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“I love you for all that you are, all that you have been, all that you’re yet to be.” - Ernest Hemingway
She notices them straight away, huddled behind a crumbling wall as plasma rains down around them. They stick out like a sore thumb, their appearance so very out of place amongst the ruins of the battlefield, no weapons in sight and looking far too terrified to be native to this planet. Part of her - the part she usually tries to ignore, because it was forged in the darkness and encouraged by Kovarian - wants to leave them be; they got themselves into this mess, they can figure their way out of it. But the rest of her suddenly burns with the need to save them, her husband’s hero complex apparently having worn off on her during their centuries of marriage. With a slightly annoyed sigh, River changes direction and carefully makes her way through the fighting.
The closer she gets, the more they stand out against the backdrop of violence. The boy - because neither of them can be older than twenty - is curled around the girl protectively, their clothing a perfect match for the fashion of the early 21st century. The girl lifts her head - flinching into the boy’s arms as an explosion ricochets off a nearby wall - and River instantly knows that these aren’t just any humans out of place on an alien planet. The girl is far too young and pretty - her husband’s usual type - and she finds herself relieved that she decided to help them after all, even despite the pang of nerves that accompanies the thought of seeing her husband again after everything that’s happened.
River ducks past a sudden burst of plasma and slides heavily into cover beside the boy, usual smirk in place as she regards him. He’s cute, and if it wasn’t for his obvious youth, she’d be half tempted to seduce him just to see the look on her husband’s face.
“Who the hell are you?” he shouts above the noise of the artillery.
She pulls her blaster from the holster on her thigh, just in case the shadows she can see on the hilltop decide to roam any closer, and turns back to face him.
“River. Pleasure,” she purrs. “Shall we get you out of here? Because judging by your clothes and accent, you’re not from around these parts.”
The girl pulls out of the boy’s arms, bright eyes wide with wonder, and she really is rather pretty. Not for the first time, River mentally rolls her eyes at her husband’s inane need to find the youngest and prettiest humans to drag into danger.
Without waiting for either of them to reply, River grabs the boy’s hand and yanks him to his feet, his hold on the girl pulling her up with him. With barely a glance at the soldiers advancing on the crumbling brick they’d been using as cover, she fires off five rounds from her blaster, and sets off running.
--
It’s hard enough navigating the warzone that’s become of this planet without having two - rather useless - humans tagging along beside her. They mustn’t have been travelling with her husband for long, because there’s a distinct lack of hardship in their eyes and a less defensive tension in the ways in which they hold themselves. They’re both still in the ‘wonders of the universe’ phase of travelling with him, and River desperately hopes they can cling to that for just a little while longer.
Slowly, exhaustion beginning to tear at her muscles from the constant need to shove the two teens behind cover, they make their way to the primary control room. River had been planning on avoiding the place, but right now, it’s one of the safest rooms on the planet.
The large, ornate set of doors tower above the three of them, the alcove somewhat shielding the area from the worst of the fighting.
“Control room,” she explains as they look up at the doors in wide-eyed confusion. “If he’s anywhere, he’ll be in there.”
Because the primary control room is also the most likely place to find her husband - another reason to avoid it at all costs.
“Who?” the girl asks, but River ignores her, opening the pouch on her belt and pulling out her sonic trowel.
“Sorry for the lack of proper introductions by the way. Was a bit hectic back there. Professor River Song.”
River holds out her free hand, grin in place, and watches with amusement as the girl steps forwards instantly.
“Yasmin Khan. But my friends call me Yaz.”
River’s grin only grows wider as she grasps the girl’s hand tightly and winks, a deep blush appearing on Yaz’s cheeks.
“Nice to meet you, Yaz.” She only just catches the boy rolling his eyes, and so turns the charm to him instead. “And your friend? Tall, dark, and handsome here seems like the silent type.”
“Ryan!” he blurts, his cheeks reddingly slightly as well under River’s attentions. “Ryan Sinclair.”
“Good name,” she says brightly, briefly reminded of a previous companion of her husband’s who shared the same surname. Ryan looks slightly confused at her words, but takes her proffered hand regardless.
“Right! Control room.” She slips her hand back from Ryan, and turns dramatically to face the set of doors. “Locked during the fighting of course, but my husband isn’t the only one with tricks up his ridiculous looking sleeves.”
Pointing her sonic at the doors, she flicks her wrist and sets the mechanisms whirring - because if she can’t show off to her husband’s new companions, who can she show off to? The doors crack open, not fully, but enough for a body to slide through the gap. With a cheeky smile and a gesture to follow her, River shoves her sonic back into her belt and slips through the opening into the darkness beyond.
Once her eyes adjust to the different levels of light, River finds two people bickering over the console in the centre of the room. The smaller of the two - a rather attractive if not incredibly unfashionable woman - is waving her hands madly in the air as she shouts to the other - a man looking to be in his late 50’s by Earth standards.
“Excuse me, ladies,” she laughs, smirk widening as the man turns, face scrunched in offence. “You haven’t happened to see an out of place Scotsman around have you?”
