Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

If it pleases.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, these meetups always remind me of a single moment from my childhood. It’s not a particularly important moment contextually, but in terms of the feelings it keeps coming back. I don’t know when it was, but sometime when I was just learning to read (which took longer for me than other kids, admittedly) Dad took me and Asriel into the basement of our old house, and showed us the mushroom garden he’d been cultivating. From floor to ceiling the dank darkness shimmered in a starry sky of the glowcaps that he had raised carefully from nothing but dung and worms. Asriel and I marvelled, and Dad beamed, and I turned to him and asked what it had taken. He had tapped his snout, with a goofy grin.
“Hard work, and a little bit of secrecy, Krissy,” he rumbled low, “because if your mother found out that this was what I was wasting the basement space on, she’d kill me!”
Asriel and I would go down into the basement regularly, when Mum was away, and we’d sit together in the darkest corner, and I would nestle into my big brother’s reassuring frame, and we’d make up stories of the constellations Dad had grown for us down there in the dark.

Why Are You Telling Us This?

I don't owe you an explanation. You asked for a chat, I gave you something to chat about.

“Kris? You okay there honey?” The timid little voice to my right whispered, squeezing my hand in the dark. I squeezed back, and rubbed my head against the ridiculously green hat that he insisted on wearing, to let him know that I was okay. As I did so, he giggled, and I could almost see him blush, glowing like a little red star in the darkness.
“Lame.” Grunted the significantly less timid voice to my left, who’s grip on my hand was always so firm as to render it impossible to tell what was a squeeze. I got the feeling that my oafish queen was significantly more scared of the dark than I or my little sir.
“D-Don't be m-mean, Susie! Kris has to go early today, so you have to be extra n-nice!” the little voice said searchingly, looking for my face in the dark. You would think for a creature that spent his whole life in the darkness, my fluffy baby boy would be able to see through it for shit. In affirmation, I pressed my thumb into the backs of their hands. They knew my codes well by now.
“Oh, yeah...sorry Kris,” Susie said, leaning down to nuzzle the top my head, her self-consciousness shining in her hesitance, her excitement obvious in the pounding of her heart, almost deafening to my careful ears in the quiet of the supply closet.

If it wasn’t obvious to an observer, I don’t like to talk. I can talk. I do talk. I don’t like to talk. I don’t like noise, in general, but more than anything I hate my voice. It never sounds right in my mouth, no matter how I’m feeling. It never feels like my voice, it feels as though someone else is speaking through me. I prefer gestures, and my sweethearts know this. A squeeze of the hand. A peck on the cheek. A stroke of the hair...They understand it all. It’s rare that I am understood. The last person to truly understand me left me here alone, and though I am surrounded by people who love me…

No one understands.

No one but Susie and Ralsei.

My beloved heroes.

Chapter Text

That does require some explanation.

Presumably, if you are party to this, you know most of the story. Susie and I go into the supply closet; get lost in the dark world; find Ralsei; defeat Spade King; save day. We tried to return the next day, to continue our adventure (and though neither of us would admit to it at the time, to see Ralsei again) only to find the supply closet as...a supply closet. Susie, in her disappointed, stole a box of chalk, and we both went off running, out into the woods. Why Susie thought that anyone was going to know we had stolen the chalk was beyond me; I will say many things in favour of Susie, but it should be clear to you that she isn’t terribly bright. Would it be strange to say that I love that about her? It’s just that...it’s nice to be able to impress someone, and to have someone who’s not self-assured enough to impose their understanding of you upon you. Though Susie does not, did not, show obvious signs of being impressed by things I knew, I learned to read her signs; learned to read the flicker of a grin at the corner of her long, perfect snout. Learned to recognise that flash of the teeth as something so complex; the flash of the teeth at a threat, and the admiration of something threatening.

In the wood, we rested below an ash tree. Susie munched chalk and I explained to her, succinctly as I could to avoid my own voice, how I knew it was ash. Some of you will think, “that’s not very impressive”, and you would be correct; it’s the kind of basic information an eight year old who still thinks their dad is the best person they’ve ever met would pick up while following him around at work. But Susie didn’t know that; Susie didn’t know anything about trees, and so even my dumb basic knowledge was impressive. I loved it; being treated like an authority. Is that conceited? Obviously. Does that change the joy of impressing a cute, powerful girl with your knowledge? Absolutely not. So, with Susie still munching on her bountiful bounty, her cornucopia of chalk, we walked through the woods, and I identified each tree that she pointed to, questioning me through a mouthful of awful powder. Then it got dark, and as we were walking home, I worked up the courage to hold her hand. That was when I first felt what I have come to adore; that vice grip around my own, the grip that said “Oh, you think you can get away with that? No coward, stand and fight”, the grip that said “You started this, you’re not gonna be the one to end it.”

The one that says “my mama and papa already left, please don’t leave me too”.

The one that says “if I were to lose you, my heart would break so hard that I would have no choice but to tear this world in half, so that I would never have to live on the same rock as you again.”

The one that made my heart flutter. The one that made my hand ache. The one that made my cheeks burn. The one that said, “you’re mine, and I’m so, so happy that you are, but if you tell anyone, you’re fucking dead kiddo”.

So naturally, I told my Mum. She was thrilled. Naturally.
“Oh my baby boy’s got a girlfriend! That’s so cute!” she said, nuzzling the top of my head. Mum knew better than Dad that I didn’t like too much touch at once. Unlike Dad, Mum didn’t know that I don’t like being called a boy. Mum especially didn’t know that the litany of date ideas she suggested for me and Susie felt uncomfortably wrong in my mind, as she listed off things I knew she and Dad did together. Me and Susie weren’t like her and Dad; we couldn’t be, we never would be; I didn’t want to be. I went to bed that night with a cold lump in my gut, and Mum locking the door sounded more like a warden’s turning key than it ever had before.

Susie and I kept going back to the supply closet. We both really wanted to see Ralsei again. Every time, the supply closet would just be a supply closet. Every time Susie would steal a box of chalk (I think Miss Alphys was suspicious but I think she was also too afraid of Susie to say anything to Mum) and every time we would go into the woods. I stopped identifying trees; Susie got bored of it, and that was fine, because we had a new activity. Chalk tastes terrible, which goes without saying, but it’s hard to complain when you’re tasting it on the tongue of a powerful girl who’s got you lifted up against a tree and is searching her way around your mouth like your tongue tastes of ambrosia. It’s especially hard to complain when she calls you a good girl, the first time anyone has validated that part of you, before sinking her teeth, gently so as not pierce the skin, into your shoulder, her firm grip around your rear (the first even remotely sensual contact I’d ever had) as your vision explodes and you feel the strangest combination of total peace and absolute joy.

Anyway, without too much more detail, that’s how Susie become one of the great loves of my life.

It’s also how I first realised, viscerally, that I wasn’t really a boy.

Chapter Text

I was getting there, keep your hat on.

So this is anticlimactic but it’s also the inescapable truth; we literally just found him in the woods one day.

