Chapter Text
She stood in a high tower, watching over the city beneath her. Well, the ruins she corrected herself silently. It must have been a great city some time ago; Lara easily could imagine the scenery with the grand buildings and full of life. Once it surely had a very lively community: it was very easy to imagine the buildings full in their glory, build-up of fine stones, standing tall and proud, trying to reach the sky. Flash of white marble would capture the eyes, shining against the grey rocks and the evergreen trees. Flat stones covering the ground, never letting mud cover the well-kept roads and vivid chattering coming from the streets: merchants would offer their goods loudly, trying to convince the potential buyers to leave some gold coins behind. Children were laughing and playing, running back and forth, driving their mothers mad. And somewhere, hidden in one of the buildings she could find the Deathless Prophet, tending to the sick or giving away his wisdom. And at the heart of the city, there would be the Divine Source, keeping everything in motion.
It must be such a view. But it was in the past now, gone for such a long time, even the memories are nothing by now and still, it was child’s play to imagine the city in all its glory. Even if she was shivering from a stronger blow of the freezing wind the whispering of better times was still among these walls and she could hear it.
The ruins were still impressive and clearly fascinated the young Croft – full of secrets and mystery and history – she could almost touch it, almost, but it slipped through her fingers at the end, like sand being blown away by the harsh wind of the tundra. It made her feel sad and once again felt the urge to go and look for Jacob, asking him to tell more about the city and the legends and stories his people were probably still telling each other at night when they gathered together around the fire. Then maybe she could feel content and safe and at peace just for a moment. Then, this haunting feeling that accompanies her since she set her foot into this Valley, this... longing would finally ease a bit.
She missed her childhood, those times when the world around her was full of magic and miracle. Things were easier back then. Chasing the past and its secrets were the exact reason why she followed her father’s path and be an archaeologist – to know more of the past and learn from it. Of course, her father’s tales, the ones she loved to hear as a small girl were also a reason why she fell in love with archaeology in the first place, but she had found her own reasoning soon enough as well. And maybe because she never really found her place in the world anyway... chasing history was much better than struggling with the present. Of course, it was more complex than that, after Yamatai everything changed, sometimes the past was more dangerous and more frightening she could ever imagine, but deep-deep down Lara was still happy not every myth was only a fairy tale.
But everything had the other side as well, of course. If some myths were real then that meant the monsters were also real. And she had enough of them already. Strange creatures in the wild, yes, but what frightened her, even more, as she saw them in people as well. The creatures of nature were what they were: bloodthirsty things and they were quite clear what they wanted: kill her.
It wasn’t that easy with humans. They tend to pretend they are something else and lie about their true nature. Like Ana did... or Sam as well in a way. Not wanting to see her ever again after.... still felt like a betrayal, even if Lara understood why Sam chose to abandon her. But it also felt her feel contagious like she was sick of a deadly disease and could ruin anyone’s life just by being near to them.
It pained Lara so much because this was her greatest fear – to put her loved ones in danger and let them die because of her. Maybe Sam was right, after all, maybe she was contagious.
Sighed heavily and watched how the puff of warm breath swirled and mixed in the Siberian cold air, tried to shake herself out of the gloomy thoughts. No, she didn’t need to deal with this right now; she had more important things to do. Besides, right now... everything was so peaceful. The ruins, the everyday life. The silence. She could enjoy a moment of peace, earned that much.
No screams, no orders, no gunshots… no last breaths, painful groans and dark, sticky blood on her hands with such a strong salty odour it still turns her stomach upside-down sometimes. Maybe if she could stay for some time Lara could feel whole once again. Maybe it’d take years, but she was still salvageable, she knew that. Right there, right at that moment she could turn her back to this madness and find her peace.
Or maybe she will never be able to wash off that much blood of her hands anymore doesn’t matter how long she keeps them in the icy, running water.
Sometimes played with the idea, living an ordinary life – no great discoveries, yes, but much more peace. Myths would remain myths, monsters would stay in the darkness. She’d be blatantly ignorant toward the truth behind the stories, but also she’d have a chance at a normal life. Maybe she could find someone, a partner, someone she could love. Maybe that someone could fill this emptiness inside her and would save her from the cold blackness that slowly started to consume her life.
Lara chuckled softly, but not with joy. That life wasn’t meant to her doesn’t matter how much she craving after it. She meant to be something more than an average human being, Richard could see that years ago – and that also meant her path was a difficult burden and had to face it alone.
