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Danny knows they made the right decision that day.
Steve’s feels like some kind of fever dream now. Their version of a mid-life crisis perhaps. Some kind of way of asserting control in a time of their lives when control felt like it was the last thing they had.
Never once has he missed it. Never once has he arrived at the restaurant, the decor still the same as Kamekona had promised, and thought ‘If only’.
It’s a shame nothing else is as certain.
It’s a shame that right decision or not, Danny sometimes thinks ‘if only’ he and Steve had never met each other.
It’s a shame that Danny didn’t train to be a doctor, it’s a shame that Grace’s wish to be the one that’ll find a cure for everything that’s cancerous will come too late.
It’s a shame that wishes don’t come true and that eventually, this day was always going to come.
Steve got back from the hospital an hour ago, he’s not spoken since and Danny? It’s like all the breath and words have been stolen from him.
He watches instead as Steve sits on the deckchair that’s facing towards the sea.
He waits. Says about a million prayers in his mind that he’s wrong, that he’s really wrong and Steve’s just tired cause the last few weeks have been tough case wise.
It starts to turn dark and Danny doesn’t move, he pays no attention to the message alerts on his phone, he just stares at Steve.
Thinks he knows that Steve knows he’s doing just that, and he hopes somehow it comforts Steve as much as in a funny kind of way it comforts Danny.
It’s not a funny kind of way though is the thing.
It’s how Danny’s looked at Steve for a long time now. It’s this way of memorizing him, cataloging every single mannerism, every single look, cherishing every breath that comes from him.
So he won’t be alone and so he won’t forget when it’s too late and he can’t do this anymore.
Tears sting his eyes at the very thought of it. Even though it’s here and even though there’s a rogue kind of feeling in him, a relief somehow that it's here and now he won’t be wondering each new years eve if the following year will be the one when Steve starts to get more tired, bruise more easily and goes to the doctor earlier than planned.
Turns out that while there’s relief, the greater emotion is fear and also this desire to turn back the time just a couple of weeks to when the kids were here and it didn’t feel so cold.
He screws his eyes shut, lifts his thumb and forefinger up to rub at his eyes and tells himself to stop but the moisture on his cheeks tells him he’s doing a lousy job of it.
Danny’s so caught up in trying to stop himself losing it that he doesn’t hear the footsteps and he’s not aware he’s not alone in the house anymore until a fingertip brushes gently against his cheeks and then the same fingertip tugs at Danny’s hand and the other fingers on Steve’s hand intertwine with Danny’s.
Danny doesn’t open his eyes yet, he just breathes deeper, trying to get control of himself so when lips cover his just for a moment, it’s a surprise and then when a hand rubs the back of his neck and he can hear Steve’s breathing quicken.
All he can think of is how he needs to remember this and it’s easier to do that with his eyes closed when Steve’s right here.
To savor his smell, so that when he’s not next to him, he can just close his eyes.
He can simply shut his eyes and Steve will be there, lips against his own. Even when he’s not, he can pretend.
The lips leave his own and the hand on his neck falls away then the fingers are pulled away and Danny thinks he mishears because he could swear Steve sobs and murmurs between the sobs.
“I can’t do this.”
But he’s wrong. Right?
He opens his eyes just in case and he wishes he’d kept them shut but he doesn’t do that again because everything within him tells him that’s a bad idea.
Instead, he reaches out to Steve but Steve flinches and takes a step back.
“Babe, what, what can’t you do?”
Steve’s turned away, his shoulders hunched as he looks out towards the lanai and the night sky.
He’s quiet except for the occasional shaky breath and Danny’s not sure how long they stay like that.
Danny stood in the same place and watching Steve just like before but close enough now that all he wants to do is hold him, touch him, savor him while he can.
“You don’t even know what they said and yet I know you’ve already given up on me, you’re doing that thing you said you hoped you’d never do and I can’t do it.”
Danny takes a step forward but Steve does too before he turns around and he doesn’t look at Danny, he looks past him, looks to his left, then his right, anywhere but at Danny.
“What thing babe? Talk to me.”
“I’m not dead yet Danny, I need you not to give up on me, I need this all to be normal, I don’t need you to stare at me like I’m going to die at any moment, I need you to be by my side and not staring at me like I’m a ghost and out of reach already, I need you to laugh at me, make me laugh, curse at my driving and I need to wake up with you not being fearful of what the next month’ll bring or next year.”
Danny stares at his own feet, and he tries to bring his gaze up to Steve’s but he can’t.
It’s the “Please Danny,” that Steve sobs out that has Danny closing the distance in less than a second and he lifts up a fingertip to wipe at Steve’s tears before he drops his hand down and laces his fingers between Steve’s.