We were sneaking off with our ill-gotten gains to conduct our sacred delinquency in secret when we saw the shape of a ridiculous green hat and robe in the treeline. In disbelief, both of us thinking it was just a matter of wishful thinking, we chased down the shape, and sure enough...
“Oh! Hey there Kris and Susie!” The little prince waved ecstatically, his fur pitch black (which gave us pause for thought at first), as he carried with him a cardboard box, “I brought cake!”
Needless to say, we were overjoyed to see him. Susie lifted him off his feet, and in the turmoil he dropped the cake. It fell top first onto the ground, and there was the splat of carefully baked sponge and lovingly applied icing going the way of all flesh. Susie didn’t even notice (though from the slight sadness in his eyes, I could tell Ralsei did) as Susie held him so tight that he seemed to find it hard to breathe. I poked her in the ribs, and she remembered herself, dropping the boy, who fell neatly into my waiting arms. He looked up at me and blushed. I looked down at him and smiled.

Then I kissed him.

Let’s take a break there to talk about my history of social miscalculation. One time I scared the shit out of my best friend and forced her into an asthma attack because I thought exploiting her fear of humans would be a fun joke. One time I held onto my brother for an entire night at a party he had brought me to when he was my age and the big kids still call me ‘the koala baby’. One time I told one of my dad’s customers that he loved her, because I thought that it would make her buy flowers. One time I was trying to be cool and told Miss Alphys to go cry into her body pillow when I was being told off for being insensitive about Berdly’s dyslexia. This should give you a pretty clear picture of what a ridiculous fuck up I am.

Immediately after I broke the kiss with Ralsei, Susie pulled him away from me and decked me in the face.

I was sent sprawling to the ground (Such was the power of Susie). When I looked up I could just about see her face under her fringe, and worst of all I could look her in the eye. The betrayal in her eyes stung worse than my face. The last person I wanted to hurt in this world was Susie, and seeing that I had hurt her turned my heart into dogshit. Still holding Ralsei, which I must admit even in my upset seemed rude, she took off running through the forest of oak and ash and thorn. With a heavy heart, I abandoned the cake and gave chase. I could only track her down by her heaving sobs, her lanky legs carrying her further and faster than mine could carry me.

I don’t know how long I pursued them; my legs were already sore from rushing to meet Ralsei, my lungs burned and my chest heaved heavy as I moved, and all that burned in my mind was my mother, chastising, telling me I should pick up a sport; get healthier; find a nice girl; be more like Asriel...and with that unpleasant wandering of thoughts, my foot caught a root and I went spinning like an idiot ferris wheel loosed from my moorings. Headfirst into a rock I went, and bleeding I stood up, but my determination to make my folly right carried me through the wooziness. I stumbled upon them sitting in the clearing where I first taught Susie how to identify ash, nestled in the throne-like roots of a great tree, befitting my queen and my little prince. I could do little but fall into their arms.

When I awoke, I was in the emergency room bed at the clinic, mercifully free of the Warrior for once. Susie and Ralsei were sitting beside my bed, Ralsei’s face the purest picture of concern, Susie’s a mask of cool kid apathy that I knew she wasn’t really feeling. Ralsei broke the silence when it was clear that I was awake and cognitive.
“S-So Kris…” the little goat stammered out, pulling on the brim of his hat, “Wh-what was that about?” My head was swimming, and trying to form the succinct answers that I preferred was difficult, verging on impossible. My self-pity was broken by my girlfriend’s discontent.
“C’mon freak, explain yourself.”
It was all I could do searchingly murmur.
“I...love...Susie…” Good Start.
“So why’d you kiss him dumbass?!” Susie demand, pointing an accusing finger at Ralsei, who shied away as if it were her legendary axe. Tears were forming in her eyes already.
“I...love...Ralsei?” I tried. Susie fought hard to keep her welling tears from becoming lakeing tears.
“YEAH?! Well me too dumbass! But I’m not out here kissing him! I thought you cared about me! About us!”
“Why...don’t...you…”
“WHY DON’T I WHAT?!”
“Kiss...him…”

Ralsei blushed like a stop light.

Susie looked down at the timid little beast from the black, and carefully he looked up at her smiling.
“I-I’m n-not really sure what’s going on b-but…” Ralsei stammered out, twisting his hat brim in his hands, “B-but i-if k-k-kissing is what K-K-Kris did earlier…um…” And with that he gave up on words and reached out nervously with a puckered mouth. Rolling her eyes, yet her cheeks flush with excitement, Susie grabbed the good fluffy boy by his good fluffy cheeks and burned her way into him, and the little goat’s legs kicking wildly with excitement as she did so.

When they were finished, Susie was bashful, and scratched the back of her neck. She looked at me, confused and concerned. Ralsei stared at the floor, a wide, satisfied smile on his face, his eyes screwed shut with overexcitement.
“So...what now?”
“We...date...Ralsei...obviously…”

And that’s how our delinquent duo became a trio.

Chapter Text

Because I’m careful and extremely paranoid, and have sworn Dad to secrecy.

Oh yeah, Dad knows, why wouldn’t I tell him? He’s not gonna be weird about it and with Asriel gone he’s the only person I can tell everything. Dad’s always been there for me, even when I didn’t want him to be, and though sometimes he hugs too tight or forgets I don’t like being touched without warning, his heart has always been in the right place. My Dad loves me more than anything in the world, and even when he doesn’t understand, he at least tries to. Such an instance was raised when I was first trying to explain the situation with Susie and Ralsie to him.
“So, you’re dating the girl…” He said slowly, chewing on the loneliest pickle I’d ever seen.
I nodded.
“And she’s dating the boy…” He continued at an agonising rate, his teeth breaking down the briney meat of the pickle at almost the same rate that his brain was breaking down the concepts presented.
I nodded, faster this time.
“...Who you are also dating.” He finished finally, swallowing the last of the pickle, mercifully.
Once more, and with a slight impatience, I nodded.
“So you like boys AND girls?” He asked, puzzled.
I nodded, honestly baffled it was taking him so long to get it.
“And you’re dating a boy and a girl, at the same time, who are also dating eachother.” He clarified for himself, putting his hands together, fingers elongated, first pointed at his snout, and then at me. I didn’t nod. I felt like the previous nods were still reaching his processing centres. Instead, he nodded, thoughtfully.
“So, you’re gay.” He said, finally, altogether too proud of the conclusion, nodding faster now. I sighed and shook my head.
“What? But you’re a boy who likes bo-” The furious shaking of my head at that assertion cut him off in his tracks, and shocked with himself he clasped his mouth, as if to try and recapture the words.
“Sorry, sorry, not a boy! You’re a…” He trailed off searchingly, waiting for the right word. I couldn’t give it to him.
“I’m not sure what I am, but I’m not a boy,” I replied curtly, perhaps a little more irritated than I wanted to sound.
Sympathetically, apologetically, Dad nodded.
“Right you are Krissy, right you are, my mistake, I take full responsibility.”
There was a silence between us.
“So are they cute?”
I nodded.

Another key feature in why my mother has not found out is that as far as most of the town is concerned, Ralsei does not exist. Sure, one or two people have seen him, but they have no idea who he is or where he came from. This is compounded by the fact that he lives with Susie and her brother Seb, out in the woods, in the rotten old manor house that even the big kids are too scared to approach. The mansion that Susie walks an hour from to school every day; the corpse estate that she and her brother have lived in like rowdy maggots, alone, for the past eight years. But to Ralsei, the place doesn’t seem too different from his own home; a home he was in no rush to return to.

