Chapter Text
It’s unsettling how in one moment, your life can go off course completely. It’s like how one hijink in a string of code can alter the structure and function of program. Or, how one missed beat can throw off an entire performance.
One moment can leave you feeling helpless, suspended in air. Tear down your defenses, hurt you in ways not thought possible. A fire burning at your feet, and you’re drowning in the smoke but rendered utterly useless.
It’s debilitating. Crushing at your chest, suffocating you no matter how hard you gasp for air, beg for mercy.
It’s always with you.
-
Jaemin knew that joining the entertainment industry wouldn’t be easy. This, however, was not something he’d anticipated.
It’s cloudy the day Dream meets their new manager.
The man is stocky, wide shouldered and muscly, but not particularly tall. He looks on the younger side, the only sign of age being the soft smile lines around his eyes.
His lips are kindly upturned when he shakes each of the dreamies hands, introducing himself (“Park Shiwoo, nice to meet you. I’ll be your manager from now on”). His seemingly gentle charisma and jolliness gaining favour within minutes. If there’s anything off about him, it flies over everyone’s heads.
It’s said when confronted with a despicable person, you’ll get an uncontrollable gut-feeling and, somehow, you’ll just know that they’re no-good.
Jaemin would argue that this is not true. If it is, the man surely deserves an Oscar for his impeccable acting.
Their introductions don’t last long before the group is whisked off to practice, but the impressionable teens have already made up their mind on the new manager. The man has gained their trust.
(And that’s the first mistake).
-
A manager always stays at the Dream dorm. No one really questions it, leaving a group of teenage boys alone near constantly is a terrible idea, plain and simple.
The managers take it in shifts. A day and a night at a time, the three managers switching in and out.
It’s not long before Shiwoo has his first shifts. The new manager presents himself as laidback and fun, and the teens are excited to finally spend some time with him.
It’s everything they expect. He lets them get away with eating junk and stirring up trouble. He doesn’t complain when they act immature, in fact, he plays along with them the majority of the time, while still maintaining his position as manager.
Quickly, he becomes an integral part of their little family.
It only takes a few weeks for the first incident to happen.
-
Shiwoo’s sitting in on their dance practice. Jaemin’s foot won’t stop slipping on this one part, and as if he’s not already frustrated enough, he can feel the gazes of his members and manager on him.
“I’m sorry, I’ll get this,” he mutters frustratedly as they restart the music yet again. Everyone looks tired after hours of practice, and Jaemin feels terrible for keeping them at the studio with his stupid mistakes. He steels himself and lets his body perform the dance.
When the dreaded part comes, he takes extra care to do it perfectly. He heaves a relieved sigh as it passes without mistake. They finish the dance without problem, tired smiles painted on their faces as they realize they can go back to the dorm at last.
Shiwoo doesn’t look as happy, but Jaemin tries to ignore his usually kind manager’s scowl.
They’re walking out of the studio when Shiwoo says it.
“You did really bad today, Jaemin.” It’s said quietly when Shiwoo and him are walking a few paces behind the rest of the group.
It’s not big, it shouldn’t bother Jaemin as much as it does, but he still finds himself frowning in hurt.
“I’ll make sure do to better next time,” he responds, trying to keep the upset out of his voice. Shiwoo smiles, increasing his pace to catch up with the others.
“Yeah, you better.”
It’s only one comment, but Jaemin suddenly doesn’t feel nearly as comfortable around the manager as he did before.
-
It doesn’t escalate very quickly, but it doesn’t get better either.
Generally, it’s just Shiwoo making passive-aggressive comments towards Jaemin, nothing as outright as telling him how bad he did, or how bad he is, but there’s nothing reassuring or comforting about the way the manager treats him.
He just assumes that he’s the managers least favourite, and he can live with it. He can’t be everyone’s favourite at all times. That being said, not being liked by the manager certainly hurts, especially seeing how happily Shiwoo interacts with the other dreamies.
Jaemin begins to feel like an outsider in his own home when Shiwoo is around. The other teens always choose to spend their time with the older man when it’s his shift, but it’s clear he doesn’t want Jaemin around, and frankly, at this point Jaemin would rather avoid the damage being around the manager may constitute.
It’s one of Shiwoo’s days, so Jaemin is isolated yet again. Typically, he spends these days alone in his room, at the studio, or at a different dorm. Today is no different. He’s in his room scrolling through Twitter while everyone is outside having fun.
Well, that is until Shiwoo himself waltzes into Jaemin’s room without knocking, looking bothered. His arms are crossed, brows furrowed in aggravation.