The woman has frozen where she stands, gaze rising to meet River’s, mouth agape and skin pale. There’s something familiar about her eyes, and a warm tug pulls at River’s chest. But she shakes the feeling away, hand hovering by her thigh holster just in case.
Yaz and Ryan stumble through the door behind her, and River angles herself so she can watch all four unknowns at once.
“Well, this isn’t quite what I expected,” she says.
Ryan takes a step forwards, and River doesn’t miss the way his eyes glance down to her blaster. Smart boy, she thinks, shifting slightly so she can draw and shoot - if necessary - before being tackled by his bulky frame.
“Uh, Graham, Doctor, this is, uh, River,” Ryan says awkwardly, and River’s hearts leap into her throat, eyes darting up to meet the woman in front of her. “She kinda got us out of the mess down there.”
She feels her body relax instantly, even as her mind stutters and her chest tightens painfully, the lump forming in her throat making it hard to breathe. She half hopes this is some other nutter running around with a title as a name, but the familiar eyes - still locked with hers - suggest otherwise. River swallows, ignoring the pull of her suddenly dry mouth, and forces a bright smile onto her face.
“This is quite the upgrade, sweetie,” she purrs, letting her eyes wander down the lines of the Doctor’s body. “Really should have guessed from the clothes though.”
Because the clothes really are awful - though in the Doctor’s defence, they’ve worn worse - but there’s a pang of fond familiarity as River’s eyes skim over the bright yellow braces, the memories of her idiot in a bow tie setting her hearts to racing. This incarnation is a blonde again, shortly cropped hair framing her face, a rose gold earring curving down her ear. She is stunning, despite the gormless look of horror currently spread across her face, and River has to force back the well of emotions threatening to overwhelm her.
“I feel like we’re missing something important here,” Yaz says, and Ryan nods in agreement, his eyes darting between River and the Doctor in confused interest.
“Wait a second,” the old man - Graham - presses, taking a none-too-subtle step closer to the Doctor. And despite it all, River is grateful her love has found another loyal group of companions to travel with. “River Song? The River Song?”
She raises a surprised eyebrow, intrigued to find the Doctor must have mentioned her for once, since she’s pretty sure her notoriety has yet to reach 21st Century Earth. Graham’s face is almost a match for the Doctor’s now, a hollowed, pale expression as if he’s stumbled upon a ghost. River bites her tongue, the brief spike of pain enough to keep her in the moment, and lets a smirk fall across her lips.
“As far as I know I’m the only one, unless someone’s been cloning me again. Which is rather rude if they don’t let me in on the fun.”
She refuses to look towards the Doctor as she speaks - her love’s silent response to River’s presence telling enough of a story - and instead stays focussed on the three humans.
“You have a gun,” Graham says matter of factly.
“Of course I have a gun,” she laughs. “In case you haven’t noticed, this is a warzone.”
“The Doctor doesn’t like guns,” Ryan joins in.
“Yes, well, the Doctor much prefers others to do hi- her dirty work.”
She only just catches the look of hurt that flashes across the Doctor’s face, disgusted with herself when she feels nothing but satisfaction in response. All three humans look confused and full of doubt at her words, and River’s suddenly loath to drag their faith in the Doctor any further through the mud.
The Doctor swallows, the movement pulling on the lines of her throat, chest heaving as if she’s struggling to breathe. There’s nothing familiar in her gaze, none of the softness or - heaven forbid - love River had grown so used to seeing shining from the Doctor’s eyes; there’s only regret, guilt, pain . It encompasses her small frame, shrinking her beneath the folds of her bright grey coat, and River feels something snap inside her, her long buried insecurities rising back to the surface.
“Right, well I’ll be off then. Ryan, Yaz, pleasure to meet you, stay safe. Graham.” She nods towards the older man, and without even a glance at the Time Lord she has given her lives for, River turns on her heel and flees.
--
She doesn’t pay attention to where she’s going, her legs carrying her through the maze of corridors in the control complex, hand curling around her blaster for comfort. River hasn’t used a gun in years, her marriage apparently making her soft in that regard, but she isn’t like the Doctor, and coming to a planet rife with conflict without a means to protect herself is not the kind of trouble she wants.
And neither is this: coming face-to-face with her wife - though part of her finds herself pleasantly amused by the change in terminology - and seeing nothing but horror in her eyes.
Eventually, she slows her furious pace and lets her back thud against the cool metal wall of the corridor, chest heaving with ragged breaths. It’s pathetic, the way the Doctor can still affect her after so damn long. She thought she’d be able to deal with it better, would let herself live the lie when the Doctor pulled her into their arms and kissed her softly. But she hadn’t done any of that, she’d only stared in horror at River’s presence, making the lie far too hard to ignore.
She closes her eyes, head falling back against the wall, and slows her breathing.
Not one living thing is worth you.
It echoes in her mind, taunting her, but the sudden thunder of footsteps has her eyes snapping back open instantly, hand pulling slightly on her blaster. The Doctor is there, stood in front of her, eyes wide, hair a mess, and River finds she’s lost the ability to speak.