Hiking out to see my sweethearts was the longest part of any day, both because of my blood bubbling with anticipation and because of my skin boiling under the naked gaze of the unforgiving, cold sunlight that made itself known whenever winter rolled around. Sometimes I would have to make the trek through snow in order to see them; but it was always worth it. The mansion, though a terrifying ghost from the depths of my nightmares, had its own comfort. Its timbered walls stood strong against the winds of winter like the bones of some long dead reptile king (perhaps a distant ancestor of my very own queen) and the warm light that streamed like a heavenly stare from its windows never failed to bring my heart to muster and a certain elan to my step. It was, after a sort, my home; the one place in all the world where I felt safest, and most comfortable, and most loved.

Many days were spent wrapped in blankets and beloveds, warm piles of cuddles and snuggles, so close as to lose a sense of self, so comfortable as make you forget all your troubles. There was a slight problem with the time spent at Susie’s house though.
“No heavy pettin’,” Seb said, frying hot dogs and boiling burgers on an antique wood-burning stove, an unlit cigarette hanging lazily from his long jaws “and certainly nothin’ beyond heavy pettin’. Ya lil’ goblins can cuddle under this roof and that’s it, I’m not listening to my lil’ sister fuckin’,” he continued, flipping a wurst absentmindedly. Seb cooked nothing but burgers and hot dogs. Susie turned about as red as the burger on the boil at her brother’s words.
“Hey! That’s gross! Shut up you freak!” She shouted impetuously, stamping her feet. Neither me nor Ralsei could ever talk to Seb like that; he towered over us, at least twice the size of Susie, and had teeth that looked like, in older days, they were best suited for rapid executions.
“YOU shut up ya little goblin, it’s my house, I’m allowed to set the rules,” Seb said, swatting Susie on the shoulder with his spatula gently. Susie slapped his hand away irritably.
“It’s not your house, freak! It’s mama and papa’s house!”
“...Yeah, okay, Susie, yeah it is. But I’m the one that cooks your dinner so I’m the one that gets to make the rules.”

And so, our hormones surging we resolved to find a new home, a place where we were free to pursue our passions at our own comfort and leisure. A place where we would be safe from prying eyes.

Unfortunately, the closest we could find to such a place was the school supply closet, between the hours of 5pm and 8am. Fortunately, Susie knew how to pick locks.

Chapter Text

The best and worst moments of my young life.

We snuck back into town after nightfall, packs loaded with snacks and the next day’s clothing. The plan was to head into the supply closet, spend the night there, then pretend that we had just arrived to school early the next morning. I told Mum that I was sleeping over at my girlfriend’s but that her big brother would be in the house the whole time and had essentially the same rules she had regarding intimacy. To be honest, I got away with most of this because my mother was overjoyed that I had a friend at all, let alone a girlfriend. So long as she was assured that we were doing nothing but safe, church approved activities, she would believe that nothing was amiss.

As far as we were aware, no one bore witness to our advance upon the school aside from the cold, unjudging, unforgiving midwinter moon, who’s great silver eye bore down upon us oppressively, rendering us into silhouettes, forcing us to confront our shadows, declaring itself the tyrant star of the sky full of glowcaps that shone peaceful above our hurried breaths; our clenched hands; our blushing, freezing cheeks; our love, pure and simple and new and unique, without parent or companion, a rare and fragile creature that existed only here, only within us, only for us. We came to the front doors, and like a thief in the night Susie dropped to a crouch, and with a hand as practiced as an artisan’s, she popped the lock and signalled our advance.

The dark hallways of the school held a certain horror to them at this time of night, but luckily we needn’t linger; our goal, our haven, our new home, was a straight walk down the corridor, which hushed, hurried, desperate legs covered in moments of quiet anticipation. We entered the supply closet, Susie closing it shut tight behind Ralsei, and fell together, in a puddle of love, onto the floor. We fused there for a time, relying on each other and our bundled coats for warmth, becoming nothing more than contented roots in the tree of life. Our exodus was complete, and here we were, with nothing to disturb or control us until the early hours of the next day. At least for tonight, we were free and happy and safe. We were the three of us alone, and for now, that was all we needed.

But of course, we did not come here to cuddle. If that was all that was desired, we would’ve stayed in the tenuous warmth of the mansion.

Susie was the first to make a move, as usual, propping herself up against the wall and pulling us towards her. Then it all started, so fast as to make my head spin with the excitement. I remember…

What do I remember?

Heat. The hottest I’d ever felt, so hot that the sweat ran down my back and brow in rivers that fed my sweethearts like deltas feed the sea. Motion. Desperate, unsure motion, awkward in action yet clear in intent. “Is that alright?”s and “are you okay?”s answered by timid or leonine yips and growls of joy and affirmation. Power surging, resistance relenting, grips adored and absences reviled. Teeth sinking, sliding, blocking, biting. Nails scraping, drawing, tracing, piercing. Sighs. Shudders. Burning cheek to burning cheek, desperation answered reassuringly with “I’m here”s and “Like that?”s. Firsts, certainly not lasts, certainly not bests, but firsts, firsts that set souls ablaze, hearts aflutter, voices aquiver, tongues dancing, hips sliding, guards aside, comforts out like a banquet of sensation for the pleasure of the guests; ‘Some of reassurance for you ma’am? Some closeness for you sir? Compliments, on the house, for the one that lieth betwixt.’

And then I remember collapsing, all of us, in the afterglow and without a care in the world, falling asleep in that comfort. All our pent up passions, kept hidden and repressed by request of the outside world, were spent in one moment of transformation that, while in the grand scheme of things little more than horny teenagers humping in a supply closet, at the time felt momentous, and freeing, and everything we had needed all along. Such was the nature of basic biological impulses, somehow shared in commonality between monsters and humans, lightners and darkners. There is a truth that is learned early in and that remains uncomfortable throughout one’s life; most everything alive, in the end, just wants to be closer than kin to something.

Having learned our lesson, had our experience, felt our loves, we fell asleep in the supply closet, without a care in the world.

Legendary heroes enjoying a well earned reward.

Idiot teenagers who didn’t know any better.

Chapter Text

In the worst possible way, yes.