With his other hand, he gently rubs at Steve’s neck and then his lips cover Steve’s just for a moment before he pulls them away, his hand drops away from Steve’s neck, but their fingers are still laced together.
He has to ask.
This’ll be the moment that everything really does change.
“Next year then? Will you, I mean, are you? How lon-.” His voice breaks on the last word and turns out it’s harder to ask in reality than the number of times he’s practiced in the mirror for a day like today.
“They don’t know for certain but Danny, if you think I’m gonna miss the things we got planned, if you think am going to skip on you before I get the chance to honor us and give this thing we have what it deserves, if you think I’m going to leave Five-0 in someone else’s hands before I’m ready then you’re wrong.”
“You know what babe, I believe you, I believe you Steve but I-.”
Steve pulls his fingers away from Danny’s.
“Don’t say any more, please Danno? Don’t ruin it, let’s have tonight to forget, let me, and you, forget and tomorrow we can talk, we can plan and we can be honest, but tonight let’s pretend that I didn’t do that thing with that truck that day and let’s do reckless things, fun things, stuff that won’t make us think of all we have to talk about.”
Then quieter, “All we have to come.”
Danny shakes his head and he’s honestly not sure what he’s going to say next and Steve looks ready to protest and the words are so natural, just them to a tee that it doesn't even feel weird when to others the change would seem it.
“See, that’s a great idea Steven but your idea of fun things probably means abseiling down the side of a mountain and then flying a helicopter which has a broken propellor to LA to find a shark to become friends with and then to come back and fight off thirty drug dealers armed with AK47′s all before breakfast time.”
It’s darker in the house now but there's enough light from the sky outside that Danny can see the way Steve’s lips turn upwards and his eyes crinkle as his smiles and it’s always been the most beautiful thing to see each morning and each night and Danny gets to make him smile, even on a day like today and that’s a lot.
“Actually, I was thinking of ordering in some food, maybe some wine and then.”
Steve raises his eyebrows up and down fast and then smirks.
Danny sighs dramatically.
“Walk with the dog along the beach, jeez Danny you’re obsessed.”
Danny turns away shaking his head and then lifts up the middle finger behind him.
“I’ll take that as a yes, you’re right Steve and yes that’s the best idea ever.”
Danny's about to respond when he sees them then and suddenly, it’s the most obvious thing in the world, the most them thing in the world and he picks up the keys, then strides back past Steve to shut the door, then grabs Steve’s hand and walks towards the front door, then outside and to the car.
“I’ll drive.”
There’s a moment when Steve’s silent and just staring at the car then at Danny then at the car again and then back at Danny and this time, the smile is back.
“I distinctly remember that it’s my turn to drive actually Danno.”
Danny scoffs.
“Turn? According to you every single time we’re in this car, it’s your turn so tonight Steven, it’s mine.”
“Nice try Danno, but last time you drove, we got rear-ended by-.”
“A bunch of criminals that you’d pissed off cause god forbid you ever try the subtle approach to anything.”
“We still got rear-ended which has never happened with me so I’ll drive.”
“Okay, but if we die then I’m suing you.”
“I don’t think they have lawyers in heaven or hell Danny.”
“They do in purgatory I hear which is where if you are where I am it’s where I’ll be.”
As he finishes his words though, Danny tosses the keys to Steve who changes in an instant from rolling his eyes at Danny’s words to a triumphant grin that maybe just maybe has Danny’s stomach doing a little flip.
They pass each other as they both go to the other side of the car from where they'd been stood closest to, then jump in and Steve puts the keys in and turns the ignition then pauses, for one beat, then two and it's enough to make Danny worried.
“Steve?”
“Just thanks for this Danny, I know it’s hard on you, I know you have a million questions and most of which we can only guess at the answer of but this, and you.”
Steve turns his head to look at Danny.
“You’re everything and this means everything.”
The bubble of emotion that’s below the surface threatens to overcome Danny for a moment, and his chews at his lip to stop it before he can respond in the way that he knows Steve needs.
That he needs.
“You’re an idiot, getting emotional over driving but I get it, and I get you and I don’t always get it immediately but I know you and I love you and we both need this so drive Steve like it’s the only thing that matters except for you.”
“And you.” Steve murmurs as he reverses the car.
“Well, obviously.” Danny fires back immediately and they share a smile and okay it’s not perfect, and tomorrow weighs on him so hard he can’t truly forget it but it’s enough.
And the ‘if only we’d never met’ thought is a distant memory, forgotten forever.
That’s what’s certain.