had been hedonism, a type of consequentialism, Eleanor had found herself actually interested for at least a quarter of the class. Now she wanted Chidi to do something for her, but convincing him to let loose a little was turning out to be impossible. “You’ve never done it, so how can you judge? I’ve done it, like, a bazillion times, and it’s no biggie.”
Chidi started to pace back and forth across the room and she could see the sweat breaking out across his brow. Maybe that was a good sign. Sweating and pacing meant he was struggling with a decision, so he was at least considering it. She had a chance.
After a few minutes of watching Chidi walk back and forth across the room without making a decision, Eleanor ran out of patience. “I should have just asked Jason” she muttered, rolling her eyes at his overreaction. She really should have seen this coming, she reminded herself. Just because Chidi had been the tiniest bit less uptight didn’t mean he was suddenly cool.
“Yes!” Chidi said, spinning to face her. “You should. Go on over there, I’m sure he’s not busy. He’s probably just eating hot wings and playing Grand Theft Auto or whatever.”
“Obviously. But the whole point is for us to do something together” Eleanor reminded him. “I’ve been doing this whole ethics thing for, like, ever. And all I want you to do is smoke a little with me. It’ll be fun – a bonding experience.”
“We probably can’t even do it. It’s the Good Place, after all, maybe marijuana is against the rules.”
Eleanor shot him a withering look. “Janet!”
“Hello” Janet said, popping into the room.
“Hey, quick question. Are we allowed to do drugs in the Good Place?” Eleanor asked, ignoring the fact that Chidi winced just hearing the words spoken out loud.
“Yes” Janet chirped. “Would you like me to get you some? What would you like? Cocaine? Heroin?”
“What? No!” Chidi exclaimed, looking quite scandalized. Even Eleanor was a little taken aback. She had thought there’d be some kind of limit to what they could get, but now that she knew it was a real free for all…
“No, but thanks for the offer” she said, throwing her arm around Janet’s shoulder. “We could use a little pot, though.”
“Sure” Janet said, a baggie appearing in her hand. “Will this do? It’s Bubba Kush. Or I can get another kind for you, if you’d like. Blue Amnesia? Arjan’s Haze?”
“Uh, wow” Eleanor said, looking pleasantly surprised. “I’m sure this will be fine. I appreciate the variety though, good to know. Why don’t you pop over to Jason and offer him some. I’m sure he’ll be stoked.”
“Ok” Janet said, blinking out of the room, leaving Eleanor holding the baggie and Chidi looking a little nauseous.
“Ok man, calm down, or you’re going to start freaking me out.” He was starting to breathe faster and she was worried he was going to hyperventilate or something. She dragged him over to the couch and pushed him down. “Ok. New plan. How about some kind of edible? Then it’s just eating a little snack, you’ll feel nice and calm, relaxed, and we’re all good. No rolling anything, smoking it. Just eating. You like eating, right?”
“I guess.” He thought about her proposition and while he still wasn’t thrilled with it, it did somehow seem less…bad.
“Perfect. Janet!”
“Yes?” Eleanor couldn’t help but smile every time Janet winked into existence. It would never get old.
“We changed our minds.”
“Oh, ok” Janet said brightly, holding out her hand.
“Oh no, that’s alright, I’ll just hang onto this” Eleanor said, stuffing the baggie into her back pocket. “But what kind of pot-laced snackies can you rustle up for us?”
“Let’s see.” She closed her eyes for two seconds, opening them again and holding out her hands, suddenly filled with cookies, brownies, cupcakes, gummy bears, and lollipops.
“Whoa, nice! Ok Chidi, what’s calling your name?” She rubbed her hands together excitedly.
He looked over the proffered array of snacks, getting that same old panicked look that he always did when presented with too many choices.
“Stop! No. Don’t overthink. First thing that comes to your mind” Eleanor urged. “Ready? Go!”
“Um, cupcake?” he said hesitantly.
“Cupcake it is!” She plucked the cupcake from Janet’s hand. “Thanks.”
“You bet.” And poof, she was gone again.
“Alright, here we go” Eleanor said gleefully, turning to Chidi. He was eying the confection as if it were about to leap out of her hand and attack him. “Stop freaking out” she said, plopping down onto the couch next to him. Chidi watched warily, perching on the edge of the seat.
“Normally I’d make these myself, so I’d know how strong they are, but since Janet got them from…wherever she gets things, we’ll just eat half.” She peeled back the paper, licking off bits of frosting that clung to it. “Vanilla, yum. Ooh, and look, its funfetti! Fun.”
“Fun” Chidi repeated, still staring at the cupcake uncertainly.
Breaking it in half, Eleanor handed Chidi his piece, watching him cringe at the crumbs that spilled on his lap. Taking a big bite, she chewed thoughtfully.
“This is really good” she exclaimed through a full mouth, making Chidi cringe again. “Sometimes they can definitely taste a little weed-y.”
Finishing her half and licking the remaining frosting off her fingers, she turned her attention to Chidi who still hadn’t moved, the half cupcake sitting in his palm. “Well? Go on” she insisted.
Bringing it to his lips cautiously, he took the tiniest nibble. “It tastes like a cupcake” he said, sounding surprised.
“Well, doy. It is a cupcake. But I have to say, it is maybe just a little better than mine were. And a lot less work. I could get used to this whole Good Place thing.” She watched happily as Chidi, somehow relieved by the normal taste of the cupcake, ate the whole thing.
“Now what?” he asked, leaning back against the couch.