“Listen,” He starts, voice coated in annoyance, “I don’t know what your problem is, and I don’t know what I could have possibly done, but everyone thinks it’s weird that you’re not joining us, so get your ass out of here.” Jaemin has to suppress a scoff at his manager’s ignorance. Not knowing what he did to make Jaemin dislike him? Who knows, maybe treating him like dirt compared to the other dreamies?
He rolls his eyes, shoving his phone into his pocket and swinging his legs off the bed. Shiwoo glares at him, stepping forward to size Jaemin up.
“Excuse me? Did you actually just roll your eyes at me?” He rhetorically asks, eyes narrowed. Quick to irrational anger, Jaemin mentally notes.
Jaemin isn’t scared of the man by any means. He’s sure he would never lay a hand on him, so the boy retorts back.
“Yeah, so what? Am I not allowed to be annoyed?” And logically, Jaemin knows he should have some respect, but why should he give any to this man when all he does is disrespect Jaemin himself?
He realizes soon that his response was a mistake.
Shiwoo grabs the collar of the younger’s shirt and pulls him forward. Jaemin’s body goes cold in a mix of surprise and fear, but he still stares the man in the eyes.
“I swear, if you ever disrespect me again, you’ll regret it with every pathetic fibre of your being,” the manager hisses, figure stiff, “You hear me?” Jaemin’s eyes are wide now. He gulps nervously, and nods slowly. He attempts to step backwards, but Shiwoo’s grip is tight.
“Let me hear you say it,” the man’s voice grits. Jaemin, without hitch, mumbles,
“I won’t disrespect you, I hear you loud and clear.” The older man pushes Jaemin backwards slightly when he lets go, and turns to walk out of the room.
“Good. Now come join us.”
Jaemin really doesn’t want to, but clearly he was wrong in thinking the manager wouldn’t stoop so low as to getting physical, and the man would certainly interpret his resistance as being disrespectful. Jaemin tries to steady his heart rate, shaken up from the encounter, as he follows Shiwoo outside.
“Nana, you joined us!” Jeno cheers as Jaemin joins them, and immediately attaches himself to the younger’s side. With the boy by his side, Jaemin can feel the shaking in his hands calm.
-
It’s Friday, and all of NCT are hanging out together. It’s their weekly to biweekly “family” night, no staff controlling their every move. It’s Kun who brings it up.
“So, how have your managers been recently?” He asks, gently smiling. It’s no secret that their managers can be overbearing and less-than-friendly at times, but there have never been any real conflicts or problems. As per usual, the majority of the Dreamies talk up Shiwoo as if he’s the best person they’ve ever met, and Jaemin has to suppress a grimace.
“What about you, Jaemin?” Mark asks him. Jaemin hums thoughtfully.
“I dunno, I’m not a huge fan of him, that’s just me though,” he decides, swirling his cup slowly in his hand.
“What?!” Chenle gawks, “but he’s so nice! What’s there to possibly dislike?” The boy’s voice is loud and attracts the rest of the room’s attention. Jaemin suddenly feels pressured under their gazes.
“I just get a bad feeling from him is all,” he laughs awkwardly, hoping to end the conversation then and there. It’s quiet for a moment, before Donghyuck announces,
“Y’know, you can have your own opinion, that’s alright.” Jaemin silently sends him a thankful look, and tries to ignore the questioning one he receives in return.
The night carries on, the conversation forgotten (seemingly). At some point, they put on a movie, but it’s only background noise to the band’s insistent chatter. Jaemin is taking part in an empty debate on which way eggs are best cooked (it’s obviously poached medium on toast, god) when Donghyuck tugs him away to the couch.
“Hey Hyuckie,” Jaemin smiles. The shorter boy has been staying at the 127 dorm to practice and promote in the unit, so Jaemin hasn’t seen him in a while.
“So,” he begins, “why don’t you like Shiwoo-hyung?” Donghyuck asks innocently, playing with Jaemin’s fingers. He sighs, he should have known this is why his friend wants to talk to him.
“He just likes the others more than me, so I feel a bit, like, alone? When he stays in the dorm, I mean, because the guys always want to be around him and I don’t want to intrude and, agh, it’s stupid,” Jaemin groans, dragging his hands down his face. He purposely leaves everything about the aggressive comments and the incident in the bedroom out. Donghyuck smacks the back of Jaemin’s head.
“You stupid idiot,” he sighs, “maybe if you spent more time around him, he’d like you more. You know, thinking logically.” Jaemin smiles bitterly, rubbing the back of his head.
