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It was early in the morning when Ulaz stumbled out of bed and down to the kitchen. Everyone still seemed to be sleeping, tired from the drills Thace was having them do on a regular basis. Thace himself was still sleeping in their room and while Ulaz didn’t enjoy eating alone, he wasn’t going to wake his mate at this hour just to come eat breakfast with him. So Ulaz made his way down to the kitchen, coming to terms with the fact that he would be eating alone.
He yawned and turned the corner, only to be surprised with Coran at the stove stirring and humming to himself.
“Coran, why are you up so early?” he asked, making his way to the food goo nozzle. He didn’t want to have food goo this early in the morning, or at all, but it would have to suffice.
“Ah, Ulaz, pleasure to see you. I’m just whipping us all up some breakfast.” He gave a thumbs up. “Got to make sure those kids are getting proper nutrition. Especially Keith and Shiro.”
Ulaz nodded in agreement. “They are a bit undernourished, though it’s not debilitating. That’s nice of you. I’m glad someone is helping take care of them.”
“Would you like some? I’ve made more than enough for everyone on the ship.”
Oh, Ulaz hadn’t had anyone cook for him in awhile. The Balmerans would cook for him occasionally, Shay’s grandmother loved company, but they didn’t have a varied diet and Ulaz was craving something that didn’t have insects in it. And Thace, the poor sap, tried to cook for him, but was awful at it. After one too many food poisonings at the hands of Thace’s bastardized meals (and that one time he set the kitchen on fire, prompting the entire Blade base to evacuate), Ulaz and he (and the entire Blade of Marmora) both agreed that he should stay far from the kitchen.
“I would love that. That’s so nice of you to--what is that?” Coran placed a bowl in front of him and he tried not to gag at the smells that were assaulting his nose.
“It’s an old family recipe. Granted, I didn’t have a lot of the ingredients so I had to substitute them, but it still tastes pretty tasty. If I do say so myself.” He puffed up his chest.
Ulaz stared at the bowl, steeling himself to eat the multi-colored, disgusting smelling bowl of food in front of him. Maybe this was one of those dishes that smelled awful, but tasted great.
Coran was staring at him, his eyes shining with anticipation. “Go on, get a nice big spoonful. It’s got all the major food groups.”
He nodded, scooped up some food, and put it in his mouth. Now, when Ulaz was a prisoner of the Galra empire, he had been forced to down some pretty foul things to survive. This was worse.
He forced the food down his throat and smiled at Coran. “Wonderful,” he managed to gasp out.
“Oh, fantastic! I know I’m no Hunk in the kitchen, but I can cook up some delicious grub.”
“Yeah. Listen, Coran, I actually need to go down to the med bay and do some inventory on your supplies, so I’ve got to go.” He had to get out of there. He couldn’t stand another bite. If he left quickly enough maybe he could--
“Don’t forget your food!” Coran pushed the bowl into his hands. “You need to eat just as much as these kids do. Hey, maybe I can bring you down leftovers later.”
Before Ulaz could argue with him, Coran turned back to the stove and continued preparing the meal. He slinked away, his mind spinning with ways to get rid of this disgusting bowl of… he didn’t want to call it food because that was an insult to food. There had to be some way to slip it off the castle without anyone noticing. Perhaps he could figure out how to sneak it into the garbage?
He was so lost in thought that he rounded the corner and crashed right into Hunk. It was only thanks to his training as a Blade and a soldier that allowed him to stay up right.
“Are you alright?” Ulaz asked, pulling the boy back to his feet.
“Yeah, man, my bad. I’m still a little tired.” He yawned. “I just got up so…” He looked down at the bowl in Ulaz’s hand. “What is that?”
What should he say? If Coran cooked for these kids on a regular basis, then they would likely be offended if he, an interloper, were to criticize the food generously prepared for him.
“Coran made me, us, some breakfast. I’m just going to eat this in the med bay.”
If he could get to the med bay, he’d be able to dump it out an air lock or something.
Hunk stared at the food, then looked back up at Ulaz, then back down at the food, then back up at Ulaz. He put his hand underneath the hand holding the bowl, and slammed it up, catching Ulaz off guard and causing the bowl to go sailing up into the air before crashing onto the ground, food splattering along the hallways.
“Oops, guess I’m a little clumsy in the morning.” Hunk shrugged.
“I don’t understand.”
“Look, dude, rule of thumb is to never eat anything Coran offers you. And in the mornings, don’t go into the kitchen until I get there. Coran doesn’t know how to cook, but he keeps trying to get us to eat his stuff.” He put his hands on Ulaz’s shoulders. “I’m sorry you had to be a casualty in this fight.”
Ulaz was struck by the seriousness in his voice. Hunk started walking towards the kitchen. “I’ll bring you by some pancakes later.”
A huge weight lifted off of Ulaz’s chest. If the rest of the paladins didn’t like Coran’s cooking, then maybe he wouldn’t have to subject himself to that torture.
oOoOoOo
Coran put another bowl in front of Ulaz. “What is this?” he asked, nervously.
“Well, none of the paladins ate what I cooked this morning.” Coran looked as though he were pouting. “But you seemed to like so I brought you the leftovers.” He brightened up.
“Oh. Wow. What can I say?” The bowl of food was mocking him. The smell was going to stick with him for weeks. Thace wasn’t going to kiss him if his mouth tasted like this.
“Don’t worry, it tastes just as good cold as it does warm.”
He doubted that, but he spooned some into his mouth anyways.
It wasn’t better.
It was worse. He barely managed to get it down again and wondered what he did in life to deserve such heinous treatment.
