Chapter Text
1.
I had known it as a fact for a long time. Hephaistion was special to my lord, my king Alexander.
The first time I saw Hephaestion on the court, I was stunned by his appearance. He was tall and slim, with a face that can make one catch his or her breath at the first sight. His eyes, a shade of light blue, if possessed by one of my kind, would definitely cause many noble men fighting over him. And yet he was a general. Such beauty, possessed by a general? My heart ached a little. Life is never fair. When he possessed status, wealth, beauty……, I was here, smiling fake smiles, trembling inside, hoping my new master would treat me with some mercy. At that moment, I hadn’t lost my heart to my king. He was only another powerful man I need to charm to survive.
The second time I saw Hephaistion, I was preparing the king’s bath as he read a letter. Hephaistion walked in to the king’s room with a rarely seen grace, sat behind the king, and so naturally raised his hands to knead the king’s shoulders. I silently gaped at the intimacy and how affectionate he was doing it. The king closed his eyes and leaned back, seemingly wanted to melt into the very welcomed tough.
So they are not just friends after all, I thought. The rumors turned out to be true. There was a strange twitch in my chest, but I could not name it still then. I couldn’t fathom at the time that I, for the first time in my life, had fallen in love with the man who owned my body.
When I was trying to place my feeling, Hephaistion suddenly shot me a sharp glance. I should be afraid, as he was a powerful man who I had every reason to be afraid of. But I was not. Instead, I felt a bitter, pathetic victory; for I, a concubine and a eunuch, had just made a general jealous.
To my surprise, later when I tried to coax the king to talk about this man I started to see as enemy, the king just shook his head and said: “Hephaistion is not my lover. He is my best friend…… almost part of my soul actually.” I didn’t believe his words, thought.
“Couldn’t he be both?” I asked, pretending my motivation was only innocuous curiosity.
The king said nothing. But I could see there’s a trace of unmistakable sorrow in his eyes.
The third time I saw Hephaistion was in the tent of my king. The king had killed someone in the rage fuel by alcohol, and since then had been indulged in drunken misery and mindless coupling with me. I could sense he was trying to use my body to escape his grief, but I didn’t care the least.
My king, the most powerful man in the empire, was baring his vulnerability in front of me. The fact made me felt infinite gentleness and unexpected protectiveness toward this man. It was at this point, I began to see the king as my lover instead of my master.
The king refused to see anyone, and I was perfectly fine with that. I didn’t care if the king was losing his power. I didn’t need my man to be powerful, so long as he was contented and happy in my arms. I failed to understand that he could never survive without his dream. Or maybe I had seen, but refused to admit. I was so absorbed by the fact that now I was the only one he wanted to be with, and the only one that was reflected in his eyes.
But a dream, no matter how beautiful it was, is bounded to be waked.
One morning, when the king was still lying in bed with me, a servant rushed inside and stuttered that Hephaistion was heading toward here and that everyone had tried but failed to stop him.
The king went very still in my arms. The next minute, he sat up fiercely like a child woke up from a terrible dream, and yelled franticly:”No! No! Stop him! I don’t care what you do, beg him! Drug him if you must. Just stop him!”
When I tried to sooth him, he just kept babbling: “I can’t let him see me now! How could I? I can’t let him see me like this……not like this……”
My heart sank at his words, as I suddenly realize, the reason he had chosen me to stay with his instead of Hephaistion was that he couldn’t bear to let Hephaistion, the man he cared most, despise him.
When Hephaistion entered and forced the king to face him, the king finally collapsed. The king may bare his vulnerability at me, but it is to Hephaistion, he could bare his soul. He started to tell Hephaistion. He said he felt like a dead man already. He said he fear he had become a tyrant without knowing it. He went on and on, and during the process never bothered to look at me once.
I couldn’t help it; I glared at Hephaestion darkly……but only for a minute, before I saw how deep the pain was in those beautiful eyes. Finally, Hephaistion gathered the king into his arms and murmured into his ear: ”I would not let you become a tyrant. I’ll always be here, watching you. I am your Patroclus, remember? I’ll fight anyone for you, even yourself. ”
The king laughed a little, though vaguely. The king lifted his head from Hephaistion’s chest to look at Hephaistion with adoration--- like Hephaistion was the king instead of himself. The love in his eyes couldn’t be missed save for a blind man.
2.
The fourth time I saw Hephaistion is the first time I spent some time with alone him.
I was walking in a garden when a hand suddenly covered my mouth. The next minute, I was dragged toward an empty booth. When I was released, I turned and saw the man who just attacked me was one of the officers of the king. I had seen him only once, but I had noticed his lustful eyes on me even then. I realized with a sudden chill what was going to happen.