“Yeah, maybe.” Donghyuck frowns at him, but lets it go.
“Anyways,” Jaemin diverts the conversation, “Mark, eh?” He smiles evilly as Donghyuck squacks.
-
If Jaemin was uncomfortable with Shiwoo before, his discomfort is now on a whole new level. It’s ascended the mortal plane.
Jaemin pretends he doesn’t feel the man’s eyes constantly following him, tracking his every move. He pretends he’s not constantly nervous the man is going to fulfill his threat. Jaemin has no idea what regretting with every fibre of his being entails, and he’s not particularly keen on finding out.
Alas, it was only a matter of time.
It’s stupid, honestly. Jaemin is fooling around with Renjun and Jeno. They all rough house once in a while, and everyone understands that. They never get in trouble for it, it’s what friends do. No one ever gets hurts, they know when to stop, but Shiwoo clearly doesn’t understand that (except, of course, when it’s Renjun and Chenle, or Donghyuck and Jisung, or anyone that’s not Jaemin, really).
So maybe Jaemin accidentally pushes Renjun a little bit too hard, but the older boy just laughs when he falls to the ground. He’s not hurt, that much is obvious when he hops up from the ground without any struggle, yet Jaemin can still see the sharp glare Shiwoo is sending him.
He isn’t surprised when the manager pulls him aside, it’s clear Shiwoo is angry with him, but he doesn’t expect anything particularly bad as he hadn’t disrespected the man at all. Shiwoo gets him alone in a spare room, and Jaemin is thankful that he at least won’t be humiliated in front of his friends.
He’s shocked when, out of nowhere, Shiwoo grabs a handful of his hair and pulls his head backwards. His neck strains and he can’t help a yelp that slips from his throat.
“What were you thinking?” The manager growls. “You could have seriously injured someone, why do you see it as okay to attack your group members?” There’s venom in the man’s words, his eyes narrowed. Jaemin thinks it’s irrational how irked the older is over such a juvenile situation, and he honestly doesn’t know why that anger is taken out on him.
“We were just playing, it wasn’t only me,” Jaemin rasps, the pull on his neck making breathing increasingly difficult. The now violent manager tugs his head back further, making Jaemin gasp in pain.
“Don’t make excuses for bullying, Jaemin, we all know what you were doing,” he taunts, letting go of Jaemin’s hair only to grip the boy’s forearm tightly. Jaemin makes an effort to tug his arm out of Shiwoo’s grasp, to no avail. The man uses his other hand to grab Jaemin’s fighting arm.
“I don’t understand,” Jaemin musters, “I wasn’t bullying them, we were just having fun, we do it all the time,” he tries to explain, but the shorter man is having none of it.
“How do you think Renjun and Jeno feel with you constantly hurting them, or how Chenle and Jisung feel knowing that you’re such a bad person. I bet they don’t feel like they can trust you. Oh,” he laughs, seeming to be getting a real kick out of making Jaemin question himself completely, “I wonder how all of your hyungs would feel knowing you’re taunting and bullying your so-called family?”
Jaemin resists the urge to cry as he struggles against the man’s grip. Is he really that bad? Is he actually bullying them? And it shouldn’t, because he knows what just happened, knows that Renjun wasn’t actually hurt and he isn’t trying to harm them, but Shiwoo’s speech makes him think that he really is a bully. That, Jaemin reasons, is probably why the manager has been watching him so closely; because he’s a threat to the group. He feels terrible that he’s been mistreating his members, and he knows he needs to apologize immediately.
He tries to shake himself out of it, because a part of him is screaming ‘No! Shiwoo is wrong, you’re doing nothing wrong, ignore him!’ but a larger part of him is convinced that he truly is the villain in this situation.
Jaemin’s arms ache from the killer hold Shiwoo has on them, and when he glances down for a second he can see an irritated pink peeking out from under the man’s fingers.
“I didn’t mean to hurt them, I really didn’t,” he tries to defend, but it’s weak and he’s not sure he himself even believes it.
“Sure you didn’t,” Shiwoo says with a curl of his lip, but then his condescending smile drops, “And lying? What did I say about respect?”
Jaemin’s body tenses, straight as a board in a second flat. Seeing as the man clearly isn’t afraid to get physical, the idol is scared to see what the manager might have in store for him. Shiwoo releases his arms, and Jaemin can’t help but take a quick step backwards. The man smiles sadistically.
“Hmm, I think you learned your lesson for today. I’ll be watching you more closely from now on, Na Jaemin,” Shiwoo drawls, a mean glint in his eyes. Jaemin, with his arms and neck still hurting, watches wide-eyed.