There was a slight hitch in our plan, a two pronged caveat that ensured it wouldn’t work. The first prong was that we were teenagers, so if left to our own devices slept for twelve hours to fourteen hours at a stretch. The second prong was that we had not remembered to set our alarms in our excitement, and probably would not have woken to them regardless. It was because of this that the first thing I saw after waking from my paradisiacal reverie was my mother’s stunned face at the doorway of the supply closet, warm light streaming in from the sunlit hallway of a school that was just about to open. I was able to watch in real time as my mother’s eyes, wide with shock, confusion and betrayal, scanned over the coat-covered yet obviously naked forms of myself, my queen and my little prince, and it was on my little prince’s face that her eyes lingered, and her expression morphed from one of shock to one of horror.
“Kris, sweetheart,” she said, gently, purposefully keeping her tone measured, “would you please wake up your friends?”.
I did as I was bidden, my heart pounding with fear and my mind racing with excuses that could never work. I shook Susie gently, and even with such a gentle awakening she sat bolt upright, causing her makeshift blanket to fall aside and Ralsei, nestled between us, to spin from his side to his back, thudding to the ground softly. Susie, wild-eyed, scanned around, before her gaze fell on my mother.
“Oh,” Susie said, her face the dictionary definition of terror, “Hello, Mrs. Dreemur.”.
“Susie,” my mother said, her gaze graciously averted from Susie’s bare chest, “You’re suspended, pending expulsion, get dressed, now, and go home to Seb.”.
Susie, too afraid and embarrassed to say anything, did as she was told for once in her life.
“As for…” Mum turned her gaze to Ralsei, who unaware of the stakes of the situation was smiling, bemused, and looking for an explanation, “Sorry dear, what is your name?” she asked gently, not sure how to deal with him.
“Ralsei!” Ralsei replied happily, “Prince of Darkness! It’s nice to meet you!” he continued, standing up, in nothing but his birthday suit, and offering my mother his hand to shake. I wanted to scream. I wanted to die. I watched in terror. My mother’s expression turned from one of confusion to one of rage at ‘prince of darkness’, and her attention snapped back to Susie.
“Take him with you, I don’t want him in my school,” she said curtly. Ralsei’s expression fell.

With Susie and Ralsei sheepishly evacuated from the supply closet, Mum turned her attention to me. I had gotten dressed while Susie and Ralsei were leaving, and attempted to leave the supply closet without another word. Mum placed a gentle hand on my shoulder to stop me.
“Kris, I appreciate your desperation to get to class, but I’m going to inform you first that you have an afterschool detention where me, you and Father Alvin are going to talk about this,” the mention of Father Alvin made my heart turn to sludge and fall into the soles of my feet, rooting me to the spot, “and pending the results of that conversation, you are also grounded and prohibited from ever being alone with Susie again. Now get to class.”.
I nodded, shrugged off her grasp, and trudged my way to class. The entire day was experienced through a thick haze; whenever I tried to speak, I was struck by a certain aphasia that left my tongue cleaved to the roof of my mouth, so instead I just stayed quiet, tried to avoid answering questions, tried to avoid being asked them. I didn’t get much work done. Every time I tried to think all I could do was worry, so I found myself replaying my memories, replaying my mother’s voice, replaying last night, trying to escape my present predicament through travelling back to the past. But consistently I was brought back by the black hole that had made its home in my gut, devouring every feeling and thought I had, twisting and distorting it. School ended, and I stayed where I was, not wanting to move, internally begging time to stop, desperate for just a few more precious minutes where I didn’t have to deal with what was coming.

My mother found me, rooted to my chair, white knuckles gripping the edges of my desk.
“Oh, there you are, okay I suppose we’ll come to you,” she said, walking in reservedly, and moving two of the chairs and their desks to mirror my own. Shuffling in behind her, every movement deliberate and looking like it could be his last, came Father Alvin, spiritual shepherd of our community. My mother, too big for the chair, instead chose to sit on the desk, her concerned, disappointed gaze falling upon me. Father Alvin chose to sit at the chair, and rested his stubby little arms gently upon the desk, not deigning to look at me. In a voice like old pages turning, he began his spiel.
“So your mother told me what happened,” I wondered briefly exactly how much he knew, “and I must say Kris, that I am very disappointed in you. What would Asriel think?”.
I kept quiet, kept my head bowed, avoided their eyes. Asriel would be happy for me. Without a response, Alvin continued.
“Now you know that I’m no fire and brimstone type, and I prefer that young people have a chance to make their own mistakes, but your mother has brought me in to remind you of some pretty important parts of the faith, Kris,” Father Alvin continued, the wet smacking of his paradoxically dry mouth growing more obnoxious with every passing word, “and that’s that intimacy, of the kind you participated in, before blessed union, and especially at your age, is a mark of the dark one’s interference,” ‘yes, there certainly was a dark one involved’ I thought to myself, “and that intimacy with someone of your own sex is especially wrong; the Creator split us in two for a reason, so that we could find our other half and live in blessed union. Cavorting with the same sex is a distraction from that journey that you must not give into,” Father Alvin continued, the old fuck attempting his best expression of sympathy towards a poor, lost sinner, “so I hope, with this reminder, that you will avoid such liasons in future; the safety of your soul depends on it Kris.” Father Alvin finished, altogether too pleased with himself, and awaiting a response. I said nothing. Alvin and Mum watched me expectantly. I said nothing. My heart was a meatgrinder, my mind was a ball of razorwire and hate, my cheeks burned with a fire that I wanted to breathe, I wanted to kill the world with nothing but my teeth. I felt like all that was good had left my body and all that remained was an anger that wanted to turn the entire world into nothing but mulched up shit.
“Kris?” Mum searched, “Are you going to say anything?”.
I looked up at Alvin, and using all of the patience and strength I had left in my body, I muttered.
“Thank you, Father Alvin.” Which seemed to satisfy him, as he nodded, stood up, and shuffled out of the room.

After Father Alvin was safely out of the room, my mother, in a measured tone, decided to continue working at me with the twin-tailed flail of disappointment and damnation.
“So Kris, there were a couple of things I wanted to discuss without the Father here,” she started, standing to loom over me, perhaps subconsciously asserting her position, “and the first is, how long have you been lying to me?”
Difficult question. I shrugged.
“That’s not an answer Kris.”.
“Month.” Her face flushed with anger, but she kept her expression and tone level.
“Then that’s how long you’re grounded for. Now the second question is, who is that boy, and why does he look exactly like your brother?”.
Fuck. I was hoping she wouldn’t notice.
“Ralsei.”
“Yes I know his name Kris, who is he?”
“Boyfriend.”
“Yes, funnily enough I picked up on that. Where does he come from?”
“Out of Town.”
“Who are his parents?”
“Don’t exist.”
Mum was taken aback for a second, then frowned, the flush leaving her face, then sighed.
“Oh Kris, what would your brother say?”
I looked her in the eye. I tried to make my expression steely to keep myself from crying.
“ ‘I understand, and I love you’, is what he said,” I stated coldly. Mum blinked.
“Asriel knew?”
“He’s always known.”

My brother was the first boy that I ever had a crush on, after all.

Chapter Text

Yeah I was hoping we could avoid talking about this.

It was in the basement, hidden from the dim light of the mushroom constellations in the corner, that I first felt what love was like. I loved my Mum, and my Dad, and I’d always loved Asriel, but I’d never really felt that love; it was just a fact of life. Of course I loved them; they were my family, they would always love me and I would always love them. But in the perfect nook of my older brother’s frame that I first truly felt love; serene and total comfort, affection, need, all bubbled up through a layer of physical connection that catalysed the process.
“Asriel?” I had whispered, muffled by his arm around my face.
“Yeah squirt?” He responded, the vibrations of his voice travelling through my skull as I leaned against his neck.
“I love you.”
“I love you too buddy.”
“I wanna marry you.”
He’d laughed nervously at that, recognising it for what it was; the sleepy murmurings of a child who didn’t know better.
“Do you even know what that means squirt?”
“It means I wanna be like Mum and Dad, but forever, with you.”
“Oh yeah? And who’s Mum and who’s Dad?”
My cheeks had burned, because I’d actually considered it.
“I’d be Mum, because I like pies, and you’d be Dad, because you’re the big, comfy one,” I said, my voice firm with the resolve of someone who’s got it all figured out. Asriel chuckled softly, and nuzzled the back of my head. There was a few moment of silence, which Asriel broke, carefully.
“How long you been thinking about that kiddo?”
“Not long.”
“Do you think you’d wanna marry any other boys?”
“I dunno.”
“Do you think you’d wanna be like Mum aside from just liking pies?”
“I wanna be Mum when I grow up.”
“I see.”
He squeezed me extra tight then.
“Okay buddy, I understand.”
And I think, he really did, even better than I did.

