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Emilio asks her what is wrong, but Rose doesn’t answer; she just turns around on the bed, closes her eyes and sheds a tear.
Luisa is gone, and her nightmares have returned to rattle her world over and over again all week, and that’s why she doesn’t – can’t – sleep, cause every time she closes her eyes, her thoughts bombard her mind with the image of those brown eyes full of tears.
But soon, the sun shine, and its rays softy move through the window to tickle her face, and the light warmly caresses in her skin as her blue eyes catch the rays of sunshine that hit the walls of her rooms while she cries under her sheets quietly, biting her knuckle to stop her sobs until Emilio leaves the room.
She misses Luisa more than she would like to admit, and just like a swarm of angry bees, her memories never leave her mind. And she wants, so desperately, to get rid of them, to all of them, but it's useless because she knows that this is the price you pay for all the pain you have caused to the only person who has loved you, so she accepts it, and she expresses it with anger and frustration and with fear.
Because now that Luisa isn't here with her anymore, she is starting to lose her grip, and her whole world is burning down, so she is finding it really hard not to lose herself in this chaos.
But it’s not just that easy as it seems, because she is not as strong as she thought once and she can’t handle it anymore. Because she swears that the sheets still smell like her, because she really needs her by her side and because she can’t forget her voice, she can’t forget that smile, she can’t forget those lips, those eyes, those hands…
And maybe, just maybe, it's easier to let herself go to drown in nostalgia, knowing that she’s alone in this feeling; knowing that Luisa will never know what she really feels about her; knowing that maybe, Luisa is better without her… and it hurts, and it feels like a solid punch in the ribs because she really loves Luisa, but she knows that Luisa will never know it.
And she is lost again, stuck in a loop that never ends until three knocks on the door make her wake up fully from her thoughts, and as Emilio moves towards her, she feels shivers down deep in her bones.
(She doesn’t want to stay here,
not anymore,
not without Luisa)
But suddenly, from the doorway, she sees her tipping her head back, laughing at something Rafael just said. And for a moment, Rose can barely breathe, and her eyes burn with tears she can’t let fall because Luisa is here, and it doesn’t feel real.
And she can hear her heart throbbing loudly in her ear when the brunette looks over at her and smiles, glowing with the first golden rays of sun. And just like that, with a simple smile, Rose totally loses her grip and something inside her just explodes and breaks into a million pieces that leaves a bitter taste, an empty yet heavy feeling in her chest because Luisa here, looking at her, and it feels like a nightmare.
So, she attempts to fill her lungs with air, but it's taking her years; and the second that passes until she is alone, hiding in the bathroom where nobody can see her, is the longest Rose has ever known. But now, her whole world is turned upside-down, and she feels the need to run away because, in an instant, everything has changed.
Luisa looks as beautiful as ever, because she looks happier, because she looks free.
And maybe it’s time for Rose to say goodbye to her, for real this time. But she can’t think about that moment, she can’t even think about the correct words to say it. Because she still imagines waking up next to the brunette every single morning in another lifetime, in another city, just in another circumstance, because this shouldn’t have happened like this, because she shouldn't have met Luisa being Rose.
But she closes her eyes and it feels like a thousand needles through her skin when she realizes she is living her own personal hell where she has to learn to live without those light brown eyes.
And it’s unfair, cause nobody had told her that any heart is not strong enough to take a lot of pain.
But she breathes, or at least she tries, and her knuckles have turned white from gripping the bathroom sink to hold herself from slipping away again, doing her best to fight it, but the door opens and Luisa rests her back on the closed door with a sigh.
And Rose understands she can't just run off; it isn't that easy.
But she wants so badly to put words together so she can talk to her, so she can say to Luisa the way she feels about her, but she just can't.
And she feels useless, and she is being selfish, and she hates herself.
But she tries her hardest to hold back those feelings of pain and hurt, swallowing down that huge lump in her throat which is almost choking her when she breathes. But it is impossible, because Luisa is here, next to her, looking down at the ground while curling a strand of hair around her ear as Rose breaks down silently, like every single night since Luisa told her she didn’t want to see her anymore.
“Are you okay?” Luisa whispers, and Rose nods quietly.
But her eyes are full of tears, and a blink makes them roll over her face.
And now, she doesn’t even hide them; she just let the tears roll down her cheeks; and Luisa understands her, and she just stays with her as Rose rips down the façade that she always wear, because for the first time, she feels like she doesn’t have to pretend; for the first time, she knows that she doesn’t have to hide herself anymore.
“It’s okay” Luisa murmurs, extending her hand out for Rose to hold. “It’s okay”
And Rose holds her hand out of instinct without looking at her, lacing their fingers together and it feels like waking up after a long nightmare, gasping for air, feeling alive. And at this point, she really lets herself go. She is not even holding up herself to avoid this strange cocktail of feelings, she just cries without shame all what she has been struggling with for so long next to the woman she loves.
“I don’t hate you” Luisa says, pulling her to look at those blue eyes. “And I can’t live without you, Rose.”
And those words make Rose weak in the knees, and she wants to hold on tight because she is not sure what is happening right now. But it feels as quickly as it comes, and before Rose could say anything, Luisa’s lips are all over her with such an intensity that it makes Rose realize that this is truth, that Luisa is here, kissing her, and Rose doesn’t hesitate, because she’s burning inside and the feeling doesn’t go away.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry for all what I did.” Rose cries and Luisa lean in, brushing her nose against Rose’s before kissing her forehead, her tears, her lips.
And Rose sobs into the kiss, tangling her fingers through her hair to pull her closer as her tears fall on her cheeks, feeling Luisa’s mouth still pressed desperate against her lips for a kiss neither of them wants to end. And Rose doesn’t care if Emilio or Rafael walks right in and see them kissing, because the only thing that matters right now is that Luisa is here, kissing her back with such a passion that brings her into life again.
And maybe, just maybe, now it's time things will work for them.