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She still found it difficult to get used to. The fact that her son’s room was no longer occupied by his smiling face, but by a guilt-filled, sorrow-ridden copycat of its likeness.
It was still hard to see him come downstairs, to see the face of the boy she had raised, but to know that he was gone.
That Yuya was dead. And all that was left of him and the others was Zarc.
The boy knocked quietly on the kitchen door, Yoko taking a deep breath before turning to watch him standing in the doorway. Golden eyes looking at a space on the floor and hands wringing the black fabric of his t-shirt. “G—Good morning…” he mumbled, desperately trying to avoid eye contact.
She had to remind herself that while Yuya was gone, the boy in front of her was still her son in many ways. There were times when Yoko could see him in the small actions Zarc would make, sitting in the middle of his room playing with En, the way he chewed his lip while he gazed over his beloved cards, the way his eyes would light up at times or the way he would smile to himself when he thought no one was looking.
Yuya was Zarc, Zarc was Yuya. Yet… Yuyaas a person would never resurface again.
“I made some breakfast. Would you like any?” She offered, plastering her best smile. Zarc glanced at her nervously, nodding.
He could tell. He could tell he wasn’t supposed to be here. He wasn’t meant to be here. He should be the one who was dead. He wasn’t welcome in this city, in any of the dimensions, he wasn’t deserving of Yoko Sakaki’s kindness. And yet… the memories in his head were full of nothing but love for the woman before him. Nothing but fondness, protection, adoration. But they weren’t his memories. They were simply the fragmented echoes of a quarter of his soul.
Zarc sat down at the table, remembering every groove and dent in the woodwork, the taste of every meal Yuya had eaten here lingering on his tongue. Yoko placed the plate of pancakes in front of him and Zarc felt butterflies rise in his stomach.
Yoko watched as Zarc thanked her, his voice mimicking her son’s but only slightly. There was no life behind his words, just a fragmented, lost soul that didn’t know how to react to gestures of kindness. It was saddening to watch, it tore at her heart.
“Yuzu called.” She started, causing Zarc to freeze up at the mention of her name, “She wanted to know if you were coming today.”
Zarc placed his fork down, looking away, the silver bangs of his hair obscuring his eyes from her view. “I… I don’t know if I should…”
Yoko sighed as she turned back to the sink, “You should. Go.”
He looked up at her, “But…”
“No buts mister. You need to get out. You’re alive aren’t you? I know you aren’t used to this, you don’t know how to react, but you technically are also Yuya. Therefore I have a parental right to kick you out of the door and make you go see your friends if I so desire.”
Zarc stared at the pancakes in front of him, “I just… I don’t think they’ll accept me…”
Yoko looked at the boy out of the corner of her eye, “Look. You know Yuzu as well as I do from what Yuya has experienced, you know all his friends, you know Rin and Crow from Yugo, Selena and Dennis from Yuri and Ruri, Shun, Sayaka and the others from Yuto. You know them, they knew a portion of you. I find it hard to believe that they will reject you simply because you happen to be all of their friends at the same time.”
Zarc sighed, pushing the plate further away from him so he could lean his elbows on the table, cradling his head in his hands, “Everyone hates me though. They look at me and see one of my fragments or worse they see nothing but a demon, a cold-blooded killer.” He felt a tear slide down his face, “I did horrible things Yoko. Horrible, horrible things and not a second goes by where I don’t regret them, but an apology isn’t going to bring back Yuya, Yuto, Yugo or Yuri. I can’t split my soul again, no matter how much I might want to… If I disappear then maybe they could live.”
“No.” Yoko said firmly, swinging back to the boy at her table, the boy who’s golden eyes were full of tears, the boy with her son’s face. “Don’t talk like that. The past is the past, it was your will to return, that was the will within all of them, to become you. A part of Yuya wanted to be you, so don’t you dare say that everything would have worked out fine if you had died!”
Zarc’s breath hitched and he turned back to his hands, “I’m sorry… I… I’m so sorry…”
Yoko took a deep breath and walked over, wrapping her arms around his shoulders, feeling him stiffen under her touch. “Don’t apologise for being you Zarc, Yuya wants you to live. And so do I. So does Yuzu and the others, you just have step forward with some courage okay? Isn’t that what Yuya always told everyone else? If you curl up in the past you won’t be able to do anything.”
She reached into her apron, stringing something around Zarc’s neck, “Have some courage Zarc Sakaki. Go on and put on the best show you can.”
Zarc wrapped his fingers around the cool metal, feeling the weight of the pendulum and blinking up at Yoko with a small smile. “Thank you… mum.”
***
Yuzu and the others were waiting for him at the café when he arrived.
“Hi.” He mumbled, looking awkwardly at his feet. Yoko had insisted on him wearing Yuya’s old cargo pants and Zarc stared at the fabric in mild interest as Yuzu walked over.
“Hey! We thought you weren’t coming!”