“You are going to obey me, or I’ll kill you and one of the servant, and told the king I saw you two doing some really nasty things and so I killed you for him.” the officer grinned, his eyes narrowed with lust and menace. “And before I chop you open, I’ll have my way with you anyway.”
“The king would not believe such a thing.” I protested, with the confidence I did not truly feel.
I know the king was closed to me; he liked me, and even allowed himself to show some weaknesses before me sometimes. But trust might be something too extravagant for a eunuch to want. And even if he believed me, I doubted he would kill an officer for me.
“Why? I am his comrade and had bled for him. And you are just an expensive toy to vent his lust. ”
That definitely was not the first time I heard such insults, but it hurt nonetheless. I lowered my head in pain. Just pretend you are a corpse and it would end pretty soon, I told myself. Why should it matter anyway? I’m not a virgin to begin with, and it’s not like this brute would dare to hurt me……he would not want to leave marks for the king to find out what he had done.
The man ran his hands over my body. I bit my lip hard it almost bled. And then, suddenly, a chill voice came from behind the man.
“You may want to stop. The king might be generous, but I don’t think that is something he would like to share.” The voice was calm, almost lazy. As I lifted my head, I was surprise to find it was hephaistion. He had saved me, though he acted like he was just giving a comment about the weather. The man immediately released me.
“Hephaistion?” The man tried to sound annoyed.
“In case you haven’t heard, the king is very fond of that boy.” Hephaistion said, like he was doing the officer some favor.
“The way the king was fond of you and your famous thighs?”
I could see Hephaistion went a little pale at the caustic words, but he did not lose his poise.
“Believe me, if I want to bury you, I don’t have to do it through the king.”
The man stared at Hephaistion for a while, and finally made his leave----- thought not without cursing loudly all the way.
“Thank you, my lord.” I bowed my head to Hephaistion, though somehow my voice came out a little stiffly.
“It’s nothing.” He cocked his head a little and said teasingly: “you may want to cover your body first. It’s somewhat distracting.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You are not the one who should be sorry.” He shrugged.
I did not know what to say about that, so I just lowered my gaze and began to straighten up my clothes.
“You are really beautiful.” Hephaistion suddenly said and made me jerk my head up in surprise. But Hephaision did not look at me. He looked……lost and a little sad.
“No, you are beautiful!” I blurted out. I knew I possessed a look that could induce most man’s lust, but comparing me to Hephaistion would like comparing a doll to a sculpture of goddess.
Hephaistion snorted, but not in a menacing way. “I’m a little old to be call beautiful.”
My eyes involuntarily widened. I remembered he was only the same age of the king’s, and he looked much younger for a man of his age.
After a long moment, feeling awkward, I gave my thanks again: “My lord, you have saved my life today. You said it is nothing, but I am truly, deeply grateful.”
“It’s fine. I couldn’t let that scum deprive the king someone he truly care about, could I?”
I was suddenly alarmed. Is Hephaistion implying that he was not pleased by the king’s attention on me?
“My lord, I wouldn’t dare to think……”
Hephaistion cut me off:”He is, trust me. There’re others before you; other……boys. But the king had never overtly claimed anyone but you. And he wanted you to comfort him when he was in distress; when he chased others off….. ”
“My lord, I believe the king didn’t mean to……” I started to say, because I knew too well I couldn’t afford to make such a powerful enemy like Hephaistion.
Hephaistion just shook his head slowly……almost wearily: “It’s fine, really. You bring the king joy, and that’s what important. I will keep you safe for Alexander, so long as you don’t get improper ideas……”
“I’ve never thought I could replace you!” I said hastily.
“Me?” Hephaistion frowned and then shook his head again.”You get it all wrong, Bagoas.”
I was confused. “I do not understand, my lord.”
“It was never like that between me and Alexander. The thing about my thighs……it’s just a joke.” Haphaistion smiled like I was an ignorant baby. And yet, his smile was sad, and his blue eyes dimed a little.
I stared at him distrustfully. Surly he could not hope to fool anyone? Not with the love was so clear in his and the king’s eyes.
Hephaision suddenly burst out laughing. Although he possessed a rare, delicate beauty, at this moment there’s nothing feminine in his gesture. I felt a vague bitterness for what I had been deprived forever, but more than that, bewilderment.
“My lord, did I do something wrong?” I frowned.
“Nothing. It’s just……you act all obedient, and yet your eyes tell everything.”Hephaistion looked like he was trying very hard not laugh out loud again.
“My lord……”
Hephaistion took a deep breath and said: ”I think……that’s probably why the king like you so much.”
“I……”
“To be completely honest, there was a time……” Hephaistion lowered his gaze: “When I believe the king and I would really go that way……but that was a long time ago.”
I was more than stunned to hear this. Why would Hephaistion tell me this? Was this some kind of trick?