And for that, she felt lonely.
Would she really give up her path if she could have the chance? If there would be something else... someone else to live for? Someone with such warmness inside them that could chase coldness out of her bones, eating itself into her insides, freezing everything. She desperately needed some sunshine and thawing, but her sun never came and as days, months and slowly years passed she started to accept she will never find her sun anymore. Maybe she lost it when her father died, leaving her behind and alone.
Roth’s death only pushed her deeper into the cold...
Gentle noise broke her trail of thoughts and she looked back as the steps came closer to her, kind of expecting Sofia to accompany her; they started to get along really well since their first meeting. They spoke the same language, two fierce women with the heart of a fighter – it was a match made in heaven. But the figure wasn’t of a small, red-haired woman, but a man, taller than her, his blue eyes warm and a gentle smile played on his lips.
She couldn’t help but smile back.
“Jacob” greeted him friendly. The smile on his lips became a bit stronger as he stepped next to her, following the direction of her gaze toward the mountains.
Lara didn’t mind his presence. To be honest, she rarely did, even if they were silent for minutes – it was comfortable. Something came from Jacob in waves, some warmness and calmness and it was surprisingly easy just to be around him, even for someone who started to lose faith in human beings and was always cautious, expecting the worst and ready to defend herself at any given moment. Jacob was different, she just felt safe when he was around and always had this weird feeling whenever he was close, like finding a very warm and soft duvet, she wrapped around herself – and never wanted to let it go. It just made her slightly less jumpy, a slightly less alert. It was dangerous, but also almost meant peace. Almost meant trust. Also meant being less alone in the world.
At first, it was such an alien feeling; it annoyed her - when they met in that prison she wanted to get rid of him so badly. Not wondering why, she only suffered another betrayal from someone who was close to her heart – made her less friendly than usual and she knew he only tried to prove his importance to not leave him behind in that cold cell. It was an easy decision to make, it should be an easy decision to make, that one she didn’t even need to think about for too long. And still, for some reason she felt like she is about to make a choice that will change the course of her life, but the Divine Source was way too tempting to pass out. By this time Lara knew how to recognize a crossroad if it was ahead of her and she literally felt herself taking a turn as she opened his cell. And then this warm feeling found its way under her skin and she was unable to chase it away.
“You look like your mind is wandering.” His voice grounded her back to earth. She must be spacing out. He was always able to read her like a book, like someone who had met many people before her and had enough practice to judge someone’s character. It was such a maddening feeling, like he lived a thousand lives before, but will live a thousand more. Blinked heavily, looked up at him.
“Sorry?”
A warm chuckle was her answer and that made her shiver, just a bit. “It’s nothing you just looked… peaceful.”
Peaceful. When was the last time she ever was at peace? Lara let the silence return between them, but again, wasn’t uncomfortable. They had all the time of the world here, despite everything that hanged above their head. Her eyes found their way back to the still magnificent ruins.
“Would you tell me more about the city?” Her voice was hopeful, she knew but didn’t bother to hide it. She didn’t need to. Jacob just didn’t judge and she respected him enough to keep their short-living friendship pure and clean of pretending. She really wanted to know more about the city and Lara couldn’t name a better person to approach with her request. Looked at him as he measured the options – still very cautious about the outsiders. It wasn’t against her, she knew: they just suffered so much from the hand of others, the trust did not come easy for them, even if Lara fights for them but she was still here because of the Source, just like Trinity. This separated her from them and from Jacob as well even if he seemed eager to change her way of thinking about her goals here – for what end Lara wasn’t sure. For the protection of course, but there was something else too. But maybe that is only something she only hoped for to be there.
He looked down at her, then back at the city beneath them.
“Maybe. Someday.”
That was a short answer, very cryptic, but also felt final. Lara would lie if she wouldn’t admit she was a bit disappointed, but for why she couldn’t really tell. Knew she can find the past out on her own, this was her life after all, but couldn’t help to feel like she was missing out on something and not because of her fault. She was denied.
“I have no time for ‘somedays’.”
And she didn’t. Even if she was longing after something, even if something lured her to stay here just for a bit more, to delay reaching her destination, Lara knew she won’t give in for such urges coming from nowhere. Her days are being numbered she can spend here – and she wasn’t sure what annoyed her most: that fact alone or that Jacob said no?
