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This is a self-written manual by the one and only Jung Jaehyun. What might be the topic of this manual, you may ask? Well it’s Jung Jaehyun’s Guide to Falling in Love, or as I prefer to call it, The 5 Ways I Fell In Love With Kim Doyoung.
You might probably be wondering how all of this even began. After all, every love story needs to start from somewhere. As cliched as it sounds, it started on a bright sunny day…
Five-year old Jung Jaehyun sat inside his kindergarten, shivering from the cold that the pouring rain from outside brought. His dad was supposed to pick him up fifteen minutes ago but there was still no sign of him. It was probably the baby that kept him busy. After all, that’s all his parents seemed to care about nowadays. His neighbour hyung had told him that new babies would take a lot of time to prepare for as he has his own little brother but he didn’t think it would take this long. Why won’t his new little brother arrive already?
Little Jaehyun pouted. Just how long more would he have to wait?
A few more minutes pass before he sees his dad’s car pull into the driveway of his kindergarten, and Jaehyun perks up at that. Finally, he was going to go home! He can’t wait to escape the cold wet rain and dry off at home and eat his mum’s homemade cookies, and if he was lucky some hot chocolate too.
He looks on as his dad’s car comes to a stop and gets curious when the door to the backseat opens, instead of the driver’s seat that he was expecting. A sky blue umbrella pokes its head out, a small human body wearing yellow rain boots mostly concealed beneath it. Jaehyun watches as the pair of yellow rain boots make their way over to him, seemingly unbothered about the rain puddles they were traipsing through.
The owner of the yellow rain boots finally reaches Jaehyun, and he lights up when the umbrella is lifted slightly to reveal his neighbour Doyoung hyung.
“Hyung!” he chirps happily, eyes slowly shifting into eye smiles as he bounds out to meet his hyung. “What are you doing here, are you here to pick me up?”
Doyoung flashes his gummy smile back down at him, his hands slightly struggling to lift the large blue umbrella over Jaehyun’s head. “I got home early from Kindergarten, so your dad came over and asked me if I wanted to come and pick you up. Let’s hurry back quickly though, I think your mum’s making hot chocolate with marshmallows.”
Jaehyun brightens at the mention of his mum’s homemade hot chocolate, and immediately tears back into the kindergarten to get his backpack. He reemerges a few seconds later, trying to ignore the slight chill he was getting from the rain.
Just as Doyoung prepared to walk back to the car with Jaehyun under the umbrella, the latter suddenly gave out a sneeze. Doyoung immediately stopped in his tracks to look back at him, slight worry taking over his young face. Noticing Jaehyun’s small shivers, he motions for Jaehyun to take the umbrella from him before reaching up to his neck and unwinding his scarf. He then drapes the scarf around Jaehyun’s neck and wraps it snugly, making sure that Jaehyun was still able to breathe through the scarf.
“There,” Doyoung proclaims somewhat proudly as he pats the scarf down. “That should keep you warm.”
Jaehyun gazes back up at Doyoung, his cheeks heating up at the look of assuredness in the latter’s eyes. Doyoung often gave him this feeling of security, as if he could depend on Doyoung to protect him from harm. He decided he liked that feeling, that he wanted Doyoung to keep him safe forever.
“I like you Doyoung hyung!” he chirps. “I want to marry you when we’re older.”
Doyoung laughs. “Grow up first then we’ll talk about it.”
Jaehyun spends the car ride home nuzzling into Doyoung’s scarf, inhaling in the scent of hot chocolate and fresh pine.
Six-year old Jaehyun bounds into the house next door, in search of his Doyoung hyung. He had just finished his breakfast and was eager to begin the day with Doyoung, maybe they will start playing pirates first.
He dashes up the steps to his hyung’s room, expecting to find Doyoung burrowed underneath his blankets. His eyes settle on a specific blue door and he skips over to it, his small hand getting a grip on the doorknob and twisting it. Doyoung was never a morning person, and Jaehyun was often the one who would come running over after breakfast to wake him up. They’d then have breakfast (Jaehyun eats a smaller portion at home and has a second serving at Doyoung’s house) and start their adventure of the day, with Jaehyun returning home for dinner once the sun sets.