“Make sure to go and apologize to your friends. Oh, and don’t mention this little talk, or you’ll get it a lot worse next time,” he says as he walks towards the door and exits.
When Jaemin glances down at his arms, he can tell they’re going to bruise. The pink spots are already darkening, bordering on purple. He has a headache from the pull on his hair, and his neck will probably be sore for days following. He can’t help but notice the way his hands are shaking, and it makes him feel pathetic. Jaemin is strong, self-assured, and happy. This single event shouldn’t be making him feel so scared and hurt, should it?
A few minutes later, he’s out of the room and goes off to find his best friends.
Renjun and Jeno are in their room when Jaemin finds them, as expected. He feels so terrible for hurting them, he never even stopped to consider they might not have as much fun as Jaemin does when they all rough-house. He can’t help his nerves when he knocks on the open door and both heads snap away from their conversation and to him.
“Hey, what’s up?” Renjun asks, smiling and in no way looking scared or annoyed at the youngest in the room.
(Jaemin never stops to consider that Shiwoo could be lying, nor does he stop to question why he immediately believes the man, it’s just something about the way he speaks that’s got Jaemin so utterly convinced).
“I’m sorry for bothering and hurting you guys so much, I never stopped to consider how you feel. I hope I can make it up to you somehow, and you can eventually forgive me,” Jaemin says without warning as he bows in apology.
When he lifts back up, both Renjun and Jeno look very confused.
“What-” Jeno cuts himself off right away, shaking his head, eyes blinking as if not quite processing what was just said, “What do you mean ‘bothering and hurting’ us? You do neither of those things?” He tries to reassure the other boy, but he’s bewildered and it comes out as more of a question than a reassurance.
“I saw the way I shoved you today, Injun, and I could see that it must have hurt. I realized that I do that very often, not only to you, so I wanted to apologize because I’ve been in the wrong,” he speaks formally, calculated. Both of the teens in front of him still wear puzzled expressions.
“Where did this come from, Nana? We always do that, it’s nothing to apologize for,” Renjun tells him, and Jaemin wants to believe it, he really does.
“Uh, okay? Still,” Jaemin eloquently finishes before turning on his heel and rushing out of the room.
He doesn’t see the confused and worried glances Jeno and Renjun exchange.
-
The next incident happens only a few days later.
The reasoning this time is beyond Jaemin.
No, seriously, he’s analyzed every thing he’s done down to the way he walks and breathes. There’s not possibly anything Shiwoo could be mad at. All Jaemin was doing was laughing and smiling, and certainly that couldn’t upset their manager. Surely, Shiwoo doesn’t want him miserable.
So, when he’s pulled away for the second time that week, Jaemin is at a complete loss.
Shiwoo spends exactly zero time getting to the point.
“I just thought you needed to be put into your place.” And what in the fresh hell is that supposed to mean?
“Put into my place? I’m sorry, sir, I don’t understand,” Jaemin tries (he hopes, prays, that calling him sir is enough to be perceived as respect, because the bruises from a couple days prior aren’t healed yet and he doesn’t want to add anymore to the collection). Shiwoo’s smile is unnerving, and Jaemin really just wants to run away.
“You’re just so smiley and happy and bright. You act as if you belong here, and it’s honestly rather pathetic,” the manager doesn’t hesitate to say what he’s thinking. Jaemin gawks at him.
“Forgive me if I’m wrong, sir, but is me smiling and acting happy a problem?” Jaemin asks, genuinely perplexed. The man laughs, clapping the idol on the back hard. The teen stumbles forward from the impact of it.
“Of course not. I just want you to know where you stand. Jaemin, I really like you, trust me. But that break of yours, it really put you behind everyone else. You’re the least deserving member in this group, I just want to help you get better,” Shiwoo informs, a (fake) kind smile appearing on his face. That smile makes Jaemin want to shutter.
“That break was because I had an injury,” is the only thing Jaemin can think to respond with. The man’s smile falls, and he steps closer to Jaemin.
(The comment on his break irks him. Shiwoo acts as if Jaemin didn’t spend so many hours in the studio, practicing and improving until he collapsed or had to be physically dragged out kicking and screaming).
“Do you ever learn?” The man asks, punctuating each word with a harsh poke to Jaemin’s chest. The teen brings his hand up to rest on the spot roughly poked at.
“Anyways,” He begins again, a step back and smile already resurfacing, “I offered my help, and you’re going to take it. You’ll belong in no time.”