Obviously my crush on Asriel didn’t stick with me. Obviously I still don’t have a crush on my brother, that’d be even weirder than I am. But these things, the places where your romantic or sexual understanding first starts to open up and explore the world, they have their ripples, undeniably. When I began to suspect that I liked boys and girls equally, when I entered, like a lamb to the slaughter, into puberty, Asriel was the first person I talked to about it, the only person I could talk to about it. I’m not a psychologist, but I can’t help but feel that Asriel being so closely tied to my sexual and romantic maturation and understanding of myself had its ripple effects. Not least of which was how cute I found Ralsei.

I don’t have a crush on my brother. I don’t want to marry him. I certainly don’t want to have sex with him. But Ralsei is the cutest boy I’ve ever seen, and I’d marry him in a heartbeat.

I returned home with my mother, after she’d finished up with grading papers at school, and the car ride was silent and longer than the distance should’ve allowed for. We entered the house, I went straight to my room, and I cried. I don’t know how long for, but I cried hard, my face becoming a lake of tears and snot and my throat becoming little else than an instrument for playing the music of pure despair; heaving, heavy sobs, with each sob ringing in my ears like a gunshot. When I couldn’t cry anymore, I fell asleep, and I stayed asleep. Then I went to school. Then I came home. Then I cried. Then I fell asleep. Then I went to school. Then I came home. The next day. The next day. The next day. Every day became the same, bled into eachother, became an endless smear of grey, loathsome misery against what just before had been the emerging colourscape on my life’s canvas; a bright and vivid world brought to ruin by an endless tsunami of tedious, repressive, bland, boring shit that drained the form from everything around it.

I couldn’t take it anymore.

I couldn’t live like this.

So, one day, I got home, and instead going to my room and crying, I packed my bags with what had, and what I needed, and I stole out the front door while Mum was reading. In the time that it took her to get to the front door, I was gone, and only going further. It wasn’t far to go, and when I came upon those doors it was like reaching an embassy in a country that wanted me dead. I opened the door. Dad was tending flowers.
“I’ll be with you in a minute, let me just finish dead-heading…” He said, mistaking me for a customer, as usual. It was more trouble than it was worth to correct him. Plus, I wanted the cuddle that I’d get as soon as he noticed it was me. He turned, he smiled, he ran up to me, and for the first time in a long time I hugged him back as he lifted me off the ground, his muscular arms holding me tight, his powerful frame reassuring me that everything was going to be okay. I held on for longer than I’d care to admit, but Dad didn’t mind. After a minute, maybe more, he set me down.
“So what’s up kiddo? Why’ve you come to see your old man?”
Laconically, hoarsely, I relayed what had happened to him. His face fell further and further as I spoke, and by the time that I was done there were tears in his eyes. He could do nothing but pull me in for another hug, and nuzzle my head, and do everything that had made me feel so safe when I was a child. As he held me, I found inside myself that I missed Asriel more than I knew. I asked to stay with Dad, and the sadness did not leave his face; it grew twice-over.
“Kiddo…” he started, choking slightly on the tears he didn’t want to shed, because if he did he knew that I might start crying too, and us just bawling at eachother wasn’t going to fix anything, “You’ve seen the backroom, I’m sorry. I sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag, I can’t let you live here.”
“Can’t go back,” I managed. He nodded sympathetically, thoughtfully.
“Tell you what,” He said, “Your girlfriend and boyfriend, they live in the manor in the woods right?” I nodded, “and your girlfriend’s big brother would be there to look after you right?”
I nodded again, managing a slight smile as I began to realise what he was planning.
“I can tell your Mum that you’re coming to live with me on the weekends,” He said, mapping the conversation out in his mind, “Tell her we just miss eachother so goshdarn much that I’ve got to have you with me for a couple days a week. I’ll buy you a bed so she doesn’t worry. Then, if you wanna go out to see your girlfriend and boyfriend, I can drive you out there and pick you up the next day. How does that sound?”
I hugged him, overjoyed.

I love him so much.

Chapter Text

Better than it had any right to.

Mum accepted that Dad had a right to see me more often than he did, and I really did get my own bed at dad’s place, and more often than not I would spend at least one day in a weekend with him. However the pull back to my sweethearts was jovian; inescapable, and I feared that if I tried to move against it I would only find myself crushed into dust and scattered to the winds of an uncaring world. So it was that the very first weekend at Dad’s I asked to be driven to the manor, and he obliged me, his kindness and understanding unfaltering. I must admit that the car rides were one of my favourite parts, there and back again; being able to just sit in the car with Dad while he blasted his favourite songs, the same songs he had played while I was still in my car seat, had a nostalgic comfort to it that few other things could capture. However, at the same time, it reminded me of what was gone; there was no glowcap garden to go back to, there was no big brother to rely upon, only a house where my feelings were not only not understood but actively condemned. I could feel the guilt inside my mother, but all I actually experienced was her dedication to tradition forcing its way past her better nature to make her an instrument of the restrictions and repressions it wished to force upon me.

The first time we rolled up to the manor, it was an early morning in midwinter, nearing the Feast of the Wintermoon, and Seb sat outside on the porch. He sat with his steel cable legs crossed as he smoked a cigarette, his free hand absentmindedly stroking the ceiling of the porch (a ceiling that even on his tippy toes, my father could not reach, which I know because he tried).
“Hey there whitebait,” Seb grumbled as he saw me trudge towards him, before pausing to take another pull.
“Hi Seb,” I managed, for the sake of politeness. I had no idea how Seb felt towards me after the incident.
“You ‘member the rules in this house, right smallfry? Heard about your lil’ escapade at the school, don’t want none of that here, understood?” I nodded nervously, staring at my feet. His massive lungs finally exhaled, a plume of smoke smogged the air between us. When it had cleared, I saw Seb’s dagger-claws reaching out towards my chin, and before I could register what was happening a talon was raising my gaze to meet his. I was surprised by what I saw; nothing but a warm smile, so much like the smiles my queen would rarely deign to give me.
“I’m not judgin’ by the way, ‘kay kiddo? Just ‘cause I don’t wanna hear it don’t mean I think it’s wrong. I’m glad you kids got to have some fun. Now scamper on in.”
His hand, the palm of which was bigger than my entire head, reached up now, to ruffle my hair, before coming down to swat me, backhanded, towards the house. The last thing I saw was my Dad coming towards the house, then him and Seb talking about something out of my earshot.