To his surprise, Jaehyun opens the door to an empty and neatly made bed. It took him all of three seconds to realize that Doyoung was up and awake before him for once, and that the older was not in his room. Feeling puzzled, he makes his way back down to the kitchen. Throwing one last look behind his shoulder to check that Doyoung’s door was shut back after he left, he descends the stairs.
In the Kim’s kitchen, Jaehyun is greeted by the sight of Doyoung’s mum cutting up some cabbages. He watches as she reduces the cabbages to strips, before scooping them up and dumping them into a mixing bowl. Mrs Kim then turns away from the mixing bowl and grabs some salt, prepared to go back to preparing kimchi but not before spotting little Jaehyun standing at the doorway of the kitchen.
She nearly drops the salt, but recovers rather quickly at the shock of seeing Jaehyun in her house (Jaehyun tends to invite himself over without ceremony and his neighbours stopped minding a long time ago). “Jaehyun sweetie, what are you doing here?”
Jaehyun tilts his head to the side, confusion filling his brain. “I’m here to play with Doyoung hyung, just like I always do. Have you seen him Mrs Kim? He’s not sleeping in his room like he usually is.”
Mrs Kim frowns slightly, before a look of understanding crossed her face. “Oh Jaehyunnie, didn’t Doyoung tell you? Today’s his first day at primary school, he won’t be home until after 3pm.”
Noticing his perplexed expression, she hastens to explain. “Primary school is like kindergarten, but for older children. Doyoung is old enough to go to primary school this year, so he went there this morning.”
“So...Doyoung hyung isn’t around?”
“I’m afraid not, Jaehyunnie.”
Jaehyun makes a face at this new complication. What was he gonna do for the rest of the day now that Doyoung wasn’t here? He pouts, feeling rather downcast. Did Doyoung not like him anymore? Did he do something wrong to make Doyoung dislike him and leave him behind? He decides to go back home to his room, burying himself beneath his blankets and hugging his favourite plushie Mr Bread.
A few hours later, he hears his room door quietly open.
“Hey Jaehyunnie, how was your day?”
A rush of joy runs through him when he realizes it’s Doyoung’s voice, but he decides to sulk and ignore the older for leaving him behind for school.
“Jaehyun?” Doyoung repeats himself, clearly confused at the lack of response from Jaehyun.
When Jaehyun remains silent, Doyoung creeps over to his bed and jumps onto it, landing on Jaehyun and causing the younger to elicit an oof.
“Hyung, that hurt!” Jaehyun whines, although truthfully it didn’t hurt that much.
“Shush, I know it doesn’t. Why didn’t you answer me when I asked you how your day was?” Doyoung probes.
“”Because you left me behind and didn’t tell me! Why should I tell you about my day?” Jaehyun retorts back.
A look of realization crosses Doyoung’s face, and he hurries to apologize. “Oh no Jaehyunnie, I’m so sorry I forgot to tell you. I was really excited for primary school and I had so much fun playing with you yesterday that I forgot to tell you.”
Seeing Jaehyun on the verge of spilling tears, Doyoung hastens to make a deal. “Jaehyunnie please don’t cry I’m really sorry about this, I’ll give you some ice cream?”
Jaehyun sniffles a little, he was six years old and he was not going to cry. Doyoung hyung doesn’t like it when he cries.
“Okay,” he rubs a hand across his eyes to get rid of his tears. “It had better be vanilla.”
“Your favourite, of course.” Doyoung assures, grabbing his hand and tugging him out of his bed to the kitchen.
“Hyung,” Jaehyun asks. “Promise you won’t forget about me?”
“Never.” Doyoung affirms.
“Omigod Jae what happened to your knee?” Doyoung all but shrieks when he catches sight of Jaehyun’s scraped knee.