Jaemin can’t lie- all the talk of him not belonging and not deserving his spot hurts a lot, but he guesses if Shiwoo is going to help him, there’s still some hope left. He sighs silently to himself, because if one person can see that he doesn’t belong, surely everyone can.
“Okay, I’ll take it,” Jaemin tells his manager, “Where do we start?”
Shiwoo’s smile brightens, and he happily clasps his hands together.
“Well,” his voice swings as he talks, and Jaemin is unsettled at how fast this man can switch from one mood to another.
“Extra dancing and vocal practices with me. I’ll record them so we know where you need to improve, and you have to accept my discipline, which shouldn’t be hard,” Shiwoo sounds excited, almost as if he’s plotting something. Jaemin has a terrible feeling about this.
“Remember- I’m giving up my precious time to help you, so you better be grateful, I don’t have to be doing this. It’s all for you,” Shiwoo reminds Jaemin, trying to get it stuck in the boys head that everything is going to be helping and improving him. Jaemin is nodding along thoughtfully.
“Oh, one more thing,” the manager starts, “You don’t tell anyone about this. None of your groupmates, none of the staff, no family, no one. This stays between us.”
“Okay, I can do that. Thank you for helping me,” Jaemin says, but he’s really not sure why it’s so important their arrangement stays private. He also can’t put a finger on why he agreed so easily, nor why Shiwoo’s words seem to get to him without any problem whatsoever.
-
Their first session is not fun.
It’s a Wednesday night, and Jaemin is working his ass off in a studio with Shiwoo critiquing his every move. There are recordings of the dances he’s practicing on his phone, which the manager currently has and is using to perfect Jaemin’s dancing.
Everytime Jaemin gets something wrong, the man shouts and shuts off the music, and makes the boy watch the video again. This would be fine, but Jaemin has been here hours and has redone each dance at least ten times, some far more. He’s long run out of water and his throat is begging him to hydrate, but Shiwoo refuses to let him get a drink before he can perform the dance perfectly (which proves difficult when your body is begging for rest, yet denied it).
At some point, Shiwoo snaps.
Jaemin is practicing Go, which he knows by heart and could probably do in his sleep, but his body is exhausted, so his footwork is lazy and he ends up stumbling. It’s a minor mistake and could can be easily recovered from, but Shiwoo already has the music off and is stomping towards Jaemin. His face shows only irritability, and Jaemin is overwhelmed with sudden anxiety.
The man doesn’t stop his quick pace until he gets in front of Jaemin. He abruptly stops, raises his hand and-
Jaemin is frozen to his spot. He hasn’t even processed the pain, he’s shocked.
Shiwoo slapped him. And hard, at that.
He lifts his hand to his cheek and tries not to wince when it makes contact. When he looks at himself in the mirror past Shiwoo’s head, he sees one of his cheeks is filled with a splotchy dark pink. He lets his eyes drift to the man still in front of him. Not an ounce of regret shows on the angry man’s face.
“You just hit me,” Jaemin states monotonously.
“Maybe I wouldn’t have had to if you just got your shit together,” Shiwoo retorts aggressively. Jaemin ignores him. He looks the man in the eye.
“You just hit me,” he says again, this time incredulity seeping into his voice. Suddenly, Shiwoo looks nervous. It’s not an expression Jaemin has seen the man wear before, it’s refreshing and kind of scary. His hand is still resting on his warm, stinging cheek.
“Listen kid,” Shiwoo begins, uncomfortable, “No one hears about this, okay? It’s just us.”
“Why shouldn’t I,” Jaemin challenges, “Why shouldn’t I tell someone?” He got hit, but he knows he holds the power in the conversation right now. He finds shouldn’t have thought that, though, as he immediately jinxes it.
“You deserved it, face it. Also, I could so easily go and help someone else in this group. You wouldn’t want that, would you? Let’s see, Chenle is pretty cute,” The man says, feigning thoughtfulness at the end of the statement. Jaemin feels a surge of protectiveness overtake him.
“Touch anyone else and I will kill you,” he snarls at the older man. Shiwoo, with all his nerve, laughs at that.
“Great, so I guess that means our deal still stands?” Jaemin is reluctant, but he cares about his friends too much. He doesn’t know he’s being manipulated, it slips over his head completely. How someone’s words can have such impact, skewer other people’s logic, is unbeknownst to Jaemin.
“I suppose that means it does,” Jaemin says quietly.
That’s the moment Shiwoo knows he’s won.
That night, Jaemin is sent home with a brand new bag of full coverage makeup and a few more bruises to accompany the one on his face.