I moved through the old manor like a ghost, ethereal and searching and lost. Occasionally I would call out their names, but could find no sign of them as I tread from one creaky plank to another, gliding over the black flagstones that peppered the household, as if to season my search with some different variety of desperation. It was after some searching that I heard movement behind me, and before I could turn to face it, long arms wrapped around me and held me tight, and the snout that I had laid innumerable kisses upon nestled itself into the crook of my neck.
“Where’ve you been, freak? We’ve missed you.”
I felt a second set of arms wrapping around my leg, and I looked down to see the smiling face of my little prince staring back up at me, adorned with the wide smile that I adored. I leant against her; I reached down to tousle his hair. In kind, she took my weight, nestled further into me, making her nest in my neck, and he came up to meet my hand, turning my tousle in a caress, into a hold of the hips, and finally, feistily, into a grope, as I pulled him closer to me by the rear, and held him tightly to me. For more than a minute I stood there, soaking in the fact that once again, I was where I belonged.

I was home.

We retreated to Susie’s bedroom, and immediately were in the bed, bedded down in blankets and talking about what we’d missed in eachothers’ lives.
“I’m coming back to school soon,” Susie murmured, trying to hide the giddiness in her voice as she played with my hair, “Seb says he’s going to carry me to school so it’s easier not to fall behind, so I should be late less.”
“What about Ralsei?” I managed to mutter through the sleepy haze of resting among beloveds.
“I was thinking I could go back to the dark world while you’re at school,” the little voice nestled between me and Susie whispered, “but I don’t know if I’d be able to come back anytime soon. G-g-getting here the f-f-first time was a f-fluke and…” Ralsei’s voice somehow managed to grow even more quiet, “I-I really don’t wanna have to...to miss you two…” he managed, and the hitch in his words told me he meant it.
Is it strange to say that after our transformation, and after the absence, I was satisfied just to be here with them? Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and even five days away from my sweethearts had been too much to bear, so to be back here with them, to have my canvas once more ignited with colour, was almost more excitement than I could bear. Every time Ralsei nestled into me once more; every time I felt Susie’s hot breath on my skin; every time I held them even closer, pulling them into tightly, as if trying to force us to merge into a single, perfect, contented being; every time I was viscerally reminded that I was back with them, my heart would nearly explode, my eyes would nearly blossom with tears, my soul would swell inside my body and exceed it, encompassing them too. I needed them closer, and I needed them more. So in my desperation I hatched another idiocy.
“What if Ralsei came to school?”
“W-would th-that work? Wouldn’t your m-m-mother get a-angry?”
“Honestly who the fuck cares what her mama thinks, we’ve just got to be careful about it.”
“I-I suppose…”

So it was resolved; Seb would bring Ralsei to school along with Susie, and Ralsei, Susie and I would go back to the supply closet after school, while Dad assured Mum that he was keeping a watchful, judgemental eye on me.

You may already see a flaw in this plan: Returning to the scene of the crime.

Chapter Text

We sure are.

That Was Convoluted

It’s called In Media Res.

Now pipe down, it’s not your turn to speak.

It became routine; on the weekends I would visit them at Susie’s place, Seb and my Dad would converse on the porch, I’d go inside, bed down, talk, be close to them. On the weekdays, Ralsei would spend the day tending flowers with my dad while Susie and I, almost to spite the world, would hold hands throughout class, smiling even with the sidelong glances of our peers cursing us (an occurrence that was hidden from my mother by the fact that Miss Alphys was terrified of Susie). After school, Susie and I would make a show to Mum of going to Dad’s, to be under his careful gaze (while my mother didn't presently like my father, she trusted him to respect her authority as my primary parent), before sneaking back into school in the darkling afternoon with Ralsei, to be together in that supply closet. Sometimes things escalated; mostly not. Mostly we just sat in the dark together, happy to be in our haven. Though our little cave was cold, and hidden under the lake of a world that did not understand it, it was ours, and it was down there with Grendel and his mother that we were happiest. However, something about it, the stealth and guile required to keep our love undisturbed, it created a spiritual sickness in our souls that metastasized the longer it went on; a black cancer that latched to our hearts, and made every touch burn in its own subtle way, burn with questions. Is this right? Is this wrong? How can we be so sure? How do we stop? Why would we?

I couldn’t live like this anymore. In truth, I was the cancer. It was my part in this that made it all so confusing and strange; my mother, my strangeness, my impulse, my skulduggery. So I resolved that there was but one way to fix this: I had to remove myself from the equation. So it was that the week before the Feast of the Wintermoon, on the last weekend I intended to spend with them, that I broke up with Susie and Ralsei. Susie went silent, cold as her blood, unresponsive, said nothing, nodded quietly. Ralsei burst into tears almost immediately, once he comprehended exactly what was happening. I tried not to cry, tried to be strong, tried to remind myself that this was the best thing for all of us. Tears welled in my eyes and I blinked them away, my cheeks burned with a rage at the unfairness of it all. Ralsei sobbed into my chest and I held him there, tightly, never wanting to let go but knowing that I had to.
“Alright then, fine, if you’re finding this too hard you can just fuck off, coward,” Susie muttered, hiding her face behind her bangs. Ralsei continued to sob deeply, and I could feel it in my chest, and I was reminded of my own sobs when I was first separated from them.

It was only going to get worse from here.

“What are you waiting around for? I said fuck off!” Susie yelled, trying to peel Ralsei off my chest as he sobbed and tightened his grip. I kissed his head quickly, then pulled his arms away from me. As I stood up to leave, Ralsei’s sobs turned to wails, and I didn’t have to strength to turn back. As far as I knew at the time, this was the point of no return. It was over. My heart was broken into three pieces, and Susie and Ralsie would always be holding onto a third of me. I went home with Dad. I didn’t cry. I went home to Mum. I didn’t sleep. I didn’t go to school. I didn’t eat. The Feast break rolled around. I did nothing all day but sleep, only waking up to eat and piss, only indulging in my most basic biological functions. Sleep. Piss. Eat. Sleep. Piss. Eat. Repeat ad nauseam. Then one day while I was up to get a snack, there was a knock at the door.
“Kris, sweetheart, can you get it?” Mum called from the kitchen, where she was hard at working making another pie I couldn’t bring myself to eat. Reluctantly, I shuffled to the door and opened it, ready to miserably greet whoever had come to disturb my wallowing. When I saw who it was, my eyes lit up.
“Hey there squirt!” my big brother said, beaming at me, towering over me like I always remembered him, lanky yet confident in his step, his spectacles resting on his nose and shining in the winter sun, “how’ve you been kiddo?”
I hugged him so hard I almost knocked him on his ass. I felt his arms wrap around my head, and I felt him rock me side to side like he used to do to get me to fall asleep when I was really little.
“That bad huh? We can talk about it once I’ve seen Mum, ‘kay?” he said, his voice as carefree and caring as I remembered it. I held onto him for longer than was okay, and with a gentle pull he extricated me from him, with a “keep your hair on buddy, I’ll cuddle you s’more in a sec, alright?” and then went to talk to Mum. I hid in the living room, knowing that she’d be reporting what happened before I could. The ensuing argument was hard to hear through the walls, and also just hard to hear in general.