He looked up at her and saw her flinch before her gaze softened into a warm, strained smile. He tried a small smile of his own in return, but gave up, “Yeah… I didn’t think I was either.”
This was Zarc she had to keep reminding herself, not Yuya, not Yuto, not Yugo, not Yuri. Zarc. It was so difficult to keep reminding her of that fact. He held himself like Yuri, talked like Yuto, smiled like Yuya and frowned like Yugo. She could see them all in him. And it hurt. It hurt so much to know that her best friends was gone.
Zarc looked at her but glanced away again, shutting his eyes against the world. He knew coming here would be a mistake. She looked so much like Ray that he almost cried. A small smile played on his lips, if only she could see him now, she’d probably tease him for being so pathetic.
Yuzu took a deep breath. “Here.” She smiled, offering a hand, “Come in alright? Everyone is waiting, its been months since any of us saw you.”
Zarc bit his lip, it had only been a few months since he had become a person again. Seeing everyone that he’d known… that they’dknown… damnnit he didn’t even know the difference anymore. Did he even have this right to be in their presence? Yuzu was Yuya’s friend, the rest of them… they knew his fragments, how were they going to react to him? He’d ripped his fragments away from them and selfishly re-merged himself together without thinking. They… those boys… they had been people of their own right. And he had taken it all away.
Yuzu grabbed his wrist suddenly jerking him out of his identity crisis. “Look, I get it, you don’t know why you’re here instead of them, but just trust me alright? No one in there is going to hurt you, we’ve been worried about you Yu—Zarc.” Yuzu mentally slapped herself,not Yuya, he’s not Yuya. “Just… please try?”
Zarc gulped, yep, she was definitely a fragment of Ray in that regard. But nodded, allowing her to drag him inside.
They were all here. Everyone. From all the dimensions.
They looked up as Yuzu and Zarc approached. Zarc tried to hide under his hair but was still able to notice the brief flashes of surprise across people’s faces, the recognition slowly replaced by confusion then recognition again but in a different light, remembering that he wasn’t who they thought he was. Zarc studied each of them in turn, he knew every person here. But they technically didn’t know him. He had no memories of them. It was his fragments that did.
Shun was the first to approach him, Ruri standing by his side with a welcoming smile. “Glad you could make it Zarc! We’ve all been worried sick about you!”
Zarc gave a small smile in her direction before looking up at Shun.
Shun stared back, his hazel eyes scanning every inch of his face, before he opened his mouth, “Jesus. You really are Yuto aren’t you?”
Zarc nodded briefly, “I have his memories, I have his personality but…” Zarc choked, placing a hand across his mouth, he couldn’t cry here. All of these people, he remembered how much joy they brought to his fragments and the memories his fragments had made with them in return. “I’m sorry…” Zarc whispered, taking a step back. “I’m so sorry…”
Rin bounded over next, quick to grab his shoulders so that he was looking directly into her amber eyes, “What are you sorry for?”
Zarc choked again, his breath hitching and tears already rising in his eyes, “Everything.” He looked away. “I’m sorry I couldn’t do anything, I’m sorry that I…” He closed his eyes, “I’m sorry I can’t bring them back.”
“Zarc.” A voice spoke and Zarc looked up as Reiji Akaba walked over to stand before him.
“Reiji.” Zarc murmured, then immediately placed a hand to his head, “Why? Why are you all acting so casual?!”
Selena was next, “Because dumbass, believe it or not we care.”
“But why do you bother! I’m a monster! You should throw me in a prison or leave me to rot. I… I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve to stand here!”
“Zarc…” Yuzu whispered, and he snapped to her, the tears really rolling down his cheeks now.
“I couldn’t… I couldn’t do anything… I just… that demon inside me… it just…”
His knees collapsed and he fell to the floor, “Yuya, Yuto, Yugo, Yuri. Their all here, in my head. They’re all me. I am them. But they… I took them away from you all… all of them… I… I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be the one here. I should… I’m supposed to be dead, and they’re supposed to be here. They should be the ones to be here… not me… it was never supposed to be me…”
“You want hatred?” Reiji asked, his tone low and threatening, “You want people to hate you, to despise you and make you repent for what you’ve done?” Zarc looked up at him, Reiji continued, “Zarc. If they were here. What do you think they would want?”
Zarc stared at the floor, “I…”
“They want you to live Zarc. True, whatever we may do we will never regain Yuya, Yuto, Yugo or Yuri. But we have you. Zarc. It doesn’t matter who you were, what’s important is who you are now.”
Zarc sniffed, watching the group around him, looking at all their faces, all those comforting smiles. He didn’t deserve redemption, he didn’t deserve to be here where his fragments once stood, living their lives. And yet… there was something compelling about a second shot at life.
“What do you say Zarc?” Yuzu asked, offering him a hand, “Are you ready to live?”
Zarc looked at her, looked at Reiji, Rin, Ruri, Selena, Shun all of them and smiled.
“I suppose I could give it a shot…”