Jaehyun smiles bashfully at Doyoung’s reaction. “Fell down and scraped my knee during basketball practice.”
Doyoung eyes the scrape gingerly, as if envisioning the millions of bacteria crawling over it. “Did you not get it cleaned up immediately after falling down?”
“It didn’t hurt back then, so I just got up and continued playing.”
Unable to see the logic in Jaehyun’s words, Doyoung rolls his eyes. “God Jaehyun, you’re fifteen and still out here unable to take care of yourself like a normal human. Who’s gonna look out for you when I leave for college huh?”
“Nobody else, cause I know you’ll still be looking out for me no matter where you go to.” Jaehyun grins cheekily, causing Doyoung to groan a little.
“Guess I’ll never truly be rid of you huh?” he mutters as he tugs Jaehyun to the nearest toilet in school.
“Not anytime soon Hyung. Friends for life remember?” Jaehyun reminds him as they enter the bathroom, Doyoung immediately seeking out toilet paper and wetting it to help clean Jaehyun’s knee.
“Yeah yeah whatever, just don’t expect me to save you when you infect yourself with some disease one fine day just because you thought it’d be okay to not clean open wounds.”
And he’s only fifteen while Doyoung’s sixteen, but Jaehyun swears he’s in love as Doyoung gently dabs at his knee to get it clean from dirt.
“Hyung you better marry me when we’re older, seeing as there’s no way I can survive on my own.”
“We aren’t even in college yet, don’t look so far into the future.” Doyoung barks, but Jaehyun’s known him long enough to know that there’s no bite in his words.
“I can’t believe Jungwoo!”
Jaehyun looks up from his laptop at the sound of Doyoung’s voice, his fingers paused midtype above the keyboard. Without having to hear what it was about, Jaehyun could already guess what exactly had Doyoung so agitated regarding Jungwoo.
Kim Jungwoo was Doyoung’s younger cousin who had just started college this year, and Doyoung treats him like the younger brother he never had. The Kim cousins were rather close despite never being in the same school till college, with the both of them keeping contact over the years and sharing personal secrets among themselves.
It all started when Jungwoo admitted to Doyoung about a crush a junior from his high school had on him, and how aforementioned junior had confessed to him.
Now crushes were a normal topic shared and discussed much among teenagers. Jaehyun being the one with an actual younger brother, had his fair share of crush talks with said sibling Jaemin (Jaehyun hyung, Jeno smiled at me in class today and Injun waved at me during lunch!).
But what got Doyoung wilding was the fact that Jungwoo had reciprocated affections to the junior, and was even considering starting a long distance relationship between the other guy (who was, after all, still in his last year of high school).
Doyoung had always been supportive and relatively calm about Jungwoo’s crushes over the years while they had been growing up, but this was the first time a serious relationship was to be attempted by the younger. And that’s what Doyoung didn’t like. He didn’t like how Jungwoo’s lover was younger than him, and how the both of them wanted to start a long distance relationship despite not even being together for that long of a time.
Jaehyun knows he can save himself a lot of upcoming heartbreak, but he’s too much in love with Doyoung to do so. Also Doyoung is, first and foremost, his best friend. Best friends are supposed to hear each other out and comfort each other, and personal feelings aside, Jaehyun has to be there for Doyoung. Sighing, he pushes himself off the sofa he had been doing his work on and makes his way to the kitchen to grab a spoon and a tub of ice cream from the fridge.
“Hey hyung,” he greets softly as he gently pushes open the door of Doyoung’s room. At his high school graduation, Doyoung had been present to watch him walk up the stage and receive his diploma. Afterward he had found out that Jaehyun had been accepted into the same university as him and had eagerly offered to rent an apartment together once the term started, to help save costs and potentially awkward or disastrous roommates.
(Hyung what about your current roommate?
We do not speak of other roommates.)
