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Worries were looming inside Jaemin's chest as he glanced to the desk calendar. Today’s date was marked with blue ink, plain without any decoration or typography. A simple tiny word "birthday" was written abruptly above the date. It was the time of the year when Jaemin had profound mixed feeling. He would jitter in excitement and delight yet at the same time sorrow would gradually creep inside his chest. Birthday will always be a strange concept to Jaemin. Why on the earth people want to celebrate the day which marked reduction of their living period. He just doesn’t get it. But Jaemin had his own reason to be excited.
Jaemin began his day by brewing coffee, pouring the pitch black espresso into his favorite Ryan character mug. Warm smoke floated in the air as he blew the mug slowly. Jaemin finally sipped the coffee after blowing it for the fourth times. The bitter liquid feels warm on his tongue. Jaem in decided to move to the living room. He anxiously sat on his sofa, bringing his legs up then sat with legs crossed. He mindlessly turned on the television, switching to his favorite channel which aired Bare Bears. Morning always goes by slowly when he waits for something, and it just gets longer on his special day. Fear suddenly washed over him, what if this year everything would change. What if he never received the gift he's been waiting for the whole year? Those things scared him the most but Jaemin tried to brush it off. He shook his head and shifted his attention back to the screen. The commercial break didn’t help distracting his thoughts so Jaemin decided to prepare for the day. He has a habit when it comes to celebrating his born day. People call it tragic but Jaemin choose to name it "self-care", not that Jaemin cares what people think.
Jaemin placed his empty mug to the kitchen sink and went to his room to change. After contemplating in front the closet, he finally chose to wear his basic white t-shirt and put a thin pastel cardigan as the outer. He mindlessly styled his hair before putting some lip balm then checking himself once again in the mirror before heading to the bakery. The road was buzzing with noises. People were rushing to get to their destination as if time chased them down. Jaemin took his time to enjoy the scenery while scanning to both side of the road from the car's window. The sun was shining brightly yet the temperature was warm without being extremely hot. Jaemin was glad. The last time he went outside the house the sun was blaring hot.
Jaemin arrived at the bakery when the clock pointed out one pm. There were only two people lining in front of the cake display. Before Jaemin noticed, he was already in the front row. Jaemin chose a peach cake then ask the counter staff to add "to: nana" with the icing, on top of the cake.
It didn't take long until he’s back again to his home, sprawling on the carpet in his living room with phone on his right hand. Jaemin startled when he heard his phone ring. He was expecting it to be from someone special, but it turned out to be Renjun. "Jaemin, Happy Birthday." Jaemin could hear Haechan and Mark's voice too from the phone speaker as they screamed the words in unison. Jaemin smiled in response. It’s such a waste that their friends could see it. "Sorry, we can't celebrate it with you." This time it was Renjun alone who said the words. "It's fine guys. Thank you for the wishes.” Jaemin moved his position so he could be more comfortable. Renjun started giving him more wishes and blessings then followed by Mark and Haechan. When they’re done, Jaemin forced Renjun to tell him about his holiday. Renjun refused at first because he was insisting on hearing about Jaemin. But Jaemin is a tricky person; of course he was able to make the latter rant about their time in Japan. The call didn’t last long because the three of them had to go to grocery store, leaving Jaemin bored again.
Jaemin ended up going to the kitchen to cut his cake. He was about to wait until the right so he could light a candle and do birthday rituals. But his stomach grumbles painfully since he didn't eat anything but a cup of coffee and some biscuits. Halfheartedly Jaemin cut the cake, attempting not to screw the decoration even further. When Jaemin was in the middle of finishing his cake, the doorbell rang. He wished it was from someone he's been expecting to show up the whole year. But Jaemin knows not to hope. His hope would turn into empty delusion. He should have known there's limit of things he could hope for or else pipe dream would eat him alive.
Jaemin opened his door to face a young man with flower bouquet in his right hand. He stood before Jaemin with his stoic look. "Jaemin, right?" asked the man while pulling out a note. Jaemin simply answered him with a toneless yes. "A flower delivery from J. Please sign here." When Jaemin finished, he carelessly put the pink camellia bouquet on his window stile. He stared at the flower for a minute before walking away to his room. Jaemin thought ordering flower for himself would be a good idea but it just left more bitter. It was only evening but Jaemin run out of things he could do already. He made a note that next year he would fill his birthday to-do-list with more exciting things, but for now he would settle with this.
Uninterestedly, Jaemin lied on his bed while staring at the bright contrast of his phone. He hated being alone. Solitary never brings comfort to him. It just worsens the emptiness. The voice inside his head would be loud and clear. It would scream to Jaemin, telling that he doesn't deserve to be happy, that the universe is always against him. For some extend Jaemin would start to believe it. Jaemin didn't want to be weak because far away from him, his beloved someone was doing a dangerous job for the sake of humanity. Jaemin quickly wiped his tears before it dropped and stained on his cheeks.
Jaemin startled when his phone buzzed and rang again. He stared blankly at the unsaved number, excitement and relieved profoundly washed over him. It didn't take Jaemin much time until he pressed the button and answered the call. "Hello… Jaemin?" said the man on the other line. Jaemin beamed for a minute before answer with voice laced with affection and longing. "Y... yes, I'm here." It's unusual for him to stutter but the boy in the phone could easily take his breath away.
"Happy Birthday, Jaemin-ah." said the man whose voice was soft as honeydew on the other line. Jaemin didn't have to ask nor question. He knew to whom the voice belonged to.
"Thank you, Jeno-ya" Tears were brimming in his eyes. It was hard to keep his composure when all Jaemin wanted to do was to cry his heart out.
"May this year will be your best year. May happiness will always be by your side. Don't forget to take care of yourself okay. I hope you didn't drink coffee as much as before." Jeno chuckled softly. Jaemin followed after. He wished he could see Jeno's eyes turned to crescents when he smiled.
"I cut it down now. Don't worry, Jeno-ya." Jaemin tried so hard to suppress his sniffle so Jeno wouldn't notice. Failing miserably, Jaemin just let his sniffle turn into an ugly sob.
"Jaemin-ah, you shouldn't cry in your happy day." What's the point of all of this when you're not here? Jaemin was in the verge of spilling the words but he left the words unsaid. He would pain Jeno even further if he dared to speak it out loud. Jeno has a more important matter of enforcing laws, bringing evidence so criminals could get what they deserve. Jaemin had no right or place to be selfish even on a day when he could demand a wish. "I'm sorry" was all Jaemin could offer to the older. Jeno shushed him, muttered “It's gonna be okay" until Jaemin’s sob turned into sniffled again. "Thanks Jeno-ya" Jaemin finally said after taking a deep breath. He wiped his tears carelessly and it smeared on his cheek.
"I have to go now, please take care of yourself okay. Don't get hurt, be happy Jaemin. We'll meet soon. Bye." Jeno's voice laced with anguish and Jaemin heart throbbed in unbearable pain. He didn't even know what Jeno meant by soon, it was all delusion. His long wait wouldn't end in a near time, Jaemin knew. He wanted to curse the universe for all the bad fortune he’s in, for all the love he offered to the boy who’s far somewhere in a place Jaemin never heard of. But he felt terrible after. Jeno was meant to serve for greater good and here, he wished in other universe things would be different. Jaemin just couldn’t hold his tears any longer. His legs felt wobbly as he dropped on the floor, tears running down on his cheeks. And when the line went dead Jaemin's wishes died along with it too.