And yet, Hephaistion’s beautiful blue eyes didn’t focus on me. His expression looked a little familiar to me. It took me a while to remember……he had the same dreamy look on the king’s face when he was talking about Hephaistion.
“But……you love him?” I asked carefully.
Hephaistion gave me a look like I had said something truly stupid: “Of course I love him. And he loves me. Just in a different way. “
Hephaistion was smiling again. ”And don’t you think for a minute that I am jealous of you. I am Alexander’s best friend and we’ll stay this way until……until the end.”
I was speechless. He was completely blind to the king’s affection. But I had no intension to point it out for him.
“Hephaistion!”
We both turned and saw the king walking toward us.
“Hephaistion!” the king exclaimed again before noticing my existence. “Oh……and you are here too, Bagoas.”
I bowed my head as the two walked toward each other.
“I see you two had been talking.” The king said. “Not some complaints about me I hope, Bagoas?”
The king clearly meant this to be a joke, but I could see he was a little nervous. He was afraid that I was flaunting my relationship with him in front of his beloved Hephaistion, I suddenly realized.
Hephaision beat me to answer: “I was the one who did the complaining.”
“Oh really? And what’s that?” the king turned to me.
But Hephaistion turned to me as well, and lifted a finger across his lips like a mischief kid──his looked really adorable when he did that──and said to me: “Don’t tell him, Bagoas. You will not betray me, will you?”
Like I had a choice if the king forced me, I thought.
Of course, soon after Hephaestion leave, the king turned to me: “What were you talking about, really?”
I considered slandering Haphaistion, thought very briefly. I found I couldn’t really bring myself to hate him.
But I had to tell the king something.
“That’s not true. He was not complaining, my lord.”
“I know.” The king said, like the question had never even crossed his mind: ”But what did he said?”
“He said he is your best friend and will continue to be till the end.”
The king smiled: “That is true.”
“My lord,” I couldn’t help it: “But are you content of being his friend?”
The king tensed visibly, and I was so afraid if I had trod on a forbidden territory that I involuntarily took a step back.
“Bagoas, relax.” The king said after a sigh. “I am not angry and I promise you are safe with me. It’s just……Hephaistion is……not like that.”
If possible, I was even more confused.
“When we were little, our teacher told us the highest love is love between two men that transcend flesh……” the king’s expression turned dreamy again. “I think that’s what Hephaistion wants. And……it’s beneath Hephaestion if I, if we……no. I can’t make him……I can’t turn him into……”
I was in awe by that point. Was he really telling me that……that he loves Hephaistion too much to take him for his own?
The king suddenly stopped. He turned to me: “I’m not saying you are……”
I shook my head and stepped forward to place my head on the king’s shoulder. “I am not unhappy, my lord. I am glad that there’s something I can offer and he can’t. ”
The king rewarded my words by gentle patting on my head.
“What else did he said?” the king asked.
I thought about it.
“He said I am beautiful.”
The king was silent for a long while.
“That you are.” He finally said.
3.
There was a time, when Hephaistion was frequently away from the court. They said he was the best diplomat and ambassador the king had ever had, and he was obviously eager to give his best to the kingdom. But from what I’d seen, the king was not always happy about Hephaistion’s enthusiasm.
“Hephaistion wants to prove himself.” The king once told me: “No matter how many times I try to convince him that he does indeed deserves his current status.”
That’s Hephaistion’s flaw then, I thought. He’s honorable and proud. Proud means self-preservation; proud also stopped him from throwing himself toward the king. That’s why I was the one who slept in the arms of the king, not him. I had long been denied my dignity and I didn’t have anything to preserve either.
When Hephaistion was away, it was like part of the king’s soul had gone with him. He would stood on the balcony, trying to judge which direction lead to Hephaistion’s current position, and stood there for a long time.
There’s one time, the king leaned on the railing of the balcony reading a letter, and all of sudden burst into crazy laughers.
“My lord, you seem……pleased.” I said. “What’s so special about the letter?”
‘Is it from Hephaistion?‘ was what I really wanted to ask.
“It’s from the king of one of my ally country.” The king said with a smile: “It’s really funny.”
“What did he do?” I asked. The king was having less and less laugher lately. I was all too eager to know what it was that made him so happy.
“He was afraid that he might have offended my ambassador.” The king smiled.
So, it was about Hephaistion after all, I thought.
“The king said he had placed a bunch of women in Hephaistion’s room out of ‘hospitality’. But Hephaistion being Hephaistion was totally unamused. In fact, after he tried and failed to dismiss those women, he just walked away and ends up slept in the servant’s room.”
Ah, that’s Hephaistion, I thought. Then so be it. Let him stay clean and impeccable, and let me have the king.
But things did not turn out the way I wanted.
That winter, in India, Hephaistion fell terribly ill.