And now here they were, living their lives together just like they did in the good old days. They had always got along exceptionally well as kids, and the old familiarity and routine just crept back in when they started living together. Jaehyun loved having Doyoung as a roommate, except for situations like these.
Right now, he’s greeted with the sight of a seemingly empty room. If he had just taken a brief glance he would’ve missed the prominent Doyoung-shaped lump beneath the blankets on the bed. Smiling a little, Jaehyun strides over to the bed and tugs the blanket off Doyoung, resulting in another shriek from the older.
“Jung Jaehyun, I am your hyung! How can you do that to me!”
Seeing Doyoung about to go on another furious tirade, Jaehyun quickly thrusts the tub of ice cream right beneath Doyoung’s nose. “Ice cream for you.”
Recognizing the attempt at a truce, Doyoung’s temper at being disturbed subsides a little. He grabs the tub and spoon from Jaehyun and immediately dives into it.
Jaehyun lets Doyoung consumer a few scoops, before deciding to break the silence with his question. “Hyung, why are you so against Jungwoo dating Lucas?”
Undeterred by the half scoop of ice cream in his mouth, Doyoung grumbles: “Because they’re way too young to be considering a serious long distance relationship, and does Jungwoo even know this guy well enough? I just don’t understand why he’d be willing to trap himself in something that might turn out bad just to continue a whirlwind summer romance.”
Doyoung has some points, Jaehyun realizes. He should’ve known that Doyoung wasn’t completely unreasonable. He opens his mouth to agree when the elder continues.
“Also Lucas is younger than Jungwoo, and younger guys are immature. I personally wouldn't date one. ‘Course, I told all of this to Jungwoo and he didn’t agree with me and that’s how we fought and-”
But Jaehyun tunes out everything after that, blood pumping through his veins as the words “younger guys are immature, I personally wouldn’t date one” repeats itself in his brain over and over again. He tries his best to stay calm, but he’s on the verge of freaking out and screaming. Without having to hold a hand to his heart, he knows that it’s forming cracks, starting to break bit by bit.
Doyoung pauses his rant midway, seemingly noticing that Jaehyun is no longer paying attention to him. He moves over to Jaehyun and tries to check up on him, placing a hand cautiously on Jaehyun’s shoulder. “Hey Jae-”
But Jaehyun brushes off his hand and stands up, hands shaking slightly. “Sorry Hyung, but I’ve got to go.”
“Huh? Hey where are you going? It’s getting late already! Jae-”
He tries to follow, but Jaehyun’s fast, and soon the door of their apartment shuts with a resounding click, Doyoung left feeling unsure and lost at this unexpected turn of events.
Jaehyun spends the night at Jungwoo’s dorm.
Jungwoo lived in one of the campus dormitories with another guy named Si Cheng and despite their differences, the two had gotten along strangely well from the get go.
Si Cheng had tutted at him when he saw the new figure sitting on his living room couch, but kept quiet and continued on his way to the kitchen.
Jungwoo had been sympathetic and apologetic about the situation, having been on the receiving end of Doyoung’s tirade about relationships, as well as guilty about indirectly causing the conflict between Jaehyun and Doyoung.
“It’s really okay Jungwoo, it was bound to happen sooner or later anyway.” Jaehyun insists tiredly, as Jungwoo gives him yet another puppy dog eyed look. “Doyoung hyung was going to reject me either way, I might as well just get used to it.”
“He really has no idea that you’ve had a crush on him all these years?” Jungwoo questions.
“Honestly Jungwoo, at this point of time I don’t think it’s just a crush anymore.”
Si Cheng chooses that moment to exit the kitchen, a mug in his hand. He deposits it on the coffee table in front of Jaehyun, muttering something indiscernible.
“I’m sorry, could you say it louder?”
“I said,” Si Cheng grits out. “Hot chocolate for you.”
Jaehyun blinks. Oh. That was unexpected. Nevertheless, his heart warms a little at the small but meaningful gesture. Si Cheng never really said much to him, but he was appreciated all the same.