Looked at him, her gaze was a bit sharper than she intended. Well, take it or leave it, Lara never hid her emotions well and never really wanted to. It didn’t always serve her well, but there was a fire in her, ready to burn down every obstacle that fell in her way.
But Jacob never faltered, never looked away and never felt insulted by that. She was strong, but young, smart, but stubborn, up for a challenge and rushed into them. Fire can amaze him, maybe even burn him, but never destroy him.
Her defiant gaze put a smile on his lips, gently reached his eyes and made the blue a tone warmer, his voice a bit softer.
“Then stay.”
It wasn’t an order that someone barks at you and expects to obey. It was a whispered invitation, an offered possibility. And it was something she would never expect to come in the first hand. Not now, not like this.
Maybe after she helped chasing Trinity out of the valley – because she will chase them out, oh she will, with all of her rage, she will make them pay – and then she will be welcomed so much they will offer her a place to accept and be treated like one of them. But that will be caused by gratitude and will be an offer, not a request.
Because he asked her to stay, so gently like he was afraid of her answer and could be shy away in any following moment. She looked at him, full of surprise, brown eyes huge. At that moment Jacob looked years younger.
It still wasn’t a hastily made offer. No, he did think this through, in detail, waiting for the perfect moment to ask.
The silence stretched, Lara didn’t answer and Jacob never rushed her. She didn’t know what to answer. How serious he was, how seriously he was thinking about this possibility scared her.
Would she really give up her path if she could have the chance?
“Jacob...”
If there would be something else... someone else to live for?
His name was a sigh on her lips, looking down for a moment, not wanting to see how his expression changed.
Someone with such warmness inside them that could chase coldness out of her bones, eating itself into her insides, freezing everything. After all, she desperately needed some sunshine and thawing...
“How could I stay?”
How could he ask this from her? And how could he be so-so hopeful, waiting for her answer?
Why she would stay here? What these ruins, these people, this way of life can offer to her?
Or, she trailed along, but barely dared to put the question in words in her mind, what Jacob can offer to her?
But she knew the answer to all of those questions as soon as they materialized in her head. And he did too.
Blue eyes were serious now looking deeply into hers, making her feel like Jacob was looking into her.
“What the world can offer you out there?” asked softly “You desperately seek something, but are unable to find it, you are driven by that throbbing emptiness inside you.” Reaching out with his hands he gently touched her harms “But if you stay here, maybe you’d find your place… maybe Kitezh can give you what you really want.”
‘Maybe I can give you what you really want.’ It hung there, in the air between them.
He simplifies it so much, but the world is not working like that. Her life is not working like that.
“Jacob I… I… there is my life, my heritage, my father’s memory, I need to go back. I need to defend everything I have left, the Croft manor, my father’s work…”
He chuckled a little, like these things were nothing, only unwanted weight on her and she needs to fly, she meant to fly. And they are, they really are and she is choking under the pressure and struggles so much to be free, she wants to be free desperately – but she can’t because all these are still important to her because nothing else was left of her family to her, only a house, a name and a title.
“That’s only a name, Lara. A name. The manor, the path you feel you have to follow… it’s only your reputation, it’s only what is expected from you to do. You don’t have to live like that.”
No, she doesn’t have to live like that.
Her gaze fell down once again – it was just too much and too sudden. She didn’t expect such an offer and definitely didn’t expect the urge to accept it. It felt like she betrayed herself, thought she knew what she meant to do and now she was considering abandoning everything only because a man she barely knew asked her to do that?
This offer, this chance is only an illusion and she cannot take it. And it pains her.
Before she could finalize her answer one of the hands from her arms went up to and touched her cold-bitten cheek. It was a fleeing fragile moment. His fingers felt a bit rough, but surprisingly warm, gently caressed her red skin.
“You are so much more than your name.”
Was she?
His soft voice seemed to stop time around them – only they existed up there in the cold air of the tundra. For a brief moment nothing else mattered, just them and the now they lived in. If only she could make it last forever, a never-ending loop, to feel this moment’s presence, something she can almost grab and hold onto.
She desperately wished for that, but the world did not wait for anyone. She needed somewhere else and he needed somewhere else and all this just wasn’t mean to be, she knew, he knew and still, they stood here, toying with what-ifs. This was only a childish wish and they were both adults, they both knew better than fell for such things and especially for even considering falling for the other.
And he still kept on and she never said no to him yet.
“Think about it.” was all he told her at the end and turned around to walk back to his people where he belonged, leaving Lara behind, alone and full of questions, creating chaos from her world.