“River,” the Doctor breathes, as if she’s not quite sure River is really standing there. “River.”
They stare at each other, the moment drawing out between them, filling the air with nothing but the soft sounds of their heavy breathing.
“River.”
River sighs, the Doctor seemingly incapable of speaking anything but her name, and takes a step away from the wall.
“It’s okay, Doctor,” she manages to say, a soft smile curling her lips. Because it really is alright; she would never force her husband, her wife, her love into something unwanted. “I understand. You thought it was over, you were done with me and didn’t have to pretend any longer. I understand, Doctor.”
“River, I don’t…”
“You always knew, since the very first day you met me, how I was going to die.”
It takes only a fraction of a second for her words to sink in, and then the jig is up - so to speak. The Doctor’s expression shifts slowly from wide eyed confusion to wide eyed comprehension, her mouth twitching as a disbelieving smile fades across her lips.
“You’ve been to the Library?” she asks, her voice barely a whisper in the empty corridor.
“And to Trenzalore.”
“And you’re really here? Solid, alive, real ?”
River nods, wanting nothing more than to pull the Doctor towards her, to wrap her arms around her smaller frame. But her thoughts hold her back, even as her hearts ache behind her ribcage.
“Missy,” she says in reply to the unasked question of ‘how ’, smiling despite herself as a line of confusion appears between the Doctor’s brows. “She ripped me from the Library data core. Apparently blew up three star systems and the Library itself to do it.”
River frowns then, the weight of it all laying heavily in her chest. She remembers the burning agony of her rebirth, her nerves searing as she gained the ability to feel once more, the soft scottish lilt of a familiar voice welcoming her back. But it hadn’t been the voice she’d wanted, hadn’t been her husband finally coming to save her.
“Why didn’t you come find me?” the Doctor asks, her voice wobbling slightly.
“You left me there, Doctor,” River answers, throat screaming as a ball of emotion claws its way up from her chest. “You left me there with a ‘see you around’. I thought…”
“Thought what, River?” she presses.
“I thought after Darillium it would be different. That you’d needed me in there to help you and after I did you’d come back for me, or at least speak to me. But you left me there to rot , in a fake world, in another prison. Why would I come to find you, when you so obviously wouldn’t want me?”
She refuses to cry in front of her wife, refuses to show just how much she’s struggling inside. The Doctor looks stricken, a sheen falling across her eyes as tears threaten to fall, and River curses the way she wants to reach out to comfort her.
“I have never wanted anything more than you, River.”
She barely hears her wife’s words, they’re spoken so shyly, the Doctor’s head dipped in shame. Something horrifically similar to hope begins to burst between River’s hearts, and she takes another step away from the wall, hand slipping off her blaster.
“I have ached for you, every day, since we left Darillium. And I did find a way to save you, but the cost was far too high. I was so close to doing it, so many times, but you would never have thanked me for it.” Her head lifts then, blonde hair falling across her face as her gaze locks with River’s. “And I thought, maybe if I could just let you go, we could both find some peace. I’ve always been selfish, River. And god, I’m so so sorry.”
A tear slips down the Doctor’s cheek, her heavy swallow audible in the quiet of the corridor.
Oh, my beautiful idiot, River thinks.
She’s taller than the Doctor now, especially with the extra height her boots offer, and River uses the change in angle to her advantage, taking that final step closer and cradling the Doctor’s face in her hands. Thumbs brushing over damp cheekbones, she leans forwards and slants her lips across the Doctor’s mouth, not waiting for permission before her tongue finds itself delving deeper. The Doctor moans, the sound turning into a sob half way through, and hands suddenly appear at River’s hips, gripping so tightly she knows she’ll find bruises in the morning. Her wife is soft and pliant beneath her lips, the sweet tang of artron energy bursting across River’s tongue as she tastes the time vortex she’d so missed being a part of.
River sighs against the Doctor’s mouth, pulling back slightly to rest their foreheads together.
“I love you, River,” her wife breathes, lips brushing against River’s as she speaks. Her eyes widen slightly, and River can tell the Doctor is as surprised as she is at how easy the admission is to make in this body.
“I love you too, sweetie.” And the words falling from her tongue feel like coming home. “Now don’t you have a planet to be saving?”
The Doctor smiles, the familiar brightness of adventure sparking in her eyes. “Only if you save it with me.”
“Always, my love.”
They pull apart fully then, but the Doctor’s hand slides down River’s side to link their fingers together, loath to lose their connection. There’s a large and beautiful grin on her wife’s beautiful face, and River knows there’s a similar expression on her own. The Doctor tugs her back down the corridor, towards the primary control room, towards her new companions, and River’s fingers curl tighter around her hand, happiness burning through her nerves.
But then the Doctor’s steps falter, a realisation dawning: “Wait, you know Missy ?”
As terror bursts across the Doctor’s face, River’s hearts fill with light and hope and love, and all she can do is laugh.