“What do you mean you knew?!”
“Of course I knew, I actually talk to her! I actually listen to her feelings! That’s also why dad knows! You’re the only person in this family that’s weird about it!”
“What does that mean?!”
“It means that your weird need for validation from the community is fucked!”
“Don’t use that language with me!”
“You’re making her life hell! Stop making your child miserable to keep Father Alvin happy and let her live her damn life!”
There was the resounding sound of flesh hitting flesh from the kitchen.
“You DO NOT get to talk to me like that. Just because you’ve gone off to university and left your family behind doesn’t mean you get to come back and order me around. I am your MOTHER for pete’s sake!”
Asriel exited the kitchen quietly, and seeing me sitting in Mum’s chair, crouched next to me, and did his best to muster one of his best smiles. His face was still asymmetrically red.
“Hey squirt, wanna go to our room and talk about it?” he managed croakily, voice hoarse from yelling. I nodded gently.
“Want me to carry you?”
I nodded, and he scooped me up effortlessly, carrying me to bed and laying me down, before perching at the foot. He crossed his legs, took a second to clean his spectacles, then slapped his thighs and turned his gaze to me with a winning smile.
“Come on then kiddo, out with it.”

Then, I told him everything.

"So this Ralsei kid looks exactly like me?" I nodded bashfully, hugging my knees to my chest, trying to hide my face behind them. Asriel chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his neck; he looked so much like Dad these days.
"Don't still wanna marry me do you squirt?" Asriel asked playfully, and I kicked him gently in the butt before shaking my head emphatically, and he raised his hands in mock surrender.
"Ok, ok, it's just a coincidence! The heart wants what it wants, after all. Though, of course..." He struck a ridiculous pose with such vigour that his spectacles flew off his nose and clattered to the floor, framing his face with his fingers and looking at me with a goofy smile, "...I am devilishly handsome, who wouldn't want to date someone like me?"
I turned a deep shade of crimson and could do nothing but patter his side with gentle kicks, deeply embarrassed that we were even talking about this and even more embarrassed by my brother's ridiculousness.

Chapter Text

With a Wintermoon party in the parlour room of a rotting manor.

After Asriel’s fight with Mum, and after I had caught him up on all that had happened, we headed to Dad’s. Seeing that Asriel was almost as tall as Dad was a little jarring; it put into perspective how massive he was becoming, and how massive he was still to become. I sat in silence on my bed while Asriel explained to Dad what had occured. For the first time in my entire life I saw anger flash in my father’s face; not for long, and not intensely, but I saw his brow furrow and his frown almost turn to a snarl. For a moment I could almost see an image of him in older days, tearing trees apart with his bare hands; his muscular arms, now only used for powerful hugs, flexing and tensing and through that action reshaping the world effortlessly. Then as soon as it was seen, it was gone, hidden, put away with the rest of the primitive things my father had hidden when the world was made peaceful.

“That’s...That’s rough kiddo,” Dad managed, offering Asriel a glass of water, which he declined.
“No kidding. I don’t want to spend this Wintermoon with her, if I’m honest. I love her but this shit-”
“Hey now, language! None of that with Krissy here!”
Asriel chuckled.
“Dad, Kris is a big girl, she can handle a little bit of swearing. She’s already been told she’s an abomination, I don’t think me saying ‘fuck’ is going to ruin her innocence.”
“Well yeah, I suppose that much is true…” Dad said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously, “which, speaking of, Krissy are you doing okay?”
Hugging my knees to my chest, I shook my head slowly. Dad plodded over to my bed and squeezed me to his side, and Asriel joined us on my other side. I started to cry quietly.
“It’s okay squirt, you don’t have to be okay after what you’ve been going through,” Asriel said, leaning down to speak into my hair and give my head a tender kiss, “life’s hard enough at your age without all this heartbreak and misery, it’s not fair to make it harder on you.”
“I don’t even know what to say Krissy, your mother didn’t used to be like this. I think it’s only gotten worse since we separated and your brother left for university. I feel like she just wants to keep you close to her since you’re the only family she has left with her.”
“I don’t want to be with her anymore,” I managed through my sobs, “I’d rather live here at the shop and never eat pie again than have to live like this.” I could hardly breathe between words and sobs, and when I did it was in deep gasps, like I had just come up for air while drowning in an ocean of despair. I could feel the movement of the two towering men beside me looking to each other, and I could see in my mind the expressions on their faces; small and powerless as the child I am, once more.
“Look Krissy, how about we do it like this…”
And it was then that we hatched our final plan.

We pulled up outside the manner, and Seb was on the porch as usual, enjoying his cigarette of the day (he was trying to cut back after Susie got angry over worrying about him), and his expression shifted noticeably as he watched us approach.
“Hey there Ass-boy!” Seb called out to us, and for a moment I thought he was talking to me. Then I heard my brother sigh heavily next to me, and when I looked up to see him he was sans spectacles, rubbing his eyelids patiently.
“Hi Sebastian,” Asriel called out after putting his specs back on, “we’ve come to suggest something for the feast of Wintermoon. You want to come down here so we can have a chat?”
Seb stood up, stubbed his cigarette out against his tongue, and swallowed it. Then, like a willow that had learned to walk, he advanced on us, covering the distance between us in three steps after unfurling himself from the porch’s too-small doorway. Such was the rapidness of Seb’s approach that Asriel found himself staring at a grease stain on Seb’s stomach before dourly turning his gaze upward to meet Seb’s face, which was leering over him, teeth all exposed.

“I’m all ears,” Seb grinned, thick saliva dripping from his yellow teeth onto Asriel’s head.
“Sebastian, are you seriously going to be an asshole right now because I didn’t go on a date with you four years ago? You remember it’s been four years right?”
Dad and I were both pretty shocked by that particular revelation, and at our naked surprise Asriel blushed. Seb’s grin only grew in its width and malicious intent.
“No, I’m gonna be an asshole right now because your smallfry lil’…” Seb turned his attention to me, “Sister?” he questioned, I nodded, he nodded, then continued, “because your lil’ whitebait here broke up with MY little sister and made her cry! No one gets ta make my lil’ sister cry! You’re lucky I’m out here bein’ an asshole and not gettin’ my gun!”
“Oh don’t pretend you have a gun Sebastian, we both know they’d never give you one with your mental health record.” That seemed to cow him somewhat, and Seb backed up, straightened his flannel shirt, and tucked another cigarette between his teeth.
“Hurry up and hit me with your suggestion, I wanna go back inside ‘fore my fingers fall off” he muttered, flexing his arachnodactylic digits to keep the circulation of his cool blood flowing.
“We want to have Wintermoon with you, Susanne and Ralsei, at your house, together, as a family.”
“We stopped bein’ fam’ly when our sisters stopped datin’, so what’re you suggestin’?”
“I’m suggesting that Kris,” Asriel paused to ruffle my hair in demonstration, “never actually wanted to break up with your charges and is going to go back inside now and beg for their forgiveness and ask to be with them again, isn’t that right squirt?” Under Asriel’s hand, I nodded enthusiastically. Some of Seb’s malice ebbed away.
“Well if that’s how it is…” Seb turned his baleful gaze to me, “Go on, git inside, I’m sick of having to hear her moan about how much she misses you, git goin’ and fix this.”
I looked to Dad and Asriel for permission, and received a staggering four thumbs up. I took off, and behind me heard the beginning of Seb and Dad returning to getting on like a house on fire, as well as Asriel being called ‘ass-boy’ more times than I could count on one hand.