“Thanks Si Cheng.”
Si Cheng grunts in response, already shuffling off back to his room. Jaehyun waits for the sound of a door closing before turning back to Jungwoo. “Is he always like that?”
Jungwoo giggles. “Nope, he just likes scaring visitors.”
Jaehyun has so many questions, but decides to save them for another time. He’s tired and needs his rest, plus he still has to get ready to face Doyoung sooner or later. He turns to Jungwoo and asks for a blanket, and gets one in a few seconds. After thanking him, he turns in for the night, drifting off to sleep faster than he expects.
He wakes up bright and early the next morning despite the tumultuous night, and immediately decides to heads off back to his and Doyoung’s shared apartment to get his school stuff. Bidding Jungwoo and Si Cheng a small goodbye, he hastily departs.
Jaehyun’s on his way back to his apartment when he bumps into Doyoung, who honestly looks like he hasn’t slept much. After they both got over the initial shock at seeing each other so quickly, Doyoung takes advantage of his fast reflexes and single-handedly drags Jaehyun back to their apartment, forcing him onto the couch upon reaching.
“Where did you go last night? You weren’t hurt were you? Safe? Oh my god Jaehyun please never do that ever again, you scared me so much last night I couldn’t sleep a wink and-”
And there went classic Doyoung, expressing his care and concern through nagging and ranting. This is a part of Doyoung that Jaehyun’s all too familiar with, and it hurts that no matter how much he wants it he won’t be met in the middle. Like always, he patiently waits for Doyoung to calm down before reassuring him that he was fine and that he had stayed the night at Jungwoo’s.
Of course Doyoung could’ve left it at that, but Doyoung had always been a sharp and perceptive child. Now adult Doyoung studies law at university and was aware of everything around him (maybe with the exception of his own feelings), and he asks anyway.
“Why did you run away last night?”
And there it was, the million dollar question.
Jaehyun honestly feels petrified, but he closes his eyes to calm himself down. He could do this. He knew this was inevitable. He had prepared his whole life for this moment. At the end of the day Doyoung was his best friend, and Doyoung deserved to know the truth.
And so he talked.
He talked about how he first fell in love with Doyoung on a rainy day, when he was five and Doyoung was six. He talked about how even at the age of six, Doyoung was one of the most important people to him. He talked about how his feelings further developed when Doyoung looks out for him and cleans up his injured knee in high school, and how Doyoung broke his heart at the age of nineteen by affirming how he wouldn’t date younger boys.
“And I know that it’s just your preference Hyung, and you have very valid reasons, but I never stopped hoping that one day you’d be able to see me as something more.”
Jaehyun pauses his monologue, taking a moment to gather his thoughts.
“It’s okay if you don’t have feelings Hyung, I don’t expect you to reciprocate them. I just hope that this doesn’t ruin our friendship, and that we can put this behind us.”
“But what if I don’t want to?”
Jaehyun looks back up at Doyoung in shock, to see for himself if those words had truly come out of the older’s mouth. And while Doyoung’s mouth was sealed, his lips were shut in a way that didn’t leave any doubt to who had uttered those words.
“Really?”
“Look,” Doyoung pauses to rub his temples, the way he always does whenever he was getting an incoming headache. Jaehyun smiles at the action, Doyoung had always said that he was often worth too much trouble. “I’m not saying that I want to enter a relationship with you right now, I stand by what I said about dating younger guys. But let’s just say hypothetically, a younger guy comes along and manages to change my mind and views. And he complements me well. Then who am I to say no?”
Jaehyun looks into Doyoung’s eyes, expecting to see the confidence and snarkiness always present in older, and gets taken aback at the insecurity. He sees Doyoung worrying about his fears. The fear of a relationship not working out. The fear of a broken heart. The fear of being left alone.
He decides then and there that Doyoung will never have the chance to experience any of that.
“Well,” Jaehyun begins, a smile curving on his face as he slips his hand into Doyoung’s. “I guess we’ll have to find out.”