“Now we wait. Once it kicks in, you’re gonna love it.”
“Well, if we have some time, we could get back to discussing consequentialism, this time turning to utilitarianism and –”
“Oh good, I was hoping we’d have time to squeeze a little more in.”
“Your sarcasm is noted. So, if you turn to the next chapter…” Chidi said, walking back over to the blackboard and picking up his chalk.
“Uuuugh” Eleanor groaned loudly. Leave it to Chidi.
---
An hour later, Chidi still wasn’t feeling anything. Eleanor on the other hand, was happily munching on a bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos that she’d requested from Janet and was relaxing contentedly on the couch.
“Maybe I’m immune or something” Chidi shrugged.
“You can’t be immune, it doesn’t work that way” Eleanor snorted, throwing a Cheeto at him.
No sooner were the words out of his mouth than a wave of feeling washed over him, starting at his head, down his arms, all the way to his toes. It felt briefly like being drunk, and Chidi froze, concentrating on the sensation.
“How it going over there, buddy?” Eleanor asked, sitting up. She noticed that he’d fallen uncharacteristically silent.
“I— I’m not sure.”
“Want a Cheeto?” she said, offering him the bag.
“No.” He shook his head, wondering at the odd feeling. It wasn’t so bad, but it wasn’t what he had expected either. His arms felt heavy and everything around him seemed slightly…unreal.
“Well, how are you feeling? Relaxed? Like you can finally chill out a little? Do you love it?”
“Not really.” In fact, Chidi could feel his heart racing. If he’d still been alive, he’d be afraid of having a heart attack. But he couldn’t have one here, he assumed. Though he could still get stomach aches, so maybe he could? No. Thinking that was wasn’t helping anything, it just made his heart pound faster.
“I think I need to lay down for a second” he said, sliding down on the couch and stretching out as much as he could. Eleanor scooched over a little to give him more room.
“Ok, sure, go for it. Whatever you’re feeling, man” she said encouragingly. “I’m just gonna go run next door real quick and see if Jason took Janet up on our offer. I bet he’ll want some Cheetos.” She grabbed the bag off the couch and hurried out the door.
Chidi lay there for a minute, trying to talk himself out of the freak out that he could feel coming on. He focused on breathing, trying first to fall asleep or, when that didn’t work, to sober up. Neither appeared possible by sheer force of will.
He tried to sit up, realizing that his arms felt numb and were taking too long to respond to his brain’s command to move. Oh no, I’m going to be paralyzed, he thought, panicking. He stared down at his fingers, willing them to move. When one twitched, he sighed in relief.
Forcing himself to stand, he ignored his pounding heart and began pacing back and forth across Eleanor’s living room. He just knew that if he stopped moving, he would be paralyzed and would never be able to move again. He had to keep moving or die, like a shark. Back and forth, back and forth.
He turned, hearing the door open as Eleanor came back. The Cheetos were gone, but by her orangish-red stained fingertips, Chidi assumed that she’d eaten most, if not all of them.
“What’s going on there, buddy” she said too calmly, the way you would speak to a spooked animal, as she watched him pace franticly in front of her.
“I can’t move.”
“Well… you are moving right now” she pointed out gently, sensing that maybe everything wasn’t going as smoothly as she had promised it would.
“Right now, yes. But if I stop, I’m going to be paralyzed. I almost couldn’t move before, but then my finger moved, so I knew I had to keep going.”
“Oh boy.” Eleanor sucked in a deep breath, letting it go slowly. “This is not what I had in mind. And honestly, I’m pretty high to have to deal with this right now.”
She walked over to Chidi, wrapping an arm around his shoulder gently. Leading him over to the couch, she sat him down, watching over him for a second.
“Janet!”
“Yes?”
“Hey Janet, can we get a tv in here real quick?”
“Sure.” A tv popped up right in front of the tv, a commercial blaring on the screen.
“Super, thanks Janet.”
As Janet poofed back out of the room, Eleanor plopped down next to Chidi.
“Alright, goofball. We’re just gonna find something to watch, you just focus on that and not on whatever is happening here” she said, waving a hand around in front of his face. “It will wear off soon and then we’ll be all good to go, ok?”
“Ok” Chidi mumbled, staring at the screen as she flipped through the stations, looking for something mindless to zone out to.
“Ooh, how about this baking show? God, now I want a cupcake. Another cupcake, I guess.” She made herself laugh, ignoring Chidi’s lack of amusement. “Alright, let’s just sit back and watch these people make cupcakes, huh?”
And they did, sagging back against the couch bonelessly, Eleanor practically drooling over the crazy cupcakes the teams were making. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Chidi twitch every now and again, watching his thumb move, seemingly relieved that he wasn’t paralyzed.
Hours later, Eleanor yawned, exhausted. She desperately wanted to go to sleep, but Chidi was still up, staring at the tv silently.
“Hey, man. How are you doing?”
“A little better, I think. Maybe I’ll lay down now” he said, tilting sideways and just laying down right where he was on the couch.
“Ok, buddy. That’s good, you’re really hanging in there. I’m proud of you.” Eleanor grabbed a blanket from the back of the couch and spread it over him. “You just rest, close your eyes if you feel like it. I’m going to go lay down in my bed, so if you need anything, you just let me know ok” she explained soothingly. She watched him close his eyes before tiptoeing towards the bedroom.
“Well, never suggesting this again” she muttered to herself, yawning again.
Chidi was never going to let her hear the end of this.