I walked in, and standing in the hallway before me like ghosts of a slain future were Susie and Ralsei. Ralsei looked nervous and hopeful. Susie hid her eyes and her soul from me behind her bangs.
“What’re you doing here, coward? Shouldn’t you be running off back to your mama?” she growled, bearing her teeth and trying for all the world to imitate her atavism of an older brother. God, her fierceness made her so beautiful. However, I could tell from the way that she was gripping Ralsei’s hand, holding him close to her, practically hiding behind him, that she was only pretending to be brave.
“H-H-Hi K-Kris…” Ralsei whispered, meeting my gaze with a blush and a hesitant smile, “W-W-We’ve m-m-missed you…”
God, he was so cute. I wanted to hug him and squeeze him and pet him and kiss him and love him over and over and over. I wanted them both as I had had them before. I wanted them so bad that my soul came ablaze in my chest, and I was stirred to action despite my cowardice, all the cancer burned away in a single act of purification.
“I can’t live without you,” I said confidently, “and even if I could, I wouldn’t want to. I would sooner extinguish every star in the sky than never see the twinkle in your eye or a smile on your face again. Without you my life is nothing but misery and with you it is nothing less than wonderful.” Tears were streaming freely down my face as Ralsei and Susie watched silently. I continued, “you give me life and meaning and purpose like I’ve never felt before. I need you like a fish needs water, like a bird needs to fly, like a tree needs to grow.” I felt myself falling to my knees, no longer able to look straight at them as I spoke, “please, please forgive my cowardice, forgive my idiocy, forgive every sin I have committed against you, I repent for all of them, unconditionally, just…” my forehead came to the cold flagstone beneath me, “please let me back into your arms, into your heart, because I never want to leave again.”

I heard heavy footsteps on the flagstones approaching me. Two big hands reached under my armpits and lifted me effortlessly into the air. I worked up the courage to look her in the face. Her hair was out of her eyes; her big, beautiful eyes, welling with tears, stared back at me, her mouth strung into that smile that made my heart explode.
“Wow,” she started, “what the fuck? That’s the most I’ve ever heard you say. What the fuck?”
I grabbed her by the cheeks, and I kissed her as much as I could, so happy to be tasting her again, before her arms got tired and she dropped me onto shaking legs. Standing expectantly in front of me when I landed was my little prince.
“H-Hi,” he stammered, bashfully looking at the floor, kicking his paws together playfully, “C-can I h-have some of that?” he said, a cheeky smile spreading across his face. I picked him up, supporting his bottom in the crook of my arm, and with my off-hand reached around to the back of his head and took hold. He gasped the tiniest, sweetest breath I’d heard in my entire life, before I gave him what he wanted. Susie watched beaming as Ralsei and I shared a kiss. I broke away after a time, knowing that desperate little Ralsei wouldn’t be the one to end it, and looked between them.
“Are we together again?”
“Of course we are, freak, life without you sucks ass.”
Ralsei, in his excitement and bashfulness, could do little other than nod enthusiastically into the crook of my neck, kicking his legs wildly.

We walked out together, onto the porch, and the adults in our life that had shown that they cared about us turned to see us. Dad, who was seeing Ralsei's face for the first time, glanced rapidly between it and Asriel's, and naked confusion spread across his own. When his eyes settled on Asriel, it was all they could do but to shrug at eachother, It was painful to witness, but nothing was going to burst my bubble right now; I was on top of the world. Asriel turned away from Dad and laid his attention back to me and mine.
“All sorted then?” my brother called out to me, and I nodded, still carrying Ralsei in my arms. Dad and Seb both threw their arms in the air triumphantly and began whooping in unison.
“Seb you weirdo, shut up!” Susie shouted at her brother, who ignored her completely. I couldn’t help but smile.
So we went inside, made our plans for Wintermoon, me draped across Susie and Ralsei draped across me on the antique leather sofa that dominated the parlour while our patriarchs discussed the logistics. The fire in the hearth was the only light and warmth in the house, but my life was the warmest and lightest it had felt in a long time. After a short evening, and lots of planning, we bid our farewells, and headed back into the forest at night, our plan finally in motion. When Wintermoon rolled around, Asriel and I left Mum a note in the kitchen and headed to Dad’s to get a ride to the manor, taking with us as many blankets as we could. The note read as follows.

“Mum,

We’ve gone to Susanne and Sebastian’s house. We’re having Wintermoon there with Dad, Ralsei, and the other two. You can either stick to thinking your baby is going to suffer forever for who they love or you can come celebrate Wintermoon as a family. The choice is yours, and the choice you make will be remembered.

Love,
Asriel and Kris”

Obviously, Asriel wrote the letter. I edited it though.

So it was that on the cold morning of Wintermoon, we snuck away to Dad’s, and once more he drove us to Susie and Seb’s house. At Susie and Seb’s the fire was already raging, Seb was already making pigs in jackets (Hotdogs wrapped in mince meat), the comfort piles of duvets and blankets we’d discussed were already set up in the parlour (though we bolstered them with our own supplies) and Dad and Seb desperately tried to figure out how to set up Dad’s TV with the ancient, renovated mains in the house. Susie, Ralsei and I tried to bake a Wintermoon cake, an effort that was only saved from being disastrous by Ralsei’s careful control of the situation, save for his inability to stop Susie from eating half the batter before we could get it in the oven. I was happy to be home, with the people that loved me most in all the world (and Seb), but there was an anxiety throughout the day that roiled in my gut and soured even the sweetest moments (like when I daubed Ralsei’s nose with cake batter and Susie was upon him like a wild animal).

But as the sun began to set, and we began to settle in to watch Wintermoon movies as a family, we heard the sound of a car pulling up outside (a rare occurrence out here in the woods). I rushed to the door, and opened it. Standing by her car, carrying a cinnamon and butterscotch pie, trying her best smile despite her nervousness, was my mother.
“Hey sweetheart,” she choked out, her voice hoarse in a way I found all too familiar, her eyes red, in a way that I’d never seen them be before, “Is it okay if I come in?”
I ran out to her, and hugged her tight, wrapping my arms around her waist. She took an arm away from the pie and wrapped it around my head. She rocked me gently, the way that Asriel had learned to when we were very small, and I could hear the tears beginning again.
“Oh Krissy, baby, I’m so sorry,” she started, and all I could do was squeeze her tighter, “how could I be so awful? I’m so sorry.”
Asriel came out next, and he joined the hug, and I was sandwiched between them, and I thought I heard Dad coming in to be a part of it, but Mum’s sidelong glare informed him that no, this moment was not for him, it was for the kids. After we had hugged the pain away, all four of us went inside. Mum tearfully apologised to Susie and Ralsei. We watched the movies; Mum talked to Ralsei, and liked him almost as much as I did (though was still unnerved by his resemblance to her eldest). After the movies, we had dinner, which was thankfully saved by the fact that Mum helped Seb make it, and at the end of the night we handed out our presents. The last thing I remember of the night was saying our farewells, my queen’s hair kept out of her face by a new hairband I had got her, decorated with battleaxes, my little prince’s left ear adorned with the cutest little white ribbon. That night, I dreamt peacefully, knowing, hoping, dreaming, that everything was going to be better from hereonout.

Chapter Text

I fucked up I'm a dummy go read Coming Home.

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