“Wow. Um, actually, I was going to find Thace and eat lunch with him. So…” Before Coran could argue with him, he sprinted away from the med bay, not even halfway through the inventory he had started.
“Alright, I’ll just leave it here. It’s good lukewarm as well!” Coran called out.
For the rest of the movement Ulaz was constantly bombarded with Coran’s cooking. He couldn’t escape it. The airlocks were being opened on a regular basis to space it out into oblivion (hopefully space whales enjoyed bastardized foodstuffs).
“You need to tell him you don’t like his cooking,” Thace said one evening in the Paladin lounge. Keith and Shiro were doing some extra training and Allura and Coran were off somewhere discussing strategy, but the rest of the Paladins were sitting in the lounge enjoying one of their rare rest days.
“I can’t. He works so hard. It’d be cruel.” Ulaz was gnawing on his claw, trying to figure out someway that would make Coran stop cooking. “Besides, it hasn’t given me food poisoning yet.”
Thace’s eye twitched.
“Look, dude, he’s not going to stop unless you tell him you don’t like his food,” Lance said.
Keith and Shiro came into the lounge. “What’s going on?” Shiro asked, plopping down next to Pidge and taking a drink of water.
Ulaz’s eyes lit up. According to Shiro, Keith could eat just about anything, even Vrepit Sal’s food. If he could do that, he could no doubt get Coran’s food down.
“Keith! Perfect, you need to eat more.” Ulaz grabbed a bowl and shoved it at Keith. The other paladins started to gag at the smell.
“Oh, come on, Laz, don’t torture the kid,” Thace said.
Keith picked up a spoon and put some of the food into his mouth. His face turned from pale tan to green at an alarming rate and he ran to the trash can, spitting out the food and spending several ticks gagging.
“What was that?” He gratefully took the water Shiro had offered.
Ulaz groaned and sank onto the couch. His only hope, his last ditch effort to fix this, had been for naught. “Not even the space mice will touch his food,” he groaned.
Thace patted his back. “You’re going to have to confront him.”
“I can’t confront him! I hate confrontation.”
Thace stared at him, blinking and looking as though he was trying to understand what Ulaz had just said. “You don’t like confrontation? Are you kidding me? You’re the most confrontational person that I know.”
“I am not.”
“You lit our commander's bed on fire. While he was in it! On purpose!”
“That is not confrontation, that’s treason. There’s a difference.”
“I want to hear the treason story,” Pidge said, shutting her laptop and scooting closer.
“Later, menace,” Thace held up a hand to her. “Ulaz, just walk up to him and tell him you don’t like his cooking. The longer you put it off, the worse it will be.”
He buried his head in his hands. Thace was right, the bastard. He had to do it, for his health and the health of any space whales that happen to ingest those foul dishes still floating in space.
oOoOoOo
Ulaz steeled himself as he searched for Coran, preparing for this conversation. It was going to be so sad to break the man’s heart like this. He finally found Coran, looking rather depressed.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, worried that something had happened. He wouldn’t be able to deal with Coran being depressed and then adding to that depression.
“Ah, Ulaz, good to see you.”
“Is everything alright? You look upset.”
Coran paused and then sighed. “Hunk’s put locks on all the cabinets and food storage areas in the Castle.”
Ulaz blinked. “Does that mean you won’t be able to cook any more?” He tried not to let his glee show.
“I’m afraid so. Most of what I make is fresh. It wouldn’t keep without a refrigerator.” He slumped down even further. “I’m sorry, Ulaz. I know you enjoyed my cooking.”
Oh, oh, yes! This was the best news he could have received. He had got off, scott free. No confrontation required.
“That’s okay. I’m sure Hunk will be able to cook something at least half as good as your.” This was the greatest day of his life. He felt the weight lifting off his shoulders. No more sneaking around. No more scrubbing his mouth to get rid of the taste. He was free!
“Thank you, Ulaz. I’m glad I got to cook for someone, though I suppose I should have seen it coming. No one else likes what I cook. See you around.”
Ulaz made his way back to the Paladin lounge. He had to thank Hunk for what he had done.
“Did you put locks on the food storage spaces?” he asked, bursting into the lounge.
Hunk smiled. “Yeah, and the kitchen utensil cabinets as well.”
“It was a team effort,” Shiro said.
“Wait, what? You didn’t tell Coran that you didn’t like his cooking?” Thace glowered.
“Yeah, we worked together as a team to keep Coran out of the kitchen,” Lance said. “I kept Coran distracted, he loves to talk about the Castle. Shiro kept Allura distracted, Pidge and Hunk created the locks and Keith kept a lookout while they put them on.”
“Aren’t you proud of us, Thace?” Pidge asked. “We worked together as a team like you wanted.”
“This isn’t what I meant!”
“Trust us, dude, this is going to benefit all of us,” Hunk added. “The less access he has to the kitchen, the better.”
“But,” Keith said, “as payment, you’re going to have to tell us about lighting your commander’s bed on fire.”
“Yeah!” Pidge pumped a fist in the air. “I want to hear about it.”
“No!” Thace waved his arms, trying to regain control of the situation. “That is not a good example to set for any of you. It was reckless and you’re lucky you weren’t executed on the spot.”
Ulaz grinned and sat down. “Relax, love, it was an Empire fanatic. He got what he deserved.”
“That’s not the point!”
“That is exactly, the point,” Shiro said.
Ah, these were a good group of kids. And Coran was a good man; he just was awful when it came to food. At least now Ulaz could